Increasing visitation, too much, too soon – it’s not working and it’s hurting the children

Last week the social worker came for her regular visit, and was greeted by the twins clamoring to know when they’re going to move to their father’s house. She was very surprised by the question, but handled it well, asking if they want to live with him.

“Yes!!!” they exclaimed, excitedly telling her how their father had already registered ds9 for school in his area, and they described in detail the bedrooms he has ready for them.

I told her, if they’re going to return them to their father’s home, they should do it soon and not torture the children. She was taken aback by my statement, and said there’s been no conversation about him regaining custody, that he’s in no way capable at this time. I requested that she clear this up for the children because his promises are playing with their minds.

Until four months ago, the children had weekly supervised visitation for an hour every other week, so promises like this couldn’t be made. This continued for almost three years, until four months ago he began having unsupervised visits of two hours.

After the first unsupervised visit, he told them they’re coming back to live with him, and I reported this, along with another violation. Their father responded, oh, he didn’t know, he didn’t realize what he did was an issue. The staff committed to sit down with him and review the terms of visitation before he took the children again, which they did.

The second visit, there was a bigger violation. I reported it; he said it wasn’t true and the children didn’t understand or were lying. I requested oversight be at least partially restored for visitation.

The committee met to discuss what to do, and they all agreed that the father has breached the guidelines and concluded from then on, he would have oversight at the beginning and end of of each visit. But the very next day, a court request/order came in for him to have increased visitation time. Instead of implementing the decision of the day before, his visitation was doubled to four hours, with no supervision, effective immediately.

After hearing about this, I expressed my concern for the safety of the children, and our social worker shared that she also was taken aback by this ruling. I told her at the rate the visitations were changing based on nothing but his requests, the children would end up living with him again.

She told me there’s no possibility, saying he has no capacity to parent these children. Intending to reassure me, she shared that one social worker who was arguing for increased visitation for him during the meeting, made a side comment to our social worker on the way out: “You know he’s never going to get the kids back.”

It seemed obvious to me if they were granting visitation requests regardless of his violations, he would get increased visitation. I expressed my worry about what will happen if there are home visits, where there will be no one to help the children if they need it.

“If it comes to that, we have to hope the children will tell us if something is wrong.”

I almost exploded at this point. “But they’re telling us what is happening now, I’m reporting it – and you’re increasing his visitation!! He’s testing the boundaries and he’s learning he can do what he wants.”

“No, no – we gave it to him over the head for what he did. We told him what he did was wrong and he can’t do that again.”

Me: “Right, and then you turned around a minute later and rewarded him by notifying him you’re doubling his visitation!”

(I feel for my social worker, because these aren’t her decisions and she doesn’t agree with them, but she’s the one who has to notify me.)

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Two weeks ago, the latest change was made, from four hours twice a month, to four hours weekly. At this point, the children’s behavior got noticeably worse, despite it being the summer when they usually are the most happy and relaxed.

After the social worker heard from the children themselves about their father’s promises, she told me she had no idea it had gotten this bad. I reminded her I’d told her what was happening. “Yes, but I didn’t know it was this bad!” It was so predictable to me that he would continue to escalate. That’s always what happens when you don’t show people you mean what you say; they keep pushing their boundaries. And it’s the children who are hurt.

The children are now acting out a lot, every single day. I understand them, and I feel for them. Their sense of security and belonging in our home, knowing they are part of our family, has been dramatically shaken up.

Time to go to bed? Screaming: “I don’t want to live here! I want to live with my Abba!”

When they get a negative response to something they want? “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not in charge of me!” There’s a lot of demandingness, explosiveness and disrespect throughout the day, in ways that are sudden and new.

This morning I took them for the visitation, and was told when we got there that their father wasn’t going to come. This is the third out of the last four visits he missed: the week before their birthday, the week of their birthday (when he promised them a huge celebration) and now this visit, which was supposed to be the make-up birthday party. All of this right when he was granted increased visitation, when you would expect he would be most motivated to show up.

There are many things that aren’t in the hands of any one person to change, but it was possible to have shown the minimum of sensitivity to the children and let me know the minute he cancelled today. That didn’t happen, and it’s not the first time.

If the foster care agency doesn’t file a complaint about the way this has been handled by the social services worker responsible for facilitating visitation pickup, I’m going to have a meeting with her supervisor and report it. I know, people are human, we all make mistakes – but the mistakes are constant and no one is being held responsible for them. The children have no voice, unless we speak up for them, and they’re the ones paying the price. I don’t know if I’ll be heard, but I have to say something.

Avivah