>>I’m curious why the graduation ceremony is such a big deal in your family? I was homeschooled one year and because of that, got my diploma through North Atlantic Regional Schools, which gave me credit for my homeschooled years plus my schooled years. There was a graduation, but I never bothered to go, and don’t feel I missed out in the slightest. School graduations I sort of get the point of, because you’re saying goodbye to classmates and friends who you learned with for 4 years or longer and going your separate ways, but for a homeschooled kid?  This isn’t meant as a criticism in any way, I just am not able to wrap my head around the whole idea of a graduation being a big deal.<<

Well, we’re not participating in the graduation as a cost-cutting measure, that’s for sure! 😆

My view of graduations is that they are to mark the academic accomplishment of reaching a particular goal (eg, 8th grade, high school, Bachelors, Masters, etc), not to say goodbye to friends.  That’s what graduation parties are for!  None of us (me or my friends way back in high school) ever thought of the official graduation ceremony as anything social.

So I see several reasons to participate in this particular graduation ceremony for my oldest two children.  One is that my kids have accomplished what every other graduating senior has and they deserve to be acknowledged for that.  Their education isn’t less valuable or noteworthy because it took place at home, and though they won’t value what they’ve done more or less because of the official ceremony, others will.  Actually, maybe seeing the values others place on it will positively affect their view of themselves; I don’t know.

Children don’t complete their education in a void.  My inlaws are wonderful people but have not been encouraging or supportive of home education, and because my fil was a teacher, it’s been particularly challenging for him to understand my more relaxed and integrated approach.  They’ve been concerned our children wouldn’t get a good education or be prepared for life, because homeschooling was so foreign a concept to them.  When we told them about the graduation, they were thrilled – there was finally something they recognized and valued.  It’s the first educational thing we’ve shared with them in all these years that they feel good about.

I could talk until I’m blue in the face about all the kids have done and accomplished over the years and it would be meaningless to them – I just wouldn’t be speaking their language.  The quality of my children’s education hasn’t been changed by having an official graduation ceremony, but it’s being marked in a way that my inlaws understand.  So in large part we’re doing this because it’s important to the grandparents, and by extension, positively affects their perception of their grandchildren and their abilities.  And even for parents who are strongly supportive (like my mother), it gives them a chance to have additional joy and pride in their grandchild/ren.

But I’m not doing it just to make grandparents happy – while it’s a factor, it’s not the only factor.  The ceremony will be in historic Gettysburg and it will be a bit different than the typical graduation.  I think it will be enjoyable and a nice memory to look back on!

My dd13 has said she doesn’t think she wants a ceremony like this, and I told her that’s fine.  There are many ways to commemorate a special event, and when we get to that stage, we’ll discuss with her what she would like.

Avivah

Months ago I received an email from my umbrella group notifying me that there was a 10% group discount available for purchases made before a certain date through a graduation supply company that they made arrangements with.  I right away sat down to prepare my order, but decided to order everything at once (including having the diploma professionally printed, which I thought I needed the completed transcripts for) rather than make two separate orders.  After getting the transcripts finished just a few weeks ago, I learned that I could have placed the entire order months ago without the transcript.  So I missed that chance for saving.

No problem, so I’ll pay a little more, I figured – the main thing is to have what you need when you need it. Several weeks ago I placed my order at full price and ensured that the gowns/caps/diplomas would all arrive at least two weeks before the official graduation date.  But time was passing and it didn’t come.  I had wanted to make a change to my order but figured it was too late (I was sure it had been shipped already), and finally called to find out what was happening. And it’s a good thing I did.

I was informed that my order hadn’t been shipped and wouldn’t be shipped because my credit card didn’t go through, and they left a message for me three weeks earlier and were waiting for me to get back to them.  Oh, dear. Picking up my phone messages is seriously a weak point of mine.  If I do it once a week it’s a lot.  Anyway, I checked the messages and a family member apparently had listened to it, but not told me about it.  🙄

By the way, I asked dh (who took over dealing with the finances several months ago) what was going on with the credit care because this was the second time this happened in three weeks, and it’s never in all these years happened before.  He said he thinks the the security setting was changed.  This was kind of frustrating since there was an ample balance and once I placed the order, thought all of this was taken care of well in advance, but instead ended up seriously scrambling to get this all taken care of.  But since that’s what happened, it’s clearly what was meant to happen.

Back to the order.  Since someone had a graduation gown that I could borrow for dd, I cancelled her cap and gown, figuring I would save on that, then paid an extra fee to have rush service so it would get here in time.  (It’s supposed to arrive Thursday, which is cutting it way too close to comfort for me since the graduation is on Sunday.)

