>>How do you get your kids to bed without screaming?  My 3 and 5 year olds give me lots of excuses for getting out of bed, and the only thing that finally gets them to stay in bed is when I yell at them.  I feel horrible about this but I just don’t know what else to do.  And what makes it even worse is that it isn’t even effective long term – the next night the same thing happens. << 

Putting kids to bed can be a pleasure or a nightmare.  For the most part I’ve enjoyed bedtimes, but can remember when my kids were very little and wouldn’t stay in, no matter what I did, I thought.  I was wrong – there was plenty I could have done, but I didn’t know how to effectively go about it.  The great part about dealing with this while your kids are so young is that they can change their habits fairly quickly when they see that you mean business.

First of all, have a pleasant winding down bedtime routine.  For us this has almost always meant dinner, and then reading out loud together to everyone once they’re in pajamas.  The day is long and hectic, and they need time to emotionally transition to the slower pace of the nighttime.  It’s very hard to fall asleep when you feel revved up!  After reading, we usually sing Shema together, give hugs and kisses, and then they get in bed.  It sounds like this is the point where you’re having trouble.  You’re spent the time and energy getting them in bed and are pretty much emotionally finished, ready to have some quiet time to yourself.  So their tiny voices requesting a drink, the bathroom, the need to show you something, are far from appreciated right now!  Right?

Kids can sense parental ambivalence, and they can tell when you mean business.  They aren’t listening to you because you’re projecting ambivalence about what you really want.  You may think that if you’re screaming, you can’t possibly be ambivalent.  Right – that’s why they finally listen when you scream – it’s not the screaming but the clear message you’re giving that they’re responding to.  But think about this some more: what do you do before you start screaming?  Are you giving your kids a clear and unambiguous message right away when they start with the very first excuse to get out of bed?  Why not?  What’s going on in your head when the nighttime routine starts to unravel?  Kids crave clarity and boundaries, and you need to communicate what the boundaries for bedtime are with firmness, from a place of inner calm.    It seems to me that you’re taught your kids that until you yell, they can ignore what you say. 

If a child of mine wants a drink, I don’t mind if they get themselves water and get back into bed. But after that, that’s it.  If they ask to get out of bed, I say, “No, it’s time for sleeping now.  You can do xyz in the morning.”  If they ask again, it’s the broken record – I say the same thing in the same matter of fact, no nonsense voice.  Because they know I mean this, that usually ends it (though every so often we go through this again with the next child who needs to learn this lesson for himself, most recently ds3).  But they didn’t always know that I meant it.  What did I do to show them I meant what I said?

Important – whatever specific action you take, remember, you need to be firm but calm.   You shouldn’t be reacting to the situation, but responding.  There’s a big difference.  When we’re reacting, it’s coming from a place of irritation and anger.  A lot of times, our anger is actually coming from our frustration and feeling helpless about how to deal with a situation, and our thoughts about the situation, not from what the child is actually doing. So the first thing is to address what’s going on with you and respond from a place of inner calm.  I found it helpful to remember that I was doing it for the child’s benefit, that they needed to get a good night’s sleep, and I was acting from a place of love and kindness by helping them learn to stay in bed.  And it really helped me to feel calm once I felt I had a way to effectively handle the situation, rather than feeling like they were in control of the situation instead of me – that addressed the feeling of powerlessness that I was really bothered by. 

Here’s what worked for me.  I put them all in bed, and then sat outside their door with a book to read to myself so I wouldn’t get bored.  (For very little kids, you can even sit at the foot of their bed.  But don’t look at them, smile, or make conversation – unless you don’t mind them finding strategies to keep you interacting with them.)  They popped out of bed – surprise!  There I was.  I got up immediately, and without any anger or talking, matter of factly put them right back in bed.  If they protested (and you know they did!), I said calmly, “Now it’s time for bed.”  If they got up again – I was there right away before they hardly had time to climb out.  If they asked me something, I said, “No talking now, it’s bedtime.”  They got the message very quickly that there was no emotional or physical gain by repeatedly getting up or trying to get me to respond.  They didn’t get attention, positive or negative, and they didn’t get whatever physical things they might have wanted (like a snack).  In the daytime they got lots of attention and my receptive ear.  How long do you think young children will keep this up if they consistently are getting the same response?

(By the way, I did basically the same thing when my kids got older and I found that they were talking and talking and talking after they were in bed, and it was escalating to being loud and rowdy.)

So to recap: 1) intercept them immediately (ie, don’t wait for them to walk around five minutes before responding – I’ve found the immediacy is an important factor since it needs to be very clear to them what you’re responding to); 2) respond calmly and firmly.  And 3) repeat as necessary.  🙂

Good luck!

Avivah