Many things have happened in the last three and a half years as foster parents, and several times I’ve wondered how much more I could take.
I’ve consistently been treated with complete disdain, disrespect and outright hostility by the guardian ad litem, who is the court appointed legal representation for the twins. Her job is to advocate for their best interests, and she directly reports to the judge who rules in the case. She has twisted and exaggerated tiny points to build a case against us from the beginning, and every time something more has happened, I continued on, knowing the only option was to stop fostering the twins.
Recently, things came to a head. At the latest committee meeting, we were once again criticized and complained about by the GAL and their father. The only response to my reports about visitation violations was to make the visitation weekly instead of twice a month. The kids’ behavior has gotten really difficult due to the emotional distress they are experiencing.
Now they want to bring more social workers who are new to the file for yet another in-home visit, to counter the latest claims by the GAL. For three years, numerous staff have come to check out our home due to the ongoing complaints of the GAL, despite every single person, every single time saying that everything in the house is fine and there’s no foundation to the complaints. And I agreed to these visits, in the belief that at some point, it would become clear to everyone that we aren’t the problem.
But no matter what we do, no matter how many people come and are shocked at how different our home is from the complaints against us, nothing changes. No matter who I’ve reached out to for help and what complaints have been filed against the GAL, it’s as if she’s untouchable.
The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expect different results.
I’m not insane.
I’ve jumped through every single hoop they’ve told me to jump, and no matter how well I’ve done everything, no matter how ‘miraculous’ the results of the twins’ development has been since they came to us, nothing has changed. It’s become obvious to me that the way we are related to is never going to change, and will only get worse the longer we continue.
I’ve stood in a very hard place for a long time because I was determined that this person wouldn’t take away the amazing lives the children get to have with us.
We’ve done everything we can to protect and care for the children, but not only do I feel no one is working with us, there is someone powerful who is actively agitating against us. I’ve become increasingly concerned that she will make a false claim against us and the children will be taken away suddenly, regardless of proof.
The truth and facts haven’t mattered until now; I’ve seen that no matter what anyone else says about us to the contrary of her assertations, no matter how many reports are filed in our favor, no matter how many complaints are filed against her – nothing makes a difference.
I’m done. I’m completely done. The risk is too high, we’re endangering ourselves to continue. If we stop now, my hope is that we can still maintain a relationship of some sort with the children.
But what we cannot do, is be foster parents under the present conditions.
One thing I have no sadness or ambivalence about: I will never, ever allow this woman to set foot in my home or have anything to do with me, ever again.
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This has been a very, very, very hard decision to come to. And at the same time, there’s been a huge sense of relief.
Two days after we made the decision, I was interacting playfully with ds9, and my husband commented that he was surprised that I seemed lighter than I had in a long time. And I told him, “It’s because I’ve left an abusive relationship and now I am free.”
As hard as the decision was, I have a quiet sense of peace about our decision, made from a place of love for all of our children, the twins included, and self-preservation.
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My husband and I made an appointment with the therapist who is an expert in foster care to share our decision and discuss how to move forward in the best possible way for the twins.
She didn’t need any explanation of why we came to our decision. She knows what we’ve been facing behind the scenes and the only surprising thing to her is that we managed to last this long. She told me back when the twins had been with us for just a year that anyone else would have quit by then.
She affirmed that as someone looking at it from the outside, what happened to us is disturbing and is a reflection of a profoundly diseased system. She added that our situation is very complex and there were several things in our case that have happened that she’s never seen before in seventeen years in the field.
She also said that when we were first found as candidates for the twins, she asked our social worker who in the world was willing to take on such a complicated situation, and detailed the five factors in the twins’ file that made it unusually challenging. This specific GAL was just one of the factors. One of these factors would have made it hard; five made it almost impossible to succeed.
She noted that the real tragedy in all of this is that we have the unusual ability to deal with the complexities of the childrens’ behaviors and background, and were a very good fit for the children themselves. The kids have been doing wonderfully, even with the recent setbacks. But it doesn’t really matter, because the well-being of children isn’t the priority in foster care.
She said that with the situation as it is, the best option for them will be a dormitory setting. She advised that once the decision has been made not to continue fostering, the move should be made as soon as possible. I told her I’d like the children to stay until Sukkos is over (through the beginning of October) so they’ll have one final holiday season with us before they leave. That way they’ll not only have all the positive experiences of the holiday season, but will have a chance to say goodbye to all of our married children and grandchildren, and have some sort of closure.
