At about 2am Sunday morning, we got a call from the US that our oldest daughter had been taken to the emergency room on Shabbos by ambulance.  At 7:30 Sunday morning, we got a call from the hospital that I needed to come to be with her as soon as possible (with Yirmiyahu, of course).

I hardly had time to wrap my head around that before I was dressing Yirmiyahu, ds3 and ds5 and heading out to the office of the Ministry of the Interior to get a passport for Yirmiyahu.  I was feeling a lot of pressure because I already had a pretty full morning scheduled – two ENT appointments for ds3 and ds5 and then an appointment with dd16’s school advisor, to discuss possible Israeli seminary options for her.  So when I walked out of the house needing to get to the bus, travel to the main shopping center, take passport photos, get a passport – all within an hour in order to be on time for my appointments with the ENT, I was working hard to not get uptight.

I hardly had to wait to get the photos done, but by the time we paid less than ten minutes later, the store was full of people waiting.  G0d was smoothing out the timing for us!  Then I went to the Ministry of the Interior; I had been there just a few days before and got the same clerk, who smiled in recognition when he saw me and immediately agreed to process the passport on the spot for us when I told him the situation.  I walked out of the office with the passport in hand within thirty five minutes of walking in and got to my appointment just five minutes late – this particular specialist very recently moved her office to the same building as the Ministry of the Interior.  Sometimes you don’t have to work hard to see miracles in your day to day life.

After I got back from the appointment with the high school advisor, I got busy on the phone to get in touch with the US embassy to get an emergency appointment for the following morning, then I headed out to take Yirmiyahu to physical therapy.  When I got home, I probably should have immediately started packing and preparing for the trip, gone grocery shopping to stock up or something practical like that.  But knowing I would be away for a couple of weeks, I wanted to spend time with the littles instead, so we went fruit picking at the home of a friend instead.  Not logical but it felt right.

I stayed up until 2 am getting things together, then woke up at 4 am so we could leave on the first bus to Akko, then from there we took the first train to Tel Aviv, then took a taxi to the US embassy.  We were told to get there before they opened and actually made it despite the distance from our home, amazingly enough.  When we left the house, I took a bag for the flight with me, though I didn’t yet have a flight.  (Someone in the US was organizing it for me but wanted to be sure we could get an Israeli passport before she made the ticket and then with the seven hour time difference, it made it trickier.)

We got a three month temporary US passport for Yirmiyahu while we waited.  This was made much easier by the fact I had been in touch with someone at the embassy the day before, who sent an email to the Tel Aviv office to tell them we would be coming and explaining the situation.  (If you’re ever in this situation, do this – they have emergency contact information on the embassy website, and others who came without appointments were told to come back a different day after being sharply spoken to.)  Initially they told me to come back in two weeks, then told me to come back in a few hours, but finally agreed to take care of it while we waited.  We left the embassy and headed across the street to a cafe with wifi, so I could check my emails what was happening with my ticket.

At that point I got a message with basic information (ie times but not airline or flight numbers) for a flight leaving that evening before midnight but further details would have to wait until 9am US time, so the agent could access his system.   That meant waiting until 4 pm Israel time to get information, but I assumed that I would be traveling.  I contacted a friend in Ranaana, who had offered to let me stay there if there was a lot of time between the embassy and my flight, and figured out bus details to get to her.  I got there at 1:30, put Yirmiyahu down for a long nap, ate lunch and got a nap myself – very needed, since I had slept only two hours the night before.

I checked my emails at 4 pm, still no flight details.  At 5, I sent a message that I needed to leave to the airport in less than two hours and needed to know that my flight was confirmed!  She sent me the confirmation info and I was able to print out the flight information, then got busy figuring out what buses and trains I needed to take to be at the airport on time.

It was a very busy day but I got where I needed to be when I needed to be there, and was able to board my flight with baby and passports in hand, something I had been very worried about.  I was very relieved and grateful to be on my way…

Avivah

Usually I start thinking about Purim at least a month or two in advance, keeping an eye out for sales or interesting costume/mishloach makings.  It’s a fun time of discussing different ideas with the kids, sewing costumes, searching through the packaging supplies we’ve accumulated throughout the years to find something pretty, and making lists of all the neighbors and friends that we’ll be giving mishloach manos to.  This year…I’ve been not in the mood at all.  Every time my daughter asks me what we’re doing for mishloach manos, I tell her I’m not able to think about it.  A few days ago, she said to me, “I know you don’t want to think about this, but Purim is getting closer and we have to start thinking about it soon!” Yes, I knew that but I still didn’t want to deal with it.