Then I went to pick up the gown that I was offered on loan, and learned that a master’s graduation gown has different sleeves than the regular gowns.  Dd15 wasn’t happy at all with it, even though I told her I could pin it and the difference wouldn’t be noticeable.  So today (3 days before the graduation), I went searching for a used graduation gown, since there’s no time to buy a new one and have it arrive on time.  The thrift store ironically had exactly the color and size she wanted (royal blue), but we don’t have a cap to match it and there’s no time to order it.  There was also a master’s black gown in her size (which we do have a cap to match), and I told her if I bought it, I’d be able to cut the sleeves and make them look just like the regular gowns, but she didn’t like the material.

Then I found someone on Craig’s List who was selling a black gown.  It was a size bigger than what we needed but at this point I couldn’t be choosy!  I spent an hour today driving to pick it up, and since I’m feeling tight for time, was quite relieved when dd said it didn’t need to be hemmed even though it’s a little long – she noticed on the website it said that if you prefer a longer gown, to just buy one size up, so she felt comfortable with the way it fitted her. I really didn’t want to have to deal with hemming it at this point!

So in the end, I’ve had some excitement with getting this gown, and despite that haven’t saved much even after canceling the original gown order.  Once I factor in the rush shipping fee, the money spent to buy it used, and the gas getting there and back, I pretty much come out even.  But the main thing is that I got a suitable gown for her – and I’m looking forward to having the rest of the order arrive tomorrow!

Avivah

I said that I’d share here with you the recent article I wrote for our local community publication, the Where What When, geared towards the Orthodox Jewish community, so here it is!

Moving Beyond Fear – An Accurate Look at Home Education

As a home educator for the last ten years, I’ve been approached a number of times by parents in the community with questions and concerns about home education.  Many thoughtful and deeply concerned parents have become increasingly concerned with how the needs of their child/ren are being met by the schools they attend and want to explore the possibility of educating their children at home.

In the secular world, the general perception of homeschoolers tends to be highly positive, with many expressing the belief that homeschoolers are interesting, well-educated, and well-rounded – more so than their schooled peers.  (Some homeschoolers have felt this perception to be a pressure to live up to, but be that as it may, the perception is there.)  Colleges have increasingly directed their recruitment efforts towards homeschoolers, recognizing the unique strengths that home educated students, who tend to be highly motivated and truly interested in learning, bring to the college atmosphere.  The high regard with which home educated students are viewed isn’t surprising, as homeschooling as a movement has been around in earnest for several decades and the success of home educated students in every venue (academic, career, interpersonal) is quite high.

What is surprising are the inaccurate and specious perceptions found in the Jewish community towards home education.   What makes this even more intriguing is that the Jewish people for generations have transmitted the Torah from parent to child – according to the directives of Chazal, a responsible parent must teach his child three things: Torah, a trade, and to swim.  You wouldn’t think there would be much to object to from a religious perspective.

Why all the negativity?

To understand the opposition to homeschooling in the Orthodox world, we need to look at several points.

The first is historic – the yeshivos have widely been credited with saving American Jewry (an evaluation I personally share).  Therefore, we have assimilated the idea that nowhere but in yeshiva can a child receive a solid Jewish education – even though the demographics of today are quite different from seventy years ago, when many parents were poorly educated Jewishly and disinterested in providing their children with a solid Jewish education.  (Interestingly, this is remarkably similar to the African American view of home education.  Blacks in this country worked hard politically to integrate the public school systems and continue to this day to insist on public schooling as an ideal, despite the statistical reality that African Americans as a group are one of the most poorly served by the public schools.)

Secondly, parents simply don’t know what is involved and the normal response to the unknown is fear.  That response is found equally in the non-Jewish and Jewish world and is easily countered with accurate information.  Attending a local support group meeting, speaking to experienced home educators, and attending the upcoming annual Torah Home Education Conference (June 13 at Park Heights JCC, Baltimore) will go far to assuage these concerns.

The largest part of the fear is social.  There is a growing insistence on conformity in our communities.  This is evident in every area of religious life, not just in schools, and while it would be nice to say that this movement towards conformity has been exclusively to the betterment of our communities, that would be inaccurate.

As a result, people are afraid to to make choices that outwardly look out of step with those around them.   Fear of recognizing and asserting one’s needs is an unhealthy place to be making critical decisions from, and is especially unfortunate when it’s carried over as a decision making strategy for our children.  It’s in large part the fear of ‘what will people say’ that results in a significant number of families in our community being unwilling to make a change in the educational framework their child is in, even when there are clear indications that the child is being poorly served and even at risk.

While a discussion of Jewish history and the role of R’ Yehoshua ben Gamla and the directive he instituted at a time when many children didn’t have parents to educate them and were falling by the wayside would be most interesting, it’s not within the scope of this article.  (Please note that I while I share the reasonable concerns regarding those in our community who remove their children from school and do not actively step forward to support their education, this is also not the purpose of this article.)

