A couple of weeks ago I posted about my conversation with the principal of the girls’ high school that we were most interested in for our dd15.  At that time, the principal closed the conversation by telling me that although she felt it was forbidden to allow a girl into their school from a family that used the internet, she would send us their ‘takanon’ (school rules) and if we felt we could abide by them, she’d ask a rabbi a personalized question about our family.

We got the takanon, seven typed pages of mostly rules about modesty in dress. I personally found this very off-putting – our approach to modesty is to model it and talk very little about the technical ‘rules’ with our girls.  Last year when I was visiting Israel, a friend who was a seminary teacher mentioned at a get together in honor of me visiting that ‘you can’t pay girls to look like this nowadays’ (referring to our oldest two girls who were with me).  While I was uncomfortable with this being drawn attention to publicly, modesty is something that isn’t a struggle for dd15.  (Not implying anything about our other girls but this high school situation is about her.)   She has a very strong intrinsic sense of modesty and there’s nothing in her clothing choices that has ever given me pause.

However, despite every single item she owns being in accordance with Jewish law, nothing in her closet was suitable for the takanon.  Her skirts are too long (skirts can only be between the knee and mid calf and hers are a couple of inches above the ankle), her shirts are made of the wrong material (no cotton knits/tricot allowed), her legs aren’t covered with thick enough material (stockings must be 40 denier thick), her hair isn’t modest enough (no bangs allowed or hair partially pulled up), and the list continues.

Why, why, why do schools think that imposing increasingly strict rules on girls makes them more sensitive to modesty?  Modesty isn’t something I struggle with, but I still felt like screaming and running in the other direction when I read this long and burdensome list of rules, which are binding on the student  both in and outside of school, in every social situation.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld has coined the term ‘counterwill’ to explain the pyschological phenomenon that comes into play when a person feels coerced or controlled beyond the limits of the relationship.  That means that if you feel very close to someone and they make a suggestion to pull your hair out of your face, you’re likely to do it.  But without that connection, having someone make the same suggestion causes  you want to dig your heels in and do the exact opposite.  I believe that a lot of the resistance to modesty that we see today that the schools are trying to counter with escalating rules, are ironically actually caused by those rules.

Years ago I was in a small shiur with Rebbetzin Heller when she spoke about modesty.  She stressed the importance of an inside/outside approach – you teach the meaning and beauty of it, and trust women to make external choices that match their inner sensitivity.  At that point, I asked her why it is that virtually all charedi schools teach from an outside/inside approach – stressing the rules and obsessing over minor details, while glossing over the deeper meanings and inspiration about this.  She told me, ‘it’s a problem’.

No kidding it’s a problem.  I actually wonder how many girls with strict school rules regarding modesty would be inspired to dress in the dictated manner if left to their own discretion.  A day after receiving the takanon and going through it together, dd was babysitting for someone and took their children to the park that is frequented by the local kollel wives.  When she came home, she asked me at what point the Bais Yaakov modesty standards that are expected of charedi girls stops being binding – because she noticed that almost all of the kollel wives were dressed very similarly to her (ie fine halachically and in the spirit of modesty, but not meeting these specific rules).  I recently spoke with a couple of Israeli charedi teachers about this takanon, and they both told me that their clothing would also be considered inappropriate by that school.

During another conversation, dd15 also told me that in her current school (which has a very reasonable takanon), they regularly have inspirational speakers come in to talk to the girls.  And she told me she’s so sick of hearing the conclusion to almost all of these talks  – ‘so the next time you’re in the store and buying a skirt, be sure to make sure it’s long enough’.  It’s pretty bad when someone who is naturally so sensitive to this topic is fed up of hearing about it after just nine months in school!  She asked me, isn’t there anything else in the practice of Judaism that they care about?  Don’t they care if someone is trying to be a good person and grow closer to Hashem (G-d)?

Personally, if I were teaching high school girls, the last topic I would broach is modesty.  I think it gets shoved down their throats for years and made into an unnecessary power struggle.  When I give my weekly classes on the parsha (weekly Torah portion), I share messages that I find inspiring about how to live our lives in a meaningful way using the Torah as our guidebook.  That’s what I like hearing now and that’s what I would have wanted to hear more about when I was a high school student, not about long lists of rules and the punishments awaiting me in the next world if I put a finger out of line.  (I recently had a burst of desire to give a weekly class to the high school girls in the local school along these lines – if the principal asks me again to give a class there, instead of refusing her like the last three times she asked, I’m going to suggest this.)

