Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Why Karmiel?

    “I am just curious…why did you choose Karmiel?”

    I haven’t ever visited Karmiel, so everything that I’ll share is based on impressions gleaned from others.  I spent quite a bit of time thinking about the factors I felt would be most conducive to a positive transition for all of our family members to Israeli living, in the short and long term, before deciding on a community.  The main factors were were: religious environment, social environment, and affordability.  And basically Karmiel was the community that best met my criteria.

    Religious environment – The charedi (religiously conservative) communities tend to be heavily into conformity and this can be particularly hard for Anglo teens who are used to a more open and accepting kind of environment to adjust to.  I don’t believe forcing observance on kids is an effective approach, and I personally try to help them see meaning in a Torah way of life and a relationship with Hashem (G-d).  I was concerned that putting my children in a community where there is so much importance placed on external conformity might religiously be a turn-off and move them away from our values rather than towards them.

    My impression of Karmiel is that the definition of charedi also is more inclusive there, and that in general there’s more acceptance for people of all religious levels.  Being in a more relaxed environment allows people to find their place rather than having it forced on them.  While I know how unusual homeschooling is in Israel, and expect to frequently be asked about it (which doesn’t threaten or bother me), I didn’t want to put our family in a framework where we could expect to be looked down upon, if not ostracized, from the get-go.  The community I used to live in would be such a place – when I visited in February, someone asked me about homeschooling, and mentioned that I could never do it if I lived there; after all, it’s not ‘mekubal’ (accepted).  That’s the mentality that I refer to wanting to avoid – if something is ‘not done’, then it’s simply not done and that in and of itself is justification for not exploring an option any further.  In a place like that, a family who does what ‘isn’t done’ may be seriously putting themselves at risk for being viewed as very much ‘less than’.

    Karmiel has a small charedi community; many of the Israeli families there are connected with the kollel, which has a strong outreach component.  The relationships between the charedi and secular Jews there seems to be positive, something that isn’t typical in Israel (where groups tend to polarize religiously).  This is something I appreciate and value.

    Social environment – there are two main components that I was concerned with:  a) integration; b) feeling of connection to others.

    It’s really nice in some ways to move to a heavily Anglo area where there are lots of people who speak your language and have the same social references and expectations that you do.  The problem is, it can very easily become a crutch.  Dd14 was recently speaking to a friend who moved to Israel two years ago, and asked her how her spoken Hebrew is.  The girl told her she doesn’t speak Hebrew – her parents and all of her friends speak English, so despite being in a Hebrew-speaking school, she doesn’t need to learn it to get along.  I don’t think this is uncommon and it’s certainly not a criticism, just a reflection of what can easily happen – people don’t need to stretch too far outside of their comfort zones.

    Since I want my children to be able to integrate into Israeli society, it was important to put them in an environment that would support them in that – so we’re avoiding the Anglo bubble communities.  (Lest anyone think I think Anglo communities are a bad thing – I don’t.  I definitely understand the appeal, and for some people it’s absolutely the best place for them.  But for us it wasn’t what I was looking for. )  Although initially it’s not easy when you don’t speak the language and aren’t easily understood by those around you, it pushes you to try your best and to improve your command of the language, even if you feel uncomfortable.

    At the same time, I didn’t want to be a community with no Anglo presence.  Whether people will criticize this or not, the fact is that most of us share cultural references based on how and where we were raised, and it’s nice to be with those who understand your points of reference.  There are a small number of Anglo families, and I expect this number to grow – Anglos tend to not want to move to a community until there’s a critical mass of other Anglos.  (We experienced this in Beitar, where we were one of the earlier English speaking families there.)

    When I looked back at the places we’ve lived that we’ve been happiest and why, I saw that we especially appreciated being part of a newly growing community.  Karmiel is at this stage now.  When a community is smaller, you don’t assume someone else is doing something and you’re not needed – there’s not only room for someone to step up and get involved, but it’s encouraged.   You feel needed, that your presence matters to your community.  Since we aren’t moving to a place where we already have a big support network established, I felt it would be good for all of us to be in a place where we could more quickly build our connections, and connections are more quickly established when people are working harder to connect with each other in the framework of a smaller and more personal community.  An Israeli rav from Haifa visited Baltimore recently and after learning that we were moving to Karmiel, told us that the rav of the city would be delighted that our family was moving there.  So if our presence would be welcomed by the Israeli charedi community, it stands to reason that the English speaking community, which is much smaller, would appreciate it.

    Everyone needs to matter, and that includes kids.  It’s hard to move to a large community with lots of English speakers and feel that no one really notices you’re there.  Dd14 will increase the English speaking population of her high school by 25% when she comes, and the other girl in the tenth grade who speaks English is excited about her coming!   I hope that it will make it easier for the kids to make friends, as well.

