We’ve had some kind of virus that’s knocking out almost everyone in our family, starting from about two weeks ago. It’s been taking a long time to clear – maybe because one person gets better and then the next person gets it!
One thing that it’s really brought home to me is how much daily stress is created by sending ds5 and ds3 to gan. Being home with sick kids isn’t something parents usually consider a fun time, but this past week that the two of them have been home sick has been the nicest I can remember in a long time. Dh agrees. It’s been a relief to be released from living according to someone else’s schedule, the rush in the morning to get them out on time, the rush to pick them up and them coming home tired and out of sorts.
At this point in my life I’m living with a significant amount of cognitive dissonance – that means that there are choices that I’m making that I’m consciously aware of not lining up with what I really want. One of these is having my littles in preschool and kindergarten. There were good reasons for these choices, but some of those reasons have shifted and become less compelling.
Dh said he’d really like ds3 to be home with me, effective immediately. I feel the same way but I really don’t want to tell his preschool teacher and the cheder administration that he’s not coming back. For one thing, this is the same teacher ds5 had last year (she was teaching four year olds then), and I pulled him out at the end of February. She’s a dedicated and excellent teacher who has done a great job – I have only positives to say – and I don’t want to insult her. And I also don’t want to become known as the flaky mom who puts her kids in a framework and then pulls them out when she feels like it. So my ego/social needs and my need for integrity in how I live my life are conflicting – I don’t want to be looked at in a certain way, I don’t want to make others uncomfortable.
Then there’s what I do want: to help my children develop all parts of themselves, to have a strong degree of family connectedness, to parent according to my ideals rather than my fears.
Actually, this is the same issue I faced when I began homeschooling over twelve years ago. At that time, I had three children in school (2nd grade, kindergarten, preschool) who were all doing very well. But I believed that they could be doing better out of the school framework. However, I was really afraid of making a choice that would position me to be seen by others as ‘different’. It was a huge decision that took a lot of courage, and one that I often looked back at as one I was glad I made, that made a huge difference in what our family became. It’s interesting to be faced with something so similar at this stage, and yet the factors are all so different. It’s these factors that cause me to question and doubt myself – a new culture, a new language, a religious identity that is determined to a large degree by your degree of communal conformity…it makes what seems like a familiar decision entirely new and different – and that brings with it fear of making the wrong choice and failing.
This year I’ve been trying to see if it’s possible to raise school kids with the traits of homeschoolers. I reasoned that my kids used to do academics in the morning and social stuff in the afternoon. So perhaps I could consider their school hours their social time, and the afternoons when they’re home as our ‘homeschooling’ time. So far it’s been pleasant, but it’s clear that homeschooling isn’t just about teaching in a more relaxed manner, or your kids pursuing their interests, or spending lots of relaxed time together. There’s also the negatives of school that aren’t affecting them, which takes a lot of energy to moderate. I’ve known this intellectually for many years, but now I’m experiencing it first hand.
There’s always something to think about, but it’s been really nice this week to just enjoy how things are without needing to make any choices.
Avivah
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