Category Archives: homeschooling

2014 Torah Home Education Conference – don’t miss it!

homeschooling

homeschoolAs the founder of the Torah Home Education Conference, it is an event close to my heart.  I started this because there was so much support for homeschooling families, but nothing that addressed the unique needs of Orthodox Jewish families – and the Torah Home Education Conference was born!   When we moved to Israel the organizing was taken over by very dedicated homeschooling moms who are continuing to bring fantastic and inspiring content to attendees!

The conference will be held on Sunday May 25, 2014, from 9 am – 6 pm in Englewood, NJ.  There will be workshops on a wide variety of topics and there’s definitely something for everyone!  For the first time since moving here I’ll be speaking at the conference via Skype on ‘Creating an Abundant Life’ – click here to check out the wonderful lineup and other details!

A catered meal is available, childcare is available, loads of homeschooling parents for you to meet and mingle with will be there, inspiration and information galore – so what are you waiting for??  Go sign up right now!!  (The deadline for childcare is this Sunday, May 4, so if having this piece in place is important for you to be able to attend, get on it!:) )

Avivah

Getting back to our regular routine

homeschooling, parenting

It has been quite an eventful month!  It’s been so wonderful to have had all the kids home together, it makes my heart so happy.  Now everyone is trickling out…dd17 left to Jerusalem on Saturday night, dd19 left to the States last night (Mon), ds20 and ds15 left yesterday morning (Weds.  When dd17 was getting ready to leave she was feeling really sad about it, and I told her, it’s a good thing to be sad because it means you have something good that you’re leaving.  If you wouldn’t have a family to feel connected to and miss when you’re gone, that would be really sad.  I told ds15 something similar, when he commented to me about how sad it is that everyone was leaving.

It’s been wonderful and at the same time we’ve been out of our normal routine, so the positive aspect of life going back to normal is that we can get back to a more predictable daily flow.  While everyone enjoys vacation, there’s something grounding about our regular schedule that is really appreciated by everyone.

I started easing into our regular schedule by making a menu plan for the rest of the week – we’ve had too many days lately when it’s 5 or 6 pm and everyone is hungry, and we kind of look around and wonder what we’re going to eat!   Having a plan means that chicken can be taken out to defrost and beans soaked in advance – little things like that make such a difference.  When the prep steps are done in a timely way, it’s lots easier to have meals prepared on time – I got the chicken and chickpeas started cooking for two separate dishes early in the day and they simmered away while I was reading/doing academic work with the kids.

The house is already much cleaner, meals are on the table on time, the kids are going to sleep earlier…ah, the beauty of a routine!  We’re not yet totally back to normal but it’s pretty close!

Avivah

 

 

Give your child space to do something new without trying for a repeat performance

homeschooling, parenting

y and e - dec 2013Yesterday, Yirmiyahu was playing on the floor with ds7 – ds7 was on his hands and knees in front of him, and Yirmiyahu pulled himself up by holding on to ds7.  Nothing new about that, he does it all the time.  What was different this time is that ds7 moved away, and Yirmiyahu stayed standing!

I was right next to them and said something intelligent like, “Oh, my gosh, Yirmi’s standing all by himself, look, look, look!”   I expected him to fall right away but he stayed standing a surprisingly long time.  Yirmiyahu was watching me watch him and his look clearly said, what’s the big deal? He’s been very stable for a long time when standing and usually holds on just barely to something in his vicinity, and he didn’t seem to be aware that this time was any different.

y and d

The kids were very excited – dd13 ran in from her room to see but he wasn’t standing by that point anymore.  So then everyone wanted to get him to do it again, and they kept moving away when he was standing next to them.  Of course he sat right back down.  I told them to leave him be – we know he can do it and he’ll do it again when he’s ready, and to push him at this point will put him back rather than move him forward.   I don’t want to intimidate him by asking him to perform and do something he’s not yet ready to do more of.  He’s only going to repeat it when he feels secure and ready, and if we push too soon it’s going to negatively impact his feelings of security and readiness.

