Dd15 has been an amazing sport about her school experience this year, but to say it’s been far from ideal is to dramatically understate it. She’s been in the school’s most difficult class since their founding, and though there have been substantial efforts on the part of the administration to deal with the underlying issues, there haven’t been significant improvements.
So we’re now searching for another option for her for the coming year. The challenge is that in Israel, everything is very religiously polarized. I like the school she’s in now very much – the administration is charedi, but the student body is a mixture of girls from homes of different religiosity. There’s an openness and acceptance of the girls that I think is important, and I wish that there was a way she could continue there. But short of moving up or down a grade, that’s not a possibility.
Two different schools have been recommended: the first is a Bais Yaakov in Haifa, and the two teachers who know her best have both made this recommendation. It’s taken a week but I’ve been able to be in touch with the school and finally got a name and the direct extension of the person to talk to. Maybe tomorrow will be the lucky day I manage to reach that contact. 🙂 I’m not thrilled about dd having to commute so far daily (not to mention the significant added expense) but the recommendation of these teachers is something I value.
A neighbor who knows our family and this daughter well strongly recommended another school, and gave me a phone number for a teacher who works there. I called her tonight, then spoke to a parent who sent two daughters to this school, and I literally feel sick to my stomach. Dd15 and ds13 came into my room right after these calls and asked me why I looked so depressed.
You know why? Because I can’t stand the kind of attitudes I’m hearing, and the idea of having to put my child in a place where this considered normal and acceptable, and even desirable really disturbs me – namely the exclusive, judgmental, narrow minded attitude that being a good person means conforming to very narrow external guidelines. (I hope to write another post about this issue in depth, regarding bringing teenagers on aliyah and the cultural divide that you encounter between the American and Israeli approaches to being an Orthodox Jew.)
The teacher kept trying to to assess dd with questions like who the girls in her class are rather than answer my questions about the school, and though she was very pleasant, her comments all implied negative judgments of others that aren’t living according to a strict Israeli charedi definition of Judaism. One statement that was representative of the entire conversation was when she told me the school is unlikely to accept dd15 because dd17 uses the internet and might ‘corrupt’ her younger sister (without knowing a thing about dd17 and notwithstanding that dd15 doesn’t use the computer).
The mother who sent her daughters there was overflowing with praise for how wonderful the school is and how they only take good girls from the best homes. “What constitutes the best homes?” I ask. Families who are “keeping the house clean”, I’m told. Being that I like clarity rather than ambiguous statements like this, I ask what this means specifically. I wasn’t surprised at the answer – it was pretty much what I expected – but what I was dismayed about was what she told me right after that. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard the approach she was telling me was the norm, but I’m having a very, very hard time reconciling it with my idea of what it means to live a life of integrity as a Torah Jew.
Here’s what I mean. She said, if people have a computer, they keep it quiet. Me: “You mean, they lie when they are asked if they have a computer?” Her: “Yes.” But, she continued, “You’re not really lying. If your daughter doesn’t use the computer, then it’s like you don’t have a computer.” I said that approach would present me with a challenge to my sense of integrity. She said (and she’s not the first to tell me this): “Everyone does it. You’re living here now and you have to forget your ideas of how things work. You have to learn to play the game, say ‘yes’ to what everyone else says yes to, and then do what you want. It’s not about being truthful, it’s about what you believe in.” I was very subdued when I thanked her for her perspective and hung up.
Dd15 is a wonderful girl, and I think that any school would be lucky to get her. Really. (Her teacher at a meeting last week told me, meeting my older girls caused her to reevaluate her long held beliefs about education and parenting. Why? Because “the school system can’t and doesn’t produce girls like yours”.) She’d have no problem going along with all their rules, and her code of dress and behavior are already in line with what the school demands. She really wants to grow and have a religiously strong peer group. And it does sound like the school has a very warm and positive approach to Judaism and to the girls.
So what’s my problem? I feel very conflicted, because in so many ways we share the values of this school. And in so many ways, I want to run screaming as fast as I can in the other direction. Do I really have to deny my basic sense of honesty and decency to get my child into a good school? They say that in order to acclimate when you move here, you have to be willing to do what everyone around you is doing, but I like who I am, I like who my children are, and I think it would be a real loss to just go along with the crowd when I don’t see any benefits in terms of the long or short term results of that approach.
Tomorrow I’ll give this school a call and speak with them directly, and will probably go ahead and visit there for the sake of doing our research (unless they tell us our family isn’t ‘clean’ enough first). And I’ll call the other school (which is currently the only other option) and see about arranging a visit there. This entire process has meant tremendous inner conflict because there are substantial philosophical issues involved in making these choices that have long term impact, but I’m hopeful that we’ll find an option that will be a decent choice for dd.
Avivah
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