After sharing about setting up the boys’ room for easier organization and clean up, the next critical part of my plan is teaching them to clean up after themselves.
Kids don’t listen to what you say – they listen to what you actively follow through with.
If I want them to put away whatever they’re using before moving on to the next thing, saying that to them is of almost no value. What makes a difference is making sure it gets done, each time.
Since that’s a lot of work, I haven’t done it consistently until now for these four kids. (My oldest nine children all had chores by this age.) While the kids will put things away when I stand there and watch every step of what they do, it’s doesn’t happen unless I’m there.
My goal is to make returning things to their place right after use a habit, and I’m committed to spending the summer getting the kids used to that. This may be clothing, a game or toy they take out, a backpack when they walk in the door, or their dish after eating. As the saying goes, ‘what you expect, inspect’.
For the last three weeks I’ve been extremely consistent about this, and it’s been very helpful in keeping the house picked up. It’s not yet saving me time, since in the time it takes me to keep them on task, I could have cleaned up four times as much. However, I see it as an upfront investment that will pay off later on, as they increasingly take more responsibility for cleaning up after themselves.
Initially the kids didn’t greet my new insistence on this with delight. A couple of them were particularly vocal about their annoyance when I asked them to put something away, and insisted they do it before moving on to something else. One made special efforts to show me that he wasn’t going to comply, with verbal and physical outbursts. (He kicked a foot-sized hole in the new closet door in their room, just three days after I bought it. Yes, I was really frustrated about that.)
But I’m standing my ground on this, and nothing in this house is happening until they put away whatever they finish with: a cup, a paper they throw on the ground, the watermelon chunks two of them threw all over the living room today…it is going to be picked up and cleaned up before we do anything else. Period.
They’ve tested my resolve, but I have stayed very calm while making it clear that they need to put away their items.
In these three weeks, I’ve seen a definite change in their attitude. Whereas initially there was resistance when I told them to put something away, now they’re become much more matter-of-fact about it. They may not be thrilled about having to take responsibility for the messes they make, but they’re doing it.
Now when I remind them, they usually will agree to do it, without theatrics, meltdowns or violent outbursts. It’s interesting to watch how their attitudes are shifting over time, from doing it with complaints and annoyance, to doing it because they have to, to taking pleasure in taking care of their things. Today ds8 showed me his shoe drawer, all of his shoes neatly lined up in pairs, and explained proudly that he can find his shoes whenever he wants now.
Last week I felt they were doing well with picking things up, and they were ready for me to introduce new responsibilities.
Early one morning I showed my fourteen year old son how to operate the washing machine, and told him from now on, I was entrusting him with the job of washing all the boys’ clothing daily. Later in the day when he was back from camp, I suggested he hang the load he had washed, but he said he was exhausted and would do it in the morning.
At 6 am the next morning, with absolutely no reminder from me, I heard him remove the clean load from the day before, before putting in the soiled load of laundry. Then he headed outside and hung it all. Kids know when they are doing something needed or something that you make up to keep them busy, and doing a real job, and doing it well, is its own reward. (Of course, I still acknowedged what he did and thanked him for his help.)
Previously, the boys had bunkbeds with tight fitting mattresses, so changing sheets wasn’t easy. With their new beds being much easier to access, I’ve given all of the boys the job of changing their own sheets.
That same morning that ds14 washed and hung a load of laundry, I had ds8 and ds9 strip their sheets. Seeing how well they both managed taking the sheet off, I gave them each a fitted sheet and said they could put it on, and if they needed help, I would help them. Ds8 got a bit mixed up with the long and short side of the sheet, but once I corrected that, he finished on his own with no problems. Ds9 didn’t need any help.
When the three boys walked out of the house to their camp van at 7:10 am, their room was completely tidy – all the sheets were changed, the floor was clear, and the laundry was in the middle of a cycle. It was such a nice feeling to glance in, every time I walked by their room, knowing they were the ones who cleaned it all.
When there are older siblings around, younger siblings tend to be more passive, as the older brothers or sisters are taking care of everything. My seventeen year old son will be going to yeshiva gedola (post high school yeshiva) in about six weeks, and I’ve lately begun realizing it’s time to train the next batch of children!
In recent weeks I’ve begun giving each of the four younger kids regular jobs of setting, serving, and clearing the Shabbos table. Again, there was resistance earlier on, and now I see them showing pride in what they are doing.
This is not some magical process where the kids suddenly decide to stop leaving a trail behind them. It takes constant awareness and follow-through on my part, and I couldn’t do this before because I didn’t have the emotional energy for it. I had to simplify other things and free up my head space, and only then was I able to begin this training process.
Avivah