Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Why I’m a fan of the shidduch dating system

    Recently I came across something online about the shidduch/Orthodox dating system about was very harsh and negative.  The shidduch system without a doubt has its problems, because it’s a system and systems can never be individualized to meet the needs of all individuals.  However, it’s overall a very good system with a very high degree of success.

    I met my husband almost 24 years ago when the idea was suggested by a couple who knew us both.  We went out seven times over the course of two and a half weeks, and got engaged on our seventh date.  We were engaged for ten weeks, and three months after we met were married.

    When I heard about this approach to dating when I was growing up, I couldn’t imagine how it worked.  You hardly know the person, for goodness sakes!  How in the world can you commit to spending your life with someone that you don’t know?

    Shidduch dating is the opposite of the casual, ‘try it on to see how you like it and throw it away if you change your mind’ approach toward relationships that is so common in the 21st century.  You would think that if the length/degree of involvement with someone is the most critical factor in determining suitability for marriage, a couple that has lived together prior to marriage should be significantly more likely to have a long term stable marriage.  However, studies have shown that those who live with their partners before getting married have a higher divorce rate and lower rate of marital satisfaction than those who don’t.

    What if success in marriage isn’t about how long you know someone, but how committed you are to mutual goals and to one another?  What if you carefully and thoughtfully think about who you are and what kind of person you want to spend your life with, and carefully and thoughtfully go about the dating process to find that person?  What if the system is set up to support you in doing this, and others who are in the system share similar intentions and understandings?

    Shidduch dating is very different from being set up on a blind date.  It works because there are some ground rules that set the tone for mature relationships.

    1. Compatibility – In the shidduch dating world, people are matched for compatibility in important areas before they ever meet.  Suggestions are made and then looked into.  Only if both sides agree that the important things match up  does the couple go out to see if they hit it off personality-wise.

    2) Commitment – Both parties are going out because they are seriously interested in finding a marriage partner.  There’s mutual clarity on what the purpose of going out is.  You don’t have one person getting attached with hopes that one day it might lead to a long term relationship and five years later the other announces he’s not interested in marriage.   If they don’t emotionally connect after meeting a few times, then they move on and go out with someone else.

    3) Focus – When dating, the intention is to get to know the other person. No hanging out for weeks or months with casual chit chat or going to activities where you don’t interact with one another.  That doesn’t mean that shidduch dates aren’t fun! My husband and I enjoyed parks, picnics, restaurants, miniature golf and a museum when we dated.  However, the setting or activity is the backdrop to help someone get to know what the other person is like, what matters to them and what life direction they want to take.  What are their goals and aspirations? What kind of character do they have?

    4) No physical contact – Physical contact is like emotional superglue and can prematurely create feelings of connection before a mature emotional context for the relationship is there, clouding one’s judgment about if this is the person they really want to spend the rest of their life with.

    You’d be amazed at how much you can get to know someone when you’re meeting in a purposeful and thoughtful way with the intent to see if someone would make a good life partner!

    If there are questions you have about the process, please ask and I’ll do my best to address them in a separate post.  

    Avivah

  • Should I have let these boys fight it out and not gotten involved?

    A couple of days ago I was speaking to my older kids about a problem I have with the Harry Potter series – that the adults are all ineffectual, irrelevant, incompetent, missing at times they’re needed or dead.  The kids have to work everything out by themselves, and of course the kids being the heroes is part of what makes the series so compelling.

    The next day I was waiting at a bus stop as boys from a local school streamed out at dismissal, when I heard calls of “Fight, fight!” As I stood there, I watched boys trying to get others involved and very quickly there was a growing crowd with boys chanting and egging their school mates to fight.

    KidsFightingI looked up and at the top of the steep hill saw two boys who looked like they were in the upper elementary grades pushing each other in a way that was clearly not friendly.  There was one other man who had crossed to see what was happening and I waited for him to do something as I saw his expression of concern, but then realized he wasn’t going to get involved.  What I wanted to do was go back to my bus bench but my conscience was telling me as the only other adult around that would be irresponsible.

