Category Archives: parenting

What I would tell a new parent of a baby with Down syndrome and a fun video featuring Yirmi!

parenting, Trisomy 21,

Friday morning I got a call from our pediatrician, asking if she could pass our phone number to a new mother who just had a baby with Trisomy 21.

Two weeks before that, a blog reader forwarded an email to me about a newborn baby with T21 who is  available for adoption to a religious Jewish family in the US.

Two weeks before that, another blog reader forwarded information to me about a woman in Israel who had given birth to twin boys with T21 who was shattered and devastated.

I gave my number to the doctor for the new mother, was in touch with the contact about adoption for the newborn baby and spoke to the mother of the infant twins.

What would I tell a new parent about raising a child with Down syndrome?

I know, it can feel overwhelming when you get the news.  Maybe your mind is racing and you can’t believe that this has happened to you – this is supposed to happen to ‘other’ people.  And now you’re the ‘other’ person.  Maybe you’re unable to stop crying, maybe you feel that you did something wrong that you’re now being punished for.  All of the doctors and staff (nurses, social worker) who spoke to me gave the impression that this was very sad news.

But I want to share with you a much more accurate perspective.  It’s not sad.  It’s not bad.  It just is.  Your child has been born with a medical difference, and that feels significant.

But it’s not nearly as significant as you might think.  In fact, I would say that the less you pay attention to the diagnosis and the more you connect with him as your baby, the happier you’ll all be.

Here is what I think the most important things are to know in these early days:

  • Raising a child with T21 is pretty much the same as raising any other child.
  • He is capable of so much more than you think – put aside any preconceptions of who he is and what his limitations will be.  No matter what the doctors tell you, they have no more idea than anyone else what his potential is.
  • Trust his potential and support his process in the way that is right for who he is, not who you think he should be.  He doesn’t have to prove himself.
  • Most importantly, just love him.  You are going to get so much love back.  One day you’re going to look back and remember how you cried and felt devastated when he was born, and wish you could redo your initial response to reflect all the joy your child has brought into your life.

****************************

I just discovered this short video that ds8 and ds3 recently made together when I was out of the room. They aren’t supposed to touch my computer without permission but I was glad to have it and am sharing it with you because it’s an spontaneous and unscripted slice of our every day life with a child who happens to have T21.  I’d love to know what your reaction to this video is!

********************************

When a child with T21 is born, there’s an assumption hanging over his head that he’s less inherently worthy because he’s different.  We presume that having differences is a bad thing.

It’s really not.

But because of this negativity surrounding Down syndrome, parents feel like there’s been a mistake somewhere, something unfair has happened to them that shouldn’t have happened.

There are no mistakes in this world.  Your child isn’t a mistake.  His entrance into your family isn’t a mistake.  You were divinely chosen to receive this child.

Not because you’re spiritually better than anyone else and ‘can handle it’.  Not because you are worse than anyone and ‘he is your test’.

He is a child with unique gifts and abilities.  He will shift your paradigm of parenting, he will teach you things you didn’t know you needed to know – and my personal feeling is that we won the lottery against all odds when Yirmi was born!

Avivah

Increasing the relaxation and fun in my life – coloring for adults

homemaking, parenting, personal development

In the last year I’ve been consciously increasing my level of self-care.  Putting yourself first is something that intellectually I’ve believed in but not put enough focus on in the busyness of day to day living and taking care of all of those around me.

As a result of my increased focus on self-care, my life feels more sane and balanced.  This is despite my week being more full than ever teaching parenting classes and working with private clients, in addition to homeschooling five children and my other responsibilities.

I continue to look for ways to increase my self-nurturing, and when someone mentioned the idea of coloring books for adults, I was intrigued.  Coloring has been found to help people unwind, destress and get into a meditative state that accesses the right side of the brain.  I frequently attach my shaded doodles to whatever scrap of paper happens to be in front of me when I’m on the phone so coloring in detailed artistic scenes sounded enjoyable to me.

It’s interesting to me that coloring for adults has become so popular and yet for children there are many voices who maintain that coloring blocks creativity!  While telling a child what and how to color can be constraining, letting him color as he wants isn’t the same thing.  I see it as a nice way to be quietly mindful and focused on what is in front of you without having your mind racing with thoughts about other things you need to do.  Most kids can benefit from some time to calm down and do a focused activity just as much as adults.

