Today I made the unusual decision to delete a post. A couple of days ago I shared something that disturbed a number of people. While I feel the interview I shared was of value, it seems that most of the readers didn’t listen to the interview and instead based their responses on my summary of the interview, and assumed the summary statements to be my personal position.
Thank you all for your responses, here and via private emails.
As I consider your feedback, I can see that I made a mistake in not bridging the information prior to sharing it. That gap was then filled with inaccurate assumptions about my position on our current health situation. In rereading what I wrote, I can see how it could be taken differently than intended. I didn’t delete this to appease anyone, or because I was asked to do so. I’ve deleted it because I take responsibility for being misunderstood, for not adequately communicating a background/personal understanding that would give you an idea of why I shared what I did, so you could differentiate between my opinion and the political decisions made by the district being written about.
I do want to say one thing. If you’ve been reading here, you know that for years I’ve shared about health – physical, emotional, relational, spiritual. The well-being of others is deeply important to me. Please ask yourself if it would make sense to you or be consistent with who I am, that I would make light of or disregard the physical suffering that anyone has experienced. It is painful for me to know that people interpreted what I wrote in that way.
This week all of our married children will be joining us for Shabbos as we celebrate the aufruf of our son, who is getting married next week. You can imagine that I have things to do, and things I would rather be writing about, than this!
I’m sharing now because I want to clear the proverbial slate, not to win back readers, since this won’t make a difference to those who have left and whatever impression was made will remain, whether that is accurate or not. Knowing how emotional a topic this is, I should have been more careful about how I shared and taken significantly more time to build a foundation so that my intentions were more easily understood.
It was a blog reader from South America who first contacted me to let me know my site had become inaccessible last week. From there, it quickly became apparent that my site was being blocked worldwide due to the content of my previous post.
The thought of losing thousands of posts written over the last fifteen years was very painful. And yet when my husband commented, “You’re taking this very well,” he was right. For many months I have repeatedly asked myself if I was demonstrating a lack of integrity by keeping silent on an issue that was so opposed to my value system (widespread media censorship and government coercion). There was a relief in finally saying my truth, and when I paid the price by having my site shut down – and it looked as if I might not be able to get it back – having acted in integrity with my values was a real comfort. Having said that, I’m so relieved to have been able to retrieve it.
Last night I left my computer open and while I was sleeping my 22 year old son read my blog for the first time (with the exception of my oldest daughter, my kids don’t read my blog). He spent hours reading through through years of posts, and first thing this morning told me how deeply touching it was to read about so many of our family experiences. This blog is a part of our family history and it would have been a huge loss to have not been able to retrieve it. (We intend to hire someone to back it up so even if I’m blocked again, I’ll still have my content.)
To the person who reported my post (and it seems clear to everyone I spoke to about this that my post wouldn’t have triggered censorship if it hadn’t been tagged specifically), while I’m saddened at what happened, I understand that what I wrote felt threatening to you, and I send you much compassion along with my blessing for you to feel safe in the world. It’s unfortunate when people think that by turning in others for ‘violations’ or simply differences of opinion that they are making the world a better place.
Additionally, I’m grateful to you. You gave me the opportunity to face something that I was afraid of and to see that I don’t have to be afraid and stay in the shadows, and as a result I feel calmer and more secure. I believe that everything that happens is for our best and in this case, you’ve helped me in a way that active supporters couldn’t.
I’m glad to be back and now on to other things.
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A week ago the spring break for yeshivos began and my home suddenly filled with lots of male energy! It’s just me, my hubs and my seven boys. I love it!
It’s been a year since moving to Yavneel, and it’s been so great living in a place with a strong outdoor culture.
We had so many hesitations about making this move, particularly regarding our children. When we bought our home in September 2019, we had no idea that covid would happen or that we would move here on the first day of the most intense lockdown that Israel has experienced. Now hardly two days go by without my husband or me saying aloud how amazing it is that we moved when we did, and our children often tell me how happy they are here.
