Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Genetic test results…

    This morning dh and I traveled to Nahariya to meet with a genetic specialist to get results of testing that was done when the baby was in the hospital.  After 2.5 weeks, we finally have some definite answers!

    When our baby was about three hours old, a doctor told dh that he had some features that are common to babies with Trisomy 21 ( also known as Down syndrome), but, she added, sometimes within a few hours these features change.  When dh told me that, I paused for about half a minute to think about that, and then said, “That doesn’t make any sense.  How can features change, and what features is she talking about?”

    Dh didn’t know, and when I saw the doctor for the first time an hour or so later, after she finished telling us about all the medical issues the baby was facing I asked her what features she was commenting on.  After she told me, I said, “You’re pretty sure it’s Down syndrome, aren’t you?”  “Yes”,  she nodded, as she looked back at me worriedly.  Okay, I thought to myself, so that’s it.

    I took the baby for a nursing session and told dh what she said.  We both felt that Hashem (G-d) was giving us a vote of confidence, as if to say, “You’ve dealt with all the challenges I’ve sent you so well that now I know you can be trusted to raise this special gift.”   It’s hard for me to describe this without sounding woo-woo, but I had a sense of Hashem shining a loving light all over dh and me and our baby.

    The next morning, a nurse came in to ask me how I was doing and talk to me; she was sent because they want to be emotionally supportive of parents who are getting news like this.  It turns out she was an English speaker and I enjoyed chatting with her.  She told me what an amazing attitude I have, and that she’s not worried about me emotionally – she even told me that I’m going to add a lot to the support community for DS here in Israel!  (I thought that was highly optimistic of her being that after the first night in the hospital I was seriously sleep deprived.)

    After her a social worker came in to talk to me, and within just a minute or two of meeting me said, “I don’t know why, but I have a sense that you’ve already accepted this and feel peace about the situation.”  And I told her she was right, and then shared with her my thoughts that our newest baby was purely a blessing and nothing else.  Our baby is our baby and he is precious to us no matter what; hearing about the likelihood of Down syndrome didn’t change our feelings toward him at all (except to make us feel even more loving and protective of him).

    Later on I would speak with doctors, mostly neonatologoists – though at one meeting I met with the head neonatologist, the pediatric hematologist, and the geneticist all at once.  (Having these medical conversations in Hebrew was definitely a linguistic stretch!)  Each of them told me all the specifics about the baby’s situation that they were each responsible for; the geneticist was last.  And she said to me, “I don’t know how – is it faith? – but you seem very accepting about this.”  But we still didn’t have a firm diagnosis, and until the testing was done, we didn’t discuss the possibility of T21 with any but a very few close friends.

    Unfortunately, the first testing results failed and had to be done from the beginning, which meant that we didn’t get a diagnosis until today.  Waiting was really the hardest thing about this situation, since our inclination was to be open with whoever we spoke to about the baby and we couldn’t do that.

    Dh and I left the house at 5:40 am to make our bus connections to get to our 8 am appointment at the genetic institute – they won’t give results over the phone – and it was oddly anticlimactic once we got there.  Basically the geneticist said, “Just as you already thought, it’s Down syndrome.”  Then she showed us a picture of the typical chromosome arrangement, then a chart that showed the T21 chromosome arrangement, then asked if we had any questions.  (I thought to myself, “This is what I woke up at 4 am for???)  When scheduling appointments they leave time for counseling the parents but we really didn’t need any help in coming to terms with this, so that’s why our appointment was so brief!

    We had to see the pediatric hematologist while there, as well as the social worker, and dh commented when we finally left the hospital that it seemed as if all the staff we encountered was expecting to catch us emotionally as we fell apart -they all had furrowed brows and concerned looks as they asked us what we had heard from genetics that morning, and then asked us how we were doing when we told them the results showed T21.  (I told him that’s how it was the entire time I was at the hospital -he wasn’t there after the first night.)

    I’m really glad to have the official diagnosis and no longer have ambiguity about what we’re dealing with.  Not only that, today we got the go ahead from the hematologist for the bris, which will take place on Sunday afternoon.  We feel so blessed with all the good that is overflowing in our lives!

    Avivah

  • Thoughts on our NICU experience

    I mentioned in a post last week that we were fortunate to end up at the hospital that had a good NICU, but I didn’t say that it is not only good, but actually the best neonatal unit in northern Israel.  Our experience at this hospital – Western Galilee Nahariya Hospital – has been very positive, and I want to share about some things that we appreciated.

    Firstly, the staff in the NICU is warm and supportive as was the staff in the high risk maternity ward, where I stayed for four days after the birth).  The NICU has a high ratio of nurses to babies (I don’t know if it’s always like this, but our nurse was responsible for just two babies and when he was in isolation he had his own nurse), and it felt like someone was always watching our baby and making sure things were okay.

