>>I am trying to get the kids into a different set of expectations (things got a bit too chilled with all the insanity that went on here over the past few months). I’m kind of being overly strict to get to the middle point (as per the Rambam, perhaps). I feel/figure that once they know Mommy means business, things will flow much smoother. The problem is I feel like a drill sergeant and I don’t want the kids to feel like they are in boot camp (nor do I want to make homeschooling a miserable experience). What can be done? Am I wrong in being stricter for a bit? How can I make it work best so I don’t feel like anyone is being treated unfairly?<<

I think it’s natural to go a little more to one side when you’re changing your standards and trying to get to the golden middle path.  I know I did.  Don’t worry about being stricter.  You’re right that life gets much easier when your children know you mean what you say – there will be much less testing and provocations at that point.

The issue isn’t your strictness, it’s the lack of joy that tends to go hand in hand with strictness. It”s not fun for the kids to feel you have your eagle eye on them, waiting for them to do something wrong and then correcting them every other minute!  And it’s not fun for you either. We think of being strict as being emotionally distant and somewhat harsh, right?  But that’s not what it’s about!

This is where you’re going to have to have a mental shift, and realize that a mother can be fun to spend time with even when she’s raised her expectations and is being firm (a word that I think is more accurate for what I’m describing than strict – my kids don’t consider me a strict parent)!  Discipline shouldn’t be punitive; it’s about teaching and training. There’s a big difference between punishment and training, and the more you can internalize the difference, the more effective you’ll be and the less conflict you’ll feel.

So the answer is, when you’re raising your expectations of your kids, you must, must, must be making spending relaxed and enjoyable time with them a priority.  Read more books, play games, dance with a kiddie cassette – whatever you enjoy.  You’re keeping them close by but that shouldn’t mean tuning them out while you are online for long periods of time and then snapping at them more than usual because their proximity is annoying!  Kids being on a short leash doesn’t mean being in the figurative doghouse all day long – it means getting to be close to you for more time than usual, and should be enjoyable for all of you.

I think I mentioned last week that keeping your kids close can be draining.  It’s draining in a different way than yelling or having constant power struggles with a toddler; this is positive all around but still takes energy, especially in the adapting stage.  Make sure you’re getting enough sleep at night, and take time to rest in the middle of the day, even if you can’t actually nap.  If you make your main focus really spending time your kids and doing things you all find enjoyable, then the supervisory aspect becomes more of a technical function (and there’s less need for constant corrections since you’re catching things when they’re pretty minor) and less of an emotional function.

Does that clear things up a bit?

Avivah