Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Ten years after our Trisomy 21 diagnosis…reflections

    Last week we celebrated Yirmi’s tenth birthday. It doesn’t seem like a decade ago that we got the surprise diagnosis that our newborn son had Trisomy 21. I suppose time always seems to pass more swiftly than you expect it to.

    I’ve learned quite a bit along the way, but the biggest ongoing lessons have been: believe in yourself – you love and care about your child more than anyone and you are capable; believe in your child – you know him and his potential more than anyone; and keep believing in him even when externally it looks and feels discouraging.

    As I just wrote that and looked at it, I thought to myself, well, what was so different about that than any child? And the answer is, nothing. But these have been my biggest takeaways during this last decade, and continue to be what I hold in the forefront on my mind.

    I’ve shared before that I’ve often felt inadequate, wishing I had the resources to do more for him. I’ve had to put aside thoughts of what other mothers do to support their children and not compare myself.

    In spite of what I haven’t done and continue not to do, I have an intelligent and capable son who happens to have T21. He’s doing great and continues to develop and mature. And I’m maturing, too, continually becoming more appreciative of things in the present moment, as they are right now, without holding out for perfection.

    I really don’t believe in perfection, but when it came to Yirmi I wanted so much to be able to give him the support I felt he deserved that would enable him to actualize his potential. While that is a noble intention and came from a place mostly of love (but let’s be honest, there’s always ego there), realistically I have to wonder how many human beings on the planet have fully realized their elusive potential.

    I had an internal struggle after having Yirmi, since my educational philosophy is based on giving kids the space and time to step into who they want to be and want they want to do. I’m not a fan of pushing kids much. But the proactive moms of kids with T21 whom I most identified with, do a tremendous amount to actively support their children. The accomplishments of their children looked so compelling, and I wanted those for my child, too.

    I can feel guilty about it or not, but I am who I am. I’m a fantastic mediator, I’m a good role model of life-long learning, and I provide a lot of hands-on, skill-based learning opportunities. That comes easily to me; I don’t have to read books on how to do it or schedule it in to my day, or work hard to remember I should be doing that. I read quality books to my children, use good vocabulary when speaking to them, and their comprehension and verbal expression reflects that.

    Other things don’t come naturally to me…activities that don’t come naturally to me are the things I end up feeling inadequate about. I felt they should be done whether I found them easy to do or not, since my child deserved to have this kind of support.

    It’s so, so easy to slip into focusing on what you’re not doing. My challenge has been to let go of that ‘not enough’ voice and actively appreciate where we are now: “My kids are doing great, I’m enough and let’s just keep doing what we’re doing.”

    I’ve also found peace of mind about having him in a special needs school. Letting go of my ideal of inclusive learning wasn’t easy. While the school he attends is a state of the art school and I very much appreciate all that they do and how they do it, I felt I failed by not continuing to pursue inclusive school environments. Why not? Because it felt like too much pushing, too much advocating, too much interfacing and educating teachers and administrators. I questioned if it was fair to him to put him in a school system where he was likely to be at the bottom of the class, no matter how hard he tried. I’ve never put my children in high pressure environments, since I don’t believe that’s beneficial developmentally. I wouldn’t do it to my neurotypical kids, so why was it desirable in the name of inclusion to do it to my sensitive, open-hearted child with T21?

    I can sum up the last decade by saying, I’ve had and continue to have opportunities to practice appreciating who I am and putting the focus on that. The more that I’ve stayed true to myself, to what I believe- even if I disappoint those who would prefer I promote a different message or take different actions – the more at rest I feel within myself.

    We seek to create an atmosphere at home in which our children can find that critical ‘rest’ that is so necessary for development, a place of not having to prove, of being safe, of knowing he is just right the way he is – and this is the same kind of space we should be creating for ourselves as parents.

    You can see that most of the last ten years wasn’t about Yirmi – it was about me sifting through lots of information and perspectives, and making room for my own beliefs. It was about letting go of frustrations I sometimes felt when he wasn’t hitting milestones at a pace I would have liked, and replacing it with genuine appreciation and acceptance for his personal timeline. It’s been hugely about accepting and appreciating my own self.

    Raising children isn’t for wimps. Raising kids with special needs has the potential to make you look even more closely and deeply at yourself. While I can look at what others do and genuinely appreciate their efforts and be glad for them, I no longer participate in T21 groups that I had considered a source of inspiration, because the inspiration I received paled next to the inadequacy I was left with. Recognizing something can be valuable to someone else but doesn’t serve me at this time, and being willing to let go of it is an important lesson.

    Someone asked me today, is it really much harder to raise kids with T21? I paused, because I don’t want to sugarcoat and I don’t want to exaggerate.

    Two and a half years ago I went on a two day trip sponsored by the school ds5 was in at the time, and it was such a positive experience for me to be in a room with other parents of children with a diagnosis, and I hope I’ll have another opportunity in the future to participate in a similar kind of getaway. It was a relief to be able to mention an area of challenge, without feeling someone would judge me as complaining or judge my child for being limited.

    So yes, there are things that are harder or different, things that have required me to be more patient, to work harder, to do more. Has it helped me grow as a person? I hope so.

    I feel the most accurate answer to the above question is, “It’s mostly the same as raising any child, with some differences.”

