Category Archives: homeschooling

Wedding, upsherin, yeshiva update

homeschooling, marriage, parenting

Today has been such a wonderful day!  I’m going to sum up today in just one post, so it’s going to be long – consider yourself forewarned! 🙂

We started the day by getting ready for my mother’s wedding.  Originally it was scheduled for mid October, but at the beginning of August they moved the date to today so that my dd15 would be able to be there before leaving to study abroad for the year.  My mother realized how important it was to dd15 to be there, and felt that it was important that all of our kids be there.  It meant a lot of extra time pressure for them and because it overlapped with this very busy time for our family, I really wasn’t able to be of much help in planning.  Fortunately, there were a number of wonderful friends who were there for them and were just incredible in the level of help and support they offered.  I actually think it was good that I couldn’t be involved since it gave my mother a chance to see how many people really cared about her.

Figuring out what everyone should wear was the biggest challenge the night before, since I didn’t have time to do any wedding shopping, so I relied on ‘shopping’ in my attic, which served me well for the boys.  The girls went out to a thrift store late Friday afternoon and found a couple of items – they decided they all wanted to wear black and white so they’d match.  Even though I would have preferred more color for the little boys, I went ahead and dressed them all in black pants, white shirts, and dark vests.  They looked very cute, and it was definitely easy to color coordinate them.  🙂

Anyway, my mom spent Shabbos with us and asked if I’d take her to the wedding, which I was very happy to do.  Initially I thought I’d go myself, take her to the synagogue where the ceremony was being held, and then go back for the kids.  But in the end we all piled into the car to get her.  As soon as she opened the door to the van, everyone broke out into singing for her.  We got there early for photos, and I got to meet her fiance’s family members; they were a little apprehensive about the unfamiliarity of an Orthodox wedding ceremony, but were lovely people.

It was a beautiful wedding – everyone remarked on it.  I keep thinking about it, trying to put my finger on what was so special about it.  Everything was done nicely, but it was a simple event, not in a fancy hall or with extravagant catering or a huge crowd of people.  The chupah was held on the front lawn of the synagogue, under a chupa loaned and set up by a friend.  (Afterward I asked the man it belonged to how many weddings it had been used for, and he led me underneath and showed me an embroidered square with the name, date, and location for each couple that had so far used it – it was about eight so far.

The food set up and clean up, and much more than just that, was orchestrated by a wonderful family who both my mother and her new husband are close with.  There was a nice but not huge group of people attending – about 100 for the meal and more for the chupah and dancing, but I’m not sure how much more.   But everything about it was just so nice.  I think a big part it was was the obvious happiness of the couple, and the palpable support of family and friends.  It’s really only people who can create the environment, not the location or price of the food.

A few people asked me how it felt to be ‘marrying off’ my mother.  (Our kids all walked down the aisle, and I was the one by her side where traditionally a mother would be.)  My answer is that it didn’t feel strange at all – I’m so happy for my mother to have found such a wonderful person to spend the rest of her life with.   My mother has often marveled at my relationship with my husband over these last eighteen years.  Several times she’s asked me how I did it, and my first answer is always that I married a wonderful person, and that’s the most important thing.  She told me recently she finally understood what I meant;  she was able to now see that marriage doesn’t have to be constant hard work and realize how much easier marriage could be when you marry someone who you have a strong and meaningful emotional connection with.

We look at it as our family growing – the kids have a new grandfather, and his mother we’ve dubbed ‘Grandma (firstname); his brother and sister are now aunts and uncles.  He doesn’t have any children from his previous marriage and has inherited a large and very active family – us!  Fortunately his family seems to like us (my kids overheard his mother talking about them to and she kept saying how wonderful they were, so it seems they’re happy wit the family he’s marrying into!)

We left the house at 9:45 am, the wedding started at 11 am, and though it was officially scheduled for two hours, we didn’t get home until about 3:30.  Since I had the upsherin (birthday party for three year old boy) scheduled for 5 pm, it didn’t leave me much time to get ready. I asked dd15 to quickly whip up a cake, chose to forgo shopping for fruit and vegetable platters, and used apple and orange juice left from the wedding for beverages.  I had purchased a good bit of snack foods during my monthly shopping trip a couple of weeks ago.  After less than half hour getting the house and food on track, as well as putting the littles in for a nap, I left the girls to put together some snack trays while I went down the block to the engagement party of a neighbor’s son (who was in my carpool just three years ago!).   (Dd15 came with me but only stayed long enough to verbalize her congratulations.)  I stayed there for about a half hour, then came back about 35 minutes before the upsherin.

Ds3 was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep on the couch immediately after we came home from the wedding, and I was concerned that he’d be so groggy that he’d be out of sorts when he woke up.  But fortunately he woke up fairly smoothly after the house started filling up – the excitement of all the people definitely helped!  Since it was at the house and I have so much going on now that I didn’t want to create a huge pressure for myself, we didn’t invite a large crowd.  We invited grandparents, and three families, two of which were large.  But we had almost 40 people there (including my family, of course!) even though we kept it small.  This is the first time that we’ve had an upsherin with anyone from outside of the family present.  And it was really nice.  Ds did great sitting calmly while about 35 people cut snips of his long blond hair.  It was a lovely party which we all enjoyed.

Ds17 managed to get a ride from NY at 4 am from a friend of my mother’s – it was a last minute arrangement which I was so grateful for.  The day he went to NY for yeshiva, there was a major fire that affected the train routes, and when he got to his transfer point, he was stranded for a couple of hours until he ended up getting a cab with a couple of other people to the final train stop.  We found out late Friday afternoon that the damage still hadn’t been repaired and therefore the train that connects him to Manhattan still wasn’t running.  We really weren’t sure how to get him home in time for the wedding.  Because he’s so new there, he’s not yet familiar with subways and buses, and the times were so tight (he needed to arrive here by 10 am, meaning he needed to leave Manhattan before 7 am, and it takes 90 minutes to get into Manhattan from where he is) that there was no margin for error.  I mentioned my dilemma to my mom on Shabbos, and she told me she had a friend coming from the general area for the wedding.  She wasn’t sure how far away it was, or what their schedule was, but immediately after Shabbos she made a couple of calls and her friend agreed to pick ds up from his dorm (at 4 am).