She warned us that since we’ll need to tell them two weeks before they leave (not before), it will make the holidays very difficult. I smiled wryly and told her, they came to us with many behavioral difficulties and we can handle it if they end their time with us with a lot of behavioral difficulties. They deserve to experience the extended holiday period as part of a family; it may be the last time they’re part of a family for a very long time to come.
While this may be obvious, I have to stress: if you have any possible contact with our children, please do not talk about this in any way with them, or speak with your children about it. None of the younger four children know anything, and it’s something that only I and my husband will speak to them about, when the time is right.
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My next step was to wait for our social worker to return from vacation and notify her about our decision. We didn’t want to talk to anyone about it until we had time to process it ourselves, and then to discuss it with the above therapist.
Even though we have never suggested ending our placement with the children, she too, wasn’t suprised, as she knows the complexity behind the scenes. She was so kind and supportive, telling me she knows how much we’ve invested and all we’ve done to make it work, and understands it’s become intolerable.
She told me that our file is the most complicated one she’s been involved with, and that more than once in the foster care agency offices they talked about ending the twins’ placement with us due to the difficulties with the GAL.
I wrote up a brief ‘resignation’ letter and she agreed to forward it to the WhatsApp group for the professionals involved in the childrens’ file, so that our decision would be expressed in my own words. I know that like everything else, our decision may be misrepresented, but I wanted it to be clear that this decision was never made because we didn’t want the children.
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“Three and a half years ago, our social worker approached us about placing (foster son) in our home. We were not seeking to expand our family and initially declined, but when we learned that he was a twin, and that his sister was being placed separately, we offered to take both of them so they could stay together.
As experienced parents of decades, with a large home, (deleting details about my husband and I), we knew we had an unusual physical and emotional capacity to help these children.
They came to us, severely delayed in every area, more like toddlers than the six year olds they were. The challenges have been considerable but we have continued to dedicate ourselves to helping them move beyond their difficult and challenging early years.
We have intentionally guided their development in every area, and it brings joy to our hearts to see their transformation, one that no one (other than us) believed was possible. They’ve learned to speak English fluently, swim well, ride bicycles, love reading and creating projects of all sorts. They get along well with others, and know how to play appropriately.
Much more importantly than the physical comforts and experiences they’ve had in our home, is that they’ve learned what stable and healthy relationships look and feel like. They’ve learned to trust, to express love and to be loved. They now know they are valuable and worthy of love, just as they are. Their future is very hopeful.
We now turn them back to you, to continue the work we’ve done. We would have continued to lovingly include (twins’ names) in our family for a long time to come, but it’s become clear that the foundational lack of trust from within the department of social services undermines all that we do, and by extension, negatively impacts the children.
We hope and pray you will thoughtfully take care of these treasures, who we will continue to deeply love, and make decisions that will enable them to continue to actualize their tremendous potential.”
——
When I wrote my post about burnout as a foster parent, I wasn’t yet aware of the details that would soon afterwards lead me to conclude we couldn’t continue.
When I began writing about the back story with the twins’ arrival in our home, and then continued with what happened to cause them to be abruptly pulled from their short term foster home, I knew some of my readers would wonder why I was writing about these things I hadn’t previously mentioned, and realize something was going on. In those posts I shared the first pieces of what would become much bigger issues as time went on.
Although I have a certainty that this is the right decision, it’s nonetheless emotionally gut wrenching for both my husband and me.
We thought we would raise these children for years to come, and now we are coming to terms with the reality that our presence in their lives will be for a much shorter period of time than we expected. It seems our job was meant to be to raise them up from a very hard place where their prospects of becoming functional people was extremely unlikely, to bring them to normative functioning. And I’m glad we were able to do that.
But it’s a very painful situation for us. It’s so hard looking at their happy faces every day, and think that it won’t be long before they won’t be living with us anymore.
Avivah
31 Responses
This makes me so sad, though I fully understand why you are forced to take this step.
May Hashem help the twins to adjust yet again and be able to thrive in their new environment, and may Hashem comfort you in this time of loss and show you much Bracha going forward.
I’m sure you can never be rewarded enough in this world for the sacrifices you have made to last this long.
Thank you, Dina. Amen.
Avivah, I have read your blog religiously and I am in awe of all that you have done for these kids !!!!!! You have made a huge difference in their lives in spite of all the immeasurable challenges that have come your way.
May Hashem grant you peace of mind to appreciate the enormous chessed you have done for them ! May you feel peace in your heart and be able to enjoy the rest of your beautiful family in an environment of tranquility .