    A teaching assistant of Yirmi’s told me a couple of years ago, ‘There’s nothing wrong with Yirmi and his developmental pace. The problem is the world expects it to be different.” There’s a deep, deep truth to that statement.

    Avivah

  • A beautiful bar mitzva! Photos and updated family pic

    What a busy, beautiful weekend of family celebration, in honor of our newest bar mitzva boy!

    Silly brothers pic
    My mom with the bar mitzva boy
    Our oldest son with his family
    Our oldest daughter with her family
    Our second daughter and her family
    Our newest couple – our second son and his wife
    With nephews

    I appreciate that the photographer took a lot of spontaneous pictures.

    Me with our two youngest boys and two granddaughters
    My mom with her youngest great-grandson
    My youngest daughter with my youngest granddaughter

    It’s not easy to get a picture of a large group of people, and it’s basically impossible to get a picture without someone blinking or moving. And with late afternoon temps in the 90s, tired children….everyone did great!

    Our greatest blessing in life – our family.

    It was a lot of work cooking and baking and organizing, but I had so much sincere enjoyment that it didn’t seem so significant.

    This week’s Torah portion was the third longest in the entire Torah – my last son had a double parsha, and this parsha was more than twice as long as the double parsha!

    This bar mitzva boy is a late reader, but he not only prepared the entire parsha, but the haftarah as well. Many people commented to me on how confident he was, that his reading was clear, loud and accurate. He was consistent and persistent in his preparations, and we are all so proud of him!

    His reading took an entire hour. Literally. It was really, really long. Afterwards, he told me he felt a bit sad that it was over, and he was sorry he hadn’t read the haftarah more slowly to enjoy it even more. He’s already planning to prepare some of the Torah reading for an upcoming week!

    He’s a wonderful young man and it’s been gratifying watching him grow up.

    I’m feeling quite a bit of poignancy, some bittersweet feelings. This was the last of three bar mitzvas in just a little over three years, and it will be a few years until the next one. They really do grow up so fast….

    Avivah

  • Formula shortages and formula options

    A few weeks ago there began to be a shortage of formula in the US, a situation that has reached what some officials have called a ‘crisis situation’.

    Baby formula is in dramatically short supply, with many stores locking up the formula, limiting it to one per customer, or the stock in the stores simply not there. Parents of babies who need formula are having to drive far distances, pay exorbitant online prices to opportunist sellers – or do without.

    As a mother of 11 who has been deeply committed to breastfeeding, I nonetheless have experienced the challenge of not being able to nurse two of my babies. I nursed my tenth child, who had a weak sucking reflex, for four months, while simultaneously pumping for several hours a day to keep my supply up. I finally gave up when despite all my efforts, I couldn’t produce the milk he needed. (I later realized that the two pumps I had borrowed were faulty and that was the source of the problem, but in my exhausted state and with very limited community resources, I couldn’t access other options.)

    I turned to formula, trying different kinds while also looking for goats’ milk and mothers’ milk donors, for the most part without success. Finally, after five months we found a formula he could tolerate, that was only available by medical prescription and cost over 1000 shekels a month.

    When my eleventh child came into our lives via the legal system, I began seeking out mothers’ milk donors before he even arrived home. I was then living in the center of the country, and access to community resources was dramatically different. Like his brother before him, he couldn’t tolerate regular formula. For the first two years, we were blessed to be able to give him mother’s milk for all but two months (a week here, a week there, when the donor milk couldn’t be found), and for those in-between times we supplemented with a medical prescription formula. I later donated the many unused cans we had purchased to a mother in financial need whose child used that specialty formula. I was so grateful to have the resources that I needed to keep him healthy.

    When I think of these desperate mothers seeking food for their babies, it’s heartbreaking. I once ran out of formula due to logistics in prescription/purchasing rules (those have since changed) and we ended up in the emergency room on Shabbos as a result.

    These mothers need options. While breastfeeding is wonderful and I fully support it, it’s not an option for everyone. It’s disturbing for me to see commentators – especially men – suggesting that if mothers would be breastfeeding they wouldn’t be in this situation.

    Many women physically can’t produce milk no matter how much they try, due to illness or physical challenge on the side of the mother or baby; there are foster/adoptive parents/grandparents raising children that they didn’t give birth to.

    I do believe that steps will be taken to to increase formula production and hopefully this will be a short-lived crisis. In the interim, parents need help. If you are a nursing mother and know someone struggling with the formula shortage, perhaps you can offer to help out by pumping. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to the tens of mothers who kept our youngest nourished and healthy thanks to their donations. Or if you see formula in your stores, buy it to donate to someone else who can’t find it. Or share the below information for how to make their own.

    How did people feed their infants in the days before commercially produced formula was available? Hiring a wet nurse was a common practice, but in cultures that didn’t have that practice, parents made their own. Here’s are two recipes for formula that are nutritionally complete that were published in Nourishing Traditions; one is dairy and one is meat based. Goat milk is an excellent replacement for mother’s milk, though it needs to be supplemented with vitamin B12 and folate. Many of our elders who were bottle-fed were raised on evaporated milk mixed with Karo syrup; here is a simple emergency formula replacement recipe using evaporated milk, as well as an excellent explanation for why evaporated milk is a better option than regular milk. **Disclaimer: of course every parent needs to verify with their medical professionals that the option they are considering is appropriate for their child.**

    Hopefully this situation will quickly be resolved. In the meantime, parents can look to alternative solutions and feel empowered knowing they have the tools to keep their babies fed and happy.

