Many moms have a hard time thinking of the right consequence for misbehavior, and I also had a hard time with this for for a long time. Finally I changed the way I looked at it and thought about my goal. My goal is to teach my kids to act appropriately and to control themselves, not to worry so much about my exact response. I used to spend too much time trying to make the punishment fit the crime, so to speak. So now I don’t think about matching consequences to behavior; I think about what will help me teach them to do the right thing the next time the situation comes up. It might sound like it’s just semantics, but it’s actually a subtle but important shift in perspective.

Something that I do alot is have the child repeat the behavior I want to see a number of times. I do it a number of times because one time doesn’t make an impression in the brain, but several times does. And it makes a conscious impression on them. Also, they change their own mood when they do this, because after a few minutes of this, they are all smiling and feeling cheerful since they start to feel silly. Eg: child slams door – go open and close door gently ten times; child raises voice – they need to repeat what they wanted to say in a respectful tone several times; child jumps on couch – they practice standing up and sitting down a number of times. I like this because I can clearly tell them it’s not about punishing them, it’s about helping them learn the right kind of behavior, and it resonates with them that it’s really what I am doing. They also don’t like having to do things so many times, so it’s a natural deterrent. For a child who hits sibling, I have a slightly different approach; I want them to actively do something to make the situation better – sometimes they have to play whatever the child they hurt wants to do for the period of time I set (usually 30 min, though a couple of times for my oldest I have made it one hour). Within a short time of playing together, both parties are feeling good about each other again.

In all of these situations, I also take responsibility for not being close enough by to cut it short before it escalated. I don’t expect any parent to be around for every minute and catch every possible situation, but I know that when I stay close by, not much happens because I nip it in the bud. Also, older kids can be given a lot more leeway (assuming that you can trust them to act appropriately with one another when you’re not around) than a young child. The younger a child is, the closer to me I try to keep them. The younger kids aren’t usually allowed to play in a room out of my sight, because I know that young children need the constant guidance and instruction on how to act. When they don’t have your guidance, that’s when problems occur!

edit – I realized after posting that what is older for one family isn’t the same for another, and this could lead to some confusion. When I said older kids get more leeway, I mean ages ten and above, maybe 8 for a super well behaved child, can be given more space. A four year old really needs to be in the same room as you all the time.

Avivah