Here in Israel, apartments in buildings are individually owned.  As such, those living in the building appoint one of the those living in the building to be responsible for tending to the upkeep and repairs, and everyone pays a monthly sum towards the communal expenses.

In my building, the person doing this job was burnt out.  She called a meeting and told everyone someone better take over but no one was able to (this was four days before Yirmiyahu was born).  There was a big leak somewhere in the building and repeated attempts to find a solution didn’t work.  And this woman has a way of communicating with a lot of excessive emotion so you have a tendency to want to distance yourself from the hyperbole.  So everyone was wary of getting involved and no one wanted to take the responsibility on themselves; a big part of that is there’s a culture of blaming and lack of participation so you won’t get any appreciation for your efforts and are likely to be attacked for trying to help.

A few months after having a meeting and no one volunteering to take over, she decided to stop doing whatever she was doing to force someone else to step in.  Prior to this decision I told her that I would be willing to take over but she insisted it was too much for me because I have a big family.  She often told me how no one cares and she’s sick of it, and each time I reminded her that I was willing to take over.  Each time she said no.

Finally at the end of July we had a meeting and everyone agreed that I should take over (they said there had to be three people, though, so I volunteered someone who wasn’t there and convinced someone else to put her name down so e could proceed but she’s there as a token person and doesn’t need to do anything).  I had a lot of apprehensions about this because of the emotional climate in the building – no trust, very little cooperation, and each person looking out for himself.  I’m not native to the culture of this country and I felt worried about trying to work within a framework like this, but chose to believe that change was possible, had a positive attitude towards everyone, and got busy trying to find solutions.

At that time, the person who was previously in charge dragged her feet about transferring the necessary files to me and made things as difficult as she could, despite supposedly being desperate for months for someone to step in.  Instead of thanking me for taking over, when I once again asked for the files she yelled at me that I should have volunteered sooner, and when I reminded her I had told her repeatedly for eight months that I was willing and she was the one who kept turning me down, she told me that I didn’t come to her house to get the files from her months before and that showed I didn’t really mean it (right, the same files that she was withholding when I was officially in charge).  But when I had knocked on her door to try to talk to her about taking over in those months, she had gone on and one about how horrible everyone in the building was and she’s not dealing with it and she won’t talk about it, that I have to talk to her husband.  When a week later I knocked at their door to speak to her husband, she said he has nothing to do with it.  You can kind of see how this goes, right?  

Fast forward to tonight.  We had a meeting at my house so I could notify everyone about the many workmen that have come to check out the problem, fix leaks, give quotes for other work.  This was a very difficult meeting.  I’ve led and participated in meetings before but nothing like this.  At the beginning I requested that each person be given a chance to be heard without interrupting but this lasted about four seconds.  They just don’t communicate like that.  Raised voices and talking over other people seems to be the norm. 

Two strong voices were raised in dissent seemingly against everything I said – for example, when I showed the report of where the leaks in the building were and said that we had them repaired and checked afterward to be sure there were no continuing problems, one insisted there’s a leak right in the entrance to the building and it doesn’t matter how many professionals came to check it out and said there’s no problem there (and all gave the same opinion), these two men know better than the workmen and they know better than me what the workmen told me (though of course they weren’t present for any of those conversations).  They complained that the quotes we got for different work that needs to be done are all outrageous and they could get someone better.  Etc.  I hardly said one sentence in two hours that I was able to complete before being interrupted.

Another man came in about thirty minutes into the meeting and though we were all discussing one point, stood to one side at the end and started telling me that the tiles I bought to repair the entrance don’t match and aren’t suitable because they’re meant to be used in bathrooms – and he never saw them since they’re locked in a storage room that only I and the other person doing this with me have keys for it!  I told him I didn’t want to have a personal discussion about this with him while everyone was in the middle of discussing a different point and I was going to bring up this point next so that everyone could discuss it at once.   He yelled that I’m disrespecting him and I think I can put him down and he’s not going to pay anything towards the joint repairs in the building and then stormed out.  Yeah, that kind of meeting.

