Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Kayla McKeon – Capitol Hill lobbyist with Trisomy 21

    Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long; I’ve had an incredible string of technical challenges with my computer, my phone, my new phone, my home internet….it just didn’t seem to stop! So I wasn’t able to get online, despite my plans to write several posts this month in honor of October being Down Syndrome Awareness Month.

    So here I am, barely squeaking in under the deadline (it’s after 11:30 pm Oct. 31) but better something than nothing, right?

    There are so many misconceptions of people with Trisomy 21, and probably all of them involve significantly diminished expectations (physically, socially, intellectually, behaviorally). Across the world, people with T21 are raising the bar and showing us what different kinds of success look like and blazing new trails for those who come after them.

    Back in January I shared a video of a talented dancer with Trisomy 21. As much as I enjoyed that, it’s not the kind of thing that resonates with me specifically for my kids, though they may end up being amazing dancers in spite of the lack of focus of that in our family.

    Today I’m sharing a video of a young woman who I found to be inspiring and her direction has resonated with me more personally. I KNOW my boys with T21 are intelligent and capable. I expect them to one day be able to live independently and interact appropriately and productively within mainstream society. When I see Kayla McKeon lobbying on Capitol Hills, it raises the bar in my mind of what is possible.

    Kayla joins other bright and well-spoken women with T21, including Karen Gaffney and Tikva Juni, who I’ve written about here.

    I wasn’t able to directly link the videos, so click below for the video and short summary of Kayla’s work. Eight minutes, very worth it!

     https://nowthisnews.com/videos/her/kayla-mckeon-is-a-us-lobbyist-inspiring-others-with-down-syndrome

    When I did a search to find this video for you, I came across Kayla’s blog, which you might also find of interest.

    Go, Kayla!

    Avivah

  • Give your child the gift of boredom!

    Give your child the gift of boredom!

    This week I had a very frustrating meeting with the staff at my two year old son’s daycare. For thirty minutes, we all discussed his poor outcome for this past year and all agreed  he needs something very different for the coming year.

    What upset me was a concluding statement.

    Even though he hasn’t done well in this framework, I was strongly urged to send him for the rest of the summer because ‘it’s better than nothing’.

    Putting aside the implication that being at home is the same as doing nothing, and also putting aside the clearly demonstrated fact that he did much better when exclusively at home – why is there so much resistance to allowing a two year old a summer break to do nothing?

    Our society is losing its way. We are moving towards non-stop movement, faster and harder and do more, at younger and younger ages. As we adults do this to ourselves, we’re doing the same to our kids and the biggest problem is that we think it’s not only okay but desirable.

    A couple of weeks ago, I spent two days at the Sea of Galilee. It takes time when getting to a quiet spot to let the stillness seep inside, but if you give it enough time you’ll gradually feel your inner wrinkles unfolding and smoothing out. I cherish these long blocks of unscheduled time to recenter, to get in touch with what matters most to me, in order to build my best, most meaningful life.

    When I came back from the two day retreat, I shared some of the thoughts that gelled during my time away with my husband. That led to a really long, thoughtful conversation. My husband commented, “I’m always amazed when we have enough quiet time to talk at the things we can get clarity on!”

    That’s the power of inner quiet for one’s self. Followed by quiet space for a couple.

    But what about our kids?

    It’s getting progressively more difficult to find quiet in our world of non-stop stimulation. Especially for kids, whose lives are becoming packed with school and extracurricular activities.

    Maybe it’s because we can’t see all that is happening inside when a child is bored that we don’t appreciate it. We want to see and quantify the benefits our children experience, but the benefits of boredom aren’t immediately apparent.

    When we take away the space for our children to be unscheduled, we also take away the opportunity for them to find the quiet inside themselves.

    Boredom is where intrinsic motivation begins.

    Boredom is first base for discovering interests that may – or may not – turn into passion.

    Boredom is the seed that creativity sprouts from.

    Daydreaming, staring into space, lying in bed gazing at the ceiling – something is happening inside even if we don’t see it.

    beach 2019 - r sitting

    They start thinking more deeply. They start feeling more deeply. They start getting in touch with themselves, with their likes and dislikes, with their internal worlds.  They develop their imaginations. They build confidence as they are allowed agency over important parts of their lives.

    The more you entertain your kids to keep them from feeling bored, the less able they become to manage themselves. They will need more and more outside support to keep themselves busy as they get older, not less.

    I want my children to take responsibility for filling their own time – I’m around and available to talk and interact with, but I’m not the activity director. My child’s boredom isn’t my problem to solve – it’s his.

    In my house, if you tell me you’re bored chances are I will very quickly offer you something to do – sweeping the floor or washing dishes is usually my first offer. I don’t usually make many other suggestions. Amazing how quickly they decide they can find something that will interest them more!

    Now is when I’m supposed to wow you with the impressive list of accomplishments of my kids thanks to their boredom. You know, the businesses they built, the money they earned, the prodigies they became. Um, no.

    Because even if they did all that (they didn’t), that’s not the point. The reason to let your kids be bored isn’t because they’ll do lots of awesome things once they start to direct their own time. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.

    The reason to let your kids be bored is to give them a chance to just be, without any pressure or obligation. Lots of good things flow from ‘nothing’!

    spring hike 3 boys resized

    Give your child the gift of boredom. He deserves it.

