Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Great article by Gabor Mate

    Here’s a link to a great article – unlike most articles about parenting, in which I tend to disagree with at least some of what’s written (and often a lot more than just some!), I thought this one was dead on. 

    That’s not surprising, I suppose, since the person being interviewed was Dr. Gabor Mate, coauthor of Hold On To Your Kids, whose view on parenting seems quite similar to mine.  This is the best parenting book that I’ve read in the last five or six years, and even though some find it hard to get through, I thought it was excellent and have recommended it to a lot of people.  It was the first  book that I ever read that I felt supported my way of parenting – a foundation of lots of love with clear boundaries, recognizing that parents must be the primary love figure in a child’s life to have any real power to effectively parent.   

    This article touches on some very powerful ideas regarding addiction, attachment, ADD, parenting, bullying, the school system – lots of things worth thinking about!

    Avivah

  • Reading readiness activities

    Ds4 is now recognizing the letters of the ABC, knows a lot of the sounds, and is starting to copy the letters on his own.  A week or two ago he brought me a scrap of paper that he had copied letters onto, and asked me what it spelled.  I sounded it out, and then he went off to copy more letters (randomly), bringing them to me each time to ‘read’ it.  He asked me to write different words for him to copy, and after a few days of this, progressed to copying simple sentences.  He wrote a ‘letter’ and left it at the home of a friend nearby; it’s nice to see how naturally this happens with just a little support from me. 

    I love seeing how a child progresses through the stages of reading readiness when he’s engaged and interested – it’s so exciting!   I don’t actively teach reading  because I find it works out well for our children to respond to their interests rather than impose my timeline on them, and they’ve each taught themselves to read somewhere between the age of 5 – 8.    I definitely could help them learn earlier by being more actively involved in teaching them, but reading is fun and I don’t think it should become a chore and disconnected from the purpose – the point is to have fun or gain knowledge.  The primary reading readiness that I do is reading lots of books to the kids from the time they are young – ds1.5 has been sitting independently thumbing through books for months.  Once they know reading is a great activity, they’re going to naturally seek to learn to read on their own at some point. 

    When ds4 draws a picture, I often ask him to tell me about it and then label significant parts of his picture, and sometimes I transcribe the story of what the picture is about as he describes it to me next to the picture.  (I don’t yet do this with ds3 – I only verbalize what he tells me he’s drawing.)  By doing this, it shows him I’m interested about what’s important to him, it helps me understand what he’s thinking about, and it at the same time it teaches that words mean something, that they relate to the picture on the page.

    Last week my husband took this concept further in a way that both he and ds4 enjoyed.  They sat down together and wrote a book!  Ds4 told dh the story, bit by bit.  As ds decided on an idea, they would pause while dh drew a simple illustration, asking ds4 to clarify what was happening and what he should put into the drawing.  (Eg – what was Backpack Bear eating, what did he buy?).  The book is about 6 or 7 pages long, and made simple of 8 x 11 paper folded in half, then taped to keep it all together – not complicated.  On the cover it says that it was written by Daddy and ds4, and on the very back cover, ds4 suggested that they write a summary of what the book was about (I guess he picked that up somewhere, but I don’t know how). 

    This was not only a nice bonding activity for them, but ds4 loves this book!  He keeps it in a plastic zippered pouch and a few times a day brings it out and reads it to me.  He of course has the entire thing memorized and feels so special to have written a book!  He loves that his own words and ideas turned into a book – there’s a real sense of ownership and pride.

    Avivah

  • Give someone what they want to receive

    I’ve been talking in my classes recently about the power of the emotional bank account, how it’s critical to keep the balance in the relationship with our children high by making deposits and avoiding withdrawals.  This means that you have to understand what constitutes a withdrawal and what is a deposit.  And it also means recognizing that different people define deposits – ie meaningful expressions of affection – differently.  That can complicate things when someone thinks he has been building the balance and then realizes that what he thought he was giving wasn’t being received as it was intended.

    We have to learn to give what a person wants to receive, not what we want to give or what’s easy for us to give – that’s what true giving is all about!  My ds4 gave me a plastic credit card and two rubber bands wrapped up nicely for a Chanukah present, and I thought it was so sweet of him to want to give me something!  However, while it’s cute and sweet when a 4 year old gives you what he has because that’s what he has, it’s not so cute when it’s an adult that you would expect to be aware of your likes/needs who gives you something that’s really not at all what you want or need. 

