Category Archives: parenting

Our son is engaged!

parenting

We are so happy and grateful to share that our son (ds22) is engaged!

We are once again humbled and delighted to see how Hashem has sent the perfect match for our child!

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Isn’t this a nice thing to share about on my 29th wedding anniversary?

When my son began shidduchim, I was reminded of how the shidduch process forces you to clarify your values. My role as the parent is to facilitate my child meeting the person who is right for him, and in order to do this, I spent a lot of time speaking with him (and previously each of my children in turn), clarifying what he was looking for, what qualities were important to him and what life direction he wanted to move in.

What kind of qualities did he appreciate in his friends, and why? Who does he feel comfortable with and why? What qualities does he think are important and why? This wasn’t one long conversation, but an ongoing conversation over a period of several months.

Going out with people who weren’t a match was an important part of the clarification process, as it helped him to hone in on what he was – and wasn’t – looking for. I reminded him several times during that time of the value of contrast (the difference between what you have and what you want) – it’s contrast that helps you define more clearly what you want, and helps you to move toward what you desire.

The description of the person he wanted to marry changed substantially right before meeting his fiancee. When I first heard about her almost three months ago, I thought her combination of qualities sounded right for him, but he hadn’t yet clarified that certain qualities that I thought were very important (that she had) were of primary importance to him.

He wasn’t the only one who had to get clarity before they could meet – I did, too, on a point that was a significant question for me. I’m sure her family went through the same process. I think that’s how it always is – for the parents and child, constantly getting increasing clarity of what you’re looking for and what you want to give priority to.

Every shidduch happens at the time that it’s meant to happen. I don’t believe there are delays, but rather, heavenly directed timing, when everyone is aligned and on the same page.

And here we are, blessed to be welcoming another wonderful, amazing person into our family!

Avivah

Intrinsic motivation and my thirteen year old son, the shochet!

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Quite some time ago, ds13 decided he wanted to learn shechita, and made arrangements independently to study the related halachos (Biblical guidelines and laws) with a local shochet (ritual slaughterer). Once learned, they have to be reviewed thoroughly every thirty days.

Over the past months, he has assisted in processing a number of animals – chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, and even cows. But he had yet to perform the shechita himself.

A month ago, he came home and told me someone was selling a turkey for just 150 shekels, and asked if I was interested in buying it? No, I absolutely did not want a turkey walking around our yard and told him so. “No, not to raise – for me to shecht!” The shochet he learned with him determined that he was ready to do the shechita (kosher slaughtering) himself.

The process went very smoothly – the shochet told me it’s rare for a first shechita to go so well, and that it’s been a pleasure to learn with ds13, due to his diligence and how seriously he’s taken his studies.

It was very gratifying for all of us to see the tangible results of his months of study! Ds13 plucked it, cleaned it and kashered it himself, and we saved it to enjoy together with dd24 and her husband when they were here for the weekend.

A couple of days ago someone came by and said there were a couple of ducks he was having shechted, and my thirteen year old could watch if he wanted.

I went over just as they finished up, and found out that my son hadn’t watched but actually performed the shechita on both of them! (Under the supervision of the shochet that he studied with, obviously.) He learned firsthand why ducks are considered one of the more difficult animals to shecht. One of the two was kosher, one wasn’t, and the person who the ducks belonged to insisted ds13 take half of the meat.

It was a mallard duck and small to begin with, so half of it wasn’t a huge meal, but nonetheless, this week we had roast duck on the menu. 🙂

My husband and I have great satisfaction in observing the emergent developmental process – in this case, watching ds13 develop and pursue an interest. No degree of external manipulation or incentivization can get the results that come from intrinsic motivation. (Our foster care social worker, who visits monthly, is very appreciative of ds13 and his activities, though she said she finds it discouraging to see the contrast with her own son, who is lacking any visible signs of emergence. I’ve spoken to her about supporting the natural developmental process, too!)

Some people have said it’s good he has a skill that could potentially be a career – that’s true and it’s always good to have options, but I wouldn’t want him to do this for a living. I value it greatly as a life skill, however.

For me, the biggest value is a person learning to listen to his own inner guidance and move towards that. This is way of thinking that could dramatically enhance the life satisfaction of every one of us, but far too many of us adults, under the guise of being responsible, have lost the ability to recognize and respond to the inner promptings of their souls. And what are we here for, if not to live lives of meaning and satisfaction?

Avivah

Creating personal space for young children – our DIY clubhouse

frugal strategies, parenting

A few months ago my next door neighbors built a clubhouse, and it was hardly completed before ds8 began regularly disappearing into their yard. Usually when he would go to their house, it would be to play with their children, but when I would search for him, each time I would find him sitting or laying inside their clubhouse, happy to be in this private space on his own or with ds4.

It was clear to me that he really wanted some space of his own. Don’t we all sometimes want that freedom of just being, without oversight or needing to be accountable for our time?

I had been thinking for a while of building a clubhouse for ds8 and ds4, but seeing this galvanized me to take action.

A business in the industrial zone of a neighboring city advertised that they were giving away large wood crates. They listed their address and asked not to be called, to just come. So one night when my husband was on his way home from Jerusalem with ds22, I asked them to stop before coming home and see if any of the crates were still left. There were three left, so they chose the one that looked best. Using the rachet straps stored in the car, together the two of them got in on top of the car and fastened down – it was an unwieldy load!

