Monthly Archives: May 2022

A beautiful bar mitzva! Photos and updated family pic

parenting

What a busy, beautiful weekend of family celebration, in honor of our newest bar mitzva boy!

Silly brothers pic
My mom with the bar mitzva boy
Our oldest son with his family
Our oldest daughter with her family
Our second daughter and her family
Our newest couple – our second son and his wife
With nephews

I appreciate that the photographer took a lot of spontaneous pictures.

Me with our two youngest boys and two granddaughters
My mom with her youngest great-grandson
My youngest daughter with my youngest granddaughter

It’s not easy to get a picture of a large group of people, and it’s basically impossible to get a picture without someone blinking or moving. And with late afternoon temps in the 90s, tired children….everyone did great!

Our greatest blessing in life – our family.

It was a lot of work cooking and baking and organizing, but I had so much sincere enjoyment that it didn’t seem so significant.

This week’s Torah portion was the third longest in the entire Torah – my last son had a double parsha, and this parsha was more than twice as long as the double parsha!

This bar mitzva boy is a late reader, but he not only prepared the entire parsha, but the haftarah as well. Many people commented to me on how confident he was, that his reading was clear, loud and accurate. He was consistent and persistent in his preparations, and we are all so proud of him!

His reading took an entire hour. Literally. It was really, really long. Afterwards, he told me he felt a bit sad that it was over, and he was sorry he hadn’t read the haftarah more slowly to enjoy it even more. He’s already planning to prepare some of the Torah reading for an upcoming week!

He’s a wonderful young man and it’s been gratifying watching him grow up.

I’m feeling quite a bit of poignancy, some bittersweet feelings. This was the last of three bar mitzvas in just a little over three years, and it will be a few years until the next one. They really do grow up so fast….

Avivah

Formula shortages and formula options

frugal strategies, health, nutrition, parenting

A few weeks ago there began to be a shortage of formula in the US, a situation that has reached what some officials have called a ‘crisis situation’.

Baby formula is in dramatically short supply, with many stores locking up the formula, limiting it to one per customer, or the stock in the stores simply not there. Parents of babies who need formula are having to drive far distances, pay exorbitant online prices to opportunist sellers – or do without.

As a mother of 11 who has been deeply committed to breastfeeding, I nonetheless have experienced the challenge of not being able to nurse two of my babies. I nursed my tenth child, who had a weak sucking reflex, for four months, while simultaneously pumping for several hours a day to keep my supply up. I finally gave up when despite all my efforts, I couldn’t produce the milk he needed. (I later realized that the two pumps I had borrowed were faulty and that was the source of the problem, but in my exhausted state and with very limited community resources, I couldn’t access other options.)

I turned to formula, trying different kinds while also looking for goats’ milk and mothers’ milk donors, for the most part without success. Finally, after five months we found a formula he could tolerate, that was only available by medical prescription and cost over 1000 shekels a month.

When my eleventh child came into our lives via the legal system, I began seeking out mothers’ milk donors before he even arrived home. I was then living in the center of the country, and access to community resources was dramatically different. Like his brother before him, he couldn’t tolerate regular formula. For the first two years, we were blessed to be able to give him mother’s milk for all but two months (a week here, a week there, when the donor milk couldn’t be found), and for those in-between times we supplemented with a medical prescription formula. I later donated the many unused cans we had purchased to a mother in financial need whose child used that specialty formula. I was so grateful to have the resources that I needed to keep him healthy.

When I think of these desperate mothers seeking food for their babies, it’s heartbreaking. I once ran out of formula due to logistics in prescription/purchasing rules (those have since changed) and we ended up in the emergency room on Shabbos as a result.

These mothers need options. While breastfeeding is wonderful and I fully support it, it’s not an option for everyone. It’s disturbing for me to see commentators – especially men – suggesting that if mothers would be breastfeeding they wouldn’t be in this situation.

Many women physically can’t produce milk no matter how much they try, due to illness or physical challenge on the side of the mother or baby; there are foster/adoptive parents/grandparents raising children that they didn’t give birth to.