    Tonight someone asked me about how to respond to her husband, who recently gave her a diamond necklace.  The problem?  She hates the necklace (doesn’t like diamonds or the style), hates how much money was spent on it, and doesn’t want the expectation that she’ll now wear it every day.  Though her husband intended to be generous and loving, she told me this was probably the biggest withdrawal in the history of their marriage – that he gave her something so totally unsuited to her, which is obvious to anyone who knows her even casually, something that is perceived as more of a burden than a gift.  

    So how can we avoid this?  When attempting to build a relationship, look for clues as to what’s important to the other person.  The easiest way to do this is to see how they make deposits for others!  This can be challenging since recognizing other ways of showing love can go under our radar if it differs very much from our own way.  Sometimes we get frustrated with others who have different ways of showing their love, and it helps to realize that it’s not that they’re selfish or clueless, just that we’re speaking a different language.

    I recently realized with a relationship in my life that has had a good bit of friction that we have diametrically opposed way of showing that we care.  I do things for people I like, and when people do things for me (or even just express the desire/willingness to do something for me), this is the biggest way they can show they appreciate me.  And so I did a lot of nice things for this person, some small and some big, in addition to verbally expressing a lot of appreciation, inviting her to our home on regular occasions, spending time visiting with her, etc.  This was challenging because it felt like a one way relationship, but I continued to make what I felt were deposits because I wanted to show the person I cared.

    Imagine my surprise when I recently got an email from this person telling me that basically all I ever do is take from her and that I’m selfish and uncaring!  To say I was taken aback would be an understatement.  I had to work really hard not to respond emotionally, and instead to think about why she would say something like that.  I assumed she said she felt I was unloving because she felt unloved, which pushed me to think hard about what I wasn’t doing for her, what I wasn’t successfully communicating.  How would she prefer I show her I cared? 

    Because I had given so much of what I would have wanted, this wasn’t easy for me to consider, but telling ourselves all the reasons we’re right and others are wrong isn’t what moves a person forward in life!  What I realized based on a comment in that email (complained that I never call her) is that she appreciates long chatty phone calls just talking about nothing in particular (which honestly frustrates me – very different from my communication style), and that she’d be happier if I called her for even ten minutes every week than everything else I was doing put together!  Since I kept my phone contact with her minimal and short when we did need to speak by phone, you can see how despite my best intentions, I wasn’t giving her what she wanted and she felt I didn’t care about her. 

    This has been a growing opportunity for me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone for the sake of this relationship.  No, it’s really not easy for me, but you can’t say you really care about someone when you don’t take time to think about what matters to them.

    Sometimes you can make deposits even when you imperfectly do something.  My husband gave me a lovely fleece scarf recently.  I love it!  But what I love most about it is that he tried to find a color and pattern that he thought I would like, based on some comments I had made about other clothing I had.  Even though the colors weren’t quite what I would have chosen, it was very different than what he would have gotten in the past, and it was obvious that he cared enough to think about my preferences.  Knowing that he made the purchase based on that was a deposit for me, and I feel loved everytime I put on the scarf to go out!

    Avivah

  • Unpacking from shopping trip and trip to spy museum

    Today we had our first real snow of the season!  I’m so glad that the snow held off for me to do my monthly shopping yesterday!  I always buy a lot but some trips are really big trips and this one was one of those.  I got a bunch of staples: 100 lb wheat berries, 100 lb spelt berries, 50 lb cornmeal, 50 lb rolled oats, 30 lb quinoa, 30 lb raisins, 50 lb onions, 50 lb potatoes, 30 lb yams, 2 flats canned cherries (12 cans in a flat), 2 flats canned peaches (29 oz cans), 1 flat 28 oz cans tomatoes, 2 flats (reg. size) organic tomatoes, 2 flats baby dill pickles, 2 flats regular pickles, 1 case whole wheat linguine (20 boxes), 12 gallons raw milk, 30 dozen free range eggs (these are visibly so much better than supermarket eggs – last month I didn’t get them and dh was really glad to see them again!), 3 #10 cans of spaghetti sauce, 4 containers plain yogurt, 4 28 oz cans pumpkin, ten 1.5 lb containers cottage cheese, 10 lb carrots, 12 lb. frozen mixed vegetables, and 4-5 lb boxes of clementines.  There’s probably more but I don’t want to go get my receipts and look through them, but that’s the gist of it. 