My kids have been watching me color three different pages of mandalas and it’s piquing their interest to do something similar.  This morning ds8 told me it looked fun and when I asked if it looked like something he would enjoy, he nodded with an eager smile.  I’ll keep my eyes open for something detailed but simpler than what they have for adults.

I purchased a basic set of colored pencils but these didn’t give a strong enough color for me to feel satisfied with the result.  Then I got a set of markers and colored pens, and so far like the colored pens best.  The markers would be great if the tip was finer.  Ideally I’d like a wide range of colors to use but only the artist quality colored pencil sets had that, and I’m not yet ready to invest $100 on them!

This is an inexpensive activity that can take as much or as little time as you have, and I’m enjoying it.  It’s gratifying that instead of my scratching covering little scraps of paper, I end up with lovely pictures instead.

The only downside I can think of is if you feel pressured to finish a picture in one setting and then push yourself to spend more time than you have available to complete it.  But that’s the same issue that comes up with many other hobbies and activities.

Avivah

Your Role of a Parent – Let Go of the Dog Training Mentality

parenting

Have you ever thought about what the role of a parent is?  It may sound theoretical, but it’s extremely important since how you answer it affects everything you do with your child!

My response to this question is: the role of parents is to mentor and guide their children through childhood and give them the tools to become healthy, self-directed adults. To be healthy and self-directed includes being able to manage and motivate themselves, who know what they want and can take the necessary steps to achieve it, who have integrity between what they say and what they do, and who takes responsibility for their emotions and actions.

This is a lofty ideal and one that most of us would agree with, but the day to day reality most of us are living is that we’re caught up in managing the behavior of our children.  We want them to think and respond and behave in the ways that we have decided are appropriate, and we take actions in order to get those results.

dog-training-12.298144045_std[3]This view of parenting is remarkably similar to the way dog owners are instructed to get compliance of their animals!  But raising human beings should be very different from training animals.

If we continue with a ‘dog training’ mentality, we’re going to run into a problem.  What happens if we are successful in continually molding our child’s response to every given situation without taking into account what they want?

There are three common responses from children who are raised with a high level of behavioral management:

1) They internally submit to our will and become passive, waiting for the cues of others to determine what course of action they should take.

2) They externally submit to our will but feel inwardly rebellious and look for ways to express that.

3)  They externally rebel against our will and clearly act in ways contrary to what we have taught them.

So here’s the irony.  The more successful we are at making our children act a certain way, the less likely we are to be successful in helping them become adults who are emotionally autonomous.  Being controlled creates qualities and responses in a person that don’t lead to being self-directed.

Is it bad to want your children to behave well, to treat each other kindly, to speak to you respectfully, and to pick up their toys?

No, absolutely not.  It’s not the goal that’s the problem but the way you go about achieving it!

But if we’re not aiming for control, what’s left?  To just let our kids do whatever they want?

We replace control with influence.  Our power as parents lies in our connection with them and being a model of the qualities we want them to have.  As we work on ourselves, we can interact with our children from a place of integrity and actively teach them to practice these same principles of self-management that we are modeling.

It’s a challenge to shift from controlling your children to controlling yourself!  But this is where the real work of parenting takes place.

Avivah

More about the shidduch dating system

marriage, parenting

A huge thank you to my internet server (who also provides my filter) for figuring out why my internal control panel on my blog has been blocked from me for the last week!

Today I’ll (finally!) respond to some concerns/questions that were expressed about the shidduch system after my last post.

As highly as I think of the shidduch approach, that doesn’t mean that I’m oblivious to areas where there is room for improvement.  But the minute my children entered shidduchim, I decided I would no longer engage in theoretical conversations about the drawbacks.

You can be part of the problem or you can be part of the solution.  If I were to complain and have an intellectual discussion with no intent to actually do anything, I might be able to convince you or even myself that in some way I was doing something positive by raising awareness.  Sounding convincing isn’t the same as being productive.  I want to draw positive energy into my life, and complaining doesn’t flow with my goals and intentions.

