Today is Day 14 of 31 for 21, a blogging effort to promote awareness of Trisomy 21.
When my husband was telling his parents the news that our new baby had Trisomy 21, he made some kind of comment like ‘he’s a Down syndrome baby’. I really try not to interrupt his private conversations but this bothered me so much that I had to comment, and I loudly whispered to him, “He’s not a Down syndrome baby, he’s our baby with Down syndrome’”.
Does that sound like I was reacting to silly semantics? To me it didn’t feel like that. I felt the terminology was presenting our baby as a problem and was impersonalizing who he was (obviously this wasn’t dh’s intention). You don’t define a person by what is wrong with them. You don’t call an infant with strep a ‘strep baby’ – because that’s not accurate. You don’t call a toddler with leukemia a ‘cancer child’. You don’t call an adult a ‘heart disease man’. It’s really obvious when you use those examples how ridiculous it sounds.
And yet when it comes to T21, it’s normal for people to say things like, “he’s a Down syndrome boy” or “she is a Downs”. No, no, no. Just tonight I was speaking to someone on the phone who kept telling me about different people she knew with links to Down syndrome and saying things like, “Her daughter was Downs” until I felt like I had to say something. I know that people don’t mean to be offensive or hurtful, but there’s a much more appropriate and less demeaning way to refer to others. There’s a huge difference between referring to somone with T21 as someone who has Down syndrome, or someone who IS Down syndrome. A few days after my whispered comments to dh, I learned that it even has a name: people first language.
People first language means that when you speak about a person, you first speak about them followed by a mention of their disability or ‘issue’ – who they are is their primary defining characteristic, and their disability is just one aspect of who they are. It’s true that it’s a bit more wordy to say ‘a baby with Down syndrome’ instead of a ‘Downs baby’. But our words shape perceptions and reflect our understandings. Isn’t it worth a couple more syllables when we speak to focus on seeing people for who they are rather than what they have?
Today is the tenth day of 31 for 21, a blogging effort to raise awareness about Trisomy 21. Click here to check out other bloggers who are participating!
We all have a picture of what children will Down sydrome look like. Most of us think we know what we can expect of them socially, academically and professionally. I always made a point to smile at and thank the young man with T21 who bagged my groceries at the supermarket and thought how nice it was that the store owners were so progressive about hiring people with disabilities. In the last three months, my estimation of what individuals with T21 can accomplish has shot up.
Tim Harris is a young man who was a high school homecoming king, a college graduate, and is now the owner and manager of his own restaurant – and he has T21. Watch this beautiful 2.5 minute video or read here to learn a little bit more about this young man’s accomplishments.
I loved watching this! People like this help change our communal expectations regarding individuals with T21. And for me, as the mother of a baby boy with T21, it gives me tremendous hope and encouragement.
So many times when people have a situation in which something has gone wrong, knowing that they did something wrong that added to the problem exacerbates their pain. I’ve read several accounts of women who had babies with Trisomy 21, and they all went through a period of blaming themselves for something. We moms can always find something to blame ourselves for! Whether it’s not eating well or taking prenatals during pregnancy, feeling guilty about their negativity or ambivalence when learning about T21 or crying and being upset after the baby was born, there are lots of things that moms later look back on with regret.
I’ve thought a number of times about how grateful I am in this regard. I have a tendency to have high expectations of myself, which makes it easy for me to feel like I’m not doing enough for my children. So it’s especially amazing that regarding Yirmiyahu having T21 that I’m able to accept what I did throughout pregnancy as having been enough.
I was thrilled when I became pregnant, and although there are definitely some discomforts that come along with pregnancy, there wasn’t even one minute that I wasn’t grateful for my pregnancy. My husband often remarked about how consistently positive I was, even at the end when I was having a lot of sciatic pain. I had conversations in my mind every single day with my baby, telling him how much I loved him and later on when I started having premonitions about the baby having T21, added in the message that we loved him as he was. I had a pervasive sense of emotional well-being and consistently positive thoughts about life in general and towards our baby.
