Category Archives: parenting

How my first marketing effort ignited a social media firestorm and almost destroyed my reputation

parenting, personal development

failure[1]For a long time, people have been telling me that my message of compassionate and relationship-based parenting needs to be spread more widely.  I’ve deflected this for years because of my time constraints but knew in my heart that I have a unique voice of  authenticity and experience, and if I was given this gift then it was my responsibility to use it to help others.

But to find the time…so, so hard.  I’ve spent the last year slowly shifting my schedule to make time to be of more service to others.   This has allowed me to offer more slots for one on one consultations, and I finally decided to make the time commitment to a teleconference series for teens.

I solicited feedback on how to let people know about these classes – it’s a waste to spend time preparing and then not have an audience! – and told myself I would follow suggestions no matter how uncomfortable it made me.  And all of the suggestions made me uncomfortable because self-promotion is something I avoid.

Last night I summoned up my courage muscle and sent in a sponsored post, written as recommended to the site that was suggested.  I closed my computer at midnight with a feeling of trepidation combined with relief, but overall glad to have to have overcome my discomfort of doing something new. I had no idea that an online firestorm was erupting against me as I slept.

The next afternoon I received the following anonymous message: “I’m glad you are trying to help parents. I hope you take my words from a positive source. Your ad is offensive and demeaning. I recommend you change your wording. You have no idea how many parents are talking about your offensive means of marketing your workshop. You may have a lot to offer, but you are delineating many people. “

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was sitting on my bed when I read this and I literally buried my face in my blanket.  What did I do wrong?!?

She responded – and I’m very grateful that this person let me know about all of this because I was totally unaware of what was happening –  that I was too negative in describing parent/teen relationships.  Then she shared that although the administrator of that site “took off the comments from yesterday, but the discussion is still happening. I’d prefer not to reveal where on the web, but I will tell you that in the frum circles and with social media and what’s app, things get out of control without someone always posting on (that site).”

This was so, so painful to me.  I have plenty of character flaws, but being harsh and judgmental of parents who are looking for solutions isn’t one of them.  Being negative isn’t an issue of mine, either.  But I was writing in a new format and clearly didn’t convey my message as I intended.

I unfortunately do care too much about what people think of me and this scenario was like my worst nightmare.  To know that people were talking about me and by extension my parenting approach in such a negative way was very, very painful to me.

My first reaction was to completely back away from this project.  My mind started going: “Who are you to think that G-d wanted you to do this? What made you think that you have anything of value to share?  You see no one is interested and no one likes you.  You can’t even explain your parenting approach without alienating people.  Maybe this is proof you should keep your life simple and stick with local classes.  That would be easier.  Who needs this pressure?  Why should I go out of my comfort zone?   You see, this is what happens to people who become visible – others will knock them down.  I’m happy right where I am, thank you very much.  I’m deleting that ad and I’m never, never doing this again.  Ever. “

The voices of fear, of being self-serving and ego based were very loud in my mind.

Then I started thinking about messages like these:

– Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts.

– Never let success get to your head.  Never let failure get to your heart.

– A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

– You are not defined by, and your worth is not measured by, your failure – or your success.

– Success finds a way; failure finds an excuse.

– Success consists of going from failure to failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.  Winston Churchill

Was I making excuses?  Was I letting my self-worth be defined by people I don’t know talking about me in different online venues?  Could I have the courage to keep going even in the face of rejection and pain?  Could I admit I made a mistake and learn from it?

I knew what I was supposed to answer but I didn’t want to do hard things.  I didn’t want to be mature and use this to grow.  I didn’t want to let go of my ego attachment to what people think of me.

And then I thought about what G-d wanted from me.  Sigh.  There was a reason that I decided to offer these classes, and that reason is still there. There are people who will benefit from what I can share with them, and I  need to keep moving forward – even if it’s uncomfortable at times.

My teleconference classes for parents of teens will be starting Dec. 6.  If you’d like to join me on a weekly journey as we explore parenting teenagers from a place of compassion for ourselves and for our children, I’d love to have you along for the ride!