Batya
Thank you for your comment and brachos, Batya.
I am so sad, and in shock. I can’t imagine what you are going through. These poor children…. there are no words.
TL, it’s very hard.
My heart is heavy with yours, my dear friend. I am sending you love. Please let me know if there is any way I can support you more in the coming weeks. I will be in touch with you.
Thank you for your support, Chaya Dina. Sometimes I feel like talking about it, but sometimes I can’t say anything.
I was actually uneasy reading your latest posts, and I was wondering if you were leading us gently towards this piece of the story. I’m so sad for all you’ve gone through, and so sad for the children who will be losing out on so much.
May you be blessed in every way, with peace of mind, closure and clarity .
Thank you, Kaila. I haven’t only gone through difficulties with the children – they’ve brought a lot of good into our lives as well, BH, and we’re grateful for that.
Avivah, when I read the heading of your article I let out a cry! I am soooo sad for you and your family, and the twins. It hurt so much because we all know how patient you and your husband were with the twins and this case ( as it’s called) . You were there for them 24/7, good times, harder times and always saw the joy in this. I am hurting in my heart as how can the ”Heads” of the system not see so clearly how amazing your family is for the children. you have done all you could for the twins, May you be repaid by Hashem with Nachas from all your children and grandchildren, and I really hope the twins will go on to live a healthy, happy emotionally healthy, life. Thank you for sharing with us. I am sure this might take a while for the pain to leave as they were so part of your family.
Thank you, Rachelli. Amen. The therapist we went to said she’s completely booked for coming weeks, but will make herself available to us anytime we need, for support of the emotional process the entire family will be going through.
As you sister, knowing more of the more intimate details. I have wondered for a long time how you kept going.
I can heard in your voice when you talk about it, how sad and disturbed you are with the system that forces such endangerment of the kids to allow visits that set fire to their peace, and stick a hot poker in the healing they have done while in your care. Oh. Avivah, I am so sorry. I know you have tried to avoid getting to this point for so long.
The twins are better for having lived with you. You kid and grandkids will be glad to have you back as a version closer to the powerful, peaceful, joyful person you were before you had to battle the system to exhaustion .
I love you, T. Call me! (My messages to you don’t seem to be going through lately.)
I had a feeling this was what you were leading up to…I am so sorry for you and your husband and family who poured so much love and made so many efforts to raise these children as children should be raised. I am very sorry for the children who will lose such wonderful parents and so much more.
I am sorry for all other children in similar situations who are, it seems, at the mercy of a GAL and a system that does not care for the wellbeing of the children. I hope one day there will be change IY”H.
You and your husband are amazing people and you are doing the right thing.
Thank you, Chani. I appreciate it.
I also let out a cry when I saw today’s title but as many others said, we’re all surprised you made it this long.
I hope that the right people hear about this & that the GAL is finally fired!!!
I’m also going to pray that someday when the twins are adults, that they read your posts and see how very much they were loved and cared for while with you.
Kelly
I feel sadness along with everyone else here but also a bit relieved for you. It sounded like this tremendous chessed took over your whole life – and you shared with us very graciously, but I’m also sure there is a lot that was not shared. At the end of the day you are also a mother and grandmother to many, many more children (bli ayin hara) who also need you. I am sure the twins will always remember your family l’tova and B”H they will go on to live emotionally and physically healthy lives in the zchut of you and your husband!
Kol hakavod to you and thank you for sharing your journey until now.
(and unfortunately GAL sounded like a biased frum hater from the start. tragic that these kind of biased and ignorant people are the ones in charge. and btw not just with foster care but in other gov’t offices as well. I recently had a rude awakening of how common this is. if you want more info you can email me)
As a long time reader of your blog my heart goes out to you Aviva. Your efforts have been heroic and you will be in my thoughts as you grieve the process. How sad that the very people who are meant to look out for the children’s wellbeing are the ones sabotaging them. Wishing you much strength and comfort.
It’s been many years since we have been in touch, but a friend sent me this post not knowing that we know each other, and I felt the need to comment.
I have worked in a dorm like the one the foster twins are likely to be sent to, and have experienced first hand how no matter how well meaning, the system is truly broken, and knowing how you run your home it breaks my heart to hear that they will be going to such an institution instead of remaining in a stable, healthy, and healing environment.
