For months I’ve been deliberating (agonizing?) over the educational decisions for our kids, and what has made it so hard was I was trying to assess factors from a distance that I had no familiarity with.  My main concerns about continuing to homeschool were:

a) Would I would have the emotional availability to give my kids what they need to make the transition successfully at this time, at the same time that there is a huge amount for me to do (lots of repeated visits to government offices, setting up a house from scratch, navigate a new city, etc) – this doesn’t include any integration into the society but even continuing our regular homeschooling and being really there for them.

b) Could I as an American effectively integrate my children into Israeli society and culture when I’m not fully comfortable in that society myself, at the same time holding myself apart to a large degree (and though this obviously won’t be the case for most Israeli homeschoolers, just like I’ve never felt it was an issue for us when homeschooling for the last eleven years in the US – for us living where we live, coming with the older children that we have, homeschooling would create a distance between us and many in the community).

There are times, like after a baby, that’s I’ve been one hundred percent fine with a very laid back approach to homeschooling, knowing that things would even out and we would get back on our usual schedule.  But for the past six months, I’ve been really busy with the aliyah process.  I’ve made a huge effort for this not to take away from my time with the kids, but our homeschooling has run on automatic.  Automatic is okay for a short period of time, but it’s not very fulfilling for the kids, because they don’t feel I’m very involved in their learning.

As we start this new stage of life, I don’t feel I have the luxury of taking a few months to put homeschooling on the back burner and ease into life here.  If my kids were younger, it would be a totally different story.  The focus could be fully on the new experience of living in a new country, shopping in new places, learning new money and measurement systems, getting used to speaking and reading a new language.  But that’s not enough for older kids.  When my middles and older kids feel unproductive, they don’t have a positive feeling about homeschooling (even though I can honestly say even when we’re on automatic their learning is still decent).  Right now, I need everyone’s collective positive energy, not them feeling like Mommy’s too busy to make sure they get the education/attention that they want/need.

On the integration front, the two biggest concerns that have weighed on my mind have been how I could help the kids learn Hebrew fluently, and how they could make friends.  There aren’t a lot of kids in my neighborhood – dd15 told me last night that of all the girls in her high school class, only three live in Karmiel (the others come from outside of the city).  I told her at least now she knows it’s not because we’re homeschooling that she isn’t meeting anyone; there just isn’t anyone to meet!  Of course social venues can be developed and nurtured, which I’ve done plenty of over the years, but that takes time and a lot of effort – and I don’t feel like time is on my side in helping the kids get started on the right foot here, and I don’t have the extra energy to put forth that effort right now.

On Friday I was thinking about several recent interactions with some of my kids that I wasn’t happy with; they were very minor but I was pondering about where the negativity was coming from.  I was getting the feeling that they weren’t enjoying being around me – and when I reflected on that, I realized that as much as I know how hard I’m trying to be patient and loving – they aren’t adults.  They aren’t thinking what a good job their mother is doing in handling the pressures and stresses.  Adults would be likely to at least partially understand the enormity of what I’m doing and might even be impressed with how positive and calm we’re being about it all.

But my kids aren’t outsiders who can be impressed from a distance.  They live with me close up, and are feeling their mother is more edgy than usual – and they’re right.  It’s not that I’m much different than usual, but my ratio of interactions  with them has shifted; I’m moving faster and being more directive of them without the usual input of mommy time to balance that out.

Usually my perspective on things like this is to look at my part, how I can improve, be more loving, patient, , etc. But on Friday, I had a moment of clarity in which I honestly said to myself, I simply can’t do more than I’m doing.  I think I’m doing really well. Really.  I’m not screeching and screaming, I’m not getting upset and angry.  But I feel the pressure of all that I’m trying to do and knowing all that is waiting to be done, and feeling like I’m not going to be able to to it the way it needs to be done.  It’s the mental pressure that I constantly feel pounding at me, more than the physical stuff that most people complain about during the aliyah process – and believe me, we’ve had plenty of potential irritants and stressors!

Right now, I have to ask myself, how can I be the mother my kids deserve?  Not how can I homeschool, help them learn Hebrew, be fully present for everyone at their own level emotionally, academically, and socially, my usual questions – but just how can I be the mother they need right now?  Because what they need me to be more than anything is just their mother.  And that’s something I can do, and I can do well.  But I can’t do all those other things well at this time, and trying to do them will compromise my primary goal.

So….

Our homeschooling plans are changing – again.  I enrolled dd10 in the local school yesterday.  Ds5 will be starting gan chova (kindergarten) tomorrow moring.  Ds12 has an interview with the principal of the school tomorrow morning, and I assume he’ll begin the day after that, on Weds.  Ds9, ds4 (today was his birthday!), and ds2 will continue to be at home (at least that’s today’s decision, lol!).

As far as how I made the decisions I did regarding this, dh and I thought a lot about each child and his/her personality and learning style, the teacher they would have, English speaking classmates, and what would help them best adjust to living in Israel.  For some kids this was going to school, for others it was learning at home.  As far as how I’m feeling about this… I have very, very mixed emotions.  To be detailed another time. 🙂

Avivah