Monthly Archives: May 2009

Making the postpartum period easier

homemaking, pregnancy

I hope everyone is enjoying their Lag B’omer!  My husband took the kids to our shul bonfire last night; I stayed home with the youngest, who was sleeping, and finally was able to listen to three of the relaxation cds that I checked out on Friday.  Two of them were good and I’ll happily use them during labor, one I couldn’t listen to for more than a minute without feeling annoyed so that immediately went into the reject pile. 

Today we went to a state park for a homeschooling get together.  It’s been six years since our last Lag B’omer homeschooling outing, since it kept falling on Sunday or Friday or other times that were inconvenient.  Finally this year the dates worked out, the weather was perfect, and we all had a great time.  It works out especially well since the last Weds. of the month, when we usually meet, will be erev Shavuos, so it’s like meeting now and making up for missing it then.  And a friend brought me two Jewish name books, so I’ve been looking through them this afternoon, looking at different spiritual connections between various names and this time of year.

>>There is no group here that makes meals or otherwise helps out with the family after birth, and there are no other shomer Shabbos families with a wife in town either, so I do worry about putting all the work on my husband (and it will be around the end of the semester (he is a professor). I have had very easy births so far, but you never know.<<

Some people are fortunate enough to have mothers who come and take care of everything for a week or even longer after birth, which is wonderful.  But most grandmothers are still working and can’t take the time off, and even if they can, after a week a mother still should be resting and taking it easy. 

So you have to be your own support, which isn’t really hard to do if you plan ahead and don’t get emotional about the help you should have but don’t.  Seriously, feeling sorry for yourself is just not productive because it doesn’t move you forward, but lots of women get stuck in this head space.   So it’s worth mentioning that it’s good to avoid that. 🙂

First of all, think about what kind of help you’ll need.  For most people, what comes to mind are the basic running the house kind of work that you’ll want to minimize as you give your body a chance to rest.  That usually means meals, laundry, and childcare. 

Meals – I’ve been fortunate to have friends send meals for a week after birth, for dinner.  I’ve always felt this was a huge help because it’s one less thing to think about or to do, and the kids always find it to be a treat to enjoy someone else’s cooking!  But even when you’re not in this situation, you can make meals in advance for yourself and stock your freezer.  I did this from my very first pregnancy through no. 6 (I can’t remember exactly).  There are lots of one dish meals that are ideal for this; hearty soups can also be frozen.  If for the month before you give birth you double whatever you’re making for dinner each night and pop the extra into the freezer right away, you’ll fill your freezer with hardly any extra thought or effort.  Even when I just had one newborn and no other children to take care of, it was such a help to pull a pan out of the freezer early in the day, warm it up before dinner, and know that we’d have a nice meal to enjoy without any exertion on my part.  This becomes a lot more important when you have young children, since the more people depend on you to be fed, the more pressure there is when you’re not feeling up to it.  So that’s dinner.

Going backwards in the day, you’ll need to take care of breakfast and lunch.  I’m a big believer in keeping things simple.  There are times in life to make more complicated meals, and there are times for hard boiled eggs and carrot sticks.  After birth is a time to just be concerned about basic nutrition, not any standard of impressive presentation!  For breakfasts, you can pull things you’ve baked in advance from the freezer, like muffins, quick breads, baked oatmeal, or you can make fast and simple breakfasts like oatmeal, polenta, or eggs.  Granola can be made in a large batch in advance, or you could use store bought cold cereal (because I don’t use cold cereals, it’s not the first thing I think of but it can be a good option) or instant hot cereal packs (like grits or cream of wheat). 

Lunch – sandwiches, cottage cheese, tuna, veggie sticks.  Again, simple, simple, simple.  Serve whatever it is with a smile and everyone will be happy.  Even as easy as this can be, it takes mental space to think about what to put out.  So I’d suggest before birth making a menu for the first month postpartum, writing down what you’ll have for each meal.  This can be posted on the fridge, and will make it easier for you to make sure everyone is fed, and make it easier for your husband to do the shopping for whatever it is you’ll need.  You can use this same meal schedule for the next month, if you feel that will be helpful to you at that time. 

Child care – this is the hardest thing to delegate.  If you have the possibility of hiring someone to come in for an hour or two a day, that will give you time to rest.  I remember when I had my third that just being able to take a nap for an hour in the afternoon was a big help – this was the main thing I remember my mother in law doing for me when she came to visit after that birth – watching the kids while I took a nap later in the day.  Often you can find a homeschooled teen who is home during the day, or even a 10 or 12 year old can be a big help in entertaining the kids.  You’ll be home so it’s not like you need a babysitter as much as a mother’s helper, and younger kids are great for that. 