    Then there are the things that I usually wouldn’t buy much of but am getting in preparation for my trip to Israel.  The kids aren’t thrilled that I’ll be gone and were even less thrilled when dh made a comment about making oatmeal for breakfast every day.  🙂  I told them that I’d leave special foods for them to enjoy in my absence, they got much more cheerful about me going away!  Most of these foods I’d rarely buy, but my priority is to make it as easy as possible for whoever is staying with the kids to put together simple meals that they’ll enjoy, and for it to be something special for the kids.  So I got 6 packages of hash browns (20 patties per case), frozen french fries (maybe 10 bags?  I told ds11 to get the amount he felt would be good), 20 packages whole wheat tortillas, 1 case corn tortillas (the kids used to hate these but recently discovered when they’re crisped in butter that they’re very tasty), 8 (?) pkg. bagels, 10 boxes cold cereal, 2 big boxes of instant oatmeal (approx. 55 packages per box), and 1 case diced peaches in juice (individual serving size cans).  Oh, and ten bags of blue corn chips, and a bunch of cookies for my ds11’s Shabbos group. 

    I also got a bunch of single serving size foil tuna packets to take to dd to supplement her food situation there, which she actually told me today she’s gotten used to.  I was pleased that even with the extra expenses of the foods I wouldn’t usually buy that cost-wise it was a very reasonable shopping trip.  I’m planning to do one more big shopping trip before I go to Israel, so that everything is totally stocked up before I leave (including perishables). 

    The main challenge in buying all of this is having to unload and unpack it when we finally get home!  We didn’t get home until 8 pm, and between everyone being tired, and it being so dark and cold, we left most of the stuff to unload in the morning.  However, we had a trip to the National Cryptologic Museum scheduled for 10 am, which meant leaving by 9, and that meant we needed to start to unpack the van at 8 am!  And we all woke up later than usual (I woke up at 8:45), and it’s hard to kick into gear when you’re already really late the minute you open your eyes. 

    I was really waffling about going since I had not one shred of desire to go anywhere at that point, with the pressure I was feeling to get everyone dressed, fed, and out of the house in less than 30 minutes – and to unpack the van from all those groceries.   But I felt it wouldn’t be right not to show up for a trip when I had made a commitment and as an organizer of many trips, I know how frustrating it can be when people don’t honor their commitments.  Then I got a message that our co-op classes for the afternoon were cancelled, so that took some pressure of the day off me (since I would have had to packed lunch to take with us and gone straight from the trip to the classes, not getting home until after 4 pm).  And I decided that honoring my commitment to attend came before relaxing, so I got into gear!  It really was a push to get everyone ready and everything done, but I put the focus on keeping it pleasant, and we managed to get there right on time with everyone still in a good mood! 

    Strangely, we didn’t see anyone else there.  Before I had a chance to wonder about that, we were told that the docent for our trip had been called away for an emergency, and that our trip had been officially cancelled ten minutes before I got there.  Sometimes you have to laugh at the irony of situations – I made this massive effort not to let down the group but then there was no group to let down!  LOL!  (A message was emailed to everyone but it was sent after 9 am so too late for us to get it, and in any case, there was not an extra minute for me to check emails.)   As frustrating as this could have been, I really wasn’t bothered since it was obviously meant for us to go to the museum and not to get the message in time.

    The kids had a great time.  They’ve become wary when I say we’re going to a museum since, well, some haven’t been the most interesting of our trips.  This was very interesting and the kids were engaged by a scavenger hunt with lots of decoding involved.  They were given some nice activity books, pencils, a decoding tool, and each of the older four earned a prize for completing the scavenger hunt, a challenging puzzle kind of game.  They said they’d like to go back another time for a guided tour since there was so much to learn about that they couldn’t get in this first visit.  Maybe if the trip organizer reschedules we’ll particpate in that next time!

    I was surprised to see it snowing when I looked out the front door of the museum after an hour and a half, so I quickly bundled up the kids and headed home.  It’s been very cold lately and I wanted to get home while the roads were in good condition.  We made it home just fine and then the kids played outside for a while until we had lunch.  Then we unpacked some more groceries – breaking up the unpacking into smaller chunks of work has made it seem less like intimidating than usual! 

    I still have the last part of unpacking to do – putting the bulk supplies in the buckets.  It’s not hard but it takes a solid chunk of time and organizing (finding enough empty buckets, lining them, labeling them, reorganizing the space they’re in), and I’m grateful that my ds17 used to do this for us!  The kids can help with this but other than dd14, none of them are able to logistically handle what’s involved independent of me.  I asked my dh if he would take care of this tomorrow, and he agreed, which is a big thing that I now know will be done well and not need my involvement! 