This was a major blessing, since he got here 8 am, went straight to synagogue for morning services, and was back exactly in time to leave with us to pick up my mother.  And this wonderful couple offered to take him back tonight, and that’s what they did – and thanks to their offer, he was able to take substantially more than he could have taken on the bus in one suitcase.  That was great since he only took enough clothing for the first few days, and now was able to take some bulky things he was missing, like a blanket (he only took sheets).

I really didn’t have time to have a meaningful conversation with ds17 at all today (or any of the other kids, for that matter), since we were busy with one thing after another.  I told him I’m looking forward to hearing lots about everything when he comes home for Sukkos – but fortunately when we spoke on the phone several times in the last week, his overwhelming feedback is that he’s extremely happy in yeshiva.  He told me during one of those conversations that everyone is very positive about homeschooling; the peer feedback is that they think he was lucky, that it’s great/cool.  People have repeatedly been surprised at how young he is and that he’s so mature – he was chatting with a 20 year old at breakfast, and at the end the young man said, “I can’t believe I’ve just had an intelligent conversation over breakfast!”  He mentioned today that he already has a reputation, so I asked him, “As the boy who homeschooled?”  He said, “No, as a ‘shtarke bochur’ (used to describe someone who is serious about his studies) – that’s how his rebbi introduced him to his wife, and how his learning partner introduced him to someone else.  🙂    It’s such a delight to hear in his voice how happy he is about literally everything.  (I was chatting with dh about this, and I told him, “That’s our secret – deprive them of things everyone else forces down their throat – eg, yeshiva, and then they feel so lucky when we finally let them have it!”)

I finished the day by taking dd15 to an appointment to try to clear up some things before she leaves in a couple of days.  We got home quite late at night, but are all glad we can look back on today as a wonderfully full and special day.

Avivah

Encouraging love of learning in disenchanted teen

homeschooling, parenting

>>I read with great interest your posting about your son learning mishnayos, well done! You said kids just want to do the right thing etc and it’s better if they are not pushed, but this is not always the case. I didn’t want to post this in the comments, but I have a 14 year old son who has absolutley no interest in learning (he also wants a smaller yarmulke, never wants to wear his tzizis out, doesn’t want to wear a hat, wants to go to a less frum school etc etc – in general wants to push the boundaries on yiddishkeit). Whenver my husband tries to learn so gemorrah with him, my son puts up a great big fuss, and it’s really not pleasant. I am wondering if your husband himself learns after davening, I bet his does. Someone posted that it’s really to do with modelling, kids model the behaviour of their parents.

Now what do you do if your husband has no interest in learning? I would love my son to learn and it really hurts me that he doesn’t, he even spends much of Shabbos afternoon lying on his bed reading (usually non Jewish books). He has so much time to learn, but he doesn’t. (ALthough he does go to a shiur – not text based – after mincha, so maybe I shouldn’t complain). But he does not ever revise his gemorrah.

The thing is that he never sees his father sitting down to learn, and also his father never ever ever ever in all the years once asked him to learn without me first asking his father to learn wtih our son! This pains me deeply (that my husband, and now my son have no interest in learning), and has pained me for many many years (over 10). I have never told anyone this, as I don’t want to put my husband down to other people. I have had many phone calls over the years from my sons’ teachers telling me how he shows little interest in learning, but what on earth am I supposed to do about it? (I feel like telling them, well it’s not surprising as he never sees his father learn either!).  I have been told not to push my son, so we don’t, but I don’t really see how this will help the  situation. We dno’t push him and he doesn’t learn! Gemorrah is not a subject you can just drop, he will need to go to yeshiva in a few years and learn gemorrah all day, and I wonder how this will work. What do I do?<<

When I read your question, my sense was that there are a few issues behind the expressed concern about Torah learning.  When concerns are religiously based, we tend to not question what our deepest beliefs behind those concerns are, and assume that we have the right intentions in mind.  But although I believe there is real pain about your son’s lack of interest in Judaism and Torah learning, I have a sense that there’s a lot more going on than that.

My feeling is that the primary issues you’re facing are:  a) your relationship with your son isn’t good; b) your husband’s relationship with your son isn’t good; c) your marriage isn’t good; d) you’re very unhappy in general.  Please forgive me in advance for making assumptions that may not be accurate.

Yes, I said in the past that children want to do the right thing, and want to be close to their parents.  That goes along with the following caveat – when children are treated with acceptance and appreciation for who they are, they want to do the right thing.  When they feel a strong and positive bond to their parents, they will strive to emulate their parents. When they feel the heavy weight of expectations they can’t meet or don’t want to meet, it’s a different scenario altogether.

What happens if a child doesn’t feel accepted for who he is?  What if he senses that the approval he receives is dependent on him acting in a certain way, or doing certain things? Yes, we should have standards for our children and hold them to those standards.  A child can see his parents are displeased with bad behavior and appreciate good behavior.  But he should know that he is loved for who he is at the core, even if he doesn’t always live up to our standards.  This isn’t easy to do as a parent, particularly for some children, who due to behavior or personality, are harder to love and accept as they are.

Your son is making it clear that he doesn’t find the way Judaism is practiced in your home meaningful or positive.  This isn’t about gemara – this is about a general dissatisfaction and perhaps cynicism about the value of the life you’re telling him to lead.  He’s not finding inspiration by watching how this plays out in the lives of the adults around him.  Your husband isn’t the only influence on your son.  There are people who are married to spouses who aren’t religious at all who have been successful in giving over a love for Judaism and learning!

Don’t make yourself a victim or tell yourself you have no power.  You’re placing a lot of blame on your husband for things that you have plenty of room to affect for the better.   Stop blaming him and start owning your part – this is a hard thing to do, because you are getting some kind of payback for thinking the way you’re currently thinking that you’ll have to give up.  What are those paybacks?  You’re the one who knows yourself, and you’re the only one who can answer it.  I’m guessing that one very big thing is that you don’t have to be accountable.  No matter what happens to your son, you can say it’s because he didn’t have a father who learned with him, or whatever else.

