>>Also, something else I was wondering… My son right now is only 2 years old, but I know I grew up with a frugal family and I was embarassed of it. Do your kids have a similar mindset to you in terms of natural stuff and frugality, or do they get embarrassed about it? How do you keep your kids proud of what you’re doing and not embarrassed that their mom is one of ‘those moms’ :roll:; like I felt when I was a kid? Is living your kind of lifestyle a little more accepted (where you live) than it was (where I grew up), apparently?<<
I grew up without much money and I always felt less than, so I know what you mean. When I was younger I planned to make sure my kids had everything that everyone else (plus!) so that they wouldn’t feel bad to be different or have less. I attributed my negative feelings as a kid to being poor. But that’s not actually the root of the feeling – it’s an insecurity about who you are and what you do that you convey to your child that they pick up on, not if you are just like everyone else. If you are confident about what you do and present your choices to your family (or anyone else) matter of factly, it makes a huge difference in how you and what you do are perceived.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that even those who do things just like everyone else also have kids who are embarrassed by them. So being ultra conservative and conformist isn’t the answer to having kids who are embarrassed by you. Actually, I think it’s when parents put a high value on being like everyone else that it becomes a lot more important to the kids, and those kids are much more likely to be embarrassed by any perceived differences than kids raised with the idea that it’s a value to live with integrity.
I don’t label myself as a ‘natural’ or ‘attachment parenting’ person. The things I do are part of who I am, but they aren’t my identity. I’m a middle of the road person, and if you were to look at me you wouldn’t see visible differences between me and anyone else. (Anyone who knows me in person is welcome to disagree in the comments section :)). Why would anyone look at me and know I spent 1/4 – 1/2 of what the same size family spends on food? People don’t know by looking where you buy your clothes, if it’s at the super duper sales, at a thrift store, or at the beginning of the season in overpriced stores. And if they learn that you have a great quality life for a lot less than what they think it’s necessary to spend, most people would be interested and positive about that, not hostile.
I’ve said before that frugality isn’t about doing without, but about living within your means while making choices about how you spend your money that are valuable to you. We make choices and that’s how I explain things to my kids. I don’t feel apologetic that there are many people in the world that have a lot more money than we do. We have a great quality life and I constantly communicate my feeling to my kids that we’re so blessed to have all that we have (not just material things, but quality of life things).
Kids tend to have a lot of social insecurity since they are in the process of figuring out who they are and where they fit in. I think it helps a lot that I homeschool, so my kids aren’t constantly exposed to the judgments and assessments of immature peers – it’s that ongoing exposure that creates a lot of insecurity. My kids haven’t internalized the belief that if you do anything different from everyone else, that something is wrong or shameful about you.
My kids aren’t embarrassed by me, but not because I made it my goal to keep them from feeling that way. We spend a lot of time together and they respect who I am and what I do; I think the feeling of respect is the core of why I don’t have this issue. They like me (well, most of the time – less when I’m reminding them to wash the dishes!), and I like them.
As far as if my lifestyle is perceived more positively here than somewhere else – I can’t say. Maybe. In my opinion, it’s not so much about how people view your lifestyle as how they view you. As I said, I don’t wear the different choices I make on my sleeve, and I generally find people to be quite positive when I do discuss choices that I’ve made that are outside of the norm (eg homeschooling). While I think it’s less about the choice and more about the individual, if I were in a community that was rigid and judgmental, I’d undoubtedly have a different experience. So I’m grateful to live in the community I do, which is wonderful!
Avivah
I think kids’ embarrassment of their parents comes from relationship and not any specific parental traits. A couple of examples: I once took my daughter to a community ed class and had to insist on being allowed to sit in with her for at least the first class. There was an interchange between me and the teacher in which I was polite but resolute, and my daughter watched the whole thing. I asked her after the class if I had embarrassed her, and she said no, that the teacher had caused the whole embarrassment. On the other hand, my young teenage son and I recently went through a rocky time in our relationship, and he began expressing embarrassment about hugging me or even being with me at church. When we cleared up the relationship issues, the embarrassment just disappeared. I think embarrassment of parents is very common in kids who are sent to school because they can so easily begin to value things about their peers over their family – this is a relationship issue. It doesn’t happen with all kids who are sent to school, and I’ve seen it happen many times with homeschool families.
Janet, this is a very powerful point you’re making – that when kids identify with you and feel close to you, they generally feel good about what you do and how you do it.
I think that the point about peers becoming more important than parents is at the heart of teenage issues that most parents have, regardless of whether they’re schooled at home or not. The real issue is if parents are primary or peers are primary in the life of a teen.