y - 17 moAfter I told them this, it reminded me of something I read recently in Anat Baniel’s book, Kids Without Limits.  I went back to look it up so I could quote it here for you.  She said that “we want a child to feel and perceive differences and to focus on his own experience as it’s happening,” and when we ask a child to do repeat something he has just done for the first time, the demand “will often short-circuit the process in the brain of forming the new skill.”  She goes on to explain that when a child does something for the first time, he usually didn’t do it intentionally; he knows what it felt like on the inside but not how to reproduce that, and what he needs is time to focus inward on what he did, not be asked to focus outward and repeat.  She cautions parents that a new skill can seem to disappear when children are pressured to repeat their performance and often that inhibits the child and makes it much harder for him to do it again.

sh and y - 17 moThis is a common learning pattern of children (and maybe us adults, too!) of all ages.  When they do something new, they often don’t feel the need to do it again and again right away.  More commonly they build up to it bit by bit until they’re really comfortable with it.  And then they do it all the time!

I had this situation – also yesterday – with ds11.  He told me how much he loves reading and that he’d like me to help him get more ‘hard’ books.  This enjoyment of reading hasn’t come quickly – as an auditory learner that’s no surprise – and though I’ve watched his ability and enjoyment of reading steadily growing, I chose not to point it out to him.  I felt that bringing it to his attention would make him focus on his perceived lack of ability before he felt confident about his reading.  Instead I kept my observations to myself, and that gave him the opportunity to really know inside him that he’s a strong reader without me saying a word.

This can seem counter-intuitive; there’s a tendency to think we can make something happen by focusing hard on it and repeating things again and again, or by constantly praising and complimenting our kids.  Sometimes that helps. But often organic growth just isn’t like that – it can’t be forced, only encouraged.

Avivah

 

 

Inner contentment from the alignment of values and actions

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Most of us start off homeschooling with a lot of trepidation, excitement and a vision of something beautiful, something we think we might be able to have if we make this choice that we wouldn’t otherwise have.  And at first it’s exciting because we can remember how life was before and the contrast makes us grateful.  But then sometimes we get stuck in the day to day and lose sight of our long term vision along with how things used to be.  You begin to take for granted what you have – you doubt what you’re doing, the house isn’t clean enough, the kids aren’t learning enough, you don’t have enough time for yourself and you wonder why you thought this was a good idea!  (Yes, I sometimes have those feelings, too!)  We just lose perspective.

When I recently received a lovely email from a homeschooling mom, I asked her permission to share it with you.  It’s been over five years since I shared a letter like this, so I figured it’s time for another one!  The last one was from a mom in the US, this one is from a mom in Israel.

>>As for homeschooling, in case I needed the validation, my sister told me yesterday that her daughter, who lives here, told her that homeschooling was the best thing we did for our family and ourselves. She said she sees our contentment and inner peace — ours and the kids’ — even though she knows it’s not a perfect utopia all the time. And she’s right; I would describe us the same way.

There are so many things I love about homeschooling, it would be impossible to list them all but at the top of my list would be learning along with my children. Not just learning information but learning about each other, about life, about how to do homeschooling. I love learning with them that the process is at least as important as the product, and this applies to every area of our lives. There is so much more, but if I continued I just wouldn’t stop 🙂

I want to thank you again for your guidance and inspiration. You’ve helped us look at things in a whole new way and opened up a whole world of opportunity to our family.<<

Contentment and inner peace – those are the same feelings I have about homeschooling when I take the time to step back from the day to day busyness and reflect.  It’s not specifically homeschooling that causes this feeling; rather it’s a result of when a person aligns their values and their actions.  Every day we’re faced with choices in different areas of our lives, and when we can align them with our higher values, it’s incredibly empowering and inner contentment is a natural result.

Avivah

When to stay with something and when to move on

homemaking, homeschooling, marriage, miscellaneous, personal development

It’s interesting how comments and questions on certain issues seem to often come as groups.  This has happened recently with the topic of making a change – I was asked the same question by three different people in close succession: when is moving toward change positive and when is it running away from a problem.  Interestingly, all three were in situations in which a change would be beneficial, which made me wonder if it’s the people who have a tendency to stay in difficult situations who phrase the question in this way.