Fear is essentially at the root of concerns about home education – namely, fear of the unknown, fear of being different, and fear of not having the skills to succeed.  What I would like to address are some commonly expressed concerns and the underlying fears.

Some common fears

I didn’t grow up frum/I don’t know enough – Baruch H-shem (thank G-d), we aren’t limited by what we did or didn’t learn in high school!  There are wonderful resources to help a parent build his knowledge and skill in every area, both Judaically and secularly.  We live in a community rich in resources, there are plenty of resource people in the community you can turn to with questions, and even the internet is a wonderful source of shiurim and Torah learning.  Learning can and should continue your entire life – one delightful aspect of homeschooling is that you’re constantly learning new things, learning that in all likelihood you wouldn’t take the time to explore if you didn’t need to.

I’ve found it particularly interesting when teachers tell me this.  I respond, “But you’re teaching the children of this community – and you don’t have the confidence to teach your own child?”  While parents benefit from continually expanding their knowledge, you don’t always have to know something before your children do – you can learn alongside them.  And often your children will teach you about new things!

Years ago I asked Rebbetzin Tzipora Heller how she developed the strong textual skills that she is well-known for.  She replied that when her children were young, she would try to find time to read a sefer (book in original Hebrew of Torah ideas) when she had the chance.  But, I persisted, what about when you didn’t know the meaning of the word?  “I’d turn the page.”  The message I went away from that phone call with was not to be dogmatic about learning, but to keep learning, that consistency and regular application to the material over time will improve one’s skills remarkably.

It’s important to understand that while parents don’t have to know everything, they do have to do is be willing to expand their comfort zone and be willing to look for opportunities to support the child’s interests and needs.

My child won’t listen to me – I always say this isn’t a home education issue, this is a parenting issue!  One pleasant surprise that parents experience when they take their children out of school is that within a fairly short time, there is a noticeable improvement in their child’s behavior and attitude as your child sheds many of the pressures and tensions that were inherent in school life.  This makes parenting much easier!

What will he do all day? – As the lives of our children have become increasingly involved with school, there are fewer and fewer free hours left for them to explore their interests or to develop hobbies.  While in the past parents (and their children) would have had no concerns about how to use free time, too many parents today have lost touch with the need of a child to have unscheduled and unstructured free time.  Children can only learn to manage time themselves when given the opportunity – but the majority of children (and their parents) today are totally lost on a vacation day as to how to occupy themselves.  Perhaps we should be more concerned about how our children will learn to structure their time independently when adults tell them how to spend most of their waking hours?

But what do kids actually do if their academics and homework aren’t consuming most of their waking hours?  Read, relax, play, get together with friends, spend time with siblings, go on trips, listen to music, help around the house, start a home business, do projects and crafts, develop hobbies – the day gets filled fairly quickly.

Kids need the pressure of their peers to make the right religious choices -For those who truly believe that his child won’t want to be religious or live the lifestyle the parent is living without the pressure of his peers, then the real problem is you and how you present your lifestyle.  If your life is joyful and meaningful, and he sees he can experience the same thing by following that path, then he will.  If he doesn’t see that, then he’ll understandably choose something else.  When I hear things like this I have to wonder about the underlying message of ‘conformity above all’ that the child must be absorbing.

Children need to be in school to learn good social skills – In contrast to this often touted objection to homeschooling, many parents have personally experienced that most of what kids learn from their peers are the things we want to “unteach” them!  This is true from the very youngest age, beginning with children in play groups.  Children don’t learn healthy social skills from their peers; they learn coping mechanisms and how to conform to the current fashions/trend in behavior, speech, and dress.  Healthy social strategies are learned by watching and modeling mature healthy adults.  One reason television and the media are so harmful is that the adult actors and actresses  are modeling immoral, selfish, and immature behavior  Watching that day in and day out has an effect.  So does being in a classroom with same age peers.

Homeschoolers are weird and I want my kids to be socially normal – Comments like this are funny because they show that the questioner doesn’t know any/many homeschoolers!  This goes back to the need for conformity; there is an unspoken assumption that anyone in the Jewish community who makes a choice that differs from the mainstream must be strange.  While this is judgmental and narrow-minded – not to mention patently false – this is a commonly expressed fear.

Understandably, we want children who can appropriately interact with others of all ages.  To be honest, homeschoolers are somewhat different from their schooled peers.  They tend to model adult behaviors from a younger age, meaning that they are more mature, self-aware, and significantly less peer oriented.  That means they care more about what is right than what their peers will think.  They care more about listening to their own voice than following the crowd.  To assume that having a healthy sense of one’s self is a social liability is false – it is actually when you feel good about yourself and who you are that you have the most social strength.  Do you think that self-esteem is better supported by a loving home or in a large group of same aged children?