    I know that this may seem like a lot of work – but part of that is because my shopping for the month is concentrated into one day instead of many smaller shopping trips.  I feel it’s worth it for the money that we save, the convenience of having what we need when we need it, and virtually always being able to purchase the foods we use at sale prices.

    So now our house is well-stocked with food, and our children are well-stocked energy-wise with the experience of an enjoyable outing, and if the weather dictates that we cozy up inside for a few days, we’re ready!

    Avivah

  • Claiming the lead role with children

    I’ve been really busy lately but I haven’t forgotten I have a blog!  Here’s a post I wrote a month ago but didn’t get around to putting up.  I think it’s an important message, and an example of how the little adjustments we make as parents can be very powerful. 

    Tonight my ds4 came over to hug me when I was sitting at the computer.  As soon as I felt his arms start to go around my waist, I stopped what I was doing and gave him a huge hug.  And then gave him a few silly hugs and tickles with a lot of enthusiasm.

    When a child comes looking for a parent’s time or affection, they’re telling you they need something.  When a child expresses the need for your love in whatever form, try to give it to them right then if you can.  It doesn’t have to take more than a minute or two, but try to make yourself available and be responsive when they approach you. 

    However, there’s a way to maximize the love that a child feels when you respond to him.  Let’s say a child asks you for something to eat and you give it to him pleasantly.  (This is assuming that you feel that him eating something at that moment is a good idea.)  That’s nice, right?  But once he’s asking, he’s already initiated and you are only responding, which puts you in the passive role.  While it is much more powerful for your child when you are the one who initiates the love interaction, you can supercharge an interaction that your child has initiated by giving them more than what they are asking for.  This restores you to the position of leader in the interaction, which is important in building a child’s feeling of security with you. 

    When the child feels like he’s getting more than he was asking for and you have claimed your power as a parent to lead, it leaves him feeling very loved and secure.  As a parent, you want to be the one constantly initiating the love interactions between you and your child.  A critical part of being the authority in your home is what I refer to in my classes as being the leader – learn to take the lead in your relationship with your children, even in interactions that your children initiate.

    Avivah

  • Maintaining sanity on tough days

    >>What do homeschooling parents do when their child or children drive them crazy alot of the time? I don’t want to send my son to school just to give myself a break–but I’m interested to hear suggestions of how other parents give themselves a break within an hsing framework.<<

    Some of us have perfectly behaved children so we don’t have to deal with this issue – LOL!

    Seriously, this question is one that I think lots of mothers can relate to, whether homeschooling or not.  For me this is an issue that has become much less of an issue over the years – maybe partially because I don’t have negative judgement of myself or my kids when some days are harder than others, and partially because we’re used to being around each other and enjoy each other for the most part.  If I see someone is having a hard time (and this includes me), I try to see where it’s coming from, and address the source. 

    For example, an overtired child will be sent to take a nap, or go to sleep early, and I’ll remind myself that the behavior I’m seeing is because of exhaustion.  Sometimes I get busy with all that needs to be done and don’t take enough time to really connect with them at a heart level, and it shows up in what looks like misbehavior.  If our schedule is too busy and overscheduled, then it means pulling back and assessing what is adding value and what isn’t, and making appropriate changes.  It just depends on what is going on, and addressing the root issue vs the symptom is what has worked for me.

    Since I now have older kids around, I can physically take a break if I need to, which  obviously won’t be a helpful suggestion for a mom with much younger kids.:)  I’ve shared several times here that I think that a daily rest time can be helpful, and this is something I did this until our oldest was 10 or so. They didn’t have to sleep, but they had to be quiet – reading, listening to a cassette, etc – and they had to stay in their room – for an hour.  This gave me a chance to have a breather, and this daily recharging kept me going even during the less pleasant days (and we all have them).  

    When a mom is feeling positive and relaxed, she transmits that and the kids tend to be lots more enjoyable to be around in that case.  It’s usually when we’re tired, tense, burnt out, or overwhelmed in general that our kids seem to be the most challenging, and it’s not coincidental!  Our children are super attuned to our emotions and pick up on signals we sometimes don’t even realize we’re projecting!  For that reason, I feel that self-care is a critical part of being able to maintain your emotional equilibrium and be the kind of parent you want to be. 

    Also, it was very helpful when I respected my needs as a parent and clarified for my children what acceptable standards of behavior in our home were. When I did this and consistently gave this same message, supporting my words with action, things became much more enjoyable as I didn’t feel myself getting tense about lots of annoying things – if it really bugged me, I dealt with it right away, and made it clear the actions were off limits, even if it wouldn’t bother other moms – and for the most part, the kids stopped doing it (after learning that there would be decisive action if they did).

