It’s hard to believe how much has changed in a month – what a turnaround!

After a very intense month, there has been a huge shift in our foster care situation.

When we decided to end our placement, it was after hearing three seemingly minor bits of information; after piecing them together, I had a very, very strong sense that we and the twins were in danger. I suspected the GAL was behind the sudden accelerated visitation schedule for the father, that was illogically moving very fast despite violations. My guess was she wanted them out of our house so much that she was putting her legal power behind him, and she would continue pushing until he was granted home visits.

Once that was in place, I was positive we would be charged with something major, something that would provide an excuse for the kids to be pulled immediately and moved there. I expected it to be in the next year. I suspected this is why she was keeping the flames against us fanned despite lack of evidence, so she could later come along with the big accusation and tell everyone else, you see, I’ve been telling you all along this family was unfit and neglectful.

I knew my conjecture might sound outlandish and paranoid to some, like I was building a case in my mind that had no proof, so I didn’t share my supposition except with family and a couple of friends. But I had a powerful gut feeling this was the explanation for the seemingly random complaints and visitation issues, and I’ve learned not to ignore my gut feelings.

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When the judge came to our home, I learned for the first time that the GAL has been charging us with neglect of the children for over three years. I knew there were constant complaints that were baseless and unfair, and for each, I responded to the specifics of whatever it was. I obviously knew she couldn’t stand us; she could hardly tolerate looking at or speaking to me.

I thought she was beginning to attempt to build a case against us for neglect. I never guessed she had been saying we were neglectful from the very beginning.

Though she’s spoken with a lot of intensity and hostility against us, the only concrete proof of our ‘disgusting’ and ‘filthy’ home she could reference was that she opened our closets during her first visit two and a half years ago and one drawer had jumbled clothing. The drawer wasn’t jumbled during her second and final visit a year later, but that didn’t keep her from recently escalating the claim to the entire closet being a mess.

The proof of the emotional neglect was her claim that dd wanted a picture of her family next to her head when she slept, and she told everyone that I refused to put it there. She didn’t tell them that I hung a large picture canvas of the twins with their parents in dd’s room before they came, so they would know from the first moment here that there was no conflict between them living with us and their relationship with their parents – and that picture already hung two feet from dd’s head when she slept.

During our first meeting with the foster care agency reps, our social worker shared that she sometimes feels like crying at committee meetings, hearing the things that have been said against us and knowing the truth; she’s been doing her best to counter these claims of the GAL for a long time. I was concerned that we wouldn’t be starting with a clean slate with the new staff from the city the twins’ file was transferred to, that they would be poisoned against us from all the GAL said.

I was relieved to learn that the new social worker for child’s law spoke to our social worker after the last committee meeting and expressed her disbelief and shock at hearing a foster family so badly maligned. Since what the GAL said against us was so extreme, it apparently raised questions and made it less believable. This social worker will be coming to do a home visit herself after the holidays; I didn’t want her to visit until the primary details about the situation were ironed out and we were sure we were continuing.

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I called the judge erev Yom Kippur to update her on our decision to continue, and thank her for what she did for the children. She told me she had kept abreast of our situation and knew we would be continuing, then said we’re the ones she wants to thank. She was honored to meet people like us, people who ‘light up the world with your goodness’. She went on that she can’t believe that people like us exist, and since she met us, has been telling everyone about us.

She told me to never doubt myself, that I have a deep understanding of what children need running through my veins. (I wished I knew how to record messages, because she said much more along these lines, very sincerely and eloquently, and I would have loved to have my husband hear exactly what she said – or to play it back for myself when I’m feeling discouraged!)

I thanked her for what she did for the twins, and told her that she truly saved their lives with her ruling, that they only had until October 4 to be with us before their lives would have been irrevocably changed for the worse. She said she has a deep sense of mission and passion for helping children in foster care, and even though she’s moving from the youth court to the district court, if I ever need help, to please reach out to her.

I thanked her, and said I appreciated the offer, but didn’t have a good sense of what circumstances would be appropriate to contact her. She responded, “Let’s make this very simple. I’m no longer your judge and no longer responsible for your case. From now on, I’m your friend, and you can call me whenever you want, for whatever you want.”

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Yesterday I had a second meeting with representatives with the foster care agency, to iron out some final bureaucratic issues that were stressful but not deal breakers in terms of continuing as a foster family. It was very helpful, and it looks like we’ll be getting much appreciated support in a couple of different areas.

One of them told me that our case was extreme, but with all of these changes in place, we should now be able to have the typical fostering experience. I hope that it’s true that most people don’t experience anything like what we’ve gone through. There are so, so many children in need of a safe and loving home, and I would love to be able to recommend to others to look into fostering if it’s something that they feel inclined towards.

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Some people have asked me about what the GAL’s response was when she was removed from our file.

I have no idea. I’m glad we won’t have further interactions with her, and I genuinely hope she has internal healing of the obvious pain from a deep place in her (I presume childhood), that led her to act as she has. Clearly G-d wanted us to go through something difficult, that difficulty led us to a much better place, and she was one of the messengers for that experience. While I felt incredulity and deep frustration about the false and often ridiculous accusations that were made for so long, at this point, it’s over and what remains is compassion for her.

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I’m now entering a very busy period with Sukkos on the doorstep! My mother-in-law will be arriving from the US tomorrow morning. She’s tried to come for the last year and a half, but every time, there was some kind of war related issue that changed her plans. I’m glad she’s finally making it back to be with us.

Five of our married children will be coming for Sukkos, and I asked them to work out the details with one another so they will all be satisfied with the schedule of their visits. When the first three couples were younger, they enjoyed coming together, but now that they each have families of four or five children, they prefer coming one at a time, so that their children have more time with us. So they aim for minimal overlap.

As such, one daughter will be coming for the first Shabbos through Monday, my oldest son will come on motzai Shabbos through Monday, my oldest daughter will come Monday through Friday, and then a daughter and son will come for the second Shabbos, for Simchas Torah.

I’m so much looking forward to spending time with them all! The more I prepare ahead of time, the easier it is for me to be present when they come. I’m starting my day today with a personal bodywork session (I’m making a conscious effort to put self-nurture first, even when it’s super busy), and then hope to sit down and do meal planning.

I enjoy all of the holidays, and Sukkos has its own special flavor. I love the extended time together outdoors in the sukka; I don’t sleep there but lots of others do, and it’s fortunate we have such a large sukka to fit so many mattresses!

Last year we were asked to host a simchas beis hashoeiva for the shul; the rav of the community hosted the first one, and we hosted the second one. This year we’re assuming we’ll do the same, so the boys are planning to set up for that along with building the sukka. It will be good to have more time in advance so that I can do my shopping with this in mind; last year we pulled it all together on short notice – the boys with the set up, me with preparing refreshments. We had about a hundred people attending last time and assume we’ll have a similar crowd this time.

Four years ago I began making huge pots of thick mushroom barley soup for the shul, to serve during the long morning services of Simchas Torah. My husband takes the pots, hot plates, hot cups and spoons over before Simchas Torah, and sets it up so it will be hot when needed. I got the idea from our shul in Baltimore, where they always had a big pot of soup for people to take from. While no one requests it, every year there’s warm appreciation expressed, so I continue to prepare it, and our sons serve it during the break. This will be my fifth year doing it.

Thank you all for being here, for sharing the relief we feel as the difficulties we’ve encountered as a foster family have been mitigated. For those celebrating, have a wonderful Sukkos!

Avivah