Here we are, a year after dd6 and ds6 arrived at our home. In some ways this year has gone so quickly but at the same time, it’s been full of intensity and opportunities to stretch myself as a human.

Last week I had a meeting with the therapist who I’m mandated to meet with for parenting guidance. Since neither of us feel that would be a beneficial use of our time, what she’s instead helping me with is to navigate the logistics of dealing with a system that seems more adept at making life difficult for foster parents and foster children than supporting them. I need to build a paper trail to protect myself when the next committee meeting takes place, and these meetings are an important part of that.

I didn’t know when I first met this therapist that she was the expert involved from the first day the twins were removed from their biological home, who provided guidance and direction to the social worker in their first foster home. I assumed on meeting us it was her first experience with them.

She’s made a couple of comments that indicated she knew much more about their background than I do. At our last meeting she said something more specific about the harm they experienced than what my statements to her would reflect. I told her I specifically asked about details regarding their background before they came, and was told they didn’t experience what she seemed to be referencing.

She replied that she understands why I was told that, because it’s not written in their paperwork outright. She explained that she’s seen every report and evaluation on the twins from the time they were removed, and combined with her expertise with the foster care system and knowledge of who the parents are, she is able to fill in the blanks of some aspects of their previous home life. She told me the reason I was given for their removal is only a contributing factor to a child being removed, never the exclusive reason.

She is working on writing a detailed narrative that will accompany their file to fill in these blanks so all the professionals involved better understand what their history is. Right now the official story is much more mild than the reality and that is important to correct because there is currently active discussion taking place about letting the twins visit their parents outside of the supervised environment that they now meet in.

A number of times I’ve wondered what was the cause of their significantly delayed emotional and intellectual development. The background described to me didn’t seem to account for what I was seeing. The therapist’s statements confirmed my suspicions that the home environment was much more damaging than I was told.

I’ve been told by several people involved that the twins’ situation is considered unusually complex, and this therapist told me the only thing that gives her any hope about them is that they came to our home. She is matter of fact and even understated when she speaks, not given to hyperbole. She stated it was “a literal miracle that that they were placed with you, because you have the capacity to hold all of their complexities and there are very few people who could do that.” I understood she wasn’t using the word ‘miracle’ casually or lightly.

She went on to explain that eighty percent of children in Israel who are removed from their families are placed into institutions. (In most countries the statistics are reversed; eighty percent go into foster homes and only twenty percent go into institutional care.) This would have been the expected placement for the twins. She said that absent the emotional care that they need to heal, many children from hard places become sociopathic and end up in closed institutions/mental wards; this is what she described as the predictable trajectory for the twins if they hadn’t come to us. She soberly concluded, “When you agreed to take them, you saved their lives”.

Obviously there was a lot I didn’t know when I was approached about taking the twins, but what I felt then and continue to feel is that this is the mission that G-d sent us. At times it’s asked more of me than I wanted to give and at times it’s been more gratifying and enjoyable than I anticipated, but from the very beginning and every day since I’ve felt we’re partnering with G-d.

Avivah

Sometimes I wonder how foster parents can work outside of the home. I have so many meetings that I simply wouldn’t be able to do all that is necessary if I weren’t home full-time. When I exclaimed over last week’s five meetings and this week’s four meetings to my husband, he asked me if it was more than I bargained for when we took the twins.

I thought as a foster parent for over six years when they came that I knew what was involved, but their situation is much more demanding than I anticipated. He asked me if I ever regretted agreeing for them to come to us. I told him that the hard parts are balanced out by the children’s progress being much better and faster than I expected. While I believe in the amazing power of connection in healing, I didn’t dream that we would see the gains we’ve seen in the time frame they’ve been with us. No, I don’t regret having them come even though their situation makes demands of me in ways I didn’t expect.

Two of last week’s meetings were with therapists for each of the twins.

Dd6 has weekly play therapy sessions; two weeks just her with her therapist, the next week I join her, the following week my husband joins her, then we both meet with the therapist the week after.

