Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Respecting child’s learning readiness

    >>I am a new homeschooling mother, having just begun this year with my 3 boys – ages 6, 5 and 16 months.  Our reasons for homeschooling were to be able to address social/emotional issues – to raise our children with manners, respect, good communication skills and having positive relationships that we felt we were unable to accomplish satisfactorily while they were in a school setting. On that front, my husband and I are both amazed at the changes we have seen in just these 3-4 short months.<<

    How exciting!

    >>However, now that I feel like we are on the right track with our overall goal, I need to focus on the academics/learning goals.  But I am getting stuck. The idea of letting kids learn at their own pace, when they are developmentally ready for it, is one that (at least, theoretically) I believe in. But practically, how do I become confident enough to say that its ok for my 5 year old to not begin reading Hebrew if he’s not ready for it? And I know that he’s not ready because every session ends in tears. Then I get frustrated that maybe I am not a good enough teacher, that maybe a different method would work better and I end up getting upset at him for not being able to ‘get’ it. <<

    It’s challenging when your heart and your head are giving you different messages!  It sounds to me like this is about being afraid that you’re going to fail your son, and that somehow you’re inadequate.  When a child isn’t ready, it doesn’t matter how well you present the material – so this isn’t about you not being enough.  It’s about your son not yet being ready to learn to read. 

    Since you didn’t tell me how you handle teaching reading, I’m going to assume that you follow a traditional drill approach.  ‘Drill and kill’ hasn’t been termed in this way for nothing!   Perhaps as you step back from systematically teaching him to read, you can instead look for ways to play with letters/words with him.  There are flashcards of the alphabet that you can get to play matching games with, cookie cutters in letter shapes to use to bake with – you don’t even need cookie cutters – you can give him some bread dough next time you’re baking and let him form the letters of his name or another word that he wants to make, talking about the sounds of the letters as you go along.  There are a couple of online sites that I’ve never used but have seen recommended for teaching Hebrew reading.  (Readers, please share your resources in the comments section below!) 

     The goal isn’t to make him learn, but to a) refrain from demotivating him by pushing him too soon for something he’s not ready for, and b) show him that things connected to reading are fun so that his intrinsic desire to learn is enhanced!  With time he’ll make the connection to reading being fun.  Here are some past posts that may shed some additional light on how I handle this.

    http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/reading-readiness-activities/

    http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/waiting-for-interest-the-early-years/

    http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com/2009/04/23/hebrew-reading-and-writing/

    >>My 6 year old learned to read both Hebrew and English in school last year and is progressing well.  But he gets upset that he has to do more work than his brother, and if I cut out reading for the younger one, than the older one will be that much more upset. So what should I have the 5 year old do while the 6 y.o. is working at the table?<<

    For starters, maybe you can make reading more fun for the older one so the perception that he’s stuck doing the boring stuff while his brother gets to have fun is minimized.  It wouldn’t be fair to insist on the younger one having to do something just because his brother doesn’t want to suffer alone!  However, the reality is that there are different things expected of different children, and if you’ve made the effort to approach learning in an engaging way in line with their readiness and ability, at that point you can let the boys know this is simply how it is.  Kids don’t have to like and approve of all that we do. 

    >>This brings me to another question: is there such as thing as spending too much time playing lego? The two boys can spend literally hours playing with their legos, and when I try to encourage them to do s/t else – puzzles, art, board games etc. they don’t want to. After their work is done, I allow them to play as much lego as they want, but I don’t want 5 y.o. to play lego while 6 y.o. is working on reading /writing. Am I being reasonable? I tell him to choose a learning game, but he is very resistant.<<

    There’s nothing wrong developmentally with spending hours on legos and not wanting to play with other things – it sounds like they’ve found something the really enjoy!  But if it’s interfering with the way you want to run the house, then you need to clarify to them what the limits of playing with legos are.  You can empathize with their desire to play as often as they want, but at the same time firmly let them know what the parameters for playing with them are.  “I know you like playing with the legos because they’re so much fun, and after we finish with xyz, we’ll be able to take them out.  Right now we’re doing xyz.”