    Avivah

  • My father-in-law’s passing and musings about memories we leave behind

    Thirty years ago, my husband and I dated and then got engaged while we were both studying in Israel. Afterwards we flew back to the US to meet each other’s parents.

    It was erev Pesach when he picked me up to take me to meet his parents. I was going to be spending the seder and the subsequent meals of the first two days of the holiday with them. It was a rainy day, and he admits he was a little distracted and didn’t notice the exit we were meant to take until it was almost too late; he exited the highway too quickly, the car spun out of control on the slick road and we crashed into the side of the road. It was at the service station we had been towed to that I first met my father-in-law, when he came to pick us up.

    He was kind and gracious, notable since it was his car my husband had been driving, and it was a few hours before Pesach began, a time that is generally very busy. This gentle, kind quality is something that has been consistent throughout the years.

    At the beginning of this week my husband got a call that his father was suddenly given a very short time to live, and to get there as soon as possible. He was able to get a flight that night, and was there for three days, waiting for what we all knew was inevitable. He passed this morning.

    My husband was the only one of my immediate family to be present at the funeral in person, but the rest of us were present via webcast for the funeral services. It was a gift to be able to participate in that way, to hear what was shared about my father-in-law. All of what was said was consistent with my own experience.

    Afterward I spoke with my oldest son, and we talked about how a person’s life is summed up in just a few minutes. What are you remembered for when you’re no longer here? It really comes down to character and relationships. I would hazard a guess that even someone who was professionally very successful would not have this directly referenced as his greatest legacy unless he had no relationships that were of significance.

    It’s not comfortable to think about what people will say about you at your funeral (at least for me it’s not), but I think it’s worth asking one’s self what you want them to say.

    I’ve been thinking lately about acts of kindness. A couple of weeks ago, the weekly Torah portion included the concept of loving another person as yourself. We shared several stories at our Shabbos table of how people extended themselves for others, and I felt very aware that I have plenty of room to grow in this area.

    Also in the last couple of weeks, the indoor mask mandates in Israel have been dropped, and I feel differently when I’m out and about. Warmer, more open, more friendly, more kind. More like the person I used to be. That means that my normative behavior has become more closed and self-focused in the last couple of years when I’m in public.

    My newest daughter-in-law has an aunt and uncle in Baltimore (where my in-laws live) who during this week have been a beautiful model of how to reach out to others. They have visited the hospital daily, brought loads of food, sung and prayed with my father-in-law, picked up my husband from the airport, driven for hours to the burial in New Jersey – hardly knowing my in-laws or us. That kind of response comes from people who are so used to doing acts of service for others that they do it as naturally as breathing.

    I think that when one is more open-hearted, one naturally notices others and wants to be of assistance. It’s first and foremost a way of thinking, that leads to a way of acting. I feel like a person who has been sleeping and has to shake off the lethargy, and consciously remind myself to do the kind of things I used to do on a regular basis.

    While I don’t yet have an answer about what I want people to say about me after I’m gone, I’m clear that I don’t like the self-oriented focus that has slipped in. While in large part this has happened because I’ve perceived others as closing themselves in and not desiring contact with others, with this new awareness, I’m starting to make some very small shifts in the direction I’d prefer to go.

    Avivah

  • Ds12 putting on tefillin

    Guess who put on tefillin for the first time today?!

    After my husband and the boys came home from shul, my husband and I took a walk, and I said, “Remember when we had the bigs, the middles and the littles?” (Our nickname for the groupings of our first nine children – we had three children born in three years (the bigs), then a 2.5 year break, then three children born in 3.5 years (the middles), then a 3.75 year break, then three children born in three years (the littles.)

    My long term readers will remember me referencing our children as such.

    Well, this is the youngest of the littles. He’s been growing up for a long time :), but now officially that era has ended.

    He was the second child born after I started this blog, the only one to have a picture of him posted right after he was born – the first picture of a family member on this blog. He’s grown up to be an amazing, mature, kind, social, connecting person with tremendous natural empathy and understanding of others.

    —————————————

    We had a lovely Pesach with almost all of our married children here for the seder – the only exception was our newest couple, who instead spent the last days of the holiday with us. We are extremely blessed that although we have a lot of people here together at once, they all get along well and it’s harmonious and comfortable.

    It’s a lot of work hosting, but it brings me such joy. Watching our three granddaughters (between the ages of 3 – 3 3/4) play together, along with my five year old, is so wonderful. Hopefully the four grandsons (born within a year) will also have that friend-relationship with their cousins.

    When we talked about moving here, one big concern was that it would create more distance between us and our married children and grandchildren. My husband said that they would come less frequently but when they did, it would be a different kind of experience for them to visit us. He was so right.

    It makes a huge difference having a larger home and a comfortable space to host when family comes. It means a lot to me when my oldest son told me that his wife is the one who initiates their visits, who really enjoys her stays here, that they chose to come for Pesach even though officially this was her parents turn to have them for the seder. My second daughter told me that they never could have stayed with us for a week and a half if we were still in RBS. Our space, though adequate for short visits, wouldn’t have been comfortable for an extended visit.

    Now, they can feel like they’re on vacation when they come, since it’s a more country like atmosphere than where they live.