Avivah

 

 

3 Massive Mistakes Even Smart Parents Make That Keep Them Fighting With Their Teen

parenting, personal development

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESI have a new article up at the Times of Israel – 3 Massive Mistakes Even Smart Parents Make That Keep Them Fighting With Their Teens.  Head over there to check it out and feel free to share your thoughts here or over there!

I’m back in the hospital with Yirmi for his second surgery (thankfully minor this time) and as a result am running behind, but very soon I’ll be sharing specifics of my upcoming parenting series for parents of teens, Strengthening the Connection.  Keep your eyes open for it!

Avivah

How my kids reminded me on my birthday what’s really important

parenting, personal development
With birthday trifle
With birthday trifle

This weekend all my kids were home and they surprised me after dinner with strains of ‘Happy Birthday’ sung as an elegant trifle was brought out.

Our birthday tradition is that each person says something they appreciate about the person whose birthday it is, and this is what my children shared:

(Ds8) “I’m happy you’re my mother.”

(Ds9) “I like that you let me go to my youth group activities.”

(Ds6) “I like that you let me watch (educational program).”

Not so much depth but it’s okay, learning to value someone else is a process and they’re very appropriate for their ages.  🙂

The comments below were made by my older kids, ages 13, 15, 16, 19, 20 and 22.

– “I appreciate that you do so much for me and invest so much time in helping me.”

– “I see my friends’ parent pushing them so much in school, but you never push me.  You always try to take the pressure off of me, to encourage me to relax and feel good.”

– “You’re a growing person who is always trying to be better.  You don’t think you have all the answers and are always right.  If we say something or make a suggestion, you’re willing to think about it and change what you do.”

–  “You accept us even when we aren’t pleasant and you make all my friends feel accepted, and that’s why they tell everyone I have the coolest mother ever.   People feel good when they come to our house even when they’re very different from us because they can tell that we don’t judge them and I think that comes from you.”

– “You see the good in us even when we aren’t nice to be around and tell us the good things you see.”

– “You are devoted to your family and when you believe something is better for one of your children, you do that for them no matter what anyone says.”

***************************************

I got an early morning SOS call today from a young mother stressed out about all she has to do, not enough time, not enough energy, filled with resentment and anger – rage, really – with herself and everyone around her.

I understand this feeling so well.  Sometimes the list of things to do is longer than the time and energy I have, and I feel inadequate about what I do and how I do it.

We all know that our kids are more important than the cleanliness of the kitchen floor.  But it’s so easy to see our children as impediments to getting things done. Our relationship with them is built every time we speak to them, listen to them – and yet every day we forget to keep the main thing, the main thing.

What my kids shared is that they appreciate how I show up for them in their lives, as the person that I am.  Not the things that I do, not as the housekeeper.  I wash mountains of dishes, sweep a lot of floors, have changed zillions of diapers – but that’s not what any of them shared about being significant in their lives.

It was all about feeling loved, accepted and supported – and isn’t that what each of us wants?

Avivah

See the person, not the disability

parenting, Trisomy 21

People-First-Language-2[1]This week someone introduced me to another woman, mentioning that I had a special needs child.

“No,” I responded, “I don’t have a special needs child.  I have a child with special needs.”

“What’s the difference?” the woman I was being introduced to asked, sincerely puzzled.  (The woman making the intro immediately apologized and said she knew better and was sorry to have used that term.)

Honestly, I’m not a dogmatic person.  I know this seems like a really small thing.  But I simply do not want my child or anyone else’s child labelled in this well-intended but limited way.

So I explained, “My son has Down syndrome – he’s  not a Down syndrome child.  Down syndrome is part of who he is but it doesn’t define him.”

Ds22 told me he thinks it’s too subtle a distinction for people to make, but I don’t agree.   It’s just a matter of nicely sharing a different perspective with people.  No one is purposely trying to be offensive or insensitive by using this term.  I’ve introduced my preferred term with doctors, nurses, therapists (alternative and conventional) and anyone else who has used the special needs version to me and almost everyone I’ve spoken to has understood very quickly what I meant.