The packing crate, before – you can see the outdoor couch next to it for size reference.

Several times I had asked a couple of our teens to build some kind of clubhouse using some of the scrap wood left from their projects, but they weren’t very interested. I didn’t see any reason to insist on it, and it didn’t happen. But once I had this basic crate to work with, it was much easier to get them involved.

I asked ds13 to cut a door and window into it. The wood isn’t strong at all – it’s a basic cheap packing box that isn’t intended to hold up to long term use – so he reinforced both the door and window. After that, he put a waterproof roof on it, using material from a cage we were given but hadn’t ended up using.

Dd15 painted it blue, using leftover paint, and then ds12 painted the trim white – his idea, not mine. It made it look much nicer. Then one of the boys cut some artificial grass to fit on the floor, and voila, a clubhouse!

Ds8 and ds4 were delighted when they came outside and saw this mini house, all for them to play in. They’ve spent hours playing inside together; our granddaughters and visiting young children have also enjoyed it. And once we built this, they never went into the neighbor’s playhouse again.

(As an aside, this is not an uncommon dynamic when a child seems to be misbehaving – in this case leaving our home without permission and going into someone else’s yard without permission. If we can identify the need they are expressing and address that need, then the behavior will often fall away completely, since there’s no longer a need for the behavior.)

When I told a friend about this project, she sent me a paragraph from a Betsy-Tacy book, when the author of the fictional series writes about the young girls finding a piano box and making it into a play space. There’s something about having a space of one’s own that is significant for people of all ages. It might be going too far to call it a primal need, but it’s not too much to say that it’s deeply appreciated.

Ds12 has been asking for a space of his own for a while, and we haven’t yet figured out how to make that happen – he shares a room with ds4 and ds8. There’s a staircase on one side of our kitchen that leads to the second floor, and back in the fall when we were putting in the new kitchen, he asked me if he could put a narrow mattress in that space under the stairs and it would be his room. Yes, ala Harry Potter, but in this case he felt it would be very desirable. He wasn’t happy when I told him I planned to use that space for kitchen storage.

t’s a simple playhouse and due to the quality of the wood, I don’t know how it will hold up once the rainy season comes. But we literally spent no money and not more than a couple of hours putting this together, using recycled materials we had at home. As long as it lasts, I appreciate the enjoyment they’ve been having in this space of their own.

Avivah

How a spontaneous offer can build the emotional bank account

parenting

Yesterday morning I took ds15 for a quick shopping trip in Tiberias for some much needed pants – in his first time using a dryer himself at school, he shrunk all of his – before zipping him off to the bus station.

On the way home, I drove past the Kineret (Sea of Galilee), which is the typical route for when I’m doing errands in Tiberias, and thought what a beautiful day it would be for a trip there.

When I got home, I spontaneously asked ds13 and ds12 if they wanted to go swimming in the Kineret. (Remember the ‘littles’ on my blog, the three youngest children of nine, who were born within three years of each other? Both ds15 and ds13 have passed me in height – I’m 5’9″ – and the youngest of them turned 12 last week!) They were delighted at the offer – it’s the first time I’ve taken them this season – and we had a wonderful time together, along with ds4.

Here’s a valuable thing to understand that I want to share: when you offer something unsolicited to your child (or anyone else), regardless of what it is, it’s appreciated much more than when you give them the same thing after they’ve asked you for it.

If the boys had asked me to take them to the Kineret and I had agreed, they would have been appreciative and we all would have had a nice time. But because I initiated the offer, it became a significantly bigger deposit in my relationship with them.

When someone does an unsolicited act of kindness for you, you feel your needs are understood and considered by them, that they care about you. Think about this yourself. If I ask my kids to clean up the kitchen or take out the garbage and they do it, I appreciate it. But when they do it with no request from me, it’s so, so much more appreciated! It shows me they thought of me, they noticed my needs or preferences, and wanted to be of service to me.

This is true of the smallest things. If you offer your child something to eat when he comes in, it’s more meaningful than if he asks you what there is to eat, and then you give it to him. If you tell a small child you’re watching him go down the slide, rather than him having to ask you to look at him and then you watch, it’s a much more satisfying interaction for him.

This is a helpful thing to understand, because we’re so often giving to those around us, but they aren’t perceiving our actions as deposits. You’re not doing anything more than you would have done otherwise; the shift is in the timing and that is what transforms a regular action into something perceived as an act of love or nurturing.

Avivah

Our close-up experience at Meron this year

parenting

Our plans for this past Shabbos were all worked out by Thursday morning. Six yeshiva friends of my twenty two year old son were going to attend Lag B’Omer festivities at Mt. Meron Thursday night, and would come to us early Friday morning and stay for Shabbos.

On Thursday evening, a private bus took a group of local young men to Meron, and on it were ds22, ds15 and ds13, who were anticipating an enjoyable ‘brothers trip together.

Since ds22 had been to Meron in the past, he knew what to expect. They agreed on a meeting place and time in case they were separated, and decided to daven maariv (evening services) and get a bite to eat before heading to the Toldos Aharon hadlaka (bonfire). It was this decision that saved them from being right in the middle of what turned into Israel’s biggest civilian catastrophe. A simple decision, a fifteen minute delay….