    Avivah

  • Yay, summer is here and the kids are home!

    The summer is a busy time of year for our family!

    This is a little roundup of what’s going on around here.

    A couple of weeks ago one son turned 17, our first married couple celebrated their two year anniversary, a day later my husband and I celebrated our 27th anniversary, two days ago was my oldest granddaughter’s first birthday, yesterday was another son’s seventh birthday, and tomorrow my oldest son will turn 26! I’m so thankful for it all.

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    It’s our first official week of vacation and it’s so nice to finally be free of most of the external schedules! I had a mini debate with myself about sending Yirmi (now 7!) to the school sponsored summer camp program – there was a ridiculously small fee and the bus there and back was available for no extra charge. Even though the program would finish at 12:45 daily and it would have been fun, I opted to keep him home for the entire summer.

    It’s so nice not to have to get him ready first thing in the morning, sending him off when he’s fresh and getting him back after 4 pm when he’s exhausted and out of sort. He’s a great person to spend time with. And it feels like vacation to me not to have to get going so early in the morning!

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    It seemed that I wouldn’t be allowed to take Rafael (2.5) out of his daycare program for the summer. Don’t ask. It has been one big headache and I continually just turn this over to G-d and ask for His help in gracefully navigating the system. However, this week a therapist gave me a heads up that independent of the administration’s threat not to allow him to come back next year, the therapists don’t think this is a  supportive environment for him and suggest finding a different place.

    Now that I know he won’t be continuing at this daycare for the coming year, if I can cut down his summer attendance they can’t threaten me with kicking him out of the program.  It’s the silver lining of the whole daycare situation right now.

    What I’d really like to do is keep him home for the coming year, and that would unquestionably be the best thing for him. I’m sure we would see dramatic improvements in every area. However, as a foster parent I don’t get to make that choice. The only option I’m left with is an intensive therapeutic program.

    There are many lovely things about that program and if I’m forced to send him there I’ll focus on those things, but I have to tell you honestly that my heart is clutching at all of this. I’m being told he’s not progressing fast enough and the answer is more therapy. But he doesn’t need more therapy, what he needs is more attachment.

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    Last week I attended a two day beach festival for women in Tiberias on the edge of the Sea of Galilee, and it was wonderful! So relaxing and maybe most important, I had extended quiet to reflect on some things that are important to me and discuss them with others. From there, I spent a lot of time considering how to integrate more of those things into my life.

    The more I have the courage to ask myself what I really want my life to look and feel like, the more clarity I have and then I can take actions to move closer to that goal. It’s extremely empowering.

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    On my bucket list for the summer are getting hearing aids for Yirmi. It’s taken a year to get to the point that he’s been approved for the hearing aids, and hopefully in the next month we can get all the necessary appointments for this taken care of. He’s done amazingly in his first year of school, and think how much more he’ll gain next year when he can clearly hear what is being said!

    Another important item that I want to take care of during the relaxed summer months, is to begin the process of palate expansion. It can be uncomfortable and make speech less clear, so I opted not to do this during the school year. Yirmi works hard enough to keep up and do all that is asked of him without piling on another challenge during the school year!

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    In other news, my 18 year old daughter applied to a seminary that seemed to be a perfect fit for her, and wasn’t accepted. When someone contacted the administration to find out why, they said that due to her homeschooling background, they are concerned she won’t be able to get to classes on time and manage the schedule.

    That is so completely ludicrous for someone who has been managing her own schedule for a long time (no parents to wake her up and remind her to do homework); she has much more self-discipline than the average high school graduate. It was very frustrating  that they didn’t bring up this concern in the interview and give her a chance to respond. Instead, they made an assumption based on whatever their ideas about homeschooling are. (Clearly not very positive, as they said, “We aren’t like your family who does whatever they want – we act in accordance to rabbinical guidance.” This is an example of when I have to set my ego aside and focus on supporting what my kids need. )

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    My seventeen year old son has decided he wants to leave high school early and go directly to a post high school yeshiva, where he will be able to pursue full-time Torah study. I’ve been somewhat on the fence about this, and despite his repeated comments to the effect that I’m not supporting him, I’m actually very open to the possibility. However, I want to know that he will be attending a yeshiva that will be a good match for him, and finding that match is still up in the air.

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    Oh, have I told you that I’m going to continue homeschooling ds10 and ds11 for the coming year? I’ve been meaning to do a post on that for many weeks. After feeling very burnt out last summer, I decided this school year was going to be our last year of homeschooling. But as time went on and I regrouped, I found myself remembering what I love about homeschooling and how it continues to benefit them. Prior to that, I could only see all that I wasn’t doing and was focusing on that.

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    Some little random odds and ends of summer stuff…

    I took three of the boys to an archeological dig, where we uncovered the original mosaic floors from a 1500 year old church – educational and fun. It was a great experience, and I’d love to share pics but they don’t want the public to see the finds yet. (They’ll be officially introduced in the fall.)

    We’ve been continuing exploring the closest national park and in addition to new playgrounds. Yesterday we had a great time at a birthday party for my granddaughter in Jerusalem.

    The pool is getting lots of use. Even Rafael (2), who refuses to go in, is enjoying it – we hung the bucket swing over the pool so he can swing and and dangle his feet in the water while the older boys are playing – he loves it!