Actually, at this point I don’t usually mention when people meet Yirmiyahu that he has Trisomy 21.  There’s really no reason to.  Someone will either notice or not.

Despite not being very verbally expressive yet, Yirmiyahu is bright and communicative.  People realize he has a language delay; it’s obvious.  But it’s interesting how few people realize he has T21.  Even in the hospital, a nurse who had been caring for him asked me if it was true that he had T21 – she said she hadn’t realized until it was mentioned in his medical briefing.

Recently after a friend of dd15’s visited, she told me she didn’t like how people treated him after learning he had T21.  I suggested she consider not mentioning it anymore.  To us, his diagnosis isn’t a big deal and she didn’t think it was significant to mention – to us it’s almost like saying someone has glasses or brown hair except that we’re more proud of him than that!

As soon as her friend heard he had T21, she went from speaking to him in an age appropriate way to commenting to dd15, “Oh, that’s so cute, he pointed at the bird – I think he knows what it is!”  As if he suddenly lost a bunch of brain cells and stopped being the engaging little boy she was enjoying before that.  If Yirmiyahu had overheard her he probably would have been wondering what happened to her brain cells.  Seriously, he’s 3.  He understands everything.

The reality is that Trisomy 21 isn’t the problem.  It has its challenges for sure, but the real challenge, the biggest challenge, is society and the limited expectations and lack of acceptance there is for those with developmental delays or disabilities.

This is all tied up with the terms people use.  When you speak with more awareness of a person having an identity outside of his diagnosis, you’re part of the solution.  And it’s so easy to do – a slight shift in how you describe someone and you’ve made the world a place that’s more respectful of everyone!

Avivah

How to make teaching math fun and easy

homeschooling, parenting

fun-math-activities[1]>>Hi. I am really on board with this educational concept of not pushing kids but practically speaking, how do you do math in this way?<<

With Yirmiyahu’s surgery mostly over, we’re gradually easing into our academic routine for the year.  My kids were resistant when I mentioned math workbooks, which reminded me of the above question waiting to be answered.

Math is everywhere!  You just need to learn to recognize it.

Here’s some of what has been happening in my house in the last few days that is math related.

Yesterday, my nine year old son took out our new kitchen scale.  He experimented with how it worked, then he started weighing different things on it.  He and ds8 spent quite a while weighing different eggs and organizing them into cartons according to weight.  (Apparently the standard sized eggs aren’t as standard as we thought – the ones they weighed ranged from 18 – 20 ounces each.)  Then they switched the scale to grams and measured the eggs in grams.  This was play for them but this is one of the topics that is covered in their math workbooks.

We recently acquired a math balance – the kids had a great time playing with it and figuring out different number combinations that equaled one another.  Another topic from their workbooks.

I saw ds8 and ds9 at different times sitting out on the porch playing with our math wrap-up for multiplication.  This is a game-like way that makes practicing the times tables fun and easy.

We have a card game of math war (addition and subtraction) – each card is a math question, and ds6 and ds8 play this together for fun. They found it with the games and play it without prompting or suggestion from anyone.  It’s fun to watch them playing and knowing they’re practicing their math facts without even knowing it.

Last night my kids put aside a book they want me to read to them today- it’s a story about a twelve year old who learned Morse code.  Is that math?  I think it could be.

Cooking leads itself to practicing measurements and multiplying or dividing quantities, and it teaches useful life skills as well.  The younger boys made pancakes yesterday; the basic recipe is intended for small quantities and they have to figure out how much of each ingredient to put in to quadruple it so there’s enough for our family to eat!

Puzzles – recently ds8 and ds13 were doing puzzles while sitting together at the table.  Ds8 did a 200 piece puzzle while ds13 worked on a 300 piece puzzle; when they finished they decided to work together on a 1000 piece puzzle.  This is great for visual discrimination and spatial development; visual perception is an important part of the skills needed for reading, writing and math.  It’s also an opportunity to work on patience and forbearance when your three year old brother pulls your newly finished 1000 piece puzzle down to the floor.  And then they got to practice persistence, perserverance and having a good attitude when they put it all back together again – without yelling at the said younger sibling.