They davened, and while they ate something quick, an announcement was made that something had just happened. (It would be an hour before the extent of what had just happened would be made public.) They said some tehillim, and them continued with their plans, on to the Toldos Aharon bonfire.

They got there to the sights and sounds of dozens of ambulances and police cars, a helicopter overhead – and bodies being pulled out. It was exactly here that 45 people died and 150 others were injured. They saw numerous people on stretchers being rushed to the ambulances; on one stretcher the paramedic was performing cpr while other paramedics were running the stretcher to the ambulance. My sons later told me it was a scene out of a horror movie, with fear, confusion and screaming all around.

I later found out (from the parent of a young man who was there) that my twenty two year old took charge of the crowd, and led them in reciting tehillim. Every time a body was brought out, he called out blessings for a refuah sheleima, joined by others.

When the announcement was made that people had died, the atmosphere at Meron changed in an instant. All music and dancing ceased immediately, replaced by tehillim, crying, screaming. Everyone was ordered to leave – at least 100,000 people. But there was no plan, no clear evacuation directions. People were told to go in one direction and ran there, to be told they had to go in the other direction and then ran in that direction. No cars were allowed in, no buses were allowed in. There was almost no cell coverage, people couldn’t call for help, look up directions, or contact family members whom they were separated from.

My boys had come on a privately chartered bus that was waiting in the parking lot some distance away to take them back. Shuttles usually run people back and forth to the parking lots. When a shuttle came by, they asked the driver if he was going to that parking lot. Yes, yes, he assured them, and told everyone else who got on he would take them to where they needed to go.

But he didn’t. He drove in an entirely different direction and insisted they all get off at a highway intersection six kilometers from the parking lot. My sons couldn’t get back to the bus in time, and couldn’t call to ask their driver to wait due to the lack of phone coverage. And so they waited on the side of the highway for hours. While they waited, the fifty+ people stranded flagged down private cars (no one was going in our direction so our boys couldn’t get a ride), but the empty buses that went by were waved on by the police.

At 5 am I woke up to a a call asking if I could pick them up (they didn’t want to wake me up so waited until they thought I’d be getting up), that Meron had been evacuated due to an emergency situation. I had no idea yet about what had happened, but I got in the car as fast I could and at 7 am was there.

We knew that ds22 had friends somewhere there and I wanted to take them as well, but they were in a different area and again, there was no cell reception to reach them. We found out a few friends were on a bus to a different city, and we drove to that city to pick them up.

One of the boys that I picked up had been present in the crush, and wanted to spend Shabbos at home (after coming to our home to sleep for a few hours). Two others were on a bus that was turned back right after the event, and never got into Meron. We ended up with two friends for Shabbos instead of six, one of whom was thirty feet away and saw everything unfold outside the structure where the people had been trapped.

When I checked the news Sunday morning, it was like reading about a completely different event than the eyewitness reports I heard.

What those attending all said – that I didn’t see discussed at all in the English news – was that the sole exit from the Toldos Aharon hadlaka was blocked by a gate put up by the police. At the same time that more and more people were allowed in at the entrance, no one could get out, leading to a deadly crush and numerous people dying of suffocation.

**Edited to add: I obviously wasn’t there, I’m not claiming this the only truth about what happened. But it was interesting that this was completely missing from the news, when this is what everyone we talked to who was there firsthand talked about. Maybe those people were confused, maybe they all made the same error about what happened – though we spoke to people directly after the event, when they had no access to phones, news, social media or to one another. I heard from only a few directly but from my son’s yeshiva alone, there are approximately 100 boys who were closer up and more directly involved, several of whom where in the very front of the crush where the bodies piled up. One managed to pull himself over the barrier and then pulled people/bodies out for the next half hour from a small exit that couldn’t be directly accessed by those inside (he was then hospitalized for shock and emotional trauma). He saved the lives of three people. Another was at the very front and saw the person next to him suffocating, and pulled him up so he could get air – and the person died in his hands five minutes later. These people saw the blocked exit right in front of them, they saw the bodies piling up all around them. This isn’t hard information to verify; many, many people were there and all say they were trapped.

Someone my boys met on Shabbos told them that someone near him fainted and the barrier was put into place in order to evacuate him, and as they put the barrier into place, this man asked to be let out and they put the barrier back right behind him – he was the last one out. Many people from the outside, including the police, tried to remove this gate when they saw people were trapped but it was a riot gate and it’s activated by pressure (if I understood correctly). They did succeed in pulling down some aluminum siding that allowed some people to file out. Please be clear that I have absolutely no desire to point fingers at anyone, and I’m not playing reporter. I’m noting the huge discrepancy between what I heard about and what I read about. If this is even partially true – and I put my trust much more in people who were there sharing their first hand experiences – it’s obvious why it’s not being written about, since the outage and anger about this catastrophic human error would be overwhelming. **

I was deeply disturbed that regardless of what really did or didn’t happen – at a time that one’s natural instincts call out for unity and compassion – the media instead chose to create a narrative that would place the blame on the victims themselves, on the charedi community, sowing dissension and hatred.

Many people were there and unharmed – but not unaffected. My ds22 saw some younger guys from his yeshiva crying when he got there, and went over to talk to them. One told him, sobbing,’I just saw ten people die in front of my eyes.’ There were so many aspects of this that have created a psychological toll that will need to be addressed.