Before the meeting, I took some time to clear my mind and focus on my goal – I’m here to serve the people of this building and to try to rebuild trust and a sense of cooperation.  I can’t do that by insisting on my agenda.  I really tried to listen to and reflect the concerns that were being expressed, which wasn’t easy because of the communication style of those involved.  Without this clarity about my goal, I think I would have given up very soon.  My husband was there for about five or ten minutes and afterward he told me how well I did, that it was so horrific (yes, that was his exact word choice) that he couldn’t stay any longer than that.

After two hours of this, we finally hammered out an agreement of how to proceed from this point on.  It wasn’t what I would have chosen, but I’m satisfied with the outcome.  I think I better understand the personalities involved and why they seem to oppose everything, and have some insights into how to work with them so that they don’t keep opposing me on everything (except the one who stormed out, who will probably tomorrow yell at me that he doesn’t agree with what everyone else agreed and who do I think I am).

I’ve done a lot in the last few months in this position and I’ve sometimes felt I’m doing it with my hands tied behind my back. I keep reminding myself I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do.  And I think that out of all the people in this building, I have the best chance of making a shift in the social climate, because I’m relatively new and not stuck in all the negative history that they all get involved in rehashing at every meeting.  Also, I really believe that the people in this building are good and want things to be good, they just don’t know how to work together.

Though it hasn’t been easy, there are points of light.  I’ve had a chance to get to know all my neighbors, as I’ve gone around to every apartment and spoken to each of them at length and I’ve enjoyed that.  A couple of months ago, one of them told me (who everyone assumes is a very negative person), “It’s so nice to finally have someone in charge who has nice things to say about other people; we’re so sick and tired of the negativity and hearing how bad everyone is.”  Last week, a different woman said to me, “The day you moved into this building was a blessing for everyone here.”

These are comments I have to focus on, because there are times when I feel no matter what I do, someone isn’t happy – like tonight when someone complained that I’ve been having the building cleaned on a regular basis and that I haven’t abided by the decision at the last meeting not to get a cleaner until the broken tiles in the entrance are repaired.  (The building hadn’t been cleaned for seven months until I took care of it, and part of the fighting at this meeting is that I took care of the leaks and now want to have the tiling repaired as everyone said was a priority at the last meeting and this man wants to leave them unrepaired – and no cleaning done – until the summer.  Even though he said he appreciates that the building is clean.  Confusing, hmm?)  His wife has complained the building is dirty because I don’t have it cleaned often enough.  You see what I mean about not getting much appreciation?

So…it’s a learning experience.  And a cultural experience.  🙂

Avivah

Today is Day 21 of 31 for 21.  This month is going so fast and I’m not managing to find the time to post about a number of things I thought I’d post on.  Well.  I get to let go of that perfection thing, once again.

Tomorrow are local elections, and since I live so close to a central shopping area where there’s been a huge focus on electioneering, I can practically sing the campaign songs by heart since I hear them playing over and over again for hours every Friday.

There are five of us in the family who are able to vote: me, dh, ds20, dd18 and dd17.  (You can start voting in municipal elections when you’re 17.)  A bus was arranged by the religious party to bring home kids of voting age who are studying in Jerusalem and they called us to ask about dd17 and ds20.  Dd18 is in the US so obviously no one is going to fly her in for her vote 🙂 and dd17 has to be there in the evenings for the elderly lady she works for so she can’t come.

I didn’t think ds could come home for this because it’s a three hour trip in each direction, so you can get here at 11 pm and hardly be home and vote and then head back – he doesn’t like to take time away from his learning so I was pretty sure this wouldn’t be compelling.  But the person arranging this asked for the number of his rosh yeshiva and then ds was told it was important he vote – I didn’t know he was coming until he was on the way home so it was a really nice surprise for me!

I don’t see enough of this marvelous young man (I could say this about all of my kids who aren’t living at home full time – I just can’t get enough of them!) and so it’s a treat for me to have him home even if it’s only for twelve hours.  The younger boys didn’t know about this before they went to sleep so they’re going to be very excited when they wake up and see who’s here!