>>Shidduch dating works as long as the kids are from what deemed to be “right” families and “right” background. If you have anything going against you (BT, ger, foreigner, handicap, weird), the system will not set you up with good matches, but with nebachs.<<

I don’t agree with this at all.  The ‘system’ doesn’t set up anyone! The system is made up of individuals who put their time into helping others find a life partner. Some of these people won’t be tuned into you and what you want, and won’t be very helpful. Others will have a more accurate sense of who would be suited to you, and make suggestions accordingly.

When people think about who will be a good match for someone, they look at the most obvious factors first – someone who has a similar background/life path.  Converts and baalei teshuva are often matched because they share a similar path that is harder for someone who hasn’t had that journey to relate to. Someone with a disability is likely to be matched with someone with a disability.  Someone from a certain culture is often suggested to someone of the same culture.

I’m uncomfortable with the comment that anyone in one of these categories won’t be set up with a ‘good match’, because it implies that only those outside of these categories are ‘good’.

There’s no such thing as any one person who is ‘perfect’.  There’s only the person who is ‘perfect’ for you!  Since every person has their divinely ordained match, he will be the perfect match for the person that is right for him.  And he won’t match those he isn’t meant to match.

Everyone is looking for something else and cares about different things.  And what seem like drawbacks really are just factors to help you in the winnowing and sifting process of finding your soul mate.

>>I am Russian, and, although I was lucky to meet my husband very early on in the game, the fact that I was being set up with other Russians over my objections, whose level of observance, or whose goals did not corresponded to mine, was just an example of how things go wrong.<<

I understand that hearing suggestions that weren’t a good fit for one’s goals other than sharing the same cultural background can be hurtful.  But it’s very important when in shidduchim to know what you want and to be consistently clear in communicating that.  No one is forced to go out against their objections. If someone doesn’t like a suggestion, they say they’re not interested and they don’t go out. If someone feels pressured and goes out to get someone off their back, they haven’t respected their own needs and boundaries.

I had the experience more than once of feeling pressured to say yes to someone who I didn’t feel was the right match.  I was concerned my explanations of why I didn’t want to say yes would be seen as petty and of course didn’t want to seem superficial.  But more important than my ego was honoring my child’s needs.  So I had to honestly state my position and stick with it even when it was uncomfortable for me.

>>Also, how is all these humble young men feel that it is OK to demand a picture of a girl before agreeing to a date?<<

Is it unreasonable for young people to want to see a picture before agreeing to date someone?

No, it’s not.  I completely understand it.

That doesn’t mean I like it.  Pictures don’t show the most important qualities a person has and could lead to someone saying no to someone based on something superficial that wouldn’t be an issue for them if they got to know the person. It could also lead to someone going out with someone else based on their looks rather than the more important qualities.

Personally, I don’t send pictures of my children and don’t ask for pictures of those who are suggested.  This is typical in charedi circles in Israel.

When I follow up a suggestion, I ask a lot about character but not at all about appearance beyond height and hair color.  I don’t ask if someone is attractive because everyone has their own sense of what that means, and this is heavily influenced by feelings of emotional connection.

>>How can they say that they will not date girls whose fathers will not support them?<<

I assume young men who plan to learn Torah full-time are being referred to in this question although in virtually every community, Jewish or non-Jewish, religious or secular, finances play some part in a couple’s decision making.

Can we honor the right of each person to choose whatever parameters they want when choosing the person they want to spend their life with?  Someone else may not agree with those parameters but that doesn’t make it wrong.

There are young men for whom it is very important to stay in learning long term and look to marry into families that share those values and have the financial capacity to be supportive, and young men who want to stay in learning long term who would rather be financially independent even if it means living a much simpler life.

There are parents who want to support children who are learning Torah full-time who have the financial capacity to do so, and others who don’t have the ability to give that help but feel pressured to give what they don’t have.  Unfortunately, we live in a peer dominated world and most of us are afraid to be honest about who we are and what we can do.