For our family, it helped that my boys were all there together, and for the younger ones, that they had an older brother who they trusted to take care of them in the midst of complete chaos. I think this is a huge part of why they’re processing everything as well as they are.

My fifteen year old is very angry – angry that this happened, angry that the police he encountered afterward seemed to have no concern for those there and didn’t do anything to assist them, when they had the power to do so. This didn’t come out of nowhere – he shared with me things he saw and heard that were upsetting.

It was hard for me to hear the intensity of his feelings, but I’m relieved he was able to express some of his pent-up emotion. It would be unhealthy if he kept it in and didn’t talk about it at all, and anger is a normal response for what he saw. We’ll continue to discuss this as time goes on. There’s a time to talk about giving the benefit of the doubt and this is a constant topic in my home, but this wasn’t the time to talk about that.

Everyone processes in his own way. With my thirteen year old, I shared the list of those who died, each one a tragedy of its own, and discussed the role that G-d plays in a disaster like this.

With family members who weren’t there, we discussed the guilt of feeling relieved when we heard that our family members were safe, knowing that others didn’t share that experience.

I don’t know how to close this post – because in the face of so much anguish, anything I can say is trite and inadequate. Our hearts and prayers are with all of those who experienced loss of loved ones, who were injured, or who were traumatized by the events they experienced.

Avivah

The critical importance of opportunity for expansion

gardening, parenting

As you know, I enjoy gardening and I often notice how the natural principles of growth and development express in the garden just as in parenting.

Part of my evolving garden landscape – so many lessons in this small space!

Recently, I planted a number of flower bulbs, some in the ground, and others layered lasagna style in two pots. In each pot I planted the same bulbs in the same pattern. Once I finished, I placed the two pots three feet from one another, one on each side of our patio bench swing. It became quickly apparent that one was getting more sun than the other, as one grouping of bulbs was sprouting much more quickly. When I noticed this, I placed the lagging bulbs in the sun to help them catch up. I took this picture after it had been catching up in full sun over a week.

Every child is born with potential. Some get the sunlight and water they need in the ideal proportions, and their beautiful growth is visible. Others who may have the same potential don’t have their needs met in the same way, and as a result they appear more limited. However, the limitation wasn’t inherent in who they are, but in what resources were available to them.

Here’s another illustration. These two plants were identical when I purchased them. One was planted right away, the other was transferred to a pot while I decided where its long-term location would be. The one in the ground not only had more light, even more significantly it had room to spread its roots and grew dramatically bigger in a short time.

Right – bush planted in the ground with room to spread its roots; left – bush whose growth was limited by the pot size

Roots need to reach and seek new footholds to become stronger and more established. I’ve noticed that many parents and educators have a lot of fear about giving children room to grow. While hopefully everyone will agree that children need love and warmth, many will argue that it’s dangerous to allow children unsupervised time.

My twenty year old daughter is a dorm counselor in a seminary, and the girls were complaining that they came to Israel for the experience, and instead are spending much of their free time doing the mounds of homework they are assigned. She went to the dorm mother to ask about why the girls are given so much homework. Before she told me the answer, I interrupted and said, “Let me guess! Because if they aren’t kept busy they’ll get into trouble.”

Yep, that’s exactly what my daughter confirmed she was told.

For years I’ve said that kids need to learn to manage their time, and they can only do that by being allowed to have unstructured time. Sometimes that will be filled productively and sometimes the person will be bored. Boredom isn’t dangerous. Boredom is a learning opportunity.

What’s dangerous is not allowing people room for personal expansion. If the potted plant above was left in a pot long term, it would never look much bigger or better than it does right now – let alone become the very big and lush bush it’s genetically intended to be.

Learning to manage one’s own time is a skill that develops over time. You can’t expect anyone to suddenly have lots of time on their hands and to make good use of it, if he hasn’t had opportunities to take responsibility for his time prior to that.

When I plant something in my garden, I don’t know how big it’s going to get or how well it’s going to grow. Sometimes it gets too big for the space I allotted it, and I move it to where it will have more space. Some may later need to be carefully pruned.

But I can’t plant something in the garden and not give it room to put down its roots. That will compromise the inherent potential of the plant. The roots are what provide support for the visible strength and growth of the plant, and strong roots are what support our children for their entire lives.

Avivah

How I created and resolved my biggest issue

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

For months I’ve felt increasingly pressured about having my eight year old home. In November I finally shared some of that here, and a month later I posted about finding a school for him.

I turned to the local municipality to arrange transportation for him, and feeling the intense need for him to be at school, was initially very frustrated at their laissez faire approach to getting this done. It’s been over two months and no progress has been made, so he is still home.

Now here is the very interesting thing. About two weeks after we found a school for him, I suddenly noticed that it didn’t feel hard to have him at home anymore. Not only that, but I’ve been really enjoying him!

This initially mystified me. I had been working on my mindset with regards to this issue; I wrote lists of things I appreciated about him, I did meditation and visualizations to keep my focus on all the wonderful things about him – and suddenly, with no conscious effort, I appreciate him being at home!

So what changed?? I did a lot of thinking about this, to figure out how and why this shift happened, and I think my experience will be helpful for others.

When I posted in November, I shared about one issue that was challenging for me. But there were others that I told myself I needed to deal with, but felt overwhelmed and alone to deal with them all.