But often that’s not possible, financially or because you can’t find anyone!  When you’re the one who is supervising the kids, stay seated as much as possible.  A lot of the time we get up and feel like we have to do something but many of those things can just as easily be dealt with from the couch.  🙂  You can have your older kids (even age 4- 5 and up) bring you diapers and the baby or toddler when they need changing.  (My 4.5 year old was already changing her baby brother’s wet diapers by herself by the time he was 6 months old, but that was initiative she took; I wouldn’t have thought of asking her to do it!)    Your kids can help each other instead of turning to you for everything (an older one can play with a younger, bring them a toy, etc), and when you explain that mommy needs to rest they can share in the good feeling that they’re able to help you recuperate.  Kids love to be helpful.

Laundry – With a washer and dryer, this shouldn’t be a big physical effort.  But the less you do after birth, the faster you’ll recuperate.  If you can, ask your husband to do this when he gets home – popping a load in right before dinner, and then another right after dinner can keep things moving along very nicely.  If he’s not available for this, then at least have someone else bring the dirty laundry to the machine and take the clean laundry to where it needs to go.   You can have your kids put the actual dirty laundry in the machine for you, and then put the clean wet laundry in the dryer, so that you’re not exerting yourself.

My midwife’s instructions are no driving anywhere for two weeks, not even as a passenger.  It’s not that riding in a car is so strenous that she says this.  I think it’s more that once we get into the car, we have a tendency to think that we can and should be taking care of things.  Don’t be a martyr, and don’t try to prove how capable you are, that you’re back to normal so quickly after having a baby.  The more you rest after birth, the sooner you’ll get back to yourself.  Being pregnant and giving birth takes a lot out of your body, and even if you feel great, your body deserves some healing time.  The postpartum period is the time to nurture yourself as much as you possibly can, to drop down to the most basic standards, and to put yourself first without feeling guilty for it.  Anyway, it’s not like you’re sitting around eating bon bons after giving birth – you’re still working hard, taking care of a newborn with all that entails.  You’ve earned a break after doing all you’ve done for nine months, plus what you’re doing with a new baby, don’t you think?!?  If that doesn’t earn you a break, I don’t know what will!  Emotionally, you’ll also benefit by taking care of yourself, as you’ll be less likely to suffer from postpartum depression. 

If someone offers to help, take them up on it.  It’s not easy to ask a visitor to wash your sink full of dishes, put a load of laundry in the machine, or take your kids to the park for an hour, but I think most people who care enough to visit you or call to ask about your well being really want to help and would be happy to do something concrete if they can. 

Avivah

The first Torah Homeschooling Conference!

homeschooling,

Even though I’m still finalizing some last details, I want to give anyone who lives out of the area some advance notice about the first Torah Homeschooling Conference, so that you’ll have time to make arrangements if you want to come in for it.

The conference is geared towards providing support and encouragement to those who are already homeschooling, as well as answering questions of parents who are considering homeschooling.  It will be held in Baltimore on June 28, 2009, on the second floor of the Park Heights JCC, 5700 Park Heights Ave. 21215.  Check-in/registration will begin at 8:15 am; the talks/workshops will begin at 9 am and end at 5 pm.  Topics that will be covered will include (but aren’t limited to): creative approaches for teaching Hebrew reading and writing, teaching limudei kodesh, different approaches to homeschooling, the benefits of homeschooling and dealing with challenges, socialization, marriage and homeschooling, burnout, and a veterans’ panel in which questions will be accepted from the audience.  A couple of topics are still being finalized. We have a rav who will be speaking on the importance of chanoch l’naar al pi darko, and a parent educator/author who will speak about building the connnection with your children. 

Except for the two general sessions, which will be for all attendees, there will be two workshops during each time slot (for a total of five workshop choices), and parents will need to preregister for the workshops that most interest them, as there is limited space.  All workshops will be given by experienced homeschool parents.  I plan to have all workshops and talks recorded for later purchase, so that if someone misses one, they’ll be able to hear it later on.

