>>Truthfully, I don’t even want a doula. I had my midwives come in at the very end of labor since that was the only time I really felt I needed them. <<
This is exactly how I am. In the last week, three people have offered to be my doula as a favor – two are massage therapists, one is a very experienced doula with a lot of other skills who is also a good friend. And I told all of them I wish I could be a person who could have a doula with her since I love the idea of it, but I like to be left alone and do best like that. When it’s time for the baby to be born, I tell my dh to get the midwife. For births no. 2, 3, 4, 6, and 7, that meant the midwife came in with just a few minutes before the baby was born. (This has a tendency to unnerve the midwives, since they see me looking relaxed and quiet throughout labor and come in expecting that labor is finally getting going, not ready for a baby to be crowning. After no. 4, the midwife, who knew me because we had been at a number of births together, joked that I couldn’t have possibly have given her less notice and in the future she would appreciate even a couple of minutes more. 🙂 ) For the last birth, the pushing took an hour instead of a minute, so in that situation, my midwife needed to be there for longer.
You would think that having been a doula myself, that I would be the first to want someone to be with me. I think having a good doula can be an amazingly huge help to the majority of women. But I think that women are individuals first and foremost, and everyone needs to be in the situation that they feel most comfortable in. Some women are very educated about and emotionally prepared for birth, and prefer to have more space to themselves, and really do best like that. Something I love about my current midwife is she has the ability to totally efface herself – she doesn’t feel like she has to do something just because she’s there. She is in tune with what a person needs and is comfortable waiting for the woman to be ready for her help, at whatever stage that might be. She can sit quietly in another room and wait or she can actively be supporting the woman by rubbing her back or whatever. That might not sound like a big deal, but in labor, many people feel like they need to actively do something to show their support for the laboring woman.
As with so many things, you have to know yourself and what your needs are, and communicate that to those who want to support you. I think the majority of women benefit from having a doula with them; I’m just too independent to be one of them!
Avivah
I loved my doula, but I agree one of the most important
characteristics for any labor attendant to have is the
ability to stand by, back off, and let things happen
without having to interfere or “manage”. I didn’t want
someone touching me, but I did appreciate her words of
encouragement.
That said, a doula is absolutely essential for a
hospital birth if the woman is to carve out a little
space (physical and emotional) in which to labor in peace.
I think they can also be very helpful for first-time birthing
moms, who don’t know what to expect and can easily become
frightened by the intensity.
I agree with you one hundred percent! A hospital birth is very different from a home birth and a doula is a critical support person for the vast majority of women. And I think most moms who have already had babies will still benefit from a doula – the bulk of births I attended were with women who had already had at least one baby.
I am debating whether to hire a doula for this time (wink wink). My midwife will bring one birth assistant and I really just need someone to hold onto while I push the baby out (I have given birth standing for the last two), oh and complain why I did not take a epidural when I am in transition 🙂
At the birth center I had the other kids at they gave you a dould that also did post partum duties as well. THAT was nice!! There is no Shifra-Puah group here (a group that makes meals or otherwise helps out with the family after birth), and there are no other shomer Shabbos families with a wife in town either, so I do worry about putting all the work on my husband (and it will be around the end of the semester (he is a professor). I have had very easy births so far, but you never know.
I’m flattered 😀
Yael, I’ve never had any outside help after birth. I’ll try to share what I’ve done to make things easier for all of us in the postpartum period when I was at your stage of things.
If you’ll have a midwife and a birth assistant, you should be able to have one of them serve as your doula. Ask them if that’s a role that they’re comfortable with – I would be surprised if they said no.
Avivah, I have a question about having the midwife stay
in the other room. Most of the midwives I’ve talked to
over the years have emphasized that *watching* the mom
labor (hopefully unobtrusively) is an important way that
they gain a sense for how the labor is progressing and
how the mom and baby are doing, without having to do a
lot of exams or monitoring. How do you feel about that?
Do you think you would be able to call the midwife in if
you felt you were having a hard time?
I’m asking, not to judge your approach, but just to
increase my own understanding.