    >>I think a problem I have is that I read many homeschooling blogs and so many describe what their children are learning and the many hours they spend doing it. My 6 y.o. is at the table for maybe 1-1.5 hours total doing workbooks. So I feel inadequate that I am not teaching them enough, especially if I will be laid back with my 5 y.o.’s reading.<<

    It can be challenging to read homeschooling blogs and books, to feel inspired or encouraged but not to compare ourselves to those we read about.  Realize that you’re only seeing a little slice of life wherever you’re reading; we all have times when children are dragging their feet, aren’t excited about going along with the plan we’ve made up, the house is a mess, and it doesn’t seem like much learning is happening.  That’s reality, and no one is exempt.  I said to a homeschooling friend recently that when reading homeschooling magazines or books, you could get the impression that most homeschooled kids are doing things like building their own high powered telescopes using scavenged materials during their free time every day!  

    To me, the power of homeschooling is in much more subtle things than outward accomplishments.  It’s about the kind of people your children are developing into, the relationships you establish with them and that they create with one another.  It’s about children developing an intrinsic value for learning, that comes in part from having their internal timetable respected and nurtured.  It’s about the people they are becoming, not at how early an age they do algebra or if they’re going to impress the neighbors or validate me to others as a good homeschooling mother by virtue of their accomplishments. 

    >>We do a lot of ‘other’ learning – reading together, cooking and baking, household chores, discussions on science, geography, current events etc. that we all really enjoy, but the table learning is frustrating for all of us. They drag their feet (in some subjects) and want to get back to playing, and I get upset that there isn’t enough formal learning happening. <<

    So if they’re learning and everyone is enjoying it, what is the value to you of table learning?  Is this what you perceive as ‘real’ learning?  Or are there things that they can’t learn any other way that are critical for them to know now?  Learning doesn’t have to be formal to be happening; in fact, much of the most powerful learning is informal! 

    >>It also bothers me that my 6 y.o. was a good student and always did his work easily in school, but now because he has so much more playtime, I feel like he just wants more and more and is resistant to a lot of work.<<

    It sounds like you’re afraid that by letting him play more, he’s developing bad habits.  If you’re generally an undisciplined person yourself and don’t have expectations of him in any other areas, you’d be right to be concerned. But a six year old wanting to play more and do less of the boring stuff is pretty normal.  He did well in a framework where he didn’t have any better choices, but now he has choices and sitting quietly for long periods doesn’t hold up well in comparison!

    >>So to sum up, how do I become confident enough to follow my kids’ lead on what is appropriate for them at a certain stage, without worrying about what others are doing, and especially what their class is doing at school? And secondly, how do I make the distinction between when they are not ready for s/t yet, and when they are just dragging their heels because they want to go play?<<

    Fear and comparisons to school schedules and other homeschoolers are very common, but they are also paralyzing and keep you from finding the special path that is just right for your family.  I think letting go of the worry becomes much easier when you and your husband clarify what your goals in homeschooling your children are, and talk about how to be true to those goals in your day to day approach.  When what you do is aligned with your beliefs and values, you’ll naturally be much less concerned about what others are doing/thinking.  This takes some time, but it’s very worthwhile, because without a flight plan, how will you know if you’re on target to reach your destination?  

    Avivah

  • Dd and concussion

    Yesterday was ds12’s birthday, so we enjoy a nice birthday dinner and then a special home movie.  Everyone got to sleep late, but somehow, I woke up much earlier than usual today!  I love the idea of going to sleep early and getting up early, but it doesn’t seem to work well for me at this stage of life.  So even though my early rising was prompted by concern I was feeling about dd16, I appreciated being able to have an early morning today.

    On Thursday night my dd16 slipped, fell down five steps, and her head slammed into the wall.  It was a serious fall, though she didn’t pass out, and was loud enough that it brought people running from all over who heard. It was, as she put it, one of the scariest things that ever happened to her, and her friend who was with her said the same thing, that just seeing it was incredibly scary. 

    As soon as I learned about this (she mentioned it on her blog), I was concerned that she had suffered a concussion, even though she insisted she was fine when I called her.  (She always plays down any pain or discomfort she has.)  I told her I wanted her to get arnica and start taking it every few hours, and find an osteopath who could do cranio-sacral work to deal with the blow to her head.  She agreed to find out about where to buy arnica and to look for an osteopath but I could tell it was because I said so, not because she was concerned. 