    Affordability – I can’t say that anywhere in Israel is cheap – it’s really a question of what’s less unaffordable!  🙂  In all seriousness, rents are high and we felt it prudent to choose an area where the cost of housing would be on the lower side.  The north of Israel is significantly less expensive to live in than the center of the country, and you get ‘more bang for your buck’.  At the same time, there’s more natural beauty, greenery, and housing is more spread out.  Though I definitely enjoy the conveniences of city living, natural beauty enhances my sense of spiritual connection and serenity.  It’s a calmer feeling than living in the city, and I prefer to raise my children in that environment than in the bustling city.

    If there’s an aspect that I didn’t address that you’d like me to answer, please ask!

    Avivah

  • Summer plans for oldest kids

    After enjoying having ds17 home for four days, yesterday I took him catch his bus back to NY.  I had been anticipating him returning home this weekend and staying for the summer, but just a few days before he was scheduled to return, he called to ask if I minded if he accepted a camp job that was offered to him.  He wasn’t actively looking for anything, but one of his rebbeim was very impressed with him and offered him a position. 

    Here’s one situation that impressed his rebbe:  ds was invited to his rebbe’s home for a Shabbos meal, and offered a couple of times to hold the crying baby.  The rebbe declined, but as the baby kept screaming and screaming, the wife somewhat strongly asked her husband to please give the baby to ds and let him have a try.  Ds took the baby and in a few minutes put him to sleep.  😛

    Anyway, back to the job offer.  He was offered a position as counselor for middle school boys, for four hours a day.  The camp is in the same neighborhood as his yeshiva, and ds is delighted with this plan because now he’ll be able to learn mornings and evenings at his yeshiva while living in his dorm, and is looking forward to the work as well.  Ds is good with kids of all ages – his siblings loved having him home – and I think they’re lucky to have him working there.  Well, of course I’m his mother so I have to say that, right?  😛 

    Actually, I think it’s a win-win all around.  He’ll be spending time doing fun stuff with the campers, including joining them on trips, and will be in a positive framework at well.  His work will pay for his dorm bill and give him some extra cash, and he should be back at home for the last three weeks before we move.  Of course I’d really like to have him home for longer, because we really love having him home.  But this seems like a productive and enjoyable option for him.

    Dd16 finished her school program last week.  I’ve been contemplating for months writing in detail about this program as a service to others since there’s almost no information available online about it, but for now I’ll just say that she’s happy it’s over and so am I.  She initially planned to spend the month of July with friends, but that was changed to a few days instead, and she had a great time last week traveling around with them. 

    Since she wouldn’t be with friends for July, she decided to look for work as a live-in nanny for an English speaking family.  A family in Karmiel offered to let her stay with them for the summer in exchange for help with the kids/house, and another family in Karmiel will be paying her hourly for her help in the morning with their children.  This came about very quickly and with no effort on her part other than mentioning she was planning to look for a live-in nanny position when she was there for Shabbos a week and a half ago.

    I know the family she will be staying with, so that makes me much more comfortable than with her staying with strangers; they are good people and I and trust them not to take advantage of her and work her non-stop (a common hazard with live-in help and something I was concerned about since dd is so accomodating and helpful).  I wanted her to be able to be with a family who would treat her as part of the family, which they are – I’ve been informed that their kids have adopted dd as their older sister.  She feels very comfortable there with the kids and both parents, which is important – they set her up so nicely with her own room that I told her only half-jokingly that she’ll have a hard time leaving!

    The family she’s working for in the mornings will be our immediate neighbors very soon (they’ll be two doors away from us).  So again, I think it’s another win-win:  the families will not only be able to enjoy dd’s help while she’s there this summer, but will have a babysitter right in the neighborhood even after she moves out.  And she gets to stay in Israel, make some money, and have a non-pressured summer. 

    Karmiel isn’t exactly a happening place for a teenager to be without friends or siblings, but I hope she’ll enjoy her time there.  One of the teen girls there who she met on a past visit is planning to introduce her to other girls her age, which should be really nice for her in the short term, but will also smooth the transition for living there.   

    Avivah

  • Protecting our children

    This past Shabbos we had friends over for lunch, and talked about a number of topics. At one point we segued into her advocacy for sexually abused children, and since this is something I feel strongly about, we ended up discussing it for a while. She asked me if we talk to our kids about healthy boundaries, and I told her the guidelines I give my kids. I asked her if she had any additional suggestions, and she said, no, that was just right.

    The challenge in discussing a topic that is so sensitive is that we tend to avoid it, because it makes us uncomfortable or afraid. I handle it pretty matter of factly – we shouldn’t get emotional and scare our kids.

    For my kids, I stress respecting the personal boundaries of others and expecting others to respect those same boundaries. No one should touch them on private parts of their bodies, and no one should tell them to keep something a secret from us. Here’s an article that author Bracha Goetz shared with me after our discussion on Shabbos; it’s very important reading and she gives good guidelines for how to handle this.

    I also strongly believe that we all need to learn to hear and respect our gut feelings about people – often, someone makes us uncomfortable but we rationalize it away.  I’ve mentioned this before in the past here, but it’s worth repeating.   I tell my kids to listen to their gut feelings and act on them, even if they feel like it looks foolish.  There are always yellow lights before red lights; the challenge is being willing to pay attention to and recognize the yellow lights.

