Monthly Archives: June 2019

Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

He did. 

I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

IMG-9294

Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

Avivah

Get out into nature – stop making excuses and just do it!

homeschooling, parenting, , ,

Exactly a year ago, we bought a car and one of my intended purposes was to get my kids to these spots that aren’t accessible without private transportation.

There’s no question it made my life easier in a number of ways, but getting into nature?

It only took me a year to do that.

Sometimes I mentally make too big a deal of something and then as a result I procrastinate. Sometimes for a very, very long time!

In this case, I told tell myself I needed a big block of time. I needed the weather to be perfect. I needed to be well-rested, the kids needed to be well-rested. They needed to have finished their reading and math and for the house to be left perfectly clean. And the laundry had to be hung before I went out.

No surprise that all the stars in my sky never lined up, right?

And I didn’t go anywhere.

Finally last week I realized I was making it way too complicated and hard. Getting out with the kids into nature was important to me, so I asked myself what would make it easy to do. I realized that going out first thing in the morning would be the best option for me. Otherwise, my day gets filled up very fast with other things that need doing. The urgent things very quickly crowd out the deeply important things, because the important things don’t claim the limelight.

Earlier in the day is also when I have the most energy; by the time the afternoons roll around I’m tired and just want to do as little as possible!

I told my ten and eleven year olds to quickly grab water bottles and anything else they want to taken if they wanted to come with me on an outing. At 8:30 in the morning we were out of the house (along with my husband, who happened to be home sick – I convinced him he would feel better if he went with us :)).

Fifteen minutes later we were driving up the mountain of a national park. I pulled into the second play area that I saw, and I really didn’t have any agenda of how we would use our time. My only limitation was that we would stay just two hours since it was a very spontaneous outing (I thought of it about 7:15 that morning) and I had other things scheduled that I needed to be back for.

In any case, in the spirit of keeping it simple and easy to do again, having a two hour window was a good thing.

The boys brought their readaloud and interestingly, the first thing they did was ask my husband to read to them. (They’re reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. As we drove past a farm on our way, one son commented, it’s like ‘The King’s Lettuce!’ and we all knew what he meant. I love how reading together gives us common references! )

My husband reading out loud with the boys
My husband reading out loud with the boys

Ds11 is definitely a child who enjoys movement. Can you spot him listening to the book in the picture below?

british park reading 2

Other than the swing that was there, they didn’t use any of the play equipment. It was nice to see that they were equally happy to hike around and to sit together, reading comics and doing brain benders.

(By the way, do you know how wonderful it is to have a child who has struggled with reading say, ‘Reading is fun! Can we get a membership to the library?” And then go the library on his own, get a membership and check out the books that he took with us. I heard his younger brother, who is also a late reader, reading with him and asking him what sounds a couple of the letters make. Learning happens all the time, especially when we aren’t looking or trying to make it happen. Every child on his own timeline.)

british park 4

My husband thanked me for encouraging him to come, and several times commented how much better he was feeling. Of course! Fresh air and sunshine are natural healers – how can you not feel better outside?!?

To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed! Doesn't he look like he's feeling better here?
To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed!

I wonder sometimes if when we get sick, if our bodies are forcing us to slow down since we don’t proactively make opportunities for relaxation?

My husband went off on a mini hike with ds11, who particularly enjoyed the challenge of walking over a fallen, partially suspended log.  While he was off in the woods, I took the opportunity to sit under a tree and read. That was after I had gone off on my own for a while for some time to breathe.

Yes, I know we all breathe all the time but it’s different when I can consciously allow myself to slow down inside and just be in the moment. That’s something that I find very, very centering. Since living in alignment with my values is so important to me on a daily basis, it’s critical to have that quiet space to stay in touch with my inner compass.

british park a

It’s a wonderful feeling when you do something that is deeply resonant with your personal priorities. We all enjoyed every minute, and I am very much want to schedule more of these opportunities into our days! It’s not easy for me to do, but it’s not as hard as I’ve made it seem to myself, either. Mostly it’s a matter of scheduling it in as a priority and working the smaller things in around it.

It’s amazing how relaxing just two hours can be for everyone when we’re in the beautiful outdoors!

So my message to you – keep it simple and just do it! Don’t get into the mental trap that I slipped into.

Whenever you can, however you can, get outdoors. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, you don’t have to have tons of food packed, you don’t have to leave your house neat, you don’t have to find the perfect location.

Really, keep it simple or you’ll find a zillion excuses to keep you from getting outdoors!

Avivah

(PS -since I know someone will ask 🙂 –  this was at British Park.)

Getting the kids outside this summer!

homeschooling, parenting,

I was caught by surprise when I realized that school will be ending really soon and somehow the summer is already upon us!

What am I planning for the summer?

Right now I have no plans for camp for anyone. As positive an experience as I think camp can be, I want our kids to enjoy the freedom of waking up when their bodies are ready (my six year old leaves the house at 7:10 and my 13 year old leaves just ten minutes after that) and having lots of unstructured time for them to fill, in as relaxed and leisurely a way that they want to.