    Yesterday morning I was surprised by an early morning call, letting me know she was on her way to the doctor since she was having so a lot of nausea and bad headaches.   Knowing how much she dislikes doctors and her tendency to tell me everything is fine, it was obvious she was worried about her symptoms, which in an of itself concerned me.  By this time, I was absolutely positive that she had a concussion, and though I didn’t have much confidence in this doctor, because I’d already heard that the feedback from students who have been there a couple of years is that the diagnostic ability/competence isn’t very high, I told dd that at least it would be valuable for assessment purposes.

    When I called her back later in the day to find out how the visit was, she told me the doctor said she couldn’t have a concussion since she wasn’t vomiting, and that her symptoms were from stress.  Right.  She was perfectly healthy two days before but she got so stressed out over her relaxing and enjoyable Shabbos with friends that she starts having intense head pain and nausea, and there’s absolutely no connection to a major blow to the head the day before her symptoms began- makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?!?  This isn’t the kind of thing that instills confidence in the medical profession. 

    Dd16 realized based on the reading she did about this before going that it wasn’t accurate, but the other girls in her program accepted the stress diagnosis, even though all of them are skeptical about this doctor.  Dd couldn’t understand how they were willing to accept feedback that made no sense, especially since they know her and that she’s not a person to make things up, and they know that the doctor doesn’t have a reputation for being competent.  (If you’re wondering why she went, it’s because this is the doctor the school sends the girls to.)   She found the unquestioning confidence in medical authority somewhat disturbing. 

    I think it was harder for her to feel invalidated than to experience the pain and discomfort she was having, to have what she was feeling to be minimized since it must just be ‘stress’.  I said to dd that it must be hard to be in a situation where there’s not much understanding or validation for the physical symptoms she was having.  And she said, “Yes, but I’m lucky I have a mother like you to talk to.”  I really love her!  And I feel pretty lucky myself to have such a wonderful daughter.

    Thank G-d we’re not dependent on this doctor to be her primary care physician, and I’m very, very grateful that her dorm counselor has an interest in alternative health so she is a great resource person for dd.  Otherwise I don’t know where she’d start trying to get the information and help that she really needs.  Her counselor even offered to lend her money for the visit to the osteopath.  I’m also grateful that we know about options to the ‘let her suffer and wait it out’ approach, and have the resources to pay for this, since private doctors are outside of the coverage of the school insurance plan. 

    I was glad to speak to her early today and hear she has an appointment this Thursday with an osteopath.  She’ll have to take the day off from school to travel over 2.5 hours in each direction to get there, but the main thing is that she has an appointment!  And she was glad to tell me that a friend called her grandmother, a doctor here in the US, and told her what the doctor dd had gone to said, and the grandmother doctor said it was inaccuate information and it definitely sounds like a concussion.  Now another friend of hers in the school is planning to call her parent who is a doctor about dd, and dd is feeling better just knowing that someone else in her school knows that it’s not all in her head!  (Or should I say, that it literally is all in her head? :P)

    Even though dd didn’t have a stress component regarding her concussion, I did :), and I’m also feeling much better knowing that she’ll be seeing someone who has the possibility of offering her concrete help. 

    Avivah

  • Online digital children’s library

    This morning I got a call from overseas from someone asking for help with a curriculum for preschool age children.  Not being a huge fan of canned curriculum, I told her she could look online but shared my perspective that: a) there’s no such thing as a standardized curriculum – it varies from country to country, state to state, and even county to county; b) it’s important to be aware of readiness and to ‘prime the pump’, so to speak.

    I then asked her about what her specific concern was, and she told me that her young daughter (age 5) had trouble with the concept of sequencing in a story and was currently working with a speech therapist on this.  I said that a child the age of that age was on the continuum of normal in absorbing this understanding.  So, I continued, as long as the mother continued reading with her, the daughter would naturally pick it up without it being taught as a remedial skill.

    And then the mother told me that was a problem, that she doesn’t read to her!  Well, obviously that’s a huge part of why the child can’t follow storylines – she doesn’t have experience in sequencing stories!   I explained to the mother that it’s unfair to say a child has a learning disability when they’re placed in an environment that they have no context to relate to or understand.  It often happens that parents treat their child for their symptoms instead of looking at where the root issue is; this is an example of a child being diagnosed with a learning disability when the problem is the home learning environment.  (I could go on and on with examples of this – it’s really upsetting when I see children labeled with their symptoms and then medicated or treated as if the child is the problem, etc, without anyone looking at what’s going on at home or making the changes that would make a difference for the child.) 