    Though the Orthodox Jewish community has many, many wonderful strengths, protecting our children from molestation isn’t one of them.  Actually, I think our community out of misplaced sympathy protects predators and thereby puts children at increased risk.  It has been very disturbing to me that pedophiles aren’t paying the price for their crimes in our community – we’re taught to give people the benefit of the doubt, and this works against us when dealing with perpetrators of evil who know how to makes themselves look good and position the victim as the one responsible.

    This makes it even more critical that we as parents are paying attention and equipping our children with the tools they need to deal with this.  For those who live in Baltimore, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of Project YES will be addressing exactly this topic this Saturday night, June 11, at 10:15 pm at Bnei Jacob Shaarei Zion (6602 Park Heights Ave. 21215).  There is no charge to attend.   He’ll also be speaking on this same topic in Monsey, Brooklyn, and Queens (for details of times and locations, check here.)

    I plan to attend the talk on Saturday night, and whether you can be there or not, encourage all parents to be sure you have the tools to discuss this important topic with your children.  There are unfortunately evil and sick people in the world, and we must not pull the wool over our own eyes and increase the risk for our children.

    Avivah

  • A prayer for your children

    Years ago, I was living in Israel and one day my oldest son (then about 4 – 6, don’t remember exactly) brought home a lovely handout from his school.  It was the Tefillas Ha’Sheloh, a special prayer composed by the saintly Shloh Hakadosh, and was sent home the day before it is recommended to be said.  At the time, I thought what a lovely thing that was to send to parents – I hadn’t been aware of this special prayer until that point.

    This is a prayer that your children grow up to be G-d fearing and righteous, and while it’s wonderful to say at any time, there is a special power on one particular day of the year to say this prayer.  That day is erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan (at the very beginning of the Jewish/lunar month of Sivan).  And usually, I don’t remember about it in time to say it on that day.  But this year, erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan is June 2, and I not only remembered in time for me to say it for my own children, but I remembered in time to share it with you, too! 

    To see the wording, you can click http://www.tefillos.com/tefillas_hasheloh.asp – unfortunately, this is only in Hebrew.  I did a quick search for a transliterated and/or translated version that I could share with you, but didn’t find one.  I know at some point in the past it was available on artscroll.com.  If you know of one, please share a link in the comments below!

    May we each be blessed to be parents who can help our children share their unique light with the world.

    Avivah

  • My daughter is a trooper!

    I know every parent thinks her child is wonderful, but I’m so taken by my sixteen year old daughter’s ability to choose a good attitude even in the face of discomfort.

    Last Sunday she spent hours in agonizing pain, throwing up 80 times in less than 24 hours.  The doctor on call at the gastroenterology clinic we had taken her to a few days before told us there was nothing they could do for her if we brought her to the ER since they didn’t know what was causing the pain (the clinic is part of the same hospital), and after asking a neighbor who is a nurse to check for appendicitis, decided not to take her in.  The ER isn’t a good place to be when you don’t have a doctor looking out for you and you have something not easily identifiably treatable that you’re suffering with.

    As a doula, I’ve been with a number of women in labor.  You know how during the last stage of labor, it’s so intense?  But even then there are breaks between contractions, and being at that stage means you’re close to the end and will soon be holding your baby in your arms.  Dd was experiencing that kind of intense sensation, but there was no pause and no comfort that it would come to an end – it just went on and on for hours.

    It’s really, really hard to see your child in so much pain and not be able to do anything.  By this time, it was late afternoon, and gratefully, someone I knew was able to do a long distance hour long reiki treatment on her as soon literally two minutes after I emailed her. Right after that concluded, our amazing chiropractor (who also does energy work) called and made space in her schedule to see dd16 a couple of hours later. Dd16 was so out of it – I hated to take her out of the house when she could hardly move – but I felt it was really important.

    The next morning she had an appointment for a consultation with the oral surgeon about her wisdom teeth.  When she woke up in the morning, she still felt horrible but her pain level had gone from a 10 (on a scale of 1 – 10) to an 8.  I made this appointment 7 weeks ago and it really was important to take her, so although I wished it wasn’t necessary, we went.  All he did was briefly glance in her mouth and tell us what the procedure would entail, so it wasn’t physically difficult for her, it was getting there that was hard – we walked very slowly, but she still threw up a few times in the hallway of the office building.

    From the waiting room of the oral surgeon, I called her gastroenterologist to let her know what was happening.  The GI was very upset to learn what the doctor the day before had told us, and told us to go to the ER immediately.  I asked her to send over the test requests and paperwork for dd – it helps get things done, and that really made a big difference once we got there.  Because telling them your stomach hurts isn’t something they really pay much attention to, but if you tell them your GI told you to come in, then they realize you have something going on.