    When our grandchildren run through the grass and jump on the trampoline together, when they see the newly hatched chicks and hold a rabbit, when they splash around in the pool together, when the babies swing in the bucket swing that I bought several years ago picturing them using it….I feel so content.

    Sometimes I marvel to my husband at how miraculous it seems, how G-d has blessed us with so many special people in our lives, and he agrees and then reminds me how much effort we invested into creating this outcome.

    When almost everyone went back home to Jerusalem (we still have two teen boys home from yeshiva break for just two more days), there was a slight bit of wistfulness. I do love having all my chicks in the nest.

    It’s nice to know that we’ll have everyone back here in another month for the bar mitzva. I’m hoping to get an updated family photo. The last one was taken three years ago at my sixteen year old’s bar mitzva, and there are five new family members since that picture was taken. I thought we’d get an updated photo at the wedding eight months ago, but due to logistics, we have no family picture that includes our newest daughter-in-law. The photographer said he would photoshop her in, but when the albums came, she was still missing from the picture. The photographer did a beautiful job on all the pictures, and it’s really for the best. The colors and background color of the wedding photos wouldn’t have been a good match for our living room, and two babies were born since then so it’s all good.

    Having my oldest daughter living close by is so nice, and then there’s the added bonus that for the bar mitzva she’ll be able to host one couple or family at her house. Last week new bunkbeds arrived for one boys’ room, to make it possible for all the boys at home to double up and free up a bedroom if necessary, thereby making room for another couple. Even though it’s doable, it’s more comfortable to share the hosting with my daughter and son-in-law.

    Someone asked me about what our plans for the bar mitzva are. When I told her: a kiddush on Shabbos morning, meals for the family all together for Shabbos, and then on Saturday night a party at our home for men and boys, she told me how fortunate we are to be able to keep things simple. It’s true. I’m appreciative of living in a place where there isn’t a high material standard to be pressured by.

    Avivah

  • Doing all the right things as a parent…so why did my kids turn out like this?

    I recently had the pleasure of hosting a long-time blog reader in our vacation apartment here in Yavneel, and enjoyed the opportunity to get to know her. She shared that she had resentment towards the parenting approach promoted in a particular forum, since it seemed to offer a tantalizing promise of results that didn’t actualize in her life, despite doing all the right things.

    Years ago, someone asked me why anyone should listen to anything I had to say about parenting, since at that time I had written about a child who was going through a rough period.

    And one more encounter. Last week I was interviewed by an Israeli charedi writer about homeschooling. One thing she expressed surprise about was that a parent who is homeschooling would still feel frustration, impatience or a need to have personal space.

    All of these reflect the simplistic (and false and dangerous!) belief that there is some kind of perfectionism possible in the world of parenting. If you do everything right, the thinking goes, your children will be poster children. (Or if you have poster children, it’s because you’re the perfect parent.) The flip side of that assumption is, if your children are challenging or challenged in some visible way, you did something wrong.

    Sorry. Parenting isn’t a perfect equation like that.

    I deeply appreciate something I heard Dr. Gordon Neufeld say on one of his video trainings. He said, sometimes people think if you are parenting from a place of understanding and using the principles of healthy attachment, that you’re never going to have any issues. Not so.

    What understanding and using these principles does do, he continued, is give you a way to ride out the storm, to not make a bad situation worse, to get to safe harbor.

    This is so important to understand and internalize. Your child is going to have his own journey through life, and all of the factors in his life can’t be controlled by you, nor can they be blamed on you.

    While there are families that have less than ideal parenting practices who would greatly benefit from being more accepting and compassionate of their children, many, many solid families have faced significant challenges with their children. If you’ve had a smooth and unchallenged parenting path, chances are very high that your children are still relatively young – or that G-d chose to challenge you in a different area of your life.

    I’ve been blessed with wonderful children, and people look at our family from the outside and make comments that presume it was easy, that we’ve never faced challenges, that our children always like us and want to be around us. Let me pause while I hold back a strangled snort.

    I didn’t write about parenting or do parenting consultations for a year and a half while two teenagers were simultaneously going through a period in which they were convinced I was the worst parent in the world. I won’t describe that period, other than to say it took all my emotional energy to keep thinking good thoughts about them, not to descend into hostility, and not to feel discouraged. I kept holding on to the principles that I write about, trusting that we would get through the storm. And we did.

    I don’t believe in simplistic answers, I don’t believe in making false promises, and I certainly don’t believe in advocating perfectionism. While it sounds nice and neat to package parenting into a set of practices and then guarantee results, who can do that in a process as complex as parenting? There are so, so many factors, personalities and abilities, traumas that some children experience, and all of these factors will affect their development.

    However, I do deeply believe in the power of love and acceptance of our children, especially at times when that feels hard. I was asked if someone who has children who didn’t stay religious should be teaching about parenting. (Black and white thinking – your kids turned out perfectly, you have the right to teach. They don’t, you don’t.) I told her if the person has a good relationship with her children despite the religious differences, there’s a lot to learn from her.

    It’s the people who have had to work for what they have that you can learn the most from, not those for whom it fell into their laps.

    My interviewer fell into the trap of making black and white equations – ‘if you do this, then you won’t feel that’ – idealizing and putting a homeschooling parent so far up on a pedestal that she was closer to an angel than a human being. I had to strongly stress repeatedly that a parent is going to sometimes have negative emotions regardless of how and where his child is educated, and we all have to work on that.