Her therapist doesn’t usually write reports but is making an exception for us due to the need for documentation that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Before going over the report, she told us that while she doesn’t in any way condone the skepticism and hostility of the guardian ad litem, she understands the challenge the GAL is having in processing who we are and what we’ve done for the kids.

She said that in over twenty years she’s never met parents like us in her professional or social spheres. She detailed many things she’s seen us do and how we do them, and said she keeps asking herself how we can be real, how is it possible for parents to do all that we do.

Her feedback for my husband was that he does well with dd and while she can give him some tips, it’s not necessary. He’s glad for the opportunity to get some guidance because there are behaviors that are typical for foster children that are hard to navigate that make it unpleasant to be around them. The therapist said he doesn’t need lessons from her, that I understand how to interact with them, but there’s something nice about a neutral person being the presenter of information. (Prior to this meeting, when my husband came home from his first session with dd he commented it was striking to him that the therapist sounds just like me when she speaks to dd. Since this meeting, he’s consciously paying attention to the way I communicate with them.)

I found it fascinating to hear the interpretation of dd’s play as it relates to her inner world. She explained that children don’t talk about their feelings; what they do is transfer their feelings onto the items or toys they interact with and it’s by observing what they say and how they play that their inner feelings are revealed.

For example, for several weeks dd took paintbrushes from one container and transferred some of them to another container, each time explaining that the brushes are moving to a new house and are happy in their new house because it’s good for them there. The therapist explained this is an expression of dd’s feelings of being happy about moving to our home.

She also noted that when dd played with a mother hamster and her baby, she put them each in different containers, stating that it’s good for the parent and children to be in different houses (alluding to her bio parents).

I didn’t have this awareness before of what play can reveal and am now listening with a more attuned ear to the things that the children say when they play.

In her report she stated that overall dd’s emotional health is good. She is impressed with how far dd has come in such a short time (she said she wants to learn from me what I did), and attributes it to her having received therapeutic parenting around the clock from the beginning.

She also commented that dd6 feels very secure and trusting of me, and this is remarkable after such a short time (eleven months feels like a long time to me but the therapist said this is a very short time to see these results).

Something else she talked about is how highly effective an emotional regulator I am for dd. Sometimes I feel self-conscious that to a casual onlooker I might seem controlling or nitpicky with dd (and ds6 as well), when in fact she needs a lot of external help regulating herself. It’s a reassurance to know someone is seeing what I’m doing and recognizing how powerful and important it is, rather than thinking I’m too strict. I’m very consistent and clear with dd about boundaries of all sorts, all the time.

It’s nice to hear expert feedback like this. Someone recently asked me about foster care and I stressed that while your average child can tolerate sloppy parenting, foster children can’t. They need skilled and specific parenting that takes into account their trauma background. It’s not enough to be a nice and well-intended person. That person kind of dismissed my comments and I realize that what I do to untrained eyes doesn’t look much different than being a nice parent. This therapist was able to recognize many purposeful things that I do with dd that are helping to facilitate her emotional healing, and it was validating to have that recognized.

I’m hesitant to write the above since it might seem that I’m tooting my own horn, and for that reason didn’t share the full report as it regards to me. I’m extremely grateful and gratified that dd is doing so well and it’s wonderful to be able to to be part of the process. But what I’m doing isn’t magic that only the lucky few have access to. There are ways of effectively interacting with children that can be learned.

Avivah

I shared in my last post the steps I took before Shabbos to set up a supportive framework to help address the bullying issue. The final step was his big brothers.

On Friday night, my twenty five year old son went into that shul with ds7 and ds11, and asked a kid if he was X. “No,” the boy exclaimed, and then asked, “Are you his father?
The principal already dealt with him. Are you here to hit him because of what he did? “

My son responded using the same language the boy used, “No, but I’m here to tell him he’s going to get hit if he hits this boy (ds11) again.”

“That boy has older brothers,” the boy told him.

“He (our eleven year old) also has older brothers,” my son said.

“But his older brothers are gangsters!” warned the boy. (Probably true.)

“His older brothers are even bigger gangsters!” my son said. (Definitely very far from it.)

That was Friday night. The next morning, my twenty five year old, eighteen year old, sixteen year old and fourteen year old went into that shul together to find the bullies. As soon as they walked in, all the younger boys in the shul started asking them if they were there to deal with X (last name of two of the boys who attacked my son).