But maybe you’re wondering, where do you have power?  The mother is the main one who creates the home environment.  No matter who your husband is or isn’t, you can become an emotionally safe and loving person for your son, so that in your presence your son feels secure and accepted to be the person he is, with all of his flaws, fears, and ambivalence.

Support actions that you like and focus on that, and you’ll get more of it.  Focus on all the things your son doesn’t do, and he’ll get the feeling that he’s never good enough and no matter what he does, he can’t make you happy.  I’ll turn the examples you gave upside down: instead of ‘he doesn’t want to wear a hat’, think with appreciation that he wears a yarmulke; instead of ‘he doesn’t want to wear his tzitzis out’, think how wonderful it is that he wears tzitzis even at times when it is uncomfortable or inconvenient; instead of focusing on the secular literature he reads, think how glad you are that you know where he is and what he’s doing, that he chooses decent quality books to read (if that’s true), that he’s not hanging out on street corners with unsavory friends engaging in dangerous or immoral behavior.  You can see where I’m going with this, right? 🙂  Whatever negative you feel, turn it upside down and try to find the positive in it.

What if you take your son to the Jewish library (if you have one) prior to Shabbos, and tell him you know how much he loves to read, and you’d like to help him find things he can enjoy that are in the spirit of Shabbos?  Show him that you understand he’s bored when there’s nothing to do, and are willing to exert yourself to help him find things.  What about taking him to the public library? There are things like inspiring biographies of famous people, motivational books written specifically for teens – maybe it doesn’t match your ideal of Shabbos reading, but it can still be a positive way for your son to use his time.  What about making time to play a board game or card game with him on Shabbos (eg Rumikub)?

Start consciously noticing all the good things your son does every single day – make it a goal to list ten different things a day.  It will be hard at first because you’ll be looking for big things, and you’re going to have to start noticing the small things that you take for granted, or things that don’t seem noteworthy at all.  Don’t tell your son you’re doing this; your attitude towards him will shift and he’ll feel it.

You can be enthusiastic and supportive of whatever learning he does – perhaps let him know you’re so proud that he chooses to go to a Torah lecture on Shabbos afternoon during his free time.  Who cares if it’s text based or not? Maybe you can bake something special for him to have when he gets back from his lecture.  Take five minutes when he comes home to sit down with him while he has a refreshing drink or a treat, and ask him what he learned.  You can share your thoughts, too.  Keep it light and positive, with the focus on the good person he is.  This goes very far in creating a positive feeling towards learning.

I’m going to try to clarify what is meant by the recommendation not ‘to push’.  That means, let go of your emotional expectations and the negative energy that you’re projecting along with it.  It doesn’t mean you stop trying to be a good role model – be a person who has joy in her Jewish life, a person who learns on her own or values those who learn.  Model for your son what a life of meaning in Judaism is to you.  It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it’s really what matters to you.  Kids can sniff out hypocrisy and preaching from miles away, so don’t start faking it.  Think about why you do what you do, what it is you do that gives meaning to your life.  I share these things with my kids in conversation on a regular basis.

It seems there is a lot of resentment and anger towards your husband.  You’re not expressing it directly, and it’s understandable to have so much frustration when you feel your child’s other parent isn’t working with you to create the home you want.  But realize that as admirable as your goals for Torah learning of your son and husband are, they are rooted in ego.  We develop ideas of what the people in our lives should be, and how they should act so that it reflects well on us – and then we get upset when they don’t meet our expectations.  Let go of the expectation – it’s not serving you well and you’re causing yourself to suffer.

Finally, accept that maybe your son isn’t a person who will flourish in the arena of academic study, regardless of how loving and accepting you are.  Every person has unique strengths, interests, and abilities – in the Orthodox community there’s a Lake Wobegone attitude that all boys can be great learners and spend their teen years and up in intensive daily study for hours at a time learning in an intellectual and abstract way.  May I introduce the possibility of realism to this scenario? 😆

Don’t worry about what will happen in a few years, or assume that if your son doesn’t have interest in gemara now that he’s doomed.  Nonsense.  If later on he feels it’s important to him, he’ll exert himself to make up lost ground.  But not every young man will feel gemara is primary to him, and not every young man should be directed to full time yeshiva studies post high school – and that’s okay!  I know it’s almost sacrilegious to suggest that, but there are many ways to know G-d and live a meaningful religious life.  And there are many other parts of Torah except the Talmud:  Chumash (Bible), Navi (Prophets), halacha (Jewish law), mussar (study of character development) – there is so much a person can learn.

You didn’t ask about suggestions for your marriage, but everything I’ve said about accepting and encouraging your son could be applied to your husband, too.

I realize that all of this requires a change in mindset, and changing mindsets and the habits that go along with them is challenging.  It will take time, and it will take conscious effort.  But I guarantee that you, your husband, and your son will all be significantly happier if you do!

Avivah

Lots of learning going on!

homeschooling

It’s funny how things sometimes seem to come in spurts!

Yesterday ds17 celebrated the completion of a section of gemara (Talmud) that he’s been learning for two years.  We had a small family celebration after our Shabbos meal.  Then his married learning partner this morning made another celebration for him, which was very nice of him.

Ds11 and ds17 recently completed a tractate of mishna together – they’ve been learning most weekday mornings this past year.  We wanted to make an official note of their accomplishment but were a little stymied by the timing.  We had a synagogue picnic in the late afternoon today that we didn’t learn about until a few days ago.  We realized that a number of his friends would have a scheduling conflict, but to do it afterward seems like too much to pack into one day, since the picnic ended at 7 pm.

However, Monday night dh wouldn’t be there, and Tuesday night ds17 and I wouldn’t be there.  We felt it was important that ds17 be there since he was the one who learned with ds11, and dh very much wanted to be there because this is something he values very much.  So rather than have it at a time when either of them would miss it, we decided to do the celebration at 7:15 pm.

