Yesterday I took some of my boys to the local homeschooling park meet. I don’t usually go because it is so exhausting for me to get a very tired five year old home on the bus afterward. And the tiredness isn’t just in my head – I went to bed before 9 and didn’t wake up until 6 am!

Anyway, when we got on the bus on the way home, my twelve year sat with the five year old in the back, and my nine year old sat next to me in the seat close to where there’s a space for strollers. I appreciated this one on one time with him, as he leaned against me and shared with me the storyline in the book he had just started reading. It was a really nice time of connection with him.

After a while, a woman with a stroller got on, and though we both would have enjoyed continuing to sit together, I told my son it would be a nice thing to get up and offer his seat to her. Though this wasn’t expected, it’s important to me that my children learn to be considerate and aware of others.

He willingly got up and before he had even moved away, the woman was already sliding into his spot, oblivious to his presence.

Have you ever regretted doing something nice for someone because of their unpleasant response? That was my feeling at that moment, and my first thought was to be critical of how self-centered and entitled she seemed.

I have no idea why she was so abrupt and dismissive in her body language. Maybe she was distracted, maybe she was thinking about something else, maybe she expected to have the seat and didn’t feel thanks were in order. I don’t know about what she was or wasn’t thinking.

But I know when I feel any negativity toward someone else, I benefit when I first check in with myself. Have I been responsible for my part of this interaction? And the answer in this case was, no. I recognized that my choice was to stew in silence or I could respectfully communicate, and if I were to say nothing, I would be making the choice to be resentful.

So I smiled at her and said, “You know, my son was happy to give you his seat, and though it’s not necessary, I’m sure he’d appreciate if you acknowledged him.”

She looked startled, as if just that second she realized that she was sitting in a seat vacated for her, said, ‘Oh, of course!’ and then got out her cell phone and made a call.

About five minutes later she finished her phone conversation, looked around and asked, “Where is that cute kid?” I pointed out my son, and she thanked him for giving her his seat. That was a nice bonus. He wasn’t expecting it and I wasn’t expecting it.

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For most of my life, when people would do things that would bother me I would feel my only role was to feel insulted, offended, wounded, or to ignore them. It wasn’t my problem, right? After all, I wasn’t the person being rude or obnoxious or irritable.

But now I’ve realized that I need to be honest with myself and with others, and if I haven’t done that, then I have no right to be annoyed by them. It’s unfair of me to be resentful with someone else for what goes on in my own head.

It’s nice that this woman ended up thanking my son, but it didn’t look like that was what was going to happen.  How would I have felt if she hadn’t thanked him? Once I had respectfully stated my truth, I was okay with whatever she did or didn’t do.

It’s a small choice in the moment but it’s amazing how taking that small action and speaking up made a huge difference in my feeling about her and myself!

Avivah