After we notified our social worker about our decision to stop fostering, she relayed that information to her supervisors. A day or two later, she said that the highest level representative from the foster care agency wants to meet with us, together with our social worker and her supervisor.
I told her, I’m not playing games with anyone. I’m not threatening to quit and hoping they will help us. We’re not negotiating. We’re way past that point. I don’t want them to stall and make excuses, or tell us they’re going to help us. We’ve done everything we can to get help, and we’re done.
She said she understood, but they won’t start the process to find a new placement for the twins until we have this meeting. So I set an appointment to meet them, together with my husband.
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That same night, the judge called me. You might think I was taken aback or honored to get this call, but I wasn’t. Not at all. She said she’d like to meet with us, and it’s so important to her that she’s willing to come to our home. I told her I’m not interested in meeting with anyone, because it serves no purpose.
She said that maybe there’s something she could have done to help. Yes, I told her, that’s possible. There’s a lot of people who could have done something to help, but no one did, and that’s why we are where we are.
She said she could hear my anger, but it was nonetheless important for her to speak to us.
I told her, No, you don’t hear my anger. There was a time I was frustrated and resentful, but that’s not what I’m feeling now, and I’m not feeling anger. I’m simply done.
She said even if it won’t help our situation, hearing about what happened to us might help others. I agreed we would meet with her.
I take no joy in this sudden interest in our case. I ask myself, why hasn’t anyone been interested for the last three years? Or even a year ago, when we were getting close to our limits? This wasn’t a secret: I shared openly at a meeting that the stress of having to constantly defend ourselves from false claims was wearing us down emotionally and taking away the headspace we needed to take care of our children. At least one report was sent in stating that.
After that, I was assured that the agency representatives would represent us legally and stand against the GAL on our behalf, and leave us to use our emotional energy for our family.
It was a wonderful sentiment, sincerely expressed and I appreciated it – but nothing they did helped.
So we’re going to have these meetings, because we have to, and we’re going to stay focused on what we’re there to discuss. I’m not optimistic that anything we share will be helpful for others, but the most important thing is to get support so the new placement for the twins will be done in the best possible way.
Avivah
27 Responses
Avivah, I hear your anger. Your anger is justified. I hear how you are DONE, just DONE, just simply and totally DONE. I hear your frustration. I hear it all.
I ask you to step back a minute. Imagine ALL of the obstacles could be floated away. What would you like your life, your family’s life, the twins’ lives to look like?
It is possible that the judge can give you that. But you need to state very clearly to the judge what you need, with a deadline, and simply say: “These are my boundaries, you have until X date if you wish the twins to stay with us. I cannot endanger my family and I cannot risk our mental health any longer. If you can remove GAL and cut visitation to once a month and supervised for the next 10 years, then great. And if not, I’m sorry. These are not flexible, it is either/or.”
The judge is in great part at fault for this situation. The question is if the judge is willing to fix the problem….because it is 100% up to the judge to fix it. The judge can terminate parental rights…can order less visitation…can block appeals…can remove social workers from a case…can remove visitation entirely…can remove the twins tomorrow…can do pretty much anything…. (this is part of what’s wrong with the system is that judges are not entirely professional and have way too much power…but that is a separate story)
One more point. The system here is that everything will be okay in the end, until it isn’t. And then when it isn’t people wake up. That is part of the culture, and it is a big problem, and I understand your frustration (and have vented about this exact issue many times myself). But it is just part of life here. Not specific to anything.
Chana, your points are good ones, ones that my husband and I have been discussing at length.
And in the meantime I think I am telling my husband that we are not fostering no matter what. Maybe safe home, maybe adoption that cuts the strings, not long-term foster. (But you don’t have this issue with your Trisomy 21 foster child, right?) I do not have it in me to deal with this kind of system crap in addition to my kids’ challenges and foster kids’ challenges.
So thank you for sharing these parts of your story as well.
My experience with ds9.5 has been completely different. In his case, there’s been almost no involvement from the bio parents, and while for him that’s not necessarily ideal, for us it makes life much, much simpler. In our discussions with them directly prior to him coming to us, they anticipated very frequent visits, so this wasn’t a known factor from the start.
When you have constant agitation from very aggressive parents, combined with a very hostile GAL who treats the complaints of the parents as absolute proof of wrongdoing, is what our lives look like.
Maybe you can offer respite to foster families, or do short term foster care? Or if there’s a family that needs support where you live, maybe you can be of help to them directly, to keep them from falling into a situation of social services involvement? I’m reluctant to unilaterally tell anyone to never consider fostering.
Short-term foster care is “mishpachat kelet”, right? Or did you mean something else? OTOH the GAL did the same thing to the twins’ mishpachat kelet. She’s just “one of those” social workers…who seem to be over 50% of the social workers…
I thought of helping families directly but after seeing (and trying to help) a few of the struggling families who are candidates for having their kids removed, I decided it is too dangerous to be involved and the best thing is to stay far away from them. There is a reason they are at risk of having their kids removed, and it’s because the parents aren’t safe people…not for us, not for their kids, not for my kids. So I would want to be anonymous and do it through official channels, crossing every “t” and dotting every “i.” Or else not do it at all.