It’s not that we moved to a perfect place where everything is just as we want it, but we are living in a way that feels more aligned with the life we want. More quiet, more space, more outdoor time. Much more outdoor time. When the weather is pleasant, we spend most of the day outside!
View from my front yard
I really appreciate the quieter, slower pace of life, and the increased access to nature. To have experienced such a huge quality of life upgrade at a time of so much worldwide external stress was an incredible gift. Being here has been incredibly beneficial for us maintaining a positive and centered core at a time of challenge. We recently had some young men for a Shabbos meal, and one said he’s been hosted by many families over recent months and we’re the only ones who aren’t stressed about all that is going on.
There’s something centering and calming about being surrounded by the sights of nature. A friend who moved here a little after we did commented that she thinks everyone would benefit from the healing that happens when living in a place like this.
I also deeply appreciate the opportunities living here has created for our boys. Friends of my fifteen year old wanted to plan a group trip last week and he told them he’s not interested in joining: “I live in a vacation spot and I do hikes and trips whenever I want.” This, from a boy who prior to moving here always wanted to get out and be with friends.
There’s the daily outdoor time, lots of biking and hiking and just being. As I’m sitting here writing this on Thursday night, my 11, 13 and 15 year olds just asked me if they could take a nighttime hike to a local spring. I agreed, after cautioning them to wear their headlamps since one Friday night ds15 went with a friend – they obviously had no lights since it was Shabbos – and were chased by a pack of hyenas. So I’d like to avoid that kind of adrenaline rush this time. 🙂
Ds15 and ds13, triumphant after removing the tusks from the carcass of a wild boar that they found when hiking. Making memories with brotherly bonding.
The older boys (13, 15, 18, 22) did a long bike trip to the Jordan River during the last vacation, and this week ds13 and ds15 went with friends on a strenuous hike around the Sea of Galilee. They hiked 40 kilometers the first day, carrying all their water for the day with them. Later that evening my husband drove 45 minutes to meet them with a water refill and more food – they got really hungry with all that exercise! – and camped out with them for the night. They cut the trip from the intended three days to two since the fatigue was pretty intense, but it was still a good trip.
After working on getting my agreement for quite some time, my thirteen year old just purchased a bunch of two week old chicks and finished building a large coop for them. (He no longer has quail.) He really wanted me to agree to a cow so we could have our own milk and then negotiated down to sheep (he was hoping a neighbor with a large plot of land would agree to lease to us), but I’m not ready for the investment of fencing and animal housing on someone else’s property.
He also initiated learning with a local shochet, and is almost finished learning shechita. He’s considering doing an advanced course that is quite expensive that would qualify him to do nikur (removing the gid hanashe/ sciatic nerve), something that no one locally is trained in and pays well, even for someone his age. We’re continuing to discuss that. I’m not sure how I feel about him working in the field at this point, as competent and responsible as he is. Ds11, ds13 and ds15 have all had several opportunities to participate in skinning and kashering poultry and goat meat; there’s been a lot of hands-on learning.
Ds15 and ds13 both have been learning safrus; ds15 wasn’t able to complete the course since he went back to school (he’s had eight weeks of in-person classes this year), but ds13 is getting close to the end. He’s learned that it’s not something he enjoys very much (no surprise to me) but I value learning of all sorts and this has been a great opportunity. (That’s not an outdoor activity so it doesn’t really belong here but it’s part of the learning they’re doing since moving.)
Locally there’s a strong agricultural leaning so they see others raising animals and have had hands on experience with the animals of others, and it’s understandable why they want to have some, too! Ds11 really wants a milk goat but I put my foot down on that despite repeated importuning, and he got two rabbits instead. I keep reminding them we just don’t have space! I suggested he choose something small that has some practical benefit (the used bedding goes on the garden beds); though he takes good care of them, I can see that it’s not very satisfying for him.