    Anyway, I suggested that the mother begin regularly reading with her daughter, and she told me they didn’t really own many books in their native language.  I explained that could use/adapt what they have; kids don’t mind having the same book daily!  However, here’s a great free resource has children’s books to read online in 73 languages for anyone who wants to increase the books they have available to read to their children – it’s the International Children’s Digital Library.  Even if you have a great library near home, this can be a great way to access books in foreign languages!

    Avivah

  • Great article by Gabor Mate

    Here’s a link to a great article – unlike most articles about parenting, in which I tend to disagree with at least some of what’s written (and often a lot more than just some!), I thought this one was dead on. 

    That’s not surprising, I suppose, since the person being interviewed was Dr. Gabor Mate, coauthor of Hold On To Your Kids, whose view on parenting seems quite similar to mine.  This is the best parenting book that I’ve read in the last five or six years, and even though some find it hard to get through, I thought it was excellent and have recommended it to a lot of people.  It was the first  book that I ever read that I felt supported my way of parenting – a foundation of lots of love with clear boundaries, recognizing that parents must be the primary love figure in a child’s life to have any real power to effectively parent.   

    This article touches on some very powerful ideas regarding addiction, attachment, ADD, parenting, bullying, the school system – lots of things worth thinking about!

    Avivah

  • Reading readiness activities

    Ds4 is now recognizing the letters of the ABC, knows a lot of the sounds, and is starting to copy the letters on his own.  A week or two ago he brought me a scrap of paper that he had copied letters onto, and asked me what it spelled.  I sounded it out, and then he went off to copy more letters (randomly), bringing them to me each time to ‘read’ it.  He asked me to write different words for him to copy, and after a few days of this, progressed to copying simple sentences.  He wrote a ‘letter’ and left it at the home of a friend nearby; it’s nice to see how naturally this happens with just a little support from me. 

    I love seeing how a child progresses through the stages of reading readiness when he’s engaged and interested – it’s so exciting!   I don’t actively teach reading  because I find it works out well for our children to respond to their interests rather than impose my timeline on them, and they’ve each taught themselves to read somewhere between the age of 5 – 8.    I definitely could help them learn earlier by being more actively involved in teaching them, but reading is fun and I don’t think it should become a chore and disconnected from the purpose – the point is to have fun or gain knowledge.  The primary reading readiness that I do is reading lots of books to the kids from the time they are young – ds1.5 has been sitting independently thumbing through books for months.  Once they know reading is a great activity, they’re going to naturally seek to learn to read on their own at some point. 

    When ds4 draws a picture, I often ask him to tell me about it and then label significant parts of his picture, and sometimes I transcribe the story of what the picture is about as he describes it to me next to the picture.  (I don’t yet do this with ds3 – I only verbalize what he tells me he’s drawing.)  By doing this, it shows him I’m interested about what’s important to him, it helps me understand what he’s thinking about, and it at the same time it teaches that words mean something, that they relate to the picture on the page.

    Last week my husband took this concept further in a way that both he and ds4 enjoyed.  They sat down together and wrote a book!  Ds4 told dh the story, bit by bit.  As ds decided on an idea, they would pause while dh drew a simple illustration, asking ds4 to clarify what was happening and what he should put into the drawing.  (Eg – what was Backpack Bear eating, what did he buy?).  The book is about 6 or 7 pages long, and made simple of 8 x 11 paper folded in half, then taped to keep it all together – not complicated.  On the cover it says that it was written by Daddy and ds4, and on the very back cover, ds4 suggested that they write a summary of what the book was about (I guess he picked that up somewhere, but I don’t know how). 

    This was not only a nice bonding activity for them, but ds4 loves this book!  He keeps it in a plastic zippered pouch and a few times a day brings it out and reads it to me.  He of course has the entire thing memorized and feels so special to have written a book!  He loves that his own words and ideas turned into a book – there’s a real sense of ownership and pride.

    Avivah

  • Give someone what they want to receive

    I’ve been talking in my classes recently about the power of the emotional bank account, how it’s critical to keep the balance in the relationship with our children high by making deposits and avoiding withdrawals.  This means that you have to understand what constitutes a withdrawal and what is a deposit.  And it also means recognizing that different people define deposits – ie meaningful expressions of affection – differently.  That can complicate things when someone thinks he has been building the balance and then realizes that what he thought he was giving wasn’t being received as it was intended.