    Here are some starter questions you can ask yourself.  Do you expect too much of your child?  Do you expect too much of yourself?  Is this behavior normal for a child his/her age?  Are you dealing with a lot outside of the homeschooling arena that is affecting your energy?  Everyone will have different answers, but clarifying your answers will help you find the the best solution for you.

    Avivah

  • A birthday suprise for dd

    Today was my wonderful oldest daughter’s sixteenth birthday!  When I think back on the morning she was gone, it doesn’t seem like that long ago at all. 

    Since we usually have nice family celebrations for each person in our family and we obviously can’t do that with her so far away, I wanted her to know from the very start of the day how much we were thinking of her.  So I stayed up until after midnight to make the call (there’s a seven hour difference in time zones), and she had just woken up a few minutes before I called so the timing worked out perfectly!   My husband called her from work later on in the morning, and then all the other kids and I called her back in the early afternoon (night for her) and all together sang a very vigorous rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ to her.  So she got calls throughout the day.

    I mentioned last week that I was chagrined that despite my efforts, none of our cards or gifts were going to reach dd in time for her birthday.  Then a few days ago, I decided to give her a special birthday surprise that I could be assured would reach her on time!

    Since dd left to study in Israel in September, I’ve had a vague wishful kind of feeling about wanting to go and visit her.  Last week, I had a sudden bolt of determination to stop being wishful and start taking action towards that goal.  My motivation came not from the desire to take a long trip involving lots of complicated childcare arrangements and expenses that fall well outside of our usual budget, but from the rock solid knowledge that this would be a powerful deposit in dd’s emotional bank account, and with her being away for an extended time, now is a particularly important time to make a deposit like that. 

    As kids get older, they don’t need us any less.  A common mistake I see is that parents step back at times that they need to step forward, thinking that their children need independence and to spread their wings, convinced that their input as parents isn’t that critical any more.  This is so backward.  The relationship you have with your child should be the most important thing that they have (until they get married), and if it isn’t, it’s your job as a parent to invest in it. Even if you have a strong relationship, relationships require ongoing care and investment.  You can’t coast on last year’s relationship and think it will be as good as when you were really making active efforts to build the connection with your child. 

    So for me, this trip is about being congruent with my deepest convictions about what parenting is about.  And I decided to commit to making this trip in two months, and trust that I will be sent all that I need for it to happen in that time frame.    It’s going to be really interesting watching how it all plays out!

    Even though I made the decision last week, contacted the head of her program, etc, I waited until this morning to tell her so it would be a special announcement for her birthday.  She was so surprised and happy when I told her I’d be coming, and I went to sleep after our call so glad that I made this decision. 

    I was torn about wanting to surprise her – part of me wanted to show up at her dorm without giving her a clue that anything was in the works.  But dh and dd14 both said they thought it would be better to tell her, and I agreed.  I think then looking forward to the visit becomes part of the experience for her, rather than the brief trip itself.  Dd16 at first said she wished I would have surprised her, but by the time she spoke to dd14 later in the day, she changed her mind and said she’s really glad that we told her!  I’m so, so looking forward to spending time with her.

    Avivah

  • Monday night parenting class option

    I’m so much enjoying the parenting classes that I’m giving with a wonderful group of moms!  Someone today told me I should mention here that tomorrow night I’ll be offering a new Part 1 series of Joy in the Journey (my parenting workshop classes).  This is for those who couldn’t attend on Sundays and want to start at the beginning (which is the best place to start!). 

    The classes are set up as a small group workshop to allow for discussion and personalized feedback. My foundational approach is one based on connection and relationship building with children, synthesized with clear guidelines and structure.  The focus is on learning where to put your efforts as a parent so you can enjoy the process of parenting while developing a beautiful family culture.  This is something I’ve developed and implemented over years of parenting, and can say that it’s not just not nice sounding theory – it really works!

    Part 1 consists of 4 classes and will take place on Monday evenings from 8 – 9:30, beginning on Nov. 22 (tomorrow!!). For mothers of children all ages; $50; email me for the lcation. If you have friends that you feel would benefit, please feel free to share this information with them.  

