This week I had a very frustrating meeting with the staff at my two year old son’s daycare. For thirty minutes, we all discussed his poor outcome for this past year and all agreed he needs something very different for the coming year.
What upset me was a concluding statement.
Even though he hasn’t done well in this framework, I was strongly urged to send him for the rest of the summer because ‘it’s better than nothing’.
Putting aside the implication that being at home is the same as doing nothing, and also putting aside the clearly demonstrated fact that he did much better when exclusively at home – why is there so much resistance to allowing a two year old a summer break to do nothing?
Our society is losing its way. We are moving towards non-stop movement, faster and harder and do more, at younger and younger ages. As we adults do this to ourselves, we’re doing the same to our kids and the biggest problem is that we think it’s not only okay but desirable.
A couple of weeks ago, I spent two days at the Sea of Galilee. It takes time when getting to a quiet spot to let the stillness seep inside, but if you give it enough time you’ll gradually feel your inner wrinkles unfolding and smoothing out. I cherish these long blocks of unscheduled time to recenter, to get in touch with what matters most to me, in order to build my best, most meaningful life.
When I came back from the two day retreat, I shared some of the thoughts that gelled during my time away with my husband. That led to a really long, thoughtful conversation. My husband commented, “I’m always amazed when we have enough quiet time to talk at the things we can get clarity on!”
That’s the power of inner quiet for one’s self. Followed by quiet space for a couple.
But what about our kids?
It’s getting progressively more difficult to find quiet in our world of non-stop stimulation. Especially for kids, whose lives are becoming packed with school and extracurricular activities.
Maybe it’s because we can’t see all that is happening inside when a child is bored that we don’t appreciate it. We want to see and quantify the benefits our children experience, but the benefits of boredom aren’t immediately apparent.
When we take away the space for our children to be unscheduled, we also take away the opportunity for them to find the quiet inside themselves.
Boredom is where intrinsic motivation begins.
Boredom is first base for discovering interests that may – or may not – turn into passion.
Boredom is the seed that creativity sprouts from.
Daydreaming, staring into space, lying in bed gazing at the ceiling – something is happening inside even if we don’t see it.
They start thinking more deeply. They start feeling more deeply. They start getting in touch with themselves, with their likes and dislikes, with their internal worlds. They develop their imaginations. They build confidence as they are allowed agency over important parts of their lives.
The more you entertain your kids to keep them from feeling bored, the less able they become to manage themselves. They will need more and more outside support to keep themselves busy as they get older, not less.
I want my children to take responsibility for filling their own time – I’m around and available to talk and interact with, but I’m not the activity director. My child’s boredom isn’t my problem to solve – it’s his.
In my house, if you tell me you’re bored chances are I will very quickly offer you something to do – sweeping the floor or washing dishes is usually my first offer. I don’t usually make many other suggestions. Amazing how quickly they decide they can find something that will interest them more!
Now is when I’m supposed to wow you with the impressive list of accomplishments of my kids thanks to their boredom. You know, the businesses they built, the money they earned, the prodigies they became. Um, no.
Because even if they did all that (they didn’t), that’s not the point. The reason to let your kids be bored isn’t because they’ll do lots of awesome things once they start to direct their own time. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.
The reason to let your kids be bored is to give them a chance to just be, without any pressure or obligation. Lots of good things flow from ‘nothing’!
Give your child the gift of boredom. He deserves it.
Avivah
Great post! (Loved the title) and I could not agree more. About a year ago, I listened to a talk given by designer and painter Paula Scher. She made an interesting observation. She said that her education came more from the era 1960s that she grew up in than from her art schooling. Someone then asked her how a person nowadays would gain or lose from growing up in this era. Her response was, that with the invention of smartphones she finds less time for her mind to relax and be “bored”. Unfortunately, it’s those moments of boredom that are often what actually Sparks some of her most creative ideas.
Hi, Shoshana, it was so nice to meet you today!
Lol about the title, I changed it from the one suggested. 🙂 One has to be true to oneself!
Thank you for sharing this idea! I completely agree, that so much genius has been nurtured by boredom and allowing the mind to explore.