Purim is a very fun holiday, but it takes a lot of preparation and forethought.  Last year Purim was extremely blah, a letdown for us all, and I just didn’t feel like thinking about it again.  I expected that even in a secular city in Israel I’d feel Purim in the air, but it wasn’t the case at all.  What came closest to feeling the Purim spirit was a couple of days before Purim, seeing kids in costume coming home from school.  But on Purim itself, it was business as usual.  (Yirmiyahu’s physical therapist wanted to schedule a session on Sunday as usual.  When I said it was Purim and wasn’t able to come, she looked very puzzled.)  My kids felt awkward being the only ones in costume, and most of my neighbors didn’t know what to do with the mishloach manos (some brought it back to me) – I give cake to my neighbors for Rosh Hashana and doughnuts for Chanukah, and it surprised me that they didn’t realize this was a holiday related gesture.

As far as the Purim seuda last year, we couldn’t find people to invite.  All the Anglo olim families attended a communal seudah, the young non-olim families travel out of Karmiel to their families or get together with others in their stage of life – so our meal was attended by a single Israeli man.  It was a nice meal, but it didn’t feel like Purim, not one tiny bit.

So maybe you can understand why I haven’t been feeling like putting forth much effort to have this kind of experience again.  My mother generously offered to pay for us to attend the communal seuda, which is quite expensive for a family our size.  Aside from cost issues, I usually am hesitant about these kind of events (there’s a tendency for there to be many unsupervised children running around together, and it’s not fun for me to be supervising and telling my kids they can’t do what everyone else is doing).

But this year we appreciatively accepted my mother’s offer because we want our kids to have some feeling of Purim.  It’s too hard to find guests and when the general atmosphere during the course of the day isn’t festive, there are more expectations for the meal to be exciting which makes the thought of a seuda feel like a pressure.  It looks like there will be a very nice group of families attending the communal meal so now I’m looking forward to it more than dreading it.

The kids in school are having Purim activities this week, and now that I got costumes for them a couple of days ago, I’m able to be happy for them instead of feeling pressured to get everyone ready.  I was fortunate to find what I needed at a friend’s unofficial costume gemach, which I’m incredibly grateful for.  That’s another weight off of my mind.

As far as mishloach manos, I think it’s going to be very, very minimal.  I’m not willing to do more than make something very basic, and I don’t really care if it’s original or beautiful.  I know I don’t sound overflowing with holiday good spirits, but I’m getting myself slowly into gear and it looks like it will be a nice Purim for everyone in spite of my slow start!

Avivah

I was asked by a reader who was bothered by a response to her comment by another commenter:

>>how do you deal with people who disagree with you online?  do you get a lot of personal emails where people ‘fight’ with you
about your views on things?<<

The truth is that I’ve been very fortunate – I have a very high quality blog audience.  I’ve occasionally been attacked personally and/or had strong aspersions cast on my views, but I rarely have people who email me privately to discuss their issues.  They generally post a scathing comment under an email address contrived to protect their anonymity (eg someone@gmail) and that’s it.  Even that’s pretty minimal.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.  My positions on some issues have shifted over time, and if I don’t even agree with my past self sometimes!  That being said, there have definitely times that I’ve felt very hurt and judged by things that have been written, and I’ve had to take a break from posting in order to regrow my emotional skin – I try not to take things personally but I think it’s natural to feel hurt when people say unkind things to/about you.   People too easily forget that behind every computer screen is a person with feelings, and I try to remember this about others as I hope they will keep that in mind when reading what I write.

There are those who would say that once you put your views in the public domain, you have to accept that people are going to disagree with you.  Kind of like, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.”  As I said, I expect that some people will disagree but to attack someone isn’t okay, even if they share their positions publicly.  Being respectful of others may be even more important in an online venue than in person, since online things are so easily misconstrued.