    We have to learn to give what a person wants to receive, not what we want to give or what’s easy for us to give – that’s what true giving is all about!  My ds4 gave me a plastic credit card and two rubber bands wrapped up nicely for a Chanukah present, and I thought it was so sweet of him to want to give me something!  However, while it’s cute and sweet when a 4 year old gives you what he has because that’s what he has, it’s not so cute when it’s an adult that you would expect to be aware of your likes/needs who gives you something that’s really not at all what you want or need. 

    Tonight someone asked me about how to respond to her husband, who recently gave her a diamond necklace.  The problem?  She hates the necklace (doesn’t like diamonds or the style), hates how much money was spent on it, and doesn’t want the expectation that she’ll now wear it every day.  Though her husband intended to be generous and loving, she told me this was probably the biggest withdrawal in the history of their marriage – that he gave her something so totally unsuited to her, which is obvious to anyone who knows her even casually, something that is perceived as more of a burden than a gift.  

    So how can we avoid this?  When attempting to build a relationship, look for clues as to what’s important to the other person.  The easiest way to do this is to see how they make deposits for others!  This can be challenging since recognizing other ways of showing love can go under our radar if it differs very much from our own way.  Sometimes we get frustrated with others who have different ways of showing their love, and it helps to realize that it’s not that they’re selfish or clueless, just that we’re speaking a different language.

    I recently realized with a relationship in my life that has had a good bit of friction that we have diametrically opposed way of showing that we care.  I do things for people I like, and when people do things for me (or even just express the desire/willingness to do something for me), this is the biggest way they can show they appreciate me.  And so I did a lot of nice things for this person, some small and some big, in addition to verbally expressing a lot of appreciation, inviting her to our home on regular occasions, spending time visiting with her, etc.  This was challenging because it felt like a one way relationship, but I continued to make what I felt were deposits because I wanted to show the person I cared.

    Imagine my surprise when I recently got an email from this person telling me that basically all I ever do is take from her and that I’m selfish and uncaring!  To say I was taken aback would be an understatement.  I had to work really hard not to respond emotionally, and instead to think about why she would say something like that.  I assumed she said she felt I was unloving because she felt unloved, which pushed me to think hard about what I wasn’t doing for her, what I wasn’t successfully communicating.  How would she prefer I show her I cared? 

    Because I had given so much of what I would have wanted, this wasn’t easy for me to consider, but telling ourselves all the reasons we’re right and others are wrong isn’t what moves a person forward in life!  What I realized based on a comment in that email (complained that I never call her) is that she appreciates long chatty phone calls just talking about nothing in particular (which honestly frustrates me – very different from my communication style), and that she’d be happier if I called her for even ten minutes every week than everything else I was doing put together!  Since I kept my phone contact with her minimal and short when we did need to speak by phone, you can see how despite my best intentions, I wasn’t giving her what she wanted and she felt I didn’t care about her. 

    This has been a growing opportunity for me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone for the sake of this relationship.  No, it’s really not easy for me, but you can’t say you really care about someone when you don’t take time to think about what matters to them.

    Sometimes you can make deposits even when you imperfectly do something.  My husband gave me a lovely fleece scarf recently.  I love it!  But what I love most about it is that he tried to find a color and pattern that he thought I would like, based on some comments I had made about other clothing I had.  Even though the colors weren’t quite what I would have chosen, it was very different than what he would have gotten in the past, and it was obvious that he cared enough to think about my preferences.  Knowing that he made the purchase based on that was a deposit for me, and I feel loved everytime I put on the scarf to go out!

    Avivah

  • Unpacking from shopping trip and trip to spy museum

    Today we had our first real snow of the season!  I’m so glad that the snow held off for me to do my monthly shopping yesterday!  I always buy a lot but some trips are really big trips and this one was one of those.  I got a bunch of staples: 100 lb wheat berries, 100 lb spelt berries, 50 lb cornmeal, 50 lb rolled oats, 30 lb quinoa, 30 lb raisins, 50 lb onions, 50 lb potatoes, 30 lb yams, 2 flats canned cherries (12 cans in a flat), 2 flats canned peaches (29 oz cans), 1 flat 28 oz cans tomatoes, 2 flats (reg. size) organic tomatoes, 2 flats baby dill pickles, 2 flats regular pickles, 1 case whole wheat linguine (20 boxes), 12 gallons raw milk, 30 dozen free range eggs (these are visibly so much better than supermarket eggs – last month I didn’t get them and dh was really glad to see them again!), 3 #10 cans of spaghetti sauce, 4 containers plain yogurt, 4 28 oz cans pumpkin, ten 1.5 lb containers cottage cheese, 10 lb carrots, 12 lb. frozen mixed vegetables, and 4-5 lb boxes of clementines.  There’s probably more but I don’t want to go get my receipts and look through them, but that’s the gist of it. 