I’ve accumulated a lot of manipulatives and games and the kids have free access to all of these.  I feel like I recently wrote about this, but I just did a quick search and it’s been two years!  Wow, time goes quickly!  Take a look at this because it fleshes out what I’m sharing now: http://avivahwerner.com/2013/10/26/making-math-fun/.

The kids play a lot of games together – in the post that I linked to above, I shared a list of some of what we have and play.  Games are a great way to learn math skills (and other skills, too – my kids’ spelling improved lots after long sessions of Boggle and Bananagrams – they each keep their own copy of a student dictionary next to them when they play!).

When you have an awareness of topics or concepts you want your children to learn, you start to keep your eyes open for ways to include it during the days.  I often integrate questions about math or other topics in the middle of stories or conversation.  That may sound awkward but it’s really not – and there’s no rule that says talking to your kids has to be superficial and meaningless, right?

 

Having said that, I do use math workbooks on a regular basis.  Their appearance has been unusually delayed this year, though.  Today I told ds9 and ds13 to take out their math books and was met with a lot of resistance, but I am easing them into a routine that includes daily structured math again.  Ds8 also uses a math workbook (if you’re wondering why I didn’t ask him to get his out today, it’s because there’s only so much resistance I’m prepared to deal with in one morning!).  Until about age 7 or 8 I haven’t found any benefit for our kids in using structured texts so ds6 doesn’t yet use a workbook.  Even then I’m pretty relaxed about it.  I usually ask them to do a lesson a day but if it’s a half a lesson daily sometimes, it’s fine with me.

In case you’re wondering, I use Singapore math through elementary.  I started using this with ds22 when he was in fifth grade, and have stayed with it since then since we like it.  It uses the concrete pictorial approach, which means the explanations are picture based and I don’t need to do much explaining to them of each new concept.

Here’s a secret I’ll share with you that will make academic work much easier: when your kids feel connected to you, it’s lots easier to get them engaged in things they don’t want to do!  I almost always precede math time with reading out loud to them, and have found in the younger years the rate at which they finish their work is much faster when snuggled next to me on the couch as they work – even if I’m not helping them at all.  If you’re not homeschooling, try this with your kids next time they need to do homework and let me know how it goes!

None of my kids have come close to doing algebra in first grade but I’m confident even at this young and very relaxed stage that their math skills are at the very least age/grade appropriate.   The older kids so far have been extremely strong math students, so this approach – of lots of interactive learning of math concepts in the early years, followed by systematic study in a relaxed way as they get older – has had good results for us!

Avivah

The perfect timing of life events…even when it doesn’t seem like it

parenting, personal development

We are so happy to be home from the hospital!

Yirmiyahu is doing really well though he’s not quite back to himself and he has a very large incision that is still healing.  He also has a stent that will need to be removed in a few weeks under general anesthesia with another (shorter) hospital stay.

Prior to this surgery, we had to do a number of preliminary tests to determine if the surgery was necessary.  These were painful and invasive tests for Yirmiyahu, and he’s become so afraid of what will be done to him that even a simple blood test requires three adults to hold him down.

When got to the hospital the morning of the surgery the admitting nurses noticed he had an eye infection.  I told them we were treating it with a medicated cream recommended by our pediatrician, and they went on to insert the iv for the surgery.  Only one parent was allowed to be in the room with him for that and thankfully it wasn’t me.  I waited at the end of the hallway and clearly heard him screaming from that distance.

When we got to the surgical meeting right before the surgery, the nurse took one look at his eye and said the surgeon isn’t going to approve the surgery with the eye infection. I explained to her that several nurses had checked him, I explained that he got the infection as a result of his immune system being wiped out by the preparatory antibiotics (this same thing happened last time he was scheduled for this surgery) and I explained if they pushed off the surgery, he was likely to once again get sick due to the antibiotics.  She repeated she doubted the surgeon would do the surgery that day and it would probably have to be pushed off for another time.