A mother watching a group of homeschooled children interact at a recent homeschool gathering commented that it was amazing to her to watch children play together for so long with no fighting, no name calling, no bullying – just enjoying each other.  This is common at homeschool events that are secular or non-Jewish as well as our local frum gatherings.  There’s clearly something about being removed from the daily ‘pecking order’ that benefits children socially.  I guess that does make homeschoolers ‘weird’.  Maybe it’s time for us to ask what ‘normal’ means and if we really want our kids to be normal!  This brings to mind a t-shirt I notice bearing the slogan of anti-debt finance advisor Dave Ramsey, that stated: “Debt is normal. Be weird.”

People will look down on me – Being a responsible parent means making decisions based on what is right for your child, not from your insecurity of social abandonment.  However, I’ve found that people are rarely negative when they learn that I’m home educating.  The majority of parents of several children who have passed first grade are well aware of the challenges and issues inherent in school.  They’ve already learned that not every child can do well in school, not every child fits the mold, and many are watching the spark go out of their child’s eyes.  Therefore, the response tends to be positive and sometimes even envious – “Good for you!”  “How did you have the strength to go against the crowd?”  “You’re so lucky!”  “I know my child would benefit from homeschooling and wish I could be confident enough to do that.”

I couldn’t stand to be around my child all day/I’d go crazy – I mentioned earlier that kids often become more enjoyable to be around when removed from the pressures of school.  Kids would probably report that their parents became more enjoyable, too!  However, if you truly don’t enjoy your child and dislike spending time with them, please don’t even consider home education.  I’ve been able to offer support and practical suggestions to parents in different situations that have helped smooth the path of home education for their families, but this is one worldview that is inherently in opposition to the goals and attitudes necessary for successful home education.  While parents may blithely toss this comment out without intending it to be a serious statement of values, perhaps it’s time we looked more closely at what we’re saying and the messages our children hear.

If you are a parent who knows in your heart that your child needs a more individualized approach to education, please don’t let false fears keep you from learning more about this option.  It may be viable for you, it may not.  Home education is not for everyone.  But neither are the schools.

Avivah Werner is the mother of nine children and has been home educating for the last decade; her oldest two children will be graduating – from homeschooling for high school – at the beginning of June.  She is the founder of the J-LIFT, the Baltimore area support group, founder of the Torah Home Education Conference, and has spent numerous hours answering questions about home education.

For those who are interested in exploring more about home education, the Second Annual Torah Home Education Conference will be held in Baltimore on June 13, from 9 am – 5 pm at the Center for Jewish Education, in the Park Heights JCC.   This is a national event featuring speakers including Rabbi Daniel and Mrs. Susan Lapin, Rabbi Yosef Bentzion Bamberger, and Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, in addition to a number of others.  More details about the conference are available at www.jewishhomeschooling.wordpress.com, or call Alisa at 410-963-2977.  Registration must be done in advance.

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My approach when discussing home education is to be proactive rather than defensive in how it is presented in the religious Jewish community.   The feedback I’ve gotten so far has BH been highly positive,  and it will be interesting to see what the responses in the ‘letters to the editor’ section are in the coming month.  If you’d like to express your thoughts on this article in that venue, you can do so at http://wherewhatwhen.com/advice.asp.  The more discussion there is of these ideas in a public forum like this, the better!

Avivah

I wrote the following as part of my recent post on homeschooling, then decided to take it out because it was going off track regarding my main point, which was just talking about how nice it was to speak to minded homeschooling parents, and to express my appreciative feeling that homeschoolers are incredibly nice people.  Instead I put it to the side as a material for a future post, but will share it now before responding to some questions on my last post because I think it’s relevant for readers to realize this was written as part of the original post and before any questions.  (It was an oversight on my part that I removed the following without significantly editing the only paragraph remaining, which would have made my intent more clear.)

(My statements) >>A homeschooling friend in a recent email said that we can’t make it harder for people to homeschool by talking about ideals, but I disagree.  Is there really a value in promoting home education without talking about the values behind the choice?  I guess some people would say that values don’t matter much, that the only difference is the location where the schooling takes place, but I really can’t get on board with that way of thinking.  My way and your way to home educate won’t – and shouldn’t – look alike.  I don’t think there’s one right way to do things, just the way that is right for your family.

But  I don’t believe that making things easy for people is necessarily being kind to them – parents today tend to be disempowered and fearful of their abilities to meet the needs of their child/ren.  That gives rise to the constant comparisons of their children to their schooled peers, focus on if the kids are ‘up to par, and their focus on curriculum as if it’s the curriculum that will give them guaranteed results.