I completely understand that people feel very pressured to do more than they can do because they don’t want their child to be left out in the cold. Shidduchim come from G-d and each person will be sent their soul mate when the time is right for them – not a minute before and not a minute after.  There’s a lot of calm that comes with being able to trust the One who is directing circumstances, rather than thinking our efforts and financial abilities are the most important factors to making a match happen.

Each of us has the power to be the change we want to see in the world.   If there’s something I don’t like about how shidduchim are conducted, then I don’t have to engage in it.  My responsibility is to make the choices that are in alignment with my values and accept that others will make the decisions that they make.  The choices others make are totally out of my control.

>>What does it mean to check someone out? And what kind of criteria do you look for?<<

The way it works is this. An introductory suggestion is made to one side first.  The parent (or whoever is handling it) asks for the basic details to see if the suggestion is in the right ball park.  If based on the initial description shared it sounds interesting to that side, the introductory suggestion is made to the other side. Once both sides agree that the idea sounds compatible at the most basic level, then references are exchanged and each side starts researching to get more specific information.  (This is time consuming and part of why you don’t see as many posts from me – I spend several hours a week looking into shidduchim suggested instead of blogging :).)

If after all these inquiries are made and both sides want to move forward, the couple goes out. Often during this process one side will agree and the other won’t.  Sometimes someone will feel hurt when they want to meet and the other side isn’t interested.

A good friend told me it’s a blessing when someone says no and to be grateful, because it’s clearly not for you and you don’t need to spend any additional time and emotion on it.  I’ve come to completely agree with her.  Any time the other side says no, I’m so glad that they saw something that gave them clarity that the match wasn’t a good fit.  I hope others feel similarly when the ‘no’ comes from our side!

Different people have different priorities when making these inquiries.  My priorities are: a mature, responsible and emotionally healthy young adult who comes from an emotionally healthy home, who is compatible with my child in terms of personality and life direction (and height :)).

My son would like to learn long term, and the amount of financial support has never once been a factor in me saying yes or no.  I’ve said ‘no’ to young women whose parents had the means and desire to purchase an apartment for the young couple and said ‘yes’ to young women whose parents who can’t give anything.  I have never once put financial support ahead of my primary criteria.   My job is to help my child find someone with whom he/she can build a happy marriage and meaningful shared life.

“The shidduch system can work, but it seems to be bringing out the worst in people, especially when the practitioners are not as highly-minded as they should be.”

What the shidduch system does is bring out who you really are and what you value.  I’ve been amazed by how many special families there are with wonderful children, and regardless of if anything moved ahead with them or not, am honored to have them all be part of my experience.

I don’t know of any other method or any other society that has a success rate like the shidduch system in the Orthodox world.  The success of this system isn’t just the way people are matched up, but the mutual focus on Torah values and living a principled life that includes a focus on self-growth, striving to be better individuals and to be the best spouse/parent you can be.

Is the divorce rate among young charedi couples too high?  Yes.  Should people be more focused on emotional maturity and being prepared for life rather than the external trappings of marriage?  Absolutely.  Is there too often a focus on the material or superficial?  Definitely.

Having imperfect results doesn’t make the system bad.  It simply highlights the importance of doing your research well since everyone in the shidduch world doesn’t share the same values and expectations.  It’s not always easy to navigate the shidduch system but I’m so grateful to be part of it!

Avivah

Why I’m a fan of the shidduch dating system

marriage, parenting

Recently I came across something online about the shidduch/Orthodox dating system about was very harsh and negative.  The shidduch system without a doubt has its problems, because it’s a system and systems can never be individualized to meet the needs of all individuals.  However, it’s overall a very good system with a very high degree of success.

I met my husband almost 24 years ago when the idea was suggested by a couple who knew us both.  We went out seven times over the course of two and a half weeks, and got engaged on our seventh date.  We were engaged for ten weeks, and three months after we met were married.

When I heard about this approach to dating when I was growing up, I couldn’t imagine how it worked.  You hardly know the person, for goodness sakes!  How in the world can you commit to spending your life with someone that you don’t know?

Shidduch dating is the opposite of the casual, ‘try it on to see how you like it and throw it away if you change your mind’ approach toward relationships that is so common in the 21st century.  You would think that if the length/degree of involvement with someone is the most critical factor in determining suitability for marriage, a couple that has lived together prior to marriage should be significantly more likely to have a long term stable marriage.  However, studies have shown that those who live with their partners before getting married have a higher divorce rate and lower rate of marital satisfaction than those who don’t.