My sons learned that the teenage brother of those kids was there, told him his brothers had attacked their younger brother and his younger brothers needed to apologize to our son.

“They aren’t here. But tell me where you live and they’ll come to your house to apologize,” he answered. Yeah, right.

The younger boys present in shul hastened to show them which boys were the ones they wanted – right in the same room. I was a little surprised when I heard about this afterwards that there’s so little loyalty to their friends.

One of my teens was itching to take these violent kids into the field and beat them for the things they’ve done to younger kids in our shul, not only his sibling. He’s watched things happen for the last four years that are reflective of deep systemic issues and he’s burning at the injustice.

These boys are really problematic kids and a strong physical response probably would have been best, though I warned all of my boys not to lay a hand on any of them, no matter how provocative they were. (That son told me afterward that as angry he was, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hurt a younger child who wasn’t actively at that moment doing something wrong.)

There are some in that community with a criminal history or mental health issues and my sons were aware they have to be careful not to paint a target on the back of our family and trigger older siblings/parents who could retaliate with a level of violence that goes beyond normal disagreements. Whatever they did, it had to be something that no one could find fault with.

They had a verbal exchange with the boys who hurt my son, who vigorously denied any wrongdoing. My son doing the talking persisted and told them they know they’re the ones behind the attacks. The older one protested (with a wounded angelic expression), “No, I never hurt anyone. Tell me the name of even one person that I hurt,” he challenged.

“XX,” my son told him. The boys were clearly taken aback that we knew the names of other kids they had attacked. When they refused to apologize, my boys went over the older sibling again.

They told them his younger brothers were right there (obviously he knew that and was lying previously), and said they needed to apologize right then. They did, though my eleven year old was so frightened to see his attackers speaking to him that he hid behind his older brother’s back when they apologized. They thought that was funny and were smirking until one of my teens asked them in a hostile tone if they thought that was amusing. It wiped the smile off very quickly.

A couple of adults came over to see why my sons were there, since their presence was unusual. One was a neighbor, and when he heard that a group of boys had jumped my son and attacked him, he told us that if anything ever happens again to our son, to tell his son (who is part of this peer group) that he needs to tell us who was involved (rather than stay silent and protect his friends).

Overall we were satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t dramatic, but we did what we could and hopefully it will be helpful in preventing more children from being hurt.

On Sunday I was driving my (almost) eighteen year old to the bus stop to go back to yeshiva. We stopped to let someone cross at the crosswalk, who nodded his head in a friendly way to my son. My son ignored him. The young man did it again, more deliberately, and my son still didn’t move even a muscle in his face as he looked back at him. I asked why he wasn’t acknowledging him and he told me it was the older brother of the kids who hurt my son.

I told him even if he is convinced the older brother is a two faced liar and he can’t stand to look at him, it might be beneficial to be civil so they see us as people they don’t want to harass, rather than be seen as the enemy. We’re walking a fine line right now between trying to get the wrongs addressed and staying on good terms with the adults in that community.

Does this story end here?

My married daughter on Shabbos morning was walking to my house when she passed a younger boy walking in the opposite direction. She also saw kids who were hiding across the street start to come out towards him (presumably to attack him). She turned around to watch him so the bullies would know he wasn’t alone; simultaneously, four men came out of their shul towards the boys. She couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence of not, but I would like to think they all came out because members of their community are now (after the behind the scenes conversations and police involvement) cognizant of the need to keep an eye on what these kids are doing.

Is this something that will be sustainable long term? No. They need security cameras and a police presence for an extended period so that it’s clear to all that the protection of the children is a priority and is being taken seriously.

If at the very least these bullies understand they shouldn’t touch my son, there’s been some gain but I can’t know that yet. That would be a significant gain. At the same time, I want all the kids in the community to be safe, not just my own child.

Avivah

On Shabbos morning, my eleven year old son with Down syndrome was walking to shul when a group of boys on the other side of the street ran over, pushed him to the ground into the bushes and kicked him.