Sure, it’s easy to provide curriculum and lists and classes for these homeschoolers – that’s what they’re asking for because that’s what they think they need, and they’ll be very grateful for it.  But isn’t it just as valuable – more valuable, actually – to take the time to help them think about what their educational philosophy is?  Or to help them develop it?  To talk about a deeper and more meaningful way to approach learning and living than recreating school in your dining room?<<

Okay, end of those thoughts, which I had planned to flesh out in more detail before sharing here as its own post.  Read the past post with these comments added in between the second and third paragraphs if you’re inclined to see how it was originally written.  Now on to some comments from the post.

(Binah said)>> I don’t know if I would call homeschooling a “parallel academic choice”, but I not sure I see much value in promoting homeschooling or a particular way of homeschooling dogmatically. Hate to be so relativistic, but I can only do what works for me, and others should do what works for them. If that involves sending their children to school, signing up for a cyber academy charter school, or using school-in-a-box type curriculum, I don’t see the need to bemoan that state of affairs.<<

Agreed.  I believe that home education is at the core about individualizing the process to meet your needs.  But I want to address what I think is a common response to those expressing their belief that there is a better or worse way to do something, the assumption that they’re judgmental (as seen in the choice of words ‘dogmatically’ and ‘bemoan).

I’ve often noticed that those who have standards that are different than the collective norm are accused of being judgmental, regardless of how cautiously and respectfully they express themselves.  To be accurate, only if the standards are perceived as being higher is it viewed as a problem, because we don’t refer to those who push their values on us who lower the standard as judgmental.  Somehow, that’s okay.

There are a number of precepts and principles that I believe to be worthy of emulation and try to integrate them into my life, as a spouse, parent, friend, and individual.  Even though I’m  frequently not successful in integrating them to the degree I would like, I still find inspiration in having ideals and something more to strive for. If those from whom I learned about these ideas hadn’t written or discussed them, I would unquestionably have set the bar in my life much lower and experienced significantly less happiness as a result.

To refrain from sharing one’s ideas and to remove ideals from discussion is to remove any striving, to prevent people from knowing about other options that they may want to explore.  So many parents begin homeschooling knowing very little about it, basically superimposing a school structure on their home lives.  Wouldn’t it be a kindness to share the exciting possibilities and options with them, to let them know that there might be other ways that would bring more joy and delight into their lives, rather than just smile and nod, and let them think that there’s nothing better out there than what they’re doing – because we don’t want to be seen as judgmental??

We easily forget that often people are making choices without knowing that there are options to what they’ve chosen.  This is true of homeschooling, and of many other areas as well.  An approach to marriage, work, parenting, money management – all of these are often determined by our past experience.  And when our experience is unhealthy or simply limited, we don’t grow beyond that without getting a glimpse that there’s something more, something that could make our life better.

(Binah said)>>Are you concerned with potential future affects on all homeschoolers’ freedoms as cyber schooling and other one-size-fits-all approaches become more popular? I think that is a very valid concern.<<

Yes, I am.  Attendees of some cyber schools don’t realize their programs aren’t homeschooling; they are registered as public school school students learning at home.  This is a legal definition, not my personal opinion.  (This isn’t true of all cyber schools, however.)  Those who are enrolled in cyber schools tend to be comfortable with the school system and its demands, and their values and goals often conflict with many homeschoolers.  (The reasons for that are material for a long discussion.)  Further complicating matters is that many of these cyberschoolers will refer to themselves as homeschoolers, which is inaccurate and misleading, and they don’t even realize that they’re misrepresenting themselves. Home educators have worked hard to establish the legal rights we now have, which could easily be jeopardized by cyberschoolers.  Much has been written about this concern in home education magazines (for those who are interested in learning more, the columns of Larry and Susan Kaseman in Home Education Magazine are worth reading – I believe you can find past columns online).

(Malkie said)>>As for this new trend of people taking the “homeschool” label when their kids just need a year off from school. Obviously I mind people using the term “homeschool” to mean “neglect” (or recently in the news here, abuse). But something else that really troubles me is that those kids then go back into the school world with the label “homeschooler” on them, and are NOTHING like homeschoolers. Half the time they haven’t even detoxed! Especially here in Israel, where there aren’t that many of us, and the first one you meet, or believe you meet, makes a lasting impression. They make things harder for those of us who do put in the effort for our kids, and I resent it.<<

This is unfortunately something I’m all too familiar with, and this was reflected in my comments in the last post.  People tend to think if you’re in an area with a number of other homeschoolers, that’s a clear advantage.  But there are disadvantages, too.  When homeschooling becomes more common, some people use this as an excuse for not educating their children.  In my community, the religious schools (which previously would have thought long and hard before telling a student to leave) now tell problem students and their parents to ‘homeschool’.   But many of these kids and parents have no inclination to homeschool, don’t want to homeschool, and have no plans to change the dynamic they’ve enacted until this point.  This leads to a problem of truancy.  And that leads to a problem that these kids, who call themselves ‘homeschoolers’ but are actually nothing of the sort, negatively impact the positive image that homeschoolers have worked hard to earn.