The cost will be $15 per person or $25 per couple for advance registration.  Payment for advance registration needs to be received by June 15 and your workshop choices should be included at that time.  If you choose to register at the door, the cost will be $20 per person or $35 per couple.  Your workshop choices will be limited to the available openings at that time, so while you’ll definitely be able to attend something in each time slot, you won’t necessarily be able to attend the one that most interests you.  If I can get a website set up within a week, the workshop schedule will be available online; otherwise it will be available from me or another volunteer by email (I’ll share those details when we’re ready to send the schedule out). 

I’ve spoken to the JCC and they are willing to provide babysitting for infants through age 3, in the same building where the conference will take place.  They are licensed and insured, and well set up for children of this age.  The payment for this will be separate from conference costs and will be made to the JCC at the time you are there.  Since they will be bringing in staff just for this, and are going well outside of their usual services of providing babysitting for just an hour at a time, I’ll need to know by June 15 if you’ll need babysitting services so that I can let them know how much staffing they’ll need.

Lunch can be purchased at the Eden Cafe, a kosher dairy restaurant in the same building, or attendees can go to other area restaurants during the hour long lunch break.  There will be some Jewish academic resources available for purchase from the Center for Jewish Education’s store, as well as a huge variety of curriculums available for browsing in their library (on the same floor as the conference rooms).

Since as you know I’m due any minute, if you want to get involved and help out, I’d love to have your help!  As of right now, what I most would appreciate help with is:

– keeping track of registration, payment, and workshop choices

– if you know how to set up a basic wordpress blog with a shopping cart and online registration capacity, and can do it inexpensively, please let me know. 

– **if in Baltimore – setting up the recording devices for each talk

– **if in Baltimore – making Shabbos arrangements for visiting families.  I’ve negotiated a  discount at an area hotel (Radisson at Cross Keys) for workshop attendees, but this will be the only option for out of town visitors if someone isn’t able to help with Shabbos arrangements. 

– compiling useful homeschooling articles to include as handouts; someone has already volunteered to compile lists of homeschooling resources

– helping to get the word out about the conference

I think our community is very overdue for an event like this, and am looking forward to the conference.  I hope that I’ll get to meet a number of online homeschooling friends in person!  And meeting new friends will be wonderful, too!

Avivah

Midwifes ‘watching’ laboring women

pregnancy

>>Avivah, I have a question about having the midwife stay
in the other room. Most of the midwives I’ve talked to
over the years have emphasized that *watching* the mom
labor (hopefully unobtrusively) is an important way that
they gain a sense for how the labor is progressing and
how the mom and baby are doing, without having to do a
lot of exams or monitoring. How do you feel about that?
Do you think you would be able to call the midwife in if
you felt you were having a hard time?

I’m asking, not to judge your approach, but just to
increase my own understanding.<<

It’s a good question, and you don’t sound a bit like you’re being judgemental! 

I didn’t mean to give the impression that the midwife stays out of the room the entire time – she doesn’t.  She comes in periodically and assesses how things are going, but she goes out when she sees things are fine.  If I felt I needed her at any of these times, she would stay with me.  Whenever my husband goes in and out of the room, he keeps her updated, too.  If something suddenly and drastically changed in my labor, she’s very close by, and my husband would get her.  My husband tends to be with me during a lot of labor, though he ends up sitting somewhere to the side, usually.  I like to know he’s there, but not to feel that he’s there.  🙂  That’s how he’s able to call her immediately when I say I want her to come in. 

All of my hospital births were attended by midwives (CNMs) and this is what they did, and both of my home birth midwives have done the same thing.  It really is possible to learn a lot about where a woman is holding just by watching her – I used to pretty accurately be able to guess how many centimeters the women I was providing labor support for were at by paying attention to their labor signposts.  Experienced midwives have been at a lot more births than I have and I’m sure can detect a lot more factors than that.

 I think the above is the typical approach to keeping an eye on a laboring woman, but periodic monitoring doesn’t require a constant presence, and most experienced midwives have learned the art of being unobtrusive even when they are present.

Avivah 

Extend your dishwashing liquid

frugal strategies

A while back, I wanted to see if I could inexpensively extend the amount of time my dishwashing liquid lasted, as it seems that we just blow through it.  Part of that is that my kids do dishes, and they aren’t conservative about how much they use.  And since they wash dishes, I’m not going to complain that they’re using too much soap. 

But still, making what you have last longer is an inherent part of saving money, so I was thinking about options.  One was to make my own dishwashing liquid, an idea I’ll eventually try but haven’t done yet.  What I did start doing several weeks ago was the following:

Take a bottle of the dishwashing liquid you buy, and then empty half of it into another bottle.  Fill the bottle with the liquid 1/4 of the way with ammonia, and the remaining 1/4 fill with either water or vinegar (I used water but vinegar would have more cleaning power).  Give it a shake, and use it the same way you’d use your regular dishwashing liquid. 

