I’ve been feeling increasingly on edge about the wedding preparations over the last few weeks. That’s unusual for me; this is our sixth wedding and I find the planning generally to be straightforward. Additionally, I don’t have a lot of emotion wrapped up in the specifics.

This time we’re planning for the wedding to be in a smaller hall that isn’t usually used for weddings. The initial thinking in considering that was our expectation that our guest list would be smaller than at our other weddings, and I didn’t want to rattle around in a typical hall. From there we went on to consider that it would be a big gain for the couple to enjoy the savings resulting from a wedding on a smaller scale.

That was the idea, but that’s not how it’s working out. The costs involved are either the same or much, much higher than at a larger hall. That means that a wedding for 150 will cost almost the same as a wedding for 300. That’s because there aren’t the economies of scale for a smaller hall that are standard for the larger halls.

More and more concerns have been coming up for me but until now I’ve repeatedly pushed them down, telling myself at least the couple will be happy. And after all, isn’t it their wedding?

Yes, but it’s a celebration for the parents as well. Sometimes parents go overboard and it’s not at all about what the couple wants, but on the flip side, sometimes as parents we minimize our own preferences in planning a celebration.

It wasn’t initially clear how things would play out with the choice for the smaller hall and knowing what we now know, it wouldn’t have been an option.

Obviously it would have been much better if my concerns had been clear to me earlier on, but they weren’t. The initial assumptions I was operating under kept shifting bit by bit, until all that remained of the suggestion my husband and I originally made was the smaller hall. As more and more things come up to complicate the use of this location, my unease has increased.

I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s contentment with what was being planned, and though I did express my concerns several times about what was being planned, I didn’t stay with the conversation and communicate until my position was clear enough. Part of that was my own ambiguity, and the other part was not wanting to seem nitpicky or controlling. So I kept pushing down the concernes that were coming up. Finally, I just couldn’t push them down anymore and all I felt when thinking of the wedding was stress, instead of happiness and excitement.

So what to do at this point, four weeks before the wedding?

The easiest thing for me to do is to continue to smile and agree to whatever everyone else wants. However, I’ve always regretted ignoring my gut feelings and always pay the price later on; right now my inner voice is screaming that this is a big mistake and needs to be reconsidered because the wedding isn’t going to be a good experience for our family. But if I say something, am I going to be that controlling mother-in-law imposing her preferences on the couple?

Despite my very strong reluctance, I knew I needed to have some uncomfortable conversations.

I called my daughter-in-law-to-be to share some concerns and get clarity on what her priorities for the wedding are. (Her mother is overseas so she’s the one actively making the decisions for the wedding planning.) Until now we haven’t directly talked about the plans; her preferences were conveyed to me through a local family member. I stressed to her that I’m absolutely not saying we need to make a change in location, but that I’d just like to bring up some concerns.

She’s very lovely and was willing to listen though I’m sure that wasn’t easy. I was really concerned that she would feel an imbalance of power in the conversation due to my position in the family. But she handled it beautifully and I was very impressed with her equanimity.

She was able to listen to my concerns, consider them, and then called me back to say that she heard my points and is willing to look at other locations, if we can still find a hall available for four weeks from now.

So that’s what I’ll be busy with in the morning, making calls and with Hashem’s help we’ll quickly and easily find a hall that will be more aligned with the feelings of happiness and positivity that we feel when celebrating a wedding.

Avivah