What if success in marriage isn’t about how long you know someone, but how committed you are to mutual goals and to one another?  What if you carefully and thoughtfully think about who you are and what kind of person you want to spend your life with, and carefully and thoughtfully go about the dating process to find that person?  What if the system is set up to support you in doing this, and others who are in the system share similar intentions and understandings?

Shidduch dating is very different from being set up on a blind date.  It works because there are some ground rules that set the tone for mature relationships.

  1. Compatibility – In the shidduch dating world, people are matched for compatibility in important areas before they ever meet.  Suggestions are made and then looked into.  Only if both sides agree that the important things match up  does the couple go out to see if they hit it off personality-wise.

2) Commitment – Both parties are going out because they are seriously interested in finding a marriage partner.  There’s mutual clarity on what the purpose of going out is.  You don’t have one person getting attached with hopes that one day it might lead to a long term relationship and five years later the other announces he’s not interested in marriage.   If they don’t emotionally connect after meeting a few times, then they move on and go out with someone else.

3) Focus – When dating, the intention is to get to know the other person. No hanging out for weeks or months with casual chit chat or going to activities where you don’t interact with one another.  That doesn’t mean that shidduch dates aren’t fun! My husband and I enjoyed parks, picnics, restaurants, miniature golf and a museum when we dated.  However, the setting or activity is the backdrop to help someone get to know what the other person is like, what matters to them and what life direction they want to take.  What are their goals and aspirations? What kind of character do they have?

4) No physical contact – Physical contact is like emotional superglue and can prematurely create feelings of connection before a mature emotional context for the relationship is there, clouding one’s judgment about if this is the person they really want to spend the rest of their life with.

You’d be amazed at how much you can get to know someone when you’re meeting in a purposeful and thoughtful way with the intent to see if someone would make a good life partner!

If there are questions you have about the process, please ask and I’ll do my best to address them in a separate post.  

Avivah

Should I have let these boys fight it out and not gotten involved?

parenting

A couple of days ago I was speaking to my older kids about a problem I have with the Harry Potter series – that the adults are all ineffectual, irrelevant, incompetent, missing at times they’re needed or dead.  The kids have to work everything out by themselves, and of course the kids being the heroes is part of what makes the series so compelling.

The next day I was waiting at a bus stop as boys from a local school streamed out at dismissal, when I heard calls of “Fight, fight!” As I stood there, I watched boys trying to get others involved and very quickly there was a growing crowd with boys chanting and egging their school mates to fight.

KidsFightingI looked up and at the top of the steep hill saw two boys who looked like they were in the upper elementary grades pushing each other in a way that was clearly not friendly.  There was one other man who had crossed to see what was happening and I waited for him to do something as I saw his expression of concern, but then realized he wasn’t going to get involved.  What I wanted to do was go back to my bus bench but my conscience was telling me as the only other adult around that would be irresponsible.

I shouted up the hill to where the boys were pushing one another back and forth, “Boys, stop  and come down here right now!”  (This is so embarrassing but it’s the truth, that’s what I did.) Of course it always works really well to raise your voice to show that you have authority in a situation, right?  Ahhh…no.

I always tell parents, don’t raise your voice – get yourself up off the couch and actively get involved when there’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.  Real authority is quiet and calm.  If they hadn’t been up a hill that I didn’t think I could easily climb, I would have walked over and started speaking to them from the start instead of raising my voice, but that wasn’t the case so I made the mistake of trying to borrow power.

Some kids moved away but the main players didn’t budge.  In for a penny, in for a pound… I hiked up the steep hill, told the kids watching to go down, and spoke to the kids involved from two different schools.  After taking a few minutes to hear them out and them agreeing to let it go, I went back down the hill and all the boys who had gathered around went back to wait for their rides home.  It was over for this time, at least.

I planned to call the administration the next day to suggest this area be monitored at dismissal by someone able to facilitate a peaceful resolution since the boys told me it was a daily issue.  A teacher happened to be passing by just as I got to the bottom of the hill  so I spoke to him instead.