By this time Yirmiyahu had been fasting from food since the night before and even water for hours and had gone through a very traumatic morning.  I was totally resistant to the idea that he would have to go through this again if it were pushed off.  I began thinking of how strongly I was going to let them know how unacceptable this was, but as these frustrated and resistant thoughts were flooding my mind, a voice of sanity whispered to me, “G-d’s timing is always perfect.”

Ah, the gift of the inner voice!

This tiny thought was hugely helpful.  I was able to recenter myself and stay calm while waiting for the surgeon’s decision, rather than be filled with tension and resentment.  I made peace with the thought we’d have to delay the surgery and focused on gratitude for a caring staff who just like me, want the best for my child.  In the end, the surgeon said that the eye infection wasn’t a reason to delay surgery unless I wanted to – which of course I didn’t – and the surgery took place as planned.

When Yirmi came out of surgery, he was placed in the immediate observation area for post surgical patients.  This is where the nurses basically watch the patient non-stop before transferring them to their perspective wards.  Yirmiyahu’s oxygen was dipping dangerously low when he cried and they kept us in this area for additional time for it to stabilize.

This was a very emotional and sensitive time for Yirmi and for us.  He looked terrible when he came out surgery and I think I cried for the first hour while I was holding him.  At the end of this time my husband, sitting right next to me, got a call.  I heard him ask, “How much is it bleeding?  How deep is it?”  This prompted less than relaxed comments from me, asking him urgently, “What happened?  WHAT happened???”

The call was from dd19 who was home watching the younger boys.  Ds6 had gotten a deep cut on his head and it looked like he would need stitches.  Of course this happened at this point, not when one of us was at home, not even after Yirmi was transferred to the pediatric surgical ward and we were allowed to use the phone!   An injury like this isn’t exactly a common occurrence in our home – in the last 22 years only two of our children have needed stitches and the last time was ten years ago.  And now for the third time it happened at this very sensitive moment.  I had to inwardly wryly smile at the juxtaposition of things happening.  I wouldn’t have planned it like this.  But, I reminded myself, G-d’s timing is always perfect.

Then we came home from the hospital- to a house of several sick children.  The first virus of the season came sweeping through and of course it happened now.  It hasn’t been fun or easy being back home.  Perfect timing, right?

Right.

Seriously.

By now you know what I told myself, right?

“G-d’s timing is perfect!”

However it is right now is the way it’s supposed to be at this moment.  And if that’s how it is, it’s from G-d.  And if it’s from G-d, it’s for my ultimate good.

This thought has helped me so many times with the little and bigger irritations of daily living.  I hope it helps you, too!

Avivah

The healing power of siblings

parenting

Thank you to you all for your prayers for Yirmiyahu!

The surgery went very well.  It was a major surgery and it’s correspondingly a difficult recovery.

WIN_20151025_152059I expected general discomfort and irritability but had no idea the kind of pain he’d be experiencing.  It’s very hard to see such a non-complaining and cheerful child screaming and writhing in agony.  I keep requesting more pain medication but it only seems to take the edge off. Fortunately these attacks only come every two or three hours but each one is very intense   The surgeon said it’s a result of inner pressure on the surgical area and catheter simultaneously.

But it’s all part of the healing process and we need to go through this to get to the other side.

On to the more obviously positive – sibling therapy!

The kids are taking turns coming to visit Yirmiyahu; so far everyone has been here except ds16 and ds13.  Ds16 will be coming in the morning and ds13 is going to wait until Yirmiyahu gets home to spend time with him.

Beginning of the day when they arrived - could hardly open his eyes
Yirmi could hardly open his eyes when they arrived

There are several medical clowns who come in the mornings – the boys enjoyed them even though Yirmi was too out of it to be engaged by them. That is, until one of them overheard Yirmi gently blowing on the harmonica the kids coaxed him to play. She came in with her harmonica and played with him.  No smile, though.

Yirmi playing harmonica with hospital clown
Yirmi playing harmonica with Shorty

Then his siblings spent time playing with him – that’s when he started feeling better.

Sitting up to be with his siblings
Sitting up to be with dd20, ds6, ds8, ds9

After playing with him and making funny faces together, what seemed very far away until then happened – a real smile!

Yirmi laughing with dd20
Yirmi smiling with dd20

He loved being with them but eventually he needed to rest.