Here’s an incomplete list of some of the things I told myself I should be doing:

  • Digestive issues – These began when we moved here and began letting him have gluten on Shabbos. Even after we removed the gluten again, the issues remained. What to do? a) Figure out how to heal his digestive system while dealing with ongoing digestive issues. b) Do daily or at least weekly laser therapy sessions. What do you mean, you don’t have energy to do this? Okay, it’s true there’s a lot of laundry and cleanup that the issues entail throughout the day, but what kind of mother can’t get herself to do something this important for her child? You need to solve the problem at the root.
  • Speech – Yirmi’s speech content is really good, his articulation is not so good. What do do? a) put him on Gemiini daily for online speech therapy (which means customizing videos to match what he needs); b) set up speech therapy in our new location, entailing lots of paperwork and logistics, then weekly travel to a city nearby. Oh, that feels overwhelming? You feel maxxed out and can’t do it? So now your child has to suffer because you feel tired. You know that the window for doing this is closing and he’s going to suffer for the rest of his life because you didn’t invest in helping him speak clearly when he was young.
  • Reading – He loves to be read to but I haven’t taught him to read in either language. Yes, he knows the alphabet in Hebrew and English but he could be reading in both languages if he had a mother who was more competent.
  • Hearing aids – after many months of a process that was protracted and expensive, we got hearing aids for him. But he pulls them out as soon as I turn my back. Since we have an issue of him leaving the home without telling us, I knew within an hour they would be lost somewhere outside, never to be found again. Solution: sit down with him daily first thing in the morning, keeping him entertained so he wouldn’t pull them out. Why is it so hard to spend two hours nonstop keeping him distracted? Just do it first thing in the day. Make it a priority. Then he’ll get used to them and you can increase the time gradually. You know how important hearing is to speech; of course he isn’t speaking clearly if he can’t hear clearly.
  • Thyroid issues – He gained a lot of weight after we moved here. Figure out why, get his thyroid tested again. Find an alternative doctor who understands the thyroid. Change his diet.
  • And of course, the eloping issue. Watch him every single minute of the day because he needs to be safe.

So now you’ve gotten a peek into my mind, some of the thoughts that were running through my head within a few minutes of waking up and continued throughout the day. Sometimes I just didn’t want to get up and face the day. It felt so hard and heavy, and no matter how much I would do, I had a constant knowing that there was so much that was important for him that needed to be done and I wasn’t doing it.

I would tell myself that I was doing what I could and it had to be enough, I would try to reduce the urgency. But thinking about all of this (and more) was always very close.

I thought it was dealing with the daily issues that was the pressure, that was hard (and it would have looked like it from the outside, too). But I was wrong.

It was my thoughts about how inadequate I was that was draining me and made everything feel overwhelming.

Why did those thoughts suddenly stop being an issue? Firstly, the feedback from the school staff. All I saw was what I wasn’t doing. But they didn’t see all that. They don’t expect parents to do the things that I expect of myself, and they were very understanding about why he isn’t wearing hearing aids, for example. No shaming at all. It was obvious to them that it was a very challenging issue, without me having to explain with more than two sentences.

Not only weren’t they shaming me, they were impressed with Yirmi’s focus, thinking skills, desire to learn, and intelligence. They told me more than once how it was obvious I had invested so much in both boys (since ds4 was there for the interview, too).

A friend who has an older child with T21 told me, ‘No one does what you do for your kids, no one I know expects of their child what you expect of yours.’ I’ve always shrugged off comments like this, because I’m sure people think that I do more than I do. It was really helpful to look at myself through someone else’s eyes and say, maybe they’re right. That replaced the voice saying ‘everyone can see you’re failing’. Not doing enough wasn’t wasn’t reality (though there remain many things that it would be nice if I did); it was my own made up story.

The second thing that changed was I stopped feeling pressured to take care of these issues, knowing that very soon I’d have people to work together with on them, or even a staff that would completely address them (eg speech therapy, supervision wearing the hearing aids). The weight of having to be everything, to know everything, to do everything was so, so heavy. It was a weight that I couldn’t lift and didn’t want to lift. But when I didn’t do it all, there was all that intense guilt and inadequacy.

Three – I dramatically cut my Facebook time around the end of November, and then deleted my account in the middle of January. And now I’m not seeing messages in my T21 groups from all those amazing mothers who are doing the things I’m not doing.

Without the negative messages replaying on a loop constantly, it’s not hard having Yirmi home anymore. In fact, I’m deeply enjoying him, knowing he is completely okay just as he is right now, that I don’t have to do any more than I am, and he doesn’t have to do any more than he is. And that feels amazing. (And I’m sure it feels good to him, too.)

It’s fortunate that I feel no urgency about sending him to school, since the pace the municipality is working – or not working – I don’t know when transportation to his school will be provided. Instead of feeling like I just can’t cope another day, I must have some help…it’s dramatically shifted for me and is all really okay.

It’s in the mind that most of our problems are created and solved.

Avivah

Being productive during the lockdown – replacing interior doors

homemaking, homeschooling, parenting

So here we are, in the middle of yet another lockdown in Israel but this time no end date has been established.