    We parents put so much pressure on ourselves. Take a step back from the harsh judgments of yourself and other parents. We’re all doing the best we can. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s hard to see your child struggle and I don’t want to minimize how hard that can feel. But what I’m saying is to drop that black and white programming that is still running on your mental computer, thinking that you were the defect in the system, that it happened because you were inadequate and failed. There is no guarantee of results because it’s not possible. We all do the best we can and the results are up to G-d.

    Avivah



  • Is preparing for hard times a lack of faith?

    I received a thoughtful response to my post yesterday about food shortages and my suggestion to US readers to buy some extra food.

    >> The attitude you are approaching is the American prepping attitude. I am familiar with it as I spend a lot of time on online homesteading communities. It is a worldview born in the backwoods of America where this idea of each-man-for-himself independence makes sense (sort of).<<

    I have been using the frugal strategies that I have shared for many years, long before there was a term calling ‘prepping’ or ‘preppers’. I don’t identify as such, nor do I identify as a homesteader, though for many years I’ve noticed many homesteaders have similar attitudes to myself in some areas.

    >>It is questionable whether it belongs in a tiny urbanized country like Israel and, more specifically, in Jewish communities.<<

    I question the assertion that a worldview of being responsible for one’s self rather than relying on others to take care of you is specifically American. I would say that historically this was the norm across all societies when people had the ability to do so. Food was preserved during the autumn (during times of abundance) to put away for the winter (a time of scarcity). Often people tried to put food up for two years, knowing that a crop could fail and they would be left without food if they only prepared for one.

    This is the same thinking as having a savings account. When you have a good income, you put some aside, knowing that at a later time there could be extra expenses that come along, sickness, or job loss. It’s about being prudent with your resources at times of plenty, knowing that life shifts and unexpected things happen. Do people in urbanized areas not believe in financial investments or savings, do they not buy car or life insurance?

    >>In the Jewish community, we are all one. It’s not every man for himself. If my fellow Jew is suffering, I am suffering. I am not interested in grabbing for myself or making sure that me and mine are OK, while my neighbors and wider society go up in flames.<<

    It’s not only in the Jewish community that we are all one. All of humanity is one. What is good for one can’t be at the expense of what is good for others. This is inherent to my worldview.

    There are three levels of functioning: dependence, independence, and interdependence, with interdependence being the highest level. A person can’t developmentally skip from one level to another. We all start off life dependent, and as we grow, hopefully become more responsible for ourselves. From that position of being independent, we can move into family and community relationships of interdependence.

    I find the assumption that those who are being responsible for themselves are being selfish or lacking in faith to be a false and unfair construct. Yes, there are people who are selfish in this world. How that develops is the topic for another post. But generally, when we have more, when we feel internally abundant, we are more willing to share with others. We don’t teach a toddler to share by insisting he share before he feels a sense of ownership of an item. He has to be given the space to own it, to feel the fullness of having it, and from that place will naturally want to share with others.

    As parents and as members of society, we give from a place of overflow. We don’t serve anyone by continuing to give when we are depleted. A mother who doesn’t take time for herself will become burnt out and resentful. A community member who has hardly any resources for himself will be preoccupied with meeting his own needs, and not only unable to help others, but the communal resources available will be directed to him.

    To suggest someone do without because it’s not fair that others don’t have as much as him, isn’t helping others. We benefit as a society when as many people as possible become abundant (externally and internally), and use their personal resources wisely. To expect others to replenish us when we have the possibility of helping ourselves is choosing to be dependent. You help no one by teetering on the edge of barely taking care of your personal needs.

    (Sometimes we can’t be independent; self-reliance in all areas is an impossibility. When we need it, it’s important to be willing to ask for the help we need and graciously accept it when offered. That’s where interdependence comes in.)

    Back to the importance of being in a place of overflow. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket and due to a policy issue, an older couple’s check wasn’t accepted. I was at the customer service desk when this was happened, and because I had enough money in my account, was able to offer to pay for their groceries. Without the personal reserve, I could have given them a warm and sympathetic smile but the generosity in my heart wouldn’t have physical expression.

    My fourteen year old son just asked me about joining a first aid course. I asked why, and he said he’s not interested in working on an ambulance, but he does want to have the ability to help others if someone gets hurt when he’s there. I didn’t tell him, no, that would be selfish for you to learn something that everyone else doesn’t know. I am delighted for him to have knowledge that can be shared with others at a time of need.

    I want to be generous, and so do many others. I’ve read of so many people who are planting much bigger gardens than they need – so they can share; of stocking up on food – so they can share; people making plans to look out for more vulnerable neighbors who won’t have enough – because they care. Not because they are trying to grab all the available resources for themselves before anyone else does.

    There are different ways to give, and different ways to be generous. Not just with your physical resources, but with your skills and knowledge. I have awareness of some things that are happening that many others don’t. I wrote my post from a place in my heart of giving, wanting to share what I know with the intention to help as many others as I can. For me, it would be selfish to stay silent when I can say something that could help others.

    If people take steps to buffer themselves bit by bit, they will be much less anxious and afraid when encountering escalating food prices or empty shelves. Everyone who is independent is then in a position to be interdependent with others, and strengthens society.