    And that’s the update for now!

    Avivah

  • Staying positive when dealing with frustrating bureaucracy and seeing good results happening!

    Yesterday I received the wonderful news that Yirmi (6) has been approved for an additional year of gan safa!

    A month ago, after returning from a week at the beach with my family I wrote: I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

    Now that there has been some resolution of some things that I was dealing with, I’m going to share with you a glimpse of the back story to the above statement.

    For months Yirmi’s school placement for next year was been hanging in the air. Although he was accepted to a mainstream first grade for the coming year, neither I nor any of the professionals assessing him thought putting him in traditional first grade at this time was the best option. However, I was told the likelihood he would be approved for another year of gan safa was almost nonexistent (due to his age). 

    Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan
    Yirmi, almost 7, celebrating birthday in gan

    I went back and forth for weeks, trying to determine what the best course of action would be if he wasn’t approved. Should I send him to first grade, should I officially homeschool him, should I refuse to send him to school and unofficially homeschool him, or should I legally fight for his placement? I spent so many hours of wresting with this and wasn’t getting much clarity on what decision to go in!

    I finally decided a few weeks ago that if he was denied gan safa, I would unofficially homeschool him and simultaneously legally fight until he got the appropriate placement. I then felt confident that he was going to go to gan safa one way or another!

    And now he’s been approved without any drama, without any fighting, and with plenty of time before the coming school year.

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    While dealing with the above, I was simultaneously advocating to get Yirmi changed to a different school bus. The escort on the bus regularly yelled at the kids and threatened them. When I complained, my concerns were verified and she was called in and given a warning. I was told to come back if the problem continued.

    Of course the issue continued and I pulled Yirmi off the bus, taking him back and forth daily for weeks. When I went back to the municipality to report that the issue was still a problem, the person at that office (who had been on vacation when I initially dealt with this) adamantly told me  there’s no issue, no one else has complained, and clearly I’m the problem – because I don’t know how to communicate and ds6 is too sensitive.

    In spite of that that hostile initial response, my concerns were again very quickly verified but no action was taken. I began to feel that something supernatural had to happen because it seemed that looking out for the emotional safety of the children involved wasn’t anyone’s focus but mine.  While I waited to see this official three weeks later, I repeatedly asked G-d to give me the words to open her heart so she would want to help me.

    He did. 

    I asked her if she had checked into my concerns and she said she had. What had she found out? I asked, knowing the answer. “That you’re right.” After a bit of back and forth with me being very low key and not speaking with even a hint of blame or hostility for their position until that point, she looked me steadily in the eyes without speaking for a full minute. While continuing to look me in the eye, she picked up her phone and called another bus escort to notify her that Yirmi was being shifted to her route, effective immediately. I had been told for months that this was impossible. One 60 second phone call and it was done.

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    Then, also at the same time, I was informed that a report was sent to (or from? – no one will tell me who wrote it) social services that I bring Rafael to his daycare between 9:30  – 10 am, and when told he is missing his therapeutic interventions as a result of my tardiness, told them I don’t care. Since this was completely false (he’s always there between 8:30 – 9, in time for breakfast as per their guidelines), I assumed some obvious mistake had been made and it would quickly be corrected. Instead I was told there was no mistake, that everything that was written was true and I’m the problem. (Do you notice a pattern in official responses ?)

    Since then they’ve admitted that they wrote incorrect information in the report (no one is saying it directly to me, of course, but they admitted it to my foster care social worker). However,  now that I’m on their radar it seems they want to create an issue, and I was told they will deny Rafael admission to their program next year unless I agree to leave him there for the full day program.

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    Background to this discussion: After five months in daycare this year, his development had stalled so obviously that no one could deny it. At that point I began picking him up at 12:30 daily rather than letting him stay until 3:30/4 pm. Within a week he became happier, much more active, involved in activities at daycare, his development restarted and he’s now doing fabulously. Every single professional at the roundtable evaluation meeting in Feb. agreed that it was because of this decision of mine to pick him up early that he was doing so well.

    Before I ever registered him for this program in Feb 2018, I asked them when the actual programming took place, and asked if there would be a problem if I picked him up when this programming was finished.  I was clearly told that the program takes place between breakfast and lunch, and as long as he’s there for that stretch of time and we pay the price for the full day, there’s no problem with me picking him up early.

    Suddenly I’m being told that it’s a problem that I pick him up early because he is missing the benefits of inclusion. My social worker spoke to her supervisor and told me that they know how well Rafael is doing and understand my concerns, they know that I was told it was fine to pick him up early (they verified with the head of the daycare) but the foster care agency has to insist I comply and send him for the full day next year.

    May 2019 at beach, age 2.5
    May 2019 at beach, age 2.5

    For a couple of days after I received the notice of the report I was very bothered. I was so upset, not that they made a mistake, but that they wouldn’t admit to their mistake. I was sorely tempted to pull him from the program for the coming year but due to foster care guidelines and demands I am left with no other viable options. Finally I took a mental step back and said to myself, I am not giving my power away. This feels real and intimidating but it’s really not. I have a choice how I choose to think about this.

    It was good I had a chance to emotionally address this within myself since then I didn’t get upset and frustrated when being told about this new issue. I’m not going to feel stuck and powerless to make good choices for my child, I’m not going to tell myself how threatening and bad this is for Rafael . I’m completely sidestepping this power play.

