Yesterday was Mother’s Day and if I hadn’t popped onto Facebook, I would have been oblivious to the date.  I mentioned it to my husband, and my younger boys heard me and asked what that meant.

I told them it’s a day that people try to be nicer to their mother than usual.

How did our family celebrate?

We didn’t.

None of my children made me cards or special meals, bought me flowers, took me out or shared any special wishes for the day.  No one posted pictures on social media with comments to the world at large about how they have the best mother in the world.

I guess I could feel like I was missing out.  That my children don’t really value my efforts.  That they don’t care about me.

But I didn’t feel that way.

What I value more than once a year celebrations or declarations of love are the ongoing interactions I have with my children.  Sometimes I get the bonus of mature children sharing their appreciation for how they were raised.

Ds21 recently told me that because I always believed in him growing up, it helped him to believe in himself.  Do you know how I agonized over this child?  As my oldest and first to be homeschooled, I used to lay awake at nights wondering if I was harming him irreparably by choosing an non-mainstream educational option.  I didn’t harm him – far from it.  He’s a thoughtful, intelligent, caring young man who I feel proud and grateful to have as my son.  But he didn’t call me for Mother’s Day.

My younger kids make me pictures and create things for me on a regular basis.  They make me smile and laugh, they ask me to play with them, they hold my hand when we take walks, and they thank me for little things – like letting them play an educational computer game, making them a meal they like or taking them on an outing.

My older kids end every phone conversation by telling me they love me.

They all do things just because they want to make me happy, even when it means more work and less fun for them.  They’ve cleaned, painted, renovated, babysat, cooked – without asking for payment or allowances.  They voluntarily bring food and drinks to me in my room when I’m tired or sick.  Daily they do tasks they don’t want to do because I ask them to do it.

Every day.

Not one of them mentioned Mother’s Day.

And I didn’t miss it a bit.

Avivah

Last night I attended a deeply powerful evening of talks to raise awareness about the dangers of sexual abuse.  The talks were given by a psychologist, a Beit Shemesh police officer in charge of sexual abuse investigations, and three survivors of abuse who each shared part of their personal stories.

I took notes to share with you what was said but to sum up each talk would take away from them all.  Instead, I’ll share what I felt the takeaway messages from the event were.

Sexual abuse is pervasive, it is deeply damaging, and it is only by becoming educated that we can combat this horrific scourge.

The first step towards protecting our children and community from sexual predators is understanding what the problem is.  Sexual predators are in every community, in every city and they don’t look like the pervert that you learned as a young child to stay away from – you know, the derelict wino with a bottle in a paper bag and grubby fingernails. They usually look just like the kind of person you’d trust your child with – they work very hard to cultivate this image because it’s this facade that gains them access to children.

80 – 90% of abusers are someone the child knows.  To me, this means that a big chunk of our efforts and awareness needs to go towards making sure that adults or older children whom our children spent time with don’t have have unsupervised one-on-one time together.  Please read what I wrote here about the grooming process; it’s critical to understand how predators operate.

Years ago, I remember a classmate years ago sharing some information with me when I was about 11.  Being the age that I was, I heard what she described but wasn’t able to process what she was saying.  I now understand that she was raped in the public bathrooms on a class trip.  At that time, I told her to tell the teacher and she told me the teacher told her she was making it up and not to talk to anyone about it.

This response sounds really horrible – and it is.  And unfortunately it’s very common.

How in the world can we rub salt on the gaping emotional and physical wounds that abused children have already experienced by responding like this?

We deny what is uncomfortable because it’s easier to look away than to deal with the uncomfortable truths in front of us.   It’s easier to blame the victim than deal with the abuser, easier to say a child is making something up than to believe that someone we think is trustworthy is capable of horrendous actions.  This is part of what this evening was about, to get people to stop looking away and denying the pain of victims and start recognizing and taking steps to limit the damage of sexual predators.