I was on my way to shul with the younger kids when I saw him coming towards home. Since he had left to go to shul a bit earlier, I was surprised to see him and asked him what was going on. He told me he came to tell me what happened to him, that some boys hurt him.

When I get very angry, I get very quiet and don’t say a lot. I comforted him and he walked back to shul with us. As we were coming towards where the attack happened, I saw two kids glance in our direction and run away. I asked him if he saw the kids who did it and he said it was them, but of course I only saw their backs.

I wanted to find the culprits immediately, but I was with all four of the younger kids and our dog (he has anxiety about being left at home alone). I didn’t want the incident to pass without any reaction from us. I waited outside the shul for a couple of minutes until I saw other kids come out and called out to them, “Are you the ones who hurt my son?”

They asked who my son was (he had run ahead of me at that point) and when I indicated him, one of them told me it wasn’t him, that he had even given him a bag of chips. So who was it, I insisted. They gave me a name, and told me the boy’s father had come out and taken care of the issue. I doubted the way it was addressed would be adequate but thanked the boy for what he shared with me.

Before I got into shul, two girls about nine or ten were waiting for me to tell me my son had been attacked. One of them was a neighbor and she witnessed what happened. I asked them for details of what she saw. After shul her mother spoke to me. She had preceded me to shul and seen my son looking very sad on his way home. She asked him why he looked so sad, he told her and she had gone to that shul to find out who was involved. She got the same name that I had and one other. Since I heard that one boy involved was a visitor and one attends another shul, I thought they were might be giving me the names of those two boys to throw people off from the main instigators.

After the Purim morning megilla reading (Sunday), two women were waiting to speak to me. They heard about what happened to my son and wanted to offer their help. They were brainstorming what to do about this situation, since for weeks this group of boys have been sitting outside of the shul, waiting for younger and more vulnerable kids from our shul to pass when there are no adults in side. Then they run over and hurt them. They offered to buy special candies for my son so he could give them to the boys if they came to hurt him.

Generally I’m very patient even with things I disagree with but I had no tolerance for this idea, and I forcefully told them absolutely not. You don’t reward bullies for hurting you, and become a cringing pathetic creature trying to curry favor.

A couple of days passed with Purim and then Shushan Purim, and the next morning (Tuesday) I got busy. I did some research and learned where these boys went to school. After a two hour meeting at dd6’s kindergarten, I went to the boys’ school to speak with the principal. He had just left, so while I waited for him to return I called the representative at the local council who is responsible for addressing communal violence.

She told me she has already heard about the ongoing attacks and is working on finding a solution that addresses the roots, not just a superficial response, and that will take time. Great, I told her, I agree that’s a good thing. And while you’re working on that deeper response, there needs to be police supervision of this area. She said she would speak to the local police officer about it.

I thanked her, got off the phone and then called back to get the officer’s number to speak to him myself.

Then I went back to the school and found out the principal had returned. Since they don’t allow women on the premises, I waited outside the front gate while they called him and told him I was there to speak to him. Almost immediately, an obnoxious boy ran over and demanded to know who I was and what I was doing there. What is it with the kids in this community that so many of them are so obnoxious?, I wondered to myself. Then another boy ran over and asked if I was ds’s mother, and if I was there because boys hurt him. Yes, I nodded. The second boy said to the first, your brother was one of the ones that hurt him. Very interesting, I thought, just as the principal arrived.

There’s no question that within a short time all of the kids at the boys’ school knew I was there because of what happened to my son; I could almost feel the news spreading.

I told the principal what happened and that I needed his help to address what had happened with his students. He tsked tsked in sympathy, and said the shul isn’t his jurisdiction. I told him I understand that but that there needs to be a response so these boys know what they’re doing isn’t acceptable and it’s not being ignored. He told me he’s willing to do whatever he can to help me, and asked if I know who’s involved. I told him the two boys at the gate knew what happened, and gave him the name of another boy who was present and can tell him who everyone was. Since these boys are from a different shul, none of the kids attacked knew who they were, and until now I don’t think anyone has had names to work with. I didn’t give the two names I was given because I didn’t want to throw everything off by mentioning them and being told they weren’t his students, since I knew the majority of the kids involved are from that school.