    I’m continuing to believe in the good will of all involved – truly, these are all nice people with good intentions – and trust that it will all work out for Rafael’s highest good next year. 

    Avivah

  • Get out into nature – stop making excuses and just do it!

    Get out into nature – stop making excuses and just do it!

    Exactly a year ago, we bought a car and one of my intended purposes was to get my kids to these spots that aren’t accessible without private transportation.

    There’s no question it made my life easier in a number of ways, but getting into nature?

    It only took me a year to do that.

    Sometimes I mentally make too big a deal of something and then as a result I procrastinate. Sometimes for a very, very long time!

    In this case, I told tell myself I needed a big block of time. I needed the weather to be perfect. I needed to be well-rested, the kids needed to be well-rested. They needed to have finished their reading and math and for the house to be left perfectly clean. And the laundry had to be hung before I went out.

    No surprise that all the stars in my sky never lined up, right?

    And I didn’t go anywhere.

    Finally last week I realized I was making it way too complicated and hard. Getting out with the kids into nature was important to me, so I asked myself what would make it easy to do. I realized that going out first thing in the morning would be the best option for me. Otherwise, my day gets filled up very fast with other things that need doing. The urgent things very quickly crowd out the deeply important things, because the important things don’t claim the limelight.

    Earlier in the day is also when I have the most energy; by the time the afternoons roll around I’m tired and just want to do as little as possible!

    I told my ten and eleven year olds to quickly grab water bottles and anything else they want to taken if they wanted to come with me on an outing. At 8:30 in the morning we were out of the house (along with my husband, who happened to be home sick – I convinced him he would feel better if he went with us :)).

    Fifteen minutes later we were driving up the mountain of a national park. I pulled into the second play area that I saw, and I really didn’t have any agenda of how we would use our time. My only limitation was that we would stay just two hours since it was a very spontaneous outing (I thought of it about 7:15 that morning) and I had other things scheduled that I needed to be back for.

    In any case, in the spirit of keeping it simple and easy to do again, having a two hour window was a good thing.

    The boys brought their readaloud and interestingly, the first thing they did was ask my husband to read to them. (They’re reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. As we drove past a farm on our way, one son commented, it’s like ‘The King’s Lettuce!’ and we all knew what he meant. I love how reading together gives us common references! )

    My husband reading out loud with the boys
    My husband reading out loud with the boys

    Ds11 is definitely a child who enjoys movement. Can you spot him listening to the book in the picture below?

    british park reading 2

    Other than the swing that was there, they didn’t use any of the play equipment. It was nice to see that they were equally happy to hike around and to sit together, reading comics and doing brain benders.

    (By the way, do you know how wonderful it is to have a child who has struggled with reading say, ‘Reading is fun! Can we get a membership to the library?” And then go the library on his own, get a membership and check out the books that he took with us. I heard his younger brother, who is also a late reader, reading with him and asking him what sounds a couple of the letters make. Learning happens all the time, especially when we aren’t looking or trying to make it happen. Every child on his own timeline.)

    british park 4

    My husband thanked me for encouraging him to come, and several times commented how much better he was feeling. Of course! Fresh air and sunshine are natural healers – how can you not feel better outside?!?

    To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed! Doesn't he look like he's feeling better here?
    To think he was feeling so lousy he planned to spend the day in bed!

    I wonder sometimes if when we get sick, if our bodies are forcing us to slow down since we don’t proactively make opportunities for relaxation?

    My husband went off on a mini hike with ds11, who particularly enjoyed the challenge of walking over a fallen, partially suspended log.  While he was off in the woods, I took the opportunity to sit under a tree and read. That was after I had gone off on my own for a while for some time to breathe.

    Yes, I know we all breathe all the time but it’s different when I can consciously allow myself to slow down inside and just be in the moment. That’s something that I find very, very centering. Since living in alignment with my values is so important to me on a daily basis, it’s critical to have that quiet space to stay in touch with my inner compass.

    british park a

    It’s a wonderful feeling when you do something that is deeply resonant with your personal priorities. We all enjoyed every minute, and I am very much want to schedule more of these opportunities into our days! It’s not easy for me to do, but it’s not as hard as I’ve made it seem to myself, either. Mostly it’s a matter of scheduling it in as a priority and working the smaller things in around it.

    It’s amazing how relaxing just two hours can be for everyone when we’re in the beautiful outdoors!

    So my message to you – keep it simple and just do it! Don’t get into the mental trap that I slipped into.

    Whenever you can, however you can, get outdoors. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, you don’t have to have tons of food packed, you don’t have to leave your house neat, you don’t have to find the perfect location.

    Really, keep it simple or you’ll find a zillion excuses to keep you from getting outdoors!

    Avivah

    (PS -since I know someone will ask 🙂 –  this was at British Park.)

  • Getting the kids outside this summer!

    Getting the kids outside this summer!

    I was caught by surprise when I realized that school will be ending really soon and somehow the summer is already upon us!

    What am I planning for the summer?

    Right now I have no plans for camp for anyone. As positive an experience as I think camp can be, I want our kids to enjoy the freedom of waking up when their bodies are ready (my six year old leaves the house at 7:10 and my 13 year old leaves just ten minutes after that) and having lots of unstructured time for them to fill, in as relaxed and leisurely a way that they want to.