    Then there are the things that I usually wouldn’t buy much of but am getting in preparation for my trip to Israel.  The kids aren’t thrilled that I’ll be gone and were even less thrilled when dh made a comment about making oatmeal for breakfast every day.  🙂  I told them that I’d leave special foods for them to enjoy in my absence, they got much more cheerful about me going away!  Most of these foods I’d rarely buy, but my priority is to make it as easy as possible for whoever is staying with the kids to put together simple meals that they’ll enjoy, and for it to be something special for the kids.  So I got 6 packages of hash browns (20 patties per case), frozen french fries (maybe 10 bags?  I told ds11 to get the amount he felt would be good), 20 packages whole wheat tortillas, 1 case corn tortillas (the kids used to hate these but recently discovered when they’re crisped in butter that they’re very tasty), 8 (?) pkg. bagels, 10 boxes cold cereal, 2 big boxes of instant oatmeal (approx. 55 packages per box), and 1 case diced peaches in juice (individual serving size cans).  Oh, and ten bags of blue corn chips, and a bunch of cookies for my ds11’s Shabbos group. 

    I also got a bunch of single serving size foil tuna packets to take to dd to supplement her food situation there, which she actually told me today she’s gotten used to.  I was pleased that even with the extra expenses of the foods I wouldn’t usually buy that cost-wise it was a very reasonable shopping trip.  I’m planning to do one more big shopping trip before I go to Israel, so that everything is totally stocked up before I leave (including perishables). 

    The main challenge in buying all of this is having to unload and unpack it when we finally get home!  We didn’t get home until 8 pm, and between everyone being tired, and it being so dark and cold, we left most of the stuff to unload in the morning.  However, we had a trip to the National Cryptologic Museum scheduled for 10 am, which meant leaving by 9, and that meant we needed to start to unpack the van at 8 am!  And we all woke up later than usual (I woke up at 8:45), and it’s hard to kick into gear when you’re already really late the minute you open your eyes. 

    I was really waffling about going since I had not one shred of desire to go anywhere at that point, with the pressure I was feeling to get everyone dressed, fed, and out of the house in less than 30 minutes – and to unpack the van from all those groceries.   But I felt it wouldn’t be right not to show up for a trip when I had made a commitment and as an organizer of many trips, I know how frustrating it can be when people don’t honor their commitments.  Then I got a message that our co-op classes for the afternoon were cancelled, so that took some pressure of the day off me (since I would have had to packed lunch to take with us and gone straight from the trip to the classes, not getting home until after 4 pm).  And I decided that honoring my commitment to attend came before relaxing, so I got into gear!  It really was a push to get everyone ready and everything done, but I put the focus on keeping it pleasant, and we managed to get there right on time with everyone still in a good mood! 

    Strangely, we didn’t see anyone else there.  Before I had a chance to wonder about that, we were told that the docent for our trip had been called away for an emergency, and that our trip had been officially cancelled ten minutes before I got there.  Sometimes you have to laugh at the irony of situations – I made this massive effort not to let down the group but then there was no group to let down!  LOL!  (A message was emailed to everyone but it was sent after 9 am so too late for us to get it, and in any case, there was not an extra minute for me to check emails.)   As frustrating as this could have been, I really wasn’t bothered since it was obviously meant for us to go to the museum and not to get the message in time.

    The kids had a great time.  They’ve become wary when I say we’re going to a museum since, well, some haven’t been the most interesting of our trips.  This was very interesting and the kids were engaged by a scavenger hunt with lots of decoding involved.  They were given some nice activity books, pencils, a decoding tool, and each of the older four earned a prize for completing the scavenger hunt, a challenging puzzle kind of game.  They said they’d like to go back another time for a guided tour since there was so much to learn about that they couldn’t get in this first visit.  Maybe if the trip organizer reschedules we’ll particpate in that next time!

