Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Guaranteed results in parenting – a dangerous myth

    Last week I had a call from a very dedicated and devoted parent who has a teenager who is suicidal, and she told me that she can’t understand how she did everything right and her child is doing worse than homes where there was serious dysfunction.  While sharing my thoughts with her, I was reminded of this post that I wrote about 6 – 8 weeks ago that was sitting in my drafts file.  So now’s a good time to dust off that draft!

    I have the opportunity to speak with a good number of people about parenting, and I think there’s a critical point to be made.  Too often parents get gung ho about this approach or that approach to parenting, thinking that they’ve found the answer.  If they just (fill in the gap) – have a natural birth, breastfeed, hold their baby all the time, discipline effectively, show lots of love, homeschool, make sure their kids have lots of extracurriculars, build up their confidence, teach them appropriate social skills, work on themselves to be good role models, etc, then they’re hopeful that they won’t face difficulties as their children get older.  I think that’s a big appeal of a lot of parenting books, that it seems there’s a way to make parenting easy.

    Sorry.  It’s just not like that.

    You can learn lots of great insights and apply them consistently and appropriately, and it can make a big difference.  It can make a huge difference!  But it won’t guarantee a smooth and easy path with every child through every stage of life.  I’ve learned a lot over the years from a variety of sources, but one thing I’m certain of is, there’s nothing that will guarantee the ‘perfect’ family.  I have a special affinity for several authors whose work I found very insightful and powerful, and have incorporated a lot of this material into my life, which has been beneficial for our family.  But to imply that by doing this my family has had smooth sailing throughout the years would be misleading.  Yes, it’s much easier than it would have been without those tools or insights.  But not painless or struggle-free.

    I think we have to be very, very cautious about giving the impression that if you just do ‘xyz’ then your kids will turn out fine.  There are a lot of challenges as parents, and nothing is going to prevent you from having some.  Nothing.  And here’s another point I think is critical that I shared with the mother above – if our child has a struggle, it doesn’t mean we did something wrong.  (It doesn’t mean we did everything right, but that kind of guilt and second guessing – “If only I did something different it would be different” isn’t helpful.)   The spiritual reality is that every child was put into the world for a unique mission and he must develop his soul to achieve his individual life purpose.  That can’t happen without him facing challenges and growing into a better person from them.

    No parent can do everything right.  We have children with different needs and personalities, we have better and worse periods that we go through as adults, and it’s a very painful thing to even intimate to a parent, let alone say outright, that if they followed a particular approach, they wouldn’t have these problems. It’s just not true.

    Even in the absence of hurtful comments of others, we can cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain when we have unrealistic expectations of achieving the perfect family. It doesn’t exist. The best families are those who are striving to do their best and grow with the challenges every single day, who have the humility of knowing that the final results aren’t in their hands, that G-d is an active partner in the parenting process.

    What we can hope for is that we’ll learn effective tools that even during hard times can be applied.  We can strive to grow as people no matter how hard the parenting situation we’re in right now is, and to help our children grow through their difficulties as well.

    As parents, there’s nothing we want more than a good life for our children.  We spend our lives trying to give them everything we can, to iron out life’s wrinkles and spare them the difficulties we’ve had in our own lives.  A friend shared a wonderful quote with me a few days ago when we were discussing this topic: “As a parent you want to carpet the world for your child, but sometimes you need to give them slippers.”  While we want to make it easy and spare our children suffering, often the role we need to play is to give them tools to get through tough times, and to trust that they have the inner reserves to get through the difficulties.

    Avivah

  • The typical school approach to modesty – is it working?

    A couple of weeks ago I posted about my conversation with the principal of the girls’ high school that we were most interested in for our dd15.  At that time, the principal closed the conversation by telling me that although she felt it was forbidden to allow a girl into their school from a family that used the internet, she would send us their ‘takanon’ (school rules) and if we felt we could abide by them, she’d ask a rabbi a personalized question about our family.

    We got the takanon, seven typed pages of mostly rules about modesty in dress. I personally found this very off-putting – our approach to modesty is to model it and talk very little about the technical ‘rules’ with our girls.  Last year when I was visiting Israel, a friend who was a seminary teacher mentioned at a get together in honor of me visiting that ‘you can’t pay girls to look like this nowadays’ (referring to our oldest two girls who were with me).  While I was uncomfortable with this being drawn attention to publicly, modesty is something that isn’t a struggle for dd15.  (Not implying anything about our other girls but this high school situation is about her.)   She has a very strong intrinsic sense of modesty and there’s nothing in her clothing choices that has ever given me pause.

    However, despite every single item she owns being in accordance with Jewish law, nothing in her closet was suitable for the takanon.  Her skirts are too long (skirts can only be between the knee and mid calf and hers are a couple of inches above the ankle), her shirts are made of the wrong material (no cotton knits/tricot allowed), her legs aren’t covered with thick enough material (stockings must be 40 denier thick), her hair isn’t modest enough (no bangs allowed or hair partially pulled up), and the list continues.