I shared what I had just learned with him and he told me they would deal with it the next day, that it was good I got involved – and it seemed to me they weren’t going to do anything and he was trying to politely dismiss me.  (Not that I blame him – if I was a teacher at the end of a long day wanting to get home, I wouldn’t appreciate having to deal with something like this.)

I pointed out the student in his school who could help him understand the issue the next day when (if) they looked into it, and realized by the teacher’s face that he understood the situation much better just by seeing who it was.  My goal wasn’t to get anyone into trouble and I quickly told him they’re all good kids, they just need some help in learning to talk respectfully to others.  He told me my suggestion was very hard, very, very hard (he meant impossible and unrealistic) – and he’s right.

It is impossible to teach kids to communicate respectfully, if it’s not important to you, if you believe it can’t be done, and if the adults involved don’t have the skills themselves.

I went back to the bus stop wondering if I should have just stayed out of the situation and let the kids fight each other.  It wasn’t my kids who were involved, right?  Did I accomplish anything other than breaking it up for that day?  Probably not.

As I waited for my bus I wryly thought about Harry Potter and his friends.  It’s not just in the magical world that we well-intended adults can be ineffectual and irrelevant in the lives of kids.

Avivah

Shifting Parenting Paradigms workshop in Ramat Beit Shemesh

parenting, personal development

paradigm_shift1[1]When I began actively rescripting my thinking and actions at the age of 17, what was most helpful to  me was to participate in an interactive weekly support group that was a combination of learning new information, listening to the experience of others and sharing my experience.  This was crucial support for the most important aspect of learning to live successfully with others –  learning to manage yourself and your emotions.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at CHANGE.” Wayne Dyer

I see many women who – once they’ve learned a given approach – intellectually know what they want to do and how they want to do it.  The academic aspect of sharing a different parenting paradigm can be covered in a given amount of hours. But parenting isn’t an academic process!

In the past I’ve given classes for a set number of sessions but would like to do something different now to create a framework for ongoing learning and mentoring.

mountain-climb-helpThis new group will allow for ample discussion and interaction.  I’ll be speaking about shifting your parenting paradigm, sharing helpful insights and practical tools, and talking about lots of different things that relate to you being a happier, more empowered parent.

We’ll be meeting from 8:30 – 9:30 pm on Sunday evenings at 4 Nachal Sorek, apartment 8, RBS-A, starting this Sunday, Jan. 10.    The first class will be free and give you a sense of my approach and direction.  After that there will be a fee of 100 shekels a month, with a one month commitment.

If you have more questions, feel free to email me at avivahwerner@yahoo.com.

Avivah

Being treated to fresh bagels by ds9

parenting

No, I haven’t fallen off the other side of the world!  My evenings lately have been full with attending the weddings of friends’ children, doing parenting consultations and getting to sleep at a reasonable hour – all of which has limited my writing time here.

My mom arrived for a visit today and for dinner ds9 put together a bagel spread in honor of her coming.

A few weeks ago I was given a stack of Hebrew language magazines that I gave to him, and he discovered that each one had a recipe.  He started by making baguettes (by himself), then asked if he could make bagels.  I thought that was a bit ambitious for a nine year old relatively new to baking to do on his own, but since I try to give my kids support in doing something that interests them I told him he was welcome to go ahead.

He impressed us all and did an amazing job.  They were delicious!  (And when ds16 was home for Chanuka vacation and wanted to make bagels, he turned to ds9 when he had a question on proper procedure – which ds9 answered with forced patience.  :))

Then I found wheat berries at the store and that coincided with someone bringing me the part for the electric grain grinder that has been unusable for a looong time… and for the first time since we left the US in August 2011, we had freshly ground whole wheat flour!

Ds9 has made bagels at least once a week in the last month (which makes us all happy – who wouldn’t be glad to have fresh bagels for lunch or dinner?), and told my mother that he planned to make some for her when she came to visit.  Today he went shopping with me to get additional ingredients he wanted – sesame seeds and dehydrated onions to top the bagels, sliced cheese, cream cheese and hummus as options for the filling.