I think one thing that has helped me avoid negativity here is that I try to avoid controversy, though this is a highly recommended tactic to build a blog audience.  It might be a lot more interesting for people but I don’t think the world needs more negativity and hostility.  This makes it tricky for me to express opinions that I feel strongly about that are going to bother some people, so it’s a fine line that I have to walk.  But it also means that those who are quick to sling arrows don’t usually hang around here.

I try hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, to assume that even if something sounded harsh that perhaps I misread the tone, or that perhaps the person doesn’t have great communication skills but didn’t mean any harm.  This and some time and space from the issue at hand usually help me regain perspective.  And sometimes people who commented harshly later wrote to apologize for expressing themselves inelegantly, which is always a nice bonus!

Avivah

Last night I went out to a womens’ event in the community, feeling somewhat conflicted about leaving the house since ds19 was home and almost everyone was sitting down to dinner together except for a couple of kids who were sick.  It had been a busy day with not having so much time to connect with most of the kids, and I really felt like I was missing out by leaving just when my family was ready to relax together.  But I enjoyed my time out, especially since in the cold weather I haven’t been seeing friends or aquaintances much.

As I was walking home, I noticed my ds10 at the window looking out and waved to him, while wondering why he was still up so late (it was 11 pm), particularly since the next morning school was starting again after the Chanuka vacation. When I opened the door to my house, I understood!  He was set up as the look out person.  🙂

The lights were out and as I entered the living room, everyone (ages 10 and up) began singing happy birthday to me!  Dd18 had set up some kind of strobe lights using the computer and put on background music, and they were all wearing party hats and huge smiles.  Dh had drawn a birthday poster, the table was set beautifully (you can’t tell in picture), the computer had been set up to flash strobe lights and play lovely background music – it was very nice and I was very,very surprised – my birthday was a month ago and they did a good job of catching me totally unaware!

Two of the kids who had been sick but were up and singing, swaying back and forth with their arms linked around each other’s shoulders along with everyone else.  It warms my heart and brings me so much joy when I see all of them together like this.  I don’t expect anything for my birthday but they didn’t want to let it pass without some recognition.  And as far as my earlier conflict about leaving the house, the kids told me how happy they were that I went out so they could plot without me being aware of anything!

Avivah

A few hours after our bas mitzva was over, I commented to dd16 that it’s nice to have it over and done with.  She responded, “Yes, but there’s so much to do that it doesn’t even make a difference (in terms of feeling less busy)!”

This is so true!  In addition to my regular schedule this past week, I had three PTA meetings on Monday.  Directly from there, I traveled to Haifa to spend the night at the hospital with my mother, who had hip replacement surgery that evening.  My mom made aliyah six months ago, and doesn’t yet speak much Hebrew – it’s hard enough having major surgery without the added challenge of not being able to verbally communicate your needs to the staff.  It’s well-known that patients with someone to advocate for them get better care, and that’s what I was there for – to make sure she had her needs met.  I went back again on Thursday to spend the night, and stayed until early Friday afternoon; I got home about an hour before Shabbos.

This coming week I have appointments scheduled for every day, not including visiting my mother, who is supposed to be transferred to a rehabilitation facility in the next couple of days.  I’d love to visit every day – I know how much it means to her for me to be there – but being that the travel time is over two hours in each direction, two or three times a week is really the most I can manage.  I stayed overnight because in this way I could be there to help her during the night, and this time of day is the easiest for me since during the kids’ waking hours I’m pretty committed time-wise and this way my absence is the least noticed.  A bonus is that by staying overnight, I was able to spend many more hours with her than I could have if my visits were in the daytime, and to be there four days instead of just two.

There’s a Torah obligation to honor one’s parents, and I wish I was a better example of this to my children.  I’m fortunate that my mom is appreciative with whatever I can manage, and understands how full my life is, so she doesn’t pressure me in any way – she didn’t even ask me to be with her at the hospital at all because she knows what my life is like.  But I’ve sometimes felt badly that the reality of having a large family means that I’m not able to be as available for my mother as I would like.