    The neonatal doctors were very professional, and I was impressed at how available they were.  Literally any time I went over to any doctor to find out what the latest with our baby was, they were right away available to speak to me.  Not only that, they always knew the details of what was happening with the baby without having to even check the records.  There were specialists who also checked the baby, and they also made time to sit down with me to detail everything and be sure I understood what was going on and had a chance to ask questions.

    The nurses were extremely encouraging and supportive of breastfeeding.  They encourage all mothers to pump milk for their babies from the very beginning, and have a room with two hospital grade pumps, seating, a water cooler, and a privacy screen for when two women are in the room at once.  They show each mother how to use the pumps, where the equipment is, etc.  If you don’t have enough milk, they will supplement with formula but prefer not to have to do this.

    Logistically I wasn’t able to pump enough for my baby’s needs for part of the time he was in the NICU (got behind when I was away for Shabbos) so he did need to be supplemented.  The nurses regularly reminded me to be sure I left him enough milk so they wouldn’t have to give him formula.  One nurse told me, “Mother’s milk is the best and most precious thing!”  This seems to be the feeling all the nurses shared.

    When I was gone for Shabbos, I left several containers of frozen milk there for the baby, and though they prefer that parents prepare the exact amount necessary for each feeding, they understood that I wouldn’t know how much to prepare in advance (since every day the amount the baby was given was upped, usually twice a day), and were willing to defrost it and take care of it themselves rather than give him formula.  When I was finally able to nurse my baby, the nurses offered breastfeeding advice and made sure that I knew what I was doing (though the social worker and nurse joked together that I could probably give the staff lessons!).

    The day after I left, I had to call the NICU about something, and the person who answered the phone immediately knew who I was.  There are so many nurses and staff on hand at all times, that this was impressive to me – they all know what’s going on with the babies, and which parents belong to which babies.

    I’m really glad to be home but the NICU at Nahariya Hospital was a very positive experience for us.

    Avivah

  • Baby’s homecoming

    Yesterday morning I was at the hospital at 9:15 am, as usual. When I came in, a nurse asked me if I was ready to take my baby home that day, and I said I certainly was!

    Our baby in his corner of the NICU – after being unhooked from most of his paraphanelia

    About an hour and a half later, I asked the nurse to check that the paperwork would be ready when I needed to leave, sometime around noon. She told me she didn’t think so, that it would take a long time. I spoke to the head doctor and he told me they wouldn’t get back the latest bloodwork until 12:30, and only at that time would they know if they would release him. And then they’d start preparing the paperwork at that point.

    I was in a bit of a dilemma. There are only two buses each day from my city to the city where the hospital was. One left at 12:45 pm, and the other left six hours later. If I waited around to find out if they were releasing the baby or not, I would have to take the later bus and would be away from my other children all day long, from 8 am – 8 pm. It wasn’t certain that I’d be able to bring the baby home even if I did stay, and if I didn’t, I’d be back the next morning as usual.

    So after going back and forth in my mind about what to do, I told them I’d leave as usual and come back the next morning to get him. I know too well that when someone tells you something will be done by 12:30, it can be another two hours until it happens, and then they’ll tell you the office where something else needs to happen closed in the meantime, and you can waste hours and a lot of emotional energy waiting for something to happen.

    And that’s what I did. I knew the baby was in good hands and even though I really didn’t want to go back home without him after being geared up to take him home (especially knowing how disappointed the kids would be if I came home myself), I took my regular bus home. It was 2 pm when I got home, and five minutes after that dh got home from another appointment for another child in another city (:)), and told me a friend had called and offered to drive me to pick up the baby. I was exhausted by then and the thought of going back to this city and getting the baby really felt beyond my physical capacity.  And I wasn’t even sure the paperwork would be ready if I did.

    So dh called the hospital and they said the head doctor had authorized everything already (before I left I spoke to him and requested that as soon as the results come in, that he prepare the release paperwork so I wouldn’t be in the same situation the next morning when I came in). Dh has missed tons of work time between needing to be available for our child who was hospitalized for two weeks (two weeks before I gave birth), and then this baby being in the NICU for ten days. So he really couldn’t go to the hospital to pick up the baby, though usually he would do this knowing how wiped out I was.

    I decided even though I was so tired it would be really nice to bring the baby home that day, and easier to do it with a friend driving me than by bus the next day. I’m really glad we did it this way, because even driving directly there, it was a 3.5 hour process! Another good thing was that she had a car seat she brought along for me to borrow, and the NICU staff said they couldn’t release him until they saw the car seat! I had a baby wrap and was planning to wear him until we got to the parking lot where we were parked, because it’s so much easier than carrying a baby around in a heavy car seat. But they said that wasn’t allowed, which left me wondering if they would have released the baby if I had only had the baby wrap and no car seat (like that morning), since I was planning to take a bus?