When we got home, he got busy grinding flour, and decided to make the bagels a mix of white and whole wheat flour since he said it would make the texture better than just whole wheat alone.  It did.

Then he set the table for dinner, put out fresh vegetables, spreads and of course, a stack of his freshly made bagels.  And then…it was amusing how quickly everyone came to the table once he announced dinner was ready.   🙂

I looked over at one point and noticed ds3 eating what looked like everyone else’s very non-gluten free bagels.  When we went shopping, we had bought him gluten-free rolls and ds9 said he could cut a hole from the center so ds3 would feel he was eating a bagel like everyone else.  But what I saw on his plate was most decidedly not the gluten-free rolls that I bought.

Ds3 likes to eat what everyone else is having and sometimes will sneak some bread if he can, and I thought maybe without anyone realizing he had taken a regular bagel.  I asked about it and ds9 told me it was gluten-free.  I wondered aloud how that was possible since it wasn’t the bread I bought.

Ds9 told me he made bagels out of coconut flour and topped them with dehydrated onions so that ds3 would have bagels that looked the same as everyone else’s.  Wasn’t that thoughtful?  (Don’t ask me how he knew how to make a gluten free bagel, I think he made it up!)

Avivah

How to trust yourself – listening to your inner voice instead of everyone else

parenting, personal development

I recently received the following question from a reader, and it’s one that many parents have verbalized to me over the years:

dollarphotoclub_85640637[1]>>”How does one come to access, acknowledge and act on ones own intuition?! and make a habit of doing so?! I would really like to hear your say on this! There are so many of us parents who mean well and sense that there must be a better way, but just can’t take that gargantuan leap to access, acknowledge and act on our own intuition.”<<

I’ll rephrase this the question.  How do you trust yourself and your own sense of what is right to do, when those around you are making different choices and the unspoken (or spoken!) message to you is that you would be wrong to do something different?

There’s not a guide for “Take these 3 easy steps and you, too, can trust yourself no matter what others are telling you!”

It takes courage to recognize what your heart is telling you.  It takes courage to recognize the gap between what you really want in your life and what you have.  And it takes enormous, enormous courage to then take actions based on what your heart is telling you.

self-trust-is-the-essence-of-heroism-confidence-quote[1]

It’s not easy.  Most of us have been trained to look to others on the outside to give us validation and tell us that we’re okay, that we’re enough, that our choices are the right choices.  There’s a metamessage that we live with – if we do what everyone else does, we’ll be safe and have a good life.

When you begin to consider making choices that are different from those around you, you’re suddenly deprived of something that has given you emotional oxygen your entire life – the tacit or active approval  of your friends, family or society.

It’s seductive, that approval.  To act in the absence of the approval we’ve come to depend on will trigger many fears. Fears…

Fear – of being different, of making a colossal mistake, of resulting financial instability.

Insecurity – if no one else does this, how I can even think of trying it?

Compliance – if everyone I respect doesn’t make this choice (religious leaders, parent advisors, educational professionals, child care experts), then it must be wrong.

These fears can be overwhelming.  The fears seem very real and your inner heart’s desire seems very puny in comparison.  And that’s why so many people live a life that is determined by their fears rather than what is truly important to them.

You begin by recognizing the fear and looking at what’s keeping you in fear.  Having the validation of others doesn’t make you okay.  It doesn’t keep you safe, and it won’t make you happy.

You can challenge your fears both intellectually and emotionally. You can fill your mind with positive thoughts, put up inspiring quotes, write affirmations of your self-worth.

You can look at the choices you’ve made in the past that have brought you satisfaction and joy even if it meant pursuing a different path than others.

You can look for mentors, live or virtual, who have some quality that you value and give you encouragement to make the choice that is close to your heart.

I’ve done all of these things.  But what has been the most powerful and helpful approach for me, is to become centered within myself so I can connect to what G-d wants of me.

47b795ec531a19ecff36e0d0aab8a059[1]

I believe we have each been created with a soul that remains connected to its divine source at all times.  The soul’s voice is drowned out by the louder voices of living.  But it knows the answers and if you can connect to your soul, you can connect to the true answers.