The religious Jewish community has unfortunately historically been more supportive of abusers than victims, but this is changing as people become more educated. To make our communities safe for children we need to stop keeping sick and unhealthy secrets; we need to stop pretending that this doesn’t happen in our communities.  It does and it happens much more than it should because we’ve been focusing on looking good and keeping our image untarnished rather than on doing good and confronting evil.  Looking away empowers and protects predators and dramatically increases the risk for our children.

After hearing all of this information, it leaves a parent saying, “Okay, we understand how serious this is, but how in the world can we protect our kids from something so pervasive?” It’s frightening and overwhelming – after all, we can’t watch our kids every minute and it seems that short of that there’s no way to keep our kids safe.

A very helpful booklet filled with information was given out to attendees that covers prevention tips, red flag warning signs of potential sex offenders, boundaries, common tricks and lures, 10 proactive strategies for parents, facts and statistics, an explanation of grooming and more.  You can go to www.safelyeverafter.com to read more information.

The part I personally struggle with about talking to my kids about this is not scaring them.  As a parent I have to do my part to proactively protect them, but there are situations when I’m not around that they need to know what is appropriate or what isn’t, and how to respond when something doesn’t feel right to them.

I don’t want them to feel the world is filled with scary, dangerous people waiting to hurt them but I also don’t want to casually give over information and downplay it to the point that it seems I’m saying something unimportant.  So what to do?

Rather than this being a bigger conversation that takes place a couple of times a year, I think an ongoing conversation is a way to discuss this in a way that doesn’t feel so intense and scary.  Talking about it in this way also increases the likelihood that our kids will better internalize the information.  Our focus should be on how to empower our kids with this information.

I’ve always stressed to my kids to listen to their instincts even if logically they can’t understand why they feel that way.  I’ve also continually stressed to them to respect one another’s boundaries, that the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit are private and that if anyone tells them to keep a secret to tell me right away.   These are all included in the ten basic rules.  Something I haven’t done but after reading the handouts is to practice with them different responses they can use if they felt uncomfortable in a situation.

Avivah

Sexual abuse is deeply damaging to a child with numerous long term ramifications.  It strikes at the heart of who they are and affects their sense of security and trust in the world forever.

As parents, it’s critical that we learn as much as we can in order to protect our children from sexual predators.  When we keep quiet about this sensitive topic, we give our power to the people who want to exploit our children.

This Sunday night (April 26), there will be an evening of education and awareness in Ramat Beit Shemesh that I plan to attend.  There will be another event on Monday night, April 27 in Jerusalem.

Below are details copied from the Jewish Community Watch (JCW) website:

For the events in Beit Shemesh and Jerusalem, JCW will team up with Magen, a child protection organization from Beit Shemesh, Israel. Magen was founded in 2010 as a response to a series of cases of child abuse in Beit Shemesh and out of concern of the alarmingly low levels of reported child abuse, indicating that many incidents were not being reported to the authorities.

The upcoming events in Beit Shemesh and Jerusalem will be mostly in English and the speakers will include:

CEO of Magen – David Morris

Founder of JCW – Meyer Seewald

Abuse survivor – Eli Nash

Chief of Detectives – Dudi Katz

Trauma Psychologist – Dr. Norman Goldwasser

An anonymous abuse survivor and member of the IDF

Founder and CEO of JCW Meyer Seewald said: “JCW was founded in response to ONE case of abuse in ONE neighborhood in Brooklyn NY.  In less than four years, it has grown into an international organization. The reason is that the Orthodox community is sick and tired of the cover-ups, and sick of protecting the abusers instead of our innocent children.  We have started seeing a turnaround in the attitude towards abuse in the Orthodox community in the U.S. and we will work with our partners towards the same results in Israel.

“Israel presents a unique set of challenges, because there is a far stricter censorship in the media and there is no sex offender’s registry.  Many parents are therefore unaware of abusers living in their midst. In addition, despite Halachik rulings from some of the leading Rabbis, many communities do not report abuse to the police. There is also the very troubling reality that Israel has become a safe haven for Jewish predators from around the world.”