He right away began investigating, while the security guard sitting there mentioned he knows my son. He told me his son is the driver of my son’s school van and likes my son a lot, and mentioned how nice it was that I gave him mishloach manos. It was a nice and unexpected connection, and we chatted for a few minutes about other things. Then he told me it was a shame I don’t have names because it would help if they know who is involved. I told him I have a couple of names, and told him the last name of one boy.

He repeated the name and exclaimed, that’s the boy who started talking to you when you got here! He asked for the other name, and when I said it, he made a face like it made sense, then told me these are both very problematic kids. He called over the principal so I could give him the names.

I was glad to know I had the names of the actual ringleaders. From there, I went home and found my husband talking to a visitor who was using our printer. I mentioned where I had come back from, and the visitor told me his son was attacked on Purim morning by this same group, and then later in the day the kids hid close to his home and three brothers attacked his son when he went out by himself. He knew the first names of two brothers involved, so now I had some more detail.

Since I had another school meeting, this one for ds6, my husband went out to meet my son’s school van when it arrived. He spoke to the driver and the man who accompanies the kids, who both go to that shul. He told them what happened to our son and what boys were involved, and asked what could be done. They said these children are from the negative part of their community and it was clear from the response that they create a lot of havoc.

Meanwhile, from my meeting I went to pick up dd6 from kindergarten, which is located on a larger campus where the daughter of that shul’s rave runs the afternoon program. She’s the mother of a large family and I’ve met her casually a couple of times. As with the principal, I wanted to speak to her in person because a personal connection is better created in person, rather than making phone calls or sending emails. I waited for her to be available, then told her about what happened. More tsk tsking in sympathy.

I appreciate the sympathy, but what I want action is taken to prevent any other children from being hurt, and I told her so. I told her this isn’t about my specific child, but about all the children from our shul. She told me that her father has taken care of every incident he’s heard about. While I appreciate that, I suggested that more needs to be done if he’s addressed it and it continues to happen. She said these children come to shul without their parents and don’t have anyone supervising them. I proposed that the adults in their shul set up some kind of supervision so that this doesn’t happen again. She didn’t think that was a good idea, but said she would call her father right away to talk to him about this.

That night I told my fourteen and sixteen year olds that I had been working on addressing what happened to my eleven year old on Shabbos. They asked me what I was talking about. I was taken aback that seemingly everyone in the community knows my son was attacked – everyone except my boys. I didn’t talk about it on Shabbos, because as I said, my focus was on thinking about what to do, not talking. They were furious.

The next morning I spoke with my twenty five year old son who will be coming for Shabbos. My seventeen year old will also be coming home for Shabbos (he comes on alternate weeks). I told him I’m not relying on the city council, the principal or the shul rav to keep our son safe.

I put forward the idea that they go to that shul together with my fourteen and sixteen year olds. Maybe my husband will go, maybe my eleven year old will go but definitely the four of them. We have to work out the specifics. My boys aren’t massive but they’re not small; two are over six feet and while the others aren’t as tall, only 5’9 and 5’10, they all have a good presence. I’ve raised them all not to use physical force to solve problems even though every one of them is very capable of physically defending himself. I want the message to get out that my eleven year old has big brothers looking out for him and if they mess with him again, his brothers are going to respond. My older son agreed that’s a good approach. If I’m right in my assessment of these kids, they don’t respect nice words – they respect might.

I received a text message from the city council representative saying the police officer was in touch with one of their community leader and warned them that they needed to address the issue so it doesn’t happen again, or they would have to take steps to stop it. I was dissatisfied with that response, since after all my conversations, I felt fairly certain that the community members don’t know how to deal with these kids and that the parents aren’t in the picture as a positive force. I hope that I’m wrong about that and am being too pessimistic.

The next day, the representative called me and we spoke for another twenty minutes. I was very forceful in my insistence that this needs to be addressed and we have to be realistic that a verbal warning is unlikely to be sufficient. I gave her the names of the ringleaders and told her it’s important to stop what’s going on because if we don’t, it’s going to escalate. I explained that these kids will unquestionably become juvenile delinquents and the kids themselves and both communities involved will benefit from them a strong response right now.