    Why, why, why do schools think that imposing increasingly strict rules on girls makes them more sensitive to modesty?  Modesty isn’t something I struggle with, but I still felt like screaming and running in the other direction when I read this long and burdensome list of rules, which are binding on the student  both in and outside of school, in every social situation.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld has coined the term ‘counterwill’ to explain the pyschological phenomenon that comes into play when a person feels coerced or controlled beyond the limits of the relationship.  That means that if you feel very close to someone and they make a suggestion to pull your hair out of your face, you’re likely to do it.  But without that connection, having someone make the same suggestion causes  you want to dig your heels in and do the exact opposite.  I believe that a lot of the resistance to modesty that we see today that the schools are trying to counter with escalating rules, are ironically actually caused by those rules.

    Years ago I was in a small shiur with Rebbetzin Heller when she spoke about modesty.  She stressed the importance of an inside/outside approach – you teach the meaning and beauty of it, and trust women to make external choices that match their inner sensitivity.  At that point, I asked her why it is that virtually all charedi schools teach from an outside/inside approach – stressing the rules and obsessing over minor details, while glossing over the deeper meanings and inspiration about this.  She told me, ‘it’s a problem’.

    No kidding it’s a problem.  I actually wonder how many girls with strict school rules regarding modesty would be inspired to dress in the dictated manner if left to their own discretion.  A day after receiving the takanon and going through it together, dd was babysitting for someone and took their children to the park that is frequented by the local kollel wives.  When she came home, she asked me at what point the Bais Yaakov modesty standards that are expected of charedi girls stops being binding – because she noticed that almost all of the kollel wives were dressed very similarly to her (ie fine halachically and in the spirit of modesty, but not meeting these specific rules).  I recently spoke with a couple of Israeli charedi teachers about this takanon, and they both told me that their clothing would also be considered inappropriate by that school.

    During another conversation, dd15 also told me that in her current school (which has a very reasonable takanon), they regularly have inspirational speakers come in to talk to the girls.  And she told me she’s so sick of hearing the conclusion to almost all of these talks  – ‘so the next time you’re in the store and buying a skirt, be sure to make sure it’s long enough’.  It’s pretty bad when someone who is naturally so sensitive to this topic is fed up of hearing about it after just nine months in school!  She asked me, isn’t there anything else in the practice of Judaism that they care about?  Don’t they care if someone is trying to be a good person and grow closer to Hashem (G-d)?

    Personally, if I were teaching high school girls, the last topic I would broach is modesty.  I think it gets shoved down their throats for years and made into an unnecessary power struggle.  When I give my weekly classes on the parsha (weekly Torah portion), I share messages that I find inspiring about how to live our lives in a meaningful way using the Torah as our guidebook.  That’s what I like hearing now and that’s what I would have wanted to hear more about when I was a high school student, not about long lists of rules and the punishments awaiting me in the next world if I put a finger out of line.  (I recently had a burst of desire to give a weekly class to the high school girls in the local school along these lines – if the principal asks me again to give a class there, instead of refusing her like the last three times she asked, I’m going to suggest this.)

    In case you’re wondering about what happened with dd’s school acceptance, we called the school to let them know we were willing to go along with the takanon.  We gave them number of five teachers as well as the city rabbi who were ready to give very warm references about dd and our family, and two other teachers in the community offered to call personal contacts in that school to recommend dd.  However, this clearly wasn’t enough since I got a call from the secretary yesterday telling me they won’t take dd since she comes from a home where there is internet.  (I don’t believe that they called any of the references or asked the personalized rabbinic shaila as I was told they would but it’s their loss.)  It left me wondering why we wasted two weeks following through with this school after our last conversation if it was going to come back to the internet issue anyway!

    Though this was frustrating, it’s obvious Hashem doesn’t want dd to be attending this school and He has a better plan and place for her.  We’ll see where that will be and how things will play out for her in the short and long term.  One positive thing is that now I don’t have the internal struggle with going along with an approach to modesty that I find inherently problematic and demotivating.

    Avivah

  • The genius of Dr. Seuss – Oh, The Places You’ll Go

    A couple of weeks ago our pediatrician made the suggestion that it would be helpful for Hebrew language acquisition if the older kids would read Dr. Seuss books (in Hebrew) to the younger ones, and she wrote the title of her very favorite book down on the prescription slip she handed me – Oh the Places You’ll Go.

    I had read this book several years ago and been very taken by the depth of it then, and thought about posting my thoughts at that time but never did.  In general I think Dr. Seuss is a genius – we currently have a compilation of his longer stories that we checked out from the local public library (they have a small English language section), and every time I read about them – about Horton (power of commitment when no on around you agrees with you or sees what you know to be true), the Sneetches (those who judge themselves as better or worse based on externals), the Zax (when people are stubbornly entrenched in their positions and refuse to budge at a loss to themselves) – I think about what a deep understanding his books reflect of human nature.