David Morris, CEO of Magen said: “The shame, isolation, and pain suffered by victims of child sexual abuse is universal and in all our communities. This follows victims and survivors the world over. Therefore, the solution must be to join forces and tackle this devastating problem on an international level. We are therefore excited that Jewish Community Watch, pioneers in Jewish child sexual abuse victims advocacy in the U.S.A., will be joining Magen, the child protection agency here in Israel, to break through the silence and to bring increased awareness of the terrible issue of child abuse to our communities. We are planning that this will be the first of many opportunities for Magen to work together with JCW in support of victims and survivors of child sexual abuse.”

The day after a previous event in the United States, JCW received the following message from an attendee: “Last night’s event was probably the most important event I’ve ever been to. The honesty, rawness, humanity and bravery that was shown by every single speaker and survivor affected me so deeply I really can’t describe it. [The speakers] who were so courageous in sharing their stories just saved countless lives. I have never been prouder to be Jewish than I was last night, when we all stood together and sent a message to the abusers and cowardly murderers that they will never again be free to lay a hand on anyone, with the help of JCW.”

Event Details:

Sunday, April 26 at 7:00pm, Ahavat Tzion Hall: 2 Nachal Timna Street, Ramat Bet Shemesh

Monday, April 27 at 7:00pm, Yeshurn Synagogue, 44 King George Street, Jerusalem

For more information about Jewish Community Watch, visit http://www.jewishcommunitywatch.org/

For more information about Magen, visit: http://magenprotects.org/

I wish sexual abuse wasn’t a reality but it is, and ignoring uncomfortable topics only puts our children at risk.  Please join me in attending one of these events to learn how to protect our most precious gift, our children.

Avivah

Pesach was wonderful but I don’t have much time to reflect on it since I’m due in Haifa by 10am Sunday morning!

Back in January, the surgeon put Yirmiyahu (2.5 yr.) on the priority list for surgery after I told him we planned to move to RBS in the summer.  (The surgery is to correct vesicoureteral reflux of the bladder that has caused kidney swelling and scarring; the doctors were hoping it would improve on it’s own but it’s remained at the level five degree of risk, which is the most severe.)

Surprisingly, just a month ago I got a notification that Yirmiyahu was scheduled for surgery immediately after Pesach – I didn’t expect something that soon.  At that point I reevaluated if it was a good idea to move before Pesach since this would complicate things for us.  But we decided to go ahead with the move and also go ahead with the surgery as planned rather than have to find a new surgeon in a different part of the country and wait months before it could be rescheduled.  It’s important to have this done and we don’t want to delay.

We need to be there a day before the surgery is scheduled to take care of the prep; the actual surgery is scheduled for Monday morning.

Yirmiyahu and I hope to be home in three days.  I won’t have online access until we get back but I thank you in advance for any good wishes and prayers!

If you would like to say a prayer that the surgery is successful and that Yirmiyahu has an easy and complete healing, I would deeply appreciate it – his name is Yirmiyahu ben Avivah Michaela.

Avivah

Today is election day in Israel and though of course I went to vote, I’m not into it this year at all.

But the positive part about election day is that I now have three children who are of age to vote.  And the significance of that is, to vote they need to come to Karmiel.  Dd20 couldn’t make the trip (over seven hours roundtrip by public transportation), but ds21 and dd18 came.  (We take our civic duty to vote seriously around here!)

Dd18 got a ride and arrived home at 1:30 am.  We had a nice chat before we both headed off to bed.  The younger boys always get excited when there older siblings come home and this morning I had some very happy boys when they woke up and saw she was here!  We went to vote together; I took ds8 in to the polls with me and she took ds5.

Ds21 arrived home at 2:30 in the afternoon, an hour after dd18 left.  He hasn’t been home since Chanuka and though he was initially planning to stay just 45 minutes – long enough to vote and turn back around and go back – he told me about three hours later that it’s just too hard for him to leave as planned.  He enjoys being home too much.  Oh, the problems we all have.  🙂

I sometimes think about how different it is being a child in our home now and ten years ago.  It’s pretty amazing having older siblings who bring you things and take you on trips and give you lots of attention.  Ds8 was so happy to see ds21, and about two hours into ds21’s time here, spontaneously exclaimed, “I just LOOOOOOOOOOVE you so much!” followed by him throwing his arms around his big brother’s waist and squeezing him as hard as he could.  They really love their siblings and their siblings really love them.