On the Weston Price site there’s an article with a theory that older mothers have babies with T21 because of pregnancies that are close together, leading to mothers who are nutritionally depleted. My youngest child was over three when Yirmiyahu was born, so I had a solid block of time to build up my nutritional reserves before he was conceived and I don’t have guilt over this possibility.
I’ve been eating according as much as possible according in line with a traditional foods approach for years, and this pregnancy I was especially careful about what I ate. Except for a few chocolate bars, my diet was excellent. I took cod liver oil and early in my pregnancy, ate liver regularly for the iron. In addition to this, I took homeopathic cell salts. My general position is that it’s better to eat good quality real foods and supplementation has always been on the back burner for me, so it was unusual for me – a first, actually – that in addition to the above I took prenatal vitamins during this pregnancy.
My birth experience was traumatizing (for my husband, too) but one part of the unpleasantness that I’m grateful for was the extensive fetal monitoring at the hospital. I haven’t had this kind of fetal monitoring since my second birth, and it’s not something that added positively to the experience, but the monitoring consistently showed everything progressing normally. Yirmiyahu was born very suddenly at home (if you’re wondering how I labored in the hospital and then gave birth at home, you can read both parts of the birth story, here and here) and wasn’t breathing, and when I later looked back on this I didn’t have to wonder if this was a problem that could have been anticipated and avoided – it wasn’t and it couldn’t.
When we were told the news that our baby had T21 a few hours after he was born, along with the list of other things that were happening medically, it took me a very short time to process. There are a number of reasons for this- I’ve shared about a couple of aspects of that, and another big factor is that as a mother of a large family, I know that every child comes with their issues. I know right after finding out is a really hard time for most people and I feel very lucky in this regard that I was able to be happy with our baby as he was from the very beginning. He was loved totally and fully from conception through birth and beyond, and as a mother I feel a lot of gratitude about that.
Today is Day 4 of 31 for 21, a blogging effort to promote awareness of T21. Click here for a list of lots of great blogs of those who are participating!
After mentioning yesterday how cute Yirmiyahu is, I realized I owe my readers some pictures!
Me and Yirmyahu today
Today dd17 was with some friends who all were going crazy over him (as usual) and she took the following pictures.
Yirmiyahu, 3 months oldWho is that looking at me?!
Yirmiyahu began smiling when he was ten weeks old, about three weeks ago. This is the first time we managed to catch his smile on camera. Dd thinks the angle is awkward and doesn’t show his true cuteness and she’s right, but I’m sharing it with you anyway.
This month is National Down Syndrome Awareness month. This year I’m joining in the 31 for 21 blogging effort to raise awareness about Trisomy 21. Why 31 for 21? There are 31 days in October, and in T21, the 21st chromosome is triplicated. In the coming days I’ll be sharing about questions I’ve been asked about T21, as well as other topics not related to T21 at all.
This morning I took dd16 and dd11 to a community event for mothers and daughters. A couple of minutes after I walked in, a staff member at one of the schools approached me and peered into the stroller. (Yes, I do sometimes use a stroller rather than the wrap!). She looked at Yirmiyahu and with surprise in her voice said, “He’s so cute!” She had cornered me about a month ago when I was at the school to inquire about if the news she had heard that we had had a baby with special needs was true. At that time I got the impression that she thought this was something hush hush that I should be feeling ashamed or sad about, which isn’t even a tiny bit true. Today she seemed surprised that he was cute because she knew he had T21 and that’s not what she was expecting. (I know, this is my cue to insert a current photo here but I don’t have one so you’ll have to scroll back to other posts that have pictures.:))
I said, “Of course he’s cute!” I had picked him up and she looked at him close up and said, “He looks like a normal baby.” I have an emotional trigger to the word ‘normal’ – does my baby having T21 mean he’s not normal? I replied with a smile, “Yes, he is a normal baby but maybe a little cuter than usual.” “But he doesn’t look like anything is wrong with him,” as she looked at me questioningly. I could tell she was wondering if she was mixing me up with someone else, so I confirmed for her, “He has Down syndrome.” “But he doesn’t look like it. How can you tell? There are five signs, right? But I don’t see any signs of it. Are you sure he has it?”