You know the old fashioned way that kids used to play? Outside for hours and hours? That’s what I want to encourage. I’m so appreciative that in Israel there’s more of an outdoor culture than in the US, but nonetheless, getting your kid outside for extended periods of time isn’t a given even here.

Here’s some of what I’m planning for:

Bike riding – We’ve gotten ds10’s bike tires pumped up and filled with a material that makes the tires resistant to being popped by thorns. Last week we bought ds11 a new bike (well, to be accurate, we bought it with him since he paid for almost half of the cost himself).  We did a check to be sure everyone’s helmet was in good condition, and replaced the one that wasn’t.

Swimming – Last year due to renovations we didn’t set up our pool, but this year the boys have already got it set up! I’m waiting on the arrival of one replacement pole and then we’ll move full steam ahead to getting it filled up and in use. There’s nothing like getting in the pool on a regular basis to improve swimming skills – and most importantly – it’s fun! Fun is when all kinds of learning happens.

These pools aren’t expensive – the one we bought used in the US was something like $50. I got a new one in Israel on sale for 700 shekels (4.5 meters long x 2.2 meters wide), and then bought the upgraded filter since the one that came with it was pretty much useless. Cheaper than even a few weeks of day camp for the boys (here the cost runs about 900 shekels for three weeks per child), and it makes our home a more inviting place to spend time in and to have friends over.

I haven’t discovered the secret to making my home the preferred hangout of my kids and their friends, which I think is a good thing. But having fun stuff to do is definitely helpful.

Playgrounds – There are so many playgrounds in our city that I haven’t ever set foot in! A couple of weeks ago we visited one my kids had been asking about for months, and had a great time. We usually stick to the parks closest to home, so I’m planning to venture out and get to know other parks and playgrounds this summer.

Nature exploration – Our area is a short drive from some very beautiful natural areas. What I want is to get the kids out in the sum, in the forests, in the shade, climbing over rocks and tree branches, balancing on logs and getting filled up with the quiet of being in nature.

The book Last Child in the Woods, by Richard Louv, is a wonderful reminder of how important it is for children (and all of us!) to be outside. As childhood moves increasingly in the direction of being sedentary, solitary and dominated by screens, it becomes a conscious effort for a parent to get the kids moving, outdoors and connecting with others.

It’s worth it, though. Play outside is so healthy and so beneficial in so many ways. Developmentally, socially, emotionally…there are so many ways kids stand to gain by putting aside all the structured activities and giving them a chance to be bored, to find new interests and explore the world around them.

Play is how children learn best and the more we can encourage that play, the more they will learn! From a homeschooling perspective, I’ve believed this for many years. When my son with Trisomy 21 was born and I jumped into research about the developmental needs of kids with special needs, I was delighted to found that play continues to be the way to go.

So there you have it, my very simple and basic summer plans! Low key, low cost, low pressure.

While this will be supplemented by indoor activities, maybe a few trips, stuff like that – this is really where my focused intent for the summer will be.

Avivah

3 beliefs that bring me comfort in hard times

personal development

Though I periodically ask G-d to please help me appreciate what I have and to grow closer to Him from a place of abundance and gratitude rather than pain and scarcity, I know I’m asking for the impossible. Because honestly, there’s nothing like experiencing pain, either big or small, to force you to grow in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

Believe me, I’m not idealizing pain. I’ve gone through situations that were so gut wrenchingly agonizing that I shudder at the mere thought of having to experience anything like that again. Yes, I grew a lot from those challenges that were more difficult than I thought I had the capacity to deal with.

Looking back I can appreciate that. But I can’t and won’t idealize pain.

Various people have shared their overwhelming feelings of challenge with me recently, and feeling alone and unsupported has made each situation many times worse. I can only share several beliefs that have been helpful for me to lean on in tough times:

  • Everything comes from G-d.
  • G-d loves me more than I can imagine.
  • Everything G-d does is for my ultimate good and it is good right now even though I can’t see it.

Knowing that G-d is behind it all and is there for me keeps me from feeling alone even in situations where people aren’t showing up in the way I would like, whether in my personal life or in the wider global community.

Someone told me that it’s a struggle for her to hear any mention of G-d, and I understand that. Don’t think I was smilingly thanking G-d for my big challenges! I actually had a tremendous amount of anger that I suppressed and it wasn’t until several years later that I realized that I had pushed this under the metaphorical carpet rather than confront my feelings of abandonment by G-d.

It wasn’t until I was able to be honest with myself about later on and express that anger, that I could move on to the next stage of resolution. (Guess what? G-d is big enough to handle your anger.) When I let the feelings of betrayal out, I made room for the positive feelings of trust to come in.

Now it’s much easier for me to feel in my heart, not just think in my head, that G-d loves me and wants me to have an awesome life. (This isn’t a static awareness – I constantly come back to these above points and remind myself of them!)

For me, to feel that life is randomly throwing curve balls at me seems senseless and cruel. Knowing there’s a purpose in whatever happens and that everything comes from a place of love is reassuring and something I come back to again and again when I feel troubled.

Avivah