I do believe that steps will be taken to to increase formula production and hopefully this will be a short-lived crisis. In the interim, parents need help. If you are a nursing mother and know someone struggling with the formula shortage, perhaps you can offer to help out by pumping. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to the tens of mothers who kept our youngest nourished and healthy thanks to their donations. Or if you see formula in your stores, buy it to donate to someone else who can’t find it. Or share the below information for how to make their own.

How did people feed their infants in the days before commercially produced formula was available? Hiring a wet nurse was a common practice, but in cultures that didn’t have that practice, parents made their own. Here’s are two recipes for formula that are nutritionally complete that were published in Nourishing Traditions; one is dairy and one is meat based. Goat milk is an excellent replacement for mother’s milk, though it needs to be supplemented with vitamin B12 and folate. Many of our elders who were bottle-fed were raised on evaporated milk mixed with Karo syrup; here is a simple emergency formula replacement recipe using evaporated milk, as well as an excellent explanation for why evaporated milk is a better option than regular milk. **Disclaimer: of course every parent needs to verify with their medical professionals that the option they are considering is appropriate for their child.**

Hopefully this situation will quickly be resolved. In the meantime, parents can look to alternative solutions and feel empowered knowing they have the tools to keep their babies fed and happy.

Avivah

My father-in-law’s passing and musings about memories we leave behind

parenting, personal development

Thirty years ago, my husband and I dated and then got engaged while we were both studying in Israel. Afterwards we flew back to the US to meet each other’s parents.

It was erev Pesach when he picked me up to take me to meet his parents. I was going to be spending the seder and the subsequent meals of the first two days of the holiday with them. It was a rainy day, and he admits he was a little distracted and didn’t notice the exit we were meant to take until it was almost too late; he exited the highway too quickly, the car spun out of control on the slick road and we crashed into the side of the road. It was at the service station we had been towed to that I first met my father-in-law, when he came to pick us up.

He was kind and gracious, notable since it was his car my husband had been driving, and it was a few hours before Pesach began, a time that is generally very busy. This gentle, kind quality is something that has been consistent throughout the years.

At the beginning of this week my husband got a call that his father was suddenly given a very short time to live, and to get there as soon as possible. He was able to get a flight that night, and was there for three days, waiting for what we all knew was inevitable. He passed this morning.

My husband was the only one of my immediate family to be present at the funeral in person, but the rest of us were present via webcast for the funeral services. It was a gift to be able to participate in that way, to hear what was shared about my father-in-law. All of what was said was consistent with my own experience.

Afterward I spoke with my oldest son, and we talked about how a person’s life is summed up in just a few minutes. What are you remembered for when you’re no longer here? It really comes down to character and relationships. I would hazard a guess that even someone who was professionally very successful would not have this directly referenced as his greatest legacy unless he had no relationships that were of significance.

It’s not comfortable to think about what people will say about you at your funeral (at least for me it’s not), but I think it’s worth asking one’s self what you want them to say.

I’ve been thinking lately about acts of kindness. A couple of weeks ago, the weekly Torah portion included the concept of loving another person as yourself. We shared several stories at our Shabbos table of how people extended themselves for others, and I felt very aware that I have plenty of room to grow in this area.

Also in the last couple of weeks, the indoor mask mandates in Israel have been dropped, and I feel differently when I’m out and about. Warmer, more open, more friendly, more kind. More like the person I used to be. That means that my normative behavior has become more closed and self-focused in the last couple of years when I’m in public.

My newest daughter-in-law has an aunt and uncle in Baltimore (where my in-laws live) who during this week have been a beautiful model of how to reach out to others. They have visited the hospital daily, brought loads of food, sung and prayed with my father-in-law, picked up my husband from the airport, driven for hours to the burial in New Jersey – hardly knowing my in-laws or us. That kind of response comes from people who are so used to doing acts of service for others that they do it as naturally as breathing.

I think that when one is more open-hearted, one naturally notices others and wants to be of assistance. It’s first and foremost a way of thinking, that leads to a way of acting. I feel like a person who has been sleeping and has to shake off the lethargy, and consciously remind myself to do the kind of things I used to do on a regular basis.

While I don’t yet have an answer about what I want people to say about me after I’m gone, I’m clear that I don’t like the self-oriented focus that has slipped in. While in large part this has happened because I’ve perceived others as closing themselves in and not desiring contact with others, with this new awareness, I’m starting to make some very small shifts in the direction I’d prefer to go.