I wasn’t enjoying this conversation from the very first comment and was trying to remain polite. What does she think, that I’m making it up? I told her there are more than fifty possible signs of Down syndrome (maybe more than 100) and which signs people with T21 have vary from person to person. She wanted to know which signs Yirmiyahu had but I thought that was none of her business so instead I assured her that we had done genetic testing and we were absolutely positive that he has T21.
I don’t tell most people that I see locally that Yirmiyahu has T21. Not because I’m embarrassed or because I want to keep it a secret – not at all. I’m very comfortable speaking about it and Yirmiyahu is perfect just as he is. But I know that most people have negative preconceptions about T21 (as I did before Yirmiyahu was born) and I want to give people a chance to appreciate him as a sweet baby without them looking for the ‘label’ when they first see him. Once they have a chance to see him as a baby rather than as a syndrome, then at a later point I can share with them about his diagnosis and then there’s a place for more helpful dialogue.
Today the woman who was looking at him was looking for signs of his diagnosis rather than seeing him as a baby and that bothered me. I know I can’t control people’s reactions and I’m sure there will be many interesting interactions in the future when I’ll be asked about this issue. But I so much wish for now, and even more for the future as Yirmiyahu gets older and it becomes more obvious that he has T21, that people will be able to see him for himself.
Here’s our newest baby apparatus – a crawling track!
If you’re anything like me until about 2.5 months ago, you’ve never heard of a crawling track and can’t imagine why in the world anyone would want one! I read about this when Yirmiyahu was two or three days old, and once I understood the benefits resolved that we would make one for him.
The idea of a crawling track is to provide a safe and comfortable environment in which your baby is encouraged to move from birth (if you have one at that point). Why not the floor? The narrowness of the track allows the baby to move forward, and the sides give him something to push off against. A blanket on the floor would get rumpled and in the way, a mat on the floor doesn’t have anything for the baby to push against to keep him going straight. Also, the track can be lifted on one side at different angles depending on the age of the baby, according to what is needed to help him make his way down the track (higher for very young infants, lower as they get older). Once a child knows how to crawl, they don’t use a crawling track anymore – this provides a place for them to have lots of early opportunity to move and when they can crawl on the floor they won’t need this. The recommendation to use a crawling track comes from the work of Glenn Doman, who has studied the development of healthy and brain damaged children for over fifty years and shares practical suggestions for parents based on his experiences.
What’s the point of encouraging them to move? Very much in brief, there is a direct relationship between movement and learning. Crawling on the belly and creeping on all fours is critical to integrating the primitive reflexes of the lower parts of the brain. The lower parts of the brain are organized in the first year of life through crawling on the belly and creeping on all fours. The more organized movement there is, the better it is for the brain. This is good for any baby, but for a baby with issues like T21 I think this is of even more value in enhancing their physical and cognitive development.
Yirmiyahu below on the track for the first time – one end was slightly raised so that he would be at an incline that would assist in his movements. Edited to add: It’s recommended that a baby go down the track ten times a day – so far Yirmiyahu only goes down it a few times daily but we’re working up to the recommended amount of times.
You can see below how he’s lifting his head and pushing one leg against the floor of the track to propel himself forward.
The next picture was taken just a couple of minutes later – notice how he’s moved forward on the track. It helps to have brothers to cheer him along the way!
These can be purchased in the US for about $450 – not cheap! I knew this was something we could make ourselves but it took a while to make it because I wanted to do it as frugally as possible, and that meant finding materials that I could recycle for this project. A couple of weeks ago, we found something that someone was giving away that looked like we could dissemble for the materials, and brought it home. That was a great find, but the next day, ds10 found something even better, which is what we ended up using. It was just the right width and length for the track and the sides, and was basically a board covered with a thin layer of foam and material (we took this apart so that it could be washed before using it). The track is supposed to be six feet long, and the sides are between 6 – 8 inches high. The foam wasn’t one inch thick, which is what was recommended, but it’s comfortable and firm so it works out just fine.