As soon as the lockdown was announced, I told my husband I really wanted to make some progress on my project list while we’re all home for this extended period (right now ‘we’ means ds14, ds13, ds11, ds8, ds4). The top two items on my list are to replace several damaged interior doors, and to replace the upstairs kitchen. (Our house was a two family home that we converted to one; hence, two kitchens.) Our intention is to convert the second floor apartment into a vacation rental since we don’t use that space other than when the older kids are home (usually a couple of days a month).

This was the worst of the damaged doors – it didn’t look like this when we bought the house, but it did by the time we got the keys. 🙁

I considered paying someone to put in new doors, but at 900 shekels for a basic door and wanting to replace ten doors, it was getting expensive quickly! And I’ve found that paying a lot of money to people who are supposedly experts doesn’t necessarily result in getting the quality work that I want. (I’ve had some extremely expensive and frustrating experiences with workmen since moving here.) Avoiding more workmen was pretty motivating for me, just as much as the financial savings.

Rather than replace all the doors, I decided to just replace the three that are damaged, and then to paint all the interior doors on the second floor white (since the new doors were a different wood shade from the old ones, and anyway I preferred for the doors to be white). The total for the paint, some assorted supplies and the doors was under 600 shekels.

Replacing doors isn’t something we’ve ever done before, but all of the renovations we’ve done have at some point been something that we’ve never done before. Most new projects intimidate me when I first think of them. I start off thinking of hiring someone, then I go online and watch how to videos. When I get a sense of what the work involved entails, I share my conviction that this is something we can do with my family. My announcements about my latest DIY ideas aren’t always (um, ever, to be honest) greeted with shrieks of delight, but I appreciate the willingness they’ve shown to work together in spite of their preference to spend their time doing something else.

Replacing doors here isn’t so simple since unlike in the US, there isn’t one standardized interior door size. Therefore it took me a while to find the matching size doors that were hinged in the direction I wanted, that were the quality that I wanted at a price that was reasonable. But I found them! As of last night all of doors have been hung and we’re really pleased with them. Now we need to finish installing the molding around the door frames, then put on another coat of paint. No one likes painting so I agreed that would be my job. 🙂 I hope to finish the doors by the end of this week.

If you’re wondering when I can do that kind of work, it’s a good question and one that I wasn’t finding an answer to for a long time. Sometimes I’ve felt frustrated about the things I want to do but don’t, because long involved projects with messy components/power tools don’t mesh well with children who need more than minimal supervision.

Last week, I decided to paint while my husband put the younger boys to bed. Though that meant starting after 8:30 pm and usually I’m really wiped out by then, I had an afternoon nap, and it was so gratifying to be able to do something concrete and make progress on something I wanted to get done, rather than delegate and do the oversight. (I’m actually a pretty good contractor.) I had a couple of quiet hours to work by myself and it was really relaxing.

I think with a couple more nights of work this week , I should be able to have them all finished up soon!

Avivah

Resolving my inner conflict about special ed and inclusion

parenting, Trisomy 21

In recent months, it seems my only opportunity to write is when I’m up in the middle of the night which thankfully doesn’t happen often, so I’m taking advantage of a pounding headache to catch up here with you!

After I shared about some difficulties in having my eight year old out of his school framework for the last nine months, someone asked me if I considered sending him to school. The answer is yes, I have considered it. I don’t see homeschooling as ideal for him at this point, because so much of my energies are used in management rather than actually doing the things I’d like to be doing with the boys.

However, I’ve felt stuck when considering the school options available locally, and also stuck because my two youngest boys with T21 are doing so well at home. Ironic that them doing so well is part of the challenge that makes it hard to send them to school, isn’t it? If they weren’t doing well, anything would be better, but I’d like to build on their success.

I’m going to try to consolidate years of thinking about this topic into one post and will undoubtably end up sounding simplistic. I have SO much to say about every aspect of this but I’m going to just stick to the briefest of bullet points.

It’s important for a person with a disability to be included as much as possible in normative life – we all learn from interacting with others, how to interact with others. My expectations for my children with T21 are the same as for all my kids, and I want them to be in an environment that would best prepare them for life. To me, that has meant pursuing an inclusive school environment rather than special ed.

However…they have needs that are different that need to be understood and honored in order for inclusion to be meaningful. If there isn’t an understanding or desire for inclusion to happen, then it’s effectiveness will be limited. This is the huge challenge in the world of inclusion.

I don’t believe that competitive environments serve children well, generally speaking. What is most important is a safe and supportive learning environment, where a child’s natural pace and internal desire is honored and appreciated. As a result when faced with a choice of various school options, I’ve generally chosen the less demanding educational framework for all of my children. (That’s a surprise for many who have asked me why my kids are such strong motivated learners!) Motivation comes from the inside and can’t be externally demanded, and a person must feel inner ‘rest’ (to use a Neufeldian term) before he will naturally seek more challenge.

So what does this mean regarding inclusion? The child with a disability in an inclusionary school setting is being expected to participate in a normative setting socially and academically. Ideally, this can be very stimulating and healthy.

It can also be a tremendous pressure. Pressure for the child, to constantly feel different and inadequate, to be working his hardest to barely keep up. To feel like his best is hardly cutting it. And I continually ask myself, is this the environment that will be most supportive of him emotionally, that will allow him to feel he is enough as he is, that he doesn’t have to prove himself? Can his many strengths be appreciated, or even noticed in that environment? Will his successes and hard work be recognized, or will he constantly be expected to do more and work harder?

