Last week I attended the foster care roundtable, the purpose of which was supposedly to share constructive feedback with those in charge as to how they could better support foster families.

That’s not what it ended up being. During the intro we were told that we were chosen to represent 300 families, we were all known to be extremely dedicated foster parents and if there was something that concerned us, it was likely it was an issue for many other people. Then discussion then opened by asking about emotional responses parents had to different situations.

After listening to several people respond and then having it turned around and blamed on them, I lost all desire to contribute.

Then someone said exactly what I was thinking, that we were invited to give feedback and this conversation wasn’t aligned with what we had come for.

That person was told it was too bad she misunderstood the purpose of the evening.

We were the first to leave, and the person leading the session thanked me for participating. I probably should have continued to keep my mouth shut as I had done all night, but that comment was ridiculous and irritating to me, since I hadn’t participated at all. And I said as much.

“Oh, what a shame you didn’t say something until now!” This was exactly the kind of response that had been upsetting me all evening. Someone says something, and it’s turned around and blamed on them. And once again I should have kept my counsel but didn’t.

“Excuse me, but there are ten people here. I facilitate groups, and it’s not hard to see in a group this size that two of the ten people here haven’t contributed all night. A participant shouldn’t have to tell  you that!”

I was thinking a lot more than that, but even so I regretted saying anything since productive communication doesn’t usually happen when I’m feeling out of sorts.

Later I spent quite a bit of time thinking about if it was worthwhile to share my impressions, and when two days later my social worker solicited my feedback, I shared the relevant points to be considered when planning a future event of this sort.

By that time I was feeling much more understanding of the facilitator, because, as I told the social worker, it’s hard to hear feedback. It’s very understandable to feel resistance to feedback that isn’t positive, to justify your actions and choices, and to minimize and even invalidate the concerns being expressed.

After all, haven’t I as a parent done that plenty of times???

I tell my kids I want their feedback, but do I really want to hear the negatives, or would I rather hear the tell me what a wonderful life they have, thanks to me, the most amazing mother in the world? 🙂 🙂 Seriously, they can give me very kind and gentle feedback periodically, and I’ll try to integrate the suggestions.  Kind, gentle and periodic. I’m not too receptive otherwise.

I also try to remember how hard it is to accept constructive feedback when I give my kids feedback. It’s so easy as adults to feel the need to constantly correct our children, but can we realistically expect them to hear, much less integrate, all our suggestions and comments and directives throughout the day?  I think I would tune out for my own self-protection if someone was constantly telling me all the things I should be doing better.

Wouldn’t you?

Avivah