Being able to be at the hospital with her was in large part thanks to the support of my family, since I missed dinner, bedtime, the early morning getting everyone ready for school, and on Friday, didn’t do anything at all towards Shabbos preparations.  So obviously other people had to step up to take care of that.  Also, since I’m sleeping sitting upright in a chair for about 4 hours a night when I’m at the hospital, waking up several times during that period, I need to get some additional rest in when I get home and they’ve been understanding about this, too.

This week is a much busier week than last week (last week was a ‘quiet’ week for me, with appointments only two days a week, not including the bas mitzva and three PTA meetings).   But I’m still hopeful that I can make it to Haifa to visit my mother on some evenings.

Avivah

Today my husband and I went to Jerusalem for a morning meeting.  When we were planning our day on the bus ride there, my husband had suggested we go to the Kotel – I haven’t been there since we moved here, and he felt it was an especially important time for us to do this and pray for our family before Yom Kippur.  I agreed with him that it would be a meaningful thing to do and a valuable use of our limited time in Jerusalem.

But when our appointment was over and we were back to the Central Bus Station to get a bus to the Kotel, I reassessed.  Whenever I come to Jerusalem (this is the fifth time in over a year), it’s kind of stressful.  There are only three buses that leave early in the morning from Karmiel, and just two buses in the early to mid afternoon that go from Jerusalem to Karmiel.  So I get up super early each time to get to Jerusalem as soon as possible, and from the minute I get there I’m rushing from one thing to another, trying to squeeze in everything I possibly can before the last bus at 4:25.  It’s exhausting and draining and though I feel productive each time, it’s not fun.

But this time I was feeling sick and nauseous from having so little sleep and nothing to eat and hardly anything to drink (because it’s not a good idea to drink before a three hour bus ride with no rest stops!).  And I told my husband that what I really wanted to do was to go home on the first bus and until then, to get something to eat and for the two of us to have a chance to talk without being rushed or needing to do something.  This is what really felt like the best thing to do.  He agreed.

To make this decision, we needed to assess what was the good and what was the best, and to choose the best.  Sometimes this is a hard decision to make because the good things in our lives look so good – doesn’t taking time for spirituality and connection to G-d at the holiest place in the world seem like a really good idea, especially right before Yom Kippur?  Of course it is!  But taking time to nurture ourselves physically and make time for our relationship, to talk without interruption and without being rushed to do something else, was even more important for us right then.

This is something that looks different for each person, and will look different for the same person on different days or even at different points on the same day!  When we made the choice that was in alignment with our true priorities and needs, a feeling of calm filled us.  We’ve had several important issues to take care of lately that have required a lot of time and energy on our part, and pausing for renewal was the the right thing to do to balance ourselves as a couple right now.

Often the good things seem so compelling that we let them override our sense of what the best thing for us is in that moment.  It’s not always easy to identify what is the best choice at this moment, and it’s certainly not always clear. But it’s always worthwhile!

Avivah

I’ve been without a computer for a few weeks now, and it’s a situation that I’ve had mixed feelings about.  What was originally my overwhelming feeling was one of frustration because I was so used to having constant access and that was hard not to have.   This was especially frustrating since some of what I do for ‘me time’ requires online access (listening to Torah lectures, blogging, preparing my parsha class).  The second feeling was one of appreciation that my energies are less divided and I’m able to be more emotionally present for my kids – often if they talk to me when I’m online, I’m only listening with half an ear.  I feel  more relaxed and focused, because my attention isn’t being split up in different directions as much.  (With ten children, I still have plenty of times my energies are divided in many directions!)

Tonight I was enjoying talking with my older kids and hearing them share thoughts about Rosh Hashana (dd17 shared the contents of an entire shiur she listened to, and I told her only half jokingly that she should give my weekly class instead of me this coming Shabbos!).  As I was sitting there, I realized that my feelings about not having a computer have shifted from minor frustration about not having a computer to use, to mostly appreciation of the increased time I have to do the many things I need to do!  I feel more mentally focused on one thing at a time

I’d like to say that I’ve enjoyed this period so much that I won’t be getting another computer, but despite how much I’m enjoying being without a computer, it is a tool that I find very valuable.  What I hope to take with me when my access is restored again is a better balance between my online and offline time.

Avivah