I’ve been feeling kind of down lately, and went to sleep last night feeling especially discouraged. There are a few reasons for that, one of which is that during cold weather it gets into my bones and I feel like huddling under a blanket all day. (This is definitely related to living in a stone building without insulation or heating.) Because it’s cold people stay inside more, so then I feel socially isolated and as a person who is energized by interacting with others, I get down when I spend so long hardly seeing anyone outside of my family. That’s the reality of the winter – when I feel warm and I can see people when I go out, I feel like a different person.
But a bigger reason is that I’ve been allowing lots of negative and self-defeating thoughts to enter my mind and particularly because of the above situation, those thoughts have been finding fertile soil. Usually I shake it off pretty quickly and wasn’t going to share about any of this, but then I thought that it would be good for people to realize that we all struggle sometimes. People have often told me how positive and upbeat I am, but you know what? It doesn’t always come naturally, and sometimes I have to really work at it.
So what are some of those negative thoughts that were having free reign running through my mind? How lazy I am, unproductive, and not accomplishing anything with my life. Then from there I went on to think about how so many people in the world are able to motivate themselves to do something impressive with their life, and I’m not. And I won’t, because I don’t have all their strengths and I’m too busy and too tired. And too busy making excuses about how busy and tired I am when if I really tried, I could be doing more.
Then I went on to think how everyone else has so many friends and family that care about them, and I don’t. This has been exacerbated by the reality that my husband and I come from very small families with just one second cousin living in the same country as us, we’re living in a new community where we mostly know people in a casual way, and we’re making a bar mitva in a week and a half that will reflect that.
And yuck, look at how out of shape I’m getting. I haven’t exercised for a few weeks (since I use a dvd on the computer and dh is now using my computer all day long), and of course when I’m in this kind of mood I won’t count my daily half hour walk to get my littles from school or the fact that my stamina is better than it has been for a long time.
So this is kind of how the negative cycle in my mind sometimes sounds, usually most focused on not feeling like I’m accomplishing anything in my life and not so much the latter two issues. Basically grappling with my identity as a full-time mother. A few weeks ago I was at a reception when the grandmother of the honoree spoke, and she said something that I really appreciated hearing. She said that her children have often told her how accomplished she is, but to her, there’s nothing in her life that has been a bigger accomplishment than raising her children.
Afterwards I went over and thanked her, and told her I was struggling to find value in all that I do every day, since mothering isn’t recognized by the outside world at all. But this is really the area where I’m most invested at this stage of my life and where I’ll be invested for the foreseeable future. I told her that the messages from the outside that I needed to be making money or earning a name for myself in some public way sometimes find a foothold in my mind, and it’s hard to continually pat your own back and reassure yourself that what you’re doing is important. Particularly since I don’t think I’m doing such an outstanding job as a mother right now – I feel adequate, but not amazing (which is how I usually feel). Parenting is a long term project and there aren’t major milestones on a weekly or monthly basis that you can check off and know you’ve done well.
She told me she had a similar struggle since she has a sister who has a very successful career, and just being able to honestly speak to someone about this feeling I had, and to hear her validate it and share her own perspective from a lifetime of looking back at what was truly valuable, really was encouraging to me. This is the kind of message I need to periodically remind myself of when I’m getting too focused on the short term view.
What else do I find helpful in breaking the cycle of negative thinking? Writing a gratitude list – I’ve been doing this somewhat irregularly since I was 17, and have found it very valuable in keeping me focused on all of my blessings instead of what I lack. I also mentally make gratitude lists, but I don’t find this as effective – there’s something about writing things down that makes them register mentally at a deeper level.
I have to consciously fill my mind with positive thoughts at times like this, even when it’s the last thing I feel like thinking of. It’s like reprogramming my brain so it will automatically run good programs even when I’m not trying.
Can you identify with any of this? How have you resolved any of these feelings for yourself?
Avivah
Leave a Reply