To make a very good thing much better, six weeks ago my oldest daughter moved here with her family! I never dared hope that one of our children would choose to live close by. Having so much more time to spend with them has been wonderful! Covid has blessed me; if not for the changes in lifestyle that regulations have created, they would still be living in the previously very desirable Jerusalem neighborhood they were in. They moved from a city apartment with no balcony or outdoor space to a house with a garden, and now she finds that most of their time is spent outside, too.
Ds11 and ds13, helping their niece bottle-feed a two day old lamb
Notice that there’s been no mention of Pesach preparations, but I did do some shopping this week. They’ve had lots of trip time this week; next week we’re going to all work together intensely and do a Pesach cleaning marathon!
I’m writing this as I sit on the balcony overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, the sound of waves filling the air, the palm trees along the promenade swaying in the breeze and the new moon shining down on the water.
I’m here because of a question I asked myself several months ago.
I periodically ask myself life direction/mission statement kind of questions, to help me clarify the path I want to go on and the person I want to be. Life is busy and there’s always someone who needs something or something that needs to be done, and it can be hard to keep a long term perspective in the short term living.
My family has been a huge part of my mission statement work over the years, and I ask myself questions about the mother I want to be, the family I want to raise, the qualities that are important to me to nurture in our children, and other stuff along those lines.
Asking (and answering!) these questions really matters. It’s not just an intellectual exercise. When I get clarity about what’s important to me, those things then take priority and I can put energy towards them. Sometimes that energy is physical, sometimes it remains at the level of thought.
Back in January, I asked myself the following question: what would make me feel abundant? One answer that immediately came zooming out of my pen was, a week long vacation with my family. This thought about an extended vacation had been percolating since the summer, and putting it on paper pushed it up to a higher level of consciousness.
We were really busy in March and April with holiday preparations, a new grandchild, bar mitzva preparations and home renovations. This was the perfect time to get away to decompress and recharge together as a family.
That’s us down below! We had the beach mostly to ourselves – the benefit of taking a trip to the beach when others aren’t .
And so here we are at the beach for a week! All of our kids weren’t here – ds16 decided not to come, dd18 came for the first two days, ds13 came for the first four days – and our oldest daughter came the first full day we were here with her five week old baby to enjoy some time together.
Digging a massive moat – no wimpy plastic shovels for us – we packed a full size metal garden spade to take along!
Ds2, happy to be at the beach as long as he was far from the water. After four days, it was a huge success when he agreed to be held by me as I walked along the water’s edge.
Ds6 and ds9 hugging each other against the surf seconds before unexpectedly being knocked down by a powerful wave.
You know what kids want from us? Our time and presence. Me with the boys waiting for the waves to wash over us.
My husband was able to join us after a couple of days, so it’s mostly been the two of us with the five younger boys. For Shabbos it will be just us with the youngest four boys.
It has been so, so wonderful! My oldest son asked me if as a mother it’s still a vacation for me. I hesitated before responding. It’s a lot of work going away with children, but I’m enjoying our time together, especially in a place that is so beautiful.
It’s true that I would spend my time differently if I were here on my own. I would spend almost all day at the beach if it were just me, watching the waves, breathing deeply, thinking, reading, writing, walking…..
But being busy with the kids doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself. I absolutely am, and am so glad to have this opportunity.
Knowing that I start to feel resentful when I put a lot of energy towards meeting the needs of others and ignoring my own desires, I’ve been very conscious of making time to spend in a way that feels ideal for me. So far, that has meant going out to the beach in the early morning, shoes in hand, walking along the water of the shoreline.
That’s honestly blissful for me. I just love it. There’s something that happens inside, a quietness and calm that fills me without any effort on my part – it’s something I love, that deep and powerful energy of being in nature.
It’s amazing what we can create in our lives when we ask ourselves good questions!
You know back in the summer, when I told you our family had undertaken a big renovation project that involved knocking down two walls and switching the locations of a bedroom and kitchen?
There’s a reason I never showed you the final pictures. Because I never completely finished this project.
