Over the years I was homeschooling, parents often told me that they could never do what I did. It’s just so hard to homeschool rather than sending your children to school, was the sentiment. It’s so much easier to let the teachers deal with them than to keep them with you all day.
For years, I told people that the idea that sending your kids to school was easier was a fallacy. That the more time you spend with your children, the more pleasant they are to be around, the more tuned in you are to each other, and a positive spiral is created. You want to create a negative spiral? Do the opposite.
Well, let me tell you, after over a year of having my children in school, I can tell you that I was right. It takes much, much more energy to raise your kids well when they’re in school all day. They come home tired and uptight, and you get to spend a portion of the time you have with your kids remediating the behaviors that they picked up during their school hours. Then once you’ve emotionally reclaimed them, you put them to bed, send them off to school, and get to start all over the next day. There’s just so much time spent putting out fires and doing damage control.
You want a lovely example of this? Two days ago I went to pick up ds5 from kindergarten. That particular day I happened to be alone – usually the baby is with me – so it was just the two of us walking together on a beautiful day. As we walked along, I said something innocuous, but it annoyed him. So he told me not to say that (no, he didn’t request), and then a minute later, said to me in a demanding voice in which he was clearly trying to provoke me, “Should I tell you to shut up?” Never, ever, have I had a child speak to me like this, and if it had happened, it would have happened once and that would have been the end of it. Though this was the first time that he ever said this, less than pleasant means of expressing himself are becoming too common, and the relationship has to shored up before any correction can be effectively employed. This is what I mean about having to spend time remediating negative behaviors.
Today ds5 and ds3 stayed home with me. Fridays are a busy time at but they were around as I did whatever I had to do – they put Yirmiyahu on the crawling track a couple of times, we read a couple of books, they shaped challah dough, and then the two of them took a bath together. I let them play in the tub for a while, and then they got dressed for Shabbos. While they were getting dressed, ds5 told me, “You’re a cute mommy”. Then he put it to a tune and started singing it again and again. Then he put it to partial Hebrew, ds3 started singing along with him, and then they started singing to each other how cute the other one was. So sweet!
Right now, ds5 is busy slicing up cucumbers for cucumber salad while I write. He’s been constructively busy all morning, and emotionally engaged in a positive way with me throughout this time. I didn’t hear one even slightly negative thing all day, no negative behaviors that are typical on school days – I’m the same parent , these are the same children – but the behavior is totally different from one day to the next, and the big difference is going to school versus staying at home.
Avivah
Thank you for this post! There are not very many Jewish homeschoolers in Denver and on tough days I start to wonder…am I fighting this battle for nothing? Is the grass greener on the other side? I am firmly convicted that I should be homeschooling, but being a lone duck swimming upstream can be very daunting. Thank you.
Thank you Avivah! It’s always good to be reminded of this extremely positive aspect of homeschooling. There are moments when the idea runs through my mind of how easy it would be to send them off and know they are being educated while I could put time into cleaning the house, cooking and spending more time with the toddler. I too never have my children talk back to me or really ever exhibit bad behavior. When sibling arguments come up, being so tuned into each other really helps us talk things out. Thank you for this little positive jolt to keep me going! Shabbat shalom!!
For the first two months I wasn’t homeschooling, I enjoyed the feeling of freedom of being able to keep my house in order so much more easily (it also helped that we moved overseas and in the process got rid of most of our stuff!), having nutritious meals ready for the kids when they got home from school every day, not feeling responsible to be the one overseeing all of the kids needs in every area. That feeling didn’t last long. 🙂
Been there, done that! This is SO on target. Time spent away from the safe harbor of home dilutes the family values and parental impact on the education and development of young people. AND I would say that this effect is amplified if a child leaves home prematurely, to live in a dormitory for the high school years.
Ugh, the high school dorm issue. I’ve been thinking lots about this since last fall, I wish there were better options here than sending kids so young away. A new high school is supposed to open here for the coming fall and I’m thinking about it; it would be very good to have ds13 home with us. At the same time, there are other issues that come up with that so it’s not so black and white.