    I was surprised to see it snowing when I looked out the front door of the museum after an hour and a half, so I quickly bundled up the kids and headed home.  It’s been very cold lately and I wanted to get home while the roads were in good condition.  We made it home just fine and then the kids played outside for a while until we had lunch.  Then we unpacked some more groceries – breaking up the unpacking into smaller chunks of work has made it seem less like intimidating than usual! 

    I still have the last part of unpacking to do – putting the bulk supplies in the buckets.  It’s not hard but it takes a solid chunk of time and organizing (finding enough empty buckets, lining them, labeling them, reorganizing the space they’re in), and I’m grateful that my ds17 used to do this for us!  The kids can help with this but other than dd14, none of them are able to logistically handle what’s involved independent of me.  I asked my dh if he would take care of this tomorrow, and he agreed, which is a big thing that I now know will be done well and not need my involvement! 

    I know that this may seem like a lot of work – but part of that is because my shopping for the month is concentrated into one day instead of many smaller shopping trips.  I feel it’s worth it for the money that we save, the convenience of having what we need when we need it, and virtually always being able to purchase the foods we use at sale prices.

    So now our house is well-stocked with food, and our children are well-stocked energy-wise with the experience of an enjoyable outing, and if the weather dictates that we cozy up inside for a few days, we’re ready!

    Avivah

  • Claiming the lead role with children

    I’ve been really busy lately but I haven’t forgotten I have a blog!  Here’s a post I wrote a month ago but didn’t get around to putting up.  I think it’s an important message, and an example of how the little adjustments we make as parents can be very powerful. 

    Tonight my ds4 came over to hug me when I was sitting at the computer.  As soon as I felt his arms start to go around my waist, I stopped what I was doing and gave him a huge hug.  And then gave him a few silly hugs and tickles with a lot of enthusiasm.

    When a child comes looking for a parent’s time or affection, they’re telling you they need something.  When a child expresses the need for your love in whatever form, try to give it to them right then if you can.  It doesn’t have to take more than a minute or two, but try to make yourself available and be responsive when they approach you. 

    However, there’s a way to maximize the love that a child feels when you respond to him.  Let’s say a child asks you for something to eat and you give it to him pleasantly.  (This is assuming that you feel that him eating something at that moment is a good idea.)  That’s nice, right?  But once he’s asking, he’s already initiated and you are only responding, which puts you in the passive role.  While it is much more powerful for your child when you are the one who initiates the love interaction, you can supercharge an interaction that your child has initiated by giving them more than what they are asking for.  This restores you to the position of leader in the interaction, which is important in building a child’s feeling of security with you. 

    When the child feels like he’s getting more than he was asking for and you have claimed your power as a parent to lead, it leaves him feeling very loved and secure.  As a parent, you want to be the one constantly initiating the love interactions between you and your child.  A critical part of being the authority in your home is what I refer to in my classes as being the leader – learn to take the lead in your relationship with your children, even in interactions that your children initiate.

    Avivah

  • Maintaining sanity on tough days

    >>What do homeschooling parents do when their child or children drive them crazy alot of the time? I don’t want to send my son to school just to give myself a break–but I’m interested to hear suggestions of how other parents give themselves a break within an hsing framework.<<

    Some of us have perfectly behaved children so we don’t have to deal with this issue – LOL!

    Seriously, this question is one that I think lots of mothers can relate to, whether homeschooling or not.  For me this is an issue that has become much less of an issue over the years – maybe partially because I don’t have negative judgement of myself or my kids when some days are harder than others, and partially because we’re used to being around each other and enjoy each other for the most part.  If I see someone is having a hard time (and this includes me), I try to see where it’s coming from, and address the source. 

    For example, an overtired child will be sent to take a nap, or go to sleep early, and I’ll remind myself that the behavior I’m seeing is because of exhaustion.  Sometimes I get busy with all that needs to be done and don’t take enough time to really connect with them at a heart level, and it shows up in what looks like misbehavior.  If our schedule is too busy and overscheduled, then it means pulling back and assessing what is adding value and what isn’t, and making appropriate changes.  It just depends on what is going on, and addressing the root issue vs the symptom is what has worked for me.