    We spent all day in the ER, while they did more blood work and dd prepared for an MRI.  As the day went on, dd felt increasingly better – I felt like the energy work that had been done the night before was clearing out some stuff in her system.  Preparing for the MRI required drinking a solution, but the problem was that she hadn’t been able to eat or even drink anything for over 28 hours by that point – if she even sucked on an ice cube, the pain of the liquid entering her system caused her to vomit.  Fortunately, as the pain decreased throughout the day, she was finally able to drink the solution, even though it took her two hours to drink it.  (There’s no way she ould have done that the day before.)

    Finally we got the report back on the MRI, and they told us she had a ruptured ovarian cyst.  They were happy they found the problem – that definitely would have been very painful – but I wasn’t convinced that was the root of the issue since the area she would have had pain in didn’t match up with where she was experiencing it.  So we finally went home – just in time for the home buyers tour that took place a half hour later.  By this point, dd was at only a 4 on the pain scale, and she was downright chipper – she kept saying she couldn’t believe the difference from the day before (when she “felt like she was dying” – she’s not given to exaggeration or complaining) to then.  I took the kids out to the lake and we had a picnic dinner there, and I was so grateful that she was feeling better.  It was very emotionally draining for both of us.

    But even though the unusual sharp pains had passed, she was still experiencing her regular stabbing stomach pains, so off we went on Thursday for an endoscopy and colonoscopy.  She felt pretty lousy after that, and spent the day in bed afterward.  We were hoping for answers but after meeting with the GI and looking at all the pictures from the procedures, I wasn’t feeling encouraged.

    We had the follow up appointment with the GI Monday morning, but when we got there, the secretary had accidentally cancelled our appointment, and after waiting 45 minutes, it was clear we weren’t going to be able to get to dd’s next appointment on time – having her wisdom teeth removed – unless we rescheduled the GI for the next day.

    So off we went to have her wisdom teeth out – I chose a different oral surgeon than the one who took care of ds17, because even though he was technically a good doctor, his bedside manner was very…lacking.  I was especially grateful that I found a different doctor for dd when the morning of our first appointment arrived and she was in such bad shape- in addition to being highly competent, he was very pleasant, which was particularly important right then.

    With her wisdom teeth freshly removed, she was feeling pretty good even though her mouth was bleeding quite a bit, and right after we finished she went shopping with her grandmother to buy supplies for the birthday party she’s planning for ds5. (I discouraged her from this, but she insisted she was fine.)  But as she was in the store, the pain medication started to wear off and her face began to swell, and she was feeling really horrible by the time she got home.  Fortunately, I had filled her prescriptions while she was out, including one for pain killer (which she’s never taken in her life).

    The first one didn’t help, and a few hours later I suggested she take two.  She spent the rest of that day in bed, too.  Then I took her out to our chiropractor for another visit that evening (I had scheduled it the week before, when the oral surgery had been scheduled for later in the week; it was moved up the morning after we saw the chiro).  That was wonderful – our chiro is very gifted and I feel very fortunate that she cares so much about dd and went out of her way to accommodate her – she didn’t have any availability for three weeks and arranged for dd to come in three times before she goes back to Israel by taking her on her free evenings.

    This morning when she woke up she told me she was so dizzy that the room was spinning – we then learned this was a side effect of the pain killer.  She told me if she had known this would be the side effect, she would have rathered have the pain.  Sigh.

    So today, off we went again to the GI, 24 hours after she had all four wisdom teeth out, dizzy, with her face swollen and feeling like a chipmunk.  The GI wants me to call her tomorrow – there’s one more thing they’re checking – but suspects it’s some form of gastritis that is causing the stomach pain.  I hope she’s right – she gave us another prescription to fill (it was strange at the pharmacy to fill 5 prescriptions for dd – 3 for the oral surgery, 2 for her stomach pains- who has never had any medication at all before this).  I have some ambivalence about all of this but told dd that she should take the recommended medication once she finishes with the wisdom tooth pain.  We’ll continue addressing the issue on the energetic level, as well.  She’s also taking some homeopathic remedies that her chiropractor gave her, has another appointment scheduled for energy work the night before she leaves (next week), and is listening to relaxation and positive imagery cds to relax and focus on good things.

    I told dd that I was sorry that so much of her time at home has been spent going to doctors and being in pain.  And she told me that it wasn’t so bad, and she was glad that she was home when all of this happened.  In spite of all of this, she downplays all of it and finds a positive way to look at it.

    I love that girl.

    Avivah

  • Pesach vacation has started!

    I had such a nice Shabbos!  And here’s why – because I had all my children around the table for the first time in 7.5 months!!!

    We made the decision to have dd16 come home less than two weeks before she got here, which was on Monday night.  It wasn’t something we were planning to do until literally a night before we made the ticket.  There are a number of reasons for doing it, and one nice side benefit was the fun in surprising all of the kids!  (Well, we accidentally leaked the news to dd14, but she still didn’t know when dd16 was arriving so she had her share of being surprised, too!) 