In case you’re wondering about what happened with dd’s school acceptance, we called the school to let them know we were willing to go along with the takanon.  We gave them number of five teachers as well as the city rabbi who were ready to give very warm references about dd and our family, and two other teachers in the community offered to call personal contacts in that school to recommend dd.  However, this clearly wasn’t enough since I got a call from the secretary yesterday telling me they won’t take dd since she comes from a home where there is internet.  (I don’t believe that they called any of the references or asked the personalized rabbinic shaila as I was told they would but it’s their loss.)  It left me wondering why we wasted two weeks following through with this school after our last conversation if it was going to come back to the internet issue anyway!

Though this was frustrating, it’s obvious Hashem doesn’t want dd to be attending this school and He has a better plan and place for her.  We’ll see where that will be and how things will play out for her in the short and long term.  One positive thing is that now I don’t have the internal struggle with going along with an approach to modesty that I find inherently problematic and demotivating.

Avivah

This week, ds6 and I attended the orientation hosted by the school he’ll be attending next year for incoming first graders.  Since I’ve been asked very often about how we made the choice of where to send him, I’ll share about that now.

Earlier this year I felt a lot of pressure about where to register ds6 for first grade.  We strongly favored the educational framework that was provided by Amichai, but in the charedi community, every single family sends their boys to the local Talmud Torah (known as ‘the cheder’).   So this made the decision more complicated – do you send your child where all of your peers are sending (socially better), or do you send your child where you feel they’ll be best served emotionally and educationally?

I was very concerned about the social ramifications of sending our boys to a different school than the boys who locally make up their peer group.   I also thought about how would we as parents be viewed, and how would it skew the way people looked at our family overall.   It’s an unfortunate reality in most societies that people who make choices different than the norm aren’t exactly embraced warmly.

I’ve spent many, many hours over the years thinking of endless angles regarding education and have logged many more hours this year continuing to think about the way new educational situations are manifesting.  I’ve had a number of conversations with people in the community – including Israelis and Americans who grew up here /made aliyah at a young age/made aliyah as parents with school age children – to benefit from their perspectives and experience.  The conversations have included discussion about the elementary school options, where they lead to as far as high school options, where high school choices lead to, and how that works for them as adults.  When we make decisions like this, we try to be aware of the short and long term ramifications rather than the immediate present, so having all of this feedback was important for us because we didn’t want to make a decision without a well-rounded view of the issues involved.

After all of this thinking, the school we’ll be sending ds6 to is Amichai, and this is where we had the first grade orientation yesterday.  Here are some that were a factor in making our decision:

At Amicha, secular subjects taught in addition to Judaic studies, including enrichment classes like music, art, and computers.  The school day is shorter, leaving more time for us to spend together as a family.  This also means there’s more space for the kids to have down time or the opportunity to pursue other interests, which is critical to healthy emotional development.  A shorter day is a huge, huge, huge plus to me.

Something that many find a weakness is that due to the shorter school day and having more secular classes, there’s less time for Torah study.  We feel that with the increased time available to us, in addition to the increased emotional head space of our children due to the shorter hours, we can supplement this at home if at any point we feel it would be necessary.  In general I feel less is often more when it comes to school, so I prefer the enrichment approach to academics rather than overloading kids and burning them out.  (Our approach to teaching Torah and instilling a positive value for a Torah lifestyle is really its own topic.)

I like that there’s a message of joy in living a Torah life rather than a primary focus on obligation and textual skill, that there’s acceptance and tolerance for people of different backgrounds; this meshes well with our value system.  I like the understanding approach of the administration, the way they consider feedback from parents and integrate it.  The principal is a really special man.  I appreciate that my child can be seen for who he is (as much as possible in a school framework) rather than a cog who needs to fit into the institutional wheel.

I think it’s unusual to have an orientation for first graders several months in advance, don’t you?  (If this is standard practice for charedi schools in Israel, please correct me!)  They wanted to give each boy a chance to meet the other boys who will be in their class in a relaxed and unpressured framework.  They had two craft activities for Shavuos followed by snacks.  It was nice that the boys were able to come to the school when no one was there but their parents and a few teachers, go into their future classroom, and be with their future classmates without all the anxiety that comes with the first day of school.

While the boys were doing crafts together, the principal and school psychologist spoke with the parents about the school’s approach to education.  The principal spoke about how much they see parents as active partners in the education of their children, after sharing what the overall philosophy of the school is, as well as their academic focus on Torah and secular subjects.  They have a unique program that is foundational to their approach to Torah – by the end of eighth grade, a student will have familiarity and understanding of all the Rashis  (a primary Torah commentary).  As far as secular studies, they strive to provide a strong secular foundation, though they openly shared that their weakness is in science, as they don’t yet have an independent laboratory.