    Avivah

  • Avivah’s Favorite Things

    Sometimes it feels like expectations others have of me rise faster than my ability to meet them, and I start to feel inwardly tense.  Years ago it would take a couple of weeks of it building up and getting pretty intense before I’d do something about it, but I’ve fortunately learned to recognize this feeling early on.  So tonight I was thinking about how to appropriately rebalance myself, when I read something online – a personalized version of the song from the classic movie A Sound of Music, ‘My Favorite Things’.  Do you know the song?

    The song has a catchy and upbeat tune, and I’ve always liked it.  I was inspired to write up my own version to reflect some of my favorite things, and I found myself smiling and the tension melting away within about five minutes as I scratched out my verses. I did this while listening with the kids to our evening readaloud (we got the book on cassette this time to give my voice a rest and we all listen together) so it’s not Roger and Hammerstein but that’s okay!

    Because it made me smile, I thought I’d share it with you. If you know the song that I’m referring to you can imagine the words below set to music.

    Avivah’s Favorite Things

    • Sweet morning hugs surrounded by littles
    • Snuggles and kisses and lots of giggles
    • Playing and talking and tying heart strings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Jumping in leaves and playing in snow
    • Warming up with cups of hot cocoa
    • Watching the olders take care of siblings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Going on trips and learning together
    • Cooking and planting and watching the weather
    • Thanking Hashem for my precious blessings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Sleeping in tents and hiking on trails
    • Building a patio and banging in nails
    • Around campfires and on Shabbos we sing
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Long conversations with time to listen
    • A beautiful family that makes my eyes glisten
    • All of the love and the closeness it brings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.

    Refrain:

    • When messes pile high
    • And I feel stress rise
    • And I’m feeling sad
    • I simply remember my favorite things
    • And then I don’t feel so bad!

    If you feel inspired to create a stanza or two of your own, I would LOVE it if you shared it below!

    Avivah

  • Family dinner hour

    A couple of weeks ago my ds11 had a friend over for two nights when his parents were away.  During dinner the first night, he opted to read a book on the couch rather than eat with us (which was fine with me, I think he had eaten before coming).  When ds was finally excused to leave the table, I overheard his friend tell him, “That was the longest dinner I ever heard of!”

    I laughed when I heard that, and asked my kids why they supposed ‘dinner hour’ was called that!  It used to be traditional for families to gather every evening to eat together, to share the events of the day, and to reconnect – and an hour was a typical amount of time families spent together.  Last year a social worker I was chatting with told me that the family meal is a ritual that is becoming increasingly rare.

    Nowadays it seems that meals have become about quickly refueling than being together. But to me, the need to refuel is an excuse for the family to get together!  Because life is so hectic, it means we have to consciously carve out space for family members to be together in a relaxed and positive environment, and meals are the perfect opportunity!  After all, you have to eat, right? 🙂

    Studies have been done that show that kids from families that eat dinner together a few times a week go on to much higher levels of success in a number of areas of life, and to me that’s just science confirming common sense.  It’s not the eating together itself that builds kids, as much as what happens when you eat together.  It’s the values of parents who put mealtime at the top of the list that matter – because when parents make their families a priority and take time to connect, it shows.

    Meal times are a fantastic time for family members to touch base with one another, to talk about their experiences of the day.  It’s also such a valuable time to share ideas, experiences, and values.  Parents, you have a captive audience, so capitalize on it!  🙂  Seriously, share some interesting stories or ideas, ask the kids what they think about it.  Last night I shared the story I had just read of the world’s most famous neurosurgeon and his academic struggles along the way.  We can all learn so much from people who have pushed past their fears and comfort zones to create a new kind of life for themselves.  That’s a powerful message to share, and you’re providing interesting content while everyone is munching away!  While you don’t have to do that every night (and I certainly don’t), there’s plenty you can do to make mealtimes interesting and enjoyable for everyone.

    At our dinners, I usually ask a question like: “What was the best thing about your day?”  or  “What are you especially grateful for today?”  Everyone gets a turn, and everyone has to be quiet and listen to whoever is speaking, even the littles.  We even ask ds17 months what he liked about his day!  (Usually say something for him since he doesn’t talk yet and he looks at everyone and smiles.)   Ds3 and ds4 both need some help formulating their thoughts sometimes, but it’s okay, because it’s a process.  The idea isn’t that they have to perfectly put their thoughts in order as much as the practice in learning to look for the good and share about it with others.

    So yes, it can take a while to have dinner together; our average time is about 45 minutes to an hour.  For the time you invest, you get so much more back than what you put in!  I strongly recommend that even if it means rearranging your schedules or cutting out extracurricular activities for some family members, that you consider making family mealtimes a priority several times a week (if not more!). 

    Avivah