I was very happy with this mixture, since it cuts the grease much more effectively than the store bought stuff, and I needed to use less to get the dishes clean.  I mixed up a new batch of it tonight (this takes literally a few seconds), which reminded me to share this tip with you!

Avivah

It’s a beautiful world!

homemaking

Since I was on the phone for hours yesterday making arrangements for the Torah homeschooling conference I’m organizing, I especially wanted to be present for my kids today and NOT be on the phone or computer.  So lest any of you think that a day without me posting means that I had a baby, I wanted to quickly pop in and let you know that I didn’t. 🙂

But now that I’m here, I’ll share some of what I was thinking about this morning.  Have you ever stopped to think about what a beautiful world we live in?  Not because anything is extra special about today, but just because every day is so beautiful?  That’s what I was thinking about.  We are so lucky to have all that we have.  It’s so easy to be so busy that we are more focused on what we need to accomplish than on being present in the moment and enjoying living life. 

I feel like this week past my due date has been a wonderful gift, since I’ve used the opportunity to become more mentally relaxed and emotionally present for myself and my family.  I’ve still gotten a lot done, but I haven’t had the sense of pressure that something needs to be done that I sometimes feel.  If I’ve wanted to do it, I’ve done it, without any unnecessary emotion about it.  There are some things that I haven’t felt were important enough to do that I usually do, but that’s been fine, too.  It’s a good headspace to be in – and it’s not because I don’t have anything to do, because I have as much to do as always, and not because my life is stress free, because it’s not (spent yesterday afternoon at the dentist with ds10, seeing about getting his newly chipped tooth repaired – it was broken when a friend accidentally smashed him in the mouth with a water gun and now he’s snaggle toothed :)).  It’s easy to forget how we’re the ones who choose our mood and how our day goes, but the reality is, we’re the only ones who can control our daily experience. 

Today I picked up some relaxation music cds from the library for using in labor.  I wish I could listen to them and decide which is most appropriate labor music, but I’m thinking that any of them will be enjoyable.  Maybe on Lag B’omer I’ll have the chance depending what does or doesn’t develop between then. 🙂  I really enjoy peaceful and relaxing new age type music, though I don’t listen to it often, since my kids have their preferences, too, and while they like this, they wouldn’t choose it.  I’ve enjoyed listening to Yanni since high school, but his music isn’t good for labor – some of the pieces too much tempo and you don’t want music building up when contractions are building up.  I don’t know anything about any of the cds I got today – if it said something about relaxation, serenity, or peacefulness on it, I took it. 🙂

Then I got to spend some time in the kosher supermarket, a fun place to be on Friday afternoon. 🙂  Seriously, even shopping on erev Shabbos can be enjoyable if you’re not feeling rushed.  And if you’re lucky enough to too run into a friend while shopping like I did, it’s even nicer!  Then someone else I hardly knew came up to me and told me she had been trying to call me about something, so I was able to have a nice chat with her and have one less call to return to boot! 

While I spent that time out, my kids were countersinking the nail holes in our new door frame (this time it was dd8 and ds10 who were helping out), and then filling the holes with putty so that they can be painted over.  I love how my husband gets the kids involved in working with him; it’s enjoyable for all of them to be working together on something.  My husband did some more finishing touches, so it’s really almost done – maybe he’ll even paint the frame today.  I know he’d like to be finished with it. 

Right now the house is filled with the yummy smell of cinnamon – we’re trying an experiment for a Shabbos snack.  We sliced up peeled summer squash thinly, sprinkled the slices with cinnamon and sucanat, and put it into the dehydrator.  They aren’t yet finished, but they should be done in time for Shabbos.  I think they’ll be really tasty.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts and some of what’s happening around here today.  I hope you all have a wonderful Shabbos!