    They gave me an extensive list of medical follow up care that will keep me busy the next two or three weeks – a visit to our pediatrician, a nephrologist, a hematologist, a pediatric cardiologist, need to get an ultrasound done, more bloodwork, a visit with the child development center – I know I’m forgetting stuff but I have it written down.  Some of these can be taken care of in our city but two of them will need to be at the hospital next week.  I was busy on the phone this morning trying to get the first of these appointments made, which was challenging since as a newborn he’s not yet registered at the clinic and they told me I wasn’t able to make appointments other than for the pediatrician.  Tomorrow after that visit I should be able to get the rest of the appointments scheduled.

    Admiring baby in car seat right after we got home

    The kids were so excited to see the baby! Most of the kids were waiting outside for me when I got home, and from the point we got into our home until late that evening, the baby wasn’t put down for even a second. He just was passed from person to person.  Even when he’s sleeping, someone is holding him.

    Sleeping but still being held
    So many siblings to admire him!

    “Oh my gosh, he’s SOOO cute!” – this is what I heard for hours, and then it started again as soon as he woke up again in the morning. It’s really nice how excited everyone is about the baby. And it’s so nice to be home!

    Avivah

  • Update on our baby

    I’m sorry I haven’t been posting; I know many of you have been concerned about what’s happening with our baby.  I’ve been going to the hospital to be with him every day and that takes almost six hours a day, which especially in the immediate postpartum stage takes a lot of energy.  So I’ve been too tired to blog.

    But I feel like I have to update you because I don’t want anyone to think that the absence of posting means things aren’t going well.  Actually, the baby is doing amazingly!  His white blood cell count is down to normal, his heart is functioning totally normally (no sign of the structural problems they expected to find), he’s off oxygen and breathing normally on his own, and he’s off a feeding tube.  Yesterday I was able to nurse him for the first time, and today the doctor said that he can eat as much and as often as he wants.

    And more cautiously good news is that the doctor said we should be able to bring him home tomorrow!  Assuming that he continues to do as well as he’s been doing until now, is the only caveat.  We were hoping at best that he’d be home for Shabbos, so this was beyond what we were hoping for.  The kids are very excited and hopefully when I call the hospital in the morning before I catch my bus, they’ll tell me that we still have a go-ahead for that!

    To all of you who kept us in your prayers, thank you very much – they obviously worked!

    Avivah

  • Taking steps to avoid postpartum depression

    I don’t want to be presumptuous nor hurtful, so please ignore me if I’m out of place, but…

    You did undergo a majorly negative emotional experience and also don’t have as much time to bond with your baby as usual, and I’m concerned about the potential of PPD creeping in. I am positive you know the best ways to abet it and I’m not here to tell you that, but with all that is going on, please watch out for yourself too…not just the health of your baby.

    Firstly, I appreciate the concern!

    I’m in no way an expert about postpartum depression – far from it.  But I’ll share my thoughts about this here, because it is something I’ve thought about for the last few weeks.  Why for the past weeks?  Because I’ve had a lot on my plate recently and I think these things can dribble over beyond the birth experience in how they affect you if you aren’t consciously dealing with them.

    As mothers we can’t just take care of everyone else.  At a certain point we’ll just collapse physically and/or emotionally if we can’t find space for ourselves.  This is something I was very consciously trying to attend to, to find space for me to take care of myself.  I was talking with a friend who shared with me her thoughts about how crucial fun is, especially for people like us who are so responsible that we consider checking off everything on our ‘to do’ list to be the  most fun thing about our day!  🙂

    Yesterday she sent me an email in which she followed up with our recent talk, and shared her criteria for fun: 1) it feeds your soul; b) it empowers you; and c) there isn’t a goal.  What’s fun for you might not be fun for someone else.   My husband plays tennis, guitar and draws – all of which are renewing for him but not one of those things would be fun for me.  If I sit in front of a waterfall by myself for an hour, that’s my ‘fun’ – not what you might think of when thinking of fun as it’s typically defined, but it definitely meets the three criteria.

    For me, it’s ‘fun’ to have time to myself.  That’s why my hospital vacation was so valuable for me at this time.  These last few days have been invaluable in processing the birth and finding a lot of inner peace.  It’s been very renewing to have time to myself and that’s why I haven’t answered the phone hardly at all and have told anyone who wanted to visit that I really would rather be left to myself for now.  It’s been great!  Even my husband wasn’t here after the first night, until he came to pick me up yesterday (before we knew I’d be allowed to stay another day).

