I recently went to someone’s home for a quick errand, and the mother invited me in. As I came in and removed my coat, the bead on the end of the drawstring of my top came loose and fell to the floor

The four year old girl grabbed it and refused to give it back. Her mother said nothing. I bent down and showed her how it matched the one on the other side and how it could slide right back on. She refused to give it back. Her mother said nothing.

I said to her, “You can hold it for a few minutes and then give it to me before I leave.” As her mother and I spoke, she began stomping on it. I waited to see what the mother would do. Still no response.

The little girl went over to whisper to her older sibling, and they began laughing. Her brother told us they were laughing because she broke it in half by stepping on it. The mother said nothing.

I really don’t like disciplining other people’s children and generally stand to the side and stay quiet. But clearly this mother wasn’t going to say or do anything.

So I told the little girl with a sad face, “You know, this top I’m wearing is new and I’m sad that now I don’t have the bead for it because it’s broken.” Her laughing face turned a little uncertain. She looked at her mother, and her mother said to her soberly, “She’s right.”

The end. No apology from the mother, obviously no apology from the girl.

This is a kind, caring mother. However, her lack of response demonstrated that she’s a parent who doesn’t know when and how to set a boundary for her child.

Parents who don’t respond to their child’s provocation, don’t show them a way to make restitution, and at the very most will tell the child they shouldn’t have done that (usually when the incident is past and the person is gone) aren’t going to raise children who take responsibility for their mistakes.

I’m going to give examples of different points in this interaction that a parent could have and should have intervened.

The child grabs the bead and doesn’t want to give it back. I don’t want to force her to give it back because that’s not teaching her anything. But I’m also not going to let her keep something that isn’t hers, which would teach her a lesson I don’t want her to learn.

I say, “Isn’t that a pretty bead? It looks so nice, doesn’t it? I’m sure Mrs. Ploni likes it. It will look so nice back on her top!” Child smiles and gives it back. Mrs. Ploni thanks her.

What if the child still doesn’t want to give it back? Some children have a hard time with transitions and need more time and guidance. I say, “You know it’s Mrs. Ploni’s bead and want to give it back, but you really want to hold it a little bit longer. Hmm. Let’s ask Mrs. Ploni if you can hold it carefully for one minute. (Ask and get approval.) Okay, let’s look at my watch – in one minute you’re going to give it back.” (Don’t get involved in an adult conversation and lose track of this. Stay focused on your teaching moment.)

Depending on the child, I will remind them halfway through and maybe ten seconds before the time is up that “In ten seconds, you’re going to give it back.”

“Time’s up! That was so nice of Mrs. Ploni to let you hold her bead. Let’s give it back to her now.” Child gives it back.

What if the child still balks? “Child, I know you really like this bead. When we go home, we can look and see if we have beads you can play with. But this is Mrs. Ploni’s bead and now you need to give it back. Would you like to give it to her yourself, or do you want me to help you give it to her?”

If by this point the child isn’t giving the bead back, I would gently take it from them and say, “I see it’s hard for you to give it back. I’m going to give the bead to Mrs. Ploni because this is hers, and we don’t keep things that aren’t ours.” Child screams and cries. “I know it’s hard for you.”

You may be thinking this is way too much work over a bead. “What’s the big deal? Just let her keep it.” That’s obviously what the mother in the original situation did. The big deal is she is learning to disrespect things that belong to other people. The bigger deal is that small scenarios like this will be repeated with bigger and bigger issues, and a child who isn’t taught to respect parental guidance is going to become more difficult to parent, and unpleasant to be around.

Back to our scenario. I’ve ignored my child keeping the bead, and now she’s stomping on it. I stop my conversation with the other adult immediately and all my focus is on teaching my child in this moment. I’m not smiling now: I’m not angry or hostile but I’m firm and clear in my voice and body language that I mean what I say. “Child, stop right now. That’s Mrs. Ploni’s bead. That’s not how we treat things. Give it back to her right now.” If the child doesn’t give it back, I take it and give it to Mrs. Ploni.

I’m in the middle of an adult conversation and haven’t been fully aware of what she was doing. I’ve ignored my child keeping the bead, stepping on it, breaking it, and now she’s laughing with her brother. Now my son told me that it’s broken and they’re both laughing at how funny that is. I’m finally aware of the situation, but there’s nothing to do about the bead anymore.

The bead may be a lost cause, but my child’s educational process isn’t. I don’t want to raise children who think it’s funny to harm other people and their things. I want to help the child learn to empathize with others and recognize their actions have consequences. “Children! Mrs. Ploni’s bead is broken?! Oh, no…now Mrs. Ploni’s top doesn’t have a bead. If you had a special toy and someone broke a piece off, how would you feel? What if they did that and were laughing about it? That would feel very bad, wouldn’t it?

Would you be sad? Would you be angry? How do you think Mrs. Ploni feels right now? (Wait for response.) What can we do now to show Mrs. Ploni that you’re sorry? (If the child doesn’t have a suggestion, make a suggestion of your own.) You want to tell Mrs. Ploni you’re sorry you broke her bead?”

The situation must end with a sincere apology from me and/or my child. It’s not fair for someone to be left to bear the consequences of your actions with no recognition that they have been negatively impacted.

There is an additional step I favor taking when appropriate. I tell Mrs. Ploni I’m sorry this happened and want to make restitution for my child’s actions. I ask her to give me the other bead so that I can buy a matching set of two similar beads. I then take my child with me to the store to buy the replacements, talking about what we were doing and why. (If the child were older, they would use their own money to pay for this.)

“Oh, come on, Avivah, I don’t believe you would do this!” Yes, I would, and yes, I have. I feel very strongly about teaching children to take responsibility for their actions. If they aren’t taught, how will they learn?

This scenario may seem time consuming, but it actually takes just a few minutes. As your child learns that you mean what you say, and is clear about what expectations are, it gets easier and less time consuming.

Avivah