Your comment about what a person gains from growing up in today reminds me of a question my eleven year old son recently asked me. He said, is there anything good about nowadays? It seems like there were so many things better a long time ago! I told him, yes, today we have very easy and comfortable lives and that is a blessing but we also have to be aware of the challenges so we navigate as effectively as we can. I think we have to be a lot more conscious to create opportunities for natural growth that were an intrinsic part of day to day living for many generations.
A few months ago I hung up a hammock in our backyard. We had the hammock for years unused and I was feeling like doing something handy involving ropes and knots so I hung it up.
The kids were pretty interested in it and I figured, like most things in a kid’s life, they would be really into it for a week or so, and then get bored of it and it would be hardly used and I’d take it down.
But interestingly, they haven’t gotten “bored” of it at all. All my kids use it constantly when they’re around. They just lie in it by themselves gently swinging, in some sort of meditative state. Sometimes for an hour or more.
I don’t know if this would happen for other people and their kids, but it’s been quite remarkable for us.
I can so picture that, Naomi!
I don’t have a hammock but I do have a swing in my garden, and I’ve found it amazing how much time my 11.5 and 13 year olds spend using it. I often see them out there for long periods of time, just swinging. There’s something calming and relaxing about it and I love that they have that.
I sometimes picture my 11.5 year old in school and cringe at the thought of him behind a desk for many hours. He’s an amazing kid, well behaved and loves learning and all that, and he also loves action. Here at home he finds ways to use that energy and is very well-modulated emotionally. No one has ever hinted at any hyper tendencies or anything like that (though that’s common feedback for very active kids); I’m sure our trampoline (which he also uses daily for long periods) and swing are a big part of giving him healthy outlets for his energy.
Kids know what they need and instinctively seek it out.
LOL I also give my kids those “activity” choices when they complain that they’re bored.
I agree with this entire post except for the word “boredom.” I think “inactivity” is more like it. “Bored” implies antsy, unsettled, uninterested children who aren’t happy with the fact that they have nothing to do. That does not breed anything other than kvetchiness. It’s the relaxed state of inactivity that leads to kids coming up with all kind of creative ideas. Boredom may or may not lead to that state of inactivity, but it’s not actual boredom that I wish upon my kids. Boredom can also occur during an activity that doesn’t interest them.
Otherwise, great post!
That’s a valid point, Malky. How does a person get to a relaxed state of inactivity? Isn’t boredom often a part of that process?
I used the word boredom because parents tend to be scared of their kids being bored, as if it’s a bad thing in and of itself. It’s not – it’s uncomfortable but it’s not bad, if a person learns to go beyond that. Which they can’t learn if they aren’t allowed to be bored!
Your last point that the bored times are valuable in themselves, even if kids didn’t produce anything that is conventionally considered an accomplishment, is a great one. Something to think about.
One of the main things I miss from childhood is the summer period. And I feel like such a crazy radical counter-cultural hippy when I think, does world really need to keep on going throughout the summer? Why can’t summer vacation be more common for adults? Now, I get that yes certain fields can’t just take a vacation. But in general, the default should be some sort of real break even for adults.
Hi, Mushky, thanks for your comment!
I wrote that point you referred to almost as an afterthought but it fits into the hyperfocus that parenting has become – that kids need to almost prove themselves with some kind of accomplishment rather than just be allowed to be.
It’s kind of sad that it’s become countercultural to want what used to be the norm not very long ago. I think of my summers thirty years ago, and I want that again now – my memories are of the adults sitting around together more, taking walks after dinner, just generally going much slower.
Who knows, maybe in thirty years my kids will be nostalgic for the slow pace of life they grew up with!
I love this post. I recently was sent a similar post by a friend, so it must be an important topic for this day and age!
So after reading this post earlier today, I mentioned to my kids that I read this article about being bored, and how its such a good thing to “do”, because it helps us come up with great ideas. They like “great ideas” a lot. So we scheduled in “being bored time” (I know it’s counter-intuitive, but my kids need me to identify time) and we had such a great, relaxing afternoon where they were independently creative and calm. Thank you =)
Hi, Liat,
It must be the summer that makes it a more interesting and relevant topic for parents!
I love how you took off with the basic idea and implemented it in your own way – awesome!