    People sometimes tell me how positive I am, so this next point is one that I also try to be conscious of.  I think a person has to be very careful about being positive versus putting on a happy face for the world and being miserable inside.  You really have to be honest with yourself about who you are and what your limitations are.  There’s a lightness inside when you’re feeling positive.  When you’re putting on a happy face, it’s more like you’re weighted down by smiling because you know that you’re fooling everyone else but really inside you’re miserable.  I don’t feel I have to tell everyone around me how miserable I am but it’s not a value for me to pretend to be what I’m not.

    Physically, I’ve been loading up on B vitamins because that’s an important preventive aspect for PPD – I’ve been taking two heaping tablespoons of brewers yeast in my milk every morning leading up to the birth (don’t have it here in the hospital), in addition to herbs, rescue remedy (for the trauma), and other vitamins.

    As far as bonding with the baby, it’s been amazing being at the hospital with just him, and getting to sit and be with him for hours without interruption. There’s no pressure or expectation of how much I have to be with him or how I should interact with him – it’s my experience to have in the way that’s meaningful to me.   I can stand over his crib and talk or sing to him, or massage him, or give him a kiss – or none of those – and it’s all okay.  If I just sit next to him without touching him or talking to him, it’s okay. If I rest my head on the side of his crib and fall asleep holding his hand, it’s okay.  It’s been another renewing and relaxing aspect of being at the hospital – I’m here as his mother because I want to be, not because he’s screaming to be held or changed or fed and I have to do it.  I don’t have to do any of it; all of those things can be done by the NICU staff.  But they can’t be his mother and love him like I do.

    Last night I was with him when the nurse suddenly said to me, “Your baby loves you, do you know that?”  I looked up and asked her why she said that.  She pointed to the monitor and she said, “Look at how his breathing gets better when you’re here.”  I didn’t know what numbers on the monitor corresponded to what, so she showed me how his oxygenation level went all the way up to the maximum when I was with him.  So it looks like we’re bonding  pretty well even if I’m not nursing him.  🙂

    I’ve been thinking about how to manage the transition back to home.  After being gone for four days – and I’m hardly ever gone more than a few hours – I’m anticipating a lot of emotional intensity on the part of the littles, and just because the older kids are older doesn’t mean they don’t have some emotion to me not being around.  I’ve made the effort to physically rest earlier in the day so I’ll have energy to actively be with them, and also thought about some special ways I can be with them each one on one.

    This birth experience definitely had some strongly negative aspects to it, but I haven’t denied my feelings to myself about it, or suppressed it or not felt the sadness of the difference between what I wanted and what I got.  I’ve been resolving it inside myself.  And you know what?  Sometimes you get powerful help in putting things in perspective.  Yesterday the baby in the incubator right next to my baby died – he was born the day before my baby.  The day before another baby died just an hour after she was born.  I feel like a very lucky woman to have my gorgeous baby boy.  And that’s not just putting on a happy face.

    Avivah

  • My hospital vacation

    A few weeks ago I saw a notice that a three day women’s retreat was being generously subsidized and though I usually look at these retreats as something nice but not for me at this stage, this time I really, really wanted to go.  I was feeling a lot of pressure to take care of many things (all of which were very important), and I was emotionally salivating at the thought of some time to myself away from everyone and everything.

    But when I called about the subsidized price, it was only a discount of 100 shekels from the total price of 750, which wasn’t really a compelling discount for me.  So I told myself it obviously wasn’t meant to be, and Hashem would send me what I was meant to have when I was meant to have it.

    Today I was thinking how amazing it is that I didn’t have to wait long for my paid for vacation getaway, right here in the hospital!  This is just one more example of how sometimes things that look bad really can turn out beautifully!

    To recap, I had a baby at the beginning of this week and contrary to my plan to leave the hospital as soon as possible, my baby needed to be in the NICU.  And that meant that I needed to be in the hospital with him.

    When I was first taken to my room, my initial impression was that it was dreary and depressing.  There was no lock on the bathroom door, the room was super dumpy, and I couldn’t get anything to eat since I arrived at the hospital half hour after dinner was served.  I was separated from my two roommates by a thin curtain which is pretty normal here but both of them were very talkative with visitors and cell phones.  One roommate insisted she needed all of the overhead fluorescents on late in the evening (after 11 pm) because the partial lighting to her section of the room wasn’t enough for her to see her baby.  During the part of the night when people usually sleep, I was repeatedly woken from my partial restless sleep by non stop sounds of crying babies being wheeled down the hallways and in and out of my room.  I finally feel into a deep sleep out of sheer exhaustion when at 2:30 am, a nurse walked in, turned on all the overhead lights, and loudly asked, “Which one of you is Avivah?”  When I told her I was, she told me I needed bloodwork done.  The reason I know it was 2:30 despite not having a watch is that I blearily said, “Bloodwork now?  Isn’t it something like 3 in the  morning?”  And she briskly responded, “Of course right now!  It’s 2:30.”  There’s no time like the present, right?  🙂