    You know the old fashioned way that kids used to play? Outside for hours and hours? That’s what I want to encourage. I’m so appreciative that in Israel there’s more of an outdoor culture than in the US, but nonetheless, getting your kid outside for extended periods of time isn’t a given even here.

    Here’s some of what I’m planning for:

    Bike riding – We’ve gotten ds10’s bike tires pumped up and filled with a material that makes the tires resistant to being popped by thorns. Last week we bought ds11 a new bike (well, to be accurate, we bought it with him since he paid for almost half of the cost himself).  We did a check to be sure everyone’s helmet was in good condition, and replaced the one that wasn’t.

    Swimming – Last year due to renovations we didn’t set up our pool, but this year the boys have already got it set up! I’m waiting on the arrival of one replacement pole and then we’ll move full steam ahead to getting it filled up and in use. There’s nothing like getting in the pool on a regular basis to improve swimming skills – and most importantly – it’s fun! Fun is when all kinds of learning happens.

    These pools aren’t expensive – the one we bought used in the US was something like $50. I got a new one in Israel on sale for 700 shekels (4.5 meters long x 2.2 meters wide), and then bought the upgraded filter since the one that came with it was pretty much useless. Cheaper than even a few weeks of day camp for the boys (here the cost runs about 900 shekels for three weeks per child), and it makes our home a more inviting place to spend time in and to have friends over.

    I haven’t discovered the secret to making my home the preferred hangout of my kids and their friends, which I think is a good thing. But having fun stuff to do is definitely helpful.

    Playgrounds – There are so many playgrounds in our city that I haven’t ever set foot in! A couple of weeks ago we visited one my kids had been asking about for months, and had a great time. We usually stick to the parks closest to home, so I’m planning to venture out and get to know other parks and playgrounds this summer.

    Nature exploration – Our area is a short drive from some very beautiful natural areas. What I want is to get the kids out in the sum, in the forests, in the shade, climbing over rocks and tree branches, balancing on logs and getting filled up with the quiet of being in nature.

    The book Last Child in the Woods, by Richard Louv, is a wonderful reminder of how important it is for children (and all of us!) to be outside. As childhood moves increasingly in the direction of being sedentary, solitary and dominated by screens, it becomes a conscious effort for a parent to get the kids moving, outdoors and connecting with others.

    It’s worth it, though. Play outside is so healthy and so beneficial in so many ways. Developmentally, socially, emotionally…there are so many ways kids stand to gain by putting aside all the structured activities and giving them a chance to be bored, to find new interests and explore the world around them.

    Play is how children learn best and the more we can encourage that play, the more they will learn! From a homeschooling perspective, I’ve believed this for many years. When my son with Trisomy 21 was born and I jumped into research about the developmental needs of kids with special needs, I was delighted to found that play continues to be the way to go.

    So there you have it, my very simple and basic summer plans! Low key, low cost, low pressure.

    While this will be supplemented by indoor activities, maybe a few trips, stuff like that – this is really where my focused intent for the summer will be.

    Avivah

  • Keeping bar mitzva costs down – you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing!

    When I have some time away from my blog and then come back, I always have a sense of “Where do I start with and what should I talk about first?” Today I’ll answer this question that’s been sitting in the queue for a while!

    My son’s bar mitzva was beautiful. He had a long and difficult Torah portion to read, and he did beautifully. He also read the Haftorah. The rest of our male family members dominated the prayer service. 🙂 One son got hagba (raising the Torah scroll), another was honored with p’sicha (opening the ark), my husband and sons-in-law received aliyahs, and and my oldest son davened the musaf service. It was very special for me.

    bm brothers

    And all of our little granddaughters were there, even the newest one who was less than two weeks old. And of course their mothers. 🙂

    Pesach 2019 sisters 1

    I’m telling you, it was serious nachas. I kept thanking Hashem for the privilege of raising these children and His kindness and partnership with us throughout the years.

    family pic 2019

    I have a question for you, if you have time, I’d love to get your thoughts on bar mitzvahs and not spending 10k like most of my son’s friends are doing..!

    Well, how much you spend depends on where you live, what the standards are and how comfortable you are establishing your own standards!

    A friend recently made a bar mitzva and told me I was her inspiration for thinking outside of the box and doing what was right for her family – which included keeping costs proportionate to their income. I love hearing about people finding their own path; it’s not always easy but there’s a lot of freedom in acknowledging your personal preferences and limitations, and making choices accordingly.

    I remember speaking to an Ethiopian woman in Karmiel who worked cleaning homes for a living. She told me she spent thirty thousand shekels on her son’s bar mitzva party. When I expressed surprise (shock, actually), she told me this was the norm for all of his friends. A friend here in RBS told me the same figure.

    There’s no question that it’s a lot of pressure when all of your child’s have a given standard and you feel you have to live up to it. After all, you don’t want to embarrass your child. So hopefully you’ve chosen a community that has compatible values in terms of how a simcha is celebrated with your own.

    When it comes to bar mitzva plans, we take into account the preferences of the bar mitzva boy. I originally had one thing in mind, and my son had a different idea.

