October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month and I’d like to share about a call I received this afternoon.
The call was from a grandmother of a new baby with Trisomy 21. The baby’s parents want to give him up for adoption (it would probably be long term foster care) because the father says he is too sensitive for a child like this. Currently the parents are at home and the week old infant is in the hospital.
She is very unhappy with their position and has unsuccessfully tried to convince them to keep the baby. The parents aren’t yet open to speaking to anyone, so I let her know that if some point they want to speak or come visit and meet our boys, I’d be happy to do that.
The last time I spoke to a grandmother in this situation was two years ago, Baby M’s grandmother. One thing I gained from that very painful and drawn out situation that left me feeling like part of my heart was ripped out, was the increased ability to detach emotionally and release judgments of those choosing to give up their child with Down syndrome.
I told the grandmother that anything I tell her about having a child with T21 is preaching to the choir – we’re in agreement. If you’re wondering some of what I might say, here are a couple of past posts:
What I would tell new parents of a baby with Down syndrome
Questioning reasons for giving up a baby with Down syndrome
Things we did to help our baby with Down syndrome thrive
What I feel is most important is not to try to convince these parents, who are right now in a state of shock and confusion. They need time and support to feel all of their feelings and to know that all feelings are allowed. They are understandably afraid of the unknown and overwhelmed.
As a foster mother who was blessed to bring home a newborn with T21, I can’t tell you how much compassion I have for these parents. I sometimes think of the trauma that Rafael’s birth parents experienced and the difficult emotions that must continue to be part of their lives, whether repressed or expressed. When parents give up a baby, the baby is gone but the emotions aren’t.
It’s hard to listen to people you love contemplating taking actions that you don’t support and can’t condone. But that’s what these parents need most right now – someone to really listen to them without judgment and without telling them what to do.
Only when they feel truly heard will they be able to listen to and consider any other information or perspectives. Does that mean at that point that they will agree with the grandmother’s perspective and keep the baby? No.
We don’t listen to people with the intention to get them to do what we want. We listen to them because we care about their feelings and want them to be truly heard.
Even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard.
Avivah