I soooooo agree. The not rushing to get dressed,homework,uniforms….blah! Don’t miss it at all!
just curious to know what you think are the positives about going to school
I think I wrote about this in my post where I shared about why we aren’t currently homeschooling. 🙂
One nice thing is feeling like everyone else. Then again, that comes along with having the same quality family life as everyone else…
I read that post 🙂 but that was more about the reasons you chose to homeschool in israel (the language, integration, etc.) I’m wondering about school in general.
personally, i love the idea of homeschooling. the advantages are beautiful, but in reality I don’t think that I’ll homeschool my kids, so I was just wondering if there were actual advantages of sending to school versus homeschooling (other than feeling like everyone else)
Thanks Avivah you must have gotten my vibes- I’ve been waiting for a post like this!we took our family in a shabbaton and the rabbi/ administrator of the school was very negative about my homeschooling. He spent some time with the kids and at the end of shabbos he old me my kids were so special, they’re superstars! I used your line and said, they weren’t born that way. 😉 I can’t even imagine how different my kids would be if they went to school, let alone how different our relationship would be. I give you so much credit you have no idea. I don’t think I’ve ever had a homeschooling convo with anyone without mentioning you 🙂
I’d like to respectfully offer a different viewpoint. I love my kids, but I wouldn’t want to be around them 24/7. I truly believe that being apart from eachother while they’re at school is good for me and for them- there’s such a thing as too much togetherness, and I think some time apart each day makes the time we do spend together even better. My kids and I have a great relationship, but I don’t know if that would be true if we were together every minute of the day.
Thank you so much for feeling comfortable sharing this anecdote with us– we’ve been vacillating quite a bit over whether to have our kids in preschool when the time comes- although we are pretty sure we want to try to homeschool for the elementary years, we aren’t sure about preschool. I’ve heard different perspectives on this- some people say that kids in preschool want to follow their classmates to kindergarten, so better to avoid it if that’s an eventuality you aren’t interested in. Others say preschool is fun and harmless. Others say the early years are davka the most crucial time to be the primary mashpia on your kids….and this post certainly seems to confirm that in my mind (not that you aren’t the primary mashpia of course, but the prospect of doing so much damage control is, as you say, totally overwhelming.). Baruch Hashem I happen to be in the “love being with my kids a lot” camp (although I totally get Jennie’s perspective too!!) so that’s not a factor. Any thoughts? Thanks!
I’ll try to post a response to this soon, Shuli.
While I haven’t actually sent my son to school, I suspected much of what you wrote would happen. We are a homesteading, self employed family and I realized how silly it would be to put our lives on a public school schedule a long time ago. Not that it’s the reason we homeschool, but it’s certainly a factor in addition to what you’ve written.
After homeschooling my kids until 7th/8th grade, and having them both in high school now (living at home though), I remember those days with such fondness. Our lives were SO much simpler, the unity of our family was naturally stronger, and learning and living were interwoven. It is a struggle now to do things as a family as my daughter has school six days a week and mandatory melava malkas on top of that even. I often encourage my kids to hschool their kids until at least middle school.
Gena,I’m in Denver and you can get my contact info from Avivah if you like:)
blessings,
michelle
I sent Gena your contact info, Michal.
Hi, I struggle alot with chutzpadik talk from my kids and would love to know how you can stop it so that they wouldnt say it again, as you mentioned in your post.
Previously and currently still homeschooling, all my kids experienced school in Israel and I took them out after several months (school violence, boredom, negative culture, etc.) and am very happy about it. Had to deal with the Israeli education authorities, but I prevailed. I hope if you ever have to go through the same thing I did, that you too would prevail. I thought when you made aliyah to Israel, that you would be a great spokesperson for homeschooling, but I was very disappointed when you too jumped on the schooling train. Best of luck.
I’m glad you made the choice that is right for you, and I’m sorry that you’re disappointed that I’ve done what’s right for my children at this time.
just to throw this into the mix- i have found this to be even more the case with teenagers. i have my teens at home and LOVE the time with them. i truly believe that we have avoided so many of the pitfalls of what is considered “normal” teenage bad behaviour by having them at home during the day and as part of the family for their primary socialization rather than at school. it’s not a cure-all, but it’s been a wonderful thing for all of us!