    I thought since his actual birthday was on Shabbos, we’d have a large lunch meal with all our family and his friends in attendance. When ds20 had this same scenario, we had 90 people for Shabbos lunch and it was really lovely. But when I broached the idea with my son, he told me that he has friends and teachers who don’t live locally, and it was very important to him that he have an event that all of his classmates and teachers could attend. So that was the end of my idea!

    The Shabbos of the bar mitzva we had immediate family members for the entire Shabbos. On Shabbos morning we hosted a kiddush (dessert buffet) at shul following his Torah reading.

    Most of his friends have their bar mitzva celebrations in a hall. I didn’t want to do that, because then we have to fill the hall and I wasn’t planning to invite my friends. The purpose of this evening was for my son to celebrate with the people he wanted to have there. He made the invitation list, he delivered them all personally to everyone on his list – I gave no suggestions or input to this. (Some of our friends did come, because he wanted them there and invited them!)

    We are blessed with a large porch, and thanks to the renovations we did this summer, we have a large open plan dining room/kitchen. While certainly not comparable in size to a hall, I was sure we could fit the 60 – 70 people he wanted to invite for a sit down meal.

    Our plans changed just a week before the party. Due to the unseasonable and unpredictable cold and rainy weather we were having. I wasn’t at all confident that the weather would cooperate with our plans. So at the last minute we scrambled to find a new location and had his party at a shul.

    This ended up being really nice for a number of reasons and I think it was nicer than it would have been at our home.

    I feel a sense of communal responsibility every time we have an event, because community expectations are based on what everyone does. I think it’s a kindness to the community to unapologetically hold the costs and standards down, which are continually ratcheting up. My goal has never been to have the cheapest possible event, but to have a celebration that honors the person being celebrated, and to do it in a tasteful and financially responsible way.

    My experience is that people appreciate it, and I don’t think anyone has ever considered any of our celebrations cheap. The principal of my son’s school was there and told us how much he liked how we did it: “Hakol she’tzarich k’mo she’tzarich” – loosely translated to, “Everything that there should be, in the spirit it should have. ”

     

    I saved every receipt so I could share with you exactly what I spent for everything, but if I wait until I sift through and add up every shekel, this post isn’t going to get finished for a very long time! I have all the exact figures except for the bar mitzva meal food expenses written down so I’m going to overestimate on that rather than give numbers that are too low.

    Since I think the question that was asked was inquiring about the costs generally associated with the party itself, I’m not including the costs of bar mitzva lessons for nine months (about 3000 shekels), or tefillin (also 3000 – we got a very good price on them). However, I’m mentioning them since they are spiritually and financially significant. They aren’t usually talked about but these are the most important costs, the costs of preparing a young man for a life of mitzvos.

    Kiddush – our shul has a very simple standard, which I appreciate, and there are two different options. The simpler kiddush is 2200 shekels and includes brownies, cookies, chocolate rugelach, cinnamon rugelach, potato kugel, pekalach and drinks. The one that is slightly nicer is 2600 shekels, and includes herring and crackers in addition to the other items.

    This really isn’t a lot, considering the shul I used to go to has an average cost of 6000 shekels for the kiddush (it’s a completely different standard), and that this is for 200 people. But it was more than I wanted to spend for a simple kiddush. I asked the person who takes care of this to share a list of what items are bought and quantities of each, and told him I’d like to try doing some of my own shopping. Since this isn’t something the shul makes a profit on, he was doubtful that I could do any better price-wise but agreed.

    I decided not to get the potato kugel. Yes, that’s standard for the shul but I can do what I want to do, right? (That’s what I reminded myself because I was feeling I had to get exactly what he usually got!) I didn’t feel it added value for me personally. I got about eight kinds of bakery cookies, two kinds of crackers and three kinds of rugelach (miniature rolled yeast cakes), and drinks.

    Then I added on some items: herring, chumus, olives, halva, banana chips, and two kinds of gummy candies. I also got 100 bags of bisli snacks for the kids. (I was told they usually get pekalach for the kids so that they don’t grab all the more expensive things. I don’t like to skimp on quantities and I bought plenty of everything so kids could also have as much as they wanted, but I still got the bags of bisli.)  I got a ton of stuff.

    The shul has  policy that everything has to be store bought, or I would have made some fruit and veggie platters and some other things. It was good that I couldn’t do that because it kept me from adding any extra activities to my list at an already very busy time.

    Total for kiddush: 1004 shekels. This included everything and I had lots of leftover cookies, rugelach and drinks, that I put out at the bar mitzva the next night. I had leftovers of everything else, too, even the herring, which usually gets totally finished!

    As far as the bar mitzva seuda/party, I also had some last minute changes. I planned a very casual menu that included hot dogs, roast, french fries – things I thought this group of guests would enjoy more than the standard chicken/rice/green beans. But alas! When I bought the hot dogs, it was before I knew that the widely accepted kosher certification on this product (Kehillot, for those who are wondering) wasn’t used by the school.

    It was the night before the party when I realized my error. I went to a number of stores, but none of them had hot dogs with the kosher supervision I needed. That’s because it was the week before Pesach and only kosher for Passover products were being sold, and this organization that gives the kosher certification (Eida Chareidis) doesn’t authorize things like hot dogs for the holiday.