Though it’s recommended to use vinyl or naugahyde for the top layer, I preferred the soft and velvety material that I used – it’s smooth enough that it doesn’t impede movement, but there aren’t issues of offgassing that vinyl would have. Then again, it won’t be as easy to clean as vinyl but to me that’s a small price to pay for something that is better for the baby’s health, not to mention more cozy. Dh cut each side piece and then affixed them to the bottom piece with brackets. The ten brackets were our only financial outlay for this project – a total cost of twenty shekels ($5). Once he finished that, he left the rest of the project for me. While it took time, it wasn’t difficult, and I was very pleased with how it turned out.
We keep this in the living room and Yirmiyahu goes in as often as we can manage – people like to hold him a lot when he’s awake so this limits his track time. Since babies move so much in their sleep, it’s recommended to put them in this rather than a crib to give them room to move, which we do for naps. At night, he sleeps with me and his movement is limited to him squiggling himself as close to me as he can get. Which I totally love.
Today I was on the bus to Tzfat (Safed) and was thinking – as I do almost every single time I have a lengthy trip somewhere and have to spend hours away from home – how glad I am to be able to wear Yirmiyahu in a wrap.
Me with Yirmiyahu in Tzfat – yes, it really is that beautiful!
I wrote about babywearing with a stretchy wrap when my ds3 was little, and at the time, I found it hugely helpful in freeing up my hands and taking care of things around the house while keeping the baby happy. As useful as it was then, it’s even more helpful now! When we moved to Israel, I got rid of all of our baby stuff in our ruthless downsizing, with the exception of three things – one of them was the stretchy wrap, and one was a mei tai. I knew that if we had another baby, it would be expensive to aquire these again and that I’d really regret not having them. I’ve so many times thought how glad I am that we brought these along, because with all of the traveling in the city as well as outside of the city, it’s made my life so much easier. Now that we don’t have a car, the helpfulness of a wrap has skyrocketed!
I started wearing Yirmiyahu when he was less than two weeks old, at our first post-hospital doctor visit. Every time I needed to take a bus to another city for another appointment for him, I felt so grateful to have the stretchy wrap – the option would be taking a bulky stroller that I’d have to fold with one hand while holding him with the other, while simultaneously try to board the bus and pay without falling over! Not a fun thought. Like this, he’s securely held in place even when my hands are full or occupied, and I don’t have to drag extra baby paraphenalia around with me.
I also find it useful for when I need to get around locally, like trips to the store or for my daily walk to pick up ds5 from kindergarten. He stays cozy snuggled against me while I get my errands done. Today I tried a new way of wearing him, which I think is an improvement for him. Since babies with T21 have more flexible joints, you’re supposed to keep their legs together as much as possible. When I would put him in the wrap facing towards me, I always arranged his legs so they would be together, but now I’m wearing him facing sideways (similar to the cradle hold) and it’s easier to be sure his legs stay together the entire time. Both positions are comfortable for me since my back is well-supported. (See picture above.)
Not only is it practical, babywearing is helpful for a baby’s development in a number of ways. Dr. Bill Sears says that babywearing stimulates the baby’s vestibular system, and that the stimulation “helps babies breathe and grow better, regulates their physiology, and improves motor development” (Sears and Sears 2001). At the same time that babywearing offers the baby stimulation, it’s also calming for them.
I think that because he’s in the wrap versus a stroller that Yirmiyahu gets noticed alot, because he’s at chest level for people walking by so they don’t have to look down and into a stroller to see him. That means lots of smiles and comments about how cute he is, as well as comments about the wrap itself. Today the bus driver asked me as I was paying, if the baby was comfortable. I’ve had people tell me he’s too hot, too cold, too squished, too young to be out, his head isn’t supported enough,his head should be covered because of the sun or air conditioning, his legs should be hanging out, his legs shouldn’t be hanging out, he’s not secure enough – but since they usually tell me how cute he is at the same time, I don’t mind too much! I think of it as a nice thing about living in Israel, that strangers care enough to tell you how to take care of your child.
I was fortunate to be given this wrap by an online friend (who is also a blog reader) when she finished using it with her son, and it’s gotten tons of use since then! I’ve shared it with a friend in Michigan, who used it for months and then mailed it back to me when she finished with it. Then I moved to Israel and I shared it with two different friends here. And now I’m using it once again. It’s gotten lots of mileage and I anticipate that it will get a lot more usage before I’m ready to move Yirmiyahu into the mei tai.