Avivah

Asking myself what feels fun – then joining basket weaving course!

homemaking, personal development

Frequently when a writer or commentator wants to hold up an example of a useless thing to spend time learning, they mention basket weaving. Or underwater basket weaving.

It’s interesting what we consider valuable and what we consider worthless. Hands-on creation of a useful object is a waste of time, and tapping away at a computer screen living in a digital world is an accepted norm. But putting that aside…..

I mentioned having participated in a basket weaving activity a while ago. I didn’t really enjoy it, primarily because of what I was telling myself. When forming the sides of that basket, it seemed like I needed to be an octopus to keep hold of the different ends. I looked around and all the other women seemed to be managing better than I was. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and inadequate, comparing myself to them. Thoughts began running through my mind: “Why do I put myself in these situations? Why do I have to do new things with new people and look like a complete incompetent?” I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete the basket and would walk away without anything to show for all of my effort.

After a few minutes of this, I got hold of myself and recognized the direction I had gone in. (It takes very, very little time for a mind to spin out into negativity!) I then asked myself, why am I telling myself this? It’s a beautiful day, it’s a lovely group of women and I get to do something I’ve never done before. I reassured myself that the basket would look just fine when I was done, and that my focus should be staying in the moment and enjoying the experience.

So I did.

And the basket, while not an impressive masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, looked like a basket when it was done.

My first weaving project ever – woven using westontonia and banana leaves

When I saw the ad about the next session before Pesach, I was simultaneously interested and avoidant, not wanting to have a repeat of my initial experience of inadequacy. But I told myself, I’ve already done it once and I’m going to enjoy it. I quickly sent my rsvp.

This was a project that I enjoyed much, much more.

Trivet made using olive branch for a frame, and date stalks

While we were working on our trivets, someone mentioned that there’s a local teacher who formally teaches basket weaving using traditional methods. I got her number when things quieted down after the holiday.

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I’ve been interested in learning basket weaving for a long time.

As a frugal person, sometimes I’ll say no to things that seem unnecessary or don’t add value. Whether basket weaving has intrinsic value to anyone else or not, I’ve been becoming increasingly conscious of making decisions not from a logical/intellectual space, but by asking myself, what do I want? What feels good to me? The more I ask those questions and act in alignment with the answer, the better things seem to go.

When I called the instructor to inquire about her classes, I was delighted to learn that a new eight week series was beginning just a few days later! Despite it taking place in the busy late afternoon/evening hours, I was determined to make the child care arrangements work so that I could participate.

I’ve done two sessions so far, each three hours long, and am enjoying it so much.

The sessions takes place in a tent outdoors, lined with beautiful handmade projects the instructor sells.


All of the weaving in these sessions is done using date stalks. When I finished my first basket, the instructor suggested I could hang it up and use it to keep small items in. No, I rushed to tell her, I was happy to have the experience learning how to weave and wouldn’t be displaying it.

Well. Here it is on my bedroom wall now. 🙂

I haven’t yet trimmed the ends of this, but for now am enjoying the natural look of it.

In the second session, we made small baskets. I made two – they are a good size to keep use on the desk and I’m going to use these as well.

One of my baskets in process.

There are four of us in the workshop; two beginners and two who did the first eight sessions, and are continuing with more complex projects.

In the background, a more advanced student working on her basket.

The instructor does her own weaving projects alongside of us.

The basket the instructor began during this session.

There’s a meditative quality to basket weaving, and the more you do the more relaxing it is. Right now I’m just learning the basic process and the end result is usable but far from perfect. I’m really okay with that. I’m more interested in learning and am so, so much enjoying it. Coming out with a concrete project is a nice bonus but the creative process alone is worth it for me. I’m already thinking I’d like to continue when these eight weeks are finished!

Avivah

Stopped overthinking and got a new car, finally!

homemaking

Over two years ago, we bought a seven seater car, which has been very well used. It was a much older car than anything we bought in the past, since here in Israel, seven seaters are much more expensive than five seaters, and I was staying within a very tight purchasing budget.

I have never had the experience of constant repairs until owning this car. We have literally replaced every single part in the last two years, and every time we do, I’m sure that’s the last thing that will need to be replaced. Then a month (or less) goes by, and there’s something else!