The most recent person to ask me about this was my dd17 when she was home for Chanukah vacation.  She’s living with an elderly woman which provides her with a place to live and a salary and she’s studying in an Israeli seminary – where she lives and where she studies are both difficult situations.  She’s not happy but told me she’s not sure if she needs to stick this out.  I told her, “If you’re a member of this family, your issue isn’t going to be running away from problems but staying in a non-suitable situation too long and trying to see the positives.”

Being positive and looking for the good in life is important, but you can’t let that keep you from acknowledging when a situation needs to be changed.   I suggested that first step is for her to be honest about how she’s feeling, not to rationalize or justify staying where she is because she doesn’t know how it can work out financially to do something different – just to acknowledge to herself how she’s really feeling and be willing to say, ‘I’m not happy’.  Then after getting in touch with that feeling – which doesn’t take too long once you clear away the mental clutter – to ask herself: “Is this situation supporting me and the life I want to have?  If not, why not?  What would be more supportive of my needs?”

So she did that and we talked quite a bit about what this means for her.  This week she gave notice to the family of the woman she works for that she’ll be leaving in a month, is interviewing with another family as a possible place to stay, and contacted the principal of an American seminary here in Israel to see if a mid-year transfer is possible.  I asked her how she felt and she said it all feels good.

It seems to me that most people get stuck on one side or another of this question when they have to ask themselves the question about if their current life situation serves them or not.  Many people stay with situations that aren’t supportive for too long, not believing that anything better is out there, thinking that they don’t deserve for things to be good or blaming themselves for the way the situation is.

Others go to the other extreme, moving from place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, always blaming others for their situations and searching for that elusive happiness in the next place.  When a person is having a hard time in life because of who they are, they carry that with them wherever they go.  Someone who hosts a lot of people checking out her community told me she can tell right away who is a good candidate and who isn’t by asking why they want to move.  She said when people start complaining about everything that is wrong with where they’re currently living, she knows they’re going to miserable in her community, too.

So how can you tell when you objectively would be better off in a different life situation?  When are you running away from something instead of putting in the effort and time to make things work, and when are you moving forward towards a better and more fulfilling life?

This is a really individual situation and sometimes for the same person, it can look very different in different situations.  If you’re in an abusive situation, generally the faster you get out, the better.  Aside from that, we have to remember that all beginnings are difficult and time takes time.  Don’t give up on your current situation too soon – think about what specifically is missing for you, and what you can do to make it work for you.  If you’ve put in time and effort and after a reasonable amount of time things aren’t improving, you probably are seeing the reality of the situation and it’s time to think about making a change.  Don’t blame yourself for being where you are right now; it is what it is, you learned something from where you were and now you can move on.

Since we can’t be objective about ourselves, it’s very valuable to get feedback from someone outside of the situation who is willing to listen to you without projecting themselves onto the scenario.  At times when I’ve grappled with choices of this sort and spoken to friends, it’s been interesting how obvious the answer to my question was to them!  People outside the situation can often see things more clearly since they aren’t fixated on all the tiny details that our minds can get tangled up with.

If you’ve determined that change would be beneficial for you, have courage.  Trust that life is meant to be good, that you are worthy of good and that you will overcome the initial challenges the new situation is going to present you with.  Making a change like this is an act of self-value and self-love; we can’t have better things in our lives until we recognize that we deserve better in our lives.

If you’ve grappled with decisions of this sort, please share how you recognized when it was time to make a change or stick things out!

Avivah

Funnix math and reading programs – free until Dec. 20

homeschooling

Funnix has a free offer of their early reading (kids approx. 4 – 7) and beginning math program (approximately kindergarten).  This morning I ordered both.  Click here to see the details of the offer.

I tend to be cautious about computer based learning because while there is so much potential learning online, there are disadvantages and online time has to be carefully moderated.  Computer learning can often make skill acquisition easier when the material is presented in a fun and engaging way.   Too much screen time is unhealthy for kids so any computer learning should be used sparingly.