Something nice about these elections, and I believe is unique to Karmiel, is that this year there is just one religious party.  Candidates from what were previously three parties have joined together on one ticket, and the name of the party is Yachad – Together.  Togetherness and unity is something this very polarized society could use a lot more of and I feel fortunate to live in a city where the leadership works toward this as a goal – not only during elections but in general.  If it weren’t something that was already an effort, it’s unlikely they could have pulled together the different factions just for political purposes.  As the chief rabbi of the city said, he doesn’t know how much they’ll gain during the elections, but in putting this party together they already gained something and it was worth it for the unity it engendered.

For me, I’m happy that the elections are bringing my little family a little more ‘together’, too.  🙂

Avivah

Today is Day 9 of 31 for 21, a blogging effort to raise awareness of Trisomy 21. Sorry I forgot to mention it in my last couple of posts!
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I’ve been doing pretty well physically since the accident Sunday afternoon, except for the huge asthma attack that it triggered and has made breathing, walking and talking difficult.  It’s intensified all the pains in my neck and back from the accident but that’s getting better so I’m not worried even though it’s hard.

What’s not so good is how I’m feeling emotionally.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few days.  When I was hit by the car, I had a blank spot in my memory from the time I was hit until the time I was sitting on the curb holding ds4.  Then I started to have flashes of memory that took time to piece together – some things have taken me until today.

Firstly was realizing that I was knocked down into the street.  When I was asked after the accident about what happened, I said the car hit me.  They asked if I fell down, and I said no – I didn’t remember getting up so I must not have fallen.  I did keep wondering how I could have been hit and not fallen.  Then I started getting pieces of memories and strained to put it together with physical clues – my new shirt that had a hole in the elbow, painful scrapes on my right arm, rough scuffs on the outside of my right shoe, soreness throughout my right side; trying to understand why all my flashes of memory were from the perspective of someone on the ground, not an upright position – I finally realized why.  I pieced this together in time to tell the doctor at the emergency clinic what happened, not that it helped since he was horrible.

What’s been replaying over and over in my mind is what happened to ds4.  About fifteen minutes after the accident a bystander said he saw what happened from down the street and ds wasn’t hit.  I accepted it as a fact even though it contradicted what I had been sure happened until that minute.  Since ds was lying in the street, the only other explanation was that I must have yanked him so hard he landed there so that’s what I believed.  But I kept thinking of my position when the car hit, how I only had time to start to turn toward him with the intent to get him to safety and I didn’t remember pulling him – and I have memories from then so I should remember it.

How could the car have missed ds? I couldn’t see how it was possible – I was hit by the front right of the car and he was closer to the center of the car than I was since he was holding my right hand a step or so behind me. It didn’t occur to me to question the bystander’s assertion, until today I suddenly realized it was physically impossible for anyone to have seen what happened from anywhere but on the other side of the crosswalk close to us; certainly it was impossible from down the street.  It was when I screamed at the driver that people looked around and by that time the accident had taken place.  Assuming that’s when this person looked up, he would have only seen that she didn’t roll over ds as she drove right next to him in the street.

I wanted to think I had pulled ds to safety but the physics of the situation didn’t make sense.   Hundreds of times I’ve replayed in my mind the position ds4 was lying in, I was lying in, his shock response for hours after the accident – and it became obvious the only way he could have been lying exactly parallel to me in the street but further up, is that the car hit us both at the same time and because he’s smaller, he was propelled further.  When I screamed at the driver, it’s because I saw him lying in the street and knew she had hit him.  It wasn’t until when this bystander said something that I accepted his perspective without questioning him due to my emotionally disconnected state .  If I had been able to think logically, in one second I would have realized it didn’t make sense.