Avivah

Why I don’t use a doula

pregnancy

>>Truthfully, I don’t even want a doula. I had my midwives come in at the very end of labor since that was the only time I really felt I needed them. <<

This is exactly how I am.  In the last week, three people have offered to be my doula as a favor – two are massage therapists, one is a very experienced doula with a lot of other skills who is also a good friend.  And I told all of them I wish I could be a person who could have a doula with her since I love the idea of it, but I like to be left alone and do best like that.  When it’s time for the baby to be born, I tell my dh to get the midwife.  For births no. 2, 3, 4, 6, and 7, that meant the midwife came in with just a few minutes before the baby was born.  (This has a tendency to unnerve the midwives, since they see me looking relaxed and quiet throughout labor and come in expecting that labor is finally getting going, not ready for a baby to be crowning.  After no. 4, the midwife, who knew me because we had been at a number of births together, joked that I couldn’t have possibly have given her less notice and in the future she would appreciate even a couple of minutes more. 🙂 )  For the last birth, the pushing took an hour instead of a minute, so in that situation, my midwife needed to be there for longer. 

You would think that having been a doula myself, that I would be the first to want someone to be with me.  I think having a good doula can be an amazingly huge help to the majority of women.  But I think that women are individuals first and foremost, and everyone needs to be in the situation that they feel most comfortable in.  Some women are very educated about and emotionally prepared for birth, and prefer to have more space to themselves, and really do best like that.  Something I love about my current midwife is she has the ability to totally efface herself – she doesn’t feel like she has to do something just because she’s there.  She is in tune with what a person needs and is comfortable waiting for the woman to be ready for her help, at whatever stage that might be.  She can sit quietly in another room and wait or she can actively be supporting the woman by rubbing her back or whatever.  That might not sound like a big deal, but in labor, many people feel like they need to actively do something to show their support for the laboring woman. 

As with so many things, you have to know yourself and what your needs are, and communicate that to those who want to support you.  I think the majority of women benefit from having a doula with them; I’m just too independent to be one of them!

Avivah

Replacing the front door

frugal strategies

On Purim day, my kids announced to me that our front door was cracking.  I took a look, and sure enough, the narrow edge of it where it locks was beginning to splinter.  Since it’s the original door and this house was built 70 years ago, it’s had a good long life, and it can’t be expected to last forever, especially with all the coming and going it endures with our family.  I mentioned it to my dh, but things were then busy with Pesach preparations and other things he had to take care of, and it wasn’t really urgent.  So it wasn’t until three weeks ago when it got so bad that I couldn’t lock the door that I strongly urged him to take care of it. 

Taking care of it meant replacing the door, no small quickie project, and one that he admitted he really didn’t want to do, the real reason he wasn’t getting around to it.  So off we went to Home Depot to order a door and pay someone else to do it.  Once there we learned that to replace our current door with the least expensive door and to have it installed would be around $400 – $500, and it would take another six weeks until they could do it.  I really didn’t want a door that didn’t lock for another six weeks, and that seemed like way too much money just for a simple door.  So back home we went, without ordering the door!  Dh started reading about how to replace doors, and a couple of days later, brought home a brand new preframed door from a building supply place for 50% of Home Depot’s price, for the exact same door – just $80 including tax.

Buying it was the easy part.  The big part of the project was putting it in.  So a week and a half ago on Friday (Friday is his day off which isn’t the best day for big projects, but that’s when things happen around here), the kids pulled the frame of the old door off with a crowbar, and he spent the rest of the afternoon installing it.  By the time Shabbos came in, I was relieved that we had a new door in place – sort of.  Our door frame isn’t a standard size, and the standard size door is two inches shorter than our frame, which means he needed to build the frame down to properly fit the door we bought (the alternative was custom ordering a door to fit the space, which was much more expensive).  So the door was in, but there was still a 2 inch gap at the top.  Fortunately it wasn’t very cold and it wasn’t hot enough to have to worry about mosquitoes, but still, it’s not the kind of situation you want to have long term, you know?

But it stayed like that until the following Friday, and then he built the door frame down.  Now there was no gap, and it looked a lot better, but it still didn’t look finished because he needed to insulate the door, paint the woodwork, and replace the molding on the inside of the door.  Well, we’re getting close to having it done – it’s now well insulated, the molding is on, and all that’s left is to paint the frame.  Oh, and I want him to put the little viewer thing and a mail slot, but that’s kind of extra. 

One thing that’s nice about doing your own repairs, aside from the money you save (and that’s not unsubstantial – if it was the same cost he’d rather have someone else do it!), is that you can often do a better and more thorough job than those you would pay.  My dh added in a security feature he read about to make it harder to break in, and the insulation he added should keep out cold air leaks in the winter.  (Leaks around windows and doors let in a surprising amount of cold.)