    When my baby was transferred from the regular nursery to the NICU, he was on a different floor than I was which meant a long walk for me.  And when preparing for sleep and then again in the morning, I had nothing I needed from home like pajamas, a change of clothes, a toothbrush or hairbrush because of having to rush out with the ambulance.   Fortunately, that was just the first night!

    Then I was offered the chance to be transferred to the high risk maternity ward, which was on the same floor as the NICU, and I jumped at the opportunity.  Nothing against women who just had babies, but hearing babies screaming right next to me all night long just isn’t refreshing.  When I got to my new room, I was pleasantly surprised to see everything about it was much newer and nicer, the bathroom had a lock (did I mention there are times that I appreciate my privacy? :)), and it was much more convenient to visit my baby in the NICU.

    Another bonus was when I found out that I had wireless internet service in my new room, which I didn’t have in the first room.  This was great because I could be in touch with people to share our good news, not to mention post here!

    Though I’m not exactly sitting around all day drinking martinis or lolling on the beach, I do have a chance to spend the day with my own thoughts and without being responsible for anyone but myself and the baby.  My day is full – filled with being in the NICU with the baby and pumping for him, speaking with doctors and nurses and eating meals (I haven’t had a chance for a nap yet) – but it’s not a stressful kind of full.  It’s really different than having a newborn who is nursing and being held all day long.

    I can take a shower when I want, and if I pump an hour later or earlier, it doesn’t really matter.  I don’t love being away from my other children but they’re all doing great, working together to get things done and people have been very generous with their offers of help.  The food here is decent and meals are served on time with no effort needed on my part except to go get it from the dining room.  The nurses have all been pleasant and only come around a couple of times a day to check temps and blood pressure.  I’ve figured out where everything I need is without having to ask them to get it for me, which I appreciate because it takes so much longer to get something when you have to ask someone and then wait for them to bring it (I know since one morning I asked for my breakfast tray to be brought to me since I was asleep when it was being served and didn’t want to rush to get dressed before it was cleared away (I don’t walk around in a robe in a hospital, I have to be fully dressed just like anywhere else), and it took them an hour to bring it- and the dining room is a two minute walk away!).  So I’m pretty much set.

    Today the doctor was filling out my release paperwork, and kind of rhetorically asked, “Right you’re supposed to be released today?”  So I answered kind of jokingly, “Yes, but if you want to let me stay here another day I’ll be very happy to stay!”  She looked at me and asked if I meant it, and I told her I did, that it would help me a lot since my baby was in the NICU and wasn’t coming home with me.  So she said she’d request authorization and let me know.

    Dh was already here to pick me up when we had this interchange (and had unfortunately spent a lot of money renting a vehicle since he didn’t want me to have to go home using public transportation), but she came back in a short time later to tell me the insurance company had approved the request, and that I could be here for another day!  This was such a nice surprise and a really big help to me! Until now I’ve been able to pump enough for the baby to almost keep up with his feeding schedule, but not to get ahead.  By being here a bit longer, I’ll hopefully be able to prepare feedings for Shabbos and Sunday morning, and I’m going to try to take  advantage of this last day and actively plan a nap so that I’ll get back home refreshed and ready to fully be available emotionally for my other kids.

    I feel really fortunate to have been able to have this bit of a breather.  I wrote in a recent post about the stress I felt from the chaos of the entire birth and post-birth process, and this was a really valuable chance for me to recharge before going back home to be with everyone.

    Avivah

  • Moving from shellshocked to grateful

    Shellshocked – that’s how I was feeling after this birth.  I felt disconnected from almost every part of the process.  Here’s what I wrote to process some of my feelings while waiting to see our baby:

    ************************

    I feel powerless at how so many people were suddenly involved in our private moment and there was no time to savor the birth. I didn’t have any time to process any part of the birth or to have quiet moments to share with my husband or our children.

    I feel upset to have been treated like I was controlling when I wanted to at least have some say in things that were important to me after the birth, not even to be able to go to the bathroom or shower without someone trying to walk in.

    I feel frustrated to get to the hospital and not feel even minimally equipped with what I would have felt was important to have on hand.

    I feel cheated of a certain kind of experience, of serenity or at least privacy.