    Since I now have older kids around, I can physically take a break if I need to, which  obviously won’t be a helpful suggestion for a mom with much younger kids.:)  I’ve shared several times here that I think that a daily rest time can be helpful, and this is something I did this until our oldest was 10 or so. They didn’t have to sleep, but they had to be quiet – reading, listening to a cassette, etc – and they had to stay in their room – for an hour.  This gave me a chance to have a breather, and this daily recharging kept me going even during the less pleasant days (and we all have them).  

    When a mom is feeling positive and relaxed, she transmits that and the kids tend to be lots more enjoyable to be around in that case.  It’s usually when we’re tired, tense, burnt out, or overwhelmed in general that our kids seem to be the most challenging, and it’s not coincidental!  Our children are super attuned to our emotions and pick up on signals we sometimes don’t even realize we’re projecting!  For that reason, I feel that self-care is a critical part of being able to maintain your emotional equilibrium and be the kind of parent you want to be. 

    Also, it was very helpful when I respected my needs as a parent and clarified for my children what acceptable standards of behavior in our home were. When I did this and consistently gave this same message, supporting my words with action, things became much more enjoyable as I didn’t feel myself getting tense about lots of annoying things – if it really bugged me, I dealt with it right away, and made it clear the actions were off limits, even if it wouldn’t bother other moms – and for the most part, the kids stopped doing it (after learning that there would be decisive action if they did).

    Here are some starter questions you can ask yourself.  Do you expect too much of your child?  Do you expect too much of yourself?  Is this behavior normal for a child his/her age?  Are you dealing with a lot outside of the homeschooling arena that is affecting your energy?  Everyone will have different answers, but clarifying your answers will help you find the the best solution for you.

    Avivah

  • A birthday suprise for dd

    Today was my wonderful oldest daughter’s sixteenth birthday!  When I think back on the morning she was gone, it doesn’t seem like that long ago at all. 

    Since we usually have nice family celebrations for each person in our family and we obviously can’t do that with her so far away, I wanted her to know from the very start of the day how much we were thinking of her.  So I stayed up until after midnight to make the call (there’s a seven hour difference in time zones), and she had just woken up a few minutes before I called so the timing worked out perfectly!   My husband called her from work later on in the morning, and then all the other kids and I called her back in the early afternoon (night for her) and all together sang a very vigorous rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ to her.  So she got calls throughout the day.

    I mentioned last week that I was chagrined that despite my efforts, none of our cards or gifts were going to reach dd in time for her birthday.  Then a few days ago, I decided to give her a special birthday surprise that I could be assured would reach her on time!

    Since dd left to study in Israel in September, I’ve had a vague wishful kind of feeling about wanting to go and visit her.  Last week, I had a sudden bolt of determination to stop being wishful and start taking action towards that goal.  My motivation came not from the desire to take a long trip involving lots of complicated childcare arrangements and expenses that fall well outside of our usual budget, but from the rock solid knowledge that this would be a powerful deposit in dd’s emotional bank account, and with her being away for an extended time, now is a particularly important time to make a deposit like that. 

    As kids get older, they don’t need us any less.  A common mistake I see is that parents step back at times that they need to step forward, thinking that their children need independence and to spread their wings, convinced that their input as parents isn’t that critical any more.  This is so backward.  The relationship you have with your child should be the most important thing that they have (until they get married), and if it isn’t, it’s your job as a parent to invest in it. Even if you have a strong relationship, relationships require ongoing care and investment.  You can’t coast on last year’s relationship and think it will be as good as when you were really making active efforts to build the connection with your child. 

    So for me, this trip is about being congruent with my deepest convictions about what parenting is about.  And I decided to commit to making this trip in two months, and trust that I will be sent all that I need for it to happen in that time frame.    It’s going to be really interesting watching how it all plays out!

    Even though I made the decision last week, contacted the head of her program, etc, I waited until this morning to tell her so it would be a special announcement for her birthday.  She was so surprised and happy when I told her I’d be coming, and I went to sleep after our call so glad that I made this decision. 

    I was torn about wanting to surprise her – part of me wanted to show up at her dorm without giving her a clue that anything was in the works.  But dh and dd14 both said they thought it would be better to tell her, and I agreed.  I think then looking forward to the visit becomes part of the experience for her, rather than the brief trip itself.  Dd16 at first said she wished I would have surprised her, but by the time she spoke to dd14 later in the day, she changed her mind and said she’s really glad that we told her!  I’m so, so looking forward to spending time with her.

    Avivah