It was a very ambitious project and it became incredibly draining and overwhelming when I ended up with much less help than I anticipated. My backup plan had been to hire a handyman who was doing other work for us to finish whatever wasn’t done within three weeks, which I told him from the start and he agreed to. I knew starting out that I absolutely did not want a project that dragged on and on.
So starting off, I thought I had all the bases covered – a good schedule for work to be done and a good exit plan.
However, that didn’t work out either – we just couldn’t get the guy to come more than once every week or two for a very short period, even with repeated reminders and advance scheduling. He’s busy, and honestly, it’s not any more fun for him than for me to do all the smaller finishing stuff.
So it became obvious that the project would need to be completed by me. The details of what needed to be done seemed never ending, and it was mentally wearing to always have more to do.
Most of it was done. But not the final touches that make a project look done.
I was so utterly maxxed out by this project that I took a huge break from giving workshops, dramatically cut down on private sessions with clients, and from anything extra, actually. I was the definition of overextended and burnt out.
I went waaaay past my limitations for an extended period in a way that I hadn’t done for years.
As a result, I needed to consciously fill myself up after that extreme period of depletion. In large part that meant has been leaving a lot of margin in my schedule so that every moment wasn’t filled with potential activities and tasks. In trying to do this, I recognized how very full my regular life is without any extra projects!
After a very long break, I finally have some mental head space to get this finished now! It’s also vacation for my twenty year old son, who is always willing to help out as much as he can when he’s home. So things are starting to get done.
Last week I had new counters and sinks installed. This week I the faucets installed and last night I began tiling the backslash in the kitchen. A glass cabinet door cracked and I hope this morning they’ll be ready to be picked up from the glass repair place and then reinstalled. (I took them there three weeks ago!)
(Maybe one day I’ll write a post about the countertops we built and installed that ended up not being frugal at all. That’s what we had until now.)
Someone came by last night and I apologized for the mess in the kitchen. He said that’s what everyone’s kitchen looks like now! I think mine is more than usual, with the wall in the process of being tiled, dishes that couldn’t be washed (since the tile glue has to set and can’t be gotten wet) piled in the sink, the counter covered with pieces of newspaper for protection, a container of contact cement on the floor, pieces of cut laminate on another counter, tiles and the tile cutter piled on the floor…
Not to mention the mess of cleaning for Pesach – we’re at that stage when each room is getting cleaner but all the stuff people don’t want or need is getting moved out and some of that is in the living room. I don’t like visual clutter and there’s lot of it right now.
BUT——–
It’s getting done! And for the first time in a long, long time, I have some energy for this project and am enjoying doing it.
In response to a reader question about bar mitzva costs, I’ll be sharing that with you in the coming week after we wrap up the celebrations here.
For now, we’re looking forward to hosting our entire immediate family for this Shabbos. My son will be reading the Torah on Shabbos morning at KSY, followd by a kiddush – for those in the area, please consider yourself invited – I would love to see you there!
This morning, our son and his wife had a gorgeous baby girl!
When I told our nine and ten year old sons that the baby had been born, they excitedly asked, “A boy or a girl?” When I said a girl, they both had a similar look of disbelief and said, “A girl??” As if, how did that happen?!?
That’s what happens when you are one of six boys in a row, it kind of skews your perspective. 🙂
I look forward to meeting her in person hopefully tomorrow.
I’m telling you, our kids grow up SO fast! And along with them, so do we. Me, a grandmother? I’ll need some time to mentally adjust to that!
We had a visitor recently who works in special ed in the US. She was going crazy over ds4 – she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him in shul on Simchas Torah- and later on she couldn’t stop talking about how ‘special’ he was.
‘Special’ is a word that I don’t particularly care for so I asked her what she meant. She seemed taken aback – ‘you can’t see that he’s special?” “All my kids are special,” I responded. “What’s special about Yirmi?”