That being said I also understand the toll that working with children with this level of trauma with a hostile system breathing down your back can be. It took me a year to recover from role in the dorm I worked in. Ultimately we have a responsibility to ourselves and out biological family first and at a certain point this kind of pressure can cause real detriment to everyone.
It’s an incredibly broken system where many times the people who are successful in staying in the system long term are not the healthiest or most emotionally in tune, or healing – but just very adept at showing the various deciding parties what they want to see.
Many times the dorms will allow you to remain in the children’s lives. Especially if they are not allowed unsupervised home visits, the kids are often set up in mishpachot Milavot for visits, and seven years out of the dorm house parent role we have kept up with many of the kids, thru many ups and downs, and I believe that this may mitigate some of the trauma that the removal will cause.
Ultimately every year that you kept them out of an institution is tremendous – we have seen that with kids coming from stable foster care, there is a huge difference between children who arrive at age 5 to age 7 to age 9 in terms of how they function and relate.
Another thing I have been thinking about is how I can better support the people in my community so that they don’t get to the point that they need social services intervention.
Some of the cases in the dorm where so severe that I do not believe any other intervention would have been helpful, but on the other hand, there where many many cases where a real community envelope of support for the parents could have created an environment that was much safer and healthier then having Social Services step in.
It’s good to hear from you, Shira! I remember hearing that one of my daughters contacted you when she and her husband were considering a position like this, and when she described it to me, I said it sounded like an impossible job.
I appreciate all of your comments, and also your point at the end is critical – families are often falling through the cracks due to lack of support, and if you’re in a position to help in that way, that would be incredible.
I’ve been reading your blog for many years and I’m very sorry to see this news. My heart hurts for you and the twins and I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible and that the twins’ future is bright. I am also a bit relieved for you as it sounds like this situation had become totally untenable and was starting to eat you alive. You are an amazing parent who does so much chesed and could not have done any more than you did for these children. I think most of us would have given up long ago. Thanks to you, the twins are in a much better place going forward. But I really think you are doing the right thing here–you cannot set yourself and your family on fire to keep someone else warm. I wish you all peace and comfort going forward and I hope Hashem makes this obviously anti-chareidi GAL one day realize what mistakes she made.
My heart aches for the lost opportunity both for you and tne twins. I really admire you.
It’s so upsetting to hear about the messed up system. You wrote many times about injustice that you experienced, and even so you kept going. It’s very special to watch your thought process (always focused on growth, honesty, and Hashem’s ratzon) and we all know that you did everything you could and more.
May Hashem continue watching over the twins and bring you peace of mind, knowing you made such a difference in their lives.
I’m so sorry, Avivah! This is so tough! Sending hugs
Avivah, I am so sad for these children, you, and your family. What a tragic missed opportunity. What a rotten, rotten system that forces these very needy children out of the loving, devoted, frankly incredible family that is yours. Hashem should bless you and your husband endlessly for all you have done for these children, for the beautiful memories you have created with them, for the boundaries you have taught them with so much love. I hope they will always remember their time with you as a time of security, of unconditional love, of being surrounded by family members who only wanted the best for them. Thank you for sharing your story with us, always. Wishing you and your loved ones all the best.
Aviva I think your decision shows tremendous courage. Every minute that you gave of yourself to help these children had an impact of which you will never know the extent, in addition to all the other people in this picture who have learned from you. You made our world better. Thank you. These are Hashem’s children and he will take care of them, and please in this coming year he will make their journey sweeter. Please shower yourself with love and care so that the many people in your life (including yourself) can continue to receive your connection and closeness and joy. Sending much love ❤️
I am so relieved to read this post. For a while I felt like you were suffering at the hands of an abusive System and BH it’s finally coming to an end. I agree with you and everyone that you’re doing the right thing here. The toll is just too great. You must prioritize your own safety, mental health and reputation!
The resignation letter is beautifully written and clearly expresses the situation. IYH this year should be calm, peaceful and restorative!
P.S. I’m glad it’s going down this way and not the way it went down with their prior family – where the children were suddenly removed.
I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear how the GAL reacts! She’s used to being the one calling the shots! Even though this is what she wanted, I’m sure she’ll be in shock!
Avivah you and your family are amazing! The years that the twins were with you were an incredible gift to them. You are a true messenger of HaShem. May you be blessed with health, happiness, and a year and lifetime full of shefa shel tov!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope your lived experience with the system can help others in the future. I know you’ve helped the twins immensely.
Random question: If the GAL is fired/replaced and the father’s rights are terminated, would you continue fostering these children?