Years ago I noticed that even after 30 minutes on a computer learning game, my kids were more edgy and irritable for a period of time afterward and at that point I cut out just about all computer games as a result.    Now I use computer time in small bite sized pieces and this has been pretty effective in minimizing the negative effects, of being too zoned into the computer and too zoned out of human connection.

Avivah

School-wide gemara test at ds14’s yeshiva

aliyah, homeschooling

A couple of days ago ds14 participated in a school-wide gemara test. I didn’t initially realize how significant this was, since he has so many tests and I assumed it was just one more. But when he mentioned this test several times and commented that he’s been studying a lot for it, I realized it wasn’t a standard test and asked for more details.  That’s when I learned that once a year, the entire high school participates in this gemara competition.

There are two parts to the test. The first is a written test of 30 difficult questions; all the high school students do the same test and everyone who scores above an 80% advances to the next level.  There was so much tension about this test – ds called us as soon as he came out of the testing to tell us he was finished and thought he did well.  He said everyone who walked out of the room was practically bouncing from the relief of having finished.

Then in the early afternoon, all the tests had been graded and the results of who would be proceeding to the finals was announced to the entire student body, with lots of cheering for each person after their name was announced. Of the ninth grade, ds14 and his study partner were the only ones who scored high enough for the next level of testing. He was excited (though nervous) and it sounded like everyone else was, too! I thought it sounded like a lot of pressure but most of the pressure was the first level – it’s kind of like you proved yourself just by being able to advance, regardless of how well you do at that level.

The next part of the testing was that evening. The way it worked was that verbal questions were asked of each student; when someone missed a question he was out of the competition. They started with questions that were of medium difficulty, and during the first round five of the ten contestants were eliminated.  They continued with questions of increasing difficulty but no one was getting any answers wrong. Finally, they announced that they hadn’t anticipated that everyone would do so well, and didn’t have enough questions to keep going at that pace. So, they continued, they would ask questions and the first one to raise his hand would be given the chance to answer first (instead of going in order and asking each student a different question).  The first one to give the right answer would be the winner.

They asked the first question, and two students raised their hands – ds and an older student. The older student didn’t answer correctly, so it went to ds14. Ds gave his answer, explaining the answer thoroughly.  But he couldn’t remember the Hebrew term to sum up this concept (a hazard of being a non-native Hebrew speaker). Another student saw ds was stuck for the word and provided it. The room broke out into cheers when it was announced that his answer was correct, but ds thought he wasn’t going to get full credit for his answer and that as a result he hadn’t won.

The round continued, and ds raised his hands for the next couple of questions but wasn’t called on. Since the rules were that the first person to raise his hand got the chance to answer first, he asked them why they weren’t letting him answer. They told him, “Because you already won first place so we’re continuing the questioning to determine the second and third prize winners!” He had no idea! Everyone had realized except for him.  He told me later he was sorry he didn’t realize all the cheering was for him. 🙂

The contest was a really big deal – it’s only happened once before that a ninth grader won this competition and it’s an honor for a student of any age to win – and everyone was very excited for him. His classmates were extra pleased since the entire class of whoever won was to be treated to a barbeque. He received a full set of Talmud as a prize, which is now gracing our bookshelf at home.

Of course we’re also very proud of him! He studied hard and applied himself, and though there’s always the luck factor in this kind of competition (eg who raises his hand faster), he knew the material well. When he called to tell me that morning that he was going to be in the finals, I had a feeling he was going to win. It’s not that I expected it – to me the effort he put into studying was the most important part, not his performance during the testing – I just had a feeling about it.  Right after I got off the phone with him that morning, a clear picture flashed through my mind of him winning and bringing home the Shas (Talmud).

I’ll share about his background in gemara studies for those who may be wondering.  He was homeschooled through sixth grade and since we philosophically believe it’s better to hold off on gemara studies until boys are cognitively more developed, our boys start studying Talmud at a later age than the norm (most boys in school begin in fourth or fifth grade).  He entered school for the first time when he was in seventh grade, so that was his first official exposure to gemara.  For the first year he wasn’t getting much since he was learning Hebrew and didn’t understand most of what was said.  When he was in eighth grade his Hebrew comprehension was much better so that was when he was more engaged by his gemara studies.  Now he’s in ninth grade, as I mentioned earlier.