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Let’s look at something entirely different: people making aliyah.

I’ve just recently moved from the most popular destination for people making aliyah – RBSA. Why is it so popular? Because English speakers can feel comfortable with lots of others who speak their language and understand their cultural mentality. Why does that matter? After all, if you’re an capable adult, then learn the language, get familiar with a different culture and integrate. That’s the ideal, right?

Right. And also, not right. Because we seek the comfort of being known and understood by those who ‘get’ us. Most of us don’t want to live in a state of unremitting challenge.

Recently a neighbor invited me to a small gathering of women; four of us were English speakers and one was an Israeli who understood English. At one point, the Israeli expressed her frustration that even though she understood what we were saying, she wasn’t getting the nuances and understanding the jokes. It was a lot of work and tiring for her to try to follow all that was going on, and she felt out of place despite our welcoming her completely.

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Back to inclusion. I want my children – all of them – to have meaningful relationships with others. To have people who get them, who speak their language. I want them to be appreciated, as they are right now. Sometimes we stretch them with stimulating opportunities, but I don’t want them to live in a constantly stretched state.

So my belief in inclusion, the reality of inclusion (at least where I live), and my deep conviction as to how children best develop have been somewhat in conflict.

Yirmi really needs interaction with people outside of our family and neighborhood, and the local school options weren’t a good fit. Several weeks ago, I went to visit a special ed school that is an hour away. I had heard very good things about it, but you can imagine that after years of being pro-inclusion that it was quite a mental adjustment for me to consider this. And I really didn’t want to send him so far away (though for perspective, he spent forty minutes on his bus to the school that was just a fourteen minute drive from our home).

The school was wonderful. Surprisingly, it was a better fit for what I was looking for than anything I considered in the center of the country, where there are supposedly so many options. (A friend in the north told me it’s a state of the art school that is considered one of the best.)

The facilities are amazing; the staff members were so warm and genuine in their interactions with Yirmi. We had a tour of the facilities, and at each room we went into (computer room, ceramic studio, gym, commercial kitchen, vegetable garden, petting zoo), Yirmi was the first one introduced to each teacher and Yirmi was the first one every staff member addressed. Their respect for and understanding of how to speak to a child with T21 (no talking down or overly simplifying) came through with every interaction.

I love the special three wheeled bikes they provide so older kids can ride independently even before they transition to two wheelers; the area where they ride bikes has been built as a model of a street corner, with a traffic light, traffic circle, bus stop and crosswalks, so that children are practicing road safety every time they are biking. I also appreciate that they have a Snoezelen sensory room, animal therapy, music therapy and hydrotherapy (in addition to the typical therapy options).

Yirmi was so happy to be there. It was very emotional for me to see how filled up he was by doing the assessment, visiting the different areas and interacting with the staff. I know that it’s been really hard for him to be so socially limited since we moved and his excitement was palpable.

They couldn’t tell me if they had room for him before meeting him, since there are multiple classes and placement is based on ability. They were impressed with both Yirmi and Rafael (who came along with us, naturally), and the principal said a couple of times it’s obvious how much we’ve invested in them, that they both have ‘high abilities’ (I prefer this terminology to ‘high functioning’).

Yirmi was able to visit the class he would be in, and was introduced to the other six other boys between the ages of seven and eight; at a quick glance it looks like five have T21. They teach reading using the McGuinness method, which I think is wonderful, and I’m glad he’ll be continuing to progress academically.

When he was asked if he wanted to go to school there, he enthusiastically said he did, and Rafael emphatically pointed to himself and insisted, “Me, me!” He also wants to go! (The group for his age is full, though, and as soon as Yirmi is settled, I’m going to find something close to home for him – his registration from September for a local preschool fell through the bureaucratic cracks when his file was lost, and it’s unclear if they still have room for him in the preschool that I originally signed him up for.)

Students can attend until the age of 21, and I appreciated seeing the older students as I passed them in the corridors. They didn’t present as the limited special ed ‘outcome’ that I had been concerned about. It was the opposite, actually.

So what does this mean for us? We completed enrollment and Yirmi was set to begin three weeks ago, but the local municipality has yet to arrange transportation for him to get there. That could have been done very quickly (since there are students from our area who already travel there) but hopefully at some point next week it will be in place.

Going back to school has been long overdue, and Yirmi is going to love it! I’m so relieved and grateful to have found a really good option that will provide a warm and stimulating learning environment for him.

Avivah

Why remote learning is hard and how to make it easier

parenting

When my fourteen year old son went to high school at the beginning of the year, it was a great fit for him. He really loved it.

For five days.

Then a student had a positive corona test and all the boys were sent home. Zoom classes replaced in-person classes for the next week and a half. Then he returned for one more week of school before the break before the fall holidays. And that was it.

Since then, it’s been zoom, zoom, zoom.

Sitting in his room for hours every day across from a screen, alone. I didn’t like it at all. At one point I instructed him to sit at a table outside, facing the orchard next to our house. He said that it was much better – I knew being outdoors with fresh air, sunshine and the sight of nature would be a much better learning environment – but the internet connection wasn’t reliable and back to his room he went.

But he was learning and continued to feel motivated and connected to his teachers.