    >>If Hashem has social and economic upheaval in store for us,  I accept HIs plan and remind myself it is good. He has put us through tough times before and we have stood strong through our faith and through helping others and remembering always that He is One and we, His Children, are one.<<

    I completely agree. And I also believe that we if we see a storm coming, we can go to the hardware store and buy sheets of plywood to cover our glass windows so they don’t break when the hurricane hits. We don’t stand outside unprotected saying, G-d will help me. We take whatever action we can, knowing that in the end, it is G-d who will protect us.

    So this comes down to a personal question of where is the line for hishtadlus/personal effort, and faith. That line is different for every person, and the higher your level of faith is, the less preparation you need to do. A person needs to be very honest about what their spiritual level is; many people give lip service to faith when they just don’t want to be bothered to take any steps to help themselves.

    Looking ahead and taking steps to mitigate a problematic issue isn’t having a lack of faith. Eizehu chacham? Haroeh es hanolad. (Who is the wise man? He who anticipates what is to come.)

    I’ll go so far as to suggest that the person who chooses to take no action to shield his family from challenges, saying instead ‘It will work out,’ and leaves it to the efforts of others to make sure his needs are met, is the one who is being selfish. Community leaders work selflessly to find solutions for those struggling in their communities. I’ve occasionally behind the scenes seen the weight of the burdens these people are carrying. With so many people who have no way to create any buffer needing assistance, why voluntarily add to the communal burden?

    >>When you read stories of those hard times and their luminous heroes, they are always the people who gave selflessly to others, not the ones who saved their own necks.<<

    Survival and selflessness aren’t mutually exclusive. I just finished a biography of a Jewish family who believed the warnings that most others found impossible to believe in 1940s Hungary. They took action by obtaining false identity papers that enabled them to hide as Aryans, and survived when many others didn’t. When the war ended, they immediately became known as people that others turned to for assistance.

    Our heroes show us much to admire and strive for. But who said everyone has to be a hero? We don’t have to be heroes, and we don’t have to feel guilty or inadequate that our goals aren’t those of heroic individuals.

    >>If tough times are ahead, let’s “prep” by strengthening our emunah and our middos of chessed and ahavas yisroel. Rather than stockpiling more than ever, let’s GIVE away more than ever, showing Hashem that we know that only He can protect us. <<

    There’s so much more to say on this topic; it’s something I’ve thought about quite a lot. I’m the first to admit that I have a long way to go in my spiritual evolution. But I think we can agree that strengthening one’s faith and connection to G-d is the most important action anyone can take, at any time.

    Avivah

  • Back to quarantine…thinking about homeschooling again

    I got a call earlier this week that one of our school children had to go into quarantine. I was hoping that my five year old could have his birthday party in kindergarten with his nine year old brother in attendance before either of them were quarantined and we almost made it, but the night before the party we got a call that ds9 had been exposed to someone with a positive test result. (For those who are new, our youngest two sons have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome and attend a special needs school; our older son began there in the spring, the younger one began in September.) Ds5 had a great party but his brother wasn’t there.

    The day after the party I preemptively pulled my five year old out. I took him out not because I’m worried about him getting sick, but because I don’t want to wait for him to be put into quarantine. It’s important for children to have a regular and predictable schedule, and I didn’t want my kids to have the stresses of the staff and scheduling changes that they would have in school while this upheaval is going on, and then to have the restrictions of being in quarantine at home.

    That was Monday. On Wednesday, I received a call from the kindergarten teacher that validated the decision to take him out preemptively. In his class, students were exposed to a teacher who tested positive in the afternoon session. (Since my son is the only one who doesn’t attend afternoon sessions I’m wondering who isn’t in quarantine at this point.)

    Due to so many staff members at the school getting positive test results (though they all had to get the poke or have regular testing to continue working there), they are combining classes, cutting the school day to half days and there will be no Friday classes. I’m glad they’re finding a way to make it work, and I’m even more glad that those decisions don’t affect us.

    *********************

    So this situation is providing me with an opportunity.

    In recent months I’ve been thinking a lot about homeschooling ds9. When I made the decision to put him in school last year, I felt inadequate in what I was providing for him when he was home, and was sure that the experienced staff could do more for him than me. Though I’m very appreciative of the wonderful staff and all that they do, it’s now clear that I underestimated and undervalued all that I was doing.

    What are some of the ways that I think homeschooling would benefit ds9? It’s pretty much the same as for all of our kids, though the stakes are bigger in his case. It would remove the pressures and limitations of the school environment (eg waking up early before his body is ready, the physical exhaustion from 2.5 hours daily of traveling to and from school, the lower expectations academically and behaviorally) while qualitatively offering him better learning opportunities. Being home would benefit his overall health, with more activity outdoors, better quality foods, and lots more love and emotional support.

    When he’s relaxed and rested, he’s naturally a much more enjoyable child to spend time with. (Like every single person on the planet!) On the days he stays home from school his behavior and the quality of our interactions is so much improved. There’s no question in my mind that the person he will grow up to be will be dramatically impacted for the good if we make the decision to homeschool him.

    That’s where the bigger stakes come in. Kids in special ed don’t get the same experiences interfacing and participating in the typical world as a child in an inclusive framework (be that homeschooling or inclusive education frameworks). I’m concerned that the older he gets, the more limiting the lack of this interaction will be for him. This isn’t a new concern for me; I’ve shared about it before and it’s something I thought deeply about before putting him into the school framework he’s in.