This was interesting and validating for me for two reasons: 1) according to mainstream belief, he should be at a disadvantage with his schooled peers; 2) Israelis are often said to be at a much higher level than Americans when it comes to Torah study, with the assumption that Americans will find it difficult to catch up, much less hold their own.  I’m grateful that neither of these have proven true for ds!

Avivah

Is cleaning help a necessity?

homemaking, homeschooling

 >>So… 5 kids, oldest is almost 7 and youngest is 4 months. Trying very hard to homeschool.  My resources are extremely limited, from finances to actual help from other people, included family. I spoke to a friend last Thursday who called me out of the blue to see how I was doing. She asked if I had cleaning help, I told her no, (I’ve had cleaning help on and off since my 3rd was 6 months old, depending on finances). Friday she sent me cleaning help as a gift for having my baby. I was so grateful that I was in tears when they came. I was sick most of last week and I know it’s from over-exertion and stress. I was so extremely thankful for the cleaning help, it’s truly what i needed to enter shabbos with a clear mind. This friend, also while doing something very generous for me, also made me feel quite guilty for not having cleaning help and the consequences it will have on my kids for not getting help(like having this stressed out mommy who is always trying to clean and do everything else, expecting the kids to help beyond what they’re capable of). I told her it’s not my thing to live so above my means and I can’t justify paying for it when I have debts and trying to budget for necessities (we do the best we can). She then told me that cleaning help is a necessity, that it should be up there with food and a home.

I know there is no right or wrong way, but choosing a way that works best for us. And I’m not asking you if I should or shouldn’t spend the money on cleaning help, that decision is up to me and my husband. But I was hoping you could give me some guidance.<<

I can relate to the many demands you’re feeling: a number of young children who are home all day, the responsibility of homeschooling, a husband who is away for work a lot and consequently not very available to help out and no extra money to ease the situation.  This is exactly my situation for a long time.  

As anyone who’s been reading for long enough knows, I think it’s really important that kids learn to help out.  The house isn’t just the mother’s responsibility; everyone lives in it and everyone should be contributing something.  That means teaching your kids to help out, and this itself is a job.  My dd15 took over running the house while Yirmiyahu was in the NICU, and she told me then that when she was younger and I told her she needed to help with chores not because it was easier for me but because it was important for her she didn’t believe me at all.  Then she tried to get the younger kids to help out, experienced firsthand spending a long time getting a younger child to do a job that would literally take her two minutes, and suddenly understood what I told her all those years before.  In the short term it takes a lot of time and energy to teach your kids to help.  It’s mostly in the long run that you see the payoff.

Having said that, even if your kids are helpful, we have to be realistic about how much to ask of them.  With your kids the ages they are, you’re at the very beginning of the path of teaching them; they aren’t able to help significantly and you’re going to have a lot of mess.  That means we have to have a reasonable expectation of what our home is going to look like.  Dr. Sarah Chana Radcliffe once wrote (quoting by memory so this isn’t exact), “There are very few women who can balance ‘clean and shiny’ with ‘scream and whiny’!” and I agree with this.  I like a really clean home.  But I know that I can’t have that level of clean without being a lot more demanding of my family and myself.  I can’t have my kids home all day and be a reasonably pleasant mother and also keep everything looking as if no one lives here.  It’s just not going to happen unless I decide that a clean house is a top priority – which it isn’t.  My kids and husband are my top priority.

It’s a problem – our culture paints pictures of what a home should look like that are simply not realistic for the vast majority of people, and then we stress out and feel inadequate because we can’t meet that picture.  It’s like pictures of models that have been airbrushed and then women compare themselves to them- even the models don’t look like their pictures so why should anyone be trying to meet a standard that doesn’t exist in real life?  Similarly, it’s unlikely that most people homeschooling five kids under the age of 7 have a sparkling house without cleaning help.  Actually, when I spoke to a good friend about this several years ago, she provided a reality check and said told me she doesn’t know anyone who isn’t homeschooling who has that ‘magazine’ clean without cleaning help!

