Today I went to see the local daycare center for children under the age of three with developmental delays. This is something that is repeatedly being strongly suggested to me for Yirmiyahu, so I decided to visit and see for myself what it was like.
In short – it was very nice. Nonetheless, Yirmiyahu will continue staying home with me.
After my visit, I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. I was trying to analyze what would be better for Yirmiyahu about being home, and as I mentally checked off the reasons I began feeling a lot of insecurity about my ability to give him what he needs. My mind starting running the tape of, ‘I’m so busy, I have so many people depending on me and there’s so much more I want to do for him than what I do. Maybe he’d be better off there.’
I have lots of reasons he wouldn’t be better off there – not just because he’s a very young baby who needs to be with his mother, but because I really do think he’ll get more at home with me, but this post isn’t about that. I don’t want to write about what the daycare doesn’t have or compare and contrast. What I want to share about is how extremely tired I felt when I got home from the daycare center.
At first I didn’t think much of this tiredness, but it was really overwhelming – I felt like I could hardly move. I kept wondering why I was so tired – it’s true I only got five hours of sleep last night, but that’s not so unusual. This tiredness was overwhelming and taking a step felt like lifting up a leg that was glued to the ground. After about an hour I realized – it was my thoughts about my visit to the daycare center and all the feelings of not being enough that were exhausting me.
This made me think of a couple of recent emails from readers with questions that were seemingly quite different, but the underlying sentiment was the same, that of feeling inadequate about some aspect of child raising. I may seem like I have all the answers from my platform on your computer screen, but I have these same doubts and fears sometimes. A child psychologist told me that guilt is a feeling that is universal to parents, so that means we’re all in good company when we get into self-doubt.
So what can we do about it? I was able to shift out of this within a couple of hours, once I took the first step. For me, the first step is recognizing my thoughts for what they are. Those thoughts are usually coming from a place of making unrealistic demands of myself, while simultaneously not validating what I do. It’s so easy to slip from a healthy desire to be the best person you can be, to being a perfectionist who can’t see her accomplishments and nothing less than 100% is worth anything. Not a good place to be.
Sure, there’s always more that I could do. I could do things to be a better mother, wife, self. I could be more disciplined, be more emotionally present, be more physically present, yadda yadda yadda. But right now I’m doing the best I can with what I have. Feeling guilty that I’m not more than I am isn’t going to make me a better person. Actually, it does the opposite – these kind of thoughts drag you down and suck all your positive energy right out of you. Today I had to consciously remind myself of what I do for Yirmiyahu, and to value it as being enough. Interestingly but not surprisingly, the heavy feeling of tiredness shifted once I started thinking differently.
Parents, look at all the good things you do in the course of a week for your child. Okay, sometimes you drop the ball, you yell or are impatient. You’re exhausted and spent and you feel like you’re failing your child. No, you’re not. You’ve just lost sight of who you are and what you do, you’ve let the true beautiful you become obscured by stinking thinking! We all do this. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not do everything right all the time – in short, it’s okay to be human.
Avivah
Perfect timing for me with this post Avivah! Being due any day now, with my three girls home, homeschooling reports due etc. etc. etc. I’ve been again questioning my ability to educate and provide emotionally for everyone. Dinners have turned into veggie burgers and rice and beans, homeschool lessons have consisted of playing in the sprinkler and My nine year old has taken to giving baths and entertaining the other two and cleaning/straightening up. Not doing good enough seems to pound my brain relentlessly. Thank you for your optimism and encouragement. Thinking of you and yor family.
Tova
Veggie burgers and rice and beans sounds well balanced and nourishing.
Your kids are getting lots of healthy outdoor play, soaking in the vitamin D from the sun, bonding with each other and creating beautiful memories of their childhood.
Your oldest daughter is learning to help out and see that she’s an important part of the family. This shouldn’t be her role forever and it won’t be. There are times in life in which we ask more of our kids for short periods than would be acceptable in the long term, and that’s okay. Soon things will shift and you’ll have more energy to do the things you want to be doing, and she’ll do less.
So what’s the reality? Same situation, different interpretations. Fortunately, we get to choose our interpretations. it’s just hard when our negative inner voice doesn’t seem to shut up and drowns out everything else.
Parenting – the work of a lifetime!
Bshaah tova – may your birth be smooth and easy. Looking forward to hearing your good news – please keep me posted.
Really perfect timing! I have felt so far behind on everything lately I just have lost all motivation to ever catch up. You are 100% right that it’s easier to see what still needs to be done than what we have already been doing. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
When I feel like this, depending on the situation, I either:
a) Realize I’m getting burnt out and more than anything I need a break. Then I make time for myself in whatever way feels right.
and/or
b) I do one tiny action. Let’s say the dishes are filling the sink and I can’t even think of doing them. I’ll stack them neatly, or wipe down the counter or even something smaller. It’s giving myself permission to do one thing instead of everything else, and that takes the mental pressure off. That helps break the impasse that I got into and shifts things in a better direction. Usually I go on to do other things, but not from a feeling of obligation but from desire. And if I don’t do anything, it’s just as okay.
I think it’s especially true with parenting because we want so much to do our best and to give our kids everything they need and everything we want for them. It’s impossible to be as good a parent as we want to be, at least for me. I have two children in school, two still at home, and another on the way. I worry that the ones in school would be better off if I hoemschooled them. I worry that the ones at home aren’t getting enough stimulation and socialization and would be better off in preschool. I worry that the one on the way will be neglected or cause me to neglect the other four. We care so much that we can’t help seeing where we’re not perfect, but we need to remember what we’re doing right.
I often think that we are our worst enemies…look at the thoughts that get into our heads, pull us down and keep us down.
Much needed 🙂
Congratulations!
I have nominated your blog for the Best Moment Award.
More about this nomination is at
http://bluehyacinthoperetta.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/best-moment-award-a-special-albeit-belated-thank-you-to-dear-kitty/
so, it turns out that being nominated is actually the same as winning it, and once you win it, you get to present it to other people. i hope you’ll enjoy it, and i wish i could give you a zillion ‘best moment’ awards- because that’s what your blog gives me! take care- julie
Julie, this is so sweet! I’m really touched by the nomination and your comments. Thank you so much!