    To be good at something, you need to have experience; the more experience you get, generally the more comfortable you feel and the more skilled you become. How can a child learn to interact effectively and appropriately in a world that he has minimal experience with, when there are different behavioral expectations than what he’s used to?

    If that all makes sense, homeschooling doesn’t seem like a hard decision. What is there to think about?

    My hesitations are regarding my physical ability to homeschool him. Two and a half years after being rear ended and my car being totaled in an accident, my energy remains very impacted and I still need to rest a lot during the day. So my question has been, even if it would be best for him, do I really have the physical and emotional ability to have a younger child who needs a lot of guidance at home? Even with twenty years of homeschooling behind me, this remains a real concern for me.

    **********************

    Have you ever made bread every week for an extended period? It was part of your regular schedule so you just did it. But if you stopped for a while, then getting back into doing it again felt hard, right?

    That’s kind of how I’m feeling about homeschooling ds9. Though I was managing okay when he was at home, there were a couple of challenges together with my energy level, that led me to seek out school as the better option. Now that he’s in school, I see that the support for those challenges isn’t what I expected and isn’t resulting in a better outcome than what I had, but getting back into homeschooling is a mental hurdle.

    ************************

    I’ve decided to use this quarantine period as an opportunity for me to enjoy being in a homeschooling framework with our nine year old, without any pressure to make an official decision.

    Now, if there was the possibility of homeschooling ds5 along with ds9, homeschooling would be an easy choice. They are close friends and play beautifully together, and with the two of them together, they can constructively occupy themselves so that I don’t need to be the source of entertainment all day long. If you’re wondering what the issue with that is: Two and a half years ago we put in our request to adopt him, but were denied by the bio parents. We waited a couple of years and are now putting in our request again. But for now, technically (not in our hearts) ds5 is a foster child and needs to be in school.

    So far we’ve been really enjoying our time at home together. We’ve been starting our days with an outing when my energy levels are higher, and that’s been great.

    If you’re wondering how could he be wearing shorts and a tshirt in the middle of January – yes, it’s really that warm!
    Ds9, a doting uncle with his 15 month nephew

    Later, when I need to take an extended nap midday, I let them watch educational videos without even a drop of guilt, something that I berated myself for doing last year. I’m much kinder to myself now than I was last year, and it’s amazing how much easier and more enjoyable everything feels without self-judgment!

    Avivah

  • Teachers – how to help kids adapt to a new culture

    A couple of weeks ago, a teacher from a different city that I used to live in called. She was asked to address a group of younger teachers about how to teach students who made aliya, and wanted my thoughts on that.

    Oh, boy, did I have thoughts to share!

    The first thing I told her was to have her audience imagine being new in a group that didn’t speak their language, not understanding anything going on. How would that feel for them, mature adults with a stable sense of themselves?

    Then I talked about it being an act of courage for these kids to come to school every day, and appreciating the challenge they face. They don’t need someone to tell them to try harder (not even ‘encouragement’ – “I know you can do it if you just try harder!”) and they certainly don’t need criticism for not doing better than they are. They need to feel safe and accepted, and be allowed to have their personal timeline of adjusting.

    I gave her specific examples of things my children were told or experienced because teachers/tutors didn’t understand their perspective. Among others: 1) a teacher complaining to me about my son leaving his seat to copy from the board and telling me that was disruptive – I explained that as someone new to reading Hebrew, he couldn’t read what it said from his seat in the back and moved to where he could see enough to do what was asked of him. 2) A tutor telling me my daughter was lazy and uncooperative when the school’s Hebrew speaking tutor was teaching her advanced vocabulary words before my daughter even had basic Hebrew words – she couldn’t participate because she had no clue what she was being told. Do you think the negative emotions they had towards the student due to their mistaken perspective came through to the child?

    I told her that the main focus shouldn’t be on getting a child to learn something, but rather setting the stage for success in learning. That means showing him genuine warmth, kindness and appreciation so that he will feel safe. A person will struggle to learn when he feels unsafe. And pushing a person beyond his emotional safety level can backfire, as a child may close up into himself or act out as a result. (This is true and relevant of all children, not only those making aliyah.)

    The morning after I had this conversation, I went to the home of a new choir member. She had just joined and I saw she was uncomfortable not knowing what was going on, so I offered to teach her the songs up to the point we were at. This lovely woman shared that she moved to Israel when she was nine, and described to me the extreme difficulty she experienced, the struggle to read and speak Hebrew (she spoke French and Arabic), the social ostracization she experienced, perceiving herself as completely incompetent and unsuccessful in every way. As I listened to her, I could see how painful a memory it was for her, even now as a successful woman close to 50 years old.

    I told her about my conversation the night before, and she emphatically agreed with everything I had said about the importance of a child feeling emotionally safe and understood, of recognizing the challenge he/she is facing and appreciating the courage it takes to face each new day.

    Now, obviously not every child will respond the same way. But regardless of personality, a bit of understanding and appreciation of a child goes a long way.

    Avivah

  • Another new grandson, canning activities, making cheese

    On Wednesday evening, my daughter gave birth to a baby boy!

    I told my neighbor yesterday, and she looked confused. “I know…you went to Jerusalem for the bris.” No, that was two and a half weeks ago – this is a different daughter!

    Who knew when our two daughters got married twelve days apart, that they would later have baby girls 2.5 months apart, and then baby boys 2.5 weeks away?! It’s so special.