    I shouted up the hill to where the boys were pushing one another back and forth, “Boys, stop  and come down here right now!”  (This is so embarrassing but it’s the truth, that’s what I did.) Of course it always works really well to raise your voice to show that you have authority in a situation, right?  Ahhh…no.

    I always tell parents, don’t raise your voice – get yourself up off the couch and actively get involved when there’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.  Real authority is quiet and calm.  If they hadn’t been up a hill that I didn’t think I could easily climb, I would have walked over and started speaking to them from the start instead of raising my voice, but that wasn’t the case so I made the mistake of trying to borrow power.

    Some kids moved away but the main players didn’t budge.  In for a penny, in for a pound… I hiked up the steep hill, told the kids watching to go down, and spoke to the kids involved from two different schools.  After taking a few minutes to hear them out and them agreeing to let it go, I went back down the hill and all the boys who had gathered around went back to wait for their rides home.  It was over for this time, at least.

    I planned to call the administration the next day to suggest this area be monitored at dismissal by someone able to facilitate a peaceful resolution since the boys told me it was a daily issue.  A teacher happened to be passing by just as I got to the bottom of the hill  so I spoke to him instead.

    I shared what I had just learned with him and he told me they would deal with it the next day, that it was good I got involved – and it seemed to me they weren’t going to do anything and he was trying to politely dismiss me.  (Not that I blame him – if I was a teacher at the end of a long day wanting to get home, I wouldn’t appreciate having to deal with something like this.)

    I pointed out the student in his school who could help him understand the issue the next day when (if) they looked into it, and realized by the teacher’s face that he understood the situation much better just by seeing who it was.  My goal wasn’t to get anyone into trouble and I quickly told him they’re all good kids, they just need some help in learning to talk respectfully to others.  He told me my suggestion was very hard, very, very hard (he meant impossible and unrealistic) – and he’s right.

    It is impossible to teach kids to communicate respectfully, if it’s not important to you, if you believe it can’t be done, and if the adults involved don’t have the skills themselves.

    I went back to the bus stop wondering if I should have just stayed out of the situation and let the kids fight each other.  It wasn’t my kids who were involved, right?  Did I accomplish anything other than breaking it up for that day?  Probably not.

    As I waited for my bus I wryly thought about Harry Potter and his friends.  It’s not just in the magical world that we well-intended adults can be ineffectual and irrelevant in the lives of kids.

    Avivah

  • Shifting Parenting Paradigms workshop in Ramat Beit Shemesh

    Shifting Parenting Paradigms workshop in Ramat Beit Shemesh

    paradigm_shift1[1]When I began actively rescripting my thinking and actions at the age of 17, what was most helpful to  me was to participate in an interactive weekly support group that was a combination of learning new information, listening to the experience of others and sharing my experience.  This was crucial support for the most important aspect of learning to live successfully with others –  learning to manage yourself and your emotions.

    “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at CHANGE.” Wayne Dyer

    I see many women who – once they’ve learned a given approach – intellectually know what they want to do and how they want to do it.  The academic aspect of sharing a different parenting paradigm can be covered in a given amount of hours. But parenting isn’t an academic process!

    In the past I’ve given classes for a set number of sessions but would like to do something different now to create a framework for ongoing learning and mentoring.

    mountain-climb-helpThis new group will allow for ample discussion and interaction.  I’ll be speaking about shifting your parenting paradigm, sharing helpful insights and practical tools, and talking about lots of different things that relate to you being a happier, more empowered parent.

    We’ll be meeting from 8:30 – 9:30 pm on Sunday evenings at 4 Nachal Sorek, apartment 8, RBS-A, starting this Sunday, Jan. 10.    The first class will be free and give you a sense of my approach and direction.  After that there will be a fee of 100 shekels a month, with a one month commitment.