Ds11 asked if he could invite a bunch of friends, which was fine. Then he asked if I would buy a lot of ‘junk’ (processed snack foods), which I also agreed to (you would be shocked how much food coloring and sugar was served in my house today!).  And finally, he asked if he could have a swim party afterward with his friends.  And I agreed to that, too!

Since we adjusted the time late last night, ds11 didn’t have much time to notify all the friends he wanted to invite.  After returning home from synagogue in the morning, he had a very short time at home before he went to help run a carnival with a few friends.  (This is their third year doing it and they donate 50% of the profits to charity.)  Then when he came home from that, he had hardly any time before he had to leave for baseball tryouts, and met us directly at the picnic later on.  So really  not much time for making all the calls he would have liked.

In spite of that, it worked out beautifully and a good number of his friends were able to make it.  The purpose of making a mini party is to validate the effort and time he’s put into this learning, and ds11 was very happy about having a bunch of friends be there for this and it turning into a bigger social event.  Also, when we scheduled this I thought ds17 was leaving on Tuesday to go to yeshiva in NY,  but he decided to leave tomorrow morning to have a little more time to get set up there before the term begins.  So tonight really was the last chance we had to have it with ds17 present, so I’m especially glad the timing worked out.

I’m so happy and grateful that both boys have made their Torah learning primary, and that we had good reason to celebrate so much with them both in the last couple of days!

Avivah

Of Daffodils and Diesels

homeschooling

I’ve seen this anonymously written article in a couple of places, and think it nicely shows the difference between schooling and education, as well as the importance and relevance of intrinsic motivation.

Of Daffodils and Diesels

Author Unknown

I’m not very good in school. This is my second year in the seventh grade, and I’m bigger than most of the other kids. The kids like me all right, even though I don’t say much in class, and that sort of makes up for what goes on in school. I don’t know why the teachers don’t like me. They never have. It seems like they don’t think you know anything unless you can name the book it comes out of.

I read a lot at home—things like Popular Mechanics and Sports Illustrated and the Sears catalog—but I don’t just sit down and read them through like they make us do in school. I use them when I want to find something out, like a batting average or when Mom buys something secondhand and wants to know if she’s getting a good price.

In school, though, we’ve got to learn whatever is in the book and I just can’t memorize the stuff. Last year I stayed after school every night for two weeks trying to learn the names of the presidents. Some of them were easy, like Washington and Jefferson and Lincoln, but there must have been 30 altogether and I never did get them straight. I’m not too sorry, though, because the kids who learned the presidents had to turn right around and learn all the vice presidents.

I am taking the seventh grade over, but our teacher this year isn’t interested in the names of the presidents. She has us trying to learn the names of all the great American inventors. I guess I just can’t remember the names in history. Anyway, I’ve been trying to learn about trucks because my uncle owns three and he says I can drive one when I’m 16. I know the horsepower and gear ratios of 26 American trucks and want to operate a diesel. Those diesels are really something. I started to tell my teacher about them in science class last week when the pump we were using to make a vacuum in a bell jar got hot, but she said she didn’t see what a diesel engine has to do with our experiment on air pressure, so I just shut up. The kids seemed interested, though. I took four of them around to my uncle’s garage after school and we watched his mechanic tear down a big diesel engine. He really knew his stuff.

I’m not very good in geography, either. They call it economic geography this year. We’ve been studying the imports and exports of Turkey all week, but I couldn’t tell you what they are. Maybe the reason is that I missed school for a couple of days when my uncle took me downstate to pick up some livestock. He told me where we were headed and I had to figure out the best way to get there and back. He just drove and turned where I told him. It was over 500 miles round trip and I’m figuring now what his oil cost and the wear and tear on the truck—he calls it depreciation—so we’ll know how much we made. When we got back I wrote up all the bills and sent letters to the farmers about what their pigs and cattle brought at the stockyard. My aunt said I only made 3 mistakes in 17 letters, all commas. I wish I could write school themes that way. The last one I had to write was on “What a daffodil thinks of Spring,” and I just couldn’t get going.

I don’t do very well in arithmetic, either. Seems I just can’t keep my mind on the problems. We had one the other day like this: If a 57 foot telephone pole falls across a highway so that 17 and 3/4 feet extend from one side and 14 and 16/17 feet extend from the other, how wide is the highway? That seemed to me like an awfully silly way to get the size of a highway. I didn’t even try to answer it because it didn’t say whether the pole had fallen straight across or not.

Even in shop class I don’t get very good grades. All of us kids made a broom holder and a bookend this semester and mine were sloppy. I just couldn’t get interested. Mom doesn’t use a broom anymore with her new vacuum cleaner, and all of our books are in a bookcase with glass doors in the family room. Anyway, I wanted to make a tailgate for my uncle’s trailer, but the shop teacher said that meant using metal and wood both, and I’d have to learn how to work with wood first. I didn’t see why, but I kept quiet and made a tie tack even though my dad doesn’t wear ties. I made the tailgate after school in my uncle’s garage, and he said I saved him $20. Government class is hard for me, too.

I’ve been staying after school trying to learn the Articles of Confederation for almost a week, because the teacher said we couldn’t be a good citizen unless we did. I really tried because I want to be a good citizen. I did hate to stay after school, though, because a bunch of us guys from Southend have been cleaning up the old lot across from Taylor’s Machine Shop to make a playground out of it for the little kids from the Methodist home. I made the jungle gym out of the old pipe, and the guys put me in charge of things. We raised enough money collecting scrap this month to build a wire fence clear around the lot.

Dad says I can quit school when I’m 16. I’m sort of anxious to because there are a lot of things I want to learn.

*****************

Interesting read, isn’t it?

Avivah

Times of transition

homeschooling, parenting

I was about to begin writing this post when I realized that this is my 900th post!  It’s amazing how things add up with time – those of you who have been reading all along probably know me better than I know myself by now. 🙂

I didn’t plan to write anything spectacular in honor of this, but it’s probably appropriate that I share my thoughts on this transitional time in our lives, since these transitions are quite significant for our family.