    But Oh, The Places You’ll Go tops all of these.  Though children enjoy the catchy syntax and colorful pictures, it really is more like an understanding of life than a child’s story.  I found the following version being read aloud with some sound effects, and listened to it several times after this recent reminder.  It’s so true that it made me smile wryly and feel inspired and feel like crying all during six minutes.  🙂

    Oh, The Places You’ll Go –

    Here’s a link to the lyrics, if you’d like to read them – enjoy!  There’s a lot to be gained from it, whether you’re feeling on top of the world or going through hard times.

    What do you think of Dr. Seuss books?  Have you ever read this particular book, and if so, what did you think of it?

    Avivah

  • First haircut for ds3

    We recently had ds3’s first haircut!  We delayed it a little bit, since his birthday was two days before my mother arrived in Israel.  And then that week was so hectic that I didn’t want to do it then, because it would have been pushing too much into too short a time.  So we did it a week and a half after his actual birthday.

    It’s so fun seeing the anticipation of the kids building up for it, particularly the little kids.

    We started off by him repeating letters of the aleph bais with dh, and dipping his finger into something sweet after each letter – this is to show a child that learning Torah is sweet.   Dd17 was up late the night before baking with ds4 and ds6, making a special cake and aleph bais cookies.  After he finished saying the aleph bais, ds3 gave each of the people there a cookie with a letter of the aleph bais on it.

    Upsherin cake with tzitzis, kippa, surrounded by aleph bais cookies

    From there we started his haircut.  Each family member took a snip, starting with dh and I, thengoing in age order from the oldest to the youngest.  After that my mother and her husband took a snip, then the guests in age order again.  Finally at the end, I snipped off the ponytail that I had bound up in the back as a momento, then gave him a full haircut.

    A haircut like this can be overwhelming for a young child since it’s a new experience and there are so many people getting involved, but ds3 was amazing – he stayed really calm and patient.  It helped when ds13 brought him a mirror and held it up for him so he could watch himself getting a haircut; this was fascinating for him.

    Ds3 looking at himself right after haircut with his first kippa

    After the haircut, he cut his special cake and gave out a piece to each person.  And after everyone finished eating their cake and the other refreshments, dh played the guitar with ds18 singing with him.

    We were able to take advantage of the rare occasion of having everyone home at one time and having someone around to take a picture of the entire family, too!

    It was a lovely event and we keep asking ourselves how ds3 can look even cuter now than he did before his haircut!

    Avivah

  • Well, I can thank the ‘asifa’ for making my life so much better…

    I haven’t written anything about the widely touted Citifield ‘asifa’ (gathering) that took place in NY recently, in which the Torah world tackled the thorny issue of how to deal effectively with the challenges of the internet, since it isn’t the kind of topic that I address on my blog.  Little did I suspect that the asifa would have immediate consequences for my family in Israel so soon….

    After three weeks of trying to reach her, I finally spoke with the principal of the high school that looked like the best match for dd15 for the coming year.  Realize that to get anyone to even speak to me about transferring a student in the middle of her high school years is very difficult, since many schools have a policy that they don’t allow any transfers during high school.  Combine that with the agreement some of them have with the local high school not to accept girls from our city, in order to keep the local girls attending school locally.  Not easy.  But finally today I spoke with this principal.

    My overwhelming impression of this principal is very positive – she is very caring and warm, and my feeling is that she’s a quality person who my daughter would gain tremendously from being around.  If weren’t for the topic under discussion, I’d say I enjoyed speaking to her.  To start our conversation, she said, “Tell me, do you have the internet?”  To which, naturally, I said, “yes”.  (I know, some of you are banging your heads at my idiocy since I’ve repeatedly been told to lie about this question.)  I explained to her that my husband works from home using the internet, that I write online, and that our children Skype their grandparents in the US before Shabbos.

    I also told her that I had been told I’d have to lie about this for my child to be accepted, and that if my daughter can only be accepted under false pretenses, that it’s not the right fit for us.  She appreciated my honesty and then told me that in the past (ie until a couple of weeks ago), they would probably have allowed in a family like us who uses the internet in the way that we do.  But now, since Rav Wosner said at the recent asifa that schools aren’t allowed to accept students from homes that have the internet under any condition, they can’t go against his ruling.  As she put it, this has shifted the internet from ‘a‘ question about admittance, to ‘the‘ question, the central issue around which acceptance to a school revolves.

    We ended on a warm note (no sarcasm, she really was lovely and it didn’t hurt that she told me what a pleasant person I was :)), with her saying they’ll send me the rules of the school and we’ll see if we can abide by all of that once we understand what it entails, and after that, they’ll ask a rabbi to decide if they can allow our daughter in after telling him the specific details of our family and internet use.  The school rules are binding on the family, not just the student, and I’m hesitant to use the pull I think it will take to get dd in if we’re already at a disadvantage before proceeding any further.