To keep the costs down, he reused as much lumber from the original door frame as he could, turning it over so that the unused side was facing out. He also reused the original molding.  It got a bit chipped in the process of removing it, but once it’s touched up, it will look fine. Using two strategies – ‘do instead of buy’, and ‘shop at home’ (ie, see what you already have that can be used before going to the store) have so far saved us around $400 on this one project alone, so I’d say his time was well spent!

Avivah

Homebirths and kids

pregnancy

>>What do you do with your kids when you’re in labor if you’re having a homebirth?<<

I’ve gotten this question a number of times – I think the concern is firstly about where the kids actually are present, and secondly about how a laboring woman has privacy if her kids are at home the same time.  Since our kids are homeschooled, it’s inevitable that everyone, or most everyone, is going to be home when I have a baby.  I’ve had four homebirths so far, and each of them was in a different home, so I’ll share the physical set up of each, and then address generally my approach to labor.

Homebirth #1 – bedrooms and one bathroom was on one side of the apartment, the living room, dining room, and another bathroom were on the other side.  I stayed in my room and had one bathroom to myself, my kids were on the other side of the apartment, with a kitchen separating the two sides.  This was my very long labor and the midwife’s assistant took the kids outside and played with them at some point in the afternoon – she didn’t have anything else to do.  But otherwise dh was with them, except for when he popped in to be with me.

Homebirth #2 – bedrooms and single bathroom were upstairs, everything else was downstairs.  I was upstairs, the kids were downstairs (until they saw the midwife come and then they ran up the stairs to follow her) – the midwife was only there for 10 minutes before the baby was born, so there wasn’t much of an issue anyway!

Homebirth #3 – my bedroom and bathroom were on one side of apartment, the other bedrooms and bathroom were on the other side.  My oldest son was gone that morning, my two older dds were also gone that morning (their grandparents brought them back an hour before the baby was born, though), so I only had my 7, 5, and almost 4 yo children at home.  At one point the 7 yob took the other two out to play with them, when he realized I was in labor.  Very sweet of him.

Homebirth #4 – in the house we’re currently in.  Our bedroom and bathroom are on a separate floor from the kids.  This was the only time out of any of my births that the baby was born at night.  I loved this, but my kids really didn’t.  They don’t like waking up and missing the excitement, the anticipation of knowing the midwife is there and wondering when the baby will be born and what it will be, seeing the baby already dressed – this was a major complaint they had about last time.

When I’m in labor, I prefer to mostly be left alone.  I think that privacy is extremely important to a laboring woman; a woman needs to feel able to totally focus on her labor.  My kids don’t come into (or near) my room at any point during labor, and certainly not during the birth.  (I’ve considered letting my older teen daughters be present for the birth since I think it would be a really good experience for them; I would love for them to experience first hand the beauty and serenity of a birth that is allowed to follow it’s own course with no unnecessary intervention. But I’m unfortunately a private person and not comfortable with that.)  When they were younger, my dh took care of them, but now I have older kids and all of my kids age 6 and up are capable of taking care of themselves and helping out with the younger toddlers. 

A number of women have asked me, “But don’t they HEAR you?”  In my case, there’s really nothing to hear, even if they stick their ear next to the door.  I’ve found conscious relaxation in labor very helpful, and that’s what I do (this is most similar to what is taught in the Bradley method).  I read a bit about hypnobirthing during this pregnancy and it sounds alot like what I do, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know enough about it.  Someone watching me wouldn’t even know I’m having contractions, except that I breathe more deeply then.  I usually prefer sitting on the comfy glider in my room with my eyes closed and focusing on positive imagery and keeping my entire body relaxed, though physiologically it’s not the best position.  Last time I felt the need to lean forward during transition, so I chose positions that facilitated that instead of the glider.  I also like having relaxing music on in the background, but it’s best to have music that doesn’t have a pattern building up or down – I had a very nice cassette which was made for labor (unfortunately doesn’t work now :() that had beautiful rain falling type music, sounds of a stream, etc.  Any cassettes intended for relaxation are usually perfect for labor.

Regarding the lack of noise/minimal noise, I don’t think I’m unusual.  Women who are prepared, who work with their bodies, and who are supported don’t make the kind of noises that are routinely heard in hospitals.  Interestingly but not surprisingly, the noise heard in labor wards isn’t usually coming from prepared unmedicated mothers.  Women who are taking Demerol are at a particular disadvantage, because they don’t feel the contraction building up and don’t have any time to prepare themselves, and when they are hit with the most intense part of a contraction, it’s very hard on them.  They’re the ones I used to hear the worst screaming from.  Also heard from those waiting for an epidural to be administered, whose epidural didn’t take, or those whose epidurals only took on one side of their bodies.  Women who are prepared have physical and emotional strategies to handle contractions, and when they do make noise, they are usually low pitched umm or hmm sounds, sometimes groans, not the high pitched screaming that leaves anyone who hears it sure that giving birth to a baby is the most agonizing experience in the world.  I asked my midwife her experience with this, and she agreed that there’s not usually a lot of noise at homebirths. 

