I’m the oldest child of a mother who is getting older and having health issues, and the only one local to her. Last week my mom’s vehicle broke down on my street as she was leaving my home.
When this happened a couple of months ago, I took care of all the arrangements to have it repaired. Knowing that she had been stressed previously when being told what the cost to repair this issue would be and that her mobility is a huge part of her life satisfaction, I paid for it in full, and told my mother it was only 400 shekels.
She paid me that sum, accepting my number at face value, which was good because I wanted her to feel she was taking care of her expenses, and it was affordable for her.
But knowing in the past she got a quote and she told me what it was, I wondered if she didn’t want to think about what the real cost was, or if she didn’t remember what the cost was supposed to be. Both of those possibilities were concerning.
Then I continued to wonder, am I doing a kindess by taking pressure off of her to fund a large expense on a limited fixed income, or am I treating her like someone who can’t take care of herself?
This time I resolved to let her handle the repair costs herself, though I told the technician privately that if she had difficulty with the payment, I’d take care of it. When she tried to make the payment arrangements and there was a hiccup, the technician told her not to worry, that I’d make arrangements, and that’s what happened.
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I notice an growing anxiety and overwhelm about dealing with the demands of life, and a desire for me to step in, which is apparently common as people get older.
Of course, no one wants to be dependent. What happens when you can’t be independent, and you need help? How do you ask for it, how do you acknowledge the help you get in a way that the person is appreciated for helping, and you maintain your identity as someone who does things on her own? It’s really hard, and it can be very painful to acknowledge the help is needed.
Sometimes what that looks like, is minimizing the help given. Sometimes there is anger and resentment at needing help, and it comes out at the one helping.
She’s told me many times what a wonderful daughter I am, and how deeply grateful she is for my help. But she’s also told me she doesn’t understand why everyone else thinks I’m a nice person. I’ve seen Facebook comments about me and some of what she’s told others has gotten back to me. I’m concerned about this Jekyll/Hyde view of me, because personality changes and angy outbursts are associated with declining mental capacity. It might not be a symptom of that at all, but it worries me.
Every time I’m asked or expected to step in, I do. Make financial arrangements, periodically transport her to appointments and translate, stay with her at the hospital…that’s what family is for, right?
At the same time, there’s an anxiety I have about this growing dependence, about how much more will be needed from me, and how I’m going to be able to do more.
Sometimes I wish she had been more proactive in making a plan for this stage of life, and feel horrible thinking that. I feel pressure knowing that I’m the plan, but I would never let my mother do without.
‘That’s what children are supposed to do,’ I tell myself. My mother loves me, she has so many good qualities. I’m fortunate that she’s with us. Wouldn’t I hope that if I were in need at a later age, that my children would give me help with a loving and unbegrudging spirit? We’re all going to need support at some time, no matter how well we plan or how deeply we desire to be independent.
I feel conflicted about my role. I worry that I’m not a good role model for my children of kibbud eim, of honoring one’s mother. I try but in my role as a daughter to an aging parent, I feel inadequate much of the time.
How do you balance the desire to responsibly and kindly care for your parent, the discomfort of a parent’s increasing dependence and the fear that the needs will overwhelm you? I can’t be the only one. in this situation.
If you’ve been or are in this stage of life now, I’d love to hear any tips you have for navigating this period with grace towards your parent and yourself. Or if you struggled with this as well, I’d love to know I’m not alone.
Avivah
10 Responses
This line jumped out at me: “I try, but I feel inadequate as a daughter all the time.”
Knowing you, you are doing a lot for your mother.
It can’t be factually true that you are inadequate as a daughter all the time.
I suspect that there are two things going on here:
1. No matter how good and how dedicated a child is, it’s pretty impossible for one person to take care of an increasingly-dependent aging parent’s needs. This is not a flaw in you. It’s simply the reality. It usually takes a large extended family and/or paid help. You have a married daughter living locally, and other siblings. See what they can contribute logistically and financially. It cannot and should not all be on you.
2. Guilt, perfectionism, and a whole host of related negative, limiting emotions. It is reminiscent of Jewish mother guilt regarding parenting, but here it is manifesting regarding how good a daughter you are. Parenting is an awesome G-d given responsibility, but we’ve also got to cut ourselves slack and try to be good enough mothers, not perfect ones.So too you have to be a good enough daughter, not a perfect one. You are trying really hard to be good and do what’s right for your mother (despite not having had a smooth/healthy/normative relationship with her growing up – whatever the exact details are). But sometimes this gets out of hand and turns into moral perfectionism, which feels like a yetzer tov but is actually a yetzer hara. (Speaking to myself here….) It’s really hard to be perfect. It’s much easier to “just” be reasonable and good.
RELAX. I ASSURE YOU THAT YOU ARE GOOD.
Shira, what a kind and compassionate message!
Before I saw your response, I edited the line that you quoted to “I feel inadequate much of the time”. It’s really about my feeling, not the reality. I think my mother would say I do enough. What I feel worst about is the negative emotions that I sometimes feel about the situation.
Your second point was right on target, and very insightful. As a parent, I strive to be good enough and that’s what I tell others, to forget perfectionism and just do what you can. But in this area, I haven’t carried that same perspective forward. Thank you for pointing that out!
It reminds me of the internal work I had to do to parent ds8 and keep him with us (which I haven’t posted about but will get around to eventually). Very, very similar.
By the way, my relationship with my mother was very good growing up. It wasn’t until twenty years ago that the relationship challenges began, when I became more responsible for her. A similar issue to what is happening now – happy to help, but not wanting to be responsible in a more global way for things the individual should be taking care of. Hmm. I just had a lightbulb moment as I wrote that, I’m going to go reflect on the insight I just had. Thank you again!