    Thank G-d, this is our fourth grandson in the last 12.5 months, making for, as my sister said, “A bumper crop of boys!”

    This was my daughter’s third birth, but first homebirth. It was so nice to see her an hour later in her own space, looking relaxed and happy. As she said, a homebirth is a completely different experience than a hospital birth.

    Now they’re here with us for a few days, and I’m tapping away at the keyboard with this tiny cutie pie on my lap.

    One hour old.
    ————————————–

    After dashing out to meet my new grandson, I came directly back home where several women had already arrived for the canning workshop that I was giving that evening. I offered a canning workshop for women in our community several weeks ago, and then did this second one for women who couldn’t make it to the first one.

    What I covered was waterbath canning, something that can be done very inexpensively with supplies that are probably already in your home or inexpensively purchased. Canning is a good strategy to make the most of great produce sales, to extend the seasonality of your fruits and vegetables so you can enjoy the when they are no longer in season.

    Waterbath canning is good for high acid foods only – that means fruits, fruit juices and pickled items. So while it’s limited, it’s still a great skill to acquire for your frugality and self-sufficiency toolbox.

    It took me some time to figure out how to can things here since the jars and lids are different from the US, where most of my canning experience was. I did a bit of canning when I first moved to Israel using recycled jars, then stopped until this summer. What changed things for me was finding where to buy jars very affordably, and how use them. It was a drive to get to the seller but worth it, since just a day after I bought them, someone in my community who does holiday food distribution called to tell me they had given out all the parcels and were left with some produce. Did I want any? Perfect timing!

    It’s been fun to get back into canning! There’s a limit to how much fresh fruit you’re going to get, even if it’s free, because there’s a limit to how much you want to eat, and there’s a limit to how long it will stay in your fridge before it goes off. In this case, I got a case each of apples and pears, and with the help of my new jars and large stock pot, preserved them so they are now shelf stable.

    ————————–

    When I went to Jerusalem for the bris a couple of weeks ago, my son-in-law asked me if I wanted zucchini. He knows the quantities of food we go through, and he also knows that I find ways to use whatever comes my way! (Frugality tip – when something is offered and it seems like something that will be helpful, accept it even if you aren’t yet sure what to do with it! You can pass it along to others if you don’t use it.)

    At his yeshiva, many families participate in a vegetable buying order; every week each family gets an identical box of assorted produce. They pick up their orders at a central location, and when someone doesn’t want an item that was in their box, they put it to the side. Anyone who comes to pickup his box can add to the extra produce put to the side or take it. On the Friday that we were there, there was a lot of zucchini, and my son-in-law brought me a case and a half!

    What to do with so much zucchini? I could have chopped them and frozen them, but am trying to get away from using my freezer so heavily. I don’t like to depend exclusively on something that is dependent on electricity. (I remember well being without power for a week in Baltimore when a storm came through, and trying to cook all the chicken in the freezer before it spoiled, as the daylight faded and I had just a candle for light.) I decided dehydrating the zucchini in the oven would be my best option, but all three batches failed – one spoiled (not hot enough), and two got overdone when the heat was too high. Our chickens enjoyed them, at least.

    Since it was clear dehydrating wasn’t working in this case, I thought about what to do with the remaining zucchini. I could can them, but as a low-acid food my only choice was pickling them, and that didn’t sound appealing.

    When I began canning in 2008, I made lots of the recipes in the canning books. They looked good and filled the jars, but they weren’t foods that we ate. I learned my lesson – now I won’t can something unless it’s something I know I’ll use.

    I started cruising for zucchini inspiration and came across a comment about mock pineapple that got my mental wheels turning – I started thinking about zucchini as a potential palette to absorb other flavors. With some more looking, I found recipes for apple pie and lemon pie filling made from zucchini, as well as pineapple zucchini. It sounds strange, I know. I think of it like tofu. It doesn’t taste like much on it’s own but it can turn into whatever you want.

    I made the mock pineapple, and when one of the jars didn’t seal when processing, we put it in the fridge and had some the next day. My boys told me it actually tasted like pineapple and was really good!

    ———————————

    The mock pineapple was especially yummy with homemade yogurt, made by ds14. We got a call a couple of nights ago (from my other son-in-law) that a large synagogue was giving away tons of milk that was due to expire a day later. We got a bunch and while I was out at choir practice, ds14 was busy making loads of yogurt. Literally – he made an 18 liter bucket full! (You can see it behind him in the picture below.)

    Making cheese

    Then over the next couple of days, he and ds12 experimented with making soft cheeses, adding flavorings, straining them, weighting them down. They are using only lemon juice and vinegar for a curdling element, no rennet. My favorite so far was made by ds12, with milk, salt, eggs and yogurt. It takes a lot of milk to make cheese, and it’s fun to experiment when all the milk is free! My boys appreciated the opportunity since they’ve been wanting to experiment with cheese making for quite a while. (A while back ds14 did some cheesemaking, but that ended when the budget I allotted was spent.)

    This was my favorite so far, by ds12 – it sliced up really nicely in firm slices. He weighted it down quite a lot to squeeze the liquids out.

    The shalom zachor will be at our home tonight, and today will be a busy day getting ready for that as well as Shabbos. Dd21 and ds15 came home last night so they can be here for the shalom zachor (they were initially planning to only next week for the Thursday bris and then stay for Shabbos), and since my birthday is tomorrow I appreciate them being here even more!

    Avivah