    Dh changed his work schedule so he could come with me to pick her up, so I took the littles with me to pick him up from work; from there we went to the DC airport.  (She found the best priced ticket on Air France, and that’s the airport they fly out of.)  I didn’t tell the littles where we were going until after we picked up dh.  We ended up having to wait about an hour for her, since her flight was delayed.  When the passengers started exiting, they would come around a corner, and the first thing you could see was their luggage cart. Every time I saw a cart come out, my heart would jump and then I would see it wasn’t her.  I told dh I never knew it could be so tension-filled waiting for someone to come out!  And then finally we saw her – it was sooooo wonderful!

    For dh and the kids it’s especially nice, since they haven’t seen her for so long.  And for me and dd14 (who saw her two months ago), it’s still really nice!  We’re enjoying having her home – the first day back she made a nutritious and filling lunch, got ds3 and ds5 involved in making dinner, made dinner, and then gave the littles baths.  Aaahhh….I could get used to this!  Seriously, that day it was clear to me why it was such a big shift around here when she and ds17 – because they both were actively involved in the running of things, and without them, a lot more fell on me.

    When we got home from the airport, only ds12 was still awake.  We called him out to help bring in the littles (that was our cover), and dd16 popped out at him.  He was really shocked and it was so fun to see his reaction!  From there she went inside and woke up dd10 up, and then woke up dd14.  It was fun for us all!  She tried to wake up ds8, but he was in such a deep sleep that he only partially woke up to tell her to leave him along – he didn’t realize it was her or even remember anything the next morning – at which point he was very surprised and happy to see her!

    Ds17 came home late Friday afternoon.  We had made a ticket for him first thing Friday morning, but the night before someone told him he could get a ride with him.  Unfortunately, when the driver woke up the next morning, he was sick and ds17 had already missed the train he needed to take to use the bus ticket we bought.  He called in time for me to get him another ticket that arrived here at 5:50 pm.  Arriving that close to Shabbos isn’t how we generally like to arrange things.  Due to the heavy rain, rush hour traffic, and road work, I didn’t get there to pick him up until 6:15.  There was no sign of his bus, and by 6:30, I was getting increasingly apprehensive about what to do – I was afraid if I waited any longer that I wouldn’t make it home in time for Shabbos, and didn’t want to leave ds stranded in the middle of nowhere late Friday afternoon. 

    I called dh to ask him the exact time of candlelighting, and he said ds17 had called to say he had gotten a ride from the bus stop to our house a short time before.  I was honestly a little irritated that I was sitting there for 15 minutes waiting for him when he was already gone, but mostly I was relieved that he wasn’t stuck on a bus on a highway somewhere.  We were blessed that the highway on the way home was clear, and I got home by 7:05.  Ds17 had walked in just 5 minutes before me, and we subsequently figured out that the red car I had noticed pulling away as I pulled up to the bus stop was the car he got a ride in! 

    Dd16 had come with me to surprise ds17, so we had to shift our plans a little and she surprised him when he came down to say hello to us all.  It was definitely a rush to get ready for Shabbos, but a nice rush, and having everyone home again was really, really nice.  Fortunately they’ll both be here for a few weeks, so we have time to enjoy everyone for a while.

    And as one of the middle kids commented today, they came just in time to help get ready for Pesach!

    Avivah

  • I’m in Israel – and a surprise!

    I’m here in Israel!   The flight was good, although despite being extremely exhausted (1 hour of sleep the night before my flight), I got only about three hours of sleep.  We decided weeks ago that dd14 would come with me – I haven’t said anything here because we wanted to surprise dd16.  I told dd14 if she wanted to pay for her own ticket ($1075), that I’d cover all other expenses – passport, food, travel with Israel, and activities.  It’s a lot of money, and after thinking about it, she said she really wanted to come, but it felt like too much money for such a short time.

    So I contacted the head of dd16’s program, to see if dd14 could stay with her sister a few days (attending classes with her – for someone who’s been homeschooled for over a decade, it will be  a new experience!), and she agreed.  Being able to spend an additional week in Israel made it worthwhile for dd14, so she’ll be coming back on her own a week after me.  It was really nice having dd14 with me – she’s been a great traveling buddy!

    It’s also been nice for the two of us to have shared the preparation and anticipation for this trip.  We particularly talked a lot about how to surprise dd16 when we get to the airport, and after many possible schemes, decided to just have dd14 exit to the waiting area 5 minutes after me.  (It’s been a big effort not to let anything slip and to tell as few people as possible, to eliminate the possibility of other people letting it out.) The only problem with that was when we got there, dd16 wasn’t there!  So we stayed on different sides of the airport waiting area so dd16 wouldn’t see us together.

    As I was walking around and looking for dd16, I suddenly heard, “Mommy!”, and I turned, and there she was!  She came over and started crying, and I gave her a huge hug, and then a few more hugs.  I didn’t want her to see dd14 yet, so we walked to the restrooms on the other side of the waiting area, then walked back in the other direction, as I was thinking about how to give dd14 a chance to see us before we exited to the train.  Fortunately, dd14 saw us, and came over, saying, “Hi, T!”  And dd16 casually says, “Hi, M!” and hugs her.  I was like, umm, aren’t you a tiny bit surprised to see your sister here?  