    If you have more questions, feel free to email me at avivahwerner@yahoo.com.

    Avivah

  • Being treated to fresh bagels by ds9

    No, I haven’t fallen off the other side of the world!  My evenings lately have been full with attending the weddings of friends’ children, doing parenting consultations and getting to sleep at a reasonable hour – all of which has limited my writing time here.

    My mom arrived for a visit today and for dinner ds9 put together a bagel spread in honor of her coming.

    A few weeks ago I was given a stack of Hebrew language magazines that I gave to him, and he discovered that each one had a recipe.  He started by making baguettes (by himself), then asked if he could make bagels.  I thought that was a bit ambitious for a nine year old relatively new to baking to do on his own, but since I try to give my kids support in doing something that interests them I told him he was welcome to go ahead.

    He impressed us all and did an amazing job.  They were delicious!  (And when ds16 was home for Chanuka vacation and wanted to make bagels, he turned to ds9 when he had a question on proper procedure – which ds9 answered with forced patience.  :))

    Then I found wheat berries at the store and that coincided with someone bringing me the part for the electric grain grinder that has been unusable for a looong time… and for the first time since we left the US in August 2011, we had freshly ground whole wheat flour!

    Ds9 has made bagels at least once a week in the last month (which makes us all happy – who wouldn’t be glad to have fresh bagels for lunch or dinner?), and told my mother that he planned to make some for her when she came to visit.  Today he went shopping with me to get additional ingredients he wanted – sesame seeds and dehydrated onions to top the bagels, sliced cheese, cream cheese and hummus as options for the filling.

    When we got home, he got busy grinding flour, and decided to make the bagels a mix of white and whole wheat flour since he said it would make the texture better than just whole wheat alone.  It did.

    Then he set the table for dinner, put out fresh vegetables, spreads and of course, a stack of his freshly made bagels.  And then…it was amusing how quickly everyone came to the table once he announced dinner was ready.   🙂

    I looked over at one point and noticed ds3 eating what looked like everyone else’s very non-gluten free bagels.  When we went shopping, we had bought him gluten-free rolls and ds9 said he could cut a hole from the center so ds3 would feel he was eating a bagel like everyone else.  But what I saw on his plate was most decidedly not the gluten-free rolls that I bought.

    Ds3 likes to eat what everyone else is having and sometimes will sneak some bread if he can, and I thought maybe without anyone realizing he had taken a regular bagel.  I asked about it and ds9 told me it was gluten-free.  I wondered aloud how that was possible since it wasn’t the bread I bought.

    Ds9 told me he made bagels out of coconut flour and topped them with dehydrated onions so that ds3 would have bagels that looked the same as everyone else’s.  Wasn’t that thoughtful?  (Don’t ask me how he knew how to make a gluten free bagel, I think he made it up!)

    Avivah

  • How to trust yourself – listening to your inner voice instead of everyone else

    How to trust yourself – listening to your inner voice instead of everyone else

    I recently received the following question from a reader, and it’s one that many parents have verbalized to me over the years:

    dollarphotoclub_85640637[1]>>”How does one come to access, acknowledge and act on ones own intuition?! and make a habit of doing so?! I would really like to hear your say on this! There are so many of us parents who mean well and sense that there must be a better way, but just can’t take that gargantuan leap to access, acknowledge and act on our own intuition.”<<

    I’ll rephrase this the question.  How do you trust yourself and your own sense of what is right to do, when those around you are making different choices and the unspoken (or spoken!) message to you is that you would be wrong to do something different?

    There’s not a guide for “Take these 3 easy steps and you, too, can trust yourself no matter what others are telling you!”

    It takes courage to recognize what your heart is telling you.  It takes courage to recognize the gap between what you really want in your life and what you have.  And it takes enormous, enormous courage to then take actions based on what your heart is telling you.

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    It’s not easy.  Most of us have been trained to look to others on the outside to give us validation and tell us that we’re okay, that we’re enough, that our choices are the right choices.  There’s a metamessage that we live with – if we do what everyone else does, we’ll be safe and have a good life.