    I was really upset when I got off the phone.  Not with the principal.  I understand her position totally.  I was upset that because of this very recent proclamation,  my daughter, who is in everyone’s opinion a top great girl in every way – religiously, spiritually, academically – won’t be considered by any charedi school for the coming year (assuming they take the same position on this).

    I find this entire situation somewhat ironic.  I’ve always been very conservative when it comes to electronic entertainment and media – but I’ve never made it a religious issue.  I simply don’t think these are good for the developing brains of children, and can be detrimental to adults unless used very carefully.  This has been my position for years, long before the internet was an issue – eg no television, handheld Textris type games, Gameboys, extremely limited academic computer games (eg the littles get to play on Starfall for a short time every few weeks) – I don’t even have a basic cell phone!

    So my kids have grown up in a technological world but constantly hearing that the technology is a tool that has to be used carefully to be helpful and beneficial.  Now, I think the internet is an amazing resources.  Not only my husband and I, but now also my teens, regularly use the internet to access Torah lectures online – this is just about the only thing that ds18 and dd15 use the internet for.  I’ve learned lots about health, nutrition, spirituality, parenting and so many other things that have made me a better person – all via the internet.  But I’m not naive and I understand the negatives.

    Can the internet be misused? Obviously.  Can it become addictive?  Absolutely. Will getting a really good filter or banning it from your home entirely keep your children from accessing the really bad stuff that people are afraid of?  No way.

    Being that the Torah sages of our generation are elderly and it’s unlikely they have personal experience with the internet , I wonder if their advisors have fully explained the scope of what the internet is and how many positive ways people are using it.  (I hope this doesn’t come across as disrespectful; it’s not meant in that way at all.)  How the internet is everywhere and how it’s used for everything from shopping to banking to communication to work.  How banning it in the house doesn’t mean a child can’t easily get access somewhere else.  Do they understand that a teenager can easily purchase a small digital device that could be hidden from their parents and hook into the free wifi at public places, or even within their own homes (if they have neighbors who have unsecured wifi, as we do)?  I attended a workshop for parents about the dangers of technology several years ago, in which the rabbi speaking shared that kids know so much more than their parents about technology, that parents have no idea how easy it is to get access to various online venues.  He told us specifics of how easy it was for kids to get around even very good filters, as well as lots of other information of concern.

    How can we possibly build the wall high enough to keep out the internet?  I so strongly feel that part of our responsibility as parents is to give our children the tools they’ll  need to navigate the outside world both as youngsters and as they enter the adult world.  I feel we must, must, must teach our children to understand and respect the internet as the powerful tool it is, to model using it in an appropriate and positive way.  And we have to be very careful not to turn it into the forbidden fruit – because when something is put off limits, it gains a certain appeal that makes it much more dangerous.

    Right now this is particularly distressing because I don’t know what the other options are – after research on different schools in the north, this was the only school that we felt was a serious consideration – but right after putting down the phone, I ‘happened’ to get an email from a blog reader in the north with contact information about a couple of schools that I didn’t yet know about.  So the search continues….

    Avivah

    Edited four hours later to add – I just received a private email from a reader concerned about my posting on this topic:

    >>I appreciate that you’re in a difficult predicament, but denigrating Gedolim on a public blog is a terrible chillul Hashem.  There’s a mitzvah aseh in the Torah to listen to our Torah leaders, and this mitzvah is very important and the punishment for violating it is severe.  <<

    I’m truly sorry that I came across in this posting as denigrating our Torah leaders, for whom I only have the most tremendous respect.  I go back and forth in my own mind about how to post about topics such as these, or if I should post on topics like these, because I don’t want to be seen as being critical.  On my blog, I attempt to share my thoughts about what seem to me to be important issues and I try to do it respectfully – though clearly despite my efforts, comments such as these show me that I’m not succeeding in that regard.  Until now, I’ve felt that there was a value in bringing up these points for discussion, particularly as these are important issues for those considering aliyah or in the earlier stages of aliyah to be aware of.  If what I’m writing is being construed by others as being critical or condemnatory then I have to rethink this.