    And dd16 told me she was sure I was going to bring her, and in fact, had told her friends that her sister would be coming back from the airport with us!  Apparently I had said something before I ever planned the trip that if I ever came, I’d want to bring dd14 with me, and she said I after I told her I was coming, I never expressly told her I wasn’t bringing dd14. The irony is I wasn’t planning to bring dd14 when I initially planned my trip! Her guess was confirmed a few weeks ago when ds4 told dd16, “Mommy bought us yummy cereal for when M. and Mommy go to visit you!” I quickly shushed him and told him to tell her it was a mistake, and he did; when she got on the phone with me, she asked me what he was saying, that she couldn’t understand him – she realized we were trying to keep it a secret from her and didn’t want us to know she figured it out. 🙂

    So even though dd wasn’t surprised, at least most of my blog readers will be! 😛

    Avivah

  • Musings on trip planning

    Last week I was busy putting together my itinerary for my upcoming visit to Israel, and I was thinking about: a) how critical a mission statement is to life in general and helpful to my trip in particular, and b) how you can craft the best opportunities for yourself by knowing what you want and being willing to put in the legwork to create the necessary framework.

    I have a very finite amount of time for the trip – ten days, but that includes travel so it’s really just 8 days there – and there are an infinite amount of possibilities for how to use my time.  As I’ve said before, our choices in life generally aren’t between the good and the bad, but the good and the best!  And that’s what makes it so challenging to organize our time – because the good things are appealing and we can lose sight of what is our personal best. 

    I had to determine what activities would be the best for me and dd16, and to do that, I had to repeatedly think about the purpose of my trip.  And this was easier said than done, because I kept mentally latching on to different aspects and planning around specifics, then feeling like I was losing sight of the overall goal.  The goal is to spend time with dd, to take advantage of the spiritual opportunity for connecting to the holiness inherent in the land of Israel, to access some inspiration, and to have some fun – and keeping this all in mind helped me put together an itinerary that I think will allow us to maximize the enjoyment of our time together. 

    Thinking about my personal mission statement as a parent, as well as for this trip itself, was so helpful.  I’ve talked here and in my classes about the importance of having a mission statement (whether written or not), having a clear understanding of where you want to go.  This is a powerful tool to use in making decisions of all sorts.  Knowing where you want to go is helpful to keeping yourself on track, as well as getting back on track when you stray from your original destination.  It’s like developing an internal compass that directs you.  One example of how this helped me in planning my trip was the following: I initially planned to meet the English speaking homeschoolers in Jerusalem (some of whom I’ve gotten to know online over the years) on their regular get together date.  I even got the information about their meet-up in advance so I could schedule my ticket around it.  And I kept scheduling things around this activity, that was set in mind as a definite.  But when I finally assessed what I had time to do and where my time was being allocated, I realized that I was giving priority on my very first day after arrival to something that my dd wouldn’t find interesting and would minimize my interaction with her, and would keep me from acting in accordance with my inner value system of what was most important to me to do on my first day in Jerusalem – to go to the Kotel/Western Wall.  This was a hard thing for me to take off of my schedule, but I had to do it to make room for what was most important.  By making this choice, I was able to schedule a visit to some holy sites that are deeply important to me, allowing me to schedule the best option (for me), by bumping off something that would have been good.

    I had to continually evaluate each activity in the same way: what was the value, what would it give me, and what would it cost me (not in money, but in lost opportunities to do something else).  I also recognized that regardless of how others who visit Israel spend their time, the activity had to be of perceived value to us – it doesn’t matter how much it’s a must-see or must-do if it doesn’t touch me or interest me.  This helped me really balance what I wanted to do, and I’m very pleased with the schedule I’ve come up with.  Some of it may change as I share it with dd and get her feedback, but overall I’m confident that she’ll enjoy what I’ve loosely organized.   (I’m not trying to be secretive about my plans – I’ll share about them next week as I experience them!)

    As I was putting in hours researching, looking at maps and destinations, reading descriptions of tours and activities, I thought to myself that I could really appreciate the appeal of going on an organized tour.  You pay the money, and are assured of great sights and activities every day.  It reminds me kind of buying a structured curriculum – you know what you’re going to get, and trust that you’ll hit the most important information. 

    Yet what you lose in that is the personalized approach – my itinerary is crafted with our personal needs in mind, and as such, I’ve scheduled in some things I haven’t ever heard others mention or seen on online tour schedules.  I won’t have to stay a set amount of time somewhere if we find it boring or not what we expected when we get there; we have the freedom to go where we’d like to go! 

    That’s the upside of creating your own trip plans or learning structure, but the downside is the time and thought involved.  And perhaps even more than that, the fear that the professionals (educators, tour guides) know what’s most important or more interesting, so how could a regular person without a specialize background possibly do any better? 