Late last night (Tues) dh and ds17 returned from the trip to NY for ds’s yeshiva interview.  They both had a very positive impression about the yeshiva, and because of a comment that one interviewer made to ds (“When you come to me for Shabbos, I have lots to ask you about homeschooling!”), we knew he was accepted even though they don’t notify you on the spot.   Dh received the official call today.  He’ll be going to Shor Yoshuv in NY, a yeshiva I feel is a fantastic choice on a number of levels – it met all of our technical criteria, and has a warm and supportive atmosphere where the focus is on the individual.

The term begins on Aug. 25, which means ds will be leaving to NY on Tues. Aug. 24.  When I realized it meant we have less than two weeks with him, and less than three weeks with ds15 before she leaves to Israel for ten months (she’s leaving Tues. Aug. 31), the realization struck me very hard that time is flying by and this short time will be gone before I blink!  I’ve intellectually been aware of this – particularly when this past Shabbos, I realized that we have only one more Shabbos with all of the kids home (for at least another ten months).   I had to consciously create the space for even that last Shabbos together, since ds11 and dd14 were away last week, dd14 will be at camp this coming weekend, and the following week dd15 had planned to travel to NY for the weekend.  I asked her to cancel her plans even though it might mean she won’t be able to see a very close friend before she leaves to Israel.  Family takes priority.

I’ve been so busy with the technicalities of all that needs to be taken care of – obviously there are a number of things the oldest two kids who are going away need (which has been significant in terms of time, energy, and money! – and tonight the oldest two converged on me, each with lists of more things they need to take care of), as well as the day to day summer activities, and planning the coming school year (which is taking more thought than usual since I’ve been considering if dd14 should graduate at 16, which influences the choices I make now).  And all of this busyness means that I haven’t had time to feel anything about them going – until last night.

As parents, we want to give our kids the ability to be independent and follow what is important to them, to grow into mature and emotionally healthy adults.  I’ve been looking back on our home education journey and thinking about what has been successful as well as where I’d like to adapt for the future, but overall my feeling is immense and intense gratitude that they’ve grown up so beautifully.  I’m so happy for both of them and grateful that they have found opportunities to grow and experience things that are important to them.  And as each older sibling moves out, I think it’s wonderful how the next child in the family has his/her chance to have the spotlight; I’m looking forward to focusing more on the younger kids in the coming year, with a particular focus on dd14 and ds11.

But having said all of that, last night when ds asked me what the starting date for the yeshiva was and I answered him, I was suddenly hit with a strong wave of  already missing them even though they’re still here.  Just having dd14 out of the house for two weeks at camp has been an adjustment for everyone (even though she comes home every night around 10:30 pm) – so I expect the oldest two leaving for a long time will be quite significant for us all.  Fortunately, ds will probably come home every six weeks or so for Shabbos – that definitely makes it much easier!

Life is full of so many good things, but that doesn’t always mean it’s easy!

Avivah

Homeschoolers tied to computers?

homeschooling

Yesterday I saw an article in this online newsletter, entitled The Best Form of Birth Control regarding the tuition crisis in the Orthodox community.  Below was the response I sent to the author in response to this statement:  “Home schoolers abound, but the kids spend their learning hours in front of a computer, without healthy peer-to-peer interactions.”

>>I read your recent online newsletter, forwarded to me by a friend.  As a long term home educating parent of nine children, she felt I would find your discussion about the challenges day school parents are facing today, as well as your token comment regarding homeschooling, of interest.

I share your belief that the best birth control the Jewish community has is tuition.  We have an unsustainable system that is causing tremendous financial pressure on parents throughout the country.  It is painful for me to read articles like yours, as well as to hear a similar message in personal discussions on a regular basis because I recognize how much anguish is represented.

Despite my belief that the current educational system is in serious trouble, I have faith in the ability of individuals to look for solutions.  Will we have to adapt, and to think differently about education?  Absolutely. There are options that parents are either not willing to consider, or are, like yourself, hardly considering before discarding them without thought.

I’m referring to your almost flippant dismissal of homeschooling as an alternative that could bring significant financial relief to parents, without religious or academic compromise.  Not only without compromise, but with benefits of individualized learning, increased social and extracurricular opportunities, along with the enhanced self-image and self-esteem that accompanies those who develop without constant comparison to peers on a daily basis for years.  A not insignificant benefit is the enhanced family bonding that takes place when siblings and parents spend significant amounts of time together in a healthy and supportive environment.

When I read your comment about homeschooling, I couldn’t help but wonder how you’ve drawn the conclusion that homeschoolers are socially deprived and glued to the computer for hours a day.  How many homeschooling families do you know personally who match this description?  Many parents share my feelings that computers are a tool that need to be used with caution, lest the time be spent displacing activities of much more value and importance; we limit our high school age children to an hour a day, and our younger children hardly use the computer at all.  After homeschooling over a decade, I’ve met numerous families (in person and online) who homeschool, but hardly know any who match your description.

I’m on the other side of the country, but if you were closer, I’d without hesitation invite you to come to our monthly homeschool gatherings to see what homeschooled kids actually look like.  Many parents who are interested in homeschooling initially fear that by choosing to homeschooling, their children will be socially weird; it’s actually meeting homeschooled kids and seeing that overall they are more mature and confident than their schooled peers that is the encouragement parents need to begin homeschooling.

If you’re truly looking for an option that isn’t dependent on a wealthy individual to magnanimously throw a lifeline to the struggling schools in time for your family to benefit, I’d suggest you consider looking into homeschooling.  There are as many ways to homeschool as there are families, and every family has the ability to make the experience what they want it to be based on their vision.  Even for those who don’t make the decision to home educate, thinking outside the box may help you come up with some other viable options.

Best wishes to you and your family in finding a solution that helps you meet your goals and brings you serenity and joy.<<

The article that I linked and responded to brought up the challenges to families of high tuition costs, something I’ve repeatedly seen clearly identified as communally a problematic expectation in forum after forum.  Despite being confronted with this reality, one common response seems to be to talk about pulling in more funds from somewhere without making any other substantial changes.   I believe that charity dollars are limited but in any case, if a system is fundamentally broken, then bringing in more money to keep it afloat a little longer isn’t tenable long term.