She asked for details of the ages of kids attacked and the times it’s happening. I told her, and also said there needs to be a police presence for those two hours of the morning. She said they don’t have the manpower. I warned her that while everyone is our community is doing their best to maintain peace, there’s a lot of anger from other parents who feel that their children aren’t being protected and the city council is turning a blind eye. While I’m the one making the calls, this isn’t about just me and my son. Again, when I speak with people I want to create allies and that doesn’t happen by attacking people, but I spoke to her as strongly as possible and detailed things that have happened in the past, the challenges involved in this specific situation, and how critical it was that they take this very seriously.

I also made some very specific suggestions as to how the police officer deal with the children involved and their parents. I don’t know if this will be conveyed. I would like to speak to him in person as well, but if I have any sort of conversation with him, that won’t happen until next week.

Before this call, I was planning to speak to the mayor in person that day to request the police presence begin immediately this Shabbos. But my seven year old was home with me, I had been up since 4 in the morning, and I was tired by the time the representative and I finished speaking at around noon. I didn’t know what the mayor’s hours were and didn’t have the energy to go running around with my son in tow to try to catch him. I decided to wait a little longer and give everyone involved the time to work on this situation.

While I’m taking the action that I can, I know that it’s not my efforts that will create change and we need heavenly assistance to succeed. I’m appreciative of all prayers on our behalf that this violence against children is resolved quickly.

Avivah

I’ve been struggling lately with some things going on after the last committee meeting for the twins. I can jokingly say that parenting by committee is not for wimps but honestly it’s so defeating that last week I felt like quitting – not because of the kids and the complexity of their issues, which I feel capable of dealing with, but because of the system.

Recap: the kids are doing amazingly in every area by everyone’s (sometimes grudging) opinion, far better than anyone expected, and certainly not in nine months. Their emotional and psychological health was given token attention at the committee because they needed to focus on what’s really important.

Dd’s bedroom – it must be pink, have two pictures on the wall and a rug between the beds. I already bought the sheets (with unicorns and rainbows), curtains and rug and am still looking for suitable wall hangings. While it looks cute, as I was hanging the curtains and changing the sheets there was resentment instead of pleasure to have been dictated to in this way. I was warned by someone who knows the person involved, who said she can and will pull the kids if we don’t do exactly what she said.

The other complaint was that dd’s clothing drawer needs to be better organized. I don’t think I previously mentioned that our visitor had all the kids open their closets and drawers for inspection when she came. Even though she had asked specific questions about how dd gets dressed and knew that dd chooses her clothing herself (with my guidance to make sure things match) and therefore jumbles her clothing in the process, this is something I’ve been told needs to be corrected. It’s frustrating because I already organize her drawer every day or two when I put clean clothes in, and the focus on this drawer when the entire house was neat and the boys’ drawers were organized is ridiculous to me.

Those were the official complaints. Sounds good? Let’s continue.

Onto the bio parents feedback. They see the children once or twice a month for an hour during supervised visitation. I was surprised that they acknowledged that the kids seem to be doing very well; I didn’t think they would have that level of awareness even though the change in the kids is visible.

When they spoke to the committee they claimed the children have dirty fingernails, ds smells like urine, they wear clothes that don’t fit properly, they don’t bathe regularly and I don’t tend to their appearance. I was taken aback when I heard this but more shocked that what they said was being considered as evidence.

Ironically, all of these claims were what was said about them and documented for months before the kids were removed from their care. My husband and I both believe they’re trying to make a case against us because they want to get the kids back, and these are things they know are a problem.

We not only have a thirty year history of parenting visibly well-cared for children, we’ve been foster parents for seven years and had monthly social worker visits and school checks all that time. Not only have we never received a complaint, but I get regular compliments on how cute dd always looks (people don’t usually comment on boys’ attire). The teachers have all told the social worker the kids are always clean and dressed appropriately, and dd’s teacher filed a report in which she stated that dd’s hygiene and clothing was at the highest level – which the social worker has seen herself every time she’s done a school or home visit.