    When you begin to consider making choices that are different from those around you, you’re suddenly deprived of something that has given you emotional oxygen your entire life – the tacit or active approval  of your friends, family or society.

    It’s seductive, that approval.  To act in the absence of the approval we’ve come to depend on will trigger many fears. Fears…

    Fear – of being different, of making a colossal mistake, of resulting financial instability.

    Insecurity – if no one else does this, how I can even think of trying it?

    Compliance – if everyone I respect doesn’t make this choice (religious leaders, parent advisors, educational professionals, child care experts), then it must be wrong.

    These fears can be overwhelming.  The fears seem very real and your inner heart’s desire seems very puny in comparison.  And that’s why so many people live a life that is determined by their fears rather than what is truly important to them.

    You begin by recognizing the fear and looking at what’s keeping you in fear.  Having the validation of others doesn’t make you okay.  It doesn’t keep you safe, and it won’t make you happy.

    You can challenge your fears both intellectually and emotionally. You can fill your mind with positive thoughts, put up inspiring quotes, write affirmations of your self-worth.

    You can look at the choices you’ve made in the past that have brought you satisfaction and joy even if it meant pursuing a different path than others.

    You can look for mentors, live or virtual, who have some quality that you value and give you encouragement to make the choice that is close to your heart.

    I’ve done all of these things.  But what has been the most powerful and helpful approach for me, is to become centered within myself so I can connect to what G-d wants of me.

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    I believe we have each been created with a soul that remains connected to its divine source at all times.  The soul’s voice is drowned out by the louder voices of living.  But it knows the answers and if you can connect to your soul, you can connect to the true answers.

    When I have a question about what I should be doing I try to get very quiet inside myself and ask G-d: what do You want me to do?  Is this the right thing for me to do at this time?  Is it the right way to go about this at this time?

    When I do this, it becomes very clear what the voices of fear are and what are the voices that I should listen to.  It’s not always what I expect.

    I can – and do! – get very intellectual in my thoughts but that’s not the place that I can access inner wisdom from.  It’s powerful to be open to Divine perspective and take action from a place of inner spiritual alignment.

    Listening to your intuition is like using a muscle.  When it’s inactive for a long time, trusting yourself even with something small is hard.  You build that spiritual muscle by starting with the small things.  When you start with the biggest life decisions it’s overwhelming because your spiritual muscles are so out of use and the fear seems so real!

    One action at a time, one choice at a time.  You’ll find plenty of small opportunities in a day to practice listening to your inner voice.

    As you start to make those little choices from a centered place of self-trust, you begin to create a positive cycle.  The more you listen to yourself and take action based on self-trust, the stronger you feel and the easier it is to make the next decision that comes along.

    Avivah

  • Lighting a candle in the darkness – light up someone else’s life today!

    candle_light[1]Years ago my family was travelling from NY to MD and we stopped at a highway rest stop to give everyone a break.  While we were there, we noticed a young mother with two little kids sipping a cup of coffee.  Somehow I started talking to her (my kids don’t know how I end up talking to people wherever we go but that’s how I am!) and she shared that she was headed for home but was so tired that she was worried about driving safely – hence the coffee.

    When I learned that she lived in the same general area that we did, I had a powwow with my husband.  He had been driving the first half of the four hour drive so that I could sleep and we planned that I would drive the second half while he rested – this rest stop was halfway through and where we were going to switch places.

    I told him about this young mother and asked him if he felt able to drive the rest of the way home.  He said he did. I asked him how he would feel about me offering to drive her home in her car, and he said he thought it would be a good idea if the woman agreed.

    Having gotten dh’s okay on this, I approached the young mother.  I told her I was headed in the same direction and would be happy to drive her family in her car if she would find that helpful.  She very gratefully agreed. (I’m a pretty safe looking person, especially since she saw me with my van full of kids.  :))

    I told her she could sleep on the way home, but we ended up chatting the entire 1.5 – 2 hour drive.  It was a pleasant drive.  I never saw her again – I don’t remember her name and wouldn’t recognize her face.