The kids come in as soon as possible afterwards.  With baby no. 5 they came in after I was cleaned up from the hemorrage, probably after a half hour.  After no. 6 and 7 they came in when the baby was ten minutes old, as soon as the placenta was out but still connected to the baby.  So they got to see the umbilical cord cut (with 6 and 7), see the baby still covered with vernix, watch the baby have it’s first exam, and just generally experience the excitement of a brand new human being who has just come into the world.  It’s a very special experience for everyone in the family.  We let each of them hold the baby right away, with the youngest getting the first turn (this is probably the only time the youngest goes first – most things in our home go from oldest to youngest).  With baby no. 8 they were asleep since it was 1:40 am and I wasn’t interested in waking them up, so they missed all the action.  (I’ve promised them this time that I’ll wake them up right away, since they were so disappointed last time – only the kids ages 6 and up, though; the toddlers can wait until the morning.) 

As far as me, it just takes a couple of minutes to clean up.  Last time the placenta was partially abrupted and there was more blood than usual, so I took a quick shower right afterwards because I wanted to feel really clean.  I’m almost always fully dressed from the time I get up in the morning and wear a shaitel throughout the day, and I don’t dress any differently just because I’m in labor, so I don’t look any different after giving birth. (Last time it was the nighttime and it didn’t make sense to me to purposely stay in clothes and a shaitel at a time I would usually be changing to a snood and nightgown.) 

People seem to think that the room must be filled with blood and bodily fluids, but that’s really not the case.  Whatever amounts (usually small) of fluids there are are contained on a chux pad, which is quickly rolled up and put into a garbage bag right away.  Even with the hemorrage and abrupted placenta, both situations in which there’s a lot more blood than usual, clean up still wasn’t a big deal.  I’ve found that home births are much neater than hospital births because your attendants respect that they’re in your home and want the atmosphere to be pleasant and orderly, so they take more care than in the hospital setting.  (I still remember a birth I attended at a newly decorated maternity wing of a major hospital, a hospital everyone was flocking to because of the renovations.  I couldn’t believe that the fluids during that birth were literally left to run all over the floor instead of being caught by a basin or contained on a chux pad – it could have so easily been avoided and was very unpleasant to see.  I suppose since the attendants weren’t the ones doing the cleaning up and it wasn’t their husband who had to walk over a mini stream running through the room, they didn’t care – and it was certainly a stark contrast to the beautiful furnishings.) 

Okay, I hope I answered all the aspects of that question!  If I missed something, just ask.

Avivah

More energy work :)

parenting, pregnancy

Last night my ds10 was complaining about neck stiffness, which I usually tend to brush off after telling him to take a hot bath or put a heating pad on his neck to loosen things up.  But my ds15 was there and told me that it’s really becoming problematic for his younger brother, so I right away got on the phone to make an appointment with my amazing chiropractor.  I’ve never taken any of my kids before, soley because of financial constraints, since the visits aren’t covered by insurance and are totally out of pocket expenses.

But I felt it was important that he be seen right away, and I took him to her this afternoon.  I was really surprised by what came up with him when she worked on him!  (I’m assuming that everyone who reads this has already read my explanations about energy work a few posts back.  If not, go back and look or none of this will make sense.)

The first level of energy blockage was regarding him feeling depleted by math (he’s in fourth grade and starting pre-algebra), which was very helpful to me to know.  I don’t push him, he’s just naturally good at math and has been self propelled, but it seems like it’s become a pressure for him.  I have some thoughts on how to better support him in this area and how to help him feel less overwhelmed by it that I’ll start to apply right away.  

The second level of blockage (deeper) was something socially he wants to do but can’t.  This was also easy to figure out; ds15 told me on motzei Shabbos that it was a good thing I agreed to let ds10 have a sleep over that night because he’s been feeling deprived.  It’s funny that he would feel lacking socially since more than any of the kids, he’s always going to friends, speaks to his best friend several times a day on the phone in addition to regular play dates and sleep overs, etc.  He makes friends easily and enjoys being around people, and always wants to be with them more than I want him to be out of the house.  I’m not worrying about this issue – I think we have a good balance regarding his social needs and he needed energy clearing more than we need to change anything in this area.  She asked him some questions afterwards about this and seemed to feel the same way.