Fortunately one local program that previously catered to ‘homeschooled’ kids has now decided to officially call itself a school, a move I’m personally very happy with.  Now the kids who go there won’t be considered homeschoolers by the community, which the majority of them never were to start with (the parents and the kids would agree with that).

A person doesn’t become a homeschooler soley by being out of school for a year (this was in part what was referred by the comment in my last post that there are differences between those who are homeschooling and homeschoolers).  I don’t appreciate hearing people claim that homeschooling doesn’t work because they tried it for a short period and were miserable, particularly when it’s clear that important steps weren’t taken or there were outside contributing factors that badly influenced the experience which were independent of/not caused by homeschooling.

That’s not because I demand that everyone love homeschooling – I’ve said again and again that it’s not for everyone (though I do believe that when we individualize our approach for each child, then it can work for each child).  But when someone goes back into the system as if they’re a representative of homeschooling, but they aren’t, then again, homeschoolers as a group/homeschooling as a concept end up unfairly tarnished.

(Binah said)>>Anytime something becomes popularized and mainstream, the newer proponents of that thing, whether that thing is homeschooling or punk rock, may not share the same values and experiences as the older ones. I am not sure this is a process that can be avoided. Is there any value in getting concerned about this normal process? I don’t know. It reminds me a little of my angst as a teenager over some obscure band that became popular, leading me to claim that they had “sold out”.<<

That’s a good point.  But yes, I believe there’s a purpose to holding on to a clear view of what your principles are, regardless of what those around you do or don’t do.  And I think the dumbing down of our society both morally and intellectually has in part been aided by those who don’t want to judge and don’t want to set any standards because it will make people uncomfortable.

Avivah

A few nights ago I told you about the self-defense class for women that I attended with dd13 and dd15.  The martial arts studio that offered the class is owned by a homeschooling family who have been home educating for a long, long time – they decided to do it when their 22 year old son was an infant.  Afterward the three of us hung around and chatted with the husband and wife, and later were joined by their college age daughter and friend.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat troubled by the changes I see in the homeschooling world that is paralleled in the Jewish world.  Home education has gone from a choice made mostly by parents who have done a tremendous amount of thinking and considering, who are looking at the individual needs of their children with the focus on how to support individual strengths, who were willing to go against the current because of their strong belief in those principles – to growing numbers of those who look at it as a parallel academic choice, as just another way to do fulfill the scope and sequence.   (Edited to add: that’s to say that there’s been an increase in families who are viewing home education in the latter light; however, the majority are definitely still in the former category.) To me, that’s a real loss of potential joy in learning and in family life that has always been inherent in homeschooling.

So because this has been on my mind lately, it was especially enjoyable spending so much time speaking to long-term homeschoolers who know exactly what trends I’m referring to, and find it equally of concern.   So refreshing to speak to people who intuitively ‘get it’.  We all started off talking together, and then we started having more than one conversation so the girls spoke to the wife and later on her 18 year old daughter while I spoke to the father.  Finally after an hour we said goodbye – we could have kept talking lots longer.

When we got back in the car, the girls both strongly commented at how nice homeschoolers are.  They really enjoyed the conversation with the mother and the college daughter, and commented on how unusual it is for them to be treated with that kind of respect or enjoyment by people older than them, but how common it is with people who have been homeschooling a long time.   One went on to say, “There’s a difference between homeschoolers and people who homeschool.  When people are homeschooling for a short time, they tend to be more similar to people who send their kids to school.”  That was quite an interesting observation, and fairly accurate, too.  (Edited to add that I’ll clarify what was meant in a different post since after reading this I realized it could seem to be a criticism of those homeschooling a short amount of time.)

In our discussion of homeschoolers, we were noting some subtle qualities found in those who have been homeschooling a long time that are really nice to experience.   In general, homeschoolers tend to be accepting, interact with people of all ages comfortably, and are respectful of the differences. This is noticeable in social groupings with homeschoolers, where the differences in how the kids interact is so visibly different from the typical playground interactions that it’s quickly notable.

Something else that’s unique is how homeschooled kids enjoy one another regardless of age – I recently took four of my kids to a homeschoolers pick up sports session, where ds4 was able to play softball with ds7 and dd9 (they were on different teams, though).  It’s so nice to see how there were kids ages 4 – 10 on these teams all having fun together (we also see this at our local homeschool gatherings –  a mother new to homeschooling recently commented that she couldn’t believe that so many kids could be playing together without adult supervision, and no fighting, no yelling, no bullying!).

There are many positive qualities I’ve noticed in homeschoolers: their willingness to think about difficult issues and really act on their concerns rather than follow the crowd, the commitment to their childrens’ well-being, their intelligent and thoughtful approach to life in general.  But in short, they’re really nice people to spend time with, and it seems the longer they homeschool, the nicer they get!