From my vantage point, it seems that homeschooling is slowly becoming more accepted in the Jewish world, and it is one option that can offer tremendous hope to families and communities, if people are willing to look at it with an open mind and find out what it really is – and isn’t – about.

Avivah

Expressive arts camp for girls

homeschooling

We had a super early morning today!  Last night dh and I talked about wanting to take the family to Gettysburg today, then at ds8’s violin recital we found out about the possible camp option for dd that began just yesterday, and then we got home at 10 pm to start putting our plans in place for this morning. Whew!

I originally thought I’d take dd14 early in the morning to sign her up for camp, then head back home to pick up everyone else, and then we’d all head to Gettysburg.  But then I realized that her camp in a half hour away, on the way to Gettysburg – so it didn’t make sense to spend an extra 1.5 hours driving if we could avoid that by all being ready early enough to take dd and go directly to Gettysburg from there.  So that’s what we did.

We packed milk and instant oatmeal for the kids to have for breakfast once we got to the camp – there was boiling water available and they ate while I made arrangements with the camp director.  We talked about different options to finance camp, and though they offered to let me pay half the fee for the overnight option over time, I wasn’t comfortable going into debt for a luxury.  Instead, we decided to send dd for the day option, which cuts the cost by 50% and gives her almost every aspect of camp except for pillow fights after lights out, lol!  Dd has agreed to pay for part of the cost herself, something we’ve asked our oldest two children to do in the past – I think it shows a lot when something is important enough to a child that they’ll pay a significant amount of money towards it.  It also helps them appreciate the experience more.

There there are five other families who are doing the same thing so an evening carpool is already in place for a couple of evenings (some have a big enough vehicle to accommodate an additional person, some don’t).  The voice teacher has a large van and takes girls in with her in the morning (since she teaches first thing in the morning), so I only have to get dd to her house by 8:10 am.   So the driving is mostly taken care of – isn’t that incredible?!  The girls get there in time for breakfast and get picked up around 9:30 or 10 pm.  A very full day for her, and it will still allow us to see dd every evening and morning.

Dd came home really, really excited about the camp.  Her current experience is already different in every way from her past experience at a residential camp (the same one that dd15 loves, but they have very different feelings about it).   This program is called Tizmoret Shoshana, an expressive arts camp for Orthodox girls.  There are girls from different parts of the country who are attending, in addition to the large local contingent, but it’s not a large camp – under 40 girls total.

Dd likes drama and dance, both things that she doesn’t currently have much opportunity to develop (she can’t participate in school based activities since she’s not in school, and though there are homeschool activities that are available to the general community, they aren’t suitable for her for religious reasons), so this is a wonderful opportunity for her.  She’s chosen drama as her major, art for her minor, and there is daily dance for girls in all tracks.  I think she also said something about being in a choir. That’s in addition to a daily Torah lecture, outdoor activity, and evening speaker or activity.

Some of the things she likes about the camp, in addition to the wonderful activities: she really appreciates the flexible schedule that allows for personal freedom and decision making.  I give my kids a good amount of autonomy, and it was hard for dd in the past to be told she couldn’t do anything or go anywhere within the camp grounds without express permission (eg to visit her older sister at a bunk five minutes away during free time), or to be highly controlled by others (eg being directed during clean up time to clean up the mess of the other girls after she tidied her own things in just a few minutes – she quickly learned that responsibility was punished and laziness rewarded).  She’s highly organized and responsible, and appreciates being treated like a person capable of good decisions, and therefore dislikes micromanagement.  There isn’t an insistence on girls participating in activities regardless of interest (something that is typical of most camps – dd hated being told she had to play a certain sport when she didn’t enjoy it and would rather sit and watch), which she very much appreciated – even though she wanted to participate in all the activities!  I think this kind of atmosphere is particularly well suited to home educated children, who are used to managing their own time appropriately.  Dd commented that the girls all seem very happy to be there and highly motivated so they get a lot done.

She said the girls were very friendly, the counselors were warm, the activities were fun, and the food was great! (The camp is hosted at a retreat center, and the food is hotel quality – I was almost drooling when I saw what they had for breakfast! Not your typical camp fare at all!)

Though it’s not related to camp, I’ll share a fun side note about our day after we dropped dd at camp.  While we were at the visitor center at Gettysburg (we were there for several hours), we saw two other Orthodox families there.  And we suprisingly enough knew both of them!  One hosted us for Friday night dinner in Israel the night before my oldest was born – so it’s been 17 years since I saw them (actually, she was visiting a friend who had a baby at the same hospital/time I had my third, so I saw her for five minutes 14 years ago).  They now live in GA and were traveling through the area – they were only at the visitor center for a very short while and if we hadn’t ‘happened’ to walk in right after one another we would have missed each other completely.  (Seeing this family was a very strange experience for me since I met them as a very young couple with two young daughters; I still mentally have that picture of them.  But now the child who was then four is a mother herself and this couple have become grandparents – kind of unsettling to have people age a generation in time within a couple of minutes of meeting them again.)

The second family looked familiar but I couldn’t place them at first – turns out we met them a couple of months ago at the day long screening in NYC for the Elite Academy program!  They live in NY but were in the area because they brought one of their daughters this morning to this same camp that we are sending dd14 to – it’s amazing what a small world it is!

Discovering this camp at just the right time for dd  is to me is one more reminder that I don’t have to rely on myself to know everything and be everything for my children. There is Someone else looking after them and making sure they get what they need, sometimes in spite of their parents! (I had heard of this camp but because of the expense, never even considered considering it. :))   It’s a wonderful, warm, and supportive environment for girls who have a talent they want to develop in the expressive arts;  I’m so delighted and grateful to have discovered it at just the right time for dd!

Avivah

Violin recital for ds

homeschooling

Tonight my ds8 had his first recital, playing the violin!  Five of our children take music lessons, but ds8 is the only one to play violin.  (All the others play piano.)  It’s nice for him as the youngest of the first six to have something that he’s good at that no one else knows how to do.  That’s not an easy thing to do in a family with five older siblings who are so competent, and I’m delighted he’s had this opportunity.