It was the third layer of blocked energy that was the most interesting, and made it very clear why his neck stiffness became very intense right around now.  It’s directly related to his fear of his relationship with me being affected by a new baby, a fear of being ‘cut off and bereft of spiritual guidance and protection’.   I didn’t expect any of these issues; I thought it would probably be more about me expecting too much or being demanding of him, and him feeling like he couldn’t live up to my expectations.  But actually she said he feels a deep bond with me, and none of the issues I worried I was causing him seemed to be there. 

All of these issues were concentrated in his neck area, so after doing the energy clearing, she did a chiropractic adjustment and massage.  When she finished he left the room for a couple of minutes.  While I was standing next to her waiting for him, she quickly checked my energy, and then the baby’s energy.  She said she’s picking up fear regarding the birth.  I asked her where it was coming from, and she said that it’s not from me, but it’s the baby – he/she is afraid of being born.  This was really interesting because on Friday, my kids asked me when I thought the baby would be born, and I told them I felt that for some reason our baby was afraid of being born and I didn’t think labor was going to happen anytime soon, and we might be in for a lot longer wait than any of us would have expected.  I’ve never said or thought anything like that for any of the past eight babies, so don’t ask me why I thought that; it was kind of a spontaneous intuitive thought.  I asked why a baby would be afraid of being born, and she quietly pointed to my son, who had just come back into the room, and said that the baby’s fear and my ds’s fear are somehow connected.  But there’s no way to know how or why since souls can have contact from very far back.  She said not to worry about it since she cleared it away from both of them. 

Isn’t it fascinating how many layers of complexity there are that we aren’t even aware of?  So now my kids are thinking that because of this energy work the baby will be born tonight (every morning at least a couple of kids run to my room to see if the baby was born during the night!), and I keep trying to tell them to just relax and whenever it will happen it will happen. 

Avivah

Copywork

homeschooling,

>>Can you explain a little bit about the “copy work” you mention?<<

Copywork is a method espoused by Charlotte Mason.  Being an eclectic homeschooler, I don’t limit myself to approaches or techniques from just one method – I adopt ideas that resonate with me.  When I read about Charlotte Mason’s work, I connected with several things she wrote about.  One was the focus on quality literature; another was the idea of copywork. 

Copywork is exactly what it sounds like – you have your child copy written passages.  My kids begin copywork as soon as they finish a basic workbook on handwriting, so that they are familiar with how to form the letters properly, at about the age of 6 or 7, depending on the child.  My six year old now isn’t doing it; I don’t feel it would be constructive for him yet.  It’s important that whatever they copy be quality writing samples; though the copywork serves as handwriting practice, it also serves as so much more.  They continue doing copywork on a daily basis until they are ten, at which point I transition them to developing their independent writing skills.

By providing your child with a good model of writing, over time he will develop a sense of good sentence structure, grammar, and spelling.  I don’t make grammar or spelling an independent subject – I know that they’re internalizing these things when they do their reading and copywork.  How much they do is much less important that the quality of the work they do.  When they do their copywork, it has to be exact – every punctuation mark copied properly, every word spelled correctly, written neatly.  If it’s sloppy then they have to do it over (that has rarely happened).  Part of the goal in doing the copywork is to help a child focus on the details; too often kids gloss over small details in their rush to get their work done.  Before they show it to me, I tell them to look at it and compare it to the original, to be sure there are no mistakes.  They often see things on their own that need to be corrected, and finding your own errors is more valuable than having someone else point them out to you.  Their copywork should be something that they can take pride in showing someone. 

I’ve used different things for them to copy from over the years.  It can be any book that you feel is well written and appropriate for the child’s age.  Initially, I used A Child’s Garden of Verses, by RL Stevenson.  That was good but then I felt that copying poems wasn’t as helpful in developing a sense of regular sentence structure as a book would be.  I started my dd8 (then 7) on the first book in the Billy and Blaze series, and now she’s using a McGuffey reader, as is my ds10 (they use different levels – McGuffey readers begin with a primer and go up to level 6 – I start the copywork with the first reader, which comes after the primer).  I plan to use the McGuffey readers for copywork for all of my kids from now on, with the exception of when they are new to copywork – to start them off, I’d give them something more engaging if I felt it would be helpful to them.

Avivah