None of the facts matter, and I was perplexed why the statements of the parents were being taken as evidence of my neglectful care, particularly in light of their own history. It’s typical of bio parents whose children are in foster care to be very critical of small details; that’s a known phenomenon. But why is the positive testimony that contradicts these false claims being ignored?

It also seems irrelevant how amazing the progress of the children has been.

We are now mandated to have twice monthly meetings with the social worker with a walkthrough of our home each time. Previously she came once a month. We had a walkthrough once before ds7 came as part of the approval process, then never again. For the twins, we had a walkthrough/inspection prior to them coming, and then again when the guardian ad litem came. So having inspections twice a month is out of the norm, particularly when there was nothing wrong except the two points above (lack of pink and the jumbled clothing drawer).

Our social worker is embarrassed to have to do this and has told me though it’s completely unnecessary she has no choice.

Additionally, the guardian ad litem is planning a surprise visit. She will come unannounced when the kids are home and expect a walkthrough of our home on the spur of the moment. We have no idea when this will be.

This has been very stressful to think about, as she has a very critical eye and no tolerance for a mess, regardless of the circumstances. You can imagine if she was upset about the lack of pink sheets and the clothing in the drawer when the house was very neat, what she’ll say when she comes into an actively lived-in home during the most hectic hours of the day.

I don’t understand how this is legal – in the US, police can’t enter the home of suspected criminals without a search warrant. But I haven’t done anything wrong …and still have to have this imposed on me? Having this person in my home feels unsafe to me.

I told my social worker I can’t understand why I’m being treated with suspicion despite all the evidence to the contrary. It just doesn’t make sense.

Since we’re also now being mandated to have parenting classes every other week, I set up a meeting with dd’s therapist. She called our social worker to find out what is going on and thanks to her, learned something that made the puzzle pieces fall into place.

I knew that my social worker was holding back on things this person said about us (before she ever met us ) from a couple of comments about hoping this person could let go of her prejudices once she met us. At the end of our meeting, our therapist explained that the legal rep won’t believe any of the feedback of teachers who see the kids daily because they are all religious, and “It’s known that charedim have a low standard of hygiene.”

This seems to be why what the parents said is taken as factual – because it supports her bigoted beliefs about religious Jews. It’s clear to me that the truth is irrelevant and nothing I do will change her perspective. In fact, I think she’s looking for something that will validate her strong opposition to us before the kids came, to prove to everyone that she was right to not want them here. She thinks we’re lying and so is anyone else who says something in support of us.

I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated and distressed about this for over a week. I’ve tried very, very hard to see everyone involved in a favorable light but at this point there’s not a bone in my body that believes that what is good for the children is the priority.

I’m being treated like an employee who has to do what she’s told, but social services is the last ’employer’ I’d want anything to do with if not for my desire to help the children. I don’t have a voice at all, I can’t say anything to defend myself or explain during the committee meeting – everything is decided on and then handed down to me without my input or clarification.

Generally I move away from dysfunctional people and unhealthy situations and minimize engagement; I don’t try to defend or justify myself. Now I’m forced to deal with an unhealthy system that I’d rather stay far away from, and I find it upsetting that I have to detail how often I bathe the kids and wash their hair, how often I cut their nails, explain that I dress the children in clothing that fits appropriately, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been tempted to take a picture of the coats I put them in and contrast that with a picture of the oversized coats the parents gave them that will fit them in a year or two (They claimed they had to buy them coats because what I gave them was much too big.) Or to ask the supervisory social worker to note in her report that she has yet to send in, that ds never smelled like urine except for when he wet himself during a visit with his parents because they didn’t take him to the bathroom.

Being told what to do and how to do something will always negatively impact someone’s intrinsic motivation. There was more conversation regarding expanding visitation with their parents and educational choices that may be mandated that may be very different than what we would choose for them, that even further created a question for me as how to stay lovingly engaged with the children when it feels safer for me to detach.

It’s been challenging as I’ve been working through all of these emotions that were stirred up. It’s only today that I found inner calm about it all, and was able to put it all emotionally to the side. It is what it is, and I don’t want to give away my peace of mind to anyone involved.

Avivah