    The answer is that you don’t have to know the answers for everyone else; just for your family.  I can create the best curriculum for my kids because I know their needs and interests, and I can create the best tour schedule for dd and I, because I know our needs and interests.  Does that mean that there’s no value to the organized offerings of the professionals?  Not at all.  But they should be used as a tool to support your goal rather than to replace your effort.  With curriculum, I’ve chosen to use a structured math curriculum that works well for our family (Singapore), and with my trip, I’ve chosen to participate in two organized outings that I think will be more enjoyable for us than trying to do it on my own.  To me it feels like the best of both worlds – I can access some of the fantastic support available, and I can enjoy a personalized experience that will bring me joy and inner satisfaction.

    Avivah

  • Claiming parental lead – part 2

     Last month I wrote about how to supercharge the feeling of love and security your child feels when you respond to his requests, by giving more than he asks for and thereby claiming the lead role in the relationship.  I was asked for more examples of how to claim your lead with your child, and was actually thinking about this tonight in conjuction with my upcoming trip to Israel (less than two weeks away now!).

    Right now I’m planning my itinerary for my time there visiting dd16.  We’re both very much looking forward to spending time together, and I’d like to keep the focus on being with each other, not the activity, which is one reason I’m not sharing with her more than the basics of the plan (ie, 1 night Haifa, 3 nights Jerusalem, 2 nights Betar, 2 nights Tzfat/Safed, 1 night Haifa).  The second reason has to do with claiming my lead as a parent: she doesn’t expect me to be planning anything (she already told me she doesn’t care what we do, she’s just happy to spend time together), so surprising her with my plans once I get there is a way of giving more than is sought. 

    There’s another aspect of my planning that touches on this topic.  Dd has been there for several months and I haven’t been there for over ten years, so naturally she’ll be more comfortable with some aspects of getting around than I am – she’s used to the buses, has money in the proper currency, etc.   That’s fine and natural, but as a parent, if you can be the one to orient your child rather than vice versa, that’s a good way to claim your lead.  In order to be the active leader in a situation that I could easily default to letting her take care of things, it means doing detailed research from a distance so I know about places and times of activities, bus routes, money changing, etc, in order to be comfortable as the one doing the guiding. 

    There’s something really powerful about a child feeling safe and secure with a parent, knowing that the parent can and will take care of whatever comes up, that allows them to relax when they are with you.  Nowadays many kids and parents have switched roles, and the kids are too often in leadership roles (eg, kids in divorced homes who become emotional caretaker of the parent) – but this takes away from a child the security of being able to lean on and depend on their parent.  I can’t always be this for my children, but I try to recognize opportunities that present themselves so I can fill this role as much as possible. 

    There’s virtually no end to the possibilities of ways to claim your lead, and it really depends on how your child expresses his wants and needs.  I’m sharing just a couple of personal examples, but it’s just to get your mind going in the right direction.  Look at what your child wants and seek to be the one giving to him in the situation; it can be emotionally giving (like my trip planning, a warmer than anticipated emotional response) or physically giving (a hug, gift, drink of water, help getting dressed). 

    Ds4 came to me crying since something that was thrown hit him in the hand, and with a little bit of empathy quickly stopped crying and then asked me to read him a book.  I told him, “I’d love to read you a book!  Actually, I’d love to read you TWO books!!  Run and get two really good books right this minute so we can read together!”  The same idea applies if your child asks you to take her shopping or do some other errand that is important to them; you can mentally groan to yourself and tell her that you’re not really in the mood but you know she needs to go, so you’ll do it.  Or you can recognize that it’s something you’re going to do anyway, and express to her your willingness and desire to spend time with her, or tell her how glad you are that she asked you. 

    What if you don’t want to give your child what he’s asking for, either because you: a) don’t have time/energy at that moment; or b) don’t think that it would be beneficial to give it to him?  If it’s a question of your energy, you don’t have to be everything to everyone at every moment!  Let’s be realistic, parents have limited energy!  If you can’t give something that you know is important to your child that moment, tell him that you’re not able to, and tell him when you will be available.  “I really want to do this with/for you, but right now I’m not able to.  I’d love to spend some time with you a little later, after I rest/wash these dishes/put the baby in bed.”  Obviously, the older a child will have an easier time waiting, but even little kids can learn to respect your limits.

    If it’s a question of a child requesting something that you don’t feel is beneficial for them, then this isn’t a reason to give it to them!  There are plenty of ways to give to them that will be comfortable for you both, and it’s not responsible to give something they shouldn’t get even if you give to them with a full heart.  Remember that you can and should initiate giving as much as possible, that you don’t have to wait for a child to make a request.  But if there is a request made, try to respond with enthusiasm or in some other manner give more than they’re expecting; this can be a way to make a big deposit with a child, while simultaneously giving your child the unspoken message that you are there for them and they can depend on you. 

    Avivah

  • How I developed my parenting approach

    I’ve really been enjoying giving parenting workshops and sharing principles that have been so helpful in my own parenting journey with others, and am grateful for the fantastic moms who attend and keep me on my toes with their questions!  This week I’ve completed the second of the four week parenting sessions I’ve been giving, and this coming Sunday we’ll be starting our third session. 