Part of the admissions procedure for first grade at this school is a meeting of the child with the school psychologist.  Though when I took ds several months ago for his meeting I felt that his evaluation wasn’t reflective of him because he didn’t understand fully what he was being asked to do since his Hebrew was still very rudimentary (his current teacher was very upset when she heard the conclusions since she knew how inaccurate they were) and I wasn’t able to stay with him for the interview to translate, I appreciated the reason they have these interviews.  Their perspective is that they want to have a sense of who each child is before he comes into the school, and they want to know that each child is emotionally ready for first grade.   If a child isn’t ready in some way, they’ll work with a parent to deal with whatever the issue is.  They don’t look at reading and writing skills, though they do assess fine and gross motor coordination.  (They teach reading in first grade rather than expecting incoming first graders to already read, which is what is expected at the other school.  This is also something I appreciate that works with our educational philosophy.)

Something that many parents have expressed concern to me about is that the children in this school come from a range of religious backgrounds rather than the homogeneous backgrounds of the cheder families.  This isn’t something that scares me, since part of my approach to education is to teach children to navigate the outside world – and that includes dealing with people who are different than them – rather than build increasingly higher walls to keep the outside world out.  I don’t like the increased possibility of exposure to the outside world, but I’m prepared to deal with it as a parent and in fact feel it’s my obligation as a parent to make sure my kids have tools to deal with this.  Also, I know very well that it’s an illusion that your child will only have positive influences in his life if all the children are coming from religiously similar homes.  In any case, at the orientation I was  very pleased to see what a nice group the parents were, much more similar to us than I had been led to expect by the comments of others.

The classes at this school are also smaller than at the second school – it looks like ds6’s class right now will be between 12 – 15 boys, versus about 22 (these numbers may shift with enrollment that takes place between now and then but for now are accurate).  This school is certainly closer to American values than the cheder, and I’ve been told that the chief Ashkenazi rabbi of the city would very much like to see American families sending to this school since he thinks that it will be a win-win – it will strengthen the school at the same time that it will provide parents with an education that most closely matches their expectations.

I’m writing this to share my own experience, not to tell anyone else why they made a mistake to send their children somewhere else or to tell anyone moving here to send to this school.  Unfortunately there’s inaccurate information about this school that is being passed around to people visiting, and it’s inaccurate by virtue of all the people talking about it having no personal experience with the school – it’s what the parents at the second school all tell each other about it!  My decisions are based very solidly in my parenting philosophy, and what is right for each family will be different depending on the needs of their children as well as what their long term goals are.  As of now, I’m the only person in the charedi community of Karmiel to have children in both of the schools I’ve mentioned, and so I think that I do have a balanced perspective as someone who has an insider’s perspective to each.

Avivah

This morning I started my day with an appointment with the principal of the local girls high school.  I was there to discuss what to do for dd15 for the coming year, and the conversation went really well.  Besides the fact that she’s a very caring person who very much appreciates dd and wants her to be happy, over the course of this year I’ve had a chance to develop a nice relationship with her and the school advisor (who also was there for the meeting).

Here were some good things about the meeting:

– They offered (not just offered, but started making phone calls while I was still sitting there) to activate their network to research the school that I told them is the most likely place for dd15 for the coming year to ascertain what the peer group is like in dd’s grade.  As they told me, they’ll be able to get honest information parents would have a very hard time finding out.

– The principal offered to call the principal of the other school after Shavuos if she doesn’t hear from her before then, and give the warmest possible recommendations of dd.  The school advisor also was quick to offer her willingness to provide her strong recommendation of dd.

– The principal asked me if I’d be willing to serve as the liason between the Anglo parents and students and the school for the coming year.  She feels that I understand the Israeli school culture as well as obviously coming from an American mindset, and has already spoken to the chief rabbi of the city and told him she wants me to do it.  As a long term homeschooler I find this a little ironic but told her I’d be happy to help out.

– She and the advisor have told me in each of our meetings (this was the third) that they’d like me to address the staff as well as have a separate lecture to the student body.  I asked about what and they said my general approach to dealing with life and the inevitable difficulties.  I brushed them off about this in the past and today as well, but it was nice to be asked and to be appreciated.  Afterward I thought that I really should have taken their offer more seriously since they keep asking; it would probably be fun though a challenge since it would be in Hebrew.

Overall they were both very supportive and understanding of the decision we’ve made not to send dd back to this class for the coming year.  They’d like her to stay but even so they’re willing to actively help her get into a different high school.  And she also agree to something else I discussed with her at the end of our talk, to give dd a lot more leeway regarding attendance for the remaining weeks of school, based on some concerns I shared.

I’ve appreciated the administration and teachers at this school, as well as their overall approach to dealing with the girls.  Despite being different than my personal approach to education, it’s very, very balanced when you look at what the administrative norm of charedi girls’ schools are.  I didn’t anticipate so much active willingness to help us find a new school, even though I know they are very caring women.  So that was a really nice way to end our meeting today.

Avivah