    Okay, so time to change the menu! Then one of my older boys objected when he heard my menu, telling me I wasn’t making enough food. I knew he was wrong but rather than argue, I just made more food. 🙂 It really wasn’t a big deal.

    The menu ended up as follows:

    • homemade rolls
    • chummus
    • olives, pickles
    • Israeli salad
    • brisket
    • sliced chicken breast
    • rice
    • french fries
    • green beans with red peppers and onions
    • ice cream
    • cupcakes, cookies
    • (additional cookies and rugelach from kiddush)

    Here’s the breakdown of costs for the seuda/party:

    • Food and paper goods for the seuda: 1000 – 1200 shekels
    • Wait staff –  630 shekels – I wasn’t sure if this was a good use of money but in the end was glad I hired this out since I was able to sit and let them make sure things got served with minimal involvement on my part.
    • Music – 250 – my son had a friend he knew from when they were in high school who was very experienced but not yet officially ‘in the business’. He played the keyboard and was excellent; the music added tremendously to the atmosphere and the fun.
    • Music equipment rental – 200 – there was someone who had a gemach for this; the price included delivery, set up in the beginning and break down at the end
    • Photography – 0 – we hired someone to do a family photo right before the bar mitzva Shabbos but decided not to do photography for the party. We figured friends and family would probably take pictures and didn’t feel we needed more than that.
    • Shul rental – this is one of the shuls we pay a monthly membership to; they don’t officially have a hall and getting the space ready for the bar mitzva was a lot of work. They didn’t ask us to pay anything. 200 shekels

    Total for meal for 70 people (using higher food estimate): 2480 shekels.

    I once again had lots of leftovers but no one minded since it was a few days before Pesach and it’s helpful to have food to eat when you’re scurrying around cleaning and turning your kitchen over.

    So there you have it, 3484 shekels for a kiddush for 200 and meal for 70. Again, my focus isn’t on cutting costs to a minimum but I do try to be a good steward of what we have. I was pleased to that our son was very, very happy with his bar mitzva weekend, and I wasn’t stressed by the costs even though it was taking place at what is easily the most expensive week of the Jewish calendar.

    So my suggestions are when making a celebration: think about what it means to you, what will feel good for you, what resources do you have to work with? And then, ask yourself what kind of things match that vision? Then execute accordingly.

    Avivah

     

  • Kids need less supervision and more independence

    Kids need less supervision and more independence

    At dinner one night, my almost 13 year old said that a friend of his was using a knife, and the father got angry at him and told him he’d punish him if he caught him using it again.

    (I suspect this friend probably wasn’t docilely slicing cucumbers for dinner. Whatever the case was, my son was surprised.)

    He then indignantly continued, “My little brother turned on the fire and cooked his own food when he was four (he was five, actually) and saws away on boxes with knives and you don’t say anything, and my friend isn’t even allowed to use a knife?!?”

    I laughed and said if people heard him they might accuse me of being irresponsible.

    He responded, “No, it’s good you let us do things.”

    Then another son commented about an instance I once referenced from The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff. I read this book many years ago and don’t remember most of what I read, but one thing was so powerful and thought-provoking that it stayed with me all this time.

    Jean visited a native village, and noticed that machetes were left laying around and little babies were allowed to play with them. Astonishingly (to our Westernized eyes, anyway) no one ever got hurt, other than an infant of Westernized (anxious) parents.

    There were also pits that the babies crawled around, sometimes seeming oblivious to them and sitting with their backs right next to the edge. But she recognized that they had the awareness of themselves in space and these infants never fell in.

    How could that be? How could parents be so extremely relaxed and oblivious to serious dangers their children were facing? Why didn’t they put away the machetes until the kids were old enough to be taught to use them safely, and fill in or cover up the pits?

    Were those situations inherently dangerous, or was it the parents attitude toward them that created the danger? It gave me a lot to think about.

    Kids need space to try new things, to stretch their wings, to learn new skills and to make mistakes. And there’s precious little space for kids to do that nowadays. Even if parents want to give their kids more freedom and independence, they have to be concerned that strangers will call the police or social services for letting their children walk somewhere alone, play in the park alone or the like.

    So even those parents who theoretically are willing to let their children explore and expand their limits are often too fearful of the consequences to allow it.

    kids exploring

    A couple of weeks ago I took a couple of my sons with me on a womens’ hike. (Once a year there’s a family hike, and last year my boys accompanied me. The leader then generously told me my boys were welcome to come anytime!)

    So there we were, hiking away, when we came across an interesting ancient structure and well. Naturally, the boys wanted to get closer and check them out.

    Several adults kept telling my boys to be careful, not to climb there, not to go there, because it’s dangerous. “Stand back, don’t get so close, go down, you could fall, you could get hurt!” I assured more than one woman that not only was I watching them but that they were safety conscious and wouldn’t do anything risky.

    It seems that we adults can’t resist projecting our own fears onto kids. We think of every single possibility of something that could go wrong (and we’ve all seen enough articles and news reports of pretty much every horrible possibility), and then we think we have to warn our kids as if it’s all a likelihood for them that moment.

    Can you see how adult fear diminishes the opportunities for a child to develop faith in his own ability?

    As problematic as screen time is, it has created a solution for how to keep the children ‘safely’ occupied, while at the same time it’s created a generation of physically inactive, socially uncomfortable and emotionally insecure children.