It was really a lovely evening.  The recital was for all of the students of this teacher, and there were a number of different levels represented. They mixed up the levels, so that there would be someone more advanced followed by someone who was a total beginner, which I thought was really nice.  It made it more interesting to listen to, and everyone was appreciated for whatever level they were on.

Ds played together with two classmates four renditions of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  Each rendition was using a different rhythm, and the three of them did beautifully.  They all stayed together throughout each of the four pieces and did a really great job.

The recital took place in the evening at a retreat center about thirty minutes away, since the teacher is also teaching at an arts camp for girls that began just today at that same location.  It was a beautiful location, and seeing the camp that just began today which was located there gave dh the idea that it would be good for dd14.  (Did I mention she just had a birthday?  Well, she did. 🙂  And spontaneous me decided to speak to the director about the possibility of her joining the camp – gulp – first thing in the morning.

Though the director agreed it was a possibility, the price is way over our heads, so I didn’t leave on a definite note with her – just said dh and I have to talk about it together.  And at the point that I was having the conversation with the director at 9 pm, dd had no idea that dh and I were thinking about anything, and even dh didn’t know I was having the conversation.  He mentioned that he thought she’d like it, I had to go to the restroom before leaving, and between getting back to where everyone else was, I had this conversation with the director. 🙂  It was all very spontaneous.  So we all needed to talk and think about it.

When we got back home at 10 pm, I called to discuss pricing and make a concrete reservation for dd to attend.  But I couldn’t get the director on the phone.  So because I think this could be a wonderful opportunity for dd14, and because the director already said technically she was fine with accepting someone a day after the program began, here’s my plan.  I’m going to take dd there at 8 am – with her packed suitcase in tow (she and dd15 stayed up late to get her ready), and talk to the director again.  There are two options; one is residential, and one is the day option.  The day option is half the price of the residential option, and the girls are there from 8 am – 10 pm – so they don’t miss any activities, just sleeping there.  I’d have to drop her off and pick her up every day, which would be two hours of driving for me daily (unless I found other parents to carpool with).  Dd would strongly prefer to stay overnight, and I understand why – it’s a different kind of experience.  But I don’t know if that will be financially feasible.  If it works out, then I’ll leave her there with her suitcase.  If not, I’ll take her suitcase back home with me and come back for her at night.  Either way she’ll be there in time to eat breakfast with everyone!

Sometimes I wonder how a person like me who likes to have things organized in advance ends up with big projects like this that end up needing to be done at the last minute!  Tonight I was pondering if I’m really the organized person I think I am or not, and realized that it’s not an issue of organization as much as a willingness to be spontaneous.   As someone who likes to have things worked out ahead of time, my natural mode of doing things isn’t to wait until the last minute and then be harried, but sometimes opportunities come up when it’s not convenient for you, and you have to push to be able to access those opportunities.  I don’t know if most parents would be willing to deal with having an hour or two to get their child ready for two weeks of camp or not, but because I think it would be very special for dd, it’s worth it to make the effort and overcome my natural preference for how things are done.

To sum up, it was a lovely recital, and it opened the door to a possible interesting opportunity for dd. I’ll let you know tomorrow what ends up happening!

Avivah

Post high school yeshiva applications

homeschooling

I’ve been meaning to update here with what’s going on with ds17, but I’ve been waiting for something definite to share, which hasn’t happened.

Here’s the story:  ds thought he was going to a yeshiva in CT, and was already telling people that’s where he was going.  When he went there at the end of May (or was it the beginning of June?), he didn’t find it the environment he was looking for, and I was extremely disturbed at the lack of organization shown by the administration, which was literally incomprehensible to me.  I’ve debated whether to describe what happened during his trip or not, but I’ve decided to leave it at that.  I spoke to key people there afterward to let them know they lost a great young man as a result of their disinterested approach to his visit.  I had one particularly long and interesting in which I was told “wake up and smell the coffee”, that my son is unusual because he’s so sheltered and I’m not going to find a place that meets my criteria.  (My unrealistic criteria: a place where most of the young men attending are serious about Torah learning, not into shtick, and a supportive and warm environment where each person is treated as an individual.  Also wanted a place that was accredited and could grant college credits.)  They were very nice but it wasn’t what we were looking for.

Then I decided to forget about warm and supportive, and just go for a strong learning environment.  Off we went to Ner Israel in Baltimore (I mentioned that we had sent in the application).  Everyone who knows ds and the institution had absolutely no doubt he’d be accepted.  It took three weeks to get an answer, and I was finally told “We have an arrangement with our high school that we do not accept students who have not had the equivalent of 12 years of a normal limudei kodesh background, under normal circumstances.”  The suggestion was made that “After completing the equivalent of the 12th grade limudei kodesh in a yeshiva high school, could he be considered for admission to the beis medrash for the following year.”

This response didn’t bring a smile to my face (actually, it raised my hackles).  I responded that ds had a normal Judaic background, under the tutelage of his father rather than school administrators.  I mentioned that after ten years in kollel (full time Torah study for married men) at well-known and respected institutions that included the Mir and Lakewood, dh was certainly capable of overseeing this and I found it incomprehensible that my son had the same status as someone who was coming from public school might.  Since I was told in that same email that exceptions are only made for students who are head and shoulders above their same age peers (why would he want to attend this  institution if he were way above their level?), or those who returned to Judaism at a later age.   I asked if they’d be willing to considered him a year from now when he is officially the same age as most other high school graduates (18) if he doesn’t attend high school for an additional year, and inquired how many years it would take before my son would have the same enrollment status as those older returnees.  No answer.

Well.  It may be a fine institution but they’ve made it crystal clear that dealing with each person as an individual isn’t their strength.  I think of it like this, and ds feels the same way:  We weren’t told ‘no’.  We were told, ‘There’s something much better coming soon.’  I’m so glad to have been clearly shown why this wasn’t the right place for ds.  There is an option we’re looking into now, and assuming the application process goes smoothly, he’ll travel to NY for his interview on Aug. 10.  (These travel costs and application fees have been putting a serious dent in our budget!)  Ds has a very good feeling about this yeshiva, and for a number of reasons, so do I.  I’ll let you know what happens on that front once we have some closure!