    Sometimes we have a chance to do something for someone else, something that’s big for us and big for them.  Sometimes it isn’t so big for us but is big for them.  Sometimes it’s something small for someone that is small for us.  It doesn’t matter how huge or how insignificant what you do may seem to be – it all makes the world a kinder and more loving place.

    I’ve tried to teach my children to keep an eye out for ways to help others, even if those people have no idea you’re doing something for them.  I don’t generally mention the ways I try to help others I casually encounter – but I do sometimes mention it to my younger children and I involve them when appropriate.

    Doing something nice for others is surprisingly easy to do, once you open your eyes.  It doesn’t have to be something big.  Smiling at someone as you pass them, reaching a high shelf at the store to get something for a shorter customer, making a kind comment to a mother whose child is publicly tantruming, offering a ride to someone waiting at a bus stop or whose car has broken down on the side of the road, clearing an elderly neighbor’s walkway or windshield of snow before it turns to ice – there are so many ways to do a good turn for someone else.  And it feels really good!

    I think of all of these actions as lighting candles in the darkness.  In the darkness, it
    seems like one tiny flame won’t make much of a difference.  But one little candle can dispel a lot of darkness.  When people have thanked me and asked me what they could do for me, I suggest they pass it on by doing something for someone else when they’re in a position to do so. Then one candle lights another and then another and a huge amount of light can be created.  All beginning from one little action.

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    Here’s a new Chanukah music video by Ari Goldwag that I enjoyed watching with my kids.  You’ll see the connection to what I shared when you watch the video!


    It’s almost Chanukah, the Festival of Lights – it’s not a coincidence that this holiday takes place when the days are shortest and there’s more physical darkness than at any other time of year.

    What can you do to light up someone else’s life?

    Avivah

  • How my first marketing effort ignited a social media firestorm and almost destroyed my reputation

    failure[1]For a long time, people have been telling me that my message of compassionate and relationship-based parenting needs to be spread more widely.  I’ve deflected this for years because of my time constraints but knew in my heart that I have a unique voice of  authenticity and experience, and if I was given this gift then it was my responsibility to use it to help others.

    But to find the time…so, so hard.  I’ve spent the last year slowly shifting my schedule to make time to be of more service to others.   This has allowed me to offer more slots for one on one consultations, and I finally decided to make the time commitment to a teleconference series for teens.

    I solicited feedback on how to let people know about these classes – it’s a waste to spend time preparing and then not have an audience! – and told myself I would follow suggestions no matter how uncomfortable it made me.  And all of the suggestions made me uncomfortable because self-promotion is something I avoid.

    Last night I summoned up my courage muscle and sent in a sponsored post, written as recommended to the site that was suggested.  I closed my computer at midnight with a feeling of trepidation combined with relief, but overall glad to have to have overcome my discomfort of doing something new. I had no idea that an online firestorm was erupting against me as I slept.

    The next afternoon I received the following anonymous message: “I’m glad you are trying to help parents. I hope you take my words from a positive source. Your ad is offensive and demeaning. I recommend you change your wording. You have no idea how many parents are talking about your offensive means of marketing your workshop. You may have a lot to offer, but you are delineating many people. “

    It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was sitting on my bed when I read this and I literally buried my face in my blanket.  What did I do wrong?!?

    She responded – and I’m very grateful that this person let me know about all of this because I was totally unaware of what was happening –  that I was too negative in describing parent/teen relationships.  Then she shared that although the administrator of that site “took off the comments from yesterday, but the discussion is still happening. I’d prefer not to reveal where on the web, but I will tell you that in the frum circles and with social media and what’s app, things get out of control without someone always posting on (that site).”

