Even knowing all that I do about child development, my first inclination when thinking about the summer was to pull out a pen and paper, and begin listing activities and outings. That’s my own tendency when facing a huge block of time with nothing scheduled.
I literally live with my planner close by all year long. I have so much going on and my planner is an integral part of keeping my life organized and sane. So it’s no surprise that my first instinct is to reach for my planner and make a list.
But then I took a deep breath, and while I made some mental notes regarding trips that could be fun, mostly I reminded myself that the most important thing I can give my children this summer, is lots of relaxed time for them to structure in a way that is enjoyable for them.
This is something they don’t have a lot of during the school year, when their time is structured by adults, all day long. From morning to night, they are told what to do, how long to do it for, and then moved to the next part of their schedule. Children get used to that, and don’t develop the ability to entertain themselves. Then, when after just a few minutes of being faced with unstructured time, almost all kids will begin whining, “I’m bored. What can I do?”
While it may seem to they want you to be their entertainment director and tell them how to fill their time, what they need is to learn how to fill their own time. This is a skill that will benefit them in the short and long term.
Boredom is beneficial. This may be surprising or even feel irresponsible for parents who are sure that the best thing we can do for our kids this summer is produce a schedule of fun activites and outings for them. However, boredom is a valuable gateway to developing and strengthening creativity, problem-solving, executive functioning, independence, emotional resilience, and intrinsic motivation.
When your child says, “I’m bored”, and you rush in to solve what you see as a problem by offering him options, he doesn’t have to ask himself, “What do I want to do?”
Asking himself that requires him to come up with an idea, evaluate it, take initiative, and follow through. He also has to deal with the discomfort of feeling at odds with himself in the moment of not knowing what he wants to do.
I signed dd8 up for day camp, and she enjoyed the first day. However, the camp director notified me that her school van came to pick her up half hour late, and that wasn’t viable. While I got our social worker involved in pulling strings and applying pressure to our municipality (the party responsible for her transportation), I kept her home for a few days while the details were being worked out.
That first morning she was home was a fast day. Ds14 had chosen to stay home from school, ds17 was home, I was home- and all of us decided to rest early in the day. She had noone to play with or even talk to, and nothing to do. “What can I do? I’m bored!” she exclaimed plaintively.
Knowing that nothing I said was likely to be helpful, I nonetheless made a couple of suggestions. “You can read a book, or you can do a puzzle.”
“No, I don’t want to do that.” Me: “Okay.”
She was a bit at odds with herself but after a while, in the absence of any options outside of herself, she decided to copy some verses. She interrupted my rest to proudly show me what she wrote. I expressed my appreciation for what she did, and then she went out to do something else.
She found her Chinese jump rope, and doubled it. Using that, she began experimenting with ways to do Cat’s Cradle on her hands, and she continued doing this throughout that day and for the next two days.
Later on, when I was cleaning the fridge, she decided to organize a series of our children’s books by color.
None of these activities were things she had ever done before. But she thought of them on her own, and they were valuable to her because they were her own ideas. It was her initiative, her effort, and she felt so good about it.
“But. my kids go crazy when they’re bored, and they make everyone miserable.”
I get it. I really do. It takes time for children to segue into doing something productive. Angela Hanscom, director of Timbernook outdoor play programs, says that it usually takes about 45 minutes for kids to figure out what they want to play, who they will play with, and what their play scheme will be.
It doesn’t only take time. It takes us being willing to be uncomfortable so that the children have the opportunity to move past their boredom.
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Now, having said that I’m embracing boredom and making room for a lot of free play, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be any structure at all on my part.
I’ve bought a lot of craft materials, but not for specific activities. I spoke to an art therapist and asked her for suggestions, and she said the most important thing is to have a place with materials freely available for them to choose from, where they can use them as they see fit.
Ds8 loves physically manipulating items and is in heaven when I give him scissors, tape and cardboard. For a summer upgrade, I went to the hardware store, and bought large rolls of colored electric tape in different colors. I’ve saved cardboard of various thicknesses and sizes, as well as large vinyl envelopes that clothing has come in. He will have a blast with these, and they’ll keep him busy for hours.
We have a pool, so swimming is always an afternoon activity. I bought new bikes for everyone at the beginning of the summer, so they can ride as much as they want.
In the summer I like to explore new playgrounds in different adjacent communities that we’ve never been to. Once every week or two, we’ll do a bigger trip.
I’d like to make time for reading together, and for them to listen to audiobooks.
One important point is that when the summer comes, I make myself very available so the kids can come with me where I go and help me with whatever I’m doing (for example, cooking meals or baking snacks).
During the year, sometimes I don’t want them to help me because I don’t have the ability to involve them and teach them each step of what I’m doing. In the summer, I really try to move at a slower and more deliberate pace that allows me to embrace their involvement. An example of what this looked like yesterday, was dd8 came shopping with me and I allowed her to scan every single item (there were many) at the self-checkout.
Once my older boys ( 20, 18.5, 17) get home for their summer break, the kids love spending time with them. The boys are generous in doing activities with them, like playing games and taking hikes.
A daily rest time is imperative for us: I need the break but it’s equally important for the children to have downtime to help them stay regulated. There’s no negotiation on this point – we do an hour midday when everyone must stay quietly in their beds.
It takes some time for all of us to get used to being together all day long, but usually after a week, everyone has settled in and it begins being enjoyable and relaxing.
Avivah