She told me she works with many kids with Trisomy 21 of different ages and he’s not typical of kids with that diagnosis. She said he acts like a typical kid, he’s so ‘with it’ and ‘so smart’. Okay, that kind of special I can agree with. 🙂
Well, that launched a long talk (monologue? :)) on my opinion about why Yirmi is the way he is and why inclusion is critical and why special ed is not so special and how at least 80% of kids with T21 could be doing just as well or better than him if they had proper support. She was fascinated by my perspective. But she apparently had never met a parent with my outlook, because she asked me a few times in disbelief, “You really believe that how he is being raised made the difference? And you don’t think he would be better off in special ed with professionals?”
Yes, I know that how a child is raised affects his brain development. Yes, our home environment is critical to supporting his development. No, I don’t think we’re remarkable or have done anything that couldn’t easily be replicated by others. No, I don’t think he would be better off in a special ed setting. I don’t think anyone is better off in a special ed setting than with appropriate and well-mediated inclusion.
Yirmi is being raised in a family where he’s one of the gang. He’s expected to act appropriately, to express himself, to be helpful and kind – the same as we expect of any of our children. We assume he will develop on his own timeline and while we give him support and encouragement, we don’t pressure him – just like our other kids. Being treated like everyone else is really important and I think this is a huge factor in how well Yirmi is doing.
Everyone wants to belong. Everyone wants to be part of. No one wants to be ‘special’. I firmly believe that the more we treat others with compassion, acceptance, appreciation and inclusion, the better the outcome is for all of us. Not only does each individual child flourish in that environment, it makes the world a much kinder, gentler and more beautiful world to live in – for all of us.
Thank you to those of you who shared your feedback in response to my request. It was helpful to me to read what was written and to see what wasn’t written! This has prompted some thinking about how I’m using my time and how to offer maximum value to my readers.
Sometimes I wonder if what I’m writing is of help or not. I share about what’s on my mind but I don’t know if that’s what you want to hear about! Hearing what you appreciate and what has been of help to you is so valuable to me. Your responses also show me that my efforts are appreciated – it’s truly your feedback that keeps me blogging when I’m pressed to do so many other things.
If you’d like to leave feedback and haven’t yet had the chance, it’s not too late! I’m always happy to have an idea of who is reading and what brings someone here and keeps them reading.
It’s hard for me to believe that nine years ago today I began this blog!
The blogosphere has changed dramatically and many blogs have come and gone during this time. Some say that people aren’t interested in reading blogs anymore but the number of you reading keeps me writing!
I have a surprisingly varied readership and yet somehow you’re all reading here together! As I begin a new year of blogging I would love your feedback as to what topics are of most interest and value to you.
Please take a few minutes to share with me your thoughts on the following
– Has reading this blog affected you and if so, in what way?
– What topics do you find of most value? Why?
– What topics would you like to see more of?
– (Any other comments or thoughts are also welcome!)
Hearing what the impact of this blog has been on you and what you want to read more of will help me focus the time I set aside for blogging so it will be of maximum value to you all. If you’d like to have a say in the direction of this blog, please crawl out of the anonymity of the computer screen and share your thoughts with me in the comments section below!
Thanks for a wonderful nine years and I look forward to another great year to come!
People have asked how we’re settling in to our new home in Ramat Beit Shemesh, so here’s the update!
Right now I’m feeling uncomfortable and unsettled. It’s normal to be uncomfortable and unsettled after you move! I’m giving myself a year to get acclimated. Of course it would be wonderful if the kids all had friends and I had friends and I knew where to go for whatever I needed as well as how to get there. But for now I don’t and it’s okay for it to take time.
Life is busy and while I appreciate any and all efforts to welcome us, I know that I can’t expect those who are already here to reach out to me. I need to be proactive and reach out to others. I was sick for the last couple of weeks and had very, very little energy but now that I’m feeling better I’m thinking about how to best do that.