Ds21 ended up staying 4 hours and 45 minutes, and we all thoroughly enjoyed his company.  I shmoozed with him while he packed up his stuff for the move and somehow he made time to talk and play with all of the kids.  He and dd18 both asked if I minded if they would come back three days before our scheduled move instead of coming earlier to help pack up our home.  (Yep, as of last night our move has been scheduled!  March 30 in case you’re wondering.   :))

I’d love it if they could come a week earlier when their spring break begins, but my older kids financially support themselves and before Pesach there’s a lot of work helping people clean available (last year ds21 started a cleaning and painting service with a friend).  They asked if I minded if they stayed in Jerusalem longer to work and though I’d love to see more of them, I appreciate that they’re financially responsible and hard-working.  Last year they asked ds16 to come to Jerusalem to work with them, which he did for a few days.  One family in Jerusalem has now had my four oldest kids working for them!  (They met dd20 when she took over for dd18 when her arm was broken after her car accident.) If they ask him again, I’ll probably agree.

I figure that once they all get home, even though we’ll only have a Friday and Sunday for them to help pack before we move, we can get a lot done working together!

Avivah

My computer is once again not working, thanks to a very active 2 year old who I was foolish enough to leave alone with ds5 looking at his early reading program while I took a phone call.  I was out of the room for less than two minutes when someone came running to tell me it had shut down.  Ah, the fun of life with a toddler!  Last time my husband figured out how to fix it and he’s working on it now again as I write on his laptop.

Back in May, I had an appointment with a surgeon to discuss if Yirmiyahu needed surgery.   At that time he told me that he wanted us to do all of the testing again before he made a decision.  It took five months for our health insurance to schedule the necessary testing – we couldn’t schedule it directly and they kept telling us the hospital had scheduled it and we were going to be notified of the date….month after month.  Finally it was scheduled but by that time we weren’t able to go to the surgeon for our planned visit, and we had to reschedule for ten weeks later.

Our appointment with the surgeon finally arrived, and within minutes of seeing the test results, he told us surgery is definitely necessary.  It’s very important and the doctor put him on the priority list so hopefully we can get this done sooner rather than later.  Now we have to wait to be notified by the hospital of when the surgery will be scheduled.  I can’t exactly say I’m happy about this but this is the decision I was hoping he would make.

In addition to this, when I entered the waiting room of the surgeon, I was surprised to see the name of the pediatric endocrinologist I had taken Yirmiyahu to in September listed.  (I had seen her in a different city and didn’t know she had an office here.)  She had recommended bloodwork and told me she’d be in touch within a month.  Around a month later, I had a problem with my answering machine – maybe she called and couldn’t leave a message but in any case I wasn’t able to speak to her.  My local pediatrician said the blood work was fine and there was nothing to discuss, but I really wanted to talk to the endo.

I called and called the office, and couldn’t get through.  (This was back in October.)  There’s a 2 – 3 month wait to see this doctor, and the only way I could think of speaking to her was to convince my pediatrician to give me a referral for something she didn’t think was necessary, wait a few months and then speak to the endo in person.

When I saw this specialist’s name and that she was seeing patients that afternoon, I thought, maybe I can speak to her now!  I knew that was unlikely, but the secretary told me if I asked the doctor and she agreed to give me time, they’d let me in to see her.  I interrupted the appointment she was in the middle of to ask if she could find five minutes to speak to me (not something I would have done if the secretary hadn’t told me it was okay) and she agreed.

I had to wait quite a bit but it was worth it.  She took over half an hour to go over every aspect of Yirmiyahu’s file with me.  I wanted to be sure there isn’t something delaying his growth that needs to be addressed since he’s small for his age.  She told me that with the specific medical issue that we need to address with surgery, it could be affecting his growth and she’s seen children after this surgery have growth spurts.  It’s interesting because it seems totally disconnected but nonetheless there’s a correlation.  She even apologized at the end that she hadn’t discussed his blood work results on the phone with me, thanked me for waiting so long and making the effort to speak to her and told me what a wonderful mother I am!