    >>But frankly I think writing about your views on these subjects is the wrong thing to do.  It’s a chillul Hashem both for your Jewish readers and non-Jewish readers.  Why should you say lashon hara about the frum communities here?  Yes, there are problems, and these problems bother me as well, but writing about them is treading into dangerous territory.  Loshan hara on a whole group of Jews is very hard to do teshuva for.  In my humble opinion, I think that you should keep discussion of these issues between you and your husband, or whoever you need to talk l’toeles, but you should not discuss them on the blog. <<

    You may be right, and I appreciate you sharing your opinion with me.  I’ve tried to avoid controversy, negativity, gossip, etc on my blog, but at a certain point, if you share your thoughts on something of significance, someone who takes a different position is going to disagree with you and tell you that you aren’t being respectful of them.   This is a very hard balance and perhaps one that I’ve erred in…

  • A perspective on life’s challenges

    Yesterday I was talking with my ds18 about the potential of life’s challenges to help a person grow.  Just a couple of hours later, I got the following message in my inbox:

    “Life does not accommodate you; it shatters you. Every seed destroys its container, or else there would be no fruition.”   Florida Scott-Maxwell

    It was a timely message for me!  This quote sounds somewhat negative until you realize that it’s by having our perception of our limitations of what we can be and who we are broken, that we can grow beyond that.  Every difficult and painful situation is a chance to become more of who we are meant to be, to grow into the person we are capable of becoming.

    Don’t think I’m idealizing challenges – actually, I ask to be shown how I need to grow in a gentle way without pain – but at least intellectually, I know that everything in life is a gift and that even the tough stuff is a kindness because it gives me a chance to be more than I think I can be.  And like all of you, every day I have opportunities to stretch that intellectual understanding and internalize it emotionally a tiny bit more!

    Avivah


  • How we chose a boy’s elementary school

    This week, ds6 and I attended the orientation hosted by the school he’ll be attending next year for incoming first graders.  Since I’ve been asked very often about how we made the choice of where to send him, I’ll share about that now.

    Earlier this year I felt a lot of pressure about where to register ds6 for first grade.  We strongly favored the educational framework that was provided by Amichai, but in the charedi community, every single family sends their boys to the local Talmud Torah (known as ‘the cheder’).   So this made the decision more complicated – do you send your child where all of your peers are sending (socially better), or do you send your child where you feel they’ll be best served emotionally and educationally?

    I was very concerned about the social ramifications of sending our boys to a different school than the boys who locally make up their peer group.   I also thought about how would we as parents be viewed, and how would it skew the way people looked at our family overall.   It’s an unfortunate reality in most societies that people who make choices different than the norm aren’t exactly embraced warmly.

    I’ve spent many, many hours over the years thinking of endless angles regarding education and have logged many more hours this year continuing to think about the way new educational situations are manifesting.  I’ve had a number of conversations with people in the community – including Israelis and Americans who grew up here /made aliyah at a young age/made aliyah as parents with school age children – to benefit from their perspectives and experience.  The conversations have included discussion about the elementary school options, where they lead to as far as high school options, where high school choices lead to, and how that works for them as adults.  When we make decisions like this, we try to be aware of the short and long term ramifications rather than the immediate present, so having all of this feedback was important for us because we didn’t want to make a decision without a well-rounded view of the issues involved.

    After all of this thinking, the school we’ll be sending ds6 to is Amichai, and this is where we had the first grade orientation yesterday.  Here are some that were a factor in making our decision:

    At Amicha, secular subjects taught in addition to Judaic studies, including enrichment classes like music, art, and computers.  The school day is shorter, leaving more time for us to spend together as a family.  This also means there’s more space for the kids to have down time or the opportunity to pursue other interests, which is critical to healthy emotional development.  A shorter day is a huge, huge, huge plus to me.

    Something that many find a weakness is that due to the shorter school day and having more secular classes, there’s less time for Torah study.  We feel that with the increased time available to us, in addition to the increased emotional head space of our children due to the shorter hours, we can supplement this at home if at any point we feel it would be necessary.  In general I feel less is often more when it comes to school, so I prefer the enrichment approach to academics rather than overloading kids and burning them out.  (Our approach to teaching Torah and instilling a positive value for a Torah lifestyle is really its own topic.)

    I like that there’s a message of joy in living a Torah life rather than a primary focus on obligation and textual skill, that there’s acceptance and tolerance for people of different backgrounds; this meshes well with our value system.  I like the understanding approach of the administration, the way they consider feedback from parents and integrate it.  The principal is a really special man.  I appreciate that my child can be seen for who he is (as much as possible in a school framework) rather than a cog who needs to fit into the institutional wheel.

    I think it’s unusual to have an orientation for first graders several months in advance, don’t you?  (If this is standard practice for charedi schools in Israel, please correct me!)  They wanted to give each boy a chance to meet the other boys who will be in their class in a relaxed and unpressured framework.  They had two craft activities for Shavuos followed by snacks.  It was nice that the boys were able to come to the school when no one was there but their parents and a few teachers, go into their future classroom, and be with their future classmates without all the anxiety that comes with the first day of school.

    While the boys were doing crafts together, the principal and school psychologist spoke with the parents about the school’s approach to education.  The principal spoke about how much they see parents as active partners in the education of their children, after sharing what the overall philosophy of the school is, as well as their academic focus on Torah and secular subjects.  They have a unique program that is foundational to their approach to Torah – by the end of eighth grade, a student will have familiarity and understanding of all the Rashis  (a primary Torah commentary).  As far as secular studies, they strive to provide a strong secular foundation, though they openly shared that their weakness is in science, as they don’t yet have an independent laboratory.