Despite the short term discomforts of moving, everyone is happy we moved here! We love our new apartment, my husband and older boys quickly found a shul that they’re comfortable at, there’s a weekly homeschool meetup that we’re participating in and I love that it’s so much easier for our older kids to get home to spend Shabbos with us with their travel time being drastically cut down!
I could go on at length about the challenges of moving and I could also go on at length about the things that I love about being here, but instead I’ll say that while it will take time until I’m fully settled in, I can see that there’s a lot of potential for connection and contribution here.
A few weeks ago someone called me and asked, “Why is it that bad things happen to amazing people?”
I told her, people become amazing over the course of time and it’s the tragedy or difficulties that reveal the shining diamonds they are.
This has been something I’ve thought about for the last 18 days, as in every report of the parents of the three kidnapped teens I’ve been struck by how special each family is.
Every single boy that was kidnapped – a gem. Smart, caring, responsible, gifted: youth counselors, musicians, composers, bakers. Each one of a large family raised with boundless love and strong Torah values.
Eyal Yifrach , a nineteen year old songwriter and guitarist, June 10 a few days before his kidnapping sings one of his original compositions with a friend (Eyal is in the white t-shirt). He commented right before they sang that he looked forward to singing this in the near future at this friend’s wedding. I put this on my playlist and have listened to it often, praying all the time for his safe return along with the other two boys.
Here’s Eyal singing another original composition that he wrote in honor of his cousin’s wedding and performed for her then. This was two months before the kidnapping. My sister commented on the strong resemblance between Eyal and one of my sons. Yes, I also noticed it right away.
And then their parents… These parents…the faith and strength they have displayed has been amazing. They have spoken of trust in God, in the strength of the Jewish people and with the full belief that their sons will return home, healthy and safe. Every single parent has inspired us all.
Last night between 85,000 – 100,000 people came together in Tel Aviv, people from across the religious spectrum – to pray for the safe return of our boys. The kind of event that the families wanted, that their sons would have wanted. A gathering of solidarity and unity. That’s how the people of Israel feel – they are ours.
I read the reports today of the Tel Aviv gathering, thinking how the Jewish people coming together in this way, setting aside politics, is bringing completion and wholeness to the world. We so desperately need unity, and these last 18 days have brought our tiny little country together.
So many prayers, so many tears, so many good deeds done as a merit for the safe return of our boys… And now they’ve been found. Truly.
My first reaction was one of delight and disbelief – found, so soon after the gathering! God has heard our prayers!
And then I saw the next line of the message…and I burst into bitter sobs. No, no, no!! Not this, it can’t be. It must be a false report, false rumors…I wouldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it.
It was true. It is true. This afternoon our boys were found murdered, buried together in a shallow grave in a field near an Arab village.
It is believed that they were shot shortly after their abduction, with the intent to exchange their bodies for the release of Arab terrorists.
Below, the windows of the army ambulance Humvee transporting the bodies of our slain boys are smashed, stoned by Arabs as they are returned home for burial.
I have no words… what I’m feeling threatens to overwhelm me. I think that most of us are feeling something very similar tonight. Deep, deep sadness, followed by horror, rage, fury – these are some of the emotions racing through us all.
I have no wisdom…I know that our prayers were not in vain, that the merits of all the good deeds performed have been gathered and are being saved for our nation, while simultaneously accompanying our boys on their journey in the next world. But the pain, the gut-wrenching pain…
Our boys…now sitting in the highest Heavenly spheres.
left to right: Naftali Frenkel (16), Gil-ad Sha’ar(16), Eyal Yifrach (19)
I asked you to say tehillim/psalms for the boys with the hope they would be found. Please join in the saying of tehillim for them now, as a continued merit for their souls. You can participate online here.
May their memories be a blessing, may we continue to hold on to the incredible feelings of unity that we had these past 18 days and may God avenge their blood.Please pray for the parents of the boys, and for the siblings that each leaves behind (Eyal was the oldest of 7, Naftali and Gil-ad both the second of 7), that they find whatever they need inside themselves to cope with this horror.