Avivah

Packing for backpacking trip

frugal strategies, homeschooling

Packing for a backpacking trip doesn’t sound too complicated – after all, you can only pack what you a) have room for in your pack and b) have willingness to carry for hours at a time.  That eliminates quite a bit of stuff!

But it takes more thought to take less than to take more!  And if you don’t want to spend a lot of money to get ready, then it takes even more time and advance preparation!  Ds11 and ds17 will be going on a three day backpacking trip to the Appalachian Trail in VA, and though I confirmed we were interested over a month ago, I really didn’t plan as much in advance for this trip as I might have if I hadn’t been so busy with other things, but the total expenses were still quite reasonable.

The man leading the trip is providing tents, sleeping bags, and bringing a camping stove, and I’m grateful that we didn’t have to buy any of those things.  The biggest purchase we were responsible for was the external frame backpack.  Even if you buy these used, they aren’t too cheap, but G-d once again provided us with amazing bargains on the backpacks.  I got ds17’s pack for $15 from someone on CL, which was the cheapest price I had seen.  It wasn’t a name brand pack but it’s decent quality and ds likes the way it looks and feels a lot.

Then I found someone selling two packs for $5 each – and unbelievable as that price was for any pack, it was even more remarkable that they were the Kelty brand, which are a top brand.  (Yesterday they did a dry run and the leader was exclaiming, “How did you manage to get a Kelty for $5?! He couldn’t believe it.)   These two packs were from teens who attended a backpacking camp for several weeks in the summer, but have since gone to college so their mother was cleaning out things they no longer need.  I traveled an hour to get them; I really only needed one more pack at that price, but at that price I felt it was crazy not to get another one.  There’s a good likelihood that with our size family, one day we’ll be happy to have all three.  So I spent $20 on three backpacks, which is cheaper than even one used backpack is usually  listed for (the least expensive I saw other than mine was one for $25, most were closer to $50).

I didn’t shop for hiking boots in advance – I was kind of figuring they’d wear sneakers and manage, so I didn’t put any time or effort into looking for good buys on these.  I did end up deciding to get them something more specific to their hiking needs, though I probably could found something less expensive with more advance notice. But probably not significantly less, since what we found was great footwear at a price I was quite happy to pay: Timberland hiking boots ($13) for ds11 and Nike sneakers with ankle support ($10) for ds17.  We didn’t get shoes for ds17 until this morning and it’s really amazing we could find such a great deal at the last minute.  Generally when you aren’t buying retail you can’t count on what you need being available right when you want it.  They both said the shoes are comfortable and hopefully they will continue to feel comfortable after hiking in them for hours.

The remaining expenses were for miscellaneous items: headlamps ($5 each), moleskin ($4 package), bug spray ($4 – not my typical kind of purchase), and a mess kit ($7).

There are a lot of things we could have bought that were on the list, but I told the boys to make do as much as possible by using what they already had.   That meant they didn’t go out and buy daypacks but used backpacks they already had.  I didn’t buy them hydration bladders; instead they are taking water bottles with them.  They are packing their usual cotton socks, even though wool is recommended – at over $8 a pair for use in the summer, I just couldn’t see it as worthwhile.

The main area my lack of advance planning showed up was the increased costs in food.  Some things I had on hand at the discounted prices I usually buy at, but at least half of the food was bought either today or last night at regular (ie non sale) prices.  Fortunately, my regular food budget had room to absorb it, and though it was bought for their trip, I don’t count it as a backpacking expense.  And it was a nice chance to make my boys feel splurged upon (when I bought them two boxes of granola bars at those outrageous prices, ds11 realized I was doing it because him having nice food was my priority, not shaving every possible penny down).  Here’s what they are taking, which is really pretty simple:

  • breakfast: oatmeal, grits, hot cocoa
  • lunch – eaten while hiking, no stopping – homemade trail mix (sliced almonds, raisins), fruit leathers, granola bars
  • dinner – the first night they’ll have food they bring in with a cooler – hot dogs, hamburgers, smores (graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate); night #2 – ds11 made tuna casserole and dehydrated it (tuna, noodles, vegetables, sauce); night #3 – we didn’t think there would be a third night and didn’t plan for it; fortunately I bought a vacuum packed package of hard salami that they can use that night.  The boys think they have plenty of the food packed (eg 8 packages of instant oatmeal or grits per breakfast; 3.5 c. trail mix for each lunch) and that they’ll have enough leftover to use for the last night.  I think I have a package or two of foil packed salmon that I’ll encourage them to take along to supplement.

I’m not delighted at the lack of vegetables but otherwise I think it’s pretty much okay.  I think I’ll send them with a few pieces of fresh fruit (went peach picking today so we have lots of those) for the 3 hour drive there. That was they’ll have some roughage in their systems to help keep everything working well.  🙂

Not including the food, it was about $70 for both of them to go backpacking for three days, and all of the items they bought can be used for future trips.  The generosity of the leader in taking them without a charge and supplying some items free of charge definitely simplified our shopping and kept costs in check!  I don’t think I would have spent significantly more, however; I would have borrowed the sleeping bags and tents, or used the camping pads and sleeping bags that we have (which aren’t as super compact but was fine for dd15 when she went backpacking for three days last year).

Getting ready for this trip could have been a big deal, but ds11 really got everything organized and taken care of.  I took him where he wanted to go and pretty much gave him free range of the pantry to take whatever food he wanted, and he was the one who got things done. That’s not to say ds17 didn’t do stuff because of course he did, but ds11 was really on top of everything that was needed and got it together in a timely way.  I was remembering just today that dd15 was also this age when she went on a week long dog sledding trip in Maine.  Hard to believe so much time has gone by….. Looking back, I’m so glad I encouraged her to take the opportunity when it came up – special experiences are memories that stay with your child forever.

I hope this will be a wonderful experience for the boys, and having them take so much responsibility for the preparations has certainly made it more wonderful for me!  🙂  They’ll be off early in the morning, and I look forward to having them back in a few days.

Avivah