Does respite go through the system or is it unofficial?
I am sure there are families with less challenges than mine who are capable of dealing with this as well as you have been dealing with it. I just don’t know that I personally am up for it.
It’s really not so easy to find a way to help, is it?
Yes, short term is kelet cherum. Anytime you’re involved with the system, there are going to be issues.
If you wanted to offer respite care, you could sign up with Ezer Mitzion as a host family (and get paid). This is usually a service for children with special needs, but sometimes foster parents also have the option of using y’mei hakala/respite days. That is official but isn’t directly through social services; the ones you interface with are Ezer Mitzion and they’re really helpful and efficient.
Thanks.
Do you think kelet cheirum would be easier, versus problems with the system?
Actually, it’s also part of the system so there would probably be similar challenges – underappreciated, undersupported, underpaid, overworked…but I really don’t want to discourage you from getting involved in helping children in need, since you have such a strong desire.
Avivah, May Hashem guide you and your Husband in this extremely trying time,
and whatever the outcome will be should be good for your family and Hoping for the Twins also.
Good YomTov!
Thank you, Rachelli. Ksiva v’chasima tova!
Avivah, just a thought: have the judge read all of your blog posts here since the beginning with the twins! Maybe even print it all out & hand it to them. That would give them a perfect well-rounded picture of what has really happened all along the way. (Although I’m sure there’s also more that you were unable to share here.)
Praying for everyone involved!
Kelly
Kelly, I outlined the main points we want to focus on, and will summarize what is most important to me to discuss.
Thank you for your prayers!
Concerning Chana’s points, which are really good – I don’t know anything about how the system is supposed to work, but even if the judge ruled, for example, that the children would have only supervised visitation only once a month for the next ten years, could this be relied upon? Isn’t there constant reassessment in foster care? What if this judge retires, etc?
The judge could decide that this is final and revisiting it is not in the children’s best interests. He would likely decide to revisit once a year just to make sure things are going well and check the father’s progress. And yes it is within the judge’s authority to do that.
I actually read your two previous posts and thought to myself “I bet they will now all want to speak to her and rectify everything and won’t let her stop fostering”. We are new to Israel but somehow it sounded exactly like how these systems work here sometimes. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and that now you are still stuck in the middle!
Welcome to Israel, Keren!
Beneath all your words and descriptions and frustrations, I am continuously floored by one very consistent fact: you wake up in the morning and seek to “build tov”, as my good friend says. Just that kol demamah dakah threaded throughout your posts and even your upsets (all warranted) is so unique, sincerely self-subordinating and incredibly instructive to the people exposed to you. May you be bentched again and again for your core resilience in greeting the day with chesed over and over. Wow.
Thank you, Arielle. That is so kind of you. Shana tova to you!
Yes, Avivah, instead of meeting with them – send them the link to your site! They will read not only your posts, but what so many others posted and shared. Is that possible?
Also – the only way you should be willing to continue fostering the twins is through adoption.
Avivah do not link them to your blog. It will cause much more harm than good. Even though these wonderful women mean well. It could hurt you and your family, badly.
There’s no chance of me sending them here! As a personal blog, it’s not something I want to share with official channels.
TL, I won’t send them here but I’ll be sharing the points of most relevance.
Adoption wouldn’t be fostering, and when parents want to stay in the picture, adoption isn’t an option.
If the court deems the parents too harmful then the parents don’t have a choice any longer. Just FYI. Not related to this case specifically.
These meetings can be very difficult. In moments of burnout I’m tempted to notate them in private parts of my files as “oh no, the consequences of our actions.” But then I remind myself that is not helpful and staying in that mindset does not benefit anything.
I have no doubt you’re prepared because in hard moments I use lessons from your blog to remind myself how to move forward. I hope the meetings are at least cordial even if the system can’t offer you productive change.
Anne, the good thing about having made a decision to stop is that I don’t have any emotional investment in them and am not hoping for any particular outcome.
OMG the system the system the system!
This is so familiar I read this post to my husband and we couldn’t stop laughing.
Wait until the person is done and then start taking them seriously. We had this experience in our role dorm parents, only when we where completely done and made plans to move on, did the system start to discuss providing resources and support we had been asking for three years.
They will promise you the moon and back when they meet you. I know because this was my scenario.
We did not change our decision because of the promises and afterwards found out that none of the supports promised to us where provided to the couple who filled the role after us.
There was a doch mevaker hamedina about the revacha about 15 years ago, it is biting and lists some of the issues you have dealt with. It is systemic and not limited to the specific GAL you dealt with.
I’m glad I provided you with a reason to laugh, Shira!
People have asked me if I think the system can be changed, but I think it would have to be completely torn down and then rebuilt from scratch to see any real improvement.