The long awaited court date to approve placement for the twins with our family has finally taken place.

And we weren’t approved.

To say that everyone was surprised would be putting it mildly. It seemed like this was a open and shut situation, that the court case would be rubber stamping what everyone had agreed would be in the best interests of the children. The supervisory social worker, who has been involved in many cases, was shocked at this turn of events.

There is someone involved pulling strings behind the scenes who doesn’t have a social work background, and has a different focus on what the needs of children are than all of those trained in this work. She has now determined that she wants the parental rights terminated, and the children placed for adoption instead of fostering.

When I first asked about the length of the expected foster stay, I did hear mention that this legal representative did not want the children going back to their parents, but it was said in passing, not as a definitive determining statement. To me it seems very quick to terminate their rights and put their children up for adoption, but obviously I’m not familiar with the inside details as she is so perhaps this is the right decision.

We aren’t looking to adopt, though if this placement was working well for everyone, we would be glad for them to stay with us until they age out, and I’ve expressed that. However, I can’t and won’t commit to adoption.

Why the push for adoption?

Logistics. I was told that if the children are adopted out, then social services can say they’ve done their part to ensure a good family for the children, and there’s no longer any responsibility on their part for the children or the rehabilitation of the parents.

While it’s obviously in the best interests of children to be adopted by a loving family, the options for adoptive parents are even less than foster parents. (Remember, I told you that a country-wide search was done for other foster parents and we are the only family available.)

The social workers are frustrated that the children have an opportunity for a long term home with an excellent (foster) family. There is no one else waiting in the wings to step up; there are no other options. They need to be removed from an emergency foster care placement that they’ve overstayed by months and will be shut down when they leave. And now someone comes along with a different plan at the last minute, after ten weeks of them putting all the pieces together for them to come to us.

You can see how frustrating it must be to be a social worker in this situation. (Every social worker involved from all the different angles supported their placement with us.)

It’s unsettling for us to be in limbo for so long, too. There are decisions we’re waiting to make based on if they’ll be coming, and it’s becoming somewhat stressful to deal with all of this back and forth for so long.

We decided if the twins come to us, we’ll close down our vacation rental to make space physically and emotionally for them. Meanwhile, I have people calling to make reservations for the summer (I didn’t do any advertising since we’re in limbo, but people are calling based on referrals from friends who stayed here). Until now I’ve been telling them we won’t be open, but last night right after the social worker called, I got another request and I don’t know what to tell them. We’ll forfeit a significant sum of money if we close to accommodate the children, and then they don’t come, or they come in a few months.

Also, the engine on my car just went a few days ago and we need to replace it. If we have two more young children who will regularly need to be transported on family outings, we’ll need a larger vehicle than what I would get otherwise. I don’t want to buy a larger (more expensive) vehicle if I don’t need it. I’d like to get the car situation resolved but it’s one more thing dependent on the placement decision.

That’s in addition to the general emotional roller coaster for my husband and myself, as well as our older children, waiting and wondering if it will happen and when it will happen. One day it looks unlikely and the next day it’s all systems go. I’m getting lots of practice in letting go and letting things happen as they will. Last night I did have a strong impulse to call them and tell them if they don’t make a decision within a week or two, I’m going to pull out, that I can’t stay indefinitely available – I’m still pondering if that’s the right thing to do or not.

They will be going back to court to appeal the decision. I don’t know when that will happen, and I really can’t predict what the outcome will be. This move from the legal representative was unexpected, so we’re no longer in a situation that we can assume that what usually happens is what will happen.

When the social worker called me last night to update me, a phrase went through my mind: “Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” I don’t assume this court decision is a bad thing; throughout this period I have been very conscious of not hoping for a particular outcome. Regardless of the odds one way or another, these children will end up where they’re meant to be, and that’s not necessarily going to be with us.

Avivah