When I have a question about what I should be doing I try to get very quiet inside myself and ask G-d: what do You want me to do?  Is this the right thing for me to do at this time?  Is it the right way to go about this at this time?

When I do this, it becomes very clear what the voices of fear are and what are the voices that I should listen to.  It’s not always what I expect.

I can – and do! – get very intellectual in my thoughts but that’s not the place that I can access inner wisdom from.  It’s powerful to be open to Divine perspective and take action from a place of inner spiritual alignment.

Listening to your intuition is like using a muscle.  When it’s inactive for a long time, trusting yourself even with something small is hard.  You build that spiritual muscle by starting with the small things.  When you start with the biggest life decisions it’s overwhelming because your spiritual muscles are so out of use and the fear seems so real!

One action at a time, one choice at a time.  You’ll find plenty of small opportunities in a day to practice listening to your inner voice.

As you start to make those little choices from a centered place of self-trust, you begin to create a positive cycle.  The more you listen to yourself and take action based on self-trust, the stronger you feel and the easier it is to make the next decision that comes along.

Avivah

Lighting a candle in the darkness – light up someone else’s life today!

parenting, personal development

candle_light[1]Years ago my family was travelling from NY to MD and we stopped at a highway rest stop to give everyone a break.  While we were there, we noticed a young mother with two little kids sipping a cup of coffee.  Somehow I started talking to her (my kids don’t know how I end up talking to people wherever we go but that’s how I am!) and she shared that she was headed for home but was so tired that she was worried about driving safely – hence the coffee.

When I learned that she lived in the same general area that we did, I had a powwow with my husband.  He had been driving the first half of the four hour drive so that I could sleep and we planned that I would drive the second half while he rested – this rest stop was halfway through and where we were going to switch places.

I told him about this young mother and asked him if he felt able to drive the rest of the way home.  He said he did. I asked him how he would feel about me offering to drive her home in her car, and he said he thought it would be a good idea if the woman agreed.

Having gotten dh’s okay on this, I approached the young mother.  I told her I was headed in the same direction and would be happy to drive her family in her car if she would find that helpful.  She very gratefully agreed. (I’m a pretty safe looking person, especially since she saw me with my van full of kids.  :))

I told her she could sleep on the way home, but we ended up chatting the entire 1.5 – 2 hour drive.  It was a pleasant drive.  I never saw her again – I don’t remember her name and wouldn’t recognize her face.

Sometimes we have a chance to do something for someone else, something that’s big for us and big for them.  Sometimes it isn’t so big for us but is big for them.  Sometimes it’s something small for someone that is small for us.  It doesn’t matter how huge or how insignificant what you do may seem to be – it all makes the world a kinder and more loving place.

I’ve tried to teach my children to keep an eye out for ways to help others, even if those people have no idea you’re doing something for them.  I don’t generally mention the ways I try to help others I casually encounter – but I do sometimes mention it to my younger children and I involve them when appropriate.

Doing something nice for others is surprisingly easy to do, once you open your eyes.  It doesn’t have to be something big.  Smiling at someone as you pass them, reaching a high shelf at the store to get something for a shorter customer, making a kind comment to a mother whose child is publicly tantruming, offering a ride to someone waiting at a bus stop or whose car has broken down on the side of the road, clearing an elderly neighbor’s walkway or windshield of snow before it turns to ice – there are so many ways to do a good turn for someone else.  And it feels really good!

I think of all of these actions as lighting candles in the darkness.  In the darkness, it
seems like one tiny flame won’t make much of a difference.  But one little candle can dispel a lot of darkness.  When people have thanked me and asked me what they could do for me, I suggest they pass it on by doing something for someone else when they’re in a position to do so. Then one candle lights another and then another and a huge amount of light can be created.  All beginning from one little action.

504x336xIMG_2089.jpg.pagespeed.ic.WNrKMUpgpr[1]

Here’s a new Chanukah music video by Ari Goldwag that I enjoyed watching with my kids.  You’ll see the connection to what I shared when you watch the video!


It’s almost Chanukah, the Festival of Lights – it’s not a coincidence that this holiday takes place when the days are shortest and there’s more physical darkness than at any other time of year.

What can you do to light up someone else’s life?

Avivah