    I feel so upset that my baby almost stopped belonging to me after I got to the hospital; it feels so wrong to be apart from him for such a long time and to hardly be able to catch more than a glance of him from the time he was born until now.

    I really want to go home and be in my own bed, to be with people who I love around me.

    I want to cry for all that I missed in this birth, and I feel guilty for feeling so sad and empty when I should be so happy. It’s just all so different than what I wanted.

    ————————–

    At about 11 pm, the nurse from the nursery asked me to come and try to nurse the baby again since he had woken up.  (I had to give him back to be put on a warmer after the first time I tried to nurse him.)  After I finished holding him (since he was too sleepy to nurse), we were asked to come to the nursery to speak to the doctor.

    This was the point when I was able to change from sad/mad to glad.  I had made a list of things I was grateful for before this but I didn’t make the internal shift until this conversation.  This was the first time a staff member told me what was happening, and it changed my entire view of the situation.

    The baby had been having trouble breathing since he arrived, and had to repeatedly be stabilized.  In addition to this, his heartrate was fluctuating significantly and had to be monitored.  He wasn’t maintaining his body temperature.  The blood test showed an extremely high white blood cell count.  He was jaundiced and was too weak to physically nurse.  And the doctor told us at this point that they wanted to move him to the newborn intensive care unit immediately.

    It was when I looked in the eyes of the doctor that I saw how compassionate she was, that she had been trying not to overwhelm us by telling us all these things at once.  This is why they kept pushing off letting me hold the baby, and why they insisted I had to stay close by the nursery when I held him.

    And when I understood this, I suddenly was able to see why everything had to go the way it did so that our baby would be in a place where he could be best taken care of.  If I had had a good experience at the first hospital, he would have been born there, but the hospital here has a much better NICU.  If he had pinked up even a couple minutes sooner, we wouldn’t have called the ambulance and wouldn’t have been transported immediately, and we wouldn’t have noticed signs of these issues as they arose the way a professional staff did.  So all of that chaos and seeming unpleasantness of the birth was really there for our good – which intellectually I always know is the case, but it’s so amazing when you have the opportunity to see it clearly.

    And now I feel the entire birth was really the way it was meant to be; though that doesn’t erase the unpleasantness, it makes it much easier to accept.

    The baby is currently in the NICU, and my plans to leave as soon as possible have changed to hoping to stay here as long as possible so I can be with him.  Right now no one knows how long he’ll need to be here; it depends on his response.  Today I was able to pump my milk and that’s what he’s getting now through a tube, which I’m happy about (have to go prepare more feedings after I post this – I put it in labeled syringes of the current amount he’s supposed to eat per feeding).  I spent a long time today just sitting next to him and keeping my hand on him and talking to him so he knows I’m there.

    They’re running a lot of tests on him to see what is wrong, and for now the tests are coming back looking good.  They thought he might have severe heart problems and I was mentally imagining complicated surgeries, but now it looks like his heart is just enlarged.  His breathing is getting better, and he’s under the   phototherapy lights to address the jaundice.  We have to wait out the white blood cell situation (which has already shown improvement), and wait for confirmation on a couple more tests.

    He looks a little like he’s in a spaceship, with so many wires coming out of him and these cute little sunglasses looking band over his eyes to protect them from the bright lights!  He’s as cute as can be, and we’re looking forward to being able to bring him home soon.

    If you’re able to say a prayer for him, I would very much appreciate it.  He hasn’t yet been named so for now, you can pray for Rach hanolad (the newborn baby) ben (son of) Avivah Michaela.  Thank you!

    Avivah

  • Guaranteed results in parenting – a dangerous myth

    Last week I had a call from a very dedicated and devoted parent who has a teenager who is suicidal, and she told me that she can’t understand how she did everything right and her child is doing worse than homes where there was serious dysfunction.  While sharing my thoughts with her, I was reminded of this post that I wrote about 6 – 8 weeks ago that was sitting in my drafts file.  So now’s a good time to dust off that draft!

    I have the opportunity to speak with a good number of people about parenting, and I think there’s a critical point to be made.  Too often parents get gung ho about this approach or that approach to parenting, thinking that they’ve found the answer.  If they just (fill in the gap) – have a natural birth, breastfeed, hold their baby all the time, discipline effectively, show lots of love, homeschool, make sure their kids have lots of extracurriculars, build up their confidence, teach them appropriate social skills, work on themselves to be good role models, etc, then they’re hopeful that they won’t face difficulties as their children get older.  I think that’s a big appeal of a lot of parenting books, that it seems there’s a way to make parenting easy.

    Sorry.  It’s just not like that.

    You can learn lots of great insights and apply them consistently and appropriately, and it can make a big difference.  It can make a huge difference!  But it won’t guarantee a smooth and easy path with every child through every stage of life.  I’ve learned a lot over the years from a variety of sources, but one thing I’m certain of is, there’s nothing that will guarantee the ‘perfect’ family.  I have a special affinity for several authors whose work I found very insightful and powerful, and have incorporated a lot of this material into my life, which has been beneficial for our family.  But to imply that by doing this my family has had smooth sailing throughout the years would be misleading.  Yes, it’s much easier than it would have been without those tools or insights.  But not painless or struggle-free.

    I think we have to be very, very cautious about giving the impression that if you just do ‘xyz’ then your kids will turn out fine.  There are a lot of challenges as parents, and nothing is going to prevent you from having some.  Nothing.  And here’s another point I think is critical that I shared with the mother above – if our child has a struggle, it doesn’t mean we did something wrong.  (It doesn’t mean we did everything right, but that kind of guilt and second guessing – “If only I did something different it would be different” isn’t helpful.)   The spiritual reality is that every child was put into the world for a unique mission and he must develop his soul to achieve his individual life purpose.  That can’t happen without him facing challenges and growing into a better person from them.

    No parent can do everything right.  We have children with different needs and personalities, we have better and worse periods that we go through as adults, and it’s a very painful thing to even intimate to a parent, let alone say outright, that if they followed a particular approach, they wouldn’t have these problems. It’s just not true.

    Even in the absence of hurtful comments of others, we can cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain when we have unrealistic expectations of achieving the perfect family. It doesn’t exist. The best families are those who are striving to do their best and grow with the challenges every single day, who have the humility of knowing that the final results aren’t in their hands, that G-d is an active partner in the parenting process.

    What we can hope for is that we’ll learn effective tools that even during hard times can be applied.  We can strive to grow as people no matter how hard the parenting situation we’re in right now is, and to help our children grow through their difficulties as well.

    As parents, there’s nothing we want more than a good life for our children.  We spend our lives trying to give them everything we can, to iron out life’s wrinkles and spare them the difficulties we’ve had in our own lives.  A friend shared a wonderful quote with me a few days ago when we were discussing this topic: “As a parent you want to carpet the world for your child, but sometimes you need to give them slippers.”  While we want to make it easy and spare our children suffering, often the role we need to play is to give them tools to get through tough times, and to trust that they have the inner reserves to get through the difficulties.

    Avivah

  • The typical school approach to modesty – is it working?

    A couple of weeks ago I posted about my conversation with the principal of the girls’ high school that we were most interested in for our dd15.  At that time, the principal closed the conversation by telling me that although she felt it was forbidden to allow a girl into their school from a family that used the internet, she would send us their ‘takanon’ (school rules) and if we felt we could abide by them, she’d ask a rabbi a personalized question about our family.

    We got the takanon, seven typed pages of mostly rules about modesty in dress. I personally found this very off-putting – our approach to modesty is to model it and talk very little about the technical ‘rules’ with our girls.  Last year when I was visiting Israel, a friend who was a seminary teacher mentioned at a get together in honor of me visiting that ‘you can’t pay girls to look like this nowadays’ (referring to our oldest two girls who were with me).  While I was uncomfortable with this being drawn attention to publicly, modesty is something that isn’t a struggle for dd15.  (Not implying anything about our other girls but this high school situation is about her.)   She has a very strong intrinsic sense of modesty and there’s nothing in her clothing choices that has ever given me pause.

    However, despite every single item she owns being in accordance with Jewish law, nothing in her closet was suitable for the takanon.  Her skirts are too long (skirts can only be between the knee and mid calf and hers are a couple of inches above the ankle), her shirts are made of the wrong material (no cotton knits/tricot allowed), her legs aren’t covered with thick enough material (stockings must be 40 denier thick), her hair isn’t modest enough (no bangs allowed or hair partially pulled up), and the list continues.

    Why, why, why do schools think that imposing increasingly strict rules on girls makes them more sensitive to modesty?  Modesty isn’t something I struggle with, but I still felt like screaming and running in the other direction when I read this long and burdensome list of rules, which are binding on the student  both in and outside of school, in every social situation.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld has coined the term ‘counterwill’ to explain the pyschological phenomenon that comes into play when a person feels coerced or controlled beyond the limits of the relationship.  That means that if you feel very close to someone and they make a suggestion to pull your hair out of your face, you’re likely to do it.  But without that connection, having someone make the same suggestion causes  you want to dig your heels in and do the exact opposite.  I believe that a lot of the resistance to modesty that we see today that the schools are trying to counter with escalating rules, are ironically actually caused by those rules.

    Years ago I was in a small shiur with Rebbetzin Heller when she spoke about modesty.  She stressed the importance of an inside/outside approach – you teach the meaning and beauty of it, and trust women to make external choices that match their inner sensitivity.  At that point, I asked her why it is that virtually all charedi schools teach from an outside/inside approach – stressing the rules and obsessing over minor details, while glossing over the deeper meanings and inspiration about this.  She told me, ‘it’s a problem’.

    No kidding it’s a problem.  I actually wonder how many girls with strict school rules regarding modesty would be inspired to dress in the dictated manner if left to their own discretion.  A day after receiving the takanon and going through it together, dd was babysitting for someone and took their children to the park that is frequented by the local kollel wives.  When she came home, she asked me at what point the Bais Yaakov modesty standards that are expected of charedi girls stops being binding – because she noticed that almost all of the kollel wives were dressed very similarly to her (ie fine halachically and in the spirit of modesty, but not meeting these specific rules).  I recently spoke with a couple of Israeli charedi teachers about this takanon, and they both told me that their clothing would also be considered inappropriate by that school.

    During another conversation, dd15 also told me that in her current school (which has a very reasonable takanon), they regularly have inspirational speakers come in to talk to the girls.  And she told me she’s so sick of hearing the conclusion to almost all of these talks  – ‘so the next time you’re in the store and buying a skirt, be sure to make sure it’s long enough’.  It’s pretty bad when someone who is naturally so sensitive to this topic is fed up of hearing about it after just nine months in school!  She asked me, isn’t there anything else in the practice of Judaism that they care about?  Don’t they care if someone is trying to be a good person and grow closer to Hashem (G-d)?

    Personally, if I were teaching high school girls, the last topic I would broach is modesty.  I think it gets shoved down their throats for years and made into an unnecessary power struggle.  When I give my weekly classes on the parsha (weekly Torah portion), I share messages that I find inspiring about how to live our lives in a meaningful way using the Torah as our guidebook.  That’s what I like hearing now and that’s what I would have wanted to hear more about when I was a high school student, not about long lists of rules and the punishments awaiting me in the next world if I put a finger out of line.  (I recently had a burst of desire to give a weekly class to the high school girls in the local school along these lines – if the principal asks me again to give a class there, instead of refusing her like the last three times she asked, I’m going to suggest this.)

    In case you’re wondering about what happened with dd’s school acceptance, we called the school to let them know we were willing to go along with the takanon.  We gave them number of five teachers as well as the city rabbi who were ready to give very warm references about dd and our family, and two other teachers in the community offered to call personal contacts in that school to recommend dd.  However, this clearly wasn’t enough since I got a call from the secretary yesterday telling me they won’t take dd since she comes from a home where there is internet.  (I don’t believe that they called any of the references or asked the personalized rabbinic shaila as I was told they would but it’s their loss.)  It left me wondering why we wasted two weeks following through with this school after our last conversation if it was going to come back to the internet issue anyway!

    Though this was frustrating, it’s obvious Hashem doesn’t want dd to be attending this school and He has a better plan and place for her.  We’ll see where that will be and how things will play out for her in the short and long term.  One positive thing is that now I don’t have the internal struggle with going along with an approach to modesty that I find inherently problematic and demotivating.

    Avivah

  • The genius of Dr. Seuss – Oh, The Places You’ll Go

    A couple of weeks ago our pediatrician made the suggestion that it would be helpful for Hebrew language acquisition if the older kids would read Dr. Seuss books (in Hebrew) to the younger ones, and she wrote the title of her very favorite book down on the prescription slip she handed me – Oh the Places You’ll Go.

    I had read this book several years ago and been very taken by the depth of it then, and thought about posting my thoughts at that time but never did.  In general I think Dr. Seuss is a genius – we currently have a compilation of his longer stories that we checked out from the local public library (they have a small English language section), and every time I read about them – about Horton (power of commitment when no on around you agrees with you or sees what you know to be true), the Sneetches (those who judge themselves as better or worse based on externals), the Zax (when people are stubbornly entrenched in their positions and refuse to budge at a loss to themselves) – I think about what a deep understanding his books reflect of human nature.

    But Oh, The Places You’ll Go tops all of these.  Though children enjoy the catchy syntax and colorful pictures, it really is more like an understanding of life than a child’s story.  I found the following version being read aloud with some sound effects, and listened to it several times after this recent reminder.  It’s so true that it made me smile wryly and feel inspired and feel like crying all during six minutes.  🙂

    Oh, The Places You’ll Go –

    Here’s a link to the lyrics, if you’d like to read them – enjoy!  There’s a lot to be gained from it, whether you’re feeling on top of the world or going through hard times.

    What do you think of Dr. Seuss books?  Have you ever read this particular book, and if so, what did you think of it?

    Avivah