Naptime with dd15
Naptime with dd15
Enjoying a bubble pipe with dd19
Enjoying his bubble pipe with dd19
Finishing off the day snuggled next to ds22
Falling asleep at the end of the day snuggled next to ds22

The nurses later commented to me, “It was good for him to have them here.”  It really was.  They could see the obvious difference in him.  Everything was better.  Well, except when they left and he had to say goodbye – that was really sad.

Dd20 came back after work to spend the night with Yirmi. She knew I was exhausted from being with him around the clock and wanted to make things easier for me.  She also wanted to spend more time with Yirmi!   She slept in his bed and took care of him all night long whenever he cried.  He was so happy to have her sleeping with him; being pressed against someone he loves when he sleeps gives him a feeling of security and right now he really needs it.  And then in the morning she thanked me for letting her do it!

I’ve felt so grateful during this hospital stay watching the family we’ve built and nurtured over the last 23 years come together in such a wholehearted way to support Yirmiyahu.

There’s nothing as healing as the power of love!

Avivah

Our three year old is having serious surgery today – prayers requested

parenting, personal development

When Yirmiyahu was born, it was discovered that he had vesicoureteral reflux that has led to kidney damage.  Sometimes this improves on its own but after three years, it remains at the most severe level.

All the doctors have agreed that he needs to have this surgery and I’m grateful to be able to live in a time and place in which this can be performed.  But it’s a very serious surgery and of course I’m concerned.

My husband has been feeling anxious about this, but I was feeling quite relaxed about it until a few days ago, when I sitting with the kids doing a puzzle and spontaneously started singing a song that starts like this: If I had to live my life without you near me, the days would all be empty, the nights would seem so long.  This was one of two songs that I sang many times with Yirmiyahu when he was in the pediatric intensive care, after almost dying when he was 9 months old.  I haven’t sung it since then.

The song was something that just came into my mind, and I recognized my subconscious was pushing something to the foreground that I’ve been pretending isn’t there.  This surgery was triggering some feelings from that past experience, which was an incredibly challenging time for me.

I was glad to have this awareness because you can’t deal with something you don’t know is there, and this has been an opportunity for me to strengthen my trust and belief in a positive outcome as well as in my ability to let the past be the past.

I’m really optimistic about the surgery and am so grateful we can have this done, so he can be as healthy on the inside as he looks on the outside.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
Last night – he fell asleep at the table while listening to music

If you’d add your prayers to ours for a complete and smooth recovery for Yirmiyahu ben Avivah Michaelah, I’d be so appreciative!

Avivah

When intrinsic motivation is missing in college students

homeschooling, parenting

This week I was sharing with dd19 some of my thinking about the development of intrinsic motivation, and why giving young children regular opportunities to choose their own activities and pursue their interests is a critical factor in developing internal motivation.

While discussing this, she asked me about a dilemma that her college is having.

(At the end of last year, dd19 was asked by her college administration to serve as a workshop safety instructor for this school year.  This is a paid position that will also look good on her resume; it was offered to her because she has excelled in her studies as well as being capable and responsible.  This is how she gets to hear about the administrative dilemmas faced by the school.)

The dilemma is that a significant number of students don’t do the coursework or homework.  They come unprepared and their approach to addressing their own lack of responsibility is limited to complaining to the teachers that they have such busy schedules and how can the teachers expect them to get the work done?

The administration is now discussing how to handle this.  What they’re planning is that all students who haven’t done the necessary work will be expected to come to make-up sessions that they’re going to have to pay for.  Dd19 asked me if based on the principles I shared with her, do I think that this effort is going to work?

“No,” I told her, “it’s not going to work.”  They’ll pay the extra cost with lots of grumbling but they still aren’t going to take their classes seriously and will continue to complain about how unfair it is.  What they need is to have a personal  commitment to getting a good education, and this step isn’t going to motivate them to be engaged in their learning.  This isn’t a judgment on these students.  They’ve grown up with a focus on the outcome rather than the process (get the good grade/diploma rather than get an education), and they’re just continuing in the way they’ve been trained.

