Since the twins arrived four weeks ago, I’ve consistently told them that they’re now part of our family, and in any way that I could, tried to help them feel a sense of being welcome and belonging.
One night last week after our bedtime routine – when the kids are relaxed they become very open – dd5 asked, “Right, now we’re Mishpachat Werner?” (Translation: We’re the Werner family). Yes, I assured her, you are.
She was quiet for a moment and then asked, “When are we going to move to another family?”
I can’t tell her something I don’t know to be true, like that she’ll be here forever and never leave, even though I’d love to be able to say that. It’s in the hands of the court, not mine. I was disturbed when their social worker told them she’s always going to be there for them. I understand her wanting to reassure them, but she knows she’s going to see them one more time and probably never again – please, please don’t lie to them! That will lead them to distrust people even more.
I told her, “You’re our family and I hope you’re going to stay with us for a very, very, very long time.”
Ds17 told me today that ds5 asked him about when they’re going to live in another house. Also today, he was pushing dd5 in the swing when she asked, “Right you’re never going to leave us?”
The heavy weights and worries these young children have inside them, bottled up and chewing away at them…They are seeking the confirmation that they belong here and won’t have to leave, but their life history has programmed them to expect loved ones to suddenly disappear from their lives.
To me ‘family’ means being accepted and part of, no matter what. They don’t hold that same definition of family in their hearts. While my intention by telling them they’re now part of our family was to cement their feeling of security and belonging, I realized it means very little to them and offers only momentary reassurance. When they’re feeling really peaceful and loved, the fear comes up that it could be taken away any minute and they have to check in about when they’re going to leave.
They’re almost six; their programming has been going on for years and reprogramming them to believe that they are wanted, safe, loved and that the world is a good place that they can trust will take years. I knew that going into this.
But it struck me forcefully when dd5 asked that question of me, how even in a home with so much love and security surrounding them, they remain uncertain and fearful about what will happen to them.
Avivah
Avivah, you and your husband (and other family members) have such big hearts to be able to absorb all of this. If the twins do stay long-term with you, while they may never have the full security of kids born into the family, Hashem has a way of healing even the deepest wounds. I know people who never got the security of feeling loved and wanted throughout their entire childhood and that’s very different. And even those people manage to move on with their lives and find some healing. It’s so hard that it’s not fully in your hands but I suppose it’s a good lesson to all of us that nothing is ever fully in our hands.
This is so heavy. I assume as the days, months go by, B’ezrat Hashem they will feel more secure. It really shows the love and connections you are providing with them now, that they are so frightened and don’t want it to end. Hatzlocha in all your family is doing now for them. I thank you again Avivah for sharing this with us.