    At the end of the hike, we came upon a large  well.

    The water was probably about ten feet across, our boys know how to swim, and there was a welded iron ladder leading down into the water by which a person could climb in and out. There were no currents, no waves, no sharks, and I was standing close by – it was actually kind of similar to a small swimming pool. When they asked me if they could go in, what do you think I said?

    I told them absolutely not. Not because it was dangerous, because it wasn’t. But because others would think it was and would be horrified if I allowed that.

    As we walked away from that well, I thought regretfully about the many generations of children across the ages who were allowed to do so much more than our kids can. The idea that kids at the ages of my boys (almost ten and 11.5) needed constant monitoring and admonitions to stay safe would have been ludicrous.

    I would like to think that if I hadn’t been concerned about the reactions of others that I would have allowed our boys to go in the water.

    Even if I had, it wouldn’t be because I’m so chilled. I’m not. People think I’m more relaxed than I am by the things I allow, but like most of us, I’m a product of our environment.

    What helps me set aside my own worries is reminding myself how important it is for kids to have opportunities for expansion, exploration and development, and remembering those little babies who grew up being trusted and responding accordingly.

    Avivah

  • Criticizing what I see in other people’s home?

    I have another post ready to share with you about something a child said that was appreciative of me, but after receiving the following private message via Facebook, felt it would be appropriate for me to first respond to that in the event that others share the same feelings.

    I asked the person for permission to quote her concerns anonymously but she didn’t agree. So I’ll sum up:

    A mother was extremely upset that I might have been referencing an interaction that took place at her home  in my last post (when my son said he appreciates that I smile at them a lot and that not everyone does that).

    She said whether it was her or not, I should give the mother the benefit of the doubt, that I sounded very judgmental and that all siblings in a family don’t get along every moment of the day.

    She added that as a parenting coach, it’s inappropriate for me to blog about what I or my children see in other people’s homes.

    I completely understand the fear someone would feel that I was writing about them in a negative way here. I would similarly feel very sensitive if I suspected someone wrote a post that in a oblique way was referencing me as a lousy mother. That would feel like a huge violation.

    (I assume my son’s comment was based on seeing different families in different settings – he didn’t reference anyone or anything specific.)

    In the past I’ve occasionally received comments from clients saying they noticed I referenced what they told me in a session – I would NEVER write about what a client tells me in confidence.  What they are seeing is that the issues they share with me are common enough that others are telling me similar things in casual conversation!

    One time, three different people read the same post and told me they thought I was writing it based on a conversation with them – and it wasn’t any of them! Someone had given me a ride somewhere and we had a five minute chat as we drove; her comments were the basis of that post.

    As parents, most of us are challenged by similar situations and it’s those situations that I write about. My intent is to share my personal experiences and reflections, ideas that have worked for me in how to think or respond more effectively to challenging situations. This isn’t a blog about anyone except for me.

    This week I shared about my child’s comment to me about ME. His positive appreciation of something that I do doesn’t mean either of us are negatively judging others, simply noticing there are different ways of doing things!

    My kids don’t talk about what they see in the homes of other people – I don’t encourage talking about others and I try not to do it myself. There are many fascinating things to discuss and other peoples’ business isn’t my preferred dinner topic conversation.

    My kids have a strong ability to see the good in others and accept them as they are. I have conscious tried to convey to them the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt, and regularly talk about different possibilities to explain annoying behavior we experience.

    For example, if someone is nasty at the store, I’ll tell the child with me that she probably is having a hard day, maybe she has a headache or is feeling sick, that we don’t know what her life is like and she’s doing the best she can right now. I say these kind of things often to them (and myself!).

    I really believe that every one of us is doing the best that he can at that moment. Sometimes that best looks better than other times, but sometimes people’s ability to respond positively or constructively is hampered by the challenges they’re going through.

    My post was sharing one comment of appreciation – my son notices that I smile often and frequently say positive things to my children. He didn’t say another mother he saw somewhere was a shrieking witch.

    I can’t control anyone else’s response to what I write, but my intent when I write is never to criticize anyone.

    Avivah

  • The power of smiling at your children

    The power of smiling at your children

    In the last few days, several children have told me things they appreciate about our family and at the risk of sounding self-inflating, I’m going to share them over the next few posts.

    ————————

    Recently ds11 came home and told me, “I never knew what a nice family we had!”

    Knowing that didn’t come out of the blue, I asked him what he meant.

    He told me, “Well, I thought we had a nice family but you know, sometimes brothers are annoying. But I see that really everyone in our family is very nice and treats each other nicely.

    And whenever we come home, you always smile at us and say nice things like ‘I’m so happy to see you!’ Not everyone does that.”

    (My kids are very careful about not speaking negatively about others, so they won’t directly say if they see something at the home of someone else or anywhere else that they don’t like. And as interesting as I would find specific feedback, I don’t encourage that kind of discussion.)

    Believe me, I’ve had years of complaints and suggestions about how I could do things better! It’s nice when they start to have a more appreciative eye.

    I was struck by how much a smile meant to my son.  Smiling at your child doesn’t seem like such a big deal, does it? It really isn’t a major action to take, but it has the power to make a person feel warm and loved inside. And the absence of that smile was striking enough for my son to think about how much he appreciated the family he has.

    Avivah