I’ve been asked by lots of people if I use this in the house, and the answer is, rarely. It’s really useful but when the kids are home, there’s always someone (usually more than one someone) who is waiting to hold Yirmiyahu. He’s rarely put down unless he’s sleeping, though sometimes someone will put him in the baby seat and rock him. More often, when one person is finished holding him, they pass him to the next person waiting. Now that the kids started school, I’m hearing daily complaints from several of them that they hardly get to hold him anymore. Problems, problems. 🙂
This morning I woke up feeling inadequate to deal with the needs of all of my children, and felt particularly guilty that I’m not doing enough for Yirmiyahu. I was originally told that he’d get an appointment at the child development center around the age of 4 – 6 months, and I thought that it would be okay to wait for that. I’ve bought some books and have doing some things at home with him to aid in his development, and thought I was on the ball. But at ten weeks old, I’m now feeling like I’m behind since I’ve been told recently by several parents of children with Trisomy 21 that I’m supposed to be getting him to therapy appointments by now. That’s not so easy here since I can’t make the appointments until they’ve processed all the initial paperwork we’ve submitted so I have to wait for them to contact me.
Well, G-d is very good to me and knows my limitations, because this morning as I was sitting in the doctor’s office for another child, the child development office called to tell the doctor that they had an opening for today and wanted me to have it, but weren’t able to reach me. She smilingly looked at me and told them, “They’re sitting right in my office this minute!” I was so happy to get the appointment with a physical therapist and get the process started for him.
Later that day when I went for my appointment, I was a bit disappointed about it all. No, not disappointed. Discouraged is more accurate. When I got there, they asked me questions about the baby and a number of questions I didn’t see as directly relevant to a physical evaluation, like how old he was when I found out he had Trisomy 21, where I was notified about it, how they told me. But they finally finished with that and I was happy we were going to get down to business of them evaluating him physically and giving me suggestions of exercises I could do with him at home.
That wasn’t what they had in mind! They were nice, but I can’t explain the tone that all of the questions/comments were made in – very kindly, not quite condescendingly and not quite patronizingly, but it didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy at all. I felt like it was a psychological intake, and that somehow everything I said was a reflection of my poor parenting. For starters, my husband didn’t come – it didn’t even occur to us that he should. They wanted to know why (he has to work!) and said that he really should be there for every single visit. Then after asking about our family (Did you finish high school? Really, you finished high school?), children (where do they each go to school? How do you get them to school each day?), I was asked about if I give Yirmiyahu any vitamins. I told them yes, that I supplement with Nutrivene-D, a special formulation for people with Down sydrome, as well as probiotics. (What? Did the doctor tell you to do that? And you thought it was okay to give that to him on your own?)
Then they told me that I don’t support his head properly when I hold him. A bit later they asked me what position he sleeps in, and when I said that he sometimes is on his stomach, asked me what gave me the idea that I should do that. I explained I do this specifically to help him develop his muscle strength and because tummy time is known to be very important developmentally, and they told me that even though I thought I was helping, I’m endangering him and there’s no benefit to him anyway.
Then they weighed him – he’s hardly gained any weight. They told me that he needs supplementing with formula since the nursing is too tiring for him and taking too much effort. (I’ve been very concerned about if he’s been eating enough, so in this case I appreciated their feedback although I didn’t totally agree with their conclusions.)
They put him on the padded table to watch his movements for about fifteen minutes; they said that his body motions are at an eight week level, which I suppose is good since his gestational age is eight weeks (he was born at 38 weeks). They seemed to say that because there are movements that are ingrained in a young baby from before he’s born that then disappear, that what we were seeing might be from then and not reflective of his movement ability now. I wasn’t sure what the significance of this was.
When it was finally time to leave after an hour and a half, I put the baby in the wrap. And then I was told that was dangerous, that I was causing head extensions and I needed to put him in differently. By this point, he was screaming and needed to be fed, and I didn’t have much patience anymore for listening to someone tell me that every single thing I was doing was harming him. I had walked in with so much positivity and as I walked out, I felt like all the things that I had done specifically to aid in his development had been turned around as wrong. It wasn’t the best feeling that I’ve ever had.
