Last night I spoke with a friend and caught her up on life around here.
She said: “For all the years I’ve known you, you’ve always been a wellspring; I’ve wondered if you have any limits and if you’re made of something different than most people. In the last year, for the first time I’ve heard you sound frayed around the edges.”
She’s right that the situation has worn me down at times. The things happening in the background caused me to feel deeply unseen, unvalued, and frustrated. As much as I tried to keep my focus on my own appreciation of what I was doing, it was very challenging and I wasn’t able to let everything run off my back.
Yesterday I wrote a detailed post about how seemingly small bits of information coalesced into a clarity and a strong gut instinct to end the placement with the twins. But then I decided, I don’t want to write any more about that, at least not now. I shared what I did about ending our decision, and it’s heavy enough.
I want to share different aspects of what my husband and I have discussed as we process our experience, the ways that having the twins with us have benefited us. There has been so much good, overall, much more good than negative.
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We had a chance to step into a situation in which we daily lived our highest ideals in a concrete manner. We had a deep sense of mission and contribution, to save a life. How many people get to live with a daily sense of partnering with G-d, and get to do something they believe really makes a difference in the world? We got to do that.
My six foundational parenting principles are: connection, compassion, courage, calm, clarity and correction, and we tested these again and again and again. They really work, in every situation. I’m more convinced of the deep potential and impact of parenting than ever before.
We gave and gave and gave, often testing our limits and discovering we had more inside ourselves. I’ve sometimes looked at myself in the heat of difficult moments with the children, and marvel at the patience I’ve developed. Sometimes we felt especially challenged, and had to dig deep inside to find more compassion, another way to look at what was happening in a positive way – and we did. I wouldn’t have had to develop this depth in myself if I hadn’t been pushed beyond my previous limits.
My prior home management was adequate for my life before the twins came, but with four children with special needs making messes faster than I could clean them up, I had to create better systems so that our home would run smoothly. I’ve really enjoyed seeing the difference making these shifts has made. Even with the children home all summer, the house was reset more easily; daily I was able to enjoy how nice things looked, instead of looking around and seeing things that needed to be cleaned up wherever my glance rested.
I can even thank the GAL for inspiring some positive change. After she complained about one drawer in dd’s room being jumbled, I wondered if there was a way to fold clothing so it wouldn’t get unfolded when children rummaged in their drawers. I learned to fold undergarments in a way that the drawer stays neat even when they rustle around for items, and I’ve enjoyed the visual benefits of that for the last two and a half years.
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There were relationships shifts between the children when the twins came, and some of that was hard. Ds14 and ds9.5 were best friends and did everything together. When the twins came, the dynamic changed and it turned into a group of three, with ds14 by himself. That was lonely for him, but as time has gone by, he’s begun to see himself in a different light, and stepped into being an older brother to several younger siblings, and has matured him.
Ds9.5 was a huge part of ds9’s social and emotional growth, as he emotionally built up ds9 and supported him in so many ways. But ds9 also helped ds9.5. They both have a friend around all the time who understands them, who likes spending time with them.
We switched to speaking Hebrew in the home for the first nine months the twins were here, and when we switched back to English, the children continued speaking Hebrew to one another to some degree. Ds9.5 was struggling with Hebrew in school, and this change was great for ds9.5’s language development; he is now equally confident in Hebrew as in English.
It’s not easy to create a space for a child with Down syndrome to be genuinely included and welcomed, and this became built-in to his life. He has two ‘typical’ children to spend time with, his own inclusive group to be part of. This gives him many opportunities to push himself in ways he wouldn’t get to if he were only in a special ed environment. For example, when playing running games, ds has to run from and run after children who are faster than him, and this strengthens his running skills.
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Since I set very clear boundaries with our first nine children, those children didn’t test my husband’s boundaries or show disrespect. He could play with them, and it didn’t undermine his authority. When the twins came, he needed to balance his light side with boundaries in a way that was new, and has learned how to be fun and authoritative at the same time.
My youngest teenage son (now 17) has learned the same. Before the twins came, he was a fun uncle who was okay with whatever his nieces and nephews did. With the twins, he learned to recognize his own boundaries, and how to clearly and calmly set limits with children. This will benefit him not just in the future as a father, but even now – learning to respect our own limits has so much value at every age.
My nineteen and twenty year old sons also learned so much. All of our teenage boys practiced so much patience and kindness with the kids, doing activities and taking them on special trips. By myself, I couldn’t have created the all-encompassing strong family environment the twins got to experience for so long. These three boys have seen challenging situations up close, again and again, and learned from it all, as I talked with them about why and how I responded. Every single one of them will be an amazing father.
My married children and their children all contributed to the twins’ deep sense of family. While I can’t say what they may have gained, since I didn’t ask them, during a visit this summer, one daughter said she learned a lot from watching me parent for those few days. By the time adult children are old enough to want to know what you would do and how you would handle situations, your youngest children are past that stage. In our case, the twins are just ten months older than our oldest grandchild, so we are dealing with similar parenting issues as our married children.
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Our home has been filled with the presence of young children, at a stage of life that most of our peers are well past that. In an age where things are increasingly disconnected and artificial, we live in a very real world of abundant connection daily. We give – and get – a lot of love. There are smiles, hugs, kisses, laughter, music, dancing, movement – things that have kept us mentally and physically more vibrant.
I’ve learned to recognize and respect my limits in a deeper way. I won’t push myself the way I used to. I value having quiet and rest, and living with so many intense needs has helped me consciously create more space to recharge.
The challenges we’ve faced together have continued to deepen my relationship with my husband, and our marriage is stronger for all of it.
While the technical aspects of our foster care experiece were draining and disillusioning, I don’t regret for a moment that we stepped up when asked to take on this opportunity. We’ve gained so much, even more than we gave, and I’m genuinely grateful we’ve had the opportunity to experience what we did.
Avivah