On the way to see the children for the second time and then take them home, my husband and I finally had a chance to discuss our experience meeting them the first day.

Neither of us enjoyed it. We didn’t like being their playmates, running around after them and playing tag and hide and go seek. I also felt concerned we were setting up an expectation of how we would interact with them that wasn’t accurate. We did this because this is how the social worker prepared them for our visit and as soon as we got there told us that was what was going to happen.

We both agreed that this didn’t feel good to us nor appropriate. These children need parents, not playmates, and it was draining for us to interact with them in a way that wasn’t natural for us.

In my opinion, it was overly stimulating for them and caused an avalanche of excitatory neurotransmitters to flood their brains. I saw them getting increasingly hyped up and excited, and even though they were happy and laughing, it would have been better to have done something more calming with them.

I assume the social worker did this because she wanted to empower the children by letting them choose the activity, which is a good thing. And there was definitely a positive aspect to that, in that it broke the ice physically and opened the door for us to gradually give them hugs (they are very hungry for love and physical connection). I think this is an example of something well-intended that seems like a good idea on paper but for a parent with experience, this was clearly not the best plan.

We were glad that when we got there for the second visit, the social worker couldn’t be there, because we were able to spend time with them in the way that felt right for us. That was much more natural and enjoyable for us, and it felt more meaningful. She did show up after we brought the children back from an outing, to facilitate their departure.

We spent our entire time with them talking about the transition, that they would be coming to live with us and leaving the family they were with, answering their nonstop questions. As a result, when we got there and she began the conversation all over again, it seemed like drawing it out a bit too much. The first foster mother told her the same thing, that they were ready to leave, that they wanted to leave and that we should be allowed to take them home already.

About the foster mother – I was very impressed with her and appreciative of all the amazing work she’s done with them. She’s a typical Israeli sabra – she seems tough as nails, but with a heart of gold. She doesn’t give the warm and fuzzy vibe, but it’s clear how much she cared for the children, and the ‘boot camp’ approach she took was very valuable for them to learn basic daily skills.

When we got home, they met our thirteen and fifteen year olds. About an hour later, our six and ten year olds came home, and they met. No, I don’t think our boys understand this is forever at all. I told them these children will be coming to stay with us for a while, and as soon as ds10 saw them, eh asked me where their parents were. Because usually children come to visit with their parents, right?

About an hour after that, our social worker came to introduce herself to them, as she will be their social worker now. (Their social worker works in the area that they were living, so she unfortunately can’t continue. There is so much transition of important attachments for them.) I would have preferred for this to take place on another day, to minimize all the interactions as not to overwhelm them, but the first day of the placement is considered the best time.

I was told they don’t like to play outside, and the foster mother told me she doesn’t know how they’re going to manage without a television. In fact, as soon as the children saw the picture of our living room on our first visit, they asked where the television was. They asked about it a couple more times, but we have an engaging outdoor area, and they were busy all day.

(I’m going to begin to refer to them as we refer to all of our children here on the blog: as our five year old son and daughter. In August they’ll be six, so at that point I’ll have to figure out then how to distinguish for you between them and our six year old, since they’ll all be six for five months. )

Our five year daughter very much wanted to help me with everything I did, so when I went inside to prepare food for lunch and later dinner, she went with me and was my assistant. She is very sweet and so far easy for me to connect with.

As expected, they are both younger than their biological age, much more so for our five year old son. That’s something we need to remain conscious of, in terms of expectations and how to interact with them. Right now I’m assessing him at the toddler stage emotionally, though he’s physically and verbally much more advanced than a toddler.

We had a very nice day together, mostly me with them since as soon as we got home, my husband needed to get to work, to tie things up and prepare for taking off for a while, and figure out the National Insurance for paternity leave. (Isn’t it amazing to live in a country where this is valued?)

It was busy but pleasant, and it was gratifying to see them enjoying being outside. When the social worker came and saw everyone outside at once, she told me that it looks like a kindergarten with our three younger children all being around the same size and age. She also commented how valuable for the children it is that we have the kind of outdoor space that we have, with the animals and a lot of opportunities for physical play.

From the time we took them for an outing in the morning and then throughout the day, the children kept asking about their beds in our house, where and when they could go to sleep. As the day went on, they kept saying how tired they were. They are on a very regular schedule and go to sleep at 7; the foster mother told me they fall asleep instantly and this isn’t something they have difficulty with.

I moved dinner up by an hour since they both were so tired. Also, dd5 kept telling me how hungry she was, despite having had lunch and a snack not long before, and I really wanted her to have something filling (ie not a snack) to eat. (Food insecurity and emotional hunger is a common issue for foster children, based on not having enough food in early years.)

When I put them to bed, I started with one and then the other, but there wasn’t enough time for the first to fall asleep before the second one came in. Meanwhile, my husband was keeping our six and ten year olds quiet in order not to disturb the twins bedtime. He then took them to shul and stayed out for the Lag B’omer bonfire, which meant he was gone for hours.

This was very nice for our six and ten year olds, but not so much for me. I really needed another pair of hands. It quickly became apparent that the twins needed to be separated to fall asleep, but they both needed my physical presence to feel secure. Obviously I couldn’t be two places at once.

They were suddenly very awake as soon as they got in bed. Maybe hyperalert would be more accurate. They are sensitive to sounds and fearful of noises. The house was very still and quiet but they kept complaining to me about the crickets chirping outside. I stayed with both of them for over two hours in the room. After that, I thought it might be more helpful for them if I stayed close to their room so they would know I was close by, but not stimulate them with my presence. By the time three and a half hours had gone by, I really needed to lay down since I had slept only 4.5 hours the night before and my back was beginning to hurt.

In and out of bed for every excuse, again and again and again. Even when they couldn’t see me, I kept responding to them and reassuring them that I was there. They called out every two minutes or less. I had planned to make a call to find out about a particular school once they fell asleep but that clearly couldn’t happen. It was a bit over four hours later that they finally fell asleep. When my husband got home, I was too exhausted to talk and fell asleep immediately.

At 3:30 am, I heard the door to my bedroom open. I’m used to our dog opening it in the middle of the night, but this was opened in a different way. I knew it must be one of the twins, so I got up to see what was happening. Ds5 was awake so I guided him back to bed and covered him up. I put my hand on his back so he would feel reassured by my presence, and felt him shaking in fear. It’s really scary to be in a new house with all these new people.

I sat next to him with my hand on his back until he fell asleep. As soon as I stood up, his eyes flew open, so I stroked his cheek, whispered to him that everything was okay and stood there (if I would have sat back down the movement to get up would have woken him up again) until he fell back asleep.

Here I am at 4:30 in the morning. 🙂 I appreciate the opportunity for some quiet time, though I could definitely use some more sleep. My husband and I will need to work out how to support one another as a tag team so we can give one another the opportunity to take a break. As we see what our schedules look like and what is needed, how to do that will become more clear.

Avivah