But this was just the ‘getting to know you’ meeting, and hopefully next time we’ll actually move to more assessment and skill development. For now, I’m going to have to pat my own back for the efforts I’m making with Yirmiyahu, and will continue to stay open to their assistance and suggestions.
I started writing a post about preparing for school in Israel, and how you basically are given very little information that you need until the last minute or past the last minute. I was going to share that to let people know this is normal so they don’t get frustrated, but I decided to delete it because it sounded negative and I don’t like to be negative, so instead I’ll share about the first day of school today.
Today was such a good day! It was so dramatically different from when everyone began school last year – at that time none of us knew any of the teachers, administrators, kids in the classes. We didn’t know what the school rules or schedules were, what supplies we needed; all of the kids except the high school girls were signed up for school after the school year officially began. The kids didn’t speak Hebrew and hardly understood anything going on in the classes, and were extremely limited in communicating with their classmates.
And this year? I know the teachers and principals at each school, and they know our children and their needs. (I spoke with two principals yesterday to make sure they understand the kids will continue to need academic support throughout this year.) The kids now understand Hebrew (varying levels of this, but in every case it’s much, much better than last year) and most of them were going into familiar school situations. Everyone left with backpacks filled with the requisite school supplies, with the appropriate uniforms – last year it took a week to buy what we needed for dd10 since they didn’t sell anything that fit the school requirements in the city (the school sells uniforms but only had clothes left for very little girls). They all came home positive, basically saying how big a difference it was between this year and last year.
Yesterday ds6 participated in the orientation for first graders – the parents of the first graders and the first graders were invited to the school in the late afternoon, and the principal and teacher went over school rules and what the boys will be learning while the boys did an activity together. This was the second meeting for incoming first graders; the first was several months ago and I was very pleased they did this. It took away the unfamiliarity of a new situation and helped the kids become familiar with their teacher, classroom, and classmates, and ds6 had a great first day of school today. I ‘ve been vacillating about where to put him in school and questioning the decision that I had made, as well as the reasons that I made the decision I did – it’s hard to send to a school that hardly anyone in the charedi community is sending to, and sometimes I doubt myself and wonder, if my reasons are so good, why doesn’t anyone else who shares my concerns make a similar choice? But yesterday at the orientation I had a feeling of peace that it really was the right thing to do.
Ds4 (will be five in a week and a half) had the hardest time today. I had been anticipating that it would be pretty smooth for him to begin kindergarten, since he was entering the class that ds6 was in last year, and he accompanied me every day to pick up ds6, so he was familiar with the teacher and the building. But a few days ago I found out that they shuffled the teachers and class locations, so he now is in a building that he’s never been in, with teachers he’s never seen before. One positive part is that he knows a number of the boys from last year, despite the shuffling of the boys in the classes into different groupings. Another positive aspect is that thanks to the shuffling, his class size is now 22, down from 34 last year, which was overwhelming for him. When I took him in to the kindergarten class, I was pleased that the atmosphere was so calm, since lots of noise and stimulation is hard for him.
I stayed with him for 45 minutes, then thought it was a good time to leave since he seemed comfortable and told him I would be back later to pick him up. As I was walking out of the courtyard, he came running out presumably to say goodbye again, then burst into tears. The teacher told me to leave him there, that he was crying because I was there and it would be easier for him if I left him, but that’s not my belief. I understand why it seems to work better to leave children despite their crying and screaming, but when they do quiet down, what looks like their acceptance of a new situation is often them shutting down emotionally because they feel unsafe. Resignation and acceptance are very different emotions that look quite similar from the outside. I was reminded of Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s statement that peer oriented children look so much better than parent oriented children, because they seem more confident and look as if they’re doing better in new situations. Looks can be deceiving. To the teacher, I only said that everyone knows their own child and I didn’t think it would be a good idea for ds4 to leave him there against his will. I took him home and we’ll give him a chance to adjust to kindergarten more slowly, so that when we leave him there, he feels comfortable with it. Pushing him to stay there before he’s ready isn’t going to be beneficial to him.