I haven’t brought up the topic of the accident to ds but today I wanted to check out how he was doing.  Carefully, I said, “That was kind of scary when we were crossing the street a few days ago.”  He answered, “Yea, it was very scary when the car bumped us.”  Me (taken aback since I didn’t expect him to have any memories of the accident, but playing it cool): “Oh, did the car bump you, too?”  Him: “Yea, and it hurt me so much.”  I tried not to discuss what happened with my kids around but even if he happened to overhear me speaking about it, he wouldn’t have heard me use the phrase ‘bumped’.   (Later I realized he used that term because this is how I usually talk when I discuss the importance of safely crossing streets – ‘we do such and such so we won’t get bumped by a car’, to play it down so it won’t be a scary idea for them.)  And he’s definitely heard me repeatedly tell everyone how grateful I was that he wasn’t hit, so he can’t be repeating anything he heard somewhere else.  It was obvious that he has a clear memory of being hit by the car.

Then he asked me if I wish I had a car.  My kids periodically ask me this so it’s not unusual.  I told him, no, I’m pretty happy with what we have.  Did he wish we had a car?  ‘Yes,’ he told me, ‘because then we could have crossed the street in front of the other car (in our car) and we wouldn’t get hurt.’

Thankfully the car wasn’t going fast enough to cause either of us serious damage.  But emotionally I feel traumatized and victimized.  The woman who hit me is a lawyer and purposely withheld the information she knew I’d need to file a report.  I was so shell shocked; I knew she should give me the car registration information but I just couldn’t insist on it.  She went to her car to get the information and was taking what seemed like a long time.  She waited until the two guys from Hatzalah (emergency responders) who were there to help were talking to each other, then motioned me over.

At the time I thought this was very inappropriate.  I was just hit by a car, and I should walk to you?  I should have asked one of the guys to get the information for me, because it hurt me to walk and I was emotionally drained.  I was just trying to keep myself together.  But it’s because I was in a state of shock that I couldn’t ask for the help I needed.  And so when with difficulty I got her first and last name and phone number and she didn’t offer anything else, I didn’t push her.  She was acting kind of cagey but I assumed good intentions on her part and figured we’d call and get whatever we needed afterward.  Maybe the laws are different here than in the US and an Israeli driver would certainly know better than me what to do, right?

I was wrong.  We went down to file a police report the next morning but were told we couldn’t file a report without all of her information, so dh called the number she gave me. Her husband answered and said was already asleep for the evening (at 9 pm?) and when dh asked him for the information, he said it was dark outside and didn’t feel like going out to the car to get it.  Dh called a number of times the next day, but clearly she now knows his number and isn’t answering.

And this is the hardest thing for me after all of this.  Why do we have to undergo pain, trauma, emotional suffering and have to pay the financial price for on top of it all?  How can someone not care about doing something like this?  How could she not want to do whatever she can to try to make up for hitting us in broad daylight at a crosswalk? It’s so much not my way of relating that I simply can’t process it.  I’m really trying to let go of feeling like a victim and reclaim my power, but it’s hard to be in a country where you don’t know the rules and you don’t have an inherent sense of who to turn to, how to get things done…and you’re up against someone who knows exactly how to finagle all the loopholes.

I’m furious with this woman for having done what she did and having no remorse or shame.   I hate that she could care less about our suffering, particularly when I think what could have happened to ds.  But I don’t want to be filled with anger and resentment.  I know it will hurt me more than it will hurt her – it already is. I haven’t been able to sleep well since the accident. For the first two nights it was reliving the terror of seeing the car about to hit us and not being able to protect ds4, repeatedly seeing his body lying in the street and not knowing if she would stop before she ran over him.  Now I’m processing about how she’s responding and that’s not lending itself to a restful mind.

You know what gives me some comfort, what I try to focus on?  That everything in this world happens for a reason.  And that everyone pays the price for being the person who they choose to be; even if it seems she’s getting away with this now, she has to live with being a person lacking in character.  I don’t want revenge, I don’t want bad things to happen to her.  But I know that ultimately there’s no such thing as getting away with anything, no matter how it seems in the short term.

So if you ask me how I am, I honestly have to say that my  mind is too full of thoughts I don’t want it to be full of.  It’s going to take some time to release the emotions all of this has brought up but I’m hoping to slowly move into a better mindset.

Avivah