    Part of the admissions procedure for first grade at this school is a meeting of the child with the school psychologist.  Though when I took ds several months ago for his meeting I felt that his evaluation wasn’t reflective of him because he didn’t understand fully what he was being asked to do since his Hebrew was still very rudimentary (his current teacher was very upset when she heard the conclusions since she knew how inaccurate they were) and I wasn’t able to stay with him for the interview to translate, I appreciated the reason they have these interviews.  Their perspective is that they want to have a sense of who each child is before he comes into the school, and they want to know that each child is emotionally ready for first grade.   If a child isn’t ready in some way, they’ll work with a parent to deal with whatever the issue is.  They don’t look at reading and writing skills, though they do assess fine and gross motor coordination.  (They teach reading in first grade rather than expecting incoming first graders to already read, which is what is expected at the other school.  This is also something I appreciate that works with our educational philosophy.)

    Something that many parents have expressed concern to me about is that the children in this school come from a range of religious backgrounds rather than the homogeneous backgrounds of the cheder families.  This isn’t something that scares me, since part of my approach to education is to teach children to navigate the outside world – and that includes dealing with people who are different than them – rather than build increasingly higher walls to keep the outside world out.  I don’t like the increased possibility of exposure to the outside world, but I’m prepared to deal with it as a parent and in fact feel it’s my obligation as a parent to make sure my kids have tools to deal with this.  Also, I know very well that it’s an illusion that your child will only have positive influences in his life if all the children are coming from religiously similar homes.  In any case, at the orientation I was  very pleased to see what a nice group the parents were, much more similar to us than I had been led to expect by the comments of others.

    The classes at this school are also smaller than at the second school – it looks like ds6’s class right now will be between 12 – 15 boys, versus about 22 (these numbers may shift with enrollment that takes place between now and then but for now are accurate).  This school is certainly closer to American values than the cheder, and I’ve been told that the chief Ashkenazi rabbi of the city would very much like to see American families sending to this school since he thinks that it will be a win-win – it will strengthen the school at the same time that it will provide parents with an education that most closely matches their expectations.

    I’m writing this to share my own experience, not to tell anyone else why they made a mistake to send their children somewhere else or to tell anyone moving here to send to this school.  Unfortunately there’s inaccurate information about this school that is being passed around to people visiting, and it’s inaccurate by virtue of all the people talking about it having no personal experience with the school – it’s what the parents at the second school all tell each other about it!  My decisions are based very solidly in my parenting philosophy, and what is right for each family will be different depending on the needs of their children as well as what their long term goals are.  As of now, I’m the only person in the charedi community of Karmiel to have children in both of the schools I’ve mentioned, and so I think that I do have a balanced perspective as someone who has an insider’s perspective to each.

    Avivah

  • Meeting with high school principal

    This morning I started my day with an appointment with the principal of the local girls high school.  I was there to discuss what to do for dd15 for the coming year, and the conversation went really well.  Besides the fact that she’s a very caring person who very much appreciates dd and wants her to be happy, over the course of this year I’ve had a chance to develop a nice relationship with her and the school advisor (who also was there for the meeting).

    Here were some good things about the meeting:

    – They offered (not just offered, but started making phone calls while I was still sitting there) to activate their network to research the school that I told them is the most likely place for dd15 for the coming year to ascertain what the peer group is like in dd’s grade.  As they told me, they’ll be able to get honest information parents would have a very hard time finding out.

    – The principal offered to call the principal of the other school after Shavuos if she doesn’t hear from her before then, and give the warmest possible recommendations of dd.  The school advisor also was quick to offer her willingness to provide her strong recommendation of dd.

    – The principal asked me if I’d be willing to serve as the liason between the Anglo parents and students and the school for the coming year.  She feels that I understand the Israeli school culture as well as obviously coming from an American mindset, and has already spoken to the chief rabbi of the city and told him she wants me to do it.  As a long term homeschooler I find this a little ironic but told her I’d be happy to help out.

    – She and the advisor have told me in each of our meetings (this was the third) that they’d like me to address the staff as well as have a separate lecture to the student body.  I asked about what and they said my general approach to dealing with life and the inevitable difficulties.  I brushed them off about this in the past and today as well, but it was nice to be asked and to be appreciated.  Afterward I thought that I really should have taken their offer more seriously since they keep asking; it would probably be fun though a challenge since it would be in Hebrew.

    Overall they were both very supportive and understanding of the decision we’ve made not to send dd back to this class for the coming year.  They’d like her to stay but even so they’re willing to actively help her get into a different high school.  And she also agree to something else I discussed with her at the end of our talk, to give dd a lot more leeway regarding attendance for the remaining weeks of school, based on some concerns I shared.