I wasn’t looking forward to school starting – it feels like the summer went by too quickly and since it was the postpartum period for me, I didn’t spend the kind of time I wanted to with the kids. Nonetheless, the kids had a nice summer and despite my reluctance for the summer to end, I’m glad that they all had such a positive start to this year.
>>I was wondering how this nursing around the clock is affecting your other children, especially the younger ones? I am not saying to ditch the nursing and switch to the bottle, but I wonder about the cumulative effect on the family.<<
This is a very reasonable question!
When the baby was born, I stayed with him in the hospital for the first four days. A friend called to let me to know that the hospital had apartments that could be rented for a nominal sum so that I could stay with the baby over Shabbos after I was discharged, and I told her that I planned to go home. She wanted to know what would happen with giving him my milk, since I was pumping and he was getting it through a feeding tube, but I couldn’t get ahead enough to leave him with enough until I would be able to come back on Sunday morning. I told her that the staff would give him formula when the milk I left him ran out, and though it wasn’t ideal, my kids at home needed me, too. She answered, “Oh”, and I thought that she was keeping her disapproval of my choice to herself, that I wasn’t devoted enough to my newborn baby.
The next day I got an email from her. She wrote how much she admired me for being willing to give the baby formula even though it clearly wasn’t my preference in order to be there with my other children. She shared her regret that when she had a very medically needy child several years before, she was so focused on being there for him that she wasn’t able to give her other little children what they needed – her presence.
A week or so later, another friend called. About a year ago, she had a baby who was born with serious health issues; we had talked about this when we last chatted around the time we made a bar mitzva, and she wanted to let me know that an article about her and her baby had just been published in Binah a few days before to flesh out our conversation. I filled her in on our news (she hadn’t yet heard we’d had a baby), and we got to discussing exactly this point, of how to find balance between the very real needs of a sick infant and all the children at home. She told me that looking back, she regrets one particular choice because it took too much time that could have been spent with her children at home.
But the fact is, hindsight is always 20/20. These women are both wonderful mothers who are very devoted to their families, and although they may be hard on themselves for what they could have done differently, I’m positive they made the best choice they could at the time. I’m making what I think are the right choices based on what I can see in front of me right now. I feel very strongly that nursing this baby is a priority right now, for the reasons I shared in my recent post. It’s true that I’m more limited in time and energy than I would otherwise be. But I’m trying to be available for the other kids, too. When I’m nursing or pumping, it’s not like I fell off the face of the planet – I’m still at home, even if I’m spending much more time in my bedroom than the living room. The door is open and the kids come in and out all the time, to talk or hold the baby or to read with me. (I can’t read to the littles when I’m nursing, but I do read to them when I’m pumping.) An advantage of giving Yirmiyahu a bottle is that feeding him isn’t limited to just me. The kids take turns giving him bottles, and all them get to do this – including our three year old. They all vie for the chance to hold him, and I make sure that they all get to do that – I think it’s important that they feel this is ‘our baby’, not “my baby’. So I involve them as much as they want to be involved with his care.
Also, the littles get a lot of attention from their older siblings, especially now with it being summer vacation. Though I’d like to be able to to more with them, they do have brothers and sisters who spend time with them. Sometimes it’s something special, like ds19 taking ds6 for a two hour bike ride. Sometimes it’s something ordinary, like dd11 or ds10 taking them to the park a couple of buildings away. Whatever it is, they aren’t being neglected or ignored.
Balancing the needs of a new baby with other children is a challenge that most mothers face in the early postpartum period, even if there aren’t medical complications. Actually, this isn’t limited to postpartum. This is an ongoing parenting issue, of balancing the needs of all of your children, and sometimes one child will really need you more than the others. Being fair doesn’t mean giving everyone the same thing, but giving each child what he needs. Sometimes you do have to make compromises in order to help the one who needs it most. But the reality is that a mother’s physical and emotional energies are limited; we simply can’t be everything to everyone all of the time, and we shouldn’t even have that expectation. We have to be careful not to beat ourselves up for what we can’t do. Hashem gave us these children and Hashem gives us the challenges that we need to grow, and part of that is learning to accept our limitations and love ourselves the same way we love our children with their imperfections. In any given situation, we can only do our best, and ask Hashem to give us the wisdom to make good choices and the strength to follow through.