    I had been under the impression that parents are so busy that it would be too hard for them to participate in a parenting class that went on for a long period of time, so I set up my classes so that parents only had to commit to four weeks at a time, and planned to limit the entire series to 12 classes.  This was despite my personal preference to cover more issues with more depth, which obviously means more classes!   However, the women in both the Sunday morning and Monday night classes have asked if we can continue beyond the twelve week limit, which I’m happy to do since it aligns with my preference!   (I was also asked if I would give a separate set of classes about homeschooling, and another on marriage – but I really don’t have time to give more classes at this point in my life, and in any case, most of what I teach regarding parenting can be applied to husbands and homeschooling!)

    Here’s some of what we’ve covered in the past eight classes:

    • having a proactive approach, formulating a vision for parenting, understanding where you should apply your energy (circle of influence/circle of concern), and taking responsibility for the results you want to see in your life
    • understanding where the source of your power as a parent lies, debunking the myth that parenting techniques are the answer
    • importance of being the leader/authority for your children
    • learning to change your thought patterns, reframing, visualizations, affirmations
    • building the emotional bank account, creating homes of love and warmth nonverbally – power of touch, acts of kindness
    • quality time – what is it, and how even busy moms can find time
    • verbally expressing love, affection, the challenge of praise and how to give positive feedback and compliments to maximize the value

    In the next four weeks, I’ll be discussing issues related to discipline – I’ve been promising this was coming and asking the moms to be patient and trust that I would get to it.  I needed to set a foundation in which parents understood how and why to build the critical relationship between parent and child before focusing on discipline, because effective discipline necessitates having a strong working relationship in play, or the discipline ideas could too easily be taken out of context.  So now we’re finally getting to it!   If you’re interested in joining either of our classes (Sunday mornings 10:45 am – 12:15, or Mon. 8 – 9:30 pm), email me for details so you can get started right away!   (Classes are $50 for 4 weeks, mothers only.)

    I’ve been asked how I developed my approach, as well as asked to define what I mean when I say that I have a relationship-based approach to parenting.  The answer to the first question is that I’ve spent years reading widely and thinking deeply about parenting issues, and my kids got to be the guinea pigs while I tried philosophies out. 😆  Being around my children all day long for years as a homeschooling parent meant that I had a lot of incentive to do something more than just get by, since I couldn’t ignore issues or think they’d magically get better by sending them away for hours a day when I didn’t have to see them! 

    I was frustrated that I wasn’t finding complete and comprehensive answers in the numerous books I read; so many recommendations seemed contradictory, and some things worked for a while but then fell short.  I didn’t like that parenting seemed so coercive and controlling, but I also didn’t like the lack of structure or guidance that authors who shared those concerns advocated.   I learned to evaluate what I read and to adapt concepts I liked, and to ignore the rest, pulling different things from very different places (not necessarily parenting venues).  

    But  the main thing was I paid attention to how I was feeling about what I was doing, and how my kids were feeling.  That’s how every parent can assess if the approach she’s using is most effective.  Do you feel basically calm and at peace with how you handle daily life with kids?  Does it mesh with your intuitive sense of how you should be parenting?  Are your kids relaxed and happy?  Learning what ideas were best ignored took the longest time – some things that really aren’t good long-term strategies sound great and are very popular! 

    About five or six years ago I settled into a very nice place that hasn’t shifted much, that has taken me through a lot of ages and stages, including several teenagers, and I’m very grateful to  be able to enjoy my children at a different level than I had previously experienced.  I really like them.  To do that, I needed to be able to effectively create boundaries while building strong relationships of substance.   I continue to be open to new information, and regularly assess and adapt – I think every parent will constantly do that, if she’s paying attention to the unique needs of every child – but they are small tweaks that still are based according to the same underlying concepts. 

    The main challenge for me over the last few years became to understand why what I was doing was working, even though some things were counter to conventional parenting ‘wisdom’.  I had to look beyond my specific actions and identify what the underlying principles were before I could effectively share them with others to apply in their different life situations.  

    I refer to my approach as relationship-based parenting because I’m convinced that the relationship between a parent and her children is critical and foundational to everything else that happens.  I’ve had plenty of times I’ve done things wrong, and what surprised me over the years was how unimportant those things ended up being, leading me to my conviction that if the relationship is in good shape, then everything can work out.  And if the relationship is wrong, then the best techniques in the world aren’t going to be of much use – you don’t have any true power.  Power is a huge responsibility, and claiming your parental power means understanding what it is and how to harness it.  That’s what I share with parents. 

    It’s a holistic approach, and the women in my classes tell me that it’s different from anything else out there.  That’s probably because a) I’m holistic in my approach to life in general so my parenting is obviously going to be as well, and b) I share lots of things that have worked for me that aren’t traditionally taught in parenting classes, some of which don’t seem immediately to be directly applicable, but I’m sure it won’t surprise any of my longer-term readers that I feel everything is connected, and in the end, it really all does come together! 🙂

    (edited to add – forgot to mention for any of you who don’t realize from past references here – the classes are held live in Baltimore, no phone options or recordings available at this time!)

    Avivah