The more money we put into it, the more it seemed we should keep it. After all, it’s all new under the hood! (If we had spent the sum up front that we spent on repairs to buy a car, we could have had a very nice car in excellent condition to start with! Not fun to think about but it’s been a good lesson.) When I bought that car, I was grateful to find a car that had so many things we were looking for, even though it was clear to me when I bought it that it wasn’t a vibrational fit for me. It was very functional but it felt like a step down to buy it.

After a particularly big repair a few months ago, I told my husband this car is trying to work its way out of our lives because it isn’t a match for us vibrationally. I’m positive that someone else who would be excited to have it could own it for years and would hardly need any repairs, but the car is doing its part to help us move towards something better for us.

I’ve been clear for over a year what our next vehicle would be when we were ready: a very good condition seven seater with four wheel drive. Seven seats so we can fit everyone at home if we go on a family trip, and four wheel drive since I live in an area with back roads where that would be useful. Cars like these are quite expensive – and not gas efficient at all.

When I finally began looking for a car a few months ago, I had a dilemma. I expected we would see a rise in gas prices, and couldn’t see spending more for the vehicle purchase, more for insurance – and then more to continually fuel up. Since the vast majority of our driving is just one of us, sometimes with one or two kids along for an errand, it was too much car for our true needs.

I had a really hard time letting go of the idea of a seven seater, though. (A seven seater is about twice the cost of a comparable five seater in terms of age and mileage, so the cost is a significant part of the decision.) Even when I let go of a seven seater, I couldn’t let go of the idea of four wheel drive. Those cars are also in a more expensive category (to buy/insure/fuel), and though it’s nice to bounce along a back road, it’s something we rarely do.

Finally I let go of that, too.

I’m the researcher and car buyer of the family, and when I asked my husband for his feedback as to what to buy, he replied, just buy a car in good condition that’s not old.

But what about this feature, and that feature? He really didn’t care. I did, though, and finally decided on a car that had the features and ‘look’ that I preferred. The challenge was that the cars that met my parameters weren’t being sold by private sellers locally, and my husband wasn’t available to go together with me to see these cars.

He travels to Tel Aviv once a week for work, so I found a car in that area, planning to drive in to work together with him. The intention was I’d drive the old car home, and after work he’d come home with the new car. I set up a meeting with the seller, agreed on the time we’d check in to confirm with each other first thing in the morning and made travel plans for the next day. Then my husband, wanting to save me the significant driving time, suggested he take the train to work, then take a bus from work to the seller and look at it himself. I was happy to save four hours of my time, and agreed.

However, there was some miscommunication between us about when he was supposed to contact the seller to confirm the meeting time. The meeting didn’t happen, and though they talked about meeting in the evening, that didn’t happen either. When he came home that night at 10 pm (obviously without the car I had assumed he would buy), I was frustrated that all the time and effort I had spent – researching and narrowing it down to this brand and then finally this car- had shown no concrete results. Though my husband said we could go there together the following day on his day off, I absolutely did not want both of us to drive two hours in each direction to go look at it. He has so little free time, and the point had been to go look at it when it wasn’t out of his way.

At 10:30 that night I spontaneously decided to look for a completely different car that had not been on my mental radar at all. I narrowed it down to the best three choices within an hour from us, then narrowed it down to the best car of the three – a seller twenty minutes away.

I called first thing in the morning, and an hour later was looking at the car with my husband (who had a day off since it was Yom Hazikaron (Memorial Day). We test drove the car, I made an offer, then a counteroffer. When the seller accepted, I nodded and left my husband to take care of the transfer details. It was fast and easy.

It was also a bit anti-climactic. It’s not the look I preferred, it doesn’t have the extra features I wanted (both of which are minor details and can be added) – but I honed in on what is most important for us and it has it all. It’s a car in excellent condition with lower mileage, is a brand known for reliability, gets good fuel mileage, has a generous sized trunk – and we got a good price on it.

My primary initial feeling was relief. I’m not a person who does well with indecision; I like to make a decision, take action and move on to the next thing on my list. To keep thinking and thinking and overthinking one topic was sucking up so much of my mental energy. This has been a big thing on my to-do list for a long time and it’s really nice to have it taken care of.