Then the school reopened for local ninth graders, but the dorm remained closed. So my son and three others who are too far for a daily commute were left alone on Zoom. As non-ideal as it is when the teacher is teaching directly on the screen to all the students, it becomes much less ideal when he is teaching in person to most of the students and just a few are left on the screen, ignored in the proverbial corner.

My son has amazed me with his consistent ability to show up on zoom classes with a good attitude, day after day. But when the announcement was made about the regular classes resuming (though not for him) he got discouraged and upset. How, he asked me, is he supposed to ask a question or have any personal interaction with his teacher in this situation? Hope that his teacher remembers to look at the screen to see if he has a question once an hour?

After hearing this news, the next day he didn’t attend online classes – he had lost his incentive to participate.

That day was followed by Shabbos, which allowed him to decompress. He took a long run with a friend on Saturday night to a local spring to burn off the frustration he was feeling – he was still wound up pretty tight – and came back feeling much calmer and more accepting of the situation. Not happy about it, but able to deal with it. And he went back to his online classes.

Fortunately, the school asked for parental feedback and enough of us voted for a capsule that they finally opened the ninth grade dorm yesterday. (A capsule means, they keep the kids isolated as a group for an extended period; they each have to have a negative corona test to be allowed in, no entrances or exits are allowed once the capsule ‘closes’; no connection with other students not in the same capsule.) I was so happy to take my son to school yesterday. And he is SO happy to be back!

I believe globally we’re going to be paying the emotional and developmental price for this online learning ‘solution’ for years to come. Kids aren’t meant to learn like this.

>> BH my son just became a bar mitzvah. Thank G-d he has matured a lot in the past few years and all the skills I learned from you have been very helpful. Recently with the whole remote learning we see that he is unmotivated and takes very little initiative in completing his work. I wouldn’t say he was ever super motivated but he learned in school and did ok grades wise. Now it’s a disaster. I was hoping you could give me some guidance about how to build in my son an innate desire for learning and motivation to help him be more successful. Thank you! <<

For years, the main question people have asked of me as a homeschooler has been, “What about socialization?” It wasn’t hard for people to picture kids doing well academically in the home environment, but it became clear to me after hearing this question for so many years, that the most important part of school was social.

And now, students have had the most important component of school taken away, and parents are left focusing on the academics as if it’s an independent issue from the learning environment.

It’s not.

We really can’t directly create intrinsic motivation and desire for anything. This is an organic process that happens on its own, that is part of an emotional maturing process that comes from within the child. What we can do is create external conditions that support the child’s maturation process.

This consists of a lot of emotional connection, emotional safety and emotional space. Developing interests actually comes in the quiet spaces in our lives, not when we’re scheduled and kept busy from the outside. We have to find the emptiness to want to fill it. We can help our kids make room for an interest to develop by backing off and giving them room to find their interests. (This suggestion generally makes parents very anxious and the process of waiting for the interest to emerge requires a lot of trust in the inherent maturational process; it often looks like they are lazing around and zoning out for a while).

The ideal learning situation is when a student has an interest in the material and a connection with the teacher. In this situation, you’ll see students do super well – they stay engaged, the enjoy learning, they want to be there.

When one of those is missing, learning can still happen.

When both interest and connection are missing, learning will come to a standstill. And then you have the unmotivated student.

When all my son’s ninth grade class was on Zoom, he told me that hardly anyone was paying attention. Honestly, this is predictable – the question we should really ask is why are some students able to learn effectively on Zoom? (The answer is above – a combination of interest and connection with the teacher.)

How can you get a child who feels no connection to the material or teacher to care about it? You can’t.

You really can’t.

This is why people then try to use the carrot/stick approach. To promise incentives, and when that doesn’t work, to use penalties or punishments. That includes the withdrawal of our positive feelings about them.

My suggestion would be to pull back as much as possible regarding your expectations of his participation on Zoom. I know parents feel like they have to make sure their kids are showing up for their online classes, but understand it’s asking something unreasonable and unnatural of our kids to learn in this way. Perhaps you can look at his schedule with him, and ask him to pick the most important classes for him to show up at – like two or three a day.

(Honestly, I don’t think any of us adults would be able to sit through hours of classes on topics that we don’t care about, day after day. If we continued to show up at the screen daily, we would zone out and open another window on our screen, to read or watch videos of things that interest us more.)

Encourage him to find outlets or hobbies for all of that pent up energy. Teenage boys are meant to be moving around a LOT! If he wants to talk about why he doesn’t like online learning, be willing to hear him out without telling him why it’s important for him to do it anyway.

Let him know how awesome you think he is, independent of his school success. Honestly, it matters so little in the course of one’s life how he does in school. What is much, much more important is that he feels loved and appreciated, and has some feeling of success in an area that matters to him.

My thirteen year old was feeling kind of blah – hardly any kids his age around, no extracurricular activities available, politics in the shul that made it an unpleasant environment…Then of his own volition he began learning in the evenings hilchos shechita with a local shochet. He found a different shul to attend where people are warm and welcoming (he gets up for neitz – the sunrise service – and enjoys having breakfast there before coming home). Then he had a couple of extended jobs come his way working for people he likes, and making money. He feels purposeful and positive about his days now.

I don’t see the blah period as a bad thing; it’s actually an inherent part of his life getting better. There has to be awareness of having a space to fill, and a desire to fill it, before someone can make choices that feel better to them.

Avivah