    This was so, so painful to me.  I have plenty of character flaws, but being harsh and judgmental of parents who are looking for solutions isn’t one of them.  Being negative isn’t an issue of mine, either.  But I was writing in a new format and clearly didn’t convey my message as I intended.

    I unfortunately do care too much about what people think of me and this scenario was like my worst nightmare.  To know that people were talking about me and by extension my parenting approach in such a negative way was very, very painful to me.

    My first reaction was to completely back away from this project.  My mind started going: “Who are you to think that G-d wanted you to do this? What made you think that you have anything of value to share?  You see no one is interested and no one likes you.  You can’t even explain your parenting approach without alienating people.  Maybe this is proof you should keep your life simple and stick with local classes.  That would be easier.  Who needs this pressure?  Why should I go out of my comfort zone?   You see, this is what happens to people who become visible – others will knock them down.  I’m happy right where I am, thank you very much.  I’m deleting that ad and I’m never, never doing this again.  Ever. “

    The voices of fear, of being self-serving and ego based were very loud in my mind.

    Then I started thinking about messages like these:

    – Failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts.

    – Never let success get to your head.  Never let failure get to your heart.

    – A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

    – You are not defined by, and your worth is not measured by, your failure – or your success.

    – Success finds a way; failure finds an excuse.

    – Success consists of going from failure to failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.  Winston Churchill

    Was I making excuses?  Was I letting my self-worth be defined by people I don’t know talking about me in different online venues?  Could I have the courage to keep going even in the face of rejection and pain?  Could I admit I made a mistake and learn from it?

    I knew what I was supposed to answer but I didn’t want to do hard things.  I didn’t want to be mature and use this to grow.  I didn’t want to let go of my ego attachment to what people think of me.

    And then I thought about what G-d wanted from me.  Sigh.  There was a reason that I decided to offer these classes, and that reason is still there. There are people who will benefit from what I can share with them, and I  need to keep moving forward – even if it’s uncomfortable at times.

    My teleconference classes for parents of teens will be starting Dec. 6.  If you’d like to join me on a weekly journey as we explore parenting teenagers from a place of compassion for ourselves and for our children, I’d love to have you along for the ride!

    Avivah

     

     

  • 3 Massive Mistakes Even Smart Parents Make That Keep Them Fighting With Their Teen

    SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESI have a new article up at the Times of Israel – 3 Massive Mistakes Even Smart Parents Make That Keep Them Fighting With Their Teens.  Head over there to check it out and feel free to share your thoughts here or over there!

    I’m back in the hospital with Yirmi for his second surgery (thankfully minor this time) and as a result am running behind, but very soon I’ll be sharing specifics of my upcoming parenting series for parents of teens, Strengthening the Connection.  Keep your eyes open for it!

    Avivah

  • How my kids reminded me on my birthday what’s really important

    With birthday trifle
    With birthday trifle

    This weekend all my kids were home and they surprised me after dinner with strains of ‘Happy Birthday’ sung as an elegant trifle was brought out.

    Our birthday tradition is that each person says something they appreciate about the person whose birthday it is, and this is what my children shared:

    (Ds8) “I’m happy you’re my mother.”

    (Ds9) “I like that you let me go to my youth group activities.”

    (Ds6) “I like that you let me watch (educational program).”

    Not so much depth but it’s okay, learning to value someone else is a process and they’re very appropriate for their ages.  🙂

    The comments below were made by my older kids, ages 13, 15, 16, 19, 20 and 22.

    – “I appreciate that you do so much for me and invest so much time in helping me.”

    – “I see my friends’ parent pushing them so much in school, but you never push me.  You always try to take the pressure off of me, to encourage me to relax and feel good.”

    – “You’re a growing person who is always trying to be better.  You don’t think you have all the answers and are always right.  If we say something or make a suggestion, you’re willing to think about it and change what you do.”

    –  “You accept us even when we aren’t pleasant and you make all my friends feel accepted, and that’s why they tell everyone I have the coolest mother ever.   People feel good when they come to our house even when they’re very different from us because they can tell that we don’t judge them and I think that comes from you.”