Now that I’ve let go of all those things I thought I wanted, I’m feeling the freedom of having a smaller car with a smaller fuel intake, and appreciating driving something that runs quietly and smoothly!

Avivah

Oil prices zooming up, and where to find palm oil?

frugal strategies

Due to health concerns, I choose not to use vegetable oils such as canola, sunflower or soy. Though generally cheap and widely available, I stick with coconut oil (for cooking and baking) and olive oil (for salads).

There’s one oil that I’m only able to get Passover time, and that’s palm oil. I look for it as soon as the stores switch over to Passover foods, and until a couple of years ago, would get about twenty bottles when they were at half price for 5 shekels each. It’s a shelf stable option and very convenient to have on hand to supplement my coconut oil use.

Last year I didn’t see any on sale, so I got my twenty bottles for the full price, ten shekels. This year I was disappointed not to see any palm oil for sale, not for a reduced price and not for a full price. None at all. Not only that, I hardly saw any oils being sold. I had noticed before Purim that the oils were scantily stocked, but thought it might be due to stores wanting to use up stock before switching to Passover foods.

Fortunately, my husband found two bottles of walnut oil for Pesach. That wasn’t enough for us for the amount of people we were cooking for! So I sent my husband back to the store to get some more walnut oil for the last couple of days of Pesach.

He called and told me he found ten bottles of palm oil, and did I want it? ‘Yes, all of them, please!’ But they’re 18 shekels each, you want me to spend 180 shekels on oil right now? Understandably, it didn’t seem like a priority to buy seemingly overpriced oil in quantity. With no hesitation, I told him, absolutely! I was so glad to get some.

I usually buy a carton of coconut oil (bulk size) twice a year. About six months ago, I realized prices were about to climb significantly for that specific product, so I bought more than usual. I also bought some for a couple of others who I told about the expected price increase.

This week I looked at the website of the bulk baking store I bought it from, to see if they carried palm oil. While I was browsing, I saw that the hydrogenated coconut oil (I buy unhydrogenated but didn’t see it in stock, the price is usually similar) is now 526 shekels for a carton. I paid 202 shekels for the same size carton a year ago, and 235 shekels at the end of the summer.

You know what oil is now 323 shekels for a sixteen kilo carton? Canola. Seriously. One of the cheapest and most nutritionally worthless oils is now more than I paid six months ago for the most expensive oil.

For us, good quality fats are an important part of our diet, and I consider it a priority to have some on hand. Believe me, I’m really glad that I bought a second carton in the summer; I just finished the carton I bought then and am now at the point that I would be needing to buy more. Coconut oil is shelf stable for a long time and I saved over 300 shekels on that one carton. I don’t know if I’ll continue to buy coconut oil if I have to pay so much for it; I’m going to be looking for a less expensive option.

On Sukkos (five months ago) my daughter-in-law told me she wanted to buy coconut oil in bulk but the price was up to 350 shekels; that looks like a screaming bargain right now. The question is, does a shopper buy some extra at this price, which seems exorbitant now but may be a bargain in another six months? I don’t expect the price of coconut oil to go down anytime soon; realistically probably not for a couple of years. But this price is a bit rich for my budget.

Oils are currently being rationed in the UK and other parts of Europe; they’ve been out of stock for weeks in Germany. The managing director of Iceland supermarkets confirmed they are rationing oil to a bottle a person, and explained, “If you look at commodity prices, sunflower oil has gone up 1,000 percent in terms of the commodity cost in the market, palm oil (up) 400 percent, and then there is things like wheat, 50 percent, fertilizer 350 percent”.

What’s causing these prices to shoot up? In short, supply chain issues and the Russia-Ukraine conflict is the latest factor. Does what happens in the UK or Europe have anything to do with those of us in the US or Israel? Based on these price increases, it certainly seems so.

As I’ve said before, one of my primary grocery budgetary strategies is to stock up on what I need when the items are on sale. Today I’ll be going to a meeting with ds9’s teacher; his school isn’t far from an Osher Ad supermarket. I’m planning to stop in and see if I can find some good deals, and though I know the chances are slim, hoping to find palm oil! (Please let me know in the comments if you know where to buy palm oil in normal kitchen sized quantities.)

Avivah