Avivah

Tonight I took my dd13 and dd15 to a women’s self-defense class.  I had never attended anything like this but was recently talking to someone very active in planning/publicizing these kind of events who told me she’d give me a heads up when one for women only came up in the summer.

But before she did, I learned about the class I attended tonight.  It was $25 a person but the fee was waived for homeschoolers who learned about it on a particular list serve.  I found this class to be very valuable – personal safety is the kind of thing a parent needs to talk to their children about, particularly older daughters.  But it’s sometimes hard to strike the balance between providing helpful information and scaring them into believing that behind every car lurks someone waiting to attack.

The class was interesting and well-done.  I unfortunately got there late (took three different wrong turns) so I missed the first 20 minutes, but the first hour was talking about developing situational awareness and general strategies. Then we paired up (my girls were together) and practiced some simple but very effective moves to break away if grabbed, enabling one to escape. After practicing with partners, we had a chance to practice particular moves on ‘Bob’ the human dummy – hard slaps, elbow jabs – the kind of things you don’t want to do to your partner!  And there was a knee move practiced on a heavyweight punching bag.

I asked the girls afterwards how they liked it. They both thought it was interesting and useful; the only thing one dd found frightening was when a myth was debunked about people hiding in wait under cars in a parking garage (they don’t). That idea made her nervous.  Overall I felt the entire evening was empowering, giving women simple tools to protect themselves if necessary – there’s something reassuring about knowing what to do, even though by virtue of practicing situational awareness you’re significantly less at risk.

Communities across the country sponsor these kind of events regularly, and I’d strongly encourage all women to take the time to attend one.

Avivah

I’ve been pretty busy this past week and to top it off, got a bad cold that left me spending most of two days in bed.  Because my ears were affected, my balance was thrown off and I literally felt like my head was spinning – not conducive to doing much but sitting still!  It makes one appreciate the importance of healthy ears.  However, I had a deadline for an article I needed to write, and write it I did.  When I pressed ‘send’ to send it to the editor, I hoped to myself that I wasn’t embarrassing myself since I my head was swimming – that’s not just a saying – while I was sitting still, it was like inside my head everything was going around and around. And sure enough, the next day I reread it and I was disturbed to find several grammatical errors, so I fixed them and sent them back to the editor.  But she said me a message saying the article was great, which was nice; she had already edited it and approved it, and I didn’t feel the need to explain the reason for not having caught the errors myself.   🙂

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been posting as much recently.  Some updates: on Friday dd15 received her notice that she was accepted to the program she’s considering for next year, which was exciting.  (I couldn’t imagine them not accepting her but you never know until it’s official.)   Now we’re looking into yeshivos for ds16 and have tentative plans to go with him in a week and a half to Conneticut to check out one that looks particularly suitable for him.   I warned him that if dh and I can’t do it, he’s taking a train and I’ve enlisted the support of a young man we know who has been at this institution for four years to pick him up from the train and introduce him around.  I’m honestly not feeling driven to go there with him – it would be nice, but it’s a very long trip at a very busy time of year for ‘nice’, and this is post high school, after all.  Ds has a very good feeling about it and unless we learn something new that changes things, he’s already feeling that’s where he’d like to be for next year.

Last night I went to sleep feeling quite anxious about our still unhatched ducklings. They’re supposed to hatch in 28 days, and we were at day 30 with only one showing any signs of pipping.  And I was afraid that one wasn’t going to make it since he pipped on Thursday and by late Saturday night wasn’t noticeably closer to getting out.  So I searched the internet to try to find out if this was anywhere in the realm of normal (couldn’t find anyone that had a duckling that took that long) and if it was still possible for him and the rest to hatch despite the delays.  I think  that we didn’t have enough humidity in the incubator and the shells weren’t soft enough for them to get out of.  I was almost dreading waking up and finding it dead, since the kids were so excited and I knew they wouldn’t take it well to find the duckling they’d been watching struggle to get out for over two days died.  I sprinkled the eggs with warm water (including the one that was already partially hatched) and sprinkled more water in the incubator, hoping it would become humid enough for their needs.

Well, by the time dd13 was up just four hours later (I got to sleep very late and she gets up very early), not only had the one we’d been watching hatched, but so had another!  And within another half an hour of that, a third one hatched.  (Named: Peeps, Darth Vader, and… I can’t remember and the kids are sleeping so I can’t ask for a reminder, maybe Quackers.)  You don’t know how relieved I was for the sake of the ducklings and the kids!  So far one more pipped but we think it died.  The kids think that tonight more might hatch, and I hope they’re right.  We incubated 15 duck eggs and 12 were viable according to our candling, and it’s not a great feeling to have such a poor hatch rate.

