Tonight I was wondering about what seems to be a commonly held belief, that temper tantrums are an inevitable and integral part of a young child’s life. This isn’t how I view it at all, and isn’t representative of my personal experience as a parent. So I turned to my expert panel for thoughts on this, my kids. 🙂
At dinner tonight, I asked them how they define temper tantrums, and what they think the cause of them is. They defined tantrums pretty much the way I think most of us would (emotionally and physically escalating to an extreme level to express unhappiness). Their comments on where they think tantrums stem from was quite interesting for me to hear, since this isn’t something we’ve ever discussed.
One child said that he thinks parents let their kids get whatever they want, and then since the child isn’t used to hearing “no”, he reacts with a tantrum when something doesn’t go his way. Another added that she’s seen children who get into the habit of throwing tantrums to get what they want, because their parents don’t respond strongly the first time there’s a tantrum and don’t give a strong message even after the first time. Another comment was that children aren’t taught when they are young how to act and what is acceptable. They also noticed that some kids will act up in public and thought it might be because parents feel too embarrassed to respond to it the way they would at home.
Though I don’t think things are as black and white as my kids, I do agree with a lot of what they said. Part of the issue that wasn’t mentioned, in my opinion, is parental ambivalence that is projected to a child. Because so many parents believe that tantrums are a normal way for a young child to react, they don’t consider that there is anything wrong with it. Yes, they may feel annoyed and irritated, but think it’s a child’s natural reaction to have a tantrum in certain situations (eg, exhaustion, sickness, and one I especially frequently hear, when they don’t have words to express themselves). And if it’s a natural reaction, then it isn’t fair of them to expect anything else.
I think that a parent gets what he expects, in terms of behavior. I have clear expectations of what is allowed in our home, and I expect that our children will respect those standards. (I of course enforce what I expect.) Part of why we’ve never had an issue with tantrums is that I respond to an escalating situation well before it reaches a tantrum stage (eg, I would respond right away to a child saying “no” to my request, or starting to raise his voice or become impatient; those are responses that I feel need correction from the outset).
Additionally, I don’t think teaching standards begins the first time a child has a tantrum. Teaching my children to respect what I say begins at a young age. For example, our baby (who is almost one) doesn’t wiggle around when I change his diaper, and hasn’t wiggled when changed for at least two months. Why? Not because he was spanked any time he budged! Because I firmly said “no” and gently held him in place when he squirmed. This might have taken 3 – 5 times. So he learned that if he wants to check everything out and move all around, he just has to wait a minute or two until I’m finished changing him. As he gets older, he will learn more and more about how to act in various situations, and will be able to consistently anticipate my response to how he behaves.
When a child gradually gets used to listening to his parent in a wide array of situations, he learns what his parent will tolerate and what he won’t. Kids know how to push their limits, and will push those limits! They are very, very good at seeing if we really mean what we say, and they can tell that by how we respond to their actions. When your children get a clear and consistent message from you that tantrums aren’t a reasonable recourse to expressing themselves, their frequency will drastically be cut down.
Avivah