Dd wanted to know, what would help students take responsibility for their own learning?  The most obvious thing is that they  be allowed to continue doing what they’re doing and experience the natural and logical consequences.  What would those consequences be?  They won’t get good grades, won’t be able to graduate, won’t be hired, are hired but don’t have the skills to perform well.  At any point along the way they can reassess and decide to apply themselves if they want to get different results.

Dd said the college has a policy that doesn’t allow for students to be failed.  I thought this was unusual but a day later read this article and sadly this has become very common.  As kids become less resilient and unable to handle stress, institutions have lowered their standards and expectations so students won’t be distressed.  (What makes kids resilient?  Why can’t they handle stress?  Important issues to address to understand what’s really happening but this isn’t part of the debate – it’s all about school policy. )

The college has tied its own hands and has no power.  They’re going to be left resorting to giving speeches about the importance of working hard that most students won’t pay any attention to.

At some point, there will be consequences for these students.  They aren’t developing their character base and they aren’t developing their knowledge base, and this will affect who they become and how they perform in all aspects of life – not just on the job.

Avivah

Is an only child better off not being homeschooled?

homeschooling, parenting

A reader asks:

>>I’m wondering — what is your opinion on homeschooling just one child? My youngest daughter wants to go to school next year, and that would leave only my son at home, who will be seven next year. On the one hand, I love how homeschooling allows him to grow at his own pace, make his own discoveries, and explore the world around him. I’m worried that putting him in school would stifle his love of learning. On the other hand, would it really work to keep just one child home, especially given that he’s my only boy? He’s just getting into playing with other boys — he used to just follow his sisters around — and I’m wondering if being around other boys would be of greater benefit to him than homeschooling. Or if I should continue homeschooling, and sign him up for as many classes as possible, and then do freelance work while he’s in class so we can actually pay for them…

What’s your opinion? Thanks!<<

Plenty of people homeschool only one child and it can work beautifully. It comes with its own advantages and disadvantages (as does everything!) but many children have thrived in this framework.  Others haven’t.  And sometimes the child thrives but the parents doesn’t, since having just one child home is parent intensive.

There are times that I doubt my homeschooling choices and periodically wonder if my kids would be better off in school.  At those times I need to recalibrate and think again about what I’m doing and why.  Sometimes I just need to consciously reconnect to my deepest values.

Sometimes, there’s an imbalance that I need to address. Am I actively living the values I espouse?  Am I too busy with home management (or something else) and not spending enough time being fully present?  Do I need to focus more time on one area, invest more in relationships, find a new way to help a child approach a skill set?  Basically, what do I need to do to be in balance again?

Perhaps you would find it helpful to take some quiet time to reclarify for yourself what your educational and parenting goals are.  If you have trusted mentors with experience homeschooling, now is a good time for some heart to heart conversations where you can honestly share your fears and conflicted feelings.  It sounds like you’re wrestling with a set of conflicting values, that of your own conscience and that of the general society around you, and that doesn’t lend itself to peace of mind!

It sounds like your big concern about homeschooling is socialization. A general principle is that the more of himself a child has before being put in a situation that can easily lead to peer dependency, the more he can maintain his sense of self when around others.  Until a child has a clear sense of himself as his own person, he’s limited in how he will benefit from the social opportunities of school.

Instead of giving you a direct response to your question, I’ll reflect your question back to you: Why and how would time with other seven year old boys be more valuable than taking an individualized approach to his educational and emotional needs along with lots of nurturing time with you?

Will these young boys model good character for him?  Will they make him kinder, more helpful, more responsible?  Will they help him overcome his rash inclinations, enhance his emotional maturation, encourage his individuality, sustain his self-esteem?  Will they value who he is and care for him unconditionally?

Play time with other kids is fun, and fun is good!  There may be benefits to you or your son for him being in school at this time.  It’s important to be able to honestly assess what is right for your family.

Get clear with yourself about what gains you expect him to have if he’s in school.  Recognize what are needs and what are wants so that the two aren’t confused when making decisions about what will best support his development and help you reach the goals you have for your family.

Avivah