This week marks one year since I was overdue by three weeks before finally having our delightfully yummy baby, and as I was noting the long delays with this hatching, I was thinking about it all comes down to the same thing – understanding the natural process and trusting it. The problem is that I don’t understand the natural process for hatching eggs well enough to trust it or myself.

Though I said we’d be limiting our contact with the ducklings for the first three days, that was hopeless.  My kids are fascinated with these adorable and fun little birds and can’t get enough of them, and all their friends who visited today also enjoyed them.  Tonight after all the littles and middles were asleep, dd15 and ds16 put the ducklings in a shallow pan of water and were having fun watching them.  It’s the kind of thing you can just sit and watch for a long time.  Then they blowdried them; I wish we could find the camera – watching the littlest one stand on dd’s palm while she blowdried him was too cute!

I’m trying to identify what breeds we have – we bought the eggs from someone who has a number of different kind of ducks and they’re a mixture.  So far I’ve figured out one of the three, I think – it’s a Rouen.  What I’d like most if we keep them for egg laying are Khaki Campbells or Indian Runners.  One might be a Campbell, but I can’t tell.  And I can’t tell which are male or female, anyway!

We’re going to try again with chicken eggs.  My wonderful dh was trying to help me put away groceries after my last shopping trip, and had no way of knowing that I had put the fertile chicken eggs we planned to hatch in a particular box.  So when he put them away, it was together with all of the other eggs.  The kids picked one box that they thought might have been from the farm where we get fertile eggs, but there was no outwardly distinguishing markings and though we put them in the incubator, I wasn’t confident at all that they were the right eggs, and there’s no visible action going on with them.  But who knows – maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow to a dozen little chicks in addition to some more ducklings!

Avivah

Today we saw the first signs of the hatching process!

The first part isn’t visible – it’s called internal pipping and what it means is the duckling pushes its beak through the membrane into the air sac at one end of the egg.   You can actually hear the little ducklings inside cheeping.

The next sign is the external pip, when there is a visible crack in the egg.  Only one so far has an external pip, but there’s a lot of cheeping going on and it’s so exciting!  When you hear them you realize that there really are baby ducklings in there.

Tomorrow we’ll head to the feed store to pick up food and whatever other supplies we’ll need for them.   It’s going to be a busy weekend. 🙂

Avivah

A couple of nights ago I suddenly realized that I needed to immediately complete the transcripts for my two high schoolers who are graduating in a month.  I’m ordering the diploma from a printing service because even though it’s lots more expensive than getting a standard one, it will look so much more professional and I’m also ordering a matching leather case for it to be presented in.  A diploma can only be granted by a legitimate administrator of established schools, including parents who are extended this status under compliance to state law regarding homeschooling.   So obviously a printing service can’t grant you a diploma (unless it’s one of the fake diploma mills that will give you the piece of paper you want – for a price), and this particular company will  only accept orders from legitimate sources.  Part of how they ascertain that is that they require your child’s transcripts before they’ll print your diploma for you.   I like that they’re being responsible and am happy to send them our official transcripts.  It’s just that I thought putting the transcripts together was for the far off future back in the winter when I realized we’d be graduating the kids early this year, and the far off date is already upon me!

You know how you can look at the date and not mentally correlate the date to an event?  Well, that’s what I was doing.  I know that they’re graduating on June 6, but I wasn’t mentally connecting it with needing to have my paperwork finished by now.  But I suddenly realized I have to order the diplomas (and gowns) with enough time that they arrive in time for the ceremony, and I can’t do that without their completed transcripts!

Yikes, was I feeling pressured, figuring out what official titles for their classes were, credit hours, state requirements!  Fortunately I have all the info organized as to what they’ve done educationally over the last years so it was mostly a matter of officially filling in the blanks, once I figured out what the format needed to be, how to compute credit hours, how many credits were needed in our state to graduate, etc.

I’m getting close to having them completed – I still have to compute their GPAs, and I’m finding a minor formatting issue annoying because it’s affecting some of the spacing so my dh will have to see if he can help me figure that out when he gets home.  But I feel so relieved to be finishing it so I can get this out of the way – I’m pretty good at paperwork and technical details but what  I enjoy about it is having it finished!

I’ve been so busy with putting together the Torah Home Education Conference, researching options for the two oldest kids for next year, trips I’m arranging for our homeschool group, and trying not to neglect my other kids and responsibilities, that I haven’t had much time to reflect on the significance of these transcripts.  What it means is it’s the official end of homeschooling for these children and the beginning of letting them go to start their independent lives.   It’s starting to hit me that two of my kids probably will be away next year and…well, I have mixed emotions.  I’m so happy for them that they’ve grown up so well – you can’t imagine the gratitude I feel to see the the wonderful people they are.  But watching them get ready to take the next step in their lives, away from home, is  tugging at my heart.

Avivah