When I left that clinic, I felt so amazed and grateful to have been able to get feedback from the two experts that are most important medically for Yirmiyahu in the same afternoon.  I thought the timing of the surgeon was delayed because of the scheduling error months before, but it was obvious I ended up there at just the day and time I was meant to be.

Avivah

Before I was even out of bed this morning, I heard my ds7 and ds8 arguing and it was escalating very fast.  I picked my head up from my pillow, called them into my room and then asked them what was going on.

My boys love playing with duplo type blocks.  I thought when I bought three sets of 250 pieces each to supplement the two starter sets we got, it would be the end of frustrations between them about not having enough pieces.  But clearly, 1000 blocks isn’t enough because now they build bigger and better things and there’s not enough for two boys to build equally awesome structures at the same time.

Ds7 informed me that ds8 got to build something yesterday, it’s his turn now and ds8 won’t let him take apart the rocket ship he made then.  Ds8 insisted he wanted to add on the remaining unused blocks to his rocket ship before ds7 has a turn and takes it apart.  Two boys who both wanted the same thing very much and were ready to attack each other over it.

I told them, ‘We’re going to find a solution that’s win-win.”  Before I went further, ds8 said disgustedly, “Fine, let him have them.”  I continued, “No, we’re going to find something that everyone feels good about.  If you let him have them right now, that’s called lose-win – you’re letting yourself lose so the other person wins, but it’s really lose-lose for everyone if you don’t both feel good about this.  We’re not going anywhere until we find something that both of you will be happy with.”

They were pretty close to blows and neither of them wanted to have a conversation, so obviously I needed to facilitate.  And this was the first time I officially introduced the concept of win-win.  There was some back and forth until it came down to this.  Ds8 said again he really wanted to add on to what he already build and ds7 can have his turn as soon as he’s done.  ‘Okay,’ I said, but how will you feel if as soon as you finish building, he starts to take it apart all your hard work?  He needs to take your project apart to have something to play with.’  (Because they like to enjoy their efforts, I made a rule that they’re allowed to leave it assembled for up to 24 hours.)

Ds8 said he doesn’t mind if it gets taken apart immediately, as long as he can finish his project.  Ds7 complained that ds8 was going to take too long and he didn’t want to wait half an hour.  I said to ds7: ‘Ds8 said you can take apart what he makes as soon as he finishes.  But you seem to be very impatient for your turn.  It’s not going to be fun for ds8 to build if he’s feeling pressured by you, and it’s not going to be fun for you to be waiting with nothing to do. Is there something you can do that you would enjoy in the meantime?  Is there any game or puzzle you can play with at the table that would be fun for you?’

My question reminded him that when we cleaned the playroom together yesterday, he noticed a puzzle he likes a lot but had forgotten about; he now said he’ll do the 200 piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle while he waits.

I reiterated to them both what terms they agreed on, and asked them if they both felt good about the decision.  Yes, they said.

Off they went to play.  Ds7 got engaged in his puzzle and ended up spending two hours putting it together, giving ds8 plenty of time to finish his project.  When ds8 finished his rocket ship, he decided to take out the small Lego blocks that he doesn’t play with often and make an intricate building project with that.  They went on to play together afterward for quite some time.

This afternoon two groups of boys were arguing at the park and I had a lengthy discussion with them to find a workable compromise.  The older sister of two boys involved watched me and commented afterward that her brothers are young and don’t understand what they’re doing.  I told her of course they don’t, that’s the job of adults to teach them.  Without adults helping kids develop healthy negotiation skills, inevitably the strong dominate the weak.

It’s not easy to step in to a situation like this and help your child find solutions.  And it’s much, much harder to help kids who have no experience with this way of thinking find solutions.  Children need to be guided in practicing these skills, again and again and again, and only then are they likely to come to positive resolutions on their own.

Avivah