An older friend who is no longer alive and was herself the mother of ten children once said to me, “Avivah, a factory that is in operation is going to be a mess.  When a factory is clean, it’s not in business.”  I took my kids to the Herrs’ potato chip factory a couple of times and though it seems so much is automated that a mess can’t happen, we saw a couple of large spills of chips in different sections of the factory – even factories with all their machinery and automation and paid workers can’t make it look sterile and perfect all the time.  Her point was that our homes are in use and constant messes are just par for the course, and this is not only tolerable but something beautiful – our kids are living here!  We’re doing things with them!  They feel safe enough to make messes!

One time I hosted a women’s event at my home and several women were commenting, “Your house is so spotless, it’s so quiet, how did you get your kids to sleep?”  I laughed and told them, of course it’s neat, it’s the end of the day and I knew people were coming so we cleaned up and got everyone to bed earlier than usual!  I assured them that two hours before that it looked quite different!  Isn’t it strange how we know what we have to do to make our house look good and that sometimes we scramble to pull it off, but assume when we go to someone else’s house that she did it effortlessly and it always looks like that?

People are very different in their needs and how they deal with not having things the way they want them to be.  I never had cleaning help and worked on having realistic expectations of myself and my kids, in addition to having systems in place to make things run as smoothly as possible (ie meal plans, chore charts, daily schedules).  I have a good friend who is in a financially tight situation who said she considers cleaning help critical and is sorry she didn’t get this help years ago.  For myself I have a really  hard time putting cleaning help up there as a necessity along with food and a place to live but for some people that’s what they need.  I have a strong value for staying out of debt and living within my means and it would be really hard for me to say, “I don’t have the money for this but I’m doing it anyway.”  If it was enough of a value for me I’d have found a way, just as my friend did.

So to sum up – I agree with your friend that being tense and expecting too much of your kids isn’t healthy.  Getting cleaning help is one way to address that.  But it’s not the only way.  Another is to let go of the tension and expectations.  Streamline what really needs to be done for the house to look reasonable – 80% of the cleanliness of your home will come from 20% of your efforts, so identify what the 20% effort you need to make is and focus on that.  For me it means clearing surfaces (this includes dishes) and and the floor – the little cluttery things build up and make everything look messy, so I try to keep that at bay.  An example of this approach for me is that I sweep several times a day to keep the floor clear but I only mop once a week (I spot clean if there’s a messy spill) – the extra level of shine is nice for Shabbos but doesn’t dramatically affect the look of the house on a daily basis.

Take the same approach to determining how to spend your effort homeschooling – you can easily get overwhelmed by all the subjects you think you need to cover, projects or trips you need to do – but 80% of your results are going to come from 20% of your efforts.  This is why I put my energies toward teaching the basics – the three Rs – and teaching my kids to become independent learners.  When you have extra time, then you can start doing the things that take 80 percent of your energy and only give you 20% of your results.

Let go of unrealistic expectations and do what you need to do to show yourself the love and care you deserve.  This may be getting cleaning help, it may be repaying debt…only you can know what’s right for you.  And remember – it does get easier as the kids get older!

Avivah

Solar eclipse today – Israel

homeschooling

I just found out that there will be a solar eclipse later today that is viewable in Israel, and will be meeting a friend and her kids at the park.  She is much more on the ball than I am since I had no idea about this until she told me.  She made a viewer to watch the eclipse so I’m going to piggyback on her preparation!

Here’s a link for some details if you’re interested: http://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/in/israel/tel-aviv

Now I’m off to find some resources so we can spend some time this morning learning about this so the kids will know what’s going to be happening!

Aviviah

‘Read with your children, not to them’

homeschooling, parenting

Today is Day 30 of 31 for 21.

Sometimes I read studies that come out and I almost shake my head that something so intuitive had to be scientifically proven.  The one I’m sharing today is like that, but it’s valuable anyway as a reinforcer for all you parents who read with your kids and involve them in the story- in short, you’re doing a really good thing for them!

“Research has found that reading with young children and engaging them can make a positive impact on the child’s future and their family.”  Here’s the synopsis of the study here.

Avivah