    – “You see the good in us even when we aren’t nice to be around and tell us the good things you see.”

    – “You are devoted to your family and when you believe something is better for one of your children, you do that for them no matter what anyone says.”

    ***************************************

    I got an early morning SOS call today from a young mother stressed out about all she has to do, not enough time, not enough energy, filled with resentment and anger – rage, really – with herself and everyone around her.

    I understand this feeling so well.  Sometimes the list of things to do is longer than the time and energy I have, and I feel inadequate about what I do and how I do it.

    We all know that our kids are more important than the cleanliness of the kitchen floor.  But it’s so easy to see our children as impediments to getting things done. Our relationship with them is built every time we speak to them, listen to them – and yet every day we forget to keep the main thing, the main thing.

    What my kids shared is that they appreciate how I show up for them in their lives, as the person that I am.  Not the things that I do, not as the housekeeper.  I wash mountains of dishes, sweep a lot of floors, have changed zillions of diapers – but that’s not what any of them shared about being significant in their lives.

    It was all about feeling loved, accepted and supported – and isn’t that what each of us wants?

    Avivah

  • See the person, not the disability

    People-First-Language-2[1]This week someone introduced me to another woman, mentioning that I had a special needs child.

    “No,” I responded, “I don’t have a special needs child.  I have a child with special needs.”

    “What’s the difference?” the woman I was being introduced to asked, sincerely puzzled.  (The woman making the intro immediately apologized and said she knew better and was sorry to have used that term.)

    Honestly, I’m not a dogmatic person.  I know this seems like a really small thing.  But I simply do not want my child or anyone else’s child labelled in this well-intended but limited way.

    So I explained, “My son has Down syndrome – he’s  not a Down syndrome child.  Down syndrome is part of who he is but it doesn’t define him.”

    Ds22 told me he thinks it’s too subtle a distinction for people to make, but I don’t agree.   It’s just a matter of nicely sharing a different perspective with people.  No one is purposely trying to be offensive or insensitive by using this term.  I’ve introduced my preferred term with doctors, nurses, therapists (alternative and conventional) and anyone else who has used the special needs version to me and almost everyone I’ve spoken to has understood very quickly what I meant.

    Actually, at this point I don’t usually mention when people meet Yirmiyahu that he has Trisomy 21.  There’s really no reason to.  Someone will either notice or not.

    Despite not being very verbally expressive yet, Yirmiyahu is bright and communicative.  People realize he has a language delay; it’s obvious.  But it’s interesting how few people realize he has T21.  Even in the hospital, a nurse who had been caring for him asked me if it was true that he had T21 – she said she hadn’t realized until it was mentioned in his medical briefing.

    Recently after a friend of dd15’s visited, she told me she didn’t like how people treated him after learning he had T21.  I suggested she consider not mentioning it anymore.  To us, his diagnosis isn’t a big deal and she didn’t think it was significant to mention – to us it’s almost like saying someone has glasses or brown hair except that we’re more proud of him than that!

    As soon as her friend heard he had T21, she went from speaking to him in an age appropriate way to commenting to dd15, “Oh, that’s so cute, he pointed at the bird – I think he knows what it is!”  As if he suddenly lost a bunch of brain cells and stopped being the engaging little boy she was enjoying before that.  If Yirmiyahu had overheard her he probably would have been wondering what happened to her brain cells.  Seriously, he’s 3.  He understands everything.

    The reality is that Trisomy 21 isn’t the problem.  It has its challenges for sure, but the real challenge, the biggest challenge, is society and the limited expectations and lack of acceptance there is for those with developmental delays or disabilities.

    This is all tied up with the terms people use.  When you speak with more awareness of a person having an identity outside of his diagnosis, you’re part of the solution.  And it’s so easy to do – a slight shift in how you describe someone and you’ve made the world a place that’s more respectful of everyone!

    Avivah