Your post really spoke to me. I recently had my mil move in for an extended stay for cancer treatment and even though she is really easy going and low maintenance there were still hard parts. I am not proud of all my interactions and know my kids were around for many of them. I do think that despite the non stellar moments my kids have learned that family come first and she deserves the best care we can provide. It may mean that I was not as patient with the kids or that have said things I regret but I prefer doing the caretaking job imperfectly rather than the alternative of subpar hired help. I thought it wouldn’t be as hard as it was. It’s hard to l have another person depend on you who should have been someone you could have counted on instead. I think i tried and was successful a good part of the time which overshadows the other times even if it doesn’t erase them.
Erica, I appreciate so much that you shared this. I feel so seen.
Yes, that’s exactly how I feel, all of it. And your reminder to me that better done imperfectly than not done at all is really important for me to remind myself, again and again and again…
This is so timely, Avivah. I think I have some perspective on both ends…When my mom retired, she chose to retire to a community close to the town where she was born. She was single, and she wanted to have that familiarity. Additionally, one of her brothers and his wife had retired there, so she would have family. She was ferociously independent, and this arrangement was wonderful for her and allowed her to remain in her own home within the community until two years prior to her death. At that time, during COVID, she moved to Assisted Living and then declined rapidly and moved to Memory Care. Obviously, she had a whole network of support from staff, friends and her brother (until his death). My sister and I were very minimally involved in her care, although my sister had more responsibilities on that front than I had. As someone previously commented, being a sole caretaker for a parent who inevitably becomes needier with age is a heavy load!
Now, I am nearing 60 and single, living alone and managing well, b”H, except…who can step in when an emergency happens? This was the case on erev Shabbos, when I was vomiting non-stop and needed to get to the hospital. I was really out of it. Who will take me? Who will stay with me? I have one daughter locally, but she has a nursing baby. In the end, kind neighbors stepped in and stayed with me until as close to Shabbos as possible. But I was alone there over Shabbos, and really not well for the first part of it. It’s frankly terrifying for me to look at this straight on, not primarily because of the emergencies but also knowing the trajectory of aging and living alone while aging. I, like your mom, do not have the financial ability to consider a retirement community as my own mother, b”H, did.
My father in law got married later in life (to someone younger) and then divorced and had only two children. That meant that when he got unwell, we had three very young children as well as an elderly ill parent (and we both needed to work to put food on the table too) and it was a lot. However, we managed just about but in retrospect I now tell everyone to think about this before someone gets ill. Not that you can fix everything but find out, does the elderly parent have savings? What might they need? Who can help? Are there organisations who can step in? Wider family? Just to have an idea of what to do quickly if something happens.
I mean this is just human and family life and every society has dealt with this but today I suppose people live longer and families live so far apart it can be more challenging.
I’m also coming up on this stage with my mother, and wondering how we will be able to provide what she needs, will she be willing to move closer to us, etc. I also have other older relatives, who have no children, who I also have some responsibilities towards. You mention wishing she had a plan for this stage of life, and I’m wondering what would constitute a plan, and what kind of planning you have done for yourself. I’m not going to be able to help my mother make any plans, because I don’t think she can let herself think about it, but I can plan for my own future.
Welcome, Malka, and thank you for your comment.
A plan to me means, taking care of your health to the best of your ability, and saving at the stage of life when you have more financial resources, so you have options when you are older. Obviously, you can do your best and things outside of your control will turn the best of plans upside down. But I still think that a person should do the best he can to make a plan, and the main strategy can’t be ignoring reality.
My mother moved closer to us two and a half years ago, after a major health crisis. She had always said if something happened her friends would help her, but when a crisis happened her friends called me to take care of her. After she was out of the hospital, I explained that if I’m her plan for who is going to help her, I simply can’t be available to her from a three hour drive away.
She didn’t make a plan, not for lack of income, but more for not wanting to think about it. When she had a crisis and her living arrangements weren’t accessible for someone needing a walker, what she wanted and what she could financially do were two very different things: she couldn’t move to something larger in the neighborhood she wanted to stay in, she couldn’t hire help, and she couldn’t move into assisted living.
Instead, she moved in with me for the short term, and when she stabilized and didn’t need daily assistance with everything, my daughter helped her find an affordable place to live a few minute drive from our home.
I so much understand not wanting to think about unpleasant possibilities. I want us to write a will, but it’s hard to think about what will happen with our younger children who are part of the foster system. And when life is so busy, things that are hard and not urgent in the moment get pushed off. Though I haven’t done that yet, I’m doing what I can to prepare financially now to support us after retirement.
Having been the go-to for my elderly mother I feel compelled to share.
The role of being someone’s child pivots into becoming their shepherd, not their parent – we cannot make them do anything but still need to love and care.
There are conversations that are best had before things get too far into their dependency on us. You are good at setting boundaries, the same applies to parents. They have freedom of choice, but the consequences are theirs as well – age does not give us a “free pass”. You are going to administer this responsibility as you do everything – with thought, care and kindness. Don’t hesitate to bring your siblings into the conversation if they will support you .. mine were in other hemispheres but supported my perspectives which helped my mother see where I was coming from.
Your mother knows you will care for her. It’s an expectation, based on the relationship you have had. Moving forward that relationship cannot be allowed to dominate your life and the way you respond (not react) to her expectations may disturb her. It does not make you wrong.
I once heard it said “The older get, the more we become what we are.” A bit frightening, but also helpful if the one we are helping is being challenging or rude (mine was not to me).
Rebecca, what you say is so true, and I agree with all of it. But while old age doesn’t give you a pass, it does change the equation. If someone is younger, you can expect them to be responsible for themselves, while if someone hasn’t set up a framework to do that for themselves at an older age, you can’t leave them to fully suffer the consequences of their lack of planning.