    I’ve appreciated the administration and teachers at this school, as well as their overall approach to dealing with the girls.  Despite being different than my personal approach to education, it’s very, very balanced when you look at what the administrative norm of charedi girls’ schools are.  I didn’t anticipate so much active willingness to help us find a new school, even though I know they are very caring women.  So that was a really nice way to end our meeting today.

    Avivah

  • Praying at gravesite of Sheloh Hakadosh

    Last night I was feeling very pressured by all the significant things going on in my life in a very short period of time that require my attention.  My husband plays tennis twice a week, draws and plays guitar so he has some really good ways to unwind.  But I don’t do any of those things, and last night I was trying without much success to think of what I enjoy doing that would be relaxing and renewing.  I googled for a list of relaxing things to do to get the brainstorming started but none of the things on the list really spoke to me.

    In the middle of feeling all this pressure last night, someone emailed me with an invitation to join her on a trip to Tiverya (Tiberias) today.  My first thought was, that’s the last thing I’m interested right now when I’m much too close to overextended without taking on any additional activities or trips!  But I emailed back and asked  her what she was going for.

    This morning I got her response – she was planning a trip to the grave site of the Sheloh Hakadosh because today is erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan and it’s a particularly auspicious time to say a prayer he composed for success in raising your children, and praying his prayer at his gravesite is even more powerful!  She remembered me mentioning having some education related concerns that I was dealing with and thought I would appreciate being able to go.   She was more right than she knew!

    As soon as I got this message, I had instant clarity about what would be helpful for me in relieving the pressure I was feeling – to go to this particular grave site today!  I thought how amazing it was that Hashem sent me the answer to what I was looking for the night before through this woman’s email before I even was able to recognize it as what I needed.

    Who would have thought a year ago when I posted about this special prayer that this year I would have the amazing merit to be standing next to the grave of the incredibly holy person who composed it?  Not me.  I didn’t even have any idea where he was buried.  I was happy enough just to remember about the prayer in time to say it!  And this year Hashem sent me the opportunity to go, just at a time when I really needed it.

    I had a very powerful davening there.  Really powerful.  Sometimes you have to work hard to connect when you’re praying in a formal way, and sometimes everything just flows from your heart.  Raising children takes so much energy in every way and particularly after making aliyah – when all family members simultaneously go through some degree of trauma  – there are so many areas to ask for help with!

    I don’t really have people to talk to about all that I’m dealing with – because of the time difference, technological challenges of using Skype and voip phone lines and everyone being busy, I’ve hardly spoken to my closest friends since I moved here, and even if I could, there are things I’d be unable to share because to do so would be a breach of my children’s privacy.  This has been a real loss for me at a time when having good friends who really know me was more important than ever before and being able to talk with them is something I’m very aware of missing.  While I usually keep in mind that G-d is always available to help me, I sometimes forget that He’s there to listen to me as well!  And I really needed that.

    I somehow didn’t think that there would be many people there, but there were busloads of people being dropped off and picked up, and the streets around the grave site were closed off to traffic.  It was very full but not so crowded as to be claustrophobic (which would be a big detractor for me since I don’t concentrate well when there are people squeezed in close all around me).  There was a very special atmosphere and I felt so fortunate to be able to experience being there.  This is really the best of what living in Israel is about – feeling tangibly closer to G-d and to the people and history of the Jewish nation.

    After we finished our prayers we stopped for something to eat at the boardwalk area – it was supper time by then – and it was really nice to relax outdoors with the pleasant breeze blowing, enjoying delicious freshly made pizza while enjoying adult company.  It was an added dimension of renewal for me, as was the beautiful drive there and home.  The Galilee is a stunning part of Israel, and I especially enjoyed seeing the Kinneret (Sea of the Galilee) – when viewed from up high, it’s even more beautiful and picturesque (what makes it that beautiful shade of blue?).

    I hoped to post this earlier in the day so you’d have time to say this prayer if you wanted to, but we went directly from there to our monthly video shiur, and I didn’t get home until 11 pm.  But there’s still a few hours to go for those of you in the US (and that’s where most of you are!), so here’s the link for the prayer in both English and Hebrew  – http://artscroll.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/prayer.pdf.

    May we all be blessed with joy in raising our children!

    Avivah

  • Real life learning for littles at the playground

    Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately – I’ve started giving a weekly class on the Torah portion of the week (initially I didn’t intend to give this more than once a month but am really enjoying it) and have three older kids that need help in finding a different educational framework for the coming year (which honestly I’m not making much progress on yet).  I’m also planning to start a new parenting workshop here in Karmiel next week.  So though I have many things to share about, there’s not much time to do it!

    This week right after my class ended, my husband brought the littles to meet me at the park near where the class was held.  It was a very crowded time, but that’s the main reason I wanted to be there, since I knew there would be people I’d enjoy speaking to that I don’t usually get to see.  The littles set off to the playground equipment to play, but ds4 soon came to me in tears.

    He told me that it wasn’t fun to play there, that there were big girls (a group of ten year olds) who were taking over the play equipment.  I know he prefers to go to quiet parks where he can enjoy himself without older children racing through the play structures, pushing the little kids to the side, and I generally take him at times and places that we’ll all enjoy ourselves.  After all, it’s pretty reasonable for a child to want to have fun when they go somewhere to have fun, don’t you think?

    Interestingly, I was talking to a preschool teacher when he came over to me, and she right away said, “That’s how life is, he has to get used to it now.”  It’s interesting because he didn’t ask me to do anything, to take him home – all he said was it wasn’t fun for him because of the older kids playing at the same time.  All he needed was a little bit of validation and understanding that this wasn’t a framework that he felt good in.  Sometimes it seems adults are so resistant (afraid?) of giving children any room to experience their emotions.  In this situation, I realized there wasn’t anything to be gained at that moment by discussion, so I agreed with her that children need to learn how to deal with difficult situations.  I didn’t say that I thought that it would be harmful for them to learn it at that time and in that way!

    Anyway, I take ds2 and ds4 to the park pretty regularly, at least a few times a week.  And generally it’s a very positive experience for all of us!  We regularly spend two and even three hours at a park where there’s no one there but us (sometimes ds6 is there, also), and I always love watching the emergent learning process in action.  We usually go to what we call ‘the corner park’, a park just a couple of buildings away from us.  It’s a very simple playground, nothing that you would think could hold the attention of young children for long.  It had a climbing structure with one swing, a couple of slides, and a huge sand pit – and usually they don’t play with any of the playground equipment.

    Last week when I took them, I was watching them play while listening to children in a private gan (playgroup) a couple of houses away, and it was so interesting to contrast the type of experiences children approximately the same age were having, especially since so many people think that children in a home framework are unstimulated.

    During our most recent visit to the park, I sat on the bench the entire time – ie, I wasn’t involved in initiating or structuring any of their activities.  Most of the time ds2 (almost three) and ds4 were interacting, sometimes they were playing independently of one another and having their own experience.  (It’s important for children to have time of their own to just be without having to interact with others, even siblings.)  While we were at this simple little park for a couple of hours a few days ago, here’s some of what they experienced:

    • dug in the sand
    • found and collected rocks
    • wrote letters on the brick sidewalk with chalkstone they found in the sandpit
    • experimented with chunks of concrete with little pebbles cemented to it how to get the little pebbles separated from the concrete, throwing it until they broke apart and had little pieces (they had a strong feeling of accomplishment with this!)
    • climbed a tree
    • rode scooters
    • blew a recorder (one of them brought it to the park)
    • found dried seed pods that fell from the tree, opened them up, collected and counted the seeds
    • chased butterflies
    • stopped to listen to the birds singing, speculated about what they might be saying
    • gathered plastic containers from the recycling container nearby to use as sand toys
    • filled the recycled bottles with water from the fountain
    • made sand structures with wet sand
    • watched an airplane go by, talked about the difference between helicopters and airplanes and what they are used for
    • swung on the swing
    • picked flowers and blew on the petals to see if they would fly away
    • were given a couple of small boxes by a man going by, and used them to make molds for their sand ‘chocolate’
    • watched the ants working and carrying small bits of food and leaves to their homes

    This is just a sampling of a typical visit to the playground, and it’s filled with so many discoveries and exciting things for small children.  (And if you want to be academic about it, there was science, social studies, math, writing, language arts and physical education happening.  :))  I love taking them to outdoor spaces when there aren’t loads of people around – there’s something about the outdoor air and the general sense of quiet that absorbs excess energy and allows children to center themselves, when they aren’t distracted by other people.  For children to really be able to learn, they have to  have their attachment needs fulfilled so that they have the extra emotional energy available to explore.

    Conversely, you can go to the same park when crowded with children, and the experience will drastically shift.  Instead of allowing a child to discover inner quiet and make special discoveries, his energy becomes focused on navigating the inevitable social situations that arise.  That’s not to say that there isn’t a value in that – particularly if a parent is actively involved in guiding new social situations and limits the interactions when they see the child is past the point of gaining anything, it can be positive.  Sometimes a child will find or make a friend and it can be a great time for them!  But you can see how, for example, for ds4 above, he was in a situation of trying to protect his boundaries (emotionally and physically), having to compete with others for space or attention, and not only was there no space for learning to happen, there was no space for him to even have fun.

    I’m in no way suggesting that there’s only a value in going outside when no on else is there!  What I do want to share is how for meaningful emotional, social or academic growth to happen, a child has to be in a place where he feels secure and connected to the adults in charge, and has to have space for independent experiences that aren’t orchestrated and controlled by adults.  This is so easily accomplished in a relaxed outdoor setting.

    How can you know when a child is primed for learning?  When we pay attention to and respect our children’s cues, it